Hey, guys – welcome back to TNTH.
So, let’s just get straight to the post: this last week has left me with a lot of anxiety having to make big decisions that I wasn’t prepared to make.
In a nutshell, I’ve been seriously job hunting for the last two months. Since graduating, I’ve felt like I had a nice, well-needed break from the stress and work I had to get done this past semester. Now that I feel well rested, I’ve been prepping the next chapter of my life, which is actually finding a job!
While being in grad school, I didn’t have the clearest path on where I wanted to go after graduating. I mean, I didn’t really have breathing room during my studies to think about it; I was way too consumed in finishing my Master’s Thesis while juggling two literature courses my final semester as a grad student. But since I’ve graduated and allowed myself to relax and do some “soul-searching”, I’ve realized that I belong in a place like a college setting. I liked being a part of the academic community; I’ve realized I did way back when I was writing my thesis and felt this overwhelming passion of writing studies and curriculum and being a part of that process to bettering the experience for college students. I knew due to my anxiety and lack of teaching experience, I didn’t want to jump into adjuncting for my college right away. It wasn’t something that was completely out of the picture down the road, but for now, I couldn’t. But when I received the opportunity to teach in a short notice, I was conflicted: taking it meant I now had a paying job, but it also meant that I was jumping into something I knew I was experiencing extreme anxiety over. Not taking it – in my eyes – meant I was turning down an opportunity that I don’t know I’d ever get back. In the end, I had a really in-depth conversation with my professor about the situation, and coming out of it I felt a lot better.
Instead of teaching my own class, I’d be observing and assisting my professor with her graduate class, which teaches students how to teach writing in a public school classroom or a first-year college classroom.
I start tomorrow.
Although I took this exact course my first year in grad school as a student, I’d now be observing it through a perspective of a professor and how they would teach a class. In a sense, I’d be interning to get some experience not only to calm my own anxieties about teaching but to add something related to academics to my resume.
To me, I don’t mind it. I don’t mind actively doing something like this in order to gain some experience in a field I’m not familiar with. I do these type of thing for the experience, and to learn in all honesty. No, I can’t get paid to do something like this, but at the end of the day, it’s an experience that has more benefits coming out of it than just me getting money. Doing something as minor as this can open up new doors and help me build the network I need in my related field.
And while I still know all of this, the little “judgement Judy” who likes to cause all this self-doubt in me still stirs around in my mind. What if this is the wrong thing to do at this level? What if I’m back at square one once this is over? What if I’m making excuses and hindering my own success?
I say this with a couple of people in mind as I write this: I see people doing what they need to do to make money. People my age are actually working real jobs, whereas I am too afraid of the commitment and responsibility behind those said jobs. People my age are now full-functioning adults whereas I still feel like I’m living life as the face of “Peter-Pan Syndrome”…
Of course, this is my judgement mind speaking, and not my actual functioning common sense mind.
I made this decision because it was the right one to make regarding my circumstances. I can’t expect those around me (even little “judgement Judy” in my head) to understand why I am doing what I’m doing. People are going to have their thoughts and opinions on things which then may influence your thoughts and opinions, but I have to remember one important thing about life and journeys:
Not everything people have is for you and not everything you have is for them.
It’s the honest truth.
We are at the age where yeah, you’re going to be comparing whether or not a girl you knew in high-school is doing better than you, or if the group of people who bullied you in elementary school grew up and are doing their “adult” living thing. In this day and age, people are curious and wonder what the hell people are up to, and people will judge you behind your back, calculating your success to their potential success.
And what I have to say to that is that people move the way they move because they are going up a different path than you, and that’s okay.
It’s okay to be taking the year off to travel the world. It’s okay to want to settle down and have children. It’s okay to get engaged and get married. It’s okay to still be in the “post-grad job hunting process” after graduating. It’s okay to take a retail job while figuring out your career. It’s okay to put school on hold for personal reasons. It’s okay to have two degrees and intern. It’s okay to do whatever it is that you would like to do in order to go for the bigger picture. It’s okay has been something I’ve been telling myself these last couple of weeks, because even if I’m not where I’d like to be,
at least I am trying to get there in the way that is according to my plan that is right for me.
I. Am. Trying.
-Liz. (:
Letters From Liz. 