Creative Pieces

Pillow Talk: A Scene.

liz

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It’s a hazy, Summer dusk in New York City; the sound of cars driving by and outside conversation is coming through the open window in the bedroom. A couple is laying down on the bed; a naked 20-year-old woman with straight black hair and olive skin, SUMMER, is laying against a naked 20-year-old man with black hair and warm-toned skin and body tattoos, EVAN. They both just finished having sex. Evan is caressing Summer as he looks up towards the ceiling, at peace. Summer brushes her fingers on Evan’s chest as she is holding a sheet to cover her body with her other hand. Silence fills the room, but it isn’t an awkward silence. It’s a… cathartic silence. 

Summer looks up to Evan, who is still looking up at the ceiling, relaxing, emptying his mind of anything and everything worrisome or stressful. His best moments are when he’s with Summer; she makes all the bad things go away in an instant. Summer, on the other hand, can’t stop fidgeting her fingers against Evan’s chest. Her eyes look glass-like, about to fall and break from the weight of her thoughts at this moment. On a normal day, Evan’s presence is enough to get her through the day. His contagious smile that he tends to do, the one where his eyes smile along with his mouth, is her daily drug, and she can’t live without it. 

Today is a little bit different. 

Summer randomly takes a deep breath and stares into nothingness. It’s time.

Summer: He used to abuse me.

Evan’s staring contest with the ceiling is instantly broken, and he turns his head towards Summer, looking concerned. 

Evan: What?

Summer: Frankie; my ex. He used to hit me and mentally abuse me. For three years, that’s what my days looked like. It’s why I’m now afraid of relationships. It’s just a reminder that maybe I’m not worthy of being treated right.

Evan looks at Summer with a surprised expression; not knowing how to handle the random confessions of Summer.

Evan: Sum, we don’t have to talk about this if you aren’t ready; it’s okay.

Summer turns her body to face the ceiling, speaking to it like it was a confessional.

Summer: Frankie and I meant in high-school. I was 16, naive, and insecure. He was the only boy to see me past the nerdy clothes and pimply face. He was an athlete; all built-in muscle and hypermasculinity, like every other sports guy in the world. But in the beginning, he was sweet. He walked me home on days when I had dance rehearsal. He made sure the bullies didn’t mess with me anymore. He cared for me in a way I didn’t think any guy would want to care for me. Maybe that’s why I thought his methods of showing his caring nature were normal.

Summer closes her eyes, reliving a memory. 

Summer: He once saw me talking to another guy from one of my classes; we were assigned a group project together. When he saw me at lunch talking to him, he grabbed my arm and took me away to yell at me, telling me that I was lucky to even have him as a boyfriend because guys only want to talk to me for “virgin ass” and test answers. He invited me over to his place to talk about it, but all it did was cause this huge fight. When I snapped back at him, that’s when he first slapped me in my face.

Summer opens her eyes.

Summer: He said he was sorry, that it would never happen again. That he loved me and he had a hard time expressing that to me. I believed him. I forgave him. I should’ve left that night and never looked back.

Evan’s attention is fully on Summer. As he sees her struggle, he gently holds her hand for comfort. It calms her down.

Evan: You don’t have to do this, Sum. I understand.

Summer takes her hand away and sits up from the bed. Evan sits up at well, still focused on Summer.

Summer: At school, we were everyone’s favorite couple. He was the rising athlete on honor roll, I was the “girl that came from nothing to something”; everyone loved us together. People really thought Frankie loved me, man. They would say how Frankie never let go of my hand when walking down the halls without realizing he just never wanted me out of his sight. Behind closed doors, we fought like dogs. we argued every single day and disagreed on almost everything. He told me I was too ugly for anyone else, that nobody really liked me and they only wanted to use me for their personal gain. He made me believe that I was this horrible person so when the slaps turned into punches turned into tossing me across his bedroom like a damn piece of sport’s equipment, I always felt like I deserved it; like he wouldn’t be doing that to me if I wasn’t doing anything wrong.

Summer holds her body in an uncomfortable manner. She closes her eyes again, now with her eyebrows scrunched together, with a distasteful expression on her face.

Summer: One night, he had invited me to his place to celebrate some good news he got about college. Of course, I went, I loved him, and I was proud of him for getting the scholarship to one of his top schools. When he wasn’t an asshole, that’s all he talked about: his athletic dreams and studying sports medicine while playing in college. It was a different side of him when he spoke about his dreams and goals… maybe that’s what attracted me in the first place.

Summer is now squirming in the bed, grasping on the sheet to cover her body up even more.

Summer: I got there, and clearly he’d been drinking his dad’s wine or some fancy shit that was stored in his house. He just reeked of alcohol. I offered to take care of him and that he needed to stop drinking for the night… so I tried taking the… the bottle away from him…

She’s now taking in deep-breaths; she needs to let this out of her throat. 

Summer: He hit me so hard that I got bruised on my face. He tried helping me out by putting ice on it, and when he thought it was helping, he started to kiss it, and then kiss me without me kissing him back… he then, he–

Evan: Summer.

Summer: *hysterical* I kept saying no, I just wanted it to end, he wouldn’t stop–

Summer breaks down in tears. She covers her eyes in shame, shaking her head no continuously. Evan takes Summer into his arms and rocks her side to side, trying to calm her down.

Evan: You are worthy of love, Summer. Always remember that.

The air is full of silence again, the sunset comes through the bedroom window and hits on the wall above Evan and Summer. Evan is stroking Summer’s hair away from her teary, wet face as she looks up at him. They stare at each other for a moment.

Evan: Gwaenchanhayo.

Evan smiles at Summer, reassuring her that he meant the words he said. 
Summer is now at peace in that very moment, hoping they both stay this way forever.
— The End —
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Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: My Toxicity.

liz

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When I was a teenager, I played the victim a lot. If I acted out of line or did anything bad or harsh, I blamed it on other people, since I was never the type to be anything but nice, genuine, kind, and caring. If I did anything out of character, I thought it was due to the influence of other people. “They made me this way.”

Hi, my name is Liz, and I’m learning that I, in certain circumstances, can be a toxic person.

Let’s try that again: Hi, my name is Liz, and I have toxic traits. 

I’m confident enough to know that I’m a kind-hearted person. I care for the people around me, I’m nice even when I’m not having the greatest of days, I’m considerate, and I’m an empath. Thank you, Nina, for reminding me that I truly am empathetic. 

While that might sound good, it doesn’t mean that I don’t make mistakes. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’ve hurt a lot of people throughout my years living on this Earth. I’ve hurt people who I’ve dropped as friends for no reason. I’ve probably broken a couple of hearts from secret admirers. I know I’ve hurt my family with actions and words throughout the years. I’ve probably hurt my ex throughout the years as well.

What I’m saying is that we are human, and we are bound to hurt the people in our lives no matter how kind-hearted or nice you are.

So, to the people I’ve hurt in the past, the present, and even those who I will probably hurt in the future: I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for not taking consideration in the things you may have adored, worried about, wanted me to care about, and everything in between that left you feeling like I didn’t give a shit about you. One of my toxic traits is not having a good enough balance of caring for myself and then caring for others. I tend to be harsh, not caring enough, even to some degree I lack empathy or sympathy, and I truly do not tend to be that way. I think I excluded myself from others for so many years, I think I just don’t know how to be present and openly supportive of the things that you care about.  I’m working on it.

I’m sorry for leaving without a warning and make you wonder what happened and what you did wrong. The answer is probably nothing. My toxic trait is that I feel like I’m easily forgotten, which makes me believe I can hop out of friendships without anyone caring or noticing. I’m also sorry for never giving you any closure on why I left you in the first place. Maybe I just didn’t want to hurt your feelings and tell you I don’t want to be friends anymore. Maybe you did something to hurt me first and instead of being mature and speaking up, I stood quiet until I found the right time to slip out of the friendship. Again, my toxic traits really do come to life when it comes to dealing with friendships, and the fact of the matter is maybe I’m just not a good person to be close friends with. Maybe you have to keep your distance from me. Maybe it’s the social anxiety disorder. Maybe I just haven’t had friends in a really long time and tend to overthink the ones that stay. I’m working on it.

Lastly, I’m sorry for ever making you feel like you are always wrong, even in situations where I was in the wrong. My toxic trait is that I can’t take criticism without taking it to heart and that I get extremely defensive when I’m getting accused of doing something wrong or hurtful. I make things about myself sometimes, and sometimes I just wish that I was always right and that people saw things the way that I do. I’m trying to learn that not everything I believe will be correct or the right thing,, and when it isn’t, I should listen and take it for consideration without thinking I’m being attacked. Again, my toxic traits may stem from my mental health, and I’m working on both to be a better person for myself, and to those around me.

But, I’m human. We all are, and we aren’t perfect. Sure, tell that to the toxic trait that thinks I need to be perfect, but I know I’m not. The first step to any sort of self-healing and discovery is understanding that we have toxic traits and that sometimes we are the bad guy in someone’s narrative.

That doesn’t make us bad people, just people that need some work to do. 

So, to my teenage self: I forgive you for not taking responsibility for the things you’ve said and done; you were young and didn’t know any better. I mean, who did? Because of you, I am able to learn and accept myself for not always being good, and for not always being right. Because of you, I’m learning, and I’m becoming more aware, even if I might not always get it right the first couple of times.

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Self-Appreciation Saturdays

SAS: Listen To Your Soul. (11/9/19)

liz

self-appreciation saturday

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

Kylie Jenner said it best a couple of years ago when this year was the year of like, realizing stuff. 2019 has been a year of a lot of wake-up calls, heartbreak, new beginnings and tons of self-growth. Like, who is she?

Anyway, it wasn’t easy even to remotely be where I am today. It’s taken a lot of trial and error, and it still does. I haven’t perfected the art of listening to my soul, but I’m learning that the mind doesn’t want what it wants, the heart doesn’t want what it wants, it’s truly the soul wants what it wants. Figuratively, your soul runs your mind and heart.

Confused? Lemme explain. 

I always believed to some extent that the soul plays a major part in your life decisions, but I never realized how much of an impact it makes in your life until my therapist, Cathy, spoke to me about it. For a while now, she’s spoken to me about how truly connected the mind and heart are, and it’s usually not just one part that knows better than the other. She says this because I have a habit of blaming my bad self-judgment on “the voice in my mind”. No, I don’t hear voices, but it feels like my mind is always the one part of my body that disapproves of a lot of my decisions and life choices. What I’ve been learning from my therapist (and just finally admitting to myself) that once your soul feels something different or contrasting to what you’re doing, you fucking feel it immediately. 

You honestly don’t know how important it is to listen to your soul until you’re face-to-face with all of the events leading up and connecting to it. It’s not that easy to escape what your soul is trying to tell you, no matter how many times you try to tell yourself that you’re overthinking things or you’re just going through a funk. Once your soul feels something different than what you want it to feel, it’s hard to tell it otherwise.

At the end of the day, your soul knows what’s best for you; it knows when it’s time to let go of something, it knows when to say no to things you aren’t okay with, and it tells you situations and scenarios that you should avoid and go for. Your soul speaks because it wants something to change, typically for the better. It’s difficult, it’s unsettling, and it could be absolutely life-changing. But, the soul speaks for a reason.

2019 has been a year of my soul not wanting to shut up. It’s spoken some uncomfortable truths that I was too afraid to let out, and when they engulfed me as time passed, all I could do was listen to it and admit to what my soul was telling me. Because of that, I’ve made some drastic changes in my life this past year, which led me to be in the space I am currently in, sort of grateful that I finally listened to my soul.

It’s so important to listen to your soul because she (or he, whichever it is for you) is a powerful force that knows what she’s talking about. She knows you best, and she is probably the first part of you that knows when you’re growing up and maturing. She only speaks to you when she believes you are able to make such big decisions, and when she believes you are strong enough to come out of the hard times. She only tells you things when she feels like you’re ready, and most of the time, you are ready.

So, why not listen to it? You never know where life will take you when you do!

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Topic Tuesdays: Random

Fourth Tattoo: Story + Meaning.

liz

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25 had taught me that you truly only live once and if you really want to do something, go and fucking do it.

On a Thursday afternoon on the bus on my way home from work, I decided that I wanted to get my fourth tattoo.

Whenever I decide that I want to get a new tattoo, it typically means that something in my life has saved me in a sense, and I decide to document (or honor) that thing through a tattoo idea. My first tattoo honored my favorite TV show of all time, The Killing, the second one honors my passion for writing, the third one represents Kelly Clarkson’s My December album, and this fourth one needed to represent the new thing that has saved me a couple of times: KPop.

KPop was introduced into my life about a year and a half ago during one of my laundry days with my mother. I live in a predominantly Asian neighborhood in NYC, so the laundromat we go to is owned by an Asian family. One day during our laundry days, they played TWICE’s “Knock Knock” on the TV, and the rest is history. It was catchy, it was cute, and I had to go home afterward and find the song on Spotify and listen to it. It then led me down a rabbit hole of everything KPop related. Since then, it’s become pretty much the only genre of music I listen to, and I know a lot more than I should about Kpop, in all honesty. At the end of the day, KPop music makes me extremely happy, and it has saved me through a lot of dark moments of my life within the last year and a half. It was only right that sooner or later, I’d get something that symbolized KPop tattooed on my body.

It’s not common for KPop idols to have tattoos; in fact, most idols with tattoos have to wear a skin-colored patch over their tattoos on music shows just so that they look more “clean” and “natural”. Tattoos in South Korea aren’t as widely accepted as they are in westernized countries, but people do have them and some of them happen to be KPop idols. Particularly TWICE’s Chaeyoung has gotten a couple of tattoos in the last few months which I’m all for, but also two members of X1 have multiple tattoos of their own: Seungwoo and Seungyoun.

Whenever they are allowed to show their tattoos at events and whatnot, one tattoo of Seungyoun’s always caught my eye. I mean sure, Seungwoo’s “Don’t rock me up” tattoo was the true star of the “U GOT IT” performance back in PDX101…

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Ugh, take me back. 

Anyway, I didn’t realize Seungyoun has this tattoo on his wrist until I began to see it in promotional pictures for their album as well as fancam pictures at their fan-signs. On Seungyoun’s wrist, he has a read sad, crying face next to a plus sign and then a yellow smiley face. In an article, it states it represents both of his sides (duh), but also that he got them when his former group, UNIQ, was in an indefinite hiatus.

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I really liked the overall tattoo, although personally for me, I’m not a fan of colored tattoos. I can only imagine how many Seungyoun fans now have this tattooed on their bodies as well, and I guess I’m one of them now, but I truly wanted to get it a little different than his. Atlas, my tattoo came to life.

Not only does this tattoo represent my love for KPop, but it also has another true meaning behind it. Where there is sadness, there is happiness. Where there’s bad, there’s good. Where there are downs, there’re ups. You can’t have one without the other, and together, they make up life.

I didn’t know if I was really ready to get this tattooed on my body, but something told me that this was the perfect multi-meaning tattoo I could possibly get for myself. So, I said “fuck it”, and stopped at the tattoo parlor I usually go to and got this walk-in by one of the guys there named Alex. It took 15 minutes tops; 10 minutes to set up his station, 5 minutes to tattoo it for me. I absolutely love it. 

I don’t know if this will be the last tattoo (probably not, my sibling and I need to get our matching ones still), but I know that whatever I decide to get in the future, it would mean something to me and represent that part of my life.

I’m glad that this impulse decision was a good one! 😉

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Self-Appreciation Saturdays

SAS: Boundaries are Self-Care, Not Selfish. (11/2/19)

liz

self-appreciation saturday

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

Okay, so confession time: I sometimes don’t trust myself. Lemme rephrase that: I sometimes don’t trust my own judgment. I constantly think that the decisions I make are not the right ones, or I think that the decisions I make are selfish. It’s taking me a while to finally be okay with saying no, and even then I sometimes feel bad for doing it. I’m learning how to be in tune with my body, its signs, and learning what my personal boundaries may be.

Which brings me to my next point: having boundaries is an act of self-care; it does not make you selfish.

Boundaries are your limits, and you honestly may not know what your boundaries are at first. Your body just knows what your boundaries are; they are influenced by your tolerance, your self-image, your values, and your growth as a person. They also change with time; what your boundaries were when you were a teenager may not be the same as they were being an adult. Lemme rephrase that: they aren’t the same. So when you find yourself not being okay with something you once were alright with or find your breaking points in some areas a bit more sensitive than before, it’s totally normal. Your mindset changes, your goals change, your judgments change, and your boundaries are just as interchangeable.

With that being said, don’t allow anyone to tell you that your boundaries are selfish and they make you self-centered. Boundaries are supposed to be about putting yourself first and what you feel is the right thing. It’s not selfish to have boundaries.

In fact, it’s an act of self-care. It’s knowing that the behavior, energies, and patterns you attracted before are not some you want to have in your life, and so you create a boundary so it won’t happen again. It’s being self-aware to the point that you know the things that may set you off, make you feel uncomfortable, or that you simply don’t agree with. Your boundaries are simply created because you are protecting yourself from things that may affect you.

It’s completely okay to want to protect yourself. For me, that’s what my boundaries are all about: to not only protect myself from bad surroundings but to even protect myself from my own toxic traits. For me, I have to set boundaries with my own self so that I don’t let my thoughts bring me down a rabbit hole. It’s me telling myself “no, Liz. You will not do that today” that helps me get through some of my more stressful days.

So, make those boundaries. Ask yourself:

  1. Do I need to put a boundary on family & friends? If so, what type of boundary?
  2. Do I need a boundary for my personal schedule? What days would I like to have “me time”?
  3. Are there any toxic traits I have that I need to set a boundary for my healing self? Is it a certain thought that needs a boundary? Behavior? The energy I attract?
  4. What are some things I’m absolutely not okay engaging in anymore?
  5. How do I respectively discuss my boundaries with those around me?

It’s not easy to be okay having boundaries. For me, I sometimes do feel selfish and not willing to put my differences aside for other people. But, there’s typically a reason why I’m not able to, and your soul will be the first to let your body know that there needs to be a boundary for those people in your life. 

It takes time to enforce the boundaries you have and be okay with it. It’s a part of becoming assertive, it’s a part of the process of respecting yourself, and honestly, once you have that embedded in you, your surroundings will be able to respect the rules you have with yourself.

I’m still learning to be okay with it! I’m still trying to not overthink the worst-case scenarios if I set up boundaries with other people. I still worry that my boundaries could potentially make people not want to be in my life anymore, and I worry about that fine-line between boundaries and selfishness because there is one. I wonder how I would personally feel saying no to something or someone in my life; it’s definitely a journey.

And while all these worries may circulate in your head, you have to remind yourself that your boundaries are your boundaries, and people who understand them will understand and respect yours. Also, you have to remind yourself that your boundaries are a result of self-awareness turned into self-care; at the end of the day, you are only doing what’s best for you, which you should always be putting first in your life.

It’s okay to have boundaries and still be a sympathetic/empathetic person. You don’t have to have one or the other. Having boundaries, in a way, is a human quality to have. It’s normal, and it’s needed for your everyday function.

Set them boundaries up, boo.

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Monthly Favorites

October 2019 Highlights & Favorites!

liz

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

Can you guys believe that in two days, it’ll be Halloween? This month flew by and I’m not ready to dive into November and see all the damn Christmas decorations go up.

It was definitely an overall hard but good month for me. For personal reasons, my emotions were all over the place and it took some reflection time for me to settle in everything I was feeling and going through this month. For the most part, though, October was truly a good month for me, and sometimes my pessimistic self doesn’t believe that I’m capable of having a generally good couple of weeks. 

So, without further ado – let’s talk about some highlights of the month:

Highlights:

1.) Ya girl got her hair done!

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I finally got myself some bleach in this hair and I’m gradually starting the process of going from black/dark brown to a medium brown/something lighter than my roots in all honesty. My sibling is currently a student at a beauty school and is currently working on the salon floor as practice and to build up clientele for the future. They asked if I was willing to come to the school and get some highlights in my hair since I was dying to lighten my hair in the first place. I’m a sucker for doing all sorts of shit to my hair, so I went and got my hair bleached and toned into highlights. I’ve been my sibling’s test dummy for years regarding haircuts and hair color, and this was honestly one of the best times they ever did highlights on my hair. It was crazy natural, and it blends in with the rest of my hair!

2.) High-School Reunion with Nina (SparklyWarTanks)

This is a high-school photo of us, by the way. Although this event happened towards the end of September, I wanted to include it here because of the things that happened and discussed that day are some of the reasons why this month was so completely different for me. So, Nina was my best friend in high school. We were in the same vocal class as freshmen and we got closer as freshman year progressed. We became extremely close our sophomore year; we basically had every class together and we spent many of our days off singing at events under our school choir. If anyone has seen me grow from the little, innocent, naive prude into the rebellious all-over-the-place teenager, it was her. We were the same in a lot of areas of our lives, but we were two completely different people as well, which ultimately led to us drifting apart as high-school went on. College came and we went our separate ways, and we lost touch for those years we were busy with our college selves.

What brought us back together was the mutual passion of writing. She began her own blog as part of a senior school project, and I followed it since. In a way, her blog encouraged me to start my own, and the rest is history. As we began to support each other’s passions through social media and through her events, she brought up the possibility of us hanging out one weekend and so we did. I can’t lie and say I wasn’t nervous; letting her back into my life meant that I was letting a part of my high-school self back as well, even if she wasn’t the toxic part in my high-school life. That conversation we had for hours taught me a valuable lesson: I can hurt people too and I can be the cause of someone’s bad mental health. I could be just as toxic for people as some people are for me, and it truly reminded me how much we’ve grown since we were teenagers. Of course, we did, we’re 25 now, but to have honest conversations with someone you hurt and just discuss unspoken emotions we both felt made me appreciate life a little more that day.

So, if you’re reading this Nina, thank you for teaching me a valuable lesson.

3.) I started a music podcast!

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Sometimes, doing things out of pure curiosity and fun of it could be a good thing! Earlier this month, my good friend, Tori, was thinking about starting a podcast on her Patreon and I was all in for the idea. I’m not the most active podcast listener, but I know that people listen to them while they are working out, cooking, studying, trying to sleep; whatever type of multitasking thing there is to do. I mainly wanted to try it out because I’ve been doing nothing but listening to music to get me through the hardships that the month brought me. I wanted a platform where I could share my love for music, showcase the music, and even share my knowledge about the genre without typing it all out. So, I decided to test-run an episode with some of my favorite hits at the moment and found myself having so much fun with it. Music, especially now, is one of the major reasons how and why I’m happy at this moment (especially K-Pop) and I wanted to share it with other music-loving people in hopes that they adventure out into some genres and songs they never even heard of. In the time I’m writing this, two more episodes have been recorded and are pending for publication within the next couple of weeks, so be on the lookout for that!

Favorites:

1.) My First Physical Copy of a K-Pop Album:

 

If I was ever going to pop my K-Pop album cherry, it would be X1’s 1st Mini Album, Quantum Leap. If you guys have been living under a rock or purposely been ignoring me because I’m always talking about them, you would know that I’ve been obsessed with X1 ever since they were officially put together during the summer under Produce X 101. If you want to know more about my thoughts about their debut when it first happened back in August, you already know there’s a blog post about it. Not only was their debut such a strong one, but the whole album was also really good, so it was only right for me to get it when I had the extra money to purchase it. I ordered it directly from South Korea so the shipping was crazy expensive, but it was so totally worth having this album in my hands. It’s funny, I showed my mother the album and the photobook that comes with it and was like “…this is what you’re obsessed with?” And I proudly said yes. I told myself that while X1 is promoting, I’ll be buying all their physical albums because I’m such a huge fan of them. So yeah. Thanks, X1, for popping my K-Pop physical album cherry. Ew, that sounds gross.

2.) Anything Seungyoun related.

Cho Seungyoun (Hangul: 조승연) is a member of X1 obviously. Born in 1996, he is the second oldest behind Seungwoo, the leader of the group and occasional bias wrecker for sure. It’s truly crazy to see how quickly things can change; on my ideal final-lineup for the group during PDX101, he wasn’t even on my top 11 and yet I’m obsessed with him. It’s not like I’m obsessed with him through his looks (yeah, he’s good-looking af), but I’m obsessed with the many talents he has and the “all-rounder” title he holds within the group. He knows four languages, he sings, dances, raps, beatboxes, produces, writes, composes, like do I need to say more? He’s a fucking monster.

Within X1, he is one of the four members in the group that had already debuted through their own respected companies and boy groups before joining the show for a second chance at success. Seungyoun started out as one of the members of the Chinese-Korean group, UNIQ. As one of the rappers and one of two members that are Korean, he was in charge of pretty much rewriting the lyrics to their songs in Korean so that their Korean audiences would know the songs in their languages. Mind you, homeboy was only 18 doing all of this. Their second single, “EOEO” is such a good fucking song; it’s sexy, it’s rap-heavy which I’m finding myself loving K-Rap a little bit more these days, and it’s catchy!

He’s also branched out of the group and began his own solo career, first under the stage name “Luizy” and later under the name “WOODZ”. As “Luizy”, his song entitled “Baby Ride (feat. Hyungsik of BTOB” is such a feel-good song. If you’re already missing the summer (I’m not), this will definitely bring that summer-vibe back into your life! It’s definitely a good song to listen to on a sunny breezy day on your way to school or work and it just feels like a good time. As “WOODZ” the musical genre is a lot more mellow, R&B and less rap-focused, and as mentioned in the first Music From Liz podcast, “DIFFERENT” hits you in the feels. It’s also a very big mood-setting song; on a cloudy day with a slight drizzle of rain hitting the bus window; ugh the feels. The song is typically about a breakup of a couple because they were incompatible with one another. The music video is definitely aesthetically pleasing, artistic, and beautiful.

 

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Honestly, that’s all for now! See you guys in November!

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Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: Bullshitting Happiness.

liz

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Masks, disguises, facades, whatever you want to call them; we all have them.

We put them on whenever we got to get through our day. We put them on whenever we don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or cause trouble. We put them on because if we didn’t, we wouldn’t be the most functional beings on the planet. So, we pretend everything is fine, our lives are fine, our psyche is fine, our soul is fine, but let’s face it: are we ever totally and completely fine?

Hi, my name is Liz, and I’m bullshitting my happiness.

Lemme rephrase that: I’m going through a very normal part of life; heartbreak, sadness, reidentification, yet I think I have everything under control.

I’m not depressed, nor am I in a bad place as I’m currently writing this. In fact, I’ve been doing pretty well; I have a job I absolutely love, I’m allowing my interests and passions to shine through without feeling judged for them, and I finally feel like I’m getting the time to know myself all over again.

But, I’ve been dealing with some things that are normal in human life, yet my mind does not want to process things properly without feeling I will send myself into a dark place if I *feel* too much.

Let me be honest with you guys: I’m 25 and dealing with my first breakup. It’s challenging, to say the least, only because a large chunk of my identity was (and still is) what I was in that relationship. I’m fairly young, and for almost half of my life I only knew what it was like to be in that relationship. To now be 25, single, and not have a clear image of my own identity makes things hard. It’s not just the grieving that’s hard. It’s not just the memories and remembering the good times that’s hard. The hardest part out of all of this is now having to figure out my own identity after a major part of it was influenced by my relationship. To say that I’ve moved on and “living my best life” is a lie; I’m still grieving over a major loss in my life, and that takes time to do.

Despite romantic relationships, familial relationships are challenging at 25. You don’t just see your family as these strong beings in your life that are invincible; you see them as real human beings with real emotions and feelings of their own, and with our current situation that maybe one day I will share out loud, it definitely makes things harder, especially when my empathetic qualities are more present for my family.

Despite everything that’s happened in the course of these two months, I’ve still been able to put a smile on my face, enjoy my days, and lie to my therapist.

That’s until my regular therapist came back from maternity leave.

My therapist, Cathy, has known me for the last year and a half. She’s been with me through the highs, the lows, the anxiety attacks, the weak points, the strong points, and even when the suicidal thoughts were at an all-time high. She knows me pretty well, and will pretty much call me out on my bullshit. 

This past week, I went to therapy thinking I was alright; I didn’t have anything to talk about, but Cathy is the type of therapist that will dig deep and try to make you talk about something. She started off asking me about my family and how everything is going. Although she knows what’s been going on with my family, it still is so uncomfortable to speak out loud and give it existence. There’s still shame behind it, and it’s something that feels like a sacred family secret, but I did speak about it with Cathy. She asked me questions that felt extremely difficult to answer only because there are questions I don’t think about myself. To reflect on things and question myself about them is something I really do avoid doing; I’m afraid it will cause me to lose my self-control and self-harm or have suicidal thoughts once again.

The topic of my breakup came up and of course, it’s another thing that has become uncomfortable to talk about because it’s something I’m still constantly thinking about. As much of an expressive person I am, I truly to minimize and vaguely answer questions about myself because, well, I don’t know why. Maybe it’s a bad habit that is so embedded in me, I don’t realize I’m doing it. So, in true Cathy fashion, she made me dig deep into my feelings and my behaviors and emotions about this situation and called me out on some of the things that I was doing that’s still unhealthy for my healing. It’s completely normal for me to be doing these things because it was a huge part of my life that I’m now living without, but ultimately I have to be more aware and honest with myself whenever I do something that isn’t healthy for me.

Of course, it was all true. There’s so much holding back and holding on because I’m simply not ready. There’s a lot of distraction and masking up because I’m not ready to deal with it yet. There’s a lot of trauma built up in me that I’m not ready to address because of the fear that I might get bad again, and every time things get bad, I wonder if I will ever get out of that bad place again.

So, I cried and admitted everything to Cathy, and it was the realization that I needed.

The fact of the matter is is that I am happy. I am happy that I’m beginning to challenge the things that I thought I was bad at like socializing with people and keeping a retail job. I’m happy that I’ve gotten to meet some amazing people at my job and have been able to connect with them without feeling like I’m being judged by them. I’m happy that I’m not overthinking minor decisions anymore and are doing things because I want to do them. I’m happy that I’m learning how to embrace the qualities and interests that make up my being without feeling shame for them. I’ve made progress; a tremendous amount of progress, and I’m happy that at this point in life, I’m doing good.

But, that doesn’t mean that I overcame the emotional and mental trauma that lives inside me. It doesn’t mean that my bad habits are all fixed. It doesn’t mean that my depression and anxiety doesn’t get as bad as it was. It doesn’t mean that I’m ready to completely share my story to the world and not care about the backlash it may bring or the judgments it may carry. It doesn’t mean that the energy that the bad things carry doesn’t affect some of my life the way that it does. Trauma doesn’t get fixed by a couple of therapy sessions and medication. It takes life-changing moments, in all honesty.

I’m not bullshitting my happiness, but I’m bullshitting my happiness. Meaning, I’m honestly in a really good place, but it doesn’t mean that there isn’t still work to do. It also means that just because I’m doing okay, it doesn’t mean that my surroundings and the people I care about the most who are going through don’t affect me. It will always affect me because I will always care.

So, lemme reintroduce me once more:

Hi, my name is Liz, and though I’m doing okay, I still carry trauma that may affect my everyday life, so please be patient with me on those bad days. 

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Topic Tuesdays: Music

My Thoughts on SM’s New Global Kpop Group, SuperM.

liz

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

A little disclaimer before we begin: I know I’m a couple of weeks late and my opinion on this boy group probably doesn’t count at this point, but I really wanted to share my thoughts regarding one of the most highly anticipated debuts in the Kpop industry this year.

So, for all of my non-Kpop viewers, let me give you some background on how the Kpop industry works.

The music industry in South Korea is definitely different than how American music industries work. For starters, American artists are usually signed under a record label are guaranteed some sort of exposure or music being made; Kpop idols take years to build up. KPop artists before they debut are trainees within entertainment agencies, and just because they get accepted into an agency doesn’t mean they will get the chance to debut right away. Some trainees are just luckier than others, but some trainees don’t get the chance to debut until years after they became trainees. For example, TWICE’s Jihyo was a trainee under JYP Entertainment for 10 years before she got the chance to debut. Of course, then there are situations when you finally get your chance to debut, but the turnout of your debut isn’t as successful as your company expected it to be. It’s one of the reasons why a lot of already debuted idols (i.e Victon’s Seungwoo & Byungchan, UNIQ’s Seungyoun, IM’s Hangyul, UP10TION’s Wooseok & Jinhyuk, Fromis_9’s Gyuri and many others that I cannot think of right now) go on popular survival shows as trainees: it’s their second chance at success as idols.

Although there are dozens of Korean entertainment agencies and although many of them are well-known for creating successful Kpop groups and soloists, the top three entertainment agencies that are guaranteed success no matter what comes out of there are SM Entertainment, JYP Entertainment, and YG Entertainment. SM Entertainment homes groups like Girls’ Generation, Red Velvet, EXO, NCT (U, Dream, 127, and all the other sub-units), SHINee, and f(x). JYP Entertainment homes groups such as TWICE, ITZY, GOT7, Wonder Girls, Miss A, DAY6, 2AM & 2PM. Lastly, YG Entertainment holds groups like BlackPink, iKON, 2NE1, BigBang, WINNER, and even soloist PSY, famous for “Gangnam Style” (He actually now runs his own agency called P Nation).

Now that you have a good idea on some of the background behind some of Kpop’s biggest names, let’s get to the meat and potatoes, shall we?

SuperM. Man, do I have a lot to say about this new boy group. 

SuperM debuted earlier this month after being announced last summer as SM Entertainment’s new Kpop project group. The purpose of this new “supergroup” was to pretty much create the next big thing in western culture; with BTS’ huge success in the United States and opening the door for third-generation Kpop internationally, many other agencies are now trying to mimic that success with groups of their own. For example: TWICE went on a four-stop North American World Tour during the summer, Blackpink has been on various daytime & nighttime talk shows to promote their music and United States appearances (like Coachella), and many other boy groups from other companies are traveling to the United States in hopes of exposure.

SM Entertainment is known as one of Kpop’s biggest successes within the second generation of the genre, and although their groups are still successful within third generation Kpop, the competition is just becoming too real, and they are slowly becoming the third biggest company out of the big 3; like seriously, TWICE is breaking records left and right and are possibly the biggest and most successful girl group of all time, which used to be SM Entertainment’s very own Girls’ Generation about a decade ago.

So, with that being said, I’m not surprised that SM made a decision like this one.

Again, I’m not blaming any of the members of SuperM, and quite frankly they are doing this because they follow what their company wants them to do; I’m pretty much exposing the fact that SM Entertainment took the easiest route of success and “debuted” well-known Kpop idols in a group together in order to target the American audience.

SuperM is a seven-member boy group consisting of members within three other SM groups: SHINee’s Taemin, EXO’s Kai and Baekhyun, and NCT’s (127 & WayV) Taeyong, Mark, Ten, and Lucas. If you’re a Kpop fan, you’ve probably heard of these groups, and these members of their respected groups; these three boy groups are wildly popular and have a huge following in South Korea, and even internationally. 

So, of course, it would make sense that SM Entertainment would put together a group of all famous well-established idols and target the American audience for just a quick success-rate.

This is where I have a problem:

There are thousands of trainees in Korean entertainment agencies that are fresh, young, and talented. They work hard and they train hard in hopes of their agencies seeing their potential to debut in new projects, and it really does sadden me that SM Entertainment doesn’t have faith in their trainees to debut a new group all-together or promote their already successful boy groups internationally. It also pisses me off that SM Entertainment only gave this opportunity of expansion to male idols when really it’s a female Kpop group we need in the United States to blow up. Maybe the American music industry isn’t so accepting of girl groups due to their cutesy image & the US really only acknowledges “girl-crush” groups, but still – SM Entertainment could’ve easily debuted a badass vocal Kpop girl group that could shut the American music industry down. 

But nope: try to recreate the success of BTS with already famous idols because it’s an easier way to success.

I probably wouldn’t have been so salty if their debut single wasn’t so… awful. First of all, it’s barely considered Kpop anymore when the entire song is pretty much an English song with four or five Korean lyrics sprinkled in there. Again, I know it’s targeting international audiences, but it still is a Kpop group; native English speakers in America didn’t fuck with Kpop because it was cool; it was because of the music!

The debut single is called “Jopping“, which is the words “jumping” and “popping” put together. Don’t get me wrong, it’s catchy and I think it slaps, but for an anticipated supergroup like SuperM, a concept in Kpop that hasn’t been done before might I add, it was just underwhelming for a lot of people.

This is why I believe this group was put together for a guaranteed success that required no actual work on the company’s part.

What SM should’ve done was to either push their existing groups (it’s not like they are failing anyway) to transition them overseas, or create a Kpop group with trainees that fit this overall concept; get some Korean trainees who could be the face of the group when promoting in Korea, get some foreign trainees (Japanese, Thai, Chinese, Korean-American) that can represent the group in their respective countries, and definitely have some of these members cater to English speaking audiences by having some fluent English speaking members in the group.

What I’m saying is that talent is talent, and I can only imagine how much work it truly is being a trainee to potentially an idol in South Korea. It looks difficult, it looks exhausting, and I bet you that many of these trainees who are still young as fuck are sacrificing being away from their families in order to follow their dream of becoming a Kpop idol.

BTS didn’t have any special members to make them famous in the US.

So in conclusion, in my opinion, I probably wouldn’t care to follow this group and their activities because here’s my very unpopular Kpop opinion: I don’t really like nor know these guys or the groups they come from. Of course, I’m a nobody, and if you want to “stan” them, go right ahead – these idols deserve the love they get from their fans! I just hate that the company decided to make a move like this in order to obtain more success and money from international fans, especially in the United States. I mean, how does a Kpop group from South Korea under a South Korean entertainment agency doesn’t promote, perform, or tour in South Korea? If anything, it’s immensely important to become a big deal in Korea first: if you blow up in Korea, you then blow up in all of the East Asian countries (and China) surrounding Korea – it’s happened for every single Kpop group I’ve been following. 

But hey, what do I know? I’m just Kpop trash.

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Self-Appreciation Saturdays

SAS: Be Who You Are To Others To Yourself. (10/19/19)

liz

self-appreciation saturday

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

How did everyone’s week go? I hope that it went as smooth as possible for you guys so that now you can relax for the weekend!

So, here’s a fun little story:

I’ve got some cool-ass co-workers. Like, they are possibly some of the coolest and most laid back people I’ve met in a professional setting like this, and I’m glad for my first job to have such a great group of people like them. I’ve definitely got more opportunities to get closer to some (same shifts back-to-back) and because of that, I’m definitely getting more comfortable to have deeper conversations about life rather than the typical workplace convos.

I was texting one of my co-workers after finding out she was also a big Shane Dawson & Jeffree Star fan and was following the same series I was watching as well. In true Liz form, I had to text her my thoughts on last week’s episode because there was just a lot to take in! So, we did that, but then the conversation shifted a bit when she started to worry that she didn’t feel like she has any motivations or passions she can act on and work towards. Again in true Liz nature, I offered her some advice and reassurance that everything will play itself out as she matures and experiences life some more (I mean, she’s 22, yet I’m talking as if there’s a 10-year age difference between us). She appreciated the kind words and because it was hitting close to midnight, we ended the conversation after a while.

It made me think that even for a person I only knew existed two months ago in August, I was still able to give her some honest advice that I truly believed in; I was once 22 feeling those same things right after graduating from college. Yeah, I was in grad school, but I still felt like I didn’t have any passions to fall back on; the only one I had was screenwriting which didn’t work out in the end. Because I know the feeling quite well, I was able to give some advice that I hope gave her some relief that she’s on the right path.

Possibly some of my wounded empath personality traits are healing?

But in all seriousness, the conversation truly made me wonder about giving myself some reassurance about the worries I have on life. Why is it so easy to help others out and believe the advice you give them, but when you give yourself advice, you don’t take it or believe it?

Maybe it’s more complicated than just telling myself what I have to do in order to heal. Maybe it’s the fear that I might be lying to myself about how I truly feel or something. Maybe I just overthink the scenarios if I acted upon them in the advice I give out. It’s definitely a weird game of devil’s advocate, so how do I stop doing that? How do people who believe the advice they give to others start believing it for themselves and their own problems?

I say we just have to practice doing so. We have to be confident enough with the advice we give out to others that we are able to literally practice what we preach.

For me, I’m learning that as time passes.

You honestly have to be your own support system, cheerleader, therapist, life counselor; pretty much your own damn fanbase in life because no one is going to go hard for you like you. 

So, why not believe in the things you believe for others and why not be the person you are for others for yourself?

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