Hey, guys – welcome back to TNTH!
So, how are we already in the middle of September? Before we know it, it’s going to be Halloween, then Christmas, and then BAM! 2019 is here.
In the two weeks I’ve been away from the blog, a lot of great stuff has happened; I started my TA position back at my college, I officially have my Master’s degree in my hands, and I did something that challenged my anxiety.
It may not be the biggest deal in the world, but for a person who has been held back by their own poor judgment of themselves for years, I finally did something to theoretically take back control of my body.
I cut my hair very short.
I wasn’t planning on doing it, but I know that I felt bored with my hair for the last couple of months. Last week, I dyed my hair, looked in the mirror, and told my sister that I wanted to cut my hair short, like, really short. So two hours and 5 inches of hair cut off later, I was now rocking a new do. It was refreshing, it was exhilarating, and for the first time in a while, it felt as if I took control of my body again.
One major flaw living with anxiety is that it allows me to question and self-doubt every decision that I make in life. Since it does, I stay clear of doing new things and doing things that aren’t in my normal routine. Yes, that includes even the way that I look. My hair has been through a lot these last two years mainly because every time I tried changing the color or the style of it, I would self-doubt my decision, then regret it, and quickly change it back. It’s why every time bleach even touches my hair, I freak out and throw some dark brown hair dye back into my locks. I felt restrained by the judgment of myself, which is crazy to even think because how can you feel trapped within yourself cause by yourself? To an extent, it is you holding yourself back.
Changing the cut of my hair was just the noticeable change; I’ve been actually trying to live this mantra of being the boss of my own body for quite some time.
While there are still things I’m still trying to work towards, I have felt changes in the way I separate my anxiety to my overall judgment. It’s still a working progress in reminding myself that I am not my anxiety and that it is possible that there are times my judgment of myself is false. I have anxiety, anxiety does not have me, and that’s the mindset I’m trying to live by and that everyone who feels restricted to themselves should live by.
Being the boss of your own body is letting you do the things that excite you or take you outside of your comfort zone. Wanting to wear that dress during the summer without allowing your judgment to tell you “oh, well your stomach is going to be all out and jiggle when you walk” is being in control of your body. Wanting to go to that new spot that opened up on a Friday night without letting your judgment tell you “bad things might happen, stay home where you’re safe” is being in control of your body. Wanting to communicate better with the people in your life without letting your judgment tell you “you’re going to hurt their feelings and shit’s really going to hit the fan” is not just taking control of your body, but also being confident in yourself and your relationships with people by expressing how you feel.
Me cutting my hair really short without letting my judgment tell me “oh, you’re so going to regret doing that, you now look like a boy and it’s going to take years to grow back” is me taking back control of my own body.
So, I advise of you (whether or not your judgment is caused by anxiety, low self-esteem, or insecurities) to do whatever the fuck you want. Cut that hair. Wear that dress. Go to that place on Friday night. Express yourself to the ones you love. Be confident and assertive with the words that come out of your mouth. Do what you want to do in life.
Take back control of that body of yours.
-Liz. (:
Letters From Liz. 