Voiceless Rant: The Series

A Voiceless Rant: February 2020 Edition.

liz

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

New month, new goals, and new opportunities to make this month yours. Personally, for me, February has always been a rocky month for me; family deaths, pet deaths, relationship deaths, you named it and it happened during the month of February. Last year around this time, I spent the majority of the month in this huge fight, so needless to say: I hope 2020’s February has a different outcome.

I’m hopeful and confident that it will be because I now have control over my own life and my emotions are not tied to surrounding things and people that may affect it. I don’t say in a nasty way, but I’ve had years of experience on “thinking about everyone else besides myself” and to some extent I still do, but this time it’s different. I’m truly on my own this time. I am in control of my own destiny, my own decisions, and how things can go.

Hi, welcome to this month’s installment of:

voiceless rant

A lot is happening; a good type of “a lot”, and I believe it’s because I’m finally doing things the way I want to do them. No more worrying about what others may think, no more thinking my decisions are always wrong; no more feeling shameful or guilty for doing what’s best for me. I promised myself that this year would be the year that I said yes to the things that once scared me or made me second guess myself. I decided to go to my very first Kpop concert in the city by myself, I had my appointment with the bariatrics specialist, I might be making a trip to Florida to see my college friend; even the minor things that are happening within my life are happening because I chose for them to happen. Of course, that doesn’t exclude the things that are out of my control, but I least have a say in how to let certain things in my life affect the way I live it.

I’m simply learning how to be on my own after being emotionally dependent on everyone around me. For years, the opinions of friends, lovers, family, and even strangers affected the way I perceived myself and the way I made decisions for myself. Now, I’m not saying that people put a gun to my head and forced me to see things their way, I always had a mind of my own, but the opinions of others influenced the way I saw myself. For example, people saw me as the happy, bubbly, outgoing one when I was younger, so when I started to become depressed, more irritated at times, and experience social anxiety, I couldn’t accept myself for simply being human because I felt like I had to live up to the expectations of everyone in my life. After a while, (and I mean years of doing shit like this), I simply found myself being tugged in two different directions. One way, I was trying to meet the expectations of everyone in my life while my declining mental health and the need to start taking care of myself was tugging me the other way. It was a battle I was never going to win, in all honestly.

Were some of my actions during this time in my life toxic to those around me? Most definitely. Did I hurt people along the way? Absolutely. Could I have done things differently? To some extent, sure. And it’s these things that I’m still trying to reflect about myself and try to come out of it a better person. Maybe some of the people I hurt I didn’t deserve at this point in time. Maybe I needed this time of self-reflection and reconstruction to learn how to take care of yourself and take care of others in a healthy way, without neglecting my own needs, without losing myself in the process.

So these things like going out to a concert by myself, going to the bariatrics doctor by myself, and making every other decision by myself because I want to and not have people judge me or tell me otherwise is simply just some of the results coming from practicing self-awareness, self-confidence, and self-respect. I’m going to do what I feel like is best for me at this moment because isn’t that what matters the most? Living in the present? Being present? Taking life for what it is at this moment? Why dwell on the past and why worry about the future so much? If I’m not happy with the version of myself I am now, how do you expect me to be happy in the future and grow?

Listen, Ms. RuPaul once said, “if you don’t love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love somebody else?”

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Self-Appreciation Saturdays

SAS: Forgiveness isn’t a Decision, It’s a Process of Changed Behavior. (2/1/19)

liz

self-appreciation saturday

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

So, my 2020 is about me making lifestyle changes and learning about forgiveness. I figured, “new decade, new me”, right? So, as a “resolution” for this new year, I’m learning how to forgive myself, my past, and the people involved in it so in honor of that here’s the first SAS of 2020 speaking about a couple of things I’ve learned during this process.

At the very beginning of the year, I went to my weekly therapy session and brought up the want to forgive and truly move on from my past and the past versions of myself. As I said in the post The Year of Forgiveness, I wanted to stop carrying the baggage I seem to never let go and was just tired of allowing it to affect my life to this day. So, with the help of therapy and talking everything out about my past to her, I’m learning just how difficult this goal of mine is going to be to achieve.

The thing is it’s so easy to “forgive and forget.” I honestly don’t know why that saying exists; do you ever find yourself forgiving something and then forgetting about it? I didn’t think so. The thing about forgiving someone, yourself, a situation, whatever; it’s that it takes a lot of pride, ego, acceptance, and moving on to truly forgive. If anything, it’s truly easier said than done; an actual saying that speaks facts! 

A couple of things I had to think about what was I really seeking for; is it strictly closure, is it acceptance of what happened, was it to undo my wrongs and let those in my past back in my life? If it was strictly closure, then I needed to go on this forgiveness journey on my own, allowing myself to accept that those involved are not involved in this process. I had to really think about what closure meant to me in the first place. Something in me thought that closure meant confronting my demons head-on, challenging myself and speaking to the ones I left without warning. After speaking to my therapist and truly understanding what I wanted versus what I needed, I realized that I wanted closure from these events and people, but I didn’t need to bring them back in my life to do it. This was a thing I needed to do on my own, not with the people who may have opinions of their own and feelings of their own. The past is the past, I don’t need their input for my own personal forgiveness and closure, and that’s just that.

So, why am I making this a big deal? Can’t I just say “hey, I forgive myself and I take responsibility for my actions” and call it a day? Sure, but it doesn’t work like that. There’s a lot of work behind truly forgiving yourself and moving forward from it. From witnessing other people and experiencing it on my own, I see that when people say they are over the past and ready to move on and whatever, there is still bitterness, a grudge even, behind that sentence. In other words, we put on this facade that we’re doing good and nothing is holding us back but behind closed doors, we still allow it to affect us. I’m yearning for the type of forgiveness that I honestly move forward from, not allowing it to affect my day-to-day life.

So, forgiveness is truly about changed behavior. How do we remove the grudge and replace it with forgiveness? How do we see ourselves in a more positive light? How do we truly take in what happened in the past and take responsibility for it? Most importantly, how do we honor the people we once were and see our past selves as a necessary step towards growth instead of “a part of our true selves”? That last one is a hard one for me. For me, I’m constantly worried that the person who I was and the decisions and things I made/did are my true colors and that it can come back at any moment. I have this fear that the things I did in the past are just some of my true colors, and I’m just truly this bad person trying to be a good one. This is one of the reasons how I let my past affect my life; I was constantly reminded of the mistakes and the decisions I made back then, and to some extent, I never forgave myself for the things I did. So, the biggest task I have on my hands is how to forgive, accept, even embrace the person I was and separate that from who I am now; I am not teenage Liz anymore and I have grown and learned from experience. Of course, even saying that is easier said than done.

It’s going to take a while to do, but it’s honestly something that everyone should do at one point in their life. Of course, some things and some people are “unforgivable”, but you don’t need to carry it around for your entire life. Let it go and forgive those things for yourself, not anyone else. You deserve a clean slate.

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Monthly Favorites

January 2020 Highlights & Favorites!

liz

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Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

How are we already ending the first month of 2020? Time truly flies by! How did everyone’s month go? Whether it was good or not, you have 11 months to make this year even bigger and better, so don’t give up!

January is always one of my favorite months, mostly because it’s my birthday month, but besides that – January always gives me hope and motivated to make moves that make my year worthwhile. So, with that being said – here are some of the things that happened and discovered during this first month of 2020!

Highlights:

1.) I turned 26!

January means that it’s my birthday, and this year I turned 26! It’s truly insane to believe that I’m closer to 30 now than 20, and I’m scared. Nevertheless, I celebrated in the calmest way possible: I worked. Last year, all I did for my birthday was go to therapy and stayed cooped up on my house, so I was happy to at least be around people that I adore and being productive at my job! It was the first time in a couple of years that I got multiple text messages from people wishing me a happy birthday, which was a surprise because I’m truly not the most social person on this planet! Even so, the people who mattered wished me a happy birthday, and I felt truly loved on my day. After my day at work, I came home to a couple of lovely balloons and a “birthday princess” pin, which honestly it’s the little things that make me feel so good. It was a great birthday, and it left me excited to see what 26 has in store for me!

2.) I went to my first ever KPop Concert!

Man, was this a night to remember! To treat myself for my birthday, I bought a ticket to go to my first ever KPop concert! Never in a million years did I think I would go to a KPop concert, let alone for in my hometown, but I’m so glad I got the opportunity to see ITZY live in concert. ITZY is a five-member girl group under JYP Entertainment; they are TWICE’S juniors and are considered monster rookies. Although they are pretty popular in South Korea, they are still new (they debuted only a new year), and their full fandom potential has not even reached its peak. This would probably be the only time I will get to see them live before they explode in popularity, so I couldn’t miss the opportunity! It’s definitely is a highlight of my 2020 already!

Favorites:

1.) VICTON

Another month, another Kpop group ya girl stans hard. So here’s some backstory: earlier this month, my literal heart broke in a million pieces when it was revealed that my ultimate favorite group, X1, officially disbanded due to their agencies being unable to compromise their activities after the whole Mnet Produce Series manipulation thing that was exposed after Produce X 101 wrapped up. While K-OneIts and International OneIts are trying to fight for the boys to get back together and given one more chance, I’ve been trying to at least stan another boy group that I was interested in while watching PDX101.

You see, Seungwoo, the leader and main vocalist of X1, already debuted prior to PDX101. Many debuted idols participate in this show because typically the groups that they are in are not doing well and want another chance at debuting while giving more exposure to their groups. Both Seungwoo and Byungchan participated in PDX101 and ultimately Seungwoo got to debut in X1. Seungwoo (before Seungyoun waltz in and took my breath away) was my bias in the group, and while trying to get to know him as an idol back in the summer, I began to watch and listen to VICTON, and slowly but surely, I became obsessed with them. It took me a while to get into their music and it wasn’t until recently since I started to stan them even harder than before. Although the future of Seungwoo is undetermined as of right now (which I hope isn’t for too long), if X1 truly stays disbanded, he is most likely to return to VICTON. As a six-member group right now, VICTON is doing extremely well and getting the recognition they deserve! They came back with “nostalgic night” back in November and got their very first win on a music show, which was bittersweet to see that the boys got that feeling of winning an award after having been a group for 3 years now.

As of right now, my favorite song of theirs was actually in their debut album, “Voice to New World“, and it’s called “The Chemistry“. It’s such an upbeat, feel-good song that has been on repeat for WEEKS. I’m excited to see the future of VICTON and where they go, as well as Seungwoo’s return.

Stan VICTON, y’all.

2.) Girl in Pieces by Kathleen Glasgow

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Although I finished this book a couple of days before the new year, I wanted to include this in a favorites post because it was just so fucking good. This novel is about a 17-year-girl named Charlie, who finds her way into a psych ward after self-harming her body excessively and once she is released from the hospital’s care, she’s now on her own trying to figure out how to live her life with her demons, regrets, memories, and the pain she constantly feels. She moves to Arizona for a new start with one of her good friends, Mikey, but finds herself tangled in the web of Riley West, a musical genius but a total fuck up, and she finds herself going down a path one too familiar to the one she was on. The thing is, she wants to change her life, she cuts herself to mask the pain, not to kill herself. And that right there speaks volumes. Of course, cutting isn’t a healthy way to gain control of your life and to mask your emotional pain, but cutting doesn’t always mean someone is suicidal. I was that type of cutter when I was a teenager, and it’s so important that there is a story being told that explains that side of self-harming, but it’s not attention-seeking, it’s not a sign of wanting to die, and as the author says it, “it means you are struggling to get out of a very dangerous mess in your mind and heart and this is your coping mechanism. It means that you occupy a small space in the very real and very large canyon of people who suffer from depression or mental illness.”

And that’s pretty much it! Here’s to another month of highlights, favorites, obsessions – whatever you want to call it!

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Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: My Decision of Sexual Abstinence/Celibacy.

liz

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Ten years ago, I lost my virginity. I was 16.

While being a teenager, and even being in my early twenties, I was very sexually active in my past relationship. I was quite confident when it came to my sexuality; it allowed me to become anyone I wanted to be, and that was the fun part of sex. You get worked up, you become this dominant sex kitten, and just have sex with someone you trust and honor with your body.

But then, something in me changed and ultimately stopped wanting to have sex.

Hi, my name is Liz, and I do not want to have sex with you.

I wanted to talk about this because I feel this is something I always mention in posts and say one day I’ll talk about; well today is that day. 

Let me put this disclaimer out there before anyone speculates otherwise: my decision to sexual abstinence isn’t because something horrible happened in my last relationship. In no way am I traumatized with sex, it’s just become something I’m not looking for, nor want in a really long time because, well, sex has become just another thing that I do not want in my life at this point.

This choice was a personal one, not because I’m now this single 26-year-old woman with no game, but because my preferences and sexuality have been questioned for quite some time. 

I started to feel this lack of wanting sex for over a year; sex was still fun on some occasions, but it used to take forever for me to finally get past the initial start of it. I was still enjoying it, but it started to become less and less fun for me because I started to feel repulsive about it. I didn’t know what was wrong with me; it was now becoming this thing that I started to get anxious about to the point that I even had anxiety attacks prior to having sex. It was a weird feeling and talking about this with the people who mattered was even harder to do.

When things got complicated and months passed by, I had to re-evaluate my thoughts and feelings and my behavior on the matter and well, a lot of things came from it.

I figured that I was a demiromantic. I found myself still being romantically attracted to people that I had deep connections with, and I knew I was still sexually attracted to guys but it still didn’t mean that I wanted to have sex with them. I realized that my relationship with sex needed some repair; that my mindset and my outlook on it needed some work in order to feel confident and willing to want to have it in the future. For a while, I thought maybe I was just strictly asexual, but it was just a label that didn’t completely right with me, because… I mean, I still feel things when looking at hot guys and by hot guys I mean Korean idols, but I just don’t want to have sex with anyone I don’t know!

It was just a decision that felt right for me at this moment. I just want to build meaningful platonic relationships with people, secretly admire cute guys from afar and want nothing from them, just living my damn life the way I want to, and that just doesn’t involve sex right now. I have work to do when it comes to accepting and embracing sex again and eventually I will! Right now, this is just my decision in life and I’m content with it.

At first, it was something I was quite ashamed of. It felt like something was wrong with me, I was feeling the same type of things that most sexually-traumatized people feel, yet  I wasn’t. It just felt like feeling the way I felt wasn’t normal, and for the longest time, I tried to ignore the feelings I was feeling. After accepting this was just the way I am as of now and started talking about it more with my therapist, I’m glad that I did.

I hope that other people who may feel the way that I do start to embrace this and not see it as a negative thing. It’s just one thing that I discovered about myself and it’s just the wave of life!

So yeah! I’ll talk to you, maybe laugh at your silly jokes, connect with you on a deeper level, but I’m not having sex with you. 

*Maureen from RENT’s voice* Take me for what I am!

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Topic Tuesdays: Raw & Personal

I Stopped Taking Birth Control Because of my Mental Health.

liz

Dear, guys – welcome to Letters From Liz!

One thing I promised myself to do this year is to discuss some real ass shit on the blog without any boundaries, so here we are, coming back on the blog, talking about the most taboo thing no one likes to openly talk about: birth control.

So, I started to take birth control later in my twenties; it was a very stupid thing to wait so long to get on it after years of, you know, but as I was getting older, wiser, smarter, whatever – I started to take birth control. At first, I was beyond scared to miss taking pills to the point that I used to set an alarm to take it with my anxiety medication. I was funny y’all. The months passed by, the periods became something more manageable, I wasn’t too nervous about being late on my period during the stressful times in my life, and well, birth control was just something routine in my life that many people take in their everyday lives.

But, I started to realize something about my behavior and my mind when I was on birth control.

Photo Credit: Refinery29

To give some background on birth control (sex education, y’all), you typically take one pill daily; 28 pills come in a pack because on average, your period cycle is approximately 28 days. The first three rows, or “weeks”, are the actual hormonal pill, the pills have estrogen in them to help do all the funky stuff in your reproduction system. It’s called birth control because it helps control the egg from dropping during ovulation, which prevents you from getting pregnant. Other uses for birth control is to regulate your period cycle for people who have irregular, heavy periods, and for people who have other reproduction system issues. Finally, the fourth row, or a week, is the placebo pill, “sugar pill”, which in certain prescriptions excludes that row, simply because it’s a pill that has nothing inside of it; it’s just a pill to keep yourself on track with and remind you to keep taking your pills.

I was on birth control for almost 2 years before I decided to stop taking it. I stopped taking it for several reasons at first; for starters, I was now not having sex anymore and decided to not want to have sex anymore for personal reasons and for the simple fact that at this time in my life, sex is just not for me. Because I mainly started to use it because I was sexually active, I felt that because I was using it for that main purpose, it felt like I was just taking the pill to take the pill despite me feeling how I felt whenever I was on the pill.

I ultimately ditched birth control after I realized that the longer I was on it, the more depressed I was feeling, to the point where suicidal thoughts come here and there on the months where I was at my lowest. Now, don’t get me wrong, my mental health goes up and down all the time; with major depression, there are parts of my life where I’m not the greatest, but the type of depression I felt when I was on birth control was some of the worst depression I’ve experienced in my life. I would be depressed for half of the month, and only feel like myself whenever I was on the placebo week of my birth control.

But Liz, how did you know it was the birth control and not just the depression? Well, at first I didn’t. It wasn’t until I did some research on birth control and depression and even some experimenting to realize that birth control was just something that contributed to my poor mental health.

I started to see the change in my behavior and my mood when I stopped taking it. I saw that my depression on my lowest days wasn’t as severe or unmanageable as it was while being on the pill. I also realized that I’ve been more of myself for more of the month rather than the opposite, sure the PMS still lives on and I sometimes just need my me time, but I haven’t been at the point where I’m unmotivated, uninspired, unable to get out of bed and be productive. Possibly other things contribute to that now, but I realize I don’t bring myself down or degrade myself as a person as much as I did while being on the pill.

I’ve been off the pill for a couple of weeks now and I can honestly say I’m so happy to be off of it.

I’m not saying birth control doesn’t have its perks;  it helps millions of people get through their cycles and their reproductive issues and I’m grateful to live in the time when resources like birth control and other forms of contraceptive prevention available although they should be more widely and universally available; that’s another argument for another day.

I’m also thankful that I’m not tied down to taking birth control. Again, preventing pregnancy was the main reason I was taking the pill, but now that I’m not sexually active, there are more cons for me to continue taking it rather than pros.

I recommend every to talk to their doctor about taking birth control and please let them know the effects that birth control causes! There are other forms that may be more suitable and right for you! Ask your doctor to discuss the pros and cons of birth control, and don’t just jump into it just because “you’re a ‘woman’ who should be on it.” If you suffer from clinical depression, ask your doctor and let them know your concerns about your mental health while being on the pill. These are literal hormones you are putting in your body, which will chemically inbalance everything else in your system!

Of course in the future, I will be back on it if I’m truly trying to live that no kids’ life, but as of right now, this is the best decision I can make for me and my mental health.

And please, let’s remove the taboo-ness of talking about birth control. It’s life, no matter what people may think.

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LFL's Anniversary Blogging Celebration!

Happy 3rd Birthday, LFL! 🎂

liz

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Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

First and foremost, I would like to thank everyone for tuning in for the last nine days in celebration of the blog turning 3! It’s insane to see that almost 400 posts later, we are still here, writing content, still loving what we do, and finding even my own inner peace by writing for this blog.

Seriously, guys – thank you.

I know the community is small, and there aren’t that many of you out there, but honestly, that doesn’t mean anything to me. This blog was created in order to get my thoughts and words out there and to continue doing something that I’m passionate about when times got busy and life just happened. If you’ve been here before the name change (TNTH), then you know how we got here; I started this blog during my grad school career to keep my creativity outlet going in the gist of academia. Getting inspiration through our writers on the internet, I decided that on my 23rd birthday, I would launch my blog into the world. Although it’s scary, and due to the very personal voice I use on this blog I’ve upset some people in my life; I still don’t regret anything I wrote and will write for the blog. This is me in my purest form; I was meant to write and will continue doing so for the rest of my life, now we just have to find a job where I can get paid for writing like this, but we’ll get there eventually!

In other news, I’m now 26. I’ve officially crossed over to the “closer to 30” mark, and I’m freaking out! Of course, I am so grateful for being able to live this long; 8 years ago, I didn’t see my future, let alone 26! I’m thankful for seeing another year and to get another opportunity to learn, grow, and prosper. Also, my favorite number for some odd reason has always been 26, so maybe that’s a good sign that this year will be unforgettable!

I hope to do things at 26 that I never have done before: travel, go out and socialize more, meet some new people, eat healthier! Although 26 is still some way to 30, I genuinely do feel that 26 is the beginning of an even better chapter of my life, and I’m excited to continue to work myself to make these things happen for myself. 23 was bad, 24 was even worse, 25 was a bit better but still a struggle, and now I hope at 26, I find some peace and happiness and courage.

So that’s that! The LFL Anniversary celebration has officially ended! Like every year, we will go on a mini-hiatus for a week to just sit back, relax, and gather some ideas for future letters. We will be back on schedule on Tuesday, January 21st @ 12 noon!

Here’s to another year of LFL, and here’s to another year of life!

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LFL's Anniversary Blogging Celebration!

25 Things That Happened/I Learned While Being 25.

liz

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Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

These posts are some of my favorite to write, just because this post is pretty much what started the blog in the first place, but it does allow me to reflect on the many things I’ve done and learned right before a new year starts. Last year, we did twenty-four, and now it’s time to say goodbye to one of the best years I think I had in a really long time, twenty-five.

Continue reading “25 Things That Happened/I Learned While Being 25.” →

LFL's Anniversary Blogging Celebration!

What 26 Was Gonna Be Like, As Told by a *Naïve* 22-Year-Old.

liz

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Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

So, here’s a funny story.

When I was younger, and not that much younger but seriously YOUNGER, ya girl had plans. You see, I was 22-years-old, in 2016, living the best life I could possibly live, making plans for my future like some big, ambitious hot-shot. I was wrapping up college, I was going to grad school right after, I was in a serious relationship, and I was trying to think where I wanted to be by the time I turned 26.

I told myself the following:

  • First and foremost, I expected to have a working career, even though I never had a job in my life at the time. I thought by the time I turned 24 and graduated with a master’s degree, employers were going to crawl to me and beg me to work for them, and just instantly get a career that I loved. At the time, I wanted to do screenwriting, which I planned that with film school hopefully in the works, I’d be making films and all that jazz. Yep, living the dream.
  • I also wanted to get engaged by the time I was 26. In my mind, 26 seemed like the right age to make such a major decision like that, that I was so ready to settle down and marry the man of my dreams; which I guessed could’ve happened because the relationship was a serious one, but still – I thought I would’ve been engaged by then. If I got engaged before that, like from 23 to 25, then I wanted to be married by the time I was 26. In this relationship, I was in that mindset that I was ready to settle down with the man I was with, so I just thought that 26 was a good age to do so.
  • When I was so in love with that relationship, I had thoughts about even having children by the time I was 26. I didn’t want kids at first but discussing things like that with my former partner, it was something that I wouldn’t mind happening with that man. I was crazy in love, indeed. Again, it was in reference to my mother and how life was planned out for her; she had my sister when she was 25, and to my 22-year-old mind, I thought that was mature and an adult-like age to do things like that.
  • I also thought I’d be out of my mother’s place, possibly living with my then-partner or with a roommate or something. Then again, I thought that I was capable of moving out when I was 18, but man was I fooled! At 22, I just thought that 26 was still “too old” to be living in the same roof as my family, whether or not the rent was (and still is) stupid high.

Being at 25, I realize how ridiculous and high these expectations were for me. Of course, always aim high, but at 22, I didn’t realize just how much more growing up I needed to do. Of course, at 22 I didn’t know where exactly I’d be when I celebrate my 26th birthday, but it’s nowhere even close to where I thought it was going to be. At 25, I’m single, I don’t have anyone sliding in the DMs nor do I want anyone doing so, I know I don’t want to have kids and accepted that, and marriage is something I don’t see myself being in even in the next 4 years of my twenties. At 25, I learned a lot about life since I made those plans. Also, life just happens, and sometimes the things you work for just don’t happen for you and instead bring you other opportunities to discover things that feel more like you. Although I didn’t go to film school, I found my passions in writing flourish through rhetoric and writing composition, which lead me to the place and path I’m on now! Although I didn’t get engaged, married, or had a kid (THANK GOD), I found out that some of the things that I thought I wanted were not things I wanted for me as a person, but for me as a person who was in a relationship. And lastly, although I don’t live in my own place, I still have money to do the things I want to do like travel and explore the world; just living my damn 20’s!

So, this is how I’m truly entering my 26th year:

  • I work at my old college’s bookstore and I love it. I get to help college students get their textbooks as smooth and efficient as possible, which is just the start of my mission towards my career. I plan to stay in academia, maybe teach one day, but I truly become an academic advisor! Although I don’t have the experience to do so (yet), just working at a college is a good start. I also really like my job.
  • I’m not in a relationship anymore, which means all the relationship things I planned didn’t happen, and I’m perfectly fine by that. People just outgrow each other, and sometimes things just don’t work out. Since being out of the relationship, I’ve had the time to focus my energy on myself, which gives me a better understanding of who I am, what I want, and where I’d like to be. As of right now, I don’t want to enter a new relationship; I just want to get to know myself, travel, live my life, and challenge myself to new and better things in life.
  • I live at home because the rent is expensive and I’m just starting my life. I just started to make my own money, and I still have so many things to do because I get a place and have to spend my money on bills and such. I’m not ready for all of that, and that’s fine! Living in NYC is hard on your own, and I know I’m just not ready to try to be a complete adult and live on my own. The time will come, but it ain’t coming anytime soon.
  • I’m planning to go on my first airborne trip! This would be my first time ever on an airplane, and it would be to Florida to see Tori, one of my closest friends in my life. She moved to Florida last summer, and I’ve told myself that when she settles into a place with her fiancee and her dog, Sasha, I was going to visit her. We’re hoping for a March trip, so hopefully, the blog will be getting a travel diary within a couple of months!

There’s still so much life I feel like I need to live before I do any of those “plans” I had planned for myself. I’m not sad, nor upset that my life didn’t go as planned, it happens and everything happens for a reason. So here I am, 25 and 2 days away from 26, living my life the way it was planned out for me, by me, as I got older.

At least 22 was optimistic… too optimistic.

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Creative Pieces, LFL's Anniversary Blogging Celebration!

Crying in the Shower: A Midnight Poem.

liz

Screenshot 2017-12-27 at 11.25.03 PM

Crying in the shower

Steam fills the small room,
as water falls and hits the bottom of your tub,
just loud enough to soundproof
the cries in your throat
that you’ve built inside for weeks.
The hot water
flushes your skin
so the redness on your face
isn’t detected by others.
It seems like the world flashes backward
how life was carefree and meaningful
how you once had a boy love you,
how you found happiness in friendships
how tranquillity was the one thing you always wanted,
and for a brief moment, you had it.
But now the shower knobs are being twisted,
a towel is being thrown on the rack,
clothes are falling to the floor until there’s nothing left but your exposed body,
just waiting to be sent back to reality
by
running
water.
You cry to the point where you hiccup
wiping hot tears and hot water
running down your face.
You take a deep breath
open your puffy eyes
stand there until the steam
covers the mirror so you don’t
stare back at the mess you call yourself.
And it’s like nothing happened;
the sadness was never there
the memories of a familiar you disappeared
the person you love is still just a fragment of your past,
you open the bathroom door
and cool air
hits your skin
the same way reality hits us.
So we act like the tears in our shower
Never appeared
until next time.
—————————————–

This was a poem I wrote before a midnight shower. TMI, but I was just sitting on the edge of the tub, naked, typing away on the notes on my phone. While writing this, I was reflecting back on the negatives that the year had brought me; I was still (am) dealing with the breakup of my last relationship, I felt like the friendships and connections I made with people were not genuine (with isn’t true, SAD tries to tell me no one truly likes me) and I was thinking about the wrongdoings from the last decade. With this mindset, I also wrote The Year of Forgiveness and it’s become one of my major 2020 resolutions. Also, I’m getting back to writing poetry every now and then without judging how “good” I am. When I was a teenager, I was told I wasn’t a good poet, and because of that, I stopped writing poetry altogether. Just recently, I picked it up again just to get my thoughts out in a more personal, artistic way, of course – without judging whether it’s good or not. So, here is one of many more to come.

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