Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

So, a year ago on this day, my first ever ult group debuted. They were called X1.

X1, for those who may not know, was a project group for the PDX101 season where the top 11 contestants would get the chance to debut in a group. In age order, the members were Seungwoo, Seungyoun, Wooseok, Yohan, Hangyul, Junho, Dongpyo, Minhee, Eunsang, Hyeongjun, and Dohyon. Their first mini album, Quantum Leap, was one of the most successful rookie debuts within 4th generation Kpop.

I very much followed their debut because I followed the survival show since the beginning; I knew some of these boys would be in the group since the very beginning; they just had the certain look and energy of a kpop idol. Others were a complete surprise but so deserving of their rankings! I instantly fell in love with them because I really liked every member that debuted in this group! They had amazing chemistry together even before they debuted, and I’m a sucker for a group with amazing chemistry.

When they came out with their debut mini album, there was already this dark cloud over them; people were speculating that the voting system was rigged. But nevertheless, X1 debuted, they sold out their debut showcase concert, and they sold I believe 500,000 copies within the first week? It was something along those lines.

For two months, they promoted and went to several events and even when we thought things were getting better for X1, the media was not giving them a break. After being silent for most of the last month of 2019, it was then announced that they are disbanding in January 2020. It was definitely a sad day for X1, One-Its, and everyone that worked on and with this project group. I know that I was heartbroken that this happened.

A couple of months later, and the members of X1 are now doing things within their companies: Seungwoo returned to VICTON and made his solo debut, Seungyoun made his solo debut (comeback?) as WOODZ, Wooseok also made his solo debut, Yohan has been in the public eye and just released a solo single, Hangyul and Dohyon made their debut as a unit called H&D, Minhee and Hyeongjun debuted in CRAVITY, Eunsang is making his solo debut, and the other members are still trainees in hopes to make their debuts soon. Nevertheless, they are all doing their own things in this industry and I couldn’t be more proud of them.

I will always have a special place in my heart for X1. Their album was my first ever Kpop album that I bought, they were the first group I ulted, and during the short time of their activities, their music and their presence helped me get through some of the toughest parts of my life at the end of 2019. They were amazing, they were precious, and I know that if they were still promoting, they would’ve been possibly one of the biggest boy groups right now because– I MEAN THEY BROKE INSANE RECORDS Y’ALL AS ROOKIES– but, they all seem to be extremely happy being where they are now and I’m glad most of them are present and active in the community. Plus, I mean if X1’s disbandment didn’t break my heart, I don’t think I would’ve gotten into VICTON and become such fucking trash for them!

Happy 1-Year Anniversary, X1. We will always love & support you, even if you are not together as one anymore.

Yours Truly, A One-It. ❤

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

Today’s post has a very Overexposed vibe to it. I wanted to talk about something that’s been on my mind for awhile now. I never came to terms with this just because I was still defining who was and what it was that I really wanted out of life. Well, in November I shared that I’m demiromantic, and it’s been a very important part of my identity and I’ve made it very apparent what my intentions were in new friendships. Because of this blurred line of friendships and romantic relationships, I learned how to set boundaries with anyone new that enters my life. I can romantically love my friends, but because of the boundaries I’ve set for myself and for the people in these newfound friendships, I’m able to be open about my romantic attraction but know to keep things healthy and friendly. Like I’ve mentioned a million times before, I will not have sex with you.

I say that, and yeah, perhaps it comes off as a joke because like, haha love your friends but don’t have sex with them, but I actually mean it. Actually, I mean it as an indefinite thing.

It’s been a year since I had sex, but even before becoming celibate, I used to get really panicky whenever sexual intimacy was suggested in my last relationship, I started to get really insecure and repulsive to the thought of me having sex, and it was something I just didn’t want to have anymore. Let me disclosed that I don’t have sexual abuse trauma, it was simply something that changed in me.

When my relationship ended, I didn’t miss being sexually intimate with someone I loved. I didn’t miss the act of having it, I feeling behind it; literally sex rarely came to mind. Sure, there were qualities in people that turned me on, but it never went anywhere and I realized a lot of my turn-ons weren’t sexually driven, they were… energy driven? In the most explicit ways, yeah: the same sex can have an amazing energy and it will have me intrigued.

Within the last year, I’ve met a couple of people of the same sex that I really vibe with well. It was confusing at first because I started to get– in a sense– a liking to them in the same way most people find in potential partners for romantic relationships. I loved them to pieces and I love them just as much as I would do a romantic partner because of the deep connections I have with them, but I’m not sexually attracted to girls. I also found myself gaining that same type of love for those who were not straight and whose who don’t romantically or sexually like women, but I still felt them. TLDR, I really can experience a deep love for someone no matter who they are or how they identify themselves. I just love them for them. That’s when I figured that I was possibly demi. I was still sexually attracted to guys and found guys sexy, but it still didn’t feel right to me. It wasn’t a “I’d have sex with him” thought, it was more so “you’re attractive, but I’m feeling your vibe, so can I get to know you and hopefully whatever this becomes doesn’t lead to sex because I can’t imagine myself having sex for awhile.” I just wanted some good friendships that felt mutually about me as I do them while keeping boundaries to respect each other in the friendship.

But even in the friendships I’ve made with people within the last year has made me realize I am at my happiest when I’m talking to people I care about, that care about me, and allow me to be my complete myself without any judgment. I am at my happiest when I remind my friends that I love them and that I’m immensely grateful for their presence in my life. I am at my happiest when I can just express myself without any seek of approval from friends; they take me in as much as I take them in. Simplicity, after most of my life making things complicated.

I don’t know if my future relationships will change this; perhaps my asexuality is something that bests defines me in this moment, whereas my demiromanticism is something I’ve felt almost in every friendship I had in my life… even if demiromantic/sexual falls under the asexual umbrella. At the end of the day, I live my life in the gray, because nothing defines me and I don’t define any label. I’m just… me.

Asexuality is different for everyone, and my asexuality also does not mean that I look down on sex completely. Listen, have all the sex you want, like go ahead and get your freak on, but it’s just not for me. I repulse myself having sex, not the idea of sex.

So, here I am, coming to terms that for awhile I’ve fallen under the asexual umbrella, and even coming to this realization, nothing has really changed. I’m just valuing the friendships I have in my life and the simplicity of just experiencing love on a platonic level.

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

So, in this process of my self-discovery, I’ve deemed the fact that I am a Kpop collector. I like to collect albums of groups that I’m really into, I like collecting photocards (PCs) for my favorite members in those groups, and I’m a part of the collection/trading community; something I never imagined being in. It’s taken me awhile to fully accept the fact that this is something that makes me happy and I’ve met some amazing friends along the process, so yeah – I’m a kpop collector.

It’s definitely been an experience learning about this community in the past couple of months. There’s things I never knew could happen in this community and things that I absolutely adore, but there’s also been things that I wish I could avoid being in this community, but I mean not everything in a community will be positive. But before I start talking about my thoughts on being a collector, let me tell you guys how I got to this place…

Back in February, I started to become an album collector of Victon’s. They were raising on my ultimate bias group list and I really just wanted to collect their albums. In a sense, I’ve always been an album collector; when I was younger collected most of Kelly Clarkson’s albums and, well, I guess that quality in me carried over in Kpop. My collecting was small, but I definitely looked into the kpop community as an outsider and felt like one too; I didn’t have mutual friends that were interested in kpop, and I always had some interest in collecting photocards… just not as intensely as I do now, but that’s a different story for a different post!

What got me collecting was my growing love for Victon’s Seungsik and also the lack of Seungwoo cards I had in my little collection. After their 6th mini album release, I had one card of each member throughout their discography besides Seungwoo. So, I went on eBay, saw that they were selling two photocards I really wanted to own and, well, the rest is history.

I then stared to silently collect photocards on my own time; I mostly bought them until I started to trade within the trading community. My moot, Ella, was the one that inspired me to make the trading/selling account to help finish with my collection and, I mean… my Seungsik album PC collection is complete because of the help of the trading community! Besides the trading and the selling aspect of the community, I’ve made some amazing friends a lot the way that are honestly some of the closest people in my life and I talk to everyday even if it’s not Kpop related.

Collecting, in general, should be something fun. Trading and making friendships with the community should be the best part of the collecting process, and for the most part, it is. But within the last couple of months of doing this, I’ve realized just how stressful keeping up a collection can be, especially if it’s for a popular member that everyone also is collecting. Sometimes, the hype and excitement around starting or maintaining a collection is based off of pure adrenaline and you just don’t think about how you’re going to collect all album photocards. I know that within in some of my collections, they weren’t fun to collect after a while; they became more of a race to see who can collect the fastest. I know I was also in that mentality for awhile when I first started to collect, but now it just seems so unnecessary and i just felt like I was contributing to the toxicity that comes with the community.

My collection, although it means so much to me and I’m grateful to have it, sometimes stresses me out. To upkeep a collection, it costs a ton of money; money that you feel guilty in spending because you feel like you should spend it towards other things that aren’t Kpop collecting related. It sometimes makes you think your life choices, what you should be doing instead of collecting, and makes you question why you got into this collecting in the first place.

I’m reminded every time I feel bad about my collection is that this is something that genuinely makes me happy. Having a collection of things that you worked hard for is extremely rewarding, and to have a hobby in collecting is what makes it fun. Once a collection doesn’t become fun anymore, then it’s time to let it go or stop collecting for that certain member or group. I know withn the last couple of weeks, I dropped some of my collection due to the stress of the upkeep and to let them go literally feels refreshing and light.

I don’t know how long ‘ll be a collector. I am one of the older collectors in the community and sometimes I feel myself not want to be so heavily involved in it but like, again, it makes me so happy when I make a trade for a card I really wanted or find a card for sale that I’ve been looking for; again it’s just the excitement of getting far into a collection as possible and looking at it and being proud of it! I know that as long as Victon is a group, I’ll be collecting their stuff, even if they ever decided to do some solo stuff like Seungwoo recently did with his solo debut album, “Fame”.

Collecting is not just obsessing over kpop and getting stupid little cards, it’s a hobby and it’s taken me a while to realize that fact. People genuinely collect as a way of coping with whatever they are dealing with; it’s their happy place and their favorite groups and idols are just some of the reasons they smile everyday. I’d be lying if I didn’t say Victon does the same for me. It’s something so fascinating to explain to other people because of course, not many will understand, but I think they would appreciate that everyone collects something in their lives and yours just happens to be Kpop stuff. It’s okay if it is!

So yeah, I’m Liz: writer by day, kpop collector by night.