Self-Reflection

In Response to Shane Dawson’s “The Dark Side of Jake Paul” Episode.

liz
Photo Credit: Shane Dawson via Twitter

Hey, guys – welcome back to TNTH.

First and foremost, I am a YouTube junkie. I pretty much watch anything that interests me, and I pretty much know a lot (if not all) of the types of YouTubers that are well-known on the platform. Shane Dawson, a YouTuber with 17+ subscribers, has been declared as “the Oprah of YouTube”, meaning a lot of his current series on his channel are to help YouTubers build their platforms or to get a better understanding of them behind the personas most YouTubers have in front of a camera. His last series, dealing with controversial beauty guru Jeffree Star, has surpassed about 70 million views within 5 videos. His current project, which premiered on Tuesday, is discussing possibly the most controversial YouTuber on the platform: Jake Paul.

Today, the second episode of the eight-part series (yes, you read that right) was posted on his channel. This particular episode focused on Shane going to a licensed therapist to discuss just what it meant to be a sociopath. The clinical term, Anti-Social Personality Disorder, is a mental disorder in which one does not feel any empathy or remorse for their actions or for the ones around them. Some characteristics of a “sociopath” are that they are extremely charismatic and they are instantly likable, they victimize themselves in situations that cause harm to others, they are manipulative, and they seem to never fully “feel” anything; they typically study the body language on others to mimic those same emotions to appear normal to the outside world. Those with ASPD can become dangerous, violent, criminals, and potential murderers, but in most cases, sociopaths are people who try to climb their way to the top, knowing what they are possibly doing is wrong or dangerous. Psychopaths, on the other hand, do not have that distinction between right and wrong.

Many people believe that being a “sociopath” is far-fetched. People believe that it’s rare to come in contact with someone who may be a sociopath when in reality, that’s not the case. In fact, ASPD is considered a common mental disorder with more than 200,000 cases reported a year. In Shane’s video, Kati (the licensed therapist) shared something quite interesting that I personally found frightening and scary:

1 in every 25 people is likely to have Anti-Social Personality Disorder.

1 in every 25 people. Let’s do that math real quick: I help teach a graduate class of 25 students this semester. One person sitting in that room could be considered to be dealing with this disorder, or classify as a sociopath. Again, I’m not saying that there is one in my class, but the example of that one person being amongst a classroom-size full of people is mind-blowing. It potentially means we’ve probably met someone who fell under these characteristics of a sociopath.

Lord knows that I have.

Now, I’m not saying that you have to question which one out of your friend group is the so-called sociopath, but it’s not abnormal for you to be doing in this day and age. Again, we live in such a different world: social media platforms exist where people can hide behind their simulacrums, “extremist culture” exists, tragedy is now recorded on cellphones and shared all over the internet and desensitizes society to express empathy for those affected, and people are willing to do anything nowadays to build themselves up in power and money. Something as being a sociopath isn’t so far-fetched because we live in such a social society where those who are sociopaths can easily blend in with the rest of society.

And I think that’s the true meaning of this Shane Dawson x Jake Paul series: it’s just using an example of the most controversial YouTuber to talk about just how scary social media/internet culture is getting. It’s changing people. It’s helping people create personas they can hide behind to become more approachable and likable for their own agenda. It’s making it harder to weed out the people who are genuine and those who really wear a different mask on their faces on a day-to-day basis.

And that’s the true tea.

Make sure to check up on the first two episodes of Shane’s new series. Whether or not you like Jake Paul (or his dumbass brother, Logan), this series is honestly so interesting and frightening; it’s hard to not be so invested in it. If you’re a fan of Shane’s conspiracy theories series on his channel, you’ll definitely enjoy this series.

Let me know what you think about this discussion!

 

-Liz. (:

Topic Tuesdays: Raw & Personal

On This Day, Five Months Ago.

liz

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April 25th, 2018: Morning.

It was a normal Spring-like day: rainy, gloomy, humid, yet somewhat chilly enough for a jacket. I woke up that morning feeling a lot like the weather in many ways, but I don’t think the weather could feel a sense of anxiousness like I did. I woke up worried more than anything. I had a busy day ahead of me: I had a final draft of my Masters Thesis to be revised and ready for publication, I had to mentally prepare myself for a long night of class the following night, and just in a little over an hour, I had an appointment I was not ready for.

Two weeks prior to this day, I had a regular doctor’s appointment. I felt regular, I was okay at the moment, but something kept bothering me. I felt like I wasn’t being honest with my doctor, and most importantly to myself. When the dreaded question of “have you’ve been depressed within the last two weeks?” finally was asked, I finally put it out into the universe.

“Yes. I’ve been more sad and anxious than ever before, and I would like to seek therapy for it.”

Two weeks later on this exact day was finally the day I’d start. I felt weak that morning. I felt like I gave up on trying to help myself out of this funk. I didn’t feel like myself anymore; it felt like I was handing over my body to some professional in hopes they “cure” me and make me feel happy and bubbly all over again. I had second doubts about going to this first meeting, but I got myself dressed, I put my jacket on, took an umbrella, and left the house with my mother to go to my very first meeting, or the first initial step of feeling better.

The Waiting Room.

The first floor of the building felt like a movie set in the 1970’s. I felt myself closing in on the muted-colored walls and brown, speckled floor. It was crowded with rows and rows of patients and groups waiting for group therapy discussions. I could see the discomfort in my mother’s face and the shock over the fact that our regular doctor’s office was much more modern and bright in terms of lighting. I got handed a clipboard of the usual registration questions you’re asked: name, date of birth, address, family household, allergies, list of medications, and so on. Having to answer these questions made me even more nervous to go forward with this. I wasn’t ready. I felt myself in that waiting room slowly shutting down. I wasn’t ready to bring up things that I’ve repressed in my memory for months, even years on end. What does my family think about the thought of me bringing up family secrets? What does my partner think about me being in a mental health environment? Am I considered weak? After some time passed by, a social worker came up to me and said, “Hi, are you Elizabeth?”, which then I replied, “Yes.” She asked me to go upstairs with her as my mother sat in the waiting room, waiting for me to come back. As the elevator came back down to pick those waiting at the first floor up, I felt my legs getting shaky.

The Office.

I realized I began doing this thing I normally do when I’m painfully shy and nervous when talking to people I’m not comfortable with: I began squeezing my damn fingers together until they turned purple-y red. She introduces herself as Allison, which I was grateful that she was a female social worker because I wasn’t comfortable talking about my problems to a guy. She pulls up a long document of boxes and rows for words and begins to ask me some questions. They start off as being basic and non-triggering: what am I studying in grad school, am I in a relationship, blah blah blah, and so on. I guess they ask you the easy questions first to get you comfortable talking, so after explaining my basics for her to get a better understanding of me, the heavy-hitters begin to come and I find myself taking more time to answer them.

  • “Was there any point in your life where you had suicidal tendencies or thoughts?” “Yes.”
  • “Did you have a plan?” “If you count thinking about scenarios like getting hit by a car, then I guess yes. But in terms of taking pills or more common methods, then no.”
  • “Can you tell me more about this time in your life? What was happening?”

I was brought back to those specific moments, ones that I haven’t verbally spoken about fully in detail in what seemed like years. I kept ending every sentence with “but I don’t think about that time anymore” or “it doesn’t affect me anymore” when clearly it’s visible that I’m lying through my teeth. Yeah, it doesn’t interfere with my daily living, but it played a major role in why I function the way I function. It’s a part of the snowball that began to roll and roll into this exact moment all these years. And I should’ve realized that the moment I began to pretend that part of my life didn’t exist anymore.

The interview became heavier and heavier as time passed by, and I was now feeling the knot in my throat and trying immensely hard to hold back from crying. I felt raw, I felt stripped, I felt exposed, and I felt vulnerable. I felt as delicate as glass. I felt easily torn like a piece of paper. I had admitted things into the universe that I repressed in my mind for so long.

“What made you want to seek therapy?”

I’ve felt more disconnected from myself more than ever in my life. I don’t know who I am anymore, I don’t know what I am to people, I don’t know where I belong in life. I graduate a month from now, and I’m scared. I’m afraid of everything that’s to come to the point where I’m not even happy that I’m graduating. I never felt this distant from myself and from those I care about most ever in my life, and I feel like it’s gradually getting worse.

After a while, the words just felt empty. They had no meaning. They had no depth in them. They felt loose and liquified, like vomit. I was done talking for the day, and I needed a breather. I think Allison sensed that, and she automatically said the interview was done. She showed me my rights as a patient, and she told me that in a week or so, I’d be getting a phone call from the therapist that is assigned to me, and from there the therapy process begins.

The Departure.

The elevator doors open and I immediately see my mother in the same spot she was in before, but the first floor is now noticeably emptier than it was before. I had to make an appointment for the second part of the evaluation, which was the official diagnosis with my assigned psychiatrist. That wasn’t going to be until two months later: after grad school ends, after I graduate, after everything I was anxious about should be finished. I sucked it up and made the appointment anyway. After we left the building, my mother asked me what did I say to the social worker in the interview. Of course, I said nothing and just went on with my day.

September 25th, 2018: Morning.

As I’m reviewing this before publication at noon, I realize just how much progress I’ve made since then. Since then, I’ve seen my therapist once a week, I’ve seen my psychiatrist once a month, I’ve been on anxiety medication since July, and I’ve seen an immense change in how I function. I’ve been able to get closer to the people I loved most after knowing what I am working with. I’ve been able to be more aware of my behavior and actions towards things and not be so afraid or ashamed to show my anxiety to the world. I am more vocal about how I feel, I am becoming more assertive with my anxiety disorder, and I am able to make steps moving forward in the progress of getting a career. Five months ago, I was a struggling grad student, and five months later I am now a TA for a graduate class in preparation for teaching my own college course in the future. I now have a professional who I trust enough to share and be honest about myself with in hopes of getting a better understanding of myself and gaining a better solution into overcoming certain obstacles. Five months later and I know I’m not completely cured, nor do I believe I’ll ever be knowing the severity of my social anxiety, but I am now in a better headspace than I was entering this world of therapy five months ago.

Five months later, I don’t repress uncomfortable thoughts or memories as I used to. I now discuss them in therapy.

 

-Liz. (:

 

Self-Appreciation Saturdays

SAS: Bad Days are Temporary. (9/22/18)

liz

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Hey, guys – welcome back to TNTH!

Happy first day of Autumn, TNTH readers! I am so happy that the summer season is officially over, and that sooner or later we’ll be all wearing light jackets and sweaters and not sweating. Also, happy weekend to everyone who’s had a very long, busy and stressful week; I know I had.

This past week has been a stressful one; one that I haven’t experienced since… probably grad school. If it wasn’t me preparing for my class for Thursday, it’s me handling personal business regarding my physical and mental health.

Due to me handling everything for the last couple of days, I’ve been experiencing some bad days. My emotions have been all over the place, I’ve been a bit more anxious than usual, and it’s just beginning to feel like these bad days are here to stay.

But when my mind is running down the spiral staircase of negative thoughts and feelings, I have to remind myself that at any given time, I can stop running down the stairs. I can walk back up those stairs. In my personal growth and mental health journey, it’s really important to remember that you, and only you have the power to turn your day around.

A while back, Claudia Sulewski, a lifestyle YouTuber, mentioned something that always stuck to me due to how real and raw it was; she said that one thing that helps her to keep going in life is reminding herself that

your mentality is your reality.

In a nutshell, a positive and optimistic mentality will grant you a positive and optimistic reality, and vice versa. Many other people that I followed over the years mentioned something similar to this quote, stating that happiness rarely stems from an outside source. Happiness begins with you. As a society, I feel as if we forget to check-in on ourselves; what are we doing to make sure we control our happiness? What is something that we do that makes us happy? Is it waking up every morning at a specific time? Is it getting your favorite coffee order before work? Is it your hobbies and interests? It’s crucial that we understand these things so that when we aren’t feeling so great, these are just some of the things we could look forward to, and do. Of course, happiness isn’t so concrete; sometimes happiness is just an emotion that comes whenever it feels like.

But what happens if it doesn’t come at the end of the day? What if you’re just in such a crabby mood to the point where you don’t feel like doing anything? What if you’re drained out? What if nothing brings you happiness that specific day?

Newsflash: it’s okay.

We’re human beings. We feel an entire spectrum of emotions on a daily basis, and sometimes happiness just isn’t one of them. Bad days are bound to happen, even to the happiest people in the world. We’re allowed to have them; sometimes things aren’t just going our way and we need a breather from life and time away from people, and even from our responsibilities. (And I mean an hour or two away from work that has to be done in your own spare time, not during work hours or anything else that requires your undivided attention.)

And yes, that bad day can turn into bad days, and even a bad week. And if the bad days last longer than two weeks, then it’s time to reconsider why these bad days are occurring so frequently and speak to your doctor about possibly seeking professional help.

In the most generalized scenario, bad days are temporary. Every time you go to sleep and wake up in a new day, you are granted another chance to make the most out of it. I feel like we forget sometimes just how temporary bad days are in life, and it’s really up to us to make sure they stay as temporary as possible.

So yeah, I had a bad week. I felt like the bad days were here to stay. I felt myself indulging in that sadness and anxiousness and tiredness of those bad days, and on most days I did that fight the urge to “turn my day around”. I kept walking down those spiral stairs.

But I stopped myself from reaching the bottom, and I started walking back up.

 

-Liz. (:

Voiceless Rant: The Series

A Voiceless Rant: September 2018 Edition.

liz

Hey, guys – welcome back to TNTH!

After taking a mini hiatus away from TNTH after the Blogust series, we are finally getting back on our usual schedule! So, why not begin our scheduling with one of my favorite posts to publish every month:

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Last September, I published a post in regards of September being Suicide Prevention Month. With every “awareness month” subject that is known, it seems as if many of us only speak about these serious topics when the time is appropriate, and when others are discussing it as well. Mental health is one of those conversations that I would like to think we are proudly talking about consistently, but I do see the shift in convo every once and a while when things “quiet down”, especially in the media.

Almost two weeks ago, rapper Mac Miller was found dead inside of his California home by a friend, to what TMZ reported was from an apparent overdose. This is the narrative we’ve been hearing a lot of recently within the last decade: Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston, Prince, Lil Peep, and was almost Demi Lovato’s fate as well. Addiction seems to be on high alert nowadays, and in the media, it seems to be the leading cause of a lot of these high-profile deaths. While some of these apparent overdoses may not have been influenced by the thought of suicide, overdosing to the point of death can be classified under the same umbrella as those who commit suicide in other methods.

These deaths caused by overdoses are an example of just how important it is to prioritize mental health and how we could prevent more suicides from happening. This conversation doesn’t end with Mac Miller’s death, and it doesn’t start back up when the next celebrity is found dead or hospitalized due to an apparent overdose or apparent suicide.

The conversation starts by educating those about suicide and breaking society’s myths on it:

  • Myth #1: “SUICIDE IS SELFISH.” We must stop putting blame on those who decide to take their own life without considering the people who they leave behind. It’s not that they don’t care about the ones they love, it’s the fact that they personally believe that their lives would be better without them in it or that they feel so misunderstood by those around them, they truly feel alone. I know during my dark times of depression that there were people who loved me and cared for my well being. Yet I still felt alone. I still felt like a burden to those around me, and I felt like life would be better off without me. Of course, I didn’t want to hurt those who cared about me, and I’m still here because of my loved ones. But not everyone’s lucky, and not everyone has that mentality. People who commit suicide are not selfish, because suicidal people live their lives without any sort of control or grasp of it.
  • Myth #2: “Most people who have their mind made up to commit suicide do it at times when they are sad.” Many people assume that they can detect a suicidal person just by how “depressed” and “sad” they are at that immediate moment. Way back when I was an undergrad studying psychopathology as a minor, I remember my professor telling us that a lot of people contemplating suicide are not doing it when they are sad or depressed because of the amount of energy needed in order to go through with it. Suicides (as sad as it is) are more than likely strictly planned; they are rarely just random bursts of action. In the twist of things, many people who survive their attempted suicides report that before doing so, they felt energized enough to go through with it. So in summary, it’s very hard for people to detect a person in which they are planning to end their lives. They may have such a great day the night before they do it; you never can anticipate when a person is suicidal and when they are going to attempt suicide.
  • Myth #3: Committing suicide is always caused by someone else and their actions towards that suicidal person. As much as I enjoy the overall novel of Jay Asher’s “Thirteen Reasons Why”, it depicts this picture that suicide is always because someone caused them to do that to themselves. No, you can’t hold others responsible for your own poor mental health. Yeah, bullying and teasing and blackmailing could be the cause of your poor mental health (mine definitely was), but you are responsible for your own personal actions. A novel like “Thirteen Reasons Why” where the topic of suicide is “artistic” and fictionalized to fit within its genre, it shouldn’t read to those as the right way to handle suicide and mental health. It does not make you powerful and remembered to leave a bunch of tapes for your “haterz” and blame them for causing your suicide attempt. So for those who read the novel or watched the series and think that this is the only way to “get back” at those who got you to this point, there are so many other ways to get yourself better, and that starts with talking to someone about the issues at hand.
  • Myth #4: “Only weak people commit suicide.” People who feel like there’s no way out of their personal torment commit suicide. People who feel like their lives aren’t worthy of living anymore commit suicide. Even the strongest people in your life could be suicidal. Suicide wears the most invisible mask sometimes, and as previously stated, you never know what could happen next. When I was having suicidal thoughts back in high-school, I looked happy. I laughed. I was able to pass all my classes and keep a great average every trimester. I was singing in the most tedious choir. I had college coming up for me. I looked as put together as one sees it. But nobody ever knew when the days turned into nights, I was swimming in my depression. I cried on my bathroom floor during all hours of the night. My actions lead me into dangerous territories. I self-harmed. My point being: it could happen to anyone.

I may be missing a lot more other myths that people believe about suicide, but these are the ones that honestly bother me, and that I personally wish people would understand. As stated in last year’s post, I am a huge mental health advocate and I take the conversation of suicide extremely seriously because I’ve been on both sides of the spectrum: I’ve been the suicidal person and I’ve been the loved one who has watched someone be the suicidal person.

For something to be the second highest cause of death between the ages of 10 and 34 in the United States, we need to be taking it more seriously.

Let’s talk more than its designated prevention month.

 

-Liz. (:

Self-Appreciation Saturdays

SAS: Be the Boss of Your Own Body. (9/15/18)

liz

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Hey, guys – welcome back to TNTH!

So, how are we already in the middle of September? Before we know it, it’s going to be Halloween, then Christmas, and then BAM! 2019 is here.

In the two weeks I’ve been away from the blog, a lot of great stuff has happened; I started my TA position back at my college, I officially have my Master’s degree in my hands, and I did something that challenged my anxiety.

It may not be the biggest deal in the world, but for a person who has been held back by their own poor judgment of themselves for years, I finally did something to theoretically take back control of my body.

I cut my hair very short.

Continue reading “SAS: Be the Boss of Your Own Body. (9/15/18)” →

Blogust 2018: The Series

Day 31: End of Blogust & Future of TNTH!

liz

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Hey, guys – welcome back to TNTH, and welcome to the last day of Blogust 2018!

The journey has been a ride, might I tell you.

Blogust, although decided very last minute, was something that I’m very glad that I did. It allowed me to stay productive during a mellow summer, and it allowed me to get back in the swing of things after not doing so for most of the year. Honestly, I thought I was going to stop writing and posting after, like, ten days, so I’m very glad to see that we got through all 31 days of Blogust with content that I was very proud of writing.

After 31 days of posts, ya girl is taking a well-needed break away for a week!

Since tomorrow is Saturday, normally there would be a Self-Appreciation Saturday being ready to publish at noon, but I do need to gather myself and begin planning for the weeks ahead, and a nice week away from the blog will give me that time.

So yes, after today, TNTH will be back on its regular schedule, which is Tuesdays and Saturdays at noon, respectively.

Again, thank you so much for supporting TNTH, and for being a part of such a fun series! Of course, we’ll be back with more series like this during the holiday season for Twelve Days of TNTHmas, as well as in January 2019 for TNTH’s 2nd Anniversary Blogging Celebration! Hopefully, there’ll be another month dedicated to daily blogging… maybe February since it is the shortest day of the year…

Although there is a whole subcategory section where all the Blogust posts live, here are some of my favorites that I enjoyed writing for the month:

  1. Day 3: Travel Diary of Greeley, P.A.
  2. Day 7: Let’s Talk about Mental Health Medication.
  3. Day 8: Let’s Talk about the Reality of Addiction.
  4. Day 9: 24-Year-Old Liz Reacts to a Poem Written By 18-Year-Old Liz.
  5. Day 11: SAS: What Going Out in a Swimsuit Taught Me This Summer. (8/11/18)
  6. Day 16: My Experience at Poetic Theater Productions.
  7. Day 19: How I’m Dealing with “Culture Shock”.
  8. Day 23: A Look Through my 2016 Daily Journal!
  9. Day 24: Stories I’ve Been Working On! (Part II)
  10. Day 28: To the People with an Anxiety Disorder…

 

See you guys in two weeks!

 

-Liz. (:

Blogust 2018: The Series, Creative Pieces

Day 30: “Best-friend Bonfire”: The Next Generation.

liz

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INT. MOLLIE’S LIVING ROOM (2025) – NIGHT:

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Mollie and Milo drawn in 2008.

17-year-old MOLLIE is sitting near the fireplace with her best-friend, MILO. A homework assignment they were working on is now put on hold due to the electric wires being knocked out during a windy thunderstorm. This family never learns their lesson.

While Milo sits next to the fire, knees close to his chin and a blanket wrapping around his body, he sees Mollie trying to plug her phone through the various portable chargers she has bought over the years. None of them are charged. Very likely of Mollie to do. She sets her phone next to her and then takes a deep breath while grabbing her head. Milo keeps looking on.

Milo: You can live without texting Weston for a little bit, Mol.

Mollie: Yeah, you of all people should be telling me that, Mr. “I gotta text Soph at every minute of the day, and Snapchat her dumb shit whenever something’s “hashtag relatable”.

Milo: Don’t be mad because I’m completely myself with my girlfriend.

Mollie looks over at Milo with scrunched up, angry eyebrows.

Mollie: What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

Milo: Oh c’mon, Mol, we’ve been friends since birth. We’re practically family. I know the way you act around Weston, acting like you’re such this perfect person. Weston isn’t gonna like you if you keep acting like something you’re not.

Mollie: And if you keep acting like this pussy whipped kid to a girl who hangs out with the plastics, you’re gonna get your heart and ass handed to you, buddy. So stop telling me how to live my life, Milo.

Ouch. Milo laughs and shakes his head in disbelief.

Milo: Okay, Mol. Talk to me when you get a reality check.

As Milo gets up from the floor to move to another room, Mollie is not finished giving her best-friend a piece of her mind.

Mollie: You know, that’s the problem I have with you, Mi. You think just because you get better grades than me and that you’re a part of all these clubs in school and your girlfriend is a girl that I bet slept with everyone in that damn vocal room, you think you’re better than me, or you feel obligated to look over me like I’m some kid. I don’t need you breathing down my back telling me what to do because granted, you don’t even know me.

Milo takes in everything that has just been said. He looks at Mollie like he doesn’t know who she is anymore. The person he shared secrets to, confessions to, the one person he was able to confine with when things got bad. The person he calls his best friend, just sounded like his number one enemy. He sits back down to face Mollie, furious of what she just said.

Milo: Let’s get one thing straight, Mollie, just because you refuse to get to know Sophie as an actual human being doesn’t automatically make her this “class slut” just because her friends walk around with that reputation proudly. If you actually got to know her like the rest of us and like a good best friend would, you would know she’s nothing like that.

Mollie: “Like a good best friend?” So all those times I got myself in trouble for having your back when those same jocks and plastics beat your ass to the ground because your dad gave him bad grades for the trimester wasn’t me being a best friend?

Milo: Mollie that was two years ago! We’re seniors! Also, are you really going to bring up that same thing without acknowledging the fact that I even helped you get out of being expelled for that fight? Come on now, Mol!

Mollie is at lost for words, but also very stubborn. She crosses her arms and turns around, not facing Milo anymore.

Mollie: You still don’t know me, Milo.

Milo stares at Mollie, still in disbelief. How did this conversation even start? Oh yeah, Weston.

Milo: If that was true, I wouldn’t know the reasons in why you’re so afraid to show Weston your true self. You’re afraid of damaging him.

Mollie quickly turns her head to face Milo, now livid.

Mollie: Damaging? You seriously fucking think I’m such this horrible person, that I’m afraid of “damaging” another person? What the fuck do you even mean by that?

Milo: Oh come on, Mol, stop with the bullshit. You know what I mean. I know you’re scared of showing your real self to Weston because you’re afraid he’ll run away. You’re afraid for him to find out that every Tuesday you go see your therapist to talk out your issues, the same therapist that my dad and Jennifer would take you to every Tuesday after-school since we were kids. You’re afraid to tell him that Alex isn’t your real dad, that your actual dad left you and your mom because he was living a double life even when you were born. You’re afraid of letting him know that you’re not the most put together person in the world, that you fight your demons every single day, that you blame yourself for everything that goes wrong in your life even if you never had control over them. You’re afraid that if you let him in too much, he’ll come walking out all fucked up and damaged because you believe that’s how you leave people when they come into your life. You’re afraid of showing Weston who you really are because you love him.

Mollie, angrier than ever, turns around to spit fire at Milo.

Mollie: How fucking dare you. How dare you say those things so nonchalantly like it’s no big deal! You don’t even know half the shit I go through on a day-to-day basis! You only know what I want you to know! You think just because we’ve been friends since birth that you have the right to throw all that shit in my face? You have no right! No right!

Mollie stays facing away from Milo, taking everything in. Milo walks up to Mollie and sits next to her; the air is tenser than it was before and puts an end to the feud.

Milo: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for it to come out like that. I didn’t say those things to make you feel like shit. I said them because I know you. Maybe not about everything, but I know you well enough to know how much we are alike. We share a lot of the same demons, Mol. We know each other too well to let the other sit in them and let us consume us. You deserve more than what you’re putting out. You’re interesting, spunky, a tough-as-nails bitch. You’re selling yourself short, and Weston, for not being honest with him. You never know what things you guys have in common. You’ll never know what good you guys could put into each other’s lives.

Mollie doesn’t budge. Milo tries again.

Milo: It wasn’t easy admitting to Sophie the things I didn’t want her to see. I didn’t want her to see how Micah looks so much like my dad and Jennifer and then there was me, looking like the oddball in the family. I didn’t want to tell her that I never met my mom. I didn’t want to tell her the reason why I couldn’t go to her band recital was that that specific day was the day my mom passed away all those years ago and it still leaves me wondering about certain quirks and traits that I have. I didn’t want to tell her these things because I felt like it would be baggage for her. But once I started to fall for her more and more, I realized that she deserved to know these things about me. She deserved to know the person behind the smiles and the guitar and the dreads. She deserved to know me. Because of that, she’s helped me fight some of my battles just by knowing they exist.

Mollie looks over at Milo, who is looking at her back.

Mollie: I’m sorry for saying those things about Sophie.

Milo: (cleans hands) None taken, Castro. I know just how hardcore you get when you’re defensive. Again, something you should let Weston know. Love will get you angry on some days.

Mollie: (rolls eyes) Shut up, I’m not in love with Weston.

The one lamp in the living room begins to flicker and eventually turns on. Mollie’s mother yells from the other room that the power is back on. Milo gets up from his spot, grabs his phone charger, and hands it over to Mollie.

Milo: Talk to me when you get a reality check.

 

*This scene was inspired by “Best-friend bonfire”, a scene written about Jennifer (Mollie’s older sister) and her best friend, Milo (Milo’s father). 

 

-End-

Blogust 2018: The Series

Day 29: “Not Everything People Have is for You.”

liz

Screenshot 2018-08-23 at 8.03.49 PM - Edited

Hey, guys – welcome back to TNTH.

So, let’s just get straight to the post: this last week has left me with a lot of anxiety having to make big decisions that I wasn’t prepared to make.

In a nutshell, I’ve been seriously job hunting for the last two months. Since graduating, I’ve felt like I had a nice, well-needed break from the stress and work I had to get done this past semester. Now that I feel well rested, I’ve been prepping the next chapter of my life, which is actually finding a job!

While being in grad school, I didn’t have the clearest path on where I wanted to go after graduating. I mean, I didn’t really have breathing room during my studies to think about it; I was way too consumed in finishing my Master’s Thesis while juggling two literature courses my final semester as a grad student. But since I’ve graduated and allowed myself to relax and do some “soul-searching”, I’ve realized that I belong in a place like a college setting. I liked being a part of the academic community; I’ve realized I did way back when I was writing my thesis and felt this overwhelming passion of writing studies and curriculum and being a part of that process to bettering the experience for college students. I knew due to my anxiety and lack of teaching experience, I didn’t want to jump into adjuncting for my college right away. It wasn’t something that was completely out of the picture down the road, but for now, I couldn’t. But when I received the opportunity to teach in a short notice, I was conflicted: taking it meant I now had a paying job, but it also meant that I was jumping into something I knew I was experiencing extreme anxiety over. Not taking it – in my eyes – meant I was turning down an opportunity that I don’t know I’d ever get back. In the end, I had a really in-depth conversation with my professor about the situation, and coming out of it I felt a lot better.

Instead of teaching my own class, I’d be observing and assisting my professor with her graduate class, which teaches students how to teach writing in a public school classroom or a first-year college classroom.

I start tomorrow.

Although I took this exact course my first year in grad school as a student, I’d now be observing it through a perspective of a professor and how they would teach a class. In a sense, I’d be interning to get some experience not only to calm my own anxieties about teaching but to add something related to academics to my resume.

To me, I don’t mind it. I don’t mind actively doing something like this in order to gain some experience in a field I’m not familiar with. I do these type of thing for the experience, and to learn in all honesty. No, I can’t get paid to do something like this, but at the end of the day, it’s an experience that has more benefits coming out of it than just me getting money. Doing something as minor as this can open up new doors and help me build the network I need in my related field.

And while I still know all of this, the little “judgement Judy” who likes to cause all this self-doubt in me still stirs around in my mind. What if this is the wrong thing to do at this level? What if I’m back at square one once this is over? What if I’m making excuses and hindering my own success? 

I say this with a couple of people in mind as I write this: I see people doing what they need to do to make money. People my age are actually working real jobs, whereas I am too afraid of the commitment and responsibility behind those said jobs. People my age are now full-functioning adults whereas I still feel like I’m living life as the face of “Peter-Pan Syndrome”…

Of course, this is my judgement mind speaking, and not my actual functioning common sense mind.

I made this decision because it was the right one to make regarding my circumstances. I can’t expect those around me (even little “judgement Judy” in my head) to understand why I am doing what I’m doing. People are going to have their thoughts and opinions on things which then may influence your thoughts and opinions, but I have to remember one important thing about life and journeys:

Not everything people have is for you and not everything you have is for them.

It’s the honest truth.

We are at the age where yeah, you’re going to be comparing whether or not a girl you knew in high-school is doing better than you, or if the group of people who bullied you in elementary school grew up and are doing their “adult” living thing. In this day and age, people are curious and wonder what the hell people are up to, and people will judge you  behind your back, calculating your success to their potential success.

And what I have to say to that is that people move the way they move because they are going up a different path than you, and that’s okay.

It’s okay to be taking the year off to travel the world. It’s okay to want to settle down and have children. It’s okay to get engaged and get married. It’s okay to still be in the “post-grad job hunting process” after graduating. It’s okay to take a retail job while figuring out your career. It’s okay to put school on hold for personal reasons. It’s okay to have two degrees and intern. It’s okay to do whatever it is that you would like to do in order to go for the bigger picture. It’s okay has been something I’ve been telling myself these last couple of weeks, because even if I’m not where I’d like to be,

at least I am trying to get there in the way that is according to my plan that is right for me.

I. Am. Trying.

-Liz. (:

Blogust 2018: The Series, Topic Tuesdays: Raw & Personal

Day 28: To the People with an Anxiety Disorder, You’re Setting Your Loved Ones Up for Failure.

liz

Screenshot 2018-08-17 at 2.08.01 PM - Edited

Hey, guys – welcome back to TNTH.

So, here’s the honest truth: I had another post up and ready to publish for today. After sitting on it and thinking it over, I realized that the post I was going to publish was a post mainly influenced on my feelings, and it was extremely one-sided. I even went to read a bitch for writing the article that influenced my discussion in that post until I realized that it wasn’t the greatest type of energy to be putting on my blog, especially in a community where I’d like to think people are allowed to have different opinions on the topics I write about in general. So, I scrapped it, which then influenced the topic of this post.

Dear People who have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, you are constantly setting the people around you up for failure.

In TNTH’s true cliffhanger fashion: Lemme explain.

Continue reading “Day 28: To the People with an Anxiety Disorder, You’re Setting Your Loved Ones Up for Failure.” →

Blogust 2018: The Series

Day 27: Music Isn’t The Same Anymore.

liz

Screenshot 2018-08-23 at 2.23.48 PM - Edited

Hey, guys – welcome back to TNTH!

A week after the snooze-fest that was the 2018 MTV Video Music Awards, it made me think a lot about all the drama that’s happening in the music industry (i.e. Nicki Minaj and Travis Scott album sales) and the conversation of what it really means to be a successful music artist in the day and age of streaming services and digital downloadable albums. It made me think back to my teenage years, shoot, even my childhood on how music was. I grew up around music, whether it was my mother blasting music in the house, my sister listening to her music on her boombox, or me sitting in front of my radio religiously listening to Z100’s “Interactive 9 at 9”, a segment when they played the day’s top requested songs on the station. I look back and I wonder where did the beauty of music go?

To say it bluntly: music is just not the same anymore. Music isn’t as exciting as it once was, and it’s not as unique and different as it was too. Nowadays, you have 5 male singers who all sound like if Ed Sheeran and Shawn Mendes had a baby. You have producers manipulate the beats of a song to scientifically please us due to its high frequencies that are hidden in the background (i.e. “The Middle” which I still don’t know who sings it and half the people who like it probably don’t either) and most importantly, talent in the music industry are a dime in the dozen. You have a handful of artists who are actually unique, different, and crazy talented that still may not have the same “clout” as artists who are widely known just because.

Music back in the day required you to have talent; it’s why most singing competition contestants or winners from a decade ago are still known to be artists to this day. Nowadays, those same singing competitions end up with new contestants and winners being buried in the bullshit the music industry is, and only if you’re lucky enough, you’ll be winning the highest-earn award on the VMA’s, like Camila Cabello did last Monday.

Music isn’t about going out to record stores and Best Buys and other department stores and buying physical albums anymore. I mean, who the hell actually goes out of their way to buy an album if you could stream the entire thing on Apple Music or Spotify? The only people going out of their way to buy physical albums are those who are within the K-Pop community, I mean check this video out of TWICE hardcore fan, Sam, who buys and unboxes over 200 physical albums of TWICE’s recent Korean album, Summer Nights. But then again, many K-Pop fans who are buying physical albums are buying them for the photocards, photobooks, and whatever special thing it may come with that specific album. Rarely is there anyone opening up the albums to listen to the physical copy of their music. Why bother when you can listen to it in the reach of your phone?

The whole “Travis Scott and Nicki Minaj” feud that has been going on for the last two weeks tells us something about just how bad music has become a game of “how much can I sell in order to get my album sales up?” Every artist uses this tactic; in 2015, I bought Kelly Clarkson’s 7th studio album, Piece by Piece digitally in order to get early access to her tour tickets when they go on sale the week after. Ya girl was trying to see Kelly at Radio City Music Hall with Pentatonix because they were (and still are) some of my favorites… of course Kelly being the top dog on that list. 

Also: the concert was amazing.

Back to the argument: artists use this tactic of selling digital downloads of their albums with their merchandise to boost of their sales, as well as promote the shit out of their music on Apple Music, Spotify, and other streaming services in order to get those “sales” as well. I mean, let’s be completely honest right now: Camila Cabello’s “Havana” wouldn’t have gotten the hype that it received if Camila didn’t make it her mission to let her audience know to stream it on Spotify. Once the song became extremely popular on streaming services, its next step was airplay, and before you know it, everyone who was and wasn’t a fan of Camila Cabello knew that goddamn song.

Again, I’m not saying this to bash any artist; I still really do enjoy the music of some mainstream artists nowadays, but in my opinion, the overall enjoyment of music isn’t what it used to be.

Although I am only 24 years old, I’m still going to say this: back in my day, if you liked one song from a particular artist, you had to buy the entire album. People actually used to know every single song on an album by heart because they listened to an entire physical album on CD players. I still remember almost every single word on Rihanna’s third studio album, Good Girl Gone Bad because I listened to every song. The excitement of going to a music store and buying a physical copy of your favorite artist’s album was so exciting, you were rushing to get back home and put it on in your stereo. I still remember the day my mom took my sister and me to the music store near us to buy Britney Spears’ second studio album, Oops!… I Did It Again. Once we had it in our hands, we went home and played the entire album on our stereo for the entire day. At the end of the day, what I’m trying to say is that music was once an experience. Music nowadays is just… too commerical. 

A part of me always had this revelation that I didn’t belong in an industry like that. When I was a kid, all I ever wanted to do was become a famous singer, and as I got older and began to attempt to put my foot in the door (which that is another story for another day), I realize just how much it isn’t about the music anymore. It’s about how much you can sell. It’s about how good you look and how great your personality is. It’s about who you know, not what you know. I realized at a young age that striving in an industry that was on the heels of changing wasn’t right for me, and to this day, I still stand by my decision.

I don’t think music will ever be what it once was, but then again, I guess you can say that to any adult who has been around long enough to see the change in music…

… maybe I am getting old.

 

-Liz. (: