I sometimes forget how fast a year can go by, especially when you’re… happy.
Perhaps I spent this year finding myself and getting to know who I am as person that made it fly by, but here we are, in August, realizing that it’s been a year since… well…
Hi, my name is Liz, and I’ve been celibate for a year.
It didn’t really dwell on me until recently thought about… well… the last time I had sex. It wasn’t like a concentrated thought of “damn, when was the last time ya girl got laid?!”, it was more so a thought about my sexuality that made me think wow… I’ve been celibate for a year and my wants and needs for sexual intimacy are still pretty much the same.
I spoke about my decision on celibacy awhile back, but the TLDR version is that basically, my intimacy wants became less sexual and more platonic over the last year. I’ve been building a hell of a lot of friendships this past year, and to finally have people I talk to on a daily basis and connect with interest-wise; I now value those friendships more than romantic ones. I’m allowed to be un-apologetically myself without any strings attached or things being difficult with romantic feelings being involved; it’s just… a friendship.
I decided on celibacy when I lost the want and need to have sex, in all honesty. I started to repulse the idea of having sex with someone else; I mean like, I don’t think of sex and just be like, “eww” – it’s more so the fact at going “eww, having sex with someone is not my thing at the moment.” I can’t picture myself having sex with another person for a really long time, and that’s completely fine. I don’t desire it, I don’t find the importance of having sex, and it’s just something at this given time that I’m uncomfortable with.
It doesn’t mean I stopped seeing things as sexy. You throw me a picture of any of the Victon members being sexy, I will think they are sexy! I mean, Seungwoo on the cover of Men’s Health Korea…
MY POINT BEING: I can still think things are sexy but not find it sexually attracting, or it doesn’t mean I see an attractive person and instantly want to know what it’s like to kiss them or have sex with them or have an instant sexual attraction to them. It just means that within my personal relationships in life, I’m not looking for sexual intimacy because I don’t want them, hence my decision for being celibate.
Although we are sexual beings and it’s just a part (and want) for most human beings, I found myself not thinking about sex or wanting it this past year. I feel like my focuses and energy are on much more important things that it’s just something I don’t dwell on. I honestly forget that I’m celibate and I only remember when I’m asked for the reasons why I stopped taking birth control.
So, in a nutshell: this year has been a breeze, but it does worry me for my future romantic relationships. Although in this given moment, I pretty much deem myself as asexual, I know that when the right one comes into my life, I’m going to want to share that intimacy with them. But how open would I be to having sex again? Will it just be something natural and pick back up again in a romantic relationship? Will I get anxiety attacks in the process of engaging in sex like I did prior to my celibacy? In other words, will I ever see sex has a fun, enjoyable thing you do with someone you are in love with and that loves you back?
I don’t know, and I guess I’m really ready to take those next steps into thinking what intimacy will look like in my future romantic relationships.
Intimacy, to me at this moment, is sharing hugs. It’s checking in on the people who you really care about. It’s reminding those who you love how much you love them and are grateful to have them in your life. It’s developing a connection that is timeless; one where even throughout the chances in each other’s lives that you still manage to be a part of it; no matter how far, or how long it’s been you got to see them (or even if you never them), the foundation of these friendships with people is strong enough and comfortable enough for you to be yourself in.
So, happy one year of my celibacy. I never thought I’d ever come to this place where I would be completely fine without that level of intimacy in my life. I mean, let’s be real, the longest time I ever been without sex was… possibly before I even started having it. So, this journey has been an interesting one to got through, considering this has been the longest I’ve been without sex and out of a relationship. Like, sis is out here doing her thang on her own!
But, I digress.
I’m curious to one day hear about other’s peoples reasoning for celibacy; possibly they found God or they just have a personal and unique experience behind their story. I simply became celibate because of my sexual orientation simply changing and morphing into the person I am now. I was straight & in a relationship, then demiromantic and started to see every gender & orientation romantically attractive, and now I’m feeling more at place being asexual & just connecting with good energies, no matter what they are.
And that’s just my story.