I don’t know how we will meet. Possibly you’ll come from a mutual friend and they introduce me as “Liz, she’s my short, sweet and sassy friend!” and maybe you’ll find that really funny. Maybe I will meet you on my way to work and you notice the pins on my denim jacket and ask me what they are. Maybe I’ll meet you at my future job, during a job event, talking about the things that interest us or about the funny things that happen at our job. Maybe I will just shoot my shot one day, come to you and say that your tattoos look nice or that your hair looks so bad-ass. Maybe I’ll be bold enough to see you at my current job at the bookstore, write my phone number on your receipt in hopes you’ll call or text me. (For reference, I did that to a guy earlier this year and although we aren’t dating, he’s an amazing fucking friend).
I say this because I will probably tell you that I like you way too early in our relationship, I will probably get flustered and red when I say or do something that I think is major when really, you didn’t even read too much into it. I will probably get way too attached way too soon and express the fact that I will be afraid of losing you because there have been so many in the past that have left because I was “doing too much” or I left because I thought “I wasn’t good enough”. You were probably catch on extremely quick to the fact that I’m hypersensitive, I’m anxious, and the sweet fun-loving girl you got to know isn’t always going to be there. Sometimes, I’ll be the opposite; sometimes I will push you away because I feel like I’ll hurt you or that I’ll be too much for you in my bad moments. Sometimes I will hold onto things for hours on end because my anxiety will not let it go for the life of me. Sometimes, I may annoy you, disappoint you, anger or frustrate you due to the way I handle things.
I hope that you love me through it all.
Reassure me. Tell me that I can be loved. Tell me I’m good enough. Tell me that my feelings are valid and that whatever bad things I may be thinking or feeling, that they will pass soon. Hug me when it looks like I’m about to fall apart. Shush me when I cry while you rub my back. Listen when my irrational thoughts are pouring out and I can’t stop. Distract me with things that will make me smile, like silly random videos, or pictures of my favorite Kpop group; literally about anything that leaves a smile on my face.
Most importantly, I hope that after the storm, after the tears and the anxiety attacks and episodes, you still smile and see me and love me for… me.
Love me for the moments when I’m laughing and I can’t breathe because of the laughter. Love me for the moments where we go on adventures and explore the city together. Love me for my body, big or small, short or tall, and love me for my hair; light or dark, short or long; love me by being here and by being my favorite person in the world.
Love me, even for my sadness. My bad days. My lonely days. My mental disorders. For me.
It’s insane to think that a year ago around this time, you were completely wrecking my ult group, X1, with your 5th Mini Album, nostalgia, and how fucking personal and beautiful every song on the album was. At first, it wasn’t my cup of tea, but after watching the music video and watching the performances of the title track, “nostalgic night”, something about you boys captivated me.
I was a PDX101 fan; I remember watching the show over the summer and being so mesmerized by Byungchan’s visual and Seungwoo’s vocal and how well put together they were as trainees on the show. They were debuted idols already, getting a second chance at not only redebuting in a new group, but in hopes that if they did not make the final lineup, their fans will come back to them in Victon and fall in love with them as a group. In an industry with a BTS, NCT, and other monster boy groups, Victon’s success was subpar. Many people didn’t know of them despite being a group that debuted in November 2016. Prior to “nostalgic night”, they never had a music show win. Long and behold on 11/12/19, Victon had their first win, and wow – it was an emotional one; one for finally getting that win, for going through a time in their careers where disbandment was being discussed, and because Seungwoo was promoting in the PDX101 project group, X1, at the time.
It was their chemistry that got me during the summer of 2019. Watching their old reality show from 2017, it made me realize that they were more than just a group of 7 guys. They were legitimately a family, and they loved each other like brothers. In an industry where Kpop is heavily scripted and put together artificially, Victon never felt fake. They were honest, and real, and their tears and love for their fans (Alice) never felt like they came from a manufactured place. After having Victon literally destorying my life for the latter half of 2019, I finally came to terms like these boys were my boys, and they were the group that I was meant to ult. That day was 1/9/20, on my birthday, while listening to their song “The Chemistry” on the bus on my way to work.
It’s been one hell of a year for me, and it’s not even over because they are making a comeback in December with a full length album; the first in their discography. But, within the year, they’ve had two concerts, one fanmeeting, two comebacks, and so many amazing things for them as a group and for them individually!
For me, I’ve became a kpop collector; solely a Victon collector. I created a trading account in the kpop community on Instagram and in the process met so many amazing people that finally understood my love for a genre and a group as Victon. I met my best friend solely through our mutual love and utter trash for our boys. I’ve been the happiest I’ve been in a really long time because this is the first time in a really long time I felt like I was owning my damn identity. I have tattoos (3 actually) that are Kpop inspired. I wear pins and buttons and jewelry with Victon on them; I have Seungsik’s name on me in my outfits all the time because that man is my ult and like, wow the love for that man is unreal. TLDR; although there are moments where I feel like I don’t fit in due to my own worries and anxiety, I still can step back and see just how much I finally do belong in a community.
So, in all honestly – thank you, Victon, for being the catalyst for the many things to happen in 2020.
“You don’t know what it means to have friends because you don’t know how to be a good one, Liz. It’s why all of them left your life.”
I grew up having a ton of friends. I don’t know how I was able to have these group of friends and be able to keep them for longer periods of time, but I did. Maybe because it was just a lot easier to communicate with people that didn’t have responsibilities at the moment. I don’t know how I literally lost everyone in my life; perhaps it was because I got lost in a boy for the last decade, maybe my social anxiety just got bad; maybe I just changed as I got older and well, adult friendships are just harder to keep.
As I got older and started to find myself and who I was, I started to build friendships with people. I was starting to figure out that I was able to make friends, but I always struggled keep friendships for longer period of time. I never understood why some of the closest people in my life would disappear with absolutely no rhyme or reason, I figured it was just my lack of ability to keep friendships due to my social anxiety, but I’ve come to realize that it may be something that I’m subconsciously doing that isn’t fair nor healthy to do.
Hi, my name is Liz, and I sometimes allow my tainted judgment of people ruin the friendships I make with them.
I don’t know how of why I allow myself to think this way, but I started to realize that I was allowing my feelings and my emotions take the best of me in situations, which then lead me to feel like my friendships with people were now tainted. For example: I am learning through my best friend that even though we may disagree on how we handle things and we will argue about our thoughts and opinions in those confrontations, I shouldn’t allow the things that they can’t control to hinder how I see them or taint the friendship overall. I love my best friend, and there are amazing things about them that I never had in a best friends before, and I think because of that, it allowed me to see that perhaps I was being shitty in some of my past friendships with people and allowed my hurt, unsaid feelings to completely take over the friendship, which lead to resentment, which lead to me disappearing.
I’m tired of disappearing.
I’m tired of not speaking up when I feel like I’m hurt in a situation or like I feel like I’m not being heard, but I’m also tired of allowing every little thing get to me and taking things personally. I know that people say things out of frustration and out of anger, and I know that sometimes the way I may say things or the things that I say may come off as hurtful or defensive. We are all human, and we are all going to react the way we react. It doesn’t mean that when the confrontation is over, we don’t come back, talk things out, and carry on with the friendship. We are adults, and if the friendship is as valuable as we say it is, we will talk things out and see the positive things in said friendship.
I am learning that there are going to be things about me that my friends don’t like, but they won’t see me any differently or treat me or the friendship any differently, so why should I do that to them? It’s not fair, and it’s extremely biased to take those things about my friends and allow them to be deal-breakers when really it’s just a misunderstanding.
At the end of the day, friendships are a two-way street; you treat your friends the way they treat you. If they treat you with respect and they genuinely want the best for you and care about you, then you do the same. If they treat you like shit, you treat them like shit. IT’s simple as that. But! Don’t allow your sensitivity and clashing of personalities influence the overall goodness of a friendship. Sometimes you need that different perspective to see situations in a different light. Sometimes, you need a personality in your life so different than yours to spice things up while learning and doing things that you haven’t done before! It’s so important to have these friendships in life because they bring something exciting to the table, but also you learn how to interact and handle different people within your lifetime.
Don’t throw away your friendships when you feel attacked. Talk about it, understand it, and deal with the uncomfortable nature of these situations for the sake of the friendships.
Some instrumental R&B music softly plays in the background as a woman with red curly hair, Grace, paces around the tiny apartment cleaning things up. A child, Willow, is seen sitting in a baby walker, playing with the various toys on it. Grace stops in her tracks and checks her phone every time she walks pasts it.
Grace: *to herself* Why do I always wait to do this at the last minute?
Willow coos loudly as if she was answering her mother’s question. Grace looks up at Willow and walks to her, picking her up from the walker and into Grace’s arms.
Grace: You want to help Mama clean up before Jamie comes over?
Willow flares her arms and coos; Grace laughs as the doorbell rings. Grace turns around and walks to the door with Willow. With her free hand, she opens the door and standing there is Jamie. He’s wearing his infamous wire-thin glasses with a grey blazer, white t-shirt, black pants and black boots. Grace has figured out that Jamie practically lives in either cardigans or blazers; he never has a day where he wears sweatpants and a hoodie.
Jamie: Hey Grace *in a cute voice* Hey, little bean!
Grace smiles and allows Jamie to walk inside the apartment. He takes a look around the small NYC apartment.
Grace: Make yourself at home, lemme go and change Willie’s diaper quickly.
Grace quickly walks into a bedroom with Willow and Jamie laughs at Grace’s face at the smell. When the door closes behind her, he walks around the living room area; hands in pocket, just taking everything in. He sees a shelf of picture frames. He picks one up of a little girl in a ballerina tutu, two front teeth completely missing, big smile visible. Jamie smiles at the picture. His trance breaks when he hears the door open again. He places the picture down and turns around to see Grace and Willow.
Grace: Someone is feeling brand new now that they’re clean.
Willow bounces in Grace’s arms and Jamie laughs to himself seeing the two little girls interact. Grace walks to the living room area and sits down on the couch with Willow on her lap. Jamie sits next to her.
Grace: Okay, so this case… how the hell am I suppose to defend this asshole with way too much money?
Jamie: You have to remember that it’s a job despite your views, you know?
Grace bounces her legs with Willow on them. She looks at Jamie; deadpanned. He takes the file from the coffee table and flips through it.
Jamie: So, Loren Webbs – her husband is suspected of being a part of a underground scheme, like the ringleader of it. She kills him, pleads self-defense and says her husband has a history of violence in the household, but this is her 2nd husband within the year?
Grace: I’m trying to defend her, not help the prosecutor win his case, Jamie.
Jamie looks at Grace and smiles.
Jamie: Before you can defend someone you’re not confident in, you have to think like the other party. See what they can possibly throw at you and your client. How can you counteract those questions and be prepared for the loopholes they are digging up from your client’s testimony.
Willow coos loudly and wiggles in Grace’s lap. Jamie’s face instantly softens to the sound of the baby.
Jamie: Even Willow agrees.
Grace rolls her eyes. The sound of the kettle pot steaming is heard, and Grace gets up; she hands Jamie Willow for a second while she checks on the boiling water and puts together tea for both her and Willow. Jamie places Willow on his lap and baby talks to her, she smiles and laughs out loud. In the kitchen on the counter, Grace watches the two humans interact in the living room. She still doesn’t understand how Willow is so comfortable with Jamie just a couple of times meeting him back in the cafe. She smiles at them, wishing she was able to have this sight all the time.
Grace comes out of the kitchen with two mugs; she sets one down in front of Jamie and takes the other for herself.
Grace: Should I take Willie, or..?
Jamie: Oh, no it’s okay! I’m fine, drink your tea.
Grace picks her for mug and sips on it while watching Jamie bounce Willow on his lap. He looks at the shelf with the pictures on it and points his head in that direction. Grace follows.
Jamie: Were you a dancer when you were younger?
Grace nods her head as she looks in the direction of the photo frames.
Grace: Yeah, I was one of those competitor dancers when I was kid. Won awards, learned different dances and choreo within weeks of each other. It was something I was highly passionate about.
Jamie: How long did you dance?
Grace: Basically all my life. My mother was a serious dancer when she was younger, she traveled around the world when she was my age apparently.
Jamie looks at Grace, interested in hearing the rest of the story.
Jamie: Did you get your dancing interest from her?
Grace takes a deep breath and plays with the rim of her mug.
Grace: I didn’t grow up with my mother. She traveled the world and did her dancing, I lived in Virginia with my dad for most of my life. I moved to New York when I was 18 to study dance, but slowly after that, I found myself just going towards the justice law route.
Jamie:*interested* What made you stop dancing?
Grace: I mean, nothing. I loved dance, but my father was a FBI Agent when I was growing up. I grew up around the environment and was interested in the law side of it as I got older. I figured I’d be a good debater in life, and I didn’t want to ultimately take the same road as my mother, so I decided to take on being a lawyer. I do very much enjoy it, it’s just–
Jamie waits for Grace to gather her thoughts. Grace takes a deep breath.
Grace: Something in me always wonders whether or not I’m doing the right thing.
Jamie: Do you feel like you’re doing the right thing?
Grace: I mean, others would say otherwise…
Jamie:*emphasizes* Do you feel like you’re doing the right thing?
Grace pauses in thought. She looks at Willow on Jamie’s lap, she looks at Jamie.
Grace: I’m trying to feel as if I’m doing the right thing.
Jamie: But there’s a reason why you haven’t given up and changed your mind, right?
Grace:*in thought* Yeah.
Jamie:*smiles* Then you’re doing the right thing for yourself. Don’t mind the outsiders looking in.
Grace smiles and takes a sip of tes from her mug. The doorbell rings and Grace looks at the front door.
Grace: I wasn’t suspecting anyone tonight…
Grace gets up from the sofa and walks towards the front door, she unlocks the door and opens it up; her heart instantly drops.
Grace: Max?
Max is standing at the doorway. He smiles at Grace.
Max: Hey, is Willow ready?
Grace scrunches her eyebrows in confusion.
Grace: Wait, what? What do you mean?
Max: Grace… it’s Sunday. I told you I was coming over to pick Willow up.
Grace’s heart sinks. She totally forgot that Willow is suspected to return back to Max until the next time she’s able to have Willow for a weekend.
Grace: Fuck, I totally forgot. She’s not even ready yet, I–
Grace turns around to walk into the apartment and Max follows her. He closes the door and his eyes dart over to the person in the living room, sitting on the couch with his daughter in his hands. Grace looks at Max and instantly knows what’s he’s thinking. She quickly walks over to Jamie and takes Willow from him. Willow whines in disagreement and Grace anxiously tries to calm her down. Jamie doesn’t say a word, he just sits there and readjusts himself. Max is watching all of this go down in the tiny living room.
Grace hands Willow over to Max.
Grace: Let me just gather her bag, give me a second.
Grace walks into the other room as the two men awkwardly sit in the living room area. Max’s attention is on Willow, while Jamie faces forward to the door, waiting for Grace to come out of the room.
Grace walks out with Willow’s bag and hands it over to Max.
Grace: That should be everything, let me walk you out.
Grace walks behind Max towards the front door. She turns around to face Jamie. She mouthes “sorry” and Jamie shakes it off.
When both Max and Grace get to the door, Max turns around to face her.
Max: Who is that and why was he holding my child?
Grace rolls her eyes and sighs.
Grace: He’s a friend of mine.
Max: He was holding my daughter.
Grace: *snappy* And?
Max:*annoyed* Look, I just don’t like when you bring your boyfriends over to your place on the weekends and have them hold Wllow while you guys play house.
Grace: You’re being crazy, Max.
Max: Am I? How would you feel if you saw Willow being held by another woman in my life?
Grace:*angry* He’s just a damn friend, Max. He came over to help me with the case and– wait, why am I explaining myself to you? We’re not together anymore. I don’t have to run shit with you.
Max: *now angry* It doesn’t mean we have to be disrespectful to each other and put Willow in jeopardizing situations, Grace. We gotta be on the same page when it comes to Willow.
Grace: Look, you do things your way, and I’ll do things mine. He’s my friend, there was no harm in him holding her for a second while I answered the door. Now you have her, like you always do, and I’ll see you in a week.
Grace looks at Willow.
Grace: Mama loves you, Willie.
She looks back up to Max.
Grace: Bye.
Max: Grace–
She closes the door on him and closes her eyes. She wants to have a meltdown, she was wants to just destroy every single thing in this house, and she wants to just not feel the absolute guilt she feels every time Willow goes back to Max. Her train of thought breaks when she feels someone touching her shoulder. She opens her eyes to see Jamie there, rubbing small circles on her shoulder. She can’t hold it in anymore and tears silently fall down her face. Jamie notices, and he immediately takes her into a hug. They stand near the front door for what feels like hours. Nothing is said, and nothing is noted. They just stand there, in mutual understanding.
I am always worried that time isn’t on my side. I think if there’s one thing I’m afraid of more than dying is the fact that time goes by extremely fast and I will always be left behind. I feel like my processing of things has gotten a lot more slower as I got older; perhaps I now take the time to go through and feel the things happening in my life rather than “pushing it under the rug” until the hill is at it’s highest and I cannot walk over it anymore. Being in this current body, we are now more present and aware of things and sometimes it takes us hella long to get through it and move on.
It’s already the middle of October of 2020 and sometimes I still feel like I’m processing the things that occurred in my last relationship that ended late summer of 2019. While it doesn’t affect me and bother me as much as it did when it first happened, it still lingers and trails behind me like a distant memory, reminding me what my life was a little over a year ago and how different things were. It’s crazy to think that I wasn’t working at the bookstore, I didn’t have the friends I have now, and my appearance was much different than it is now. So much has changed, and time definitely has passed by, but I feel like I’ve been stuck here. Perhaps I’m just struggling to let go of my past and the moments that linger into my present.
You know time is passing by when the seasons change, which is weird because I am always looking forward to a new season. Every season feels like a beginning of a new chapter, a new chance at doing something amazing and cool, and the outfit changes you are able to make is also one of the best things to do during a season change. Even with those exciting changes, I still feel like I’m constantly left behind, like I still have so much I’m holding onto, waiting to just gather more shit as the time catches up to me.
I understand this may be a weird concept to grasp; aren’t we all worried about time passing by too quickly? What if we missed the good things to come being too worried about the time passing by? Aren’t we all taking time for granted because no matter what, time is forever moving along whether we’re ready for it for not?
I ask myself these questions every day. Am I really the only one that dwells in time while everyone moves forward and lives their lives like normal people in society? I feel like I’m constantly thinking about how my life should be like in this present moment; how much time is enough to move forward with my life? How much time to I need to process things that are happening and things that happened in the past? Will I ever be willing to move with time within the same pace? Sometimes I try to see if I can move with time, to keep up with it and live my life according to how fast it goes, but no matter how hard I try, time passes, seasons change, people and their daily lives change, and I have no control of what happens when it does.
I can’t control how this virus is working. I can’t control how quickly it’s spreading again and how slowly it’s taking to resolve and be done with. I can’t control how my daily life looks like; socially, personally, and professionally because of this virus. I can’t control how much time has passed and I don’t feel that same love for my job like I did a couple of months ago. I con’t control the things that are constantly changing, so why am I so caught up on the things that are said and done, dead and gone, which no hope of resurrection in my life? Why can I just enjoy the time I have in this moment instead of holding onto time that doesn’t exist anymore?
It’s time to let go and have spend time the way it’s supposed to be spent: well and present.
It’s time to be present and to only think about what is happening in this very moment. It’s time that I laugh with my friends and appreciate their presence. It’s time that I start doing things that I want to do in this very moment and not think whether or not my past is making me think otherwise. It’s time that I take more pictures and cherish the moments in that present time. It’s time that I appreciate the time spent with family, with friends, with coworkers, with moots in the kpop community, and with potential new people that come into my life in the future. It’s time that I become more present; physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I just want to be here for everything before time runs out, before my presence disappears, before other people’s presence in my life disappears due to time passing; I just want to be here.
A dark blue car pulls up to a white house outside of the city. A woman in the driver’s seat, Grace, looks towards the house in thought. She takes a moment before turning off the engine of the car. She closes her eyes for a moment; she looks towards the backseat and sees a car seat assembled. She takes a deep breath and grabs her purse from the side of the car seat, and gets out of her car.
Grace walks towards the front steps of the house; each step she takes is slower than the previous one. One she reaches the top, she rings the doorbell of the house. Bouncing her leg in place with nervousness, the door opens and turns around to see the person standing there. A tall, olive-toned man with brown curly hair stands at the front door.
Max: Hey, Ashmore.
Grace greetingly smiles at Max, who moves out of the way to allow her inside the house. She doesn’t say anything, and he doesn’t mention anything else to her; it’s as if they know what the deal is between the both of them.
Grace walks into the living room area and examines it; the room isn’t as tidy as it usually was when she used to spend time with him in his apartment back in the city. What was once a tidy bachelor pad is now covered in baby toys, baby gadgets and things that scream “dad life” to Grace.
Max follows Grace behind her.
Max: Sorry about the mess, I didn’t have time to clean up a bit in here.
Grace: Don’t worry about it, it’s fine.
Silence.
Max:*clears throat* Would you like something to drink? To eat? She’s still taking her nap, I wouldn’t want to prematurely wake her. *laughs* You know she loves her sleep.
Grace smiles to agree, even though she fully doesn’t know that about the little person possibly sleeping in her room in this house. She politely follows Max into the kitchen.
Max and Grace sit across from each other in the kitchen. He’s drinking a cup of coffee while Grace plays with the rim of her mug. He stares at her carefully; clearly Grace is in deep thought.
Max: Grace?
Grace’s thought is broken; she instantly looks up at Max intently.
Max: I– How have you been?
Grace:*hesitates* I’ve been good. Just did some paperwork at the cafe near the office; the usual. *places her hand on the table* How about you? How’s life out of the city?
Max:*smiles* Very quiet. Definitely is the change I needed, y’know? It brings a little piece of home back into my life without going too far away.
Grace: Ah, the little suburban boy from the Southwest side of England feels back at home?
Max: I mean, without a doubt. *smiles* It’s less stressful that it was back in the city.
Grace: I can definitely understand that.
More silence. Grace takes a deep breath and drinks her coffee. Max still is looking at her; never taking his eyes off of her.
Max: Are you okay with taking Willow for the weekend? Do you need anything? Should I write you a list of things for her?
Grace’s mood shifts; she visibly looks annoyed at Max’s comment.
Grace:*coldly* I can take care of my daughter for the weekend, Max.
Max:*defensive* I’m just trying to be helpful and to make things comfortable for you and Olivia and for it to go as smoothly as possible.
Grace:*places coffee to the side of her* What does that suppose to mean?
Max: Nothing, I’m just saying, I don’t want you to feel overwhelmed with her and have her become upset over the weekend.
Grace: Oh, is that it? Is that what being with her mother does? Get her upset for the entire weekend?
Max: You only see her once every two weekends, Grace. What am I suppose to think when she goes to you for the weekend?
Grace is visibly angry, she leans back on her chair and crosses her arms across her chest.
Grace: Stop treating me like I’m some loose cannon, Max. I’ve taken care of Willie plenty of weekends, so for you to just say that–
Max:*interrupts* How is that case going for you?
Grace blinks in confusion.
Grace: What?
Max: I heard you got signed to your first official case as a defense lawyer. How’s that going?
Grace scrunches her eyebrows.
Grace: How the hell you know that? You don’t even work for the firm anymore.
Max leans back into his chair, never taking his eyes off of Grace. They just stare at each other.
Grace: Stay out of my work life. You have no right keeping tabs on me at my workplace.
Max: I’m not keeping tabs on you. You know I had other friends at that firm besides you, right?
Grace: Don’t give me that, bullshit. You know what you’re doing.
Max doesn’t say anything, he just takes a deep breath in.
Max: I’m just saying that you have to take care of yourself better. I remember how you were during our case as interns. It really took a toll on you and… *takes a deep breath* Things are different now. It’s not just us anymore.
Grace’s face softens. She remembers how much that last case took a toll on her health. She wasn’t eating, she wasn’t sleeping, and on top of that she had found out she was pregnant with Max’s child. Things got progressively worse to the point Grace found herself in the hospital for not eating for days on end; it was the day Max found out about the baby. She remembers how life was like when Grace and Max were working on this case and how their relationship started. She thought he was the one. She thought that this was the man she was going to be with and raise their child with and hold her career and do things different than the way her parents did things but now she’s finding herself going throught the same exact–
Max: Grace?
Grace bounces out of thought again.
Grace: I’ll take care of myself. Don’t worry about me. Don’t worry about Willie. I’m fine. This time is different. I’m more than capable of doing both.
Max:*worrisome* Are you though? You barely made it through the trial run, how do you expect yourself to get through this one? Honestly Grace, I think–
Grace gets up from her seat.
Grace: Don’t. *gathers her things* I have to get going, can you please get Willie ready?
Max: Grace, please.
Grace:*sternly* I need to head back into the city before it gets dark, can you please gather Willie for me?
Max doesn’t say a word, he just gets up from his seat and walks past Grace in the kitchen. She stands there, visibly angry and annoyed about the conversation. She knows what Max was going to say; it was the same thing everyone in her life has been telling her since she had Willow. She’s never going to allow anyone to tell her what she can and cannot do, no matter how right they may be. She has already lost all that she had, what more can she lose?
Max comes back into the kitchen with a sleepy 7-month old baby in his arms. She’s clearly a little grumpy from being woken up from her nap. Grace smiles and coos at the child while Max transfers her to Grace’s arms. Grace looks at Willow and while she’s happy to see her, she instantly feels sullen; she wishes that she was able to be the mother that she wants to be for Willow, but knows that she can’t. Like mother like daughter.
Max: Let me know when you guys get back to the city safely.
Grace nods and begins to walk towards the front door with Willow in her arms. She starts to whine and cry for her dad, and it literally is breaking Grace’s heart. She knows Willow doesn’t want to go; it happens every time it’s her weekend to take her. Max reassures Willow and waves goodbye to her as Grace leaves the house.
After Grace puts Willow in her car seat and hands her over her favorite stuffed animal. She hopes into the drivers seat and looks behind her towards her daughter.
Grace: Ready, munchkin?
Willow blinks in the mirror placed in front of her, holding her stuffed animal in her hands. Grace smiles and faces back towards the front. She quickly looks to her side and see the pile of papers on the passengers seat. She closes her eyes for a moment and takes a deep breath.
The next day
Grace is seen sitting at the table in the cafe that she typically sits. She’s surrounded by papers like usual, but this time has a baby in a stroller next to her. She’s flipping through pages as she checks on Willow, who is biting one of her toys contently. Grace’s focus is on the papers in front of her until she hears a familiar voice in close proximity.She looks up to see Jamie standing there; he’s wearing a beige beret, a black t-shirt and blazer, beige pants and Converse sneakers with glasses on. He smiles at herwith two coffees in his hands.
Jamie: I figured you needed some fuel to get you through today’s work-in-the-cafe session.
Grace smiles as he sets the coffee down next to her. He looks next to Grace and notices the stroller.
Jamie:*smiles* And who is this cutie accompanying you today?
Willow looks up at Jamie and smiles, Grace is at awe.
Grace: This is Willow, my daughter.
Jamie’s eyes widen in awe. He kneels in front of the stroller and has a huge smile on his face; his eyes are even smiling.
Jamie: Well aren’t you the cutest little bean?
Grace watches the interaction between them two. She smiles, and is in awe at how calm Willow is withJamie. She notices Jamie looking back up at Grace, smiles, and stands back up.
Grace: Thank you for the coffee, Jamie.
Jamie smiles and turns around to leave.
Grace:*instantly* Please, stay. Sit.
Jamie turns around and faces Grace. No one speaks a word until Willow coos loudly. The tension breaks and both Grace and Jamie laugh.
Jamie: Can’t deny the little bean’s request.
Jamie pulls out the chair and sits across from Grace, just like the day they first met. While Grace continues to put papers together, she looks back up to see Jamie pull out a book to read all while smiling and looking at Willow.No words are said, but nothing needs to be said. Things just feel right in this moment.
Although we love and support celebrities and idols in the media, we also have to be aware that they aren’t perfect and they are allowed to make human mistakes. Just because they are well known and have to upkeep this image, it doesn’t mean they can’t slip up and make mistakes.
Especially if they are kpop idols.
This isn’t something that many kpop groups and idols haven’t dealt with before; Kpop as a genre of music is now on a worldwide scale which comes with the responsibilities of being more aware of the things they say, post, and do in the media. Fact of the matter is that South Korea isn’t the United States. They aren’t as open and vocal about the things that we are here. There are some topics an subjects that are not widely known in South Korea; to the commoner, people may not see what these kpop idols do wrong when they do or say insensitive things. If it directly doesn’t disrespect their own culture, why bother? Well, Kpop idols are not just commoners. They are people in the spotlight, they are targeted to a larger audience, and no matter what – people are watching them, even across the world.
I think a lot of kpop groups don’t realize just how big they really are sometimes. That includes Victon, a kpop boy group that slid under the radar for the first three years of their career. They are slowly but surely being a household name in kpop, and although for them as people may not see that, their fans see that, and because of it, it’s about time they start to take in for consideration that they now reach a larger audience outside of Asia.
For context: about a week and a half ago, Sejun posted a video on his Instagram page of him, Seungsik, and Subin dancing with a choreographer.The song they were dancing to was Toby Nwigwe’s “I Need You To”, which is a song about Breonna Taylor, an unarmed Black woman that was fatally shot in her own home earlier this year. It has caused an uproar in the media with people demanding justice for her death by convicting the police officers involved. This story was a big thing here in the United States and it’s something that is still happening here.
When Victon’s Sejun posted the Instagram video, he had taken it down immediately hours later, on the same day. Of course, the internet still had opinions and thoughts about it, how insensitive and ignorant it came across for these boys to dance to a song that had such a deeper meaning to it and no doubt many people had emailed Play M, Victon’s company, to express their outrage on this matter. Days later, Sejun came onto VLIVE, the live-streaming site for Kpop idols and K-related media, and spoke briefly about the situation and how sorry he was for not being more aware on the meaning of the song. It wasn’t greatly executed since the atmosphere of the VLIVE was more chill and laid back, which made the apology more so lackluster.
Two days later, Sejun posted a proper apology video on his personal Instagram page, Subin (who was also in the video clip) apologized on his personal Instagram story, and Seungsik apologized on the official Victon Instagram account.
Here you can find the original posts and translations of the posts:
Here is the real issue behind this whole thing, in my opinion…
These boys, were present with their choreographer when this video was posted; you can tell this was their choreographer because this person was the one counting them down before dancing, the one that was looking over their dancing while they did it, and if you know the group, they are clearly not one of the members of Victon. Now, I totally understand and respect that people were upset that these boys would willingly dance to a song that was made for awareness, but we have to realize that this song is in English, which these boys are not fluent in. Also, the subject matter (although some idols spoke out about the BLM movement during this time) was most likely not advertised in Southeast Asia, so even if they knew what the lyrics meant, I don’t believe they would’ve put two-and-two together and realized this song was about an actual event going on.
While as idols that are being widely popular and well-known throughout the globe (meaning they now have a solid international fanbase in a place like the United States), it is their job to now start thinking about their actions and their words on a universal scale. They are now being observed by more people; it’s not just Asia that knows their existence. Personally (and this is outside of Victon because although they are getting bigger, they aren’t on a BTS/ATEEZ level of popularity), companies need to realize that if they want to target larger audiences with their groups, they need to become aware of the issues and the culture difference that is across the world. I’m not saying that they have to know every little thing happening here in the U.S (it’s simply impossible for kpop groups to know everything happening in the countries that have huge fanbases in), I’m simply saying that in circumstances where they are given something to dance or sing to or even wear, they need to be more aware of the message they are sending to their international fans. We’ve been here with Jihyo’s Halloween costume back in 2018. We’ve been here with Hongjoong’s hairstyle in ATEEZ’s comeback during the summer. We’ve been here with so many other kpop groups and while some of them are the idol’s responsibility to learn and be more sensitive to what they say and do, we need to realize just how constructed the kpop industry is.
People dress them. People make their music. People come up with the dancing of said music. People do their hair and makeup. These idols, as sad as it many seem, are just programmed to follow the rules and their agency because it’s how they were brought up in this industry. They were trained and trainees to be this way and as debuted idols, they follow the same lifestyle.
While people are upset at Sejun for posting, Seungsik & Subin for being present in that video, and all three of them for not saying anything until people said something, it’s not their fault. I’m not even saying this because these boys are my absolute everything in this group, I’m saying this because it was the job of the choreographer to not let shit like things slip up and make their people look bad. As a company, you would think they would whatever it takes to not make their talent slip up like this, y’know?
But no one is on this choreographer for listening to this song, coming up with choreography, giving it to the boys to learn, have the boys learn it, and then thought it was a good idea for someone to come in and record it for them. No one is literally talking about how as a choreographer and a person who works within the company, it is their responsibility to know these things before they give these things to their idols.
We can’t expect kpop idols to be fully aware of the things that are happening around the world, just how we aren’t “expected” to know things that are happening in other places outside of the United States. While yes, we we do have people that can inform us and we have social media to keep us inform of the things that may be happening around the world, we may not know every little thing happening, and we aren’t expected to as shitty as that sounds. So, why do we expect those in non-Westernized entertainment industries to know? They need to be respectful and aware enough that sometimes their actions have consequences, but in this situation, it was more of their choreographer’s responsibility to have that awareness before they decide to teach their idols a lesson.
I’m in no way giving my boys in Victon an easy pass just because they are my favorite kpop group to date. I think that something should’ve been said as soon as that video was taken down and I think Sejun shouldn’t have tried to apologize through VLIVE the other day without proper PR guidance. I’m glad that these boys came out and apologized for what happened, and I really do hope that in the future, they become more aware of the fact that these things exist in the world and as someone in the public eye (whether or not they understand to what extent their popularity expands to) and that as public figures in the entertainment business, you should be cautious about the things that you post and allow yourself to do.
No, we shouldn’t cancel them, because cancelling people for having a language and cultural barrier doesn’t solve the issue at hand. What does, though, is educating their idols that there are certain songs, styles, and situations that are simply not meant to be interpreted in song or dance and are not meant to be expressed by them. Allowing your idols to educate themselves on issues like the Breonna Taylor tragedy is not just an “American” thing. It’s a human rights thing. At the end of the day, no one’s life should be jeopardized due to the color of their skin, their culture, or how they identify. This isn’t something that just happens here in the U.S; this can literally happen to anyone.
Those are the type of things our kpop idols need to be educated on.
Paper cups surround a small notebook of scribbled words on a table. If coffee was able to directly take away pain like alcohol, Grace, a 26-year old woman with unkempt curly hair, would be drunk by now. Her black liquid eyeliner is stapled on her eyes to prevent her from rubbing her eyes in frustration, anger, and tears. She doesn’t have time to think about herself and her emotions; she’s sitting here to study, take notes, possibly anything to win this case.
She finally cups her hands on her face. Her misery is interrupted when her cellphone buzzes on the table. She looks up at the screen. The screen reads “Emerson”.
Grace:*picks up* Whatcha want, Kamalani?
Emerson: Ouch, is that how you pick up the phone for your best friend?
Grace rolls her eyes, and Emerson comments on how he could “literally hear the eye roll through the phone”.
Grace: What do you need, Emerson? You know I’m trying to get this case together.
Emerson: Geez Grace, you can’t just take a break for one second and like– I don’t know– breathe?
Grace doesn’t respond, she just continues to look at the notes in her notebook and sips for umpteenth cup of coffee.
Emerson: I just wanted to check on you; I feel like I haven’t spoken to you in literal ages. You’re always too busy to live your life like you used to…
Grace:*annoyed* Yeah, well shit happens and shit needs to get done.
Silence. After a moment, a deep exhale is heard over the phone.
Emerson: Grace, I know Max leaving was tough on you–
Grace hangs up the phone and goes back to her notebook. She refuses to discuss something that she knows will slow her progress and process down. She angrily flips through the pages of the notebook. She stops for a moment and rubs her eyes. Fuck. The black liquid eyeliner. She scrambles through her bag and in a hurry, she drops her notes and her notebook flies open. She mouths “fuck” and places the compact mirror back in her bag. She bends down and tries to gather her papers. She hears someone speaking to her from above.She doesn’t look up, but she notices a shadow over her as well as a man’s black boots. She looks up to see a man kneeling in front of her.
The man is wearing wire-thin glasses; he’s wearing a white mask on his chin, a gray cardigan with blue jeans and black and white Converse. Grace feels inappropriately dressed with her denim shorts and an over-sized t-shirt that *might* have a coffee stain on it.
Grace: *quickly gathers papers* Sorry, you don’t have to help me, it’s fine–
The guy doesn’t stop helping, he gathers the papers until they both pick up all of them from the floor. They both get up from the floor.
The man hands over the papers to Grace. She takes them and smiles.
Grace: Thank you…
She notices a name tag on his shirt. It readsthe name “Jamie”.
Grace: … Jamie.
The guys looks down to his name tag; he smiles atGrace.
Jamie: Looks like you’re working on some case there.
Grave looks down at the pile of papers she just sat down on the table. She rubs her neck in shame; she should be more careful with documents like this.
Grace: *humorously* Yeah, lovely way to spend a Saturday afternoon; studying on some files in the middle of a cafe.
Jamie:*laughs* Hey, we’ve all been there before.
Grace raises her eyebrow in confusion.
Grace: Been there? You mean you’re not currently going through this madness? *lightbulb* Wait, you’re a lawyer?!
Grace watches Jamie laugh softly; her face is now flushed in red.
Jamie: Yeah, I’m on a case here for a couple of months. I’ve been a lawyer for about 3 years now.
Grace:*pulls her hair back; stressed* Holy shit, how did you get through this? Like–
Without realizing it, Grace takes her bag out of the chair across from her and pushes the chair out a little. Jamie looks at her, confused.
Grace: Tell me your secrets, man.
Jamie smiles and sits down across from Grace. He looks down at the paperwork and see that a name “Grace Ashmore” is written.
Jamie: Is Grace the person you’re defending?
Grace looks at the paper, she shakes her head.
Grace: No, no, I’m Grace… *another lightbulb* Shit, I didn’t introduce myself; I’m Grace.
Grace’s face instantly gets red again.
Grace: Sorry, clearly I don’t get enough sleep anymore; my manners go away with my sleep schedule.
Jamie laughs, which actually makes Grace feel a bit better.
Jamie: Is this your first official case as a defense lawyer?
Grace: Yeah, my first taste of a case was when I was interning for my current law firm. I got into this huge case really quick. Won the case, but really at what cost?
Jamie takes a sip of his coffee and sets it gently away from the overflow of papers.
Jamie: Those are the worst cases to have. You have to truly go against some of your own thoughts and opinions on the case and just side with the person who’s paying you. It truly does make you think if sometimes you’re helping the guilty be set free just because they give you a nice hefty paycheck if you win.
Grace looks down at the paperwork in front of her; Jamie notices her sudden reaction to his words.
Jamie:*nervously* I didn’t mean to say–
Grace shakes her head in protest, laughing it off.
Grace: I mean, you’re not wrong, it just sounds like we make some shitty people, just siding with the ones that pay us because like, it’s our jobs, y’know?
Jamie: Yeah, but good thing those cases are slim to none, I’m sorry you had to deal with one as your intern case. But, you’re probably are a great defense lawyer because of it.
Grace looks at Jamie and notices his crooked smile. His teeth are straight but still imperfect, but they give him some innocence and softness to his face. She smiles without even realizing it.
Grace: Thanks, I’m trying. Hopefully one day, we’ll see.
Grace sips her coffee while Jamie stares at her, sipping his. She notices him looking, but he instantly looks down when they meet eyes. She tilts her head, wondering what that was all about.
Jamie: So, what’s it just you on the intern case? I remember being with a partner on mine.
Grace shifts in her seat, gathers the loose papers and puts them back into a folder.
Grace:*sighs* No, there was another person working with me. We walked on the case together.
Grace plays with her fingernails, ripping off skin near her cuticles as she spoke. Jamie noticed the sudden change in Grace’s behavior.
Jamie: Did you guys win the case?
Grace: Define “win”. I mean, do we ever truly win when we do jobs like this?
Jamie leans back into his chair, raising his eyebrow and looks at Grace. She crosses her arms across her chest, visibly uncomfortable in her seat.
Jamie: Do you wish you did things differently?
Grace: I mean, who doesn’t? All of our intern cases were absolute shit, I can imagine.
Jamie: But you live and you learn right?
Grace looks straight at Jamie, who is still leaning back against his chair. Grace notices him softly smiling; his bottom lip disappearing and his dimple appearing on his cheek. Grace warily looks at Jamie.
Grace: I guess, but you get some shit along the way in the process.
Jamie: But that’s how you learn. What you learned in that intern case will now be used to get through your first official case. Don’t let your past get the best of you.
Grace says nothing. She remembers spending her days working on the case with her partner, who would then come to her place after work and make out on the couch after a long, hard and stressful day. She remembers how much shit her partner came to her rescue for when she was losing it and not taking care of herself. She looks at Jamie, and although she doesn’t even know him, she feels the calmest she’s been in a really long time.
Grace: Thanks, I’ll definitely try.
Jamie smiles and puts his hands back on the table, he looks down at the papers in front of him and takes the top one and reads it.Grace intently looksat Jamie.
Grace: So, what’s your deal?
Jamie looks up and straight into Grace’s eyes. Fuck. His eyes are the most chocolate brown, and his eyebrows are cocked.
Jamie: Pardon me?
Grace: I mean, you don’t know me, I don’t know you, yet here we are, having coffee, you casually giving me advice like we’ve been friends for years now.
Jamie:*laughing* You’re really interesting, you know that?
Grace is now less tense. Gosh, that giggle.
Grace: Gotta be in this line of work. Does that make you just as interesting?
Jamie’s eyes widen and a smirk is visible on his face. Grace instantly turns red. Fuck, she didn’t mean for it come out as flirty as it did.
Jamie: I did just willingly sit across a complete stranger at a coffee shop without knowing their name. I guess we both got something in common.
Grace smiles until her phone goes off. Fuck, she’s going to be late. She quickly gathers her papers in a rush.
Grace: Fuck, I’m going to be late– I’m sorry for cutting this short, I–
Jamie gets up and helps Grace get up from her seat and gathers her things with her. Grace stops in her tracks; what a gentleman.
Jamie: Good luck with your first case, Grace. It was a pleasure meeting you.
He reaches out his hand for Grace. She hesitantly reaches out for it and shakes Jamie’s hand. He smiles and shakes her hand.
Grace: See you around?
Fuck. Grace. Jamie softly laughs and his smile is now wide. God, he’s adorable.
Jamie: Definitely.
Grace smiles and walks away towards the front door of the coffee shop. She walks out and stops in her tracks. She Takes a deep breath and takes her phone out of her pocket to make a phone call. The smile she had on her face vanishes.
Grace:*on the phone* Hey, Max… yeah, I’ll pick her up today… give me a half an hour to drop my work bag at my place and then I’ll come get her for the weekend… yeah, okay.
She quickly hangs up the phone and goes back to her home screen; it’s a picture of Grace and a baby with auburn curly hair, sitting on her lap. Grace smiles.
There’s a different type of love I have for you in this friendship of ours.
We are freakishly common and in sync but also so incredibly different; I feel like I get to know new things about you every day whenever we talk and I’m always amazed to learn just how unique and different you are to what I thought you were.
For starters, I was scared of you. You already know that, but yeah, I was scared of you because you were the type of personality that seemed like it would clash with mine. You were loud and outspoken and assertive; I was quiet, shy, and immensely submissive. You engaged in conversations with me and I thought to myself, “how is this person just talking to me? Like, do they actually want to be my friend?” I don’t know how we went from strictly talking about our Victon boys, to doing watch parties every other night during the summer, to having theoretical conversations about Victon if they weren’t idols and created “AUV”, to where you are now the person I constantly talk to everyday on the phone, through video chat, wherever; for most of my day. This is just the beginning the story of how two people became best friends within two and a half months of knowing each other.
Like every friendship, there will be things that I love about you and things that make me want to knock the dumb-bitch juice out your hand and make you listen to the words coming out of my mouth. The things I love about you, though, outweigh the other things. I love how passionate and creative you are when it comes to this AUV fanfic (novel) that you are writing. You created these characters based on our boys and us and they seem to amze me on how they feel like real people. They deal with real life situations, they experience emotion that hits close to home, and might I say that my AUV self is someone that I’m aspiring to be because she’s a bad ass bitch that takes no shit from anyone! I love how we can spend hours on end theoretically talk about what is yet to happen and what’s going to come next based on what is written in paper. I love how I can guess what things are yet to come and you respond with “get out of my head, Liz!” because, again, we are motherfucking twins from another life. I love how I can get lost and join you in this universe; this happy and safe space, and read about how our lives would be like if we were just these two small girls who fell in love with Seungsik and Chan while dealing with some real life situations and problems, getting to know all these amazing characters and their different personalities and, too long didn’t read, I love how you got AUVLiz down flawlessly. To know that you’ve picked up on some of my infamous words and mannerisms and write them down on paper makes me believe that you are someone that actually listens to me when I speak, and pays attention to how I say things and the way I behave and react to certain things. It’s something that a best friend of mine has never took the time out to notice about me.
I love how whenever we are on video chat, you can constantly make me laugh. Like, stomach hurts and I can’t breathe type of laugh. It’s the type of laugh that not many people can bring out of me, and perhaps it’s just because you touch my inner beeg dumb energy and you get my dumb humor, but no matter what we are doing on video chat, you make me laugh, actually you leave me wheezing. The filters you put on during our video chats will forever leave me weak; we could honestly laugh for 5 minutes straight without any words being said. No thoughts, just laughs. I love how we can just be on video chat for hours on end, like we are doing in this very moment while I write this and you pack kpop orders, and we can just sit in silence, being each other’s company while we do whenever we got work to do. We’ll check in on each other every now and then, talk for a bit, and then continue what we were doing, again in each other’s company; being each other’s company, while we live in different states.
I love that I am able to be hella affectionate with you. I love that I can tell you to be careful and take care and that I love you when we end our calls. I love that I know that when we meet up in person in the future, we will be cuddling and holding hands and constantly hugging each other because we both are not afraid to show love to one another. I love that I can call you pretty, or beautiful, or a total hottie, and not feel weird about it or be afraid that I’m coming off a bit too flirty. I love that I can be my complete self with you and be the way I want to be with my friend, which is show platonic intimacy and value the friendships I make in this chapter of my life.
I wish, though, you saw the value in yourself the same way I and many of your friends do. I wish you saw just how much of an amazing person you are and how smart, funny, interesting, kind, and helpful you are to me and many of us. I wish you were able to see that you are a human that deserves love, that deserves happiness, and that deserves to get back what you give out to the world. I wish you were able to take care of yourself, that your body needs you to take care of it to feel better and to be as present as you can be. I wish that you would listen body cues, to relax when you need to relax and take care of yourself when your body needs you the most. I wish you weren’t so hard on yourself, that you didn’t see yourself the way that you do, that you didn’t based your decisions on your self-image and self-worth. I wish you were able to believe me when I say you’re one of the most important people in my life and I would literally be so heartbroken if anything happened to you.
I hate how much I worry about you. I hate that I constantly feel worrisome when you’re having a bad day. I hate that sometimes I don’t know the right thing to say. I hate that there will be times when I feel like the absolute worthless best friend because I won’t have the answers to your problems, that there will be things that I will not be able to give you my unbiased advice on, and that sometimes I won’t always be there to pick you up from your darkest places. I hate that sometimes that while we call each other twins and we are able to understand each other really well, there are times where I’m not able to connect with you, that there are things I won’t ever understand and won’t ever comprehend due to our different lifestyles. I hate those days and nights where we don’t feel as in sync as we typically are, and perhaps those days are just not our days, but no matter what we always end up coming back to each other, when we are ready to goof around and accompany each other’s agendas via video chat.
I want you to know that I always worry about those bad days. I worry about those days when you’re feeling absolutely worthless and hopeless, where you’re crying and you’re feeling lost and you don’t know what to do; those days scare me because of our distance. I want you to know that despite your bad days, you are never alone, that I’m always a phone call away, a message away, a video call away; I am always closer than you think, and because of that I will always keep my promise on being be your side and for always being there for you. I say that out of pure love for your being, that not only have I fallen in love with you as my best friend, but I have fallen in love with you as a human being.
At the end of the day, you are my person. You are the person I would always come to for any type of support; whether that is work support, personal life support, mental health support, literally any type of support I need I will always come to you first, because you get me. You are the person that no matter how many disagreements and no matter how many disconnections we may have on certain things, we can always set those differences aside and do what we do best for each other: be there, love, and support one another and be each other’s person to always go to if we need to. I thank you for allowing me the space that I need in you, to voice note you in a panic about my work or to cry on camera about my worries about you and myself and everything in between that my anxiety strives off of. Thank you for understand how my mental health looks like, because you deal with your own and see it to the same importance as I do. Thank you for being as present as possible and for seeing so much fucking worth in me and our friendship; it’s highkey a first and it still blows my mind to have someone that I really fucking care about care about me in the same way I do for them. It’s a feeling that I never got to experience in a friendship, so thank you for being my first best friend to allow me to feel this.
I love you, and I hope you stay safe, stay healthy, and remember that I care and love you so fucking much.
Letters From Liz. 