Ten years ago, I lost my virginity. I was 16.
While being a teenager, and even being in my early twenties, I was very sexually active in my past relationship. I was quite confident when it came to my sexuality; it allowed me to become anyone I wanted to be, and that was the fun part of sex. You get worked up, you become this dominant sex kitten, and just have sex with someone you trust and honor with your body.
But then, something in me changed and ultimately stopped wanting to have sex.
Hi, my name is Liz, and I do not want to have sex with you.
I wanted to talk about this because I feel this is something I always mention in posts and say one day I’ll talk about; well today is that day.
Let me put this disclaimer out there before anyone speculates otherwise: my decision to sexual abstinence isn’t because something horrible happened in my last relationship. In no way am I traumatized with sex, it’s just become something I’m not looking for, nor want in a really long time because, well, sex has become just another thing that I do not want in my life at this point.
This choice was a personal one, not because I’m now this single 26-year-old woman with no game, but because my preferences and sexuality have been questioned for quite some time.
I started to feel this lack of wanting sex for over a year; sex was still fun on some occasions, but it used to take forever for me to finally get past the initial start of it. I was still enjoying it, but it started to become less and less fun for me because I started to feel repulsive about it. I didn’t know what was wrong with me; it was now becoming this thing that I started to get anxious about to the point that I even had anxiety attacks prior to having sex. It was a weird feeling and talking about this with the people who mattered was even harder to do.
When things got complicated and months passed by, I had to re-evaluate my thoughts and feelings and my behavior on the matter and well, a lot of things came from it.
I figured that I was a demiromantic. I found myself still being romantically attracted to people that I had deep connections with, and I knew I was still sexually attracted to guys but it still didn’t mean that I wanted to have sex with them. I realized that my relationship with sex needed some repair; that my mindset and my outlook on it needed some work in order to feel confident and willing to want to have it in the future. For a while, I thought maybe I was just strictly asexual, but it was just a label that didn’t completely right with me, because… I mean, I still feel things when looking at hot guys and by hot guys I mean Korean idols, but I just don’t want to have sex with anyone I don’t know!
It was just a decision that felt right for me at this moment. I just want to build meaningful platonic relationships with people, secretly admire cute guys from afar and want nothing from them, just living my damn life the way I want to, and that just doesn’t involve sex right now. I have work to do when it comes to accepting and embracing sex again and eventually I will! Right now, this is just my decision in life and I’m content with it.
At first, it was something I was quite ashamed of. It felt like something was wrong with me, I was feeling the same type of things that most sexually-traumatized people feel, yet I wasn’t. It just felt like feeling the way I felt wasn’t normal, and for the longest time, I tried to ignore the feelings I was feeling. After accepting this was just the way I am as of now and started talking about it more with my therapist, I’m glad that I did.
I hope that other people who may feel the way that I do start to embrace this and not see it as a negative thing. It’s just one thing that I discovered about myself and it’s just the wave of life!
So yeah! I’ll talk to you, maybe laugh at your silly jokes, connect with you on a deeper level, but I’m not having sex with you.
*Maureen from RENT’s voice* Take me for what I am!
Letters From Liz. 