Author: liz

Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: My Decision of Sexual Abstinence/Celibacy.

liz

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Ten years ago, I lost my virginity. I was 16.

While being a teenager, and even being in my early twenties, I was very sexually active in my past relationship. I was quite confident when it came to my sexuality; it allowed me to become anyone I wanted to be, and that was the fun part of sex. You get worked up, you become this dominant sex kitten, and just have sex with someone you trust and honor with your body.

But then, something in me changed and ultimately stopped wanting to have sex.

Hi, my name is Liz, and I do not want to have sex with you.

I wanted to talk about this because I feel this is something I always mention in posts and say one day I’ll talk about; well today is that day. 

Let me put this disclaimer out there before anyone speculates otherwise: my decision to sexual abstinence isn’t because something horrible happened in my last relationship. In no way am I traumatized with sex, it’s just become something I’m not looking for, nor want in a really long time because, well, sex has become just another thing that I do not want in my life at this point.

This choice was a personal one, not because I’m now this single 26-year-old woman with no game, but because my preferences and sexuality have been questioned for quite some time. 

I started to feel this lack of wanting sex for over a year; sex was still fun on some occasions, but it used to take forever for me to finally get past the initial start of it. I was still enjoying it, but it started to become less and less fun for me because I started to feel repulsive about it. I didn’t know what was wrong with me; it was now becoming this thing that I started to get anxious about to the point that I even had anxiety attacks prior to having sex. It was a weird feeling and talking about this with the people who mattered was even harder to do.

When things got complicated and months passed by, I had to re-evaluate my thoughts and feelings and my behavior on the matter and well, a lot of things came from it.

I figured that I was a demiromantic. I found myself still being romantically attracted to people that I had deep connections with, and I knew I was still sexually attracted to guys but it still didn’t mean that I wanted to have sex with them. I realized that my relationship with sex needed some repair; that my mindset and my outlook on it needed some work in order to feel confident and willing to want to have it in the future. For a while, I thought maybe I was just strictly asexual, but it was just a label that didn’t completely right with me, because… I mean, I still feel things when looking at hot guys and by hot guys I mean Korean idols, but I just don’t want to have sex with anyone I don’t know!

It was just a decision that felt right for me at this moment. I just want to build meaningful platonic relationships with people, secretly admire cute guys from afar and want nothing from them, just living my damn life the way I want to, and that just doesn’t involve sex right now. I have work to do when it comes to accepting and embracing sex again and eventually I will! Right now, this is just my decision in life and I’m content with it.

At first, it was something I was quite ashamed of. It felt like something was wrong with me, I was feeling the same type of things that most sexually-traumatized people feel, yet  I wasn’t. It just felt like feeling the way I felt wasn’t normal, and for the longest time, I tried to ignore the feelings I was feeling. After accepting this was just the way I am as of now and started talking about it more with my therapist, I’m glad that I did.

I hope that other people who may feel the way that I do start to embrace this and not see it as a negative thing. It’s just one thing that I discovered about myself and it’s just the wave of life!

So yeah! I’ll talk to you, maybe laugh at your silly jokes, connect with you on a deeper level, but I’m not having sex with you. 

*Maureen from RENT’s voice* Take me for what I am!

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Misc.

I Stopped Taking Birth Control Because of my Mental Health.

liz

Dear, guys – welcome to Letters From Liz!

One thing I promised myself to do this year is to discuss some real ass shit on the blog without any boundaries, so here we are, coming back on the blog, talking about the most taboo thing no one likes to openly talk about: birth control.

So, I started to take birth control later in my twenties; it was a very stupid thing to wait so long to get on it after years of, you know, but as I was getting older, wiser, smarter, whatever – I started to take birth control. At first, I was beyond scared to miss taking pills to the point that I used to set an alarm to take it with my anxiety medication. I was funny y’all. The months passed by, the periods became something more manageable, I wasn’t too nervous about being late on my period during the stressful times in my life, and well, birth control was just something routine in my life that many people take in their everyday lives.

But, I started to realize something about my behavior and my mind when I was on birth control.

Photo Credit: Refinery29

To give some background on birth control (sex education, y’all), you typically take one pill daily; 28 pills come in a pack because on average, your period cycle is approximately 28 days. The first three rows, or “weeks”, are the actual hormonal pill, the pills have estrogen in them to help do all the funky stuff in your reproduction system. It’s called birth control because it helps control the egg from dropping during ovulation, which prevents you from getting pregnant. Other uses for birth control is to regulate your period cycle for people who have irregular, heavy periods, and for people who have other reproduction system issues. Finally, the fourth row, or a week, is the placebo pill, “sugar pill”, which in certain prescriptions excludes that row, simply because it’s a pill that has nothing inside of it; it’s just a pill to keep yourself on track with and remind you to keep taking your pills.

I was on birth control for almost 2 years before I decided to stop taking it. I stopped taking it for several reasons at first; for starters, I was now not having sex anymore and decided to not want to have sex anymore for personal reasons and for the simple fact that at this time in my life, sex is just not for me. Because I mainly started to use it because I was sexually active, I felt that because I was using it for that main purpose, it felt like I was just taking the pill to take the pill despite me feeling how I felt whenever I was on the pill.

I ultimately ditched birth control after I realized that the longer I was on it, the more depressed I was feeling, to the point where suicidal thoughts come here and there on the months where I was at my lowest. Now, don’t get me wrong, my mental health goes up and down all the time; with major depression, there are parts of my life where I’m not the greatest, but the type of depression I felt when I was on birth control was some of the worst depression I’ve experienced in my life. I would be depressed for half of the month, and only feel like myself whenever I was on the placebo week of my birth control.

But Liz, how did you know it was the birth control and not just the depression? Well, at first I didn’t. It wasn’t until I did some research on birth control and depression and even some experimenting to realize that birth control was just something that contributed to my poor mental health.

I started to see the change in my behavior and my mood when I stopped taking it. I saw that my depression on my lowest days wasn’t as severe or unmanageable as it was while being on the pill. I also realized that I’ve been more of myself for more of the month rather than the opposite, sure the PMS still lives on and I sometimes just need my me time, but I haven’t been at the point where I’m unmotivated, uninspired, unable to get out of bed and be productive. Possibly other things contribute to that now, but I realize I don’t bring myself down or degrade myself as a person as much as I did while being on the pill.

I’ve been off the pill for a couple of weeks now and I can honestly say I’m so happy to be off of it.

I’m not saying birth control doesn’t have its perks;  it helps millions of people get through their cycles and their reproductive issues and I’m grateful to live in the time when resources like birth control and other forms of contraceptive prevention available although they should be more widely and universally available; that’s another argument for another day.

I’m also thankful that I’m not tied down to taking birth control. Again, preventing pregnancy was the main reason I was taking the pill, but now that I’m not sexually active, there are more cons for me to continue taking it rather than pros.

I recommend every to talk to their doctor about taking birth control and please let them know the effects that birth control causes! There are other forms that may be more suitable and right for you! Ask your doctor to discuss the pros and cons of birth control, and don’t just jump into it just because “you’re a ‘woman’ who should be on it.” If you suffer from clinical depression, ask your doctor and let them know your concerns about your mental health while being on the pill. These are literal hormones you are putting in your body, which will chemically inbalance everything else in your system!

Of course in the future, I will be back on it if I’m truly trying to live that no kids’ life, but as of right now, this is the best decision I can make for me and my mental health.

And please, let’s remove the taboo-ness of talking about birth control. It’s life, no matter what people may think.

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LFL's Anniversary Blogging Celebration!

Happy 3rd Birthday, LFL! 🎂

liz

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Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

First and foremost, I would like to thank everyone for tuning in for the last nine days in celebration of the blog turning 3! It’s insane to see that almost 400 posts later, we are still here, writing content, still loving what we do, and finding even my own inner peace by writing for this blog.

Seriously, guys – thank you.

I know the community is small, and there aren’t that many of you out there, but honestly, that doesn’t mean anything to me. This blog was created in order to get my thoughts and words out there and to continue doing something that I’m passionate about when times got busy and life just happened. If you’ve been here before the name change (TNTH), then you know how we got here; I started this blog during my grad school career to keep my creativity outlet going in the gist of academia. Getting inspiration through our writers on the internet, I decided that on my 23rd birthday, I would launch my blog into the world. Although it’s scary, and due to the very personal voice I use on this blog I’ve upset some people in my life; I still don’t regret anything I wrote and will write for the blog. This is me in my purest form; I was meant to write and will continue doing so for the rest of my life, now we just have to find a job where I can get paid for writing like this, but we’ll get there eventually!

In other news, I’m now 26. I’ve officially crossed over to the “closer to 30” mark, and I’m freaking out! Of course, I am so grateful for being able to live this long; 8 years ago, I didn’t see my future, let alone 26! I’m thankful for seeing another year and to get another opportunity to learn, grow, and prosper. Also, my favorite number for some odd reason has always been 26, so maybe that’s a good sign that this year will be unforgettable!

I hope to do things at 26 that I never have done before: travel, go out and socialize more, meet some new people, eat healthier! Although 26 is still some way to 30, I genuinely do feel that 26 is the beginning of an even better chapter of my life, and I’m excited to continue to work myself to make these things happen for myself. 23 was bad, 24 was even worse, 25 was a bit better but still a struggle, and now I hope at 26, I find some peace and happiness and courage.

So that’s that! The LFL Anniversary celebration has officially ended! Like every year, we will go on a mini-hiatus for a week to just sit back, relax, and gather some ideas for future letters. We will be back on schedule on Tuesday, January 21st @ 12 noon!

Here’s to another year of LFL, and here’s to another year of life!

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LFL's Anniversary Blogging Celebration!

25 Things That Happened/I Learned While Being 25.

liz

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Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

These posts are some of my favorite to write, just because this post is pretty much what started the blog in the first place, but it does allow me to reflect on the many things I’ve done and learned right before a new year starts. Last year, we did twenty-four, and now it’s time to say goodbye to one of the best years I think I had in a really long time, twenty-five.

Continue reading “25 Things That Happened/I Learned While Being 25.” →

LFL's Anniversary Blogging Celebration!

What 26 Was Gonna Be Like, As Told by a *Naïve* 22-Year-Old.

liz

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Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

So, here’s a funny story.

When I was younger, and not that much younger but seriously YOUNGER, ya girl had plans. You see, I was 22-years-old, in 2016, living the best life I could possibly live, making plans for my future like some big, ambitious hot-shot. I was wrapping up college, I was going to grad school right after, I was in a serious relationship, and I was trying to think where I wanted to be by the time I turned 26.

I told myself the following:

  • First and foremost, I expected to have a working career, even though I never had a job in my life at the time. I thought by the time I turned 24 and graduated with a master’s degree, employers were going to crawl to me and beg me to work for them, and just instantly get a career that I loved. At the time, I wanted to do screenwriting, which I planned that with film school hopefully in the works, I’d be making films and all that jazz. Yep, living the dream.
  • I also wanted to get engaged by the time I was 26. In my mind, 26 seemed like the right age to make such a major decision like that, that I was so ready to settle down and marry the man of my dreams; which I guessed could’ve happened because the relationship was a serious one, but still – I thought I would’ve been engaged by then. If I got engaged before that, like from 23 to 25, then I wanted to be married by the time I was 26. In this relationship, I was in that mindset that I was ready to settle down with the man I was with, so I just thought that 26 was a good age to do so.
  • When I was so in love with that relationship, I had thoughts about even having children by the time I was 26. I didn’t want kids at first but discussing things like that with my former partner, it was something that I wouldn’t mind happening with that man. I was crazy in love, indeed. Again, it was in reference to my mother and how life was planned out for her; she had my sister when she was 25, and to my 22-year-old mind, I thought that was mature and an adult-like age to do things like that.
  • I also thought I’d be out of my mother’s place, possibly living with my then-partner or with a roommate or something. Then again, I thought that I was capable of moving out when I was 18, but man was I fooled! At 22, I just thought that 26 was still “too old” to be living in the same roof as my family, whether or not the rent was (and still is) stupid high.

Being at 25, I realize how ridiculous and high these expectations were for me. Of course, always aim high, but at 22, I didn’t realize just how much more growing up I needed to do. Of course, at 22 I didn’t know where exactly I’d be when I celebrate my 26th birthday, but it’s nowhere even close to where I thought it was going to be. At 25, I’m single, I don’t have anyone sliding in the DMs nor do I want anyone doing so, I know I don’t want to have kids and accepted that, and marriage is something I don’t see myself being in even in the next 4 years of my twenties. At 25, I learned a lot about life since I made those plans. Also, life just happens, and sometimes the things you work for just don’t happen for you and instead bring you other opportunities to discover things that feel more like you. Although I didn’t go to film school, I found my passions in writing flourish through rhetoric and writing composition, which lead me to the place and path I’m on now! Although I didn’t get engaged, married, or had a kid (THANK GOD), I found out that some of the things that I thought I wanted were not things I wanted for me as a person, but for me as a person who was in a relationship. And lastly, although I don’t live in my own place, I still have money to do the things I want to do like travel and explore the world; just living my damn 20’s!

So, this is how I’m truly entering my 26th year:

  • I work at my old college’s bookstore and I love it. I get to help college students get their textbooks as smooth and efficient as possible, which is just the start of my mission towards my career. I plan to stay in academia, maybe teach one day, but I truly become an academic advisor! Although I don’t have the experience to do so (yet), just working at a college is a good start. I also really like my job.
  • I’m not in a relationship anymore, which means all the relationship things I planned didn’t happen, and I’m perfectly fine by that. People just outgrow each other, and sometimes things just don’t work out. Since being out of the relationship, I’ve had the time to focus my energy on myself, which gives me a better understanding of who I am, what I want, and where I’d like to be. As of right now, I don’t want to enter a new relationship; I just want to get to know myself, travel, live my life, and challenge myself to new and better things in life.
  • I live at home because the rent is expensive and I’m just starting my life. I just started to make my own money, and I still have so many things to do because I get a place and have to spend my money on bills and such. I’m not ready for all of that, and that’s fine! Living in NYC is hard on your own, and I know I’m just not ready to try to be a complete adult and live on my own. The time will come, but it ain’t coming anytime soon.
  • I’m planning to go on my first airborne trip! This would be my first time ever on an airplane, and it would be to Florida to see Tori, one of my closest friends in my life. She moved to Florida last summer, and I’ve told myself that when she settles into a place with her fiancee and her dog, Sasha, I was going to visit her. We’re hoping for a March trip, so hopefully, the blog will be getting a travel diary within a couple of months!

There’s still so much life I feel like I need to live before I do any of those “plans” I had planned for myself. I’m not sad, nor upset that my life didn’t go as planned, it happens and everything happens for a reason. So here I am, 25 and 2 days away from 26, living my life the way it was planned out for me, by me, as I got older.

At least 22 was optimistic… too optimistic.

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Creative Pieces, LFL's Anniversary Blogging Celebration!

Crying in the Shower: A Midnight Poem.

liz

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Crying in the shower

Steam fills the small room,
as water falls and hits the bottom of your tub,
just loud enough to soundproof
the cries in your throat
that you’ve built inside for weeks.
The hot water
flushes your skin
so the redness on your face
isn’t detected by others.
It seems like the world flashes backward
how life was carefree and meaningful
how you once had a boy love you,
how you found happiness in friendships
how tranquillity was the one thing you always wanted,
and for a brief moment, you had it.
But now the shower knobs are being twisted,
a towel is being thrown on the rack,
clothes are falling to the floor until there’s nothing left but your exposed body,
just waiting to be sent back to reality
by
running
water.
You cry to the point where you hiccup
wiping hot tears and hot water
running down your face.
You take a deep breath
open your puffy eyes
stand there until the steam
covers the mirror so you don’t
stare back at the mess you call yourself.
And it’s like nothing happened;
the sadness was never there
the memories of a familiar you disappeared
the person you love is still just a fragment of your past,
you open the bathroom door
and cool air
hits your skin
the same way reality hits us.
So we act like the tears in our shower
Never appeared
until next time.
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This was a poem I wrote before a midnight shower. TMI, but I was just sitting on the edge of the tub, naked, typing away on the notes on my phone. While writing this, I was reflecting back on the negatives that the year had brought me; I was still (am) dealing with the breakup of my last relationship, I felt like the friendships and connections I made with people were not genuine (with isn’t true, SAD tries to tell me no one truly likes me) and I was thinking about the wrongdoings from the last decade. With this mindset, I also wrote The Year of Forgiveness and it’s become one of my major 2020 resolutions. Also, I’m getting back to writing poetry every now and then without judging how “good” I am. When I was a teenager, I was told I wasn’t a good poet, and because of that, I stopped writing poetry altogether. Just recently, I picked it up again just to get my thoughts out in a more personal, artistic way, of course – without judging whether it’s good or not. So, here is one of many more to come.

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LFL's Anniversary Blogging Celebration!, Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: I’m A Bad Friend to Have.

liz

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Picture this: you’re in a room with people, vibing and chilling; the energy is right. You laugh every now and then at these people’s jokes, you can relate to them in certain conversations, and you’re truly feeling them. You like them, a lot; so much, that you decide you want to keep in touch with them and hopefully build a beautiful ass friendship with them. But, like every other person that enters your life, the situation goes one of two ways: You get their phone number and you never text or call them, or you never get their number because you feel like the person you want to be friends with doesn’t want to be friends with you back. So, you’re back at square one, trying to make friends for the umpteenth time. 

Hi, my name is Liz, and although I want to be friends with you, I feel as if I’m a bad friend, so I don’t bother trying.

Lemme explain. 

I was the ultimate social butterfly when I was younger; I had friends who lived on my block that I hanged out with, it was always easy for me to make friends in public school and had crews upon crews of people, and although I was never the popular girl, I was still known pretty well throughout many different groups of people. It was like my younger self was unapologetic for being herself, and whether you liked me or not, I was still being her; with or without friends. Even in high-school when I became a little bit more closed in and shy, I still had friends that I was able to rely on, good ones at that, but something changed in me over the years. Once I graduated high school and was now moving onto college, it seemed like making friends became harder and harder, and now at 25, it’s possibly one of the hardest things to do.

I don’t like to blame my lack of friendships on my social anxiety disorder, even if it does play a huge role in the difficulties of building and keeping friendships. With a person with SAD, I’m able to express and be myself in a group setting that I feel absolutely comfortable being in, but it seems like the whole reason why I have SAD is the afterthought of it all: “what if they don’t like me?” “How do I continue this conversation without making it awkward? “what if they like me, but don’t want anything more than just be acquaintances?” “what if they just pity me, and they truly think I’m just this weird, annoying girl?” “OMG, it’s been a couple of weeks since I last texted this friend, how do I keep in touch with people?!”

And it’s those types of thoughts that shut me down completely and make me feel like I’m not capable of being friends with people.

That, and also the years of being told that I didn’t know what it means to have friends.

I try not to be a bad friend; I mean, who wants to be a bad friend? People who can’t keep friends are just bad at being a friend, right? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe there are people in the world who just treat their friends like shit because they are just shitty people. Maybe there are people in the world who just get so fucking excited and determined to keeping friends, that it ultimately burns you in the ass and you end up realizing people don’t see you in the same light as you see them, especially being adults now.

Excuse me for that run-on sentence, but the reality just spilled out like word vomit.

I’m definitely the type of person that loves too hard and falls too hard when it comes to potential partnerships, let alone getting hella excited over new friendships. I get really happy and those who are making me happy become my life because as the years passed on, I do realize that I’m more social than I make myself out to be, and being sociable is one of the things that make me really happy. Sure, it’s a journey to get to that place, but with therapy and self-awareness, I feel like what I need in this stage in my life is just some good socializing and meaningful friendships.

But, sometimes I fail to realize that this isn’t public school anymore, and your closest friends aren’t just your friends. Your friends have friends of their own, perhaps friends that they rather spend their free time with on weekends, spend birthdays with, go on celebrations with; just because you see a person as a really good friend that you want to do all the friendship stuff with, doesn’t mean they see that with you.

But then again, who’s to think that’s even the truth if you don’t even fucking try?

My biggest fear nowadays is having friendships that don’t value me the same way I value them. I fear that I’m easily forgotten; that no one thinks of me when it comes to friendships; I mean, I’ve had my fair share of people not inviting me to things when the majority of the friend group is out and about. Let us never forget me not getting an invitation to a birthday celebration of a mutual close friend that shared the same exact birthday as me. 

Besides that, I just don’t believe that I’m friend-material. I don’t think that the company I keep wants to be friends with me in the long run, and I guess because I already have that engraved in my head, I just let it go. I let people come and go and then it’s back to the fake “omg girl, I miss you!” Instagram and Facebook comments.

Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe there are people out in this world that I will meet and want to be friends with me, like real “let’s go out and hang out” type of friends. I truly envy those who can make friends in an instant and then BAM, they are both on Instagram posting each other in their IG stories at a cool place in the city or some shit. I can only wish.

But, I know half of the work needs to come from me. I know that if I want to show potential friends that I’m serious about making this into a friendship that I need to speak up and try to set something up. I know that it takes two to tango, and maybe the person I’m looking to be friends with is just afraid of getting rejected by me because of the energy I may be putting out in the world. I swear, I’m not antisocial nor am I just this lonely person that likes to be by herself, I’m just internally trying to ask you to be my friend and go hang out as well. 

I hope one day in the future I get better at making friends. Correction: I hope one day in the future I get better at keeping friends. No more convenience friendships just because we are both in the same environment. No more getting comfortable with people and expressing myself out of confidence and then become strangers a few months later. No more “let’s totally plan something!” ass people. I’m about to be 26, I want to make meaningful friendships. 

So, let me introduce myself one last time:

Hi, my name is Liz, and although my SAD causes me to distance myself away from people because I believe I’m not good enough, I will try my hardest to keep in touch with friends and make an effort to not see myself as being a bad friend. I would like to be your friend.

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LFL's Anniversary Blogging Celebration!

The Year of Forgiveness: A Revelation.

liz

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Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

I hope everyone enjoyed the first few days of the new year, and I hope the first weekend of 2020 is a happy, positive, and adventurous one for you.

Now, let’s get straight to the point: I don’t believe in New Year’s Resolutions.

Again, I’m not trying to be all pessimistic here, but resolutions for me just never worked out; it was either I aimed too high or gave up on them once the feeling of a “new year” vanished. I try to keep my goals for the new year as simple as possible: just hope that the new year brings happiness and peace and blah-blah-blah…

Whatever.

Although I don’t really like making resolutions, I feel the need to make a huge change in my life for the new decade. You see, although I am quite happy and living my life the way I’d like to, I feel like I’m still holding onto things that I should’ve let go. In other words, I still carry around grudges and resentment that I should’ve resolved years ago. Maybe I wasn’t ready to, maybe I’ll never be ready to fully come out and let things go like they never happened, but I’m tired of carrying them around like unwanted baggage.

I want to leave my past in the past and my last decade in the last decade.

I want to leave the hurt, little teenage girl in the past because that isn’t who I am at almost 26. I want to leave the envy and jealousy, the pain, the insecurities, and the hatred I felt in the last decade towards people who wronged me and scarred me. I want to leave those doubts, those negative thoughts, those memories behind because I’m just tired of carrying it. Of course, some of my life I will never be able to fully let go; it’s why it’s called trauma and some of it will just be too heavy and traumatic for me to let it be, but for the most part, I’m tired of allowing it to define me, I’m tired of having to relive some of it within new scenarios in my life that may feel familiar to it, and I’m tired of it allowing me to be bitter and unwilling to forgive.

My resolution for this year, and for all years to come, is to forgive myself, the people, the events, and the circumstances that the last decade as put me through. I want to be able to one day write a message to old friends of mine and simply say “I’m sorry for leaving you unannounced, I was young, selfish, and too cowardly to handle things like an adult. I hope you’re living a great life”. I want to be able to hear the person’s name that influenced my toxic and suicidal behavior back in high-school without having flashbacks of that time, and simply say “I forgive you, I hope your life is going well.” I want to be able to see my ex every now and then, whether that be through pictures or videos or mutual friend interaction online and not think about all the wrong that happened, but say “I forgive you, I’m sorry for my part of it all, and I hope you are living out your dreams.” I want to take my 18-year-old self, forgive her for her mistakes and flaws, and just let her the fuck go. 

I want a new, clean slate. I want my baggage to be empty because I emptied it myself and threw it out, not because I just threw everything back in the closet to disguise it. I truly want to forgive everything that has happened in my life; the people who hurt me, the people I hurt, the events that took place, the mistakes that I made. I want to genuinely forgive it all. 

Of course, this is going to take more than a couple of blog posts, therapy sessions, and changes to finally be okay with everything and everyone. It’s going to take an immense amount of time to unlearn old habits and defensive mechanisms and truly see things through another perspective. I just don’t want to feel resentment anymore. 

I just want to live my life in peace, knowing that the things that haunt me don’t have the power to do so anymore.

And that’s what I hope this year teaches me: to finally forgive,

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LFL's Anniversary Blogging Celebration!

#TBT: Where Was I in 2010?

liz

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Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

So, it’s really crazy to believe that we are now at the start of a new decade! In the spirit of a new year beginning, I like to reflect on where I was 10 years ago; we spoke about where I was in 2009 last year! So to start off this new year (and decade), let’s talk about where I was at the start of the last decade, 2010!

  • In 2010, I was turning 16. I didn’t have a sweet 16 though, but for my 16th birthday, my family agreed to the idea of me getting a nose piercing, so I did! I still have the same nose piercing 10 years later despite me getting other ones and then taking them out because I was tired of them. After that, we went shopping. The Friday before my birthday, the boy I had a really huge crush got me a cute birthday card, which even though it has been 10 years and things changed, I keep it for sentimental reasons. It was a good birthday.
  • I was a sophomore in high school, aka the best year of my high-school career. I had a really good group of friends, I was performing every other weekend with the choir I was a part of, and I was truly learning about life and what it was like to be a somewhat of a normal teenager. During that season of performing, we performed at a competition called NYSSMA, and after performing some of the hardest and highest levels of pieces, we not only got gold, but we got gold with distinction! Our whole choir traveled on the B44 bus from Marine Park and celebrated the whole way. It was truly iconic.
  • I was a bit rebellious when I was 16. Well, more like a lot of rebellious. You see, I spent a lot of my time with this boy that I really liked. He became my best friend and the one I’d talk to day and night, and because we were both rebellious teenagers, we both did some rebellious things. After being an innocent prude for most of my life, I was now doing things that contradict the things I felt so strongly about. I had lost my virginity when I was 16, and when I told my friends at the time about it, they were livid. It was definitely a difficult time trying to grow up but still be friends with the people that saw me one way, y’ know? Nevertheless, 2010 was a rebellious year for me.
  • I went to the first and last school party of my high-school career because, again, I wanted to hang out with the boy I was really into. The scene was definitely not mine, and guys wanted to “dance” (dance as in dub) with me and I really wasn’t feeling it. It was a fun party nevertheless, but I don’t think I’ll ever get the mental image of girls literally riding guys when Ciara’s “Ride” came on. It was truly something.
  • At the end of 2010, things were definitely changing for me and I didn’t know how to express them in an efficient way. When I started my junior year and I wasn’t under the wing of my upperclassman best friend, I started to become more open and friendly to a lot of the people in my own grade. When I started to make new friends of my own, I began to like someone else that I had gotten close to, and this time it was someone of the same sex. I wasn’t gay though, nor have I ever saw another girl in a romantic type of way. I remember telling my girl best friend at the time, and because of her religion then, she pretty much told me the “resist the demon” story, which was something I didn’t believe in myself. I didn’t do anything about it because I felt that liking girls was not right for me, and I tried to end it there.
  • Although I was invited to a sweet 16 of a person who did not really like me, I went to one of my friends sweet 16 and it was seriously the most fun thing I did in 2010! Although she was my age, she was a grade below me, and many of her friends were from her own grade, it did feel good to interact with other people outside my circle and get out of this shy bubble that many people saw me in.

2010 was definitely a year to put in the books because of so many things (a lot not told just because I keep them close to my heart). It was truly the year of a new chapter of my life, which left behind some of the more naive, innocent, one-sided thoughts I had in the previous decade, and it’s crazy to see that 2020 might just be another decade starter where I begin a new chapter of my life. So, although the beginning of last decade was one to remember, here’s to a new decade with new opportunities to make new memories!

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