Author: liz
Crying in the Shower: A Midnight Poem.
Crying in the shower
Steam fills the small room,
as water falls and hits the bottom of your tub,
just loud enough to soundproof
the cries in your throat
that you’ve built inside for weeks.
The hot water
flushes your skin
so the redness on your face
isn’t detected by others.
It seems like the world flashes backward
how life was carefree and meaningful
how you once had a boy love you,
how you found happiness in friendships
how tranquillity was the one thing you always wanted,
and for a brief moment, you had it.
But now the shower knobs are being twisted,
a towel is being thrown on the rack,
clothes are falling to the floor until there’s nothing left but your exposed body,
just waiting to be sent back to reality
by
running
water.
You cry to the point where you hiccup
wiping hot tears and hot water
running down your face.
You take a deep breath
open your puffy eyes
stand there until the steam
covers the mirror so you don’t
stare back at the mess you call yourself.
And it’s like nothing happened;
the sadness was never there
the memories of a familiar you disappeared
the person you love is still just a fragment of your past,
you open the bathroom door
and cool air
hits your skin
the same way reality hits us.
So we act like the tears in our shower
Never appeared
until next time.
—————————————–
This was a poem I wrote before a midnight shower. TMI, but I was just sitting on the edge of the tub, naked, typing away on the notes on my phone. While writing this, I was reflecting back on the negatives that the year had brought me; I was still (am) dealing with the breakup of my last relationship, I felt like the friendships and connections I made with people were not genuine (with isn’t true, SAD tries to tell me no one truly likes me) and I was thinking about the wrongdoings from the last decade. With this mindset, I also wrote The Year of Forgiveness and it’s become one of my major 2020 resolutions. Also, I’m getting back to writing poetry every now and then without judging how “good” I am. When I was a teenager, I was told I wasn’t a good poet, and because of that, I stopped writing poetry altogether. Just recently, I picked it up again just to get my thoughts out in a more personal, artistic way, of course – without judging whether it’s good or not. So, here is one of many more to come.
Overexposed: I’m A Bad Friend to Have.
Picture this: you’re in a room with people, vibing and chilling; the energy is right. You laugh every now and then at these people’s jokes, you can relate to them in certain conversations, and you’re truly feeling them. You like them, a lot; so much, that you decide you want to keep in touch with them and hopefully build a beautiful ass friendship with them. But, like every other person that enters your life, the situation goes one of two ways: You get their phone number and you never text or call them, or you never get their number because you feel like the person you want to be friends with doesn’t want to be friends with you back. So, you’re back at square one, trying to make friends for the umpteenth time.
Hi, my name is Liz, and although I want to be friends with you, I feel as if I’m a bad friend, so I don’t bother trying.
Lemme explain.
I was the ultimate social butterfly when I was younger; I had friends who lived on my block that I hanged out with, it was always easy for me to make friends in public school and had crews upon crews of people, and although I was never the popular girl, I was still known pretty well throughout many different groups of people. It was like my younger self was unapologetic for being herself, and whether you liked me or not, I was still being her; with or without friends. Even in high-school when I became a little bit more closed in and shy, I still had friends that I was able to rely on, good ones at that, but something changed in me over the years. Once I graduated high school and was now moving onto college, it seemed like making friends became harder and harder, and now at 25, it’s possibly one of the hardest things to do.
I don’t like to blame my lack of friendships on my social anxiety disorder, even if it does play a huge role in the difficulties of building and keeping friendships. With a person with SAD, I’m able to express and be myself in a group setting that I feel absolutely comfortable being in, but it seems like the whole reason why I have SAD is the afterthought of it all: “what if they don’t like me?” “How do I continue this conversation without making it awkward? “what if they like me, but don’t want anything more than just be acquaintances?” “what if they just pity me, and they truly think I’m just this weird, annoying girl?” “OMG, it’s been a couple of weeks since I last texted this friend, how do I keep in touch with people?!”
And it’s those types of thoughts that shut me down completely and make me feel like I’m not capable of being friends with people.
That, and also the years of being told that I didn’t know what it means to have friends.
I try not to be a bad friend; I mean, who wants to be a bad friend? People who can’t keep friends are just bad at being a friend, right? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe there are people in the world who just treat their friends like shit because they are just shitty people. Maybe there are people in the world who just get so fucking excited and determined to keeping friends, that it ultimately burns you in the ass and you end up realizing people don’t see you in the same light as you see them, especially being adults now.
Excuse me for that run-on sentence, but the reality just spilled out like word vomit.
I’m definitely the type of person that loves too hard and falls too hard when it comes to potential partnerships, let alone getting hella excited over new friendships. I get really happy and those who are making me happy become my life because as the years passed on, I do realize that I’m more social than I make myself out to be, and being sociable is one of the things that make me really happy. Sure, it’s a journey to get to that place, but with therapy and self-awareness, I feel like what I need in this stage in my life is just some good socializing and meaningful friendships.
But, sometimes I fail to realize that this isn’t public school anymore, and your closest friends aren’t just your friends. Your friends have friends of their own, perhaps friends that they rather spend their free time with on weekends, spend birthdays with, go on celebrations with; just because you see a person as a really good friend that you want to do all the friendship stuff with, doesn’t mean they see that with you.
But then again, who’s to think that’s even the truth if you don’t even fucking try?
My biggest fear nowadays is having friendships that don’t value me the same way I value them. I fear that I’m easily forgotten; that no one thinks of me when it comes to friendships; I mean, I’ve had my fair share of people not inviting me to things when the majority of the friend group is out and about. Let us never forget me not getting an invitation to a birthday celebration of a mutual close friend that shared the same exact birthday as me.
Besides that, I just don’t believe that I’m friend-material. I don’t think that the company I keep wants to be friends with me in the long run, and I guess because I already have that engraved in my head, I just let it go. I let people come and go and then it’s back to the fake “omg girl, I miss you!” Instagram and Facebook comments.
Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe there are people out in this world that I will meet and want to be friends with me, like real “let’s go out and hang out” type of friends. I truly envy those who can make friends in an instant and then BAM, they are both on Instagram posting each other in their IG stories at a cool place in the city or some shit. I can only wish.
But, I know half of the work needs to come from me. I know that if I want to show potential friends that I’m serious about making this into a friendship that I need to speak up and try to set something up. I know that it takes two to tango, and maybe the person I’m looking to be friends with is just afraid of getting rejected by me because of the energy I may be putting out in the world. I swear, I’m not antisocial nor am I just this lonely person that likes to be by herself, I’m just internally trying to ask you to be my friend and go hang out as well.
I hope one day in the future I get better at making friends. Correction: I hope one day in the future I get better at keeping friends. No more convenience friendships just because we are both in the same environment. No more getting comfortable with people and expressing myself out of confidence and then become strangers a few months later. No more “let’s totally plan something!” ass people. I’m about to be 26, I want to make meaningful friendships.
So, let me introduce myself one last time:
Hi, my name is Liz, and although my SAD causes me to distance myself away from people because I believe I’m not good enough, I will try my hardest to keep in touch with friends and make an effort to not see myself as being a bad friend. I would like to be your friend.
The Year of Forgiveness: A Revelation.
Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!
I hope everyone enjoyed the first few days of the new year, and I hope the first weekend of 2020 is a happy, positive, and adventurous one for you.
Now, let’s get straight to the point: I don’t believe in New Year’s Resolutions.
Again, I’m not trying to be all pessimistic here, but resolutions for me just never worked out; it was either I aimed too high or gave up on them once the feeling of a “new year” vanished. I try to keep my goals for the new year as simple as possible: just hope that the new year brings happiness and peace and blah-blah-blah…
Whatever.
Although I don’t really like making resolutions, I feel the need to make a huge change in my life for the new decade. You see, although I am quite happy and living my life the way I’d like to, I feel like I’m still holding onto things that I should’ve let go. In other words, I still carry around grudges and resentment that I should’ve resolved years ago. Maybe I wasn’t ready to, maybe I’ll never be ready to fully come out and let things go like they never happened, but I’m tired of carrying them around like unwanted baggage.
I want to leave my past in the past and my last decade in the last decade.
I want to leave the hurt, little teenage girl in the past because that isn’t who I am at almost 26. I want to leave the envy and jealousy, the pain, the insecurities, and the hatred I felt in the last decade towards people who wronged me and scarred me. I want to leave those doubts, those negative thoughts, those memories behind because I’m just tired of carrying it. Of course, some of my life I will never be able to fully let go; it’s why it’s called trauma and some of it will just be too heavy and traumatic for me to let it be, but for the most part, I’m tired of allowing it to define me, I’m tired of having to relive some of it within new scenarios in my life that may feel familiar to it, and I’m tired of it allowing me to be bitter and unwilling to forgive.
My resolution for this year, and for all years to come, is to forgive myself, the people, the events, and the circumstances that the last decade as put me through. I want to be able to one day write a message to old friends of mine and simply say “I’m sorry for leaving you unannounced, I was young, selfish, and too cowardly to handle things like an adult. I hope you’re living a great life”. I want to be able to hear the person’s name that influenced my toxic and suicidal behavior back in high-school without having flashbacks of that time, and simply say “I forgive you, I hope your life is going well.” I want to be able to see my ex every now and then, whether that be through pictures or videos or mutual friend interaction online and not think about all the wrong that happened, but say “I forgive you, I’m sorry for my part of it all, and I hope you are living out your dreams.” I want to take my 18-year-old self, forgive her for her mistakes and flaws, and just let her the fuck go.
I want a new, clean slate. I want my baggage to be empty because I emptied it myself and threw it out, not because I just threw everything back in the closet to disguise it. I truly want to forgive everything that has happened in my life; the people who hurt me, the people I hurt, the events that took place, the mistakes that I made. I want to genuinely forgive it all.
Of course, this is going to take more than a couple of blog posts, therapy sessions, and changes to finally be okay with everything and everyone. It’s going to take an immense amount of time to unlearn old habits and defensive mechanisms and truly see things through another perspective. I just don’t want to feel resentment anymore.
I just want to live my life in peace, knowing that the things that haunt me don’t have the power to do so anymore.
And that’s what I hope this year teaches me: to finally forgive,
#TBT: Where Was I in 2010?
Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!
So, it’s really crazy to believe that we are now at the start of a new decade! In the spirit of a new year beginning, I like to reflect on where I was 10 years ago; we spoke about where I was in 2009 last year! So to start off this new year (and decade), let’s talk about where I was at the start of the last decade, 2010!
- In 2010, I was turning 16. I didn’t have a sweet 16 though, but for my 16th birthday, my family agreed to the idea of me getting a nose piercing, so I did! I still have the same nose piercing 10 years later despite me getting other ones and then taking them out because I was tired of them. After that, we went shopping. The Friday before my birthday, the boy I had a really huge crush got me a cute birthday card, which even though it has been 10 years and things changed, I keep it for sentimental reasons. It was a good birthday.
- I was a sophomore in high school, aka the best year of my high-school career. I had a really good group of friends, I was performing every other weekend with the choir I was a part of, and I was truly learning about life and what it was like to be a somewhat of a normal teenager. During that season of performing, we performed at a competition called NYSSMA, and after performing some of the hardest and highest levels of pieces, we not only got gold, but we got gold with distinction! Our whole choir traveled on the B44 bus from Marine Park and celebrated the whole way. It was truly iconic.
- I was a bit rebellious when I was 16. Well, more like a lot of rebellious. You see, I spent a lot of my time with this boy that I really liked. He became my best friend and the one I’d talk to day and night, and because we were both rebellious teenagers, we both did some rebellious things. After being an innocent prude for most of my life, I was now doing things that contradict the things I felt so strongly about. I had lost my virginity when I was 16, and when I told my friends at the time about it, they were livid. It was definitely a difficult time trying to grow up but still be friends with the people that saw me one way, y’ know? Nevertheless, 2010 was a rebellious year for me.
- I went to the first and last school party of my high-school career because, again, I wanted to hang out with the boy I was really into. The scene was definitely not mine, and guys wanted to “dance” (dance as in dub) with me and I really wasn’t feeling it. It was a fun party nevertheless, but I don’t think I’ll ever get the mental image of girls literally riding guys when Ciara’s “Ride” came on. It was truly something.
- At the end of 2010, things were definitely changing for me and I didn’t know how to express them in an efficient way. When I started my junior year and I wasn’t under the wing of my upperclassman best friend, I started to become more open and friendly to a lot of the people in my own grade. When I started to make new friends of my own, I began to like someone else that I had gotten close to, and this time it was someone of the same sex. I wasn’t gay though, nor have I ever saw another girl in a romantic type of way. I remember telling my girl best friend at the time, and because of her religion then, she pretty much told me the “resist the demon” story, which was something I didn’t believe in myself. I didn’t do anything about it because I felt that liking girls was not right for me, and I tried to end it there.
- Although I was invited to a sweet 16 of a person who did not really like me, I went to one of my friends sweet 16 and it was seriously the most fun thing I did in 2010! Although she was my age, she was a grade below me, and many of her friends were from her own grade, it did feel good to interact with other people outside my circle and get out of this shy bubble that many people saw me in.
2010 was definitely a year to put in the books because of so many things (a lot not told just because I keep them close to my heart). It was truly the year of a new chapter of my life, which left behind some of the more naive, innocent, one-sided thoughts I had in the previous decade, and it’s crazy to see that 2020 might just be another decade starter where I begin a new chapter of my life. So, although the beginning of last decade was one to remember, here’s to a new decade with new opportunities to make new memories!
A Voiceless Rant: January 2020 Edition.
Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!
Happy New Year, Letter Readers! Here’s to the start of a new year, a new decade, new memories, and new content for the blog! I hope that this year I am able to bring you guys content that is fresh, new, inspiring, and innovative!
Although there are positives of a new year starting up, it’s not always the greatest thing for me. I’m not negative about a new year, nor am I this negative Nancy-all-bitter-and-nasty about the celebrations of a new year, it’s just that during this time of the year, I have to take extra care of my mental health.
So, here is this month’s installment of:
When I was younger, my family and I would always go out for New Year’s Eve. We always had friends and family in the area, and we always went over to celebrate the countdown of a new year with them around. It was always fun; I got to dress up in a very sparkly dress and shows, I would eat good food and snacks and dance to the music playing, and right before midnight we would all gather around a watch the ball drop. It was always a holiday I enjoyed when I was younger, but as the years passed on and I got older, New Year’s Eve became this holiday I wasn’t looking forward to.
New Year’s Eve, traditionally, is a time of celebration, going out with friends and family, drinking. I truly believe everyone gets New Year’s Day off because we all need the extra day to cure the hangovers of all the drinking that we do on NYE. While yeah, most of us are able to go out, drink, have fun, and go into the new year as smooth as possible, it’s truly one of the hardest and anxious things to go through when alcohol and drinking isn’t a positive thing in your life.
I can only imagine every person who has an alcoholic in their family or within their friend group doesn’t have the greatest relationship with alcohol, and to have a holiday that emphasizes the usage of alcohol does nothing but get me anxious, stressed, and worrisome. As I got older and became more aware of what the drinking was doing to my family on NYE, I started to resent the holiday as a whole, and I now honestly try not to even see it as a holiday, but just another day turning into yet another day.
While I embrace the new positives and start of a new year, I don’t believe in new year resolutions nor am I a fan of the constant “weight-loss deals” and commercials that spam your television or advertisements. For a person that has tried to lose weight every new year since forever, it’s just a constant reminder that I couldn’t do it myself, and it’s just a downer. I mean, I won’t put anyone else’s dream of weight-loss down, it just sucks that this “new year means you have to lose weight” concept bothers me.
Also, a couple of years ago, something happened on NYE with my family. I wasn’t at home when it happened, and I’m thankful that I wasn’t, but it doesn’t mean that it didn’t affect me the way that it did. I still think about it every year that NYE comes around, and it does put a damper on my mood every year, and even after trying to do things that could put a happier mood on the holiday, things just never really went as planned. So, for now, I try not to do anything for NYE and treat it as any other day. Sure, I am grateful to live to see another year and I get another opportunity for growth and such, celebrating it for one night just isn’t something I want to do.
Maybe in the future, I’ll see the holiday in a new light and actually enjoy it, but maybe I just need some extra mental health care whenever it comes around. I’m just lucky to see another year and just continue living, in all honesty.
So yesterday, I didn’t do much; I only got a wisdom tooth removed and now I’m just recovering from that. I wrote some blog posts for this anniversary celebration, I relaxed with my family; nothing major or special was done and I’m fine with that. As long as I’m taking care of myself on days like that, it’s a victory for me.
“You Showed Me”: To the Decade of My Youth.
To the decade of my youth,
Thank you for turning out the way you did. Thank you for allowing me to see what the decade of my adulthood will be like, and thank you for teaching me such important life lessons that I will carry to the decade of my adulthood, elderhood, livelihood.
You showed me what it was like to be a teenager; pimples, awkward stages, random hormonal rage feelings, and how it felt like to be in teenage love. I enter you just weeks after I got my first-ever kiss at 15, a couple of months later would be the first time I would lose my virginity, it would be the first time I said “I love you” to the first boy I fell in love with. You showed me that getting to know someone and getting that puppy love was just as addicting as any hardcore drug out in the world. You showed me that I was now indulged in a whole new side of the world I never knew existed. You showed me what it was like to be passionate, to show passion, to be the embodiment of passion through love, talent, and aura.
You showed me jealousy in its ugliest form. You showed me hopelessness and insecurity that I wasn’t good enough. You showed me that people can lie and that people will still smile in your face and hold you just to make sure you’re alright without ever knowing what’s going on behind closed doors. You showed me what falling in love a second time felt like; how blissful and twisted and poison it was; you truly showed me that the second love I will ever experience would be the one that haunts me and changes me forever, and at first, it wasn’t for the better. You showed me how quickly life and love could be taken away from me and how I could be the most hated person in a room full of people.
You showed me how sad I can truly be. You showed me that in a world full of 7 billion people, I can feel like the only woman on a deserted island. You showed me the consequences of my actions and how life could be like if I don’t take action on my responsibilities. You showed me how people’s true colors come forward when I was on my knees, crying out for help because I was a ticking time-bomb, just waiting to give up and just kill myself at 18. You showed me how scary the mind can be and how irrational it can become when I was surrounded by nothing your thoughts and the negativity fueling them.
You showed me that change will only come only if I’m willing to work for it. You showed me that it’s harder and more painful to hold onto something toxic than rather just letting it go for the better. You showed me that through the dark times, there will be good! You showed me that once I forgave myself for my past to some extent, I was able to move forward and begin a new chapter of my life. You showed me that college wasn’t going to be the easiest thing and that people would not take me seriously when I told them I wanted to be an English major. You showed me that happiness was not only within the circle I kept, but an entire community around the world that I didn’t know existed until they welcomed me into their fandom. You showed me that passions change, and in some cases, they save your life over and over again.
You showed me it was okay to share the fact that I’ve always had imaginary friends roaming inside my mind, but now they were characters of stories I wanted to tell through scripts. You showed me that a simple song on the radio can inspire me to write a complete short film about a girl who finds her mother after abandoning her for her career 17 years ago and share the mutual love of dance. You showed me that a true-crime drama inspired me to write about stories and characters I’ve had swimming in my head since the decade of my childhood! You showed me that sometimes, you can find your love for something all over again, and sometimes it was worth going back to.
You showed me how much better the present was than the past. You showed me that the people who were once in my life will not always fit into the life I have now, and that is completely okay. You showed me that I don’t fit in other’s people’s life anymore as well. You showed me how easy it was to get lost again, how problems are always reoccurring; they just get bigger as you get older. You showed me how imperfect family truly is and how the saying “blood is thicker than water” isn’t always true. You showed me how easy it was to live a life of denial, that everything will be alright once the pain passes, how everything eventually goes back to normal, yet you showed me how they don’t and that it’s up to me to accept that and move forward to create a new normal for myself.
And with that being said, you showed me that life can truly make a full circle in some aspects of your life. You showed me that I wasn’t this weird awkward girl that had no friends; that all I had to do was just express myself and be myself without worrying people will be judging me. You showed me that if love truly is meant to be, you try it again and if it works out, it works out. You showed me how it felt to be stupidly happy every single day of my life. You showed me that sometimes not all hard work will lead you down the path you wanted to go, but instead destined to go. You showed me that I could graduate college and being the first of my family to do so even though I’ve thought about dropping out a couple of times. You showed me that a new chapter was starting in my life, and not always do you bring what you have to that next chapter.
You showed me that not all that glitters is gold. You showed me that me faking happiness to relive when I was isn’t going to erase the feeling of loss and loneliness. You showed me that my number one priority should always be myself, so when I ignored it for the duration of my grad school years, you showed me just how low I can go in regards to my mental health. You showed me that it was okay to stick up for myself, for views to change, to wants and needs to change and that I couldn’t stay the same forever. You showed me just how fast I was growing up, and you showed me as the days and years pass by that you were not waiting for me to get my shit together.
You showed me that I am a motherfucking boss and can do whatever I put my mind to! You showed me how accomplishment felt like; to sit out in the rainy weather in my Master’s gown showed me that I was capable of anything and everything. But, you showed my work always had to get done, that celebrations end and reality kicks in, that people will expect me to be the best of the best with a fresh new degree in my hand, that this degree made me mentally sick. You showed me it was okay to ask for help, that it wasn’t a sign of weakness to see a therapist and talk about everything going on in life. You showed me that my outbursts and behavior have reasoning behind it, whether it was just a reaction to something completely normal or it was a sign of social anxiety disorder and major depression. You showed me that people will not always see the changes you want for yourself because it means that they don’t know you anymore, and you showed me that it was okay; that sometimes people are just meant to go, no matter what stage of life you are in.
By the end of this decade, you showed me just a sneak peek of what my adulthood decade will be like. You showed me that the things I let slide or didn’t care about in the past now are major things I now require as a sign of self-respect. You showed me how it can feel to finally be confident after a decade of boys that just wanted the “fat girl experience” or only wanted to talk to you just to hook up with your friend. You showed me that I can be loved, that I can be hated, and regardless of the situation or how I feel about them, I cannot control other people. You showed me how it felt to go through my very first heartbreak over a breakup. You showed me that no matter what length of time, I grow out of people and people will grow out of me. You showed me that the hardest decisions are the best decisions, not just for you personally, but for all parties involved. You showed me destiny is destiny, and no matter how hard I try fighting it, it will come out in different ways. You showed me the importance of listening to my soul and that no matter how you feel and what logics you have behind it to back it up, if the soul is telling you something, you best to believe her. You showed me the importance of friendship and how being social isn’t such a negative thing; it’s possibly the happiest thing I do in my life at the end of this decade. You showed me to let me know what to bring, what to live by, and what I need to learn as the new decade begins.
You showed me a lot during my youth. Youth, I may be a late bloomer to a lot of things; I may not be ready to settle down and get married and do all of the adult things most people my age are doing, but as long as I’m making progress within myself, there’s no milestone for growth.
Who knows what my adulthood will show me; maybe it will show me that how to properly travel the world, how to take care of my body, how to not be afraid of letting love in again; who knows? I just know that you, my Youth, is something I will always hold close to my heart. You are pure, innocent, adventurous, rebellious, and beautiful.
Thank you for teaching me everything you did, and thank you for helping me live this far into my life.
Cheers to my youth.
Christmas Eve: A Retrospect of 2019.
Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz.
For the past two years, I’ve written posts reflecting back on my year on Christmas Eve; it’s only right since next week we’ll be counting down the start of 2020! How crazy is that?
2019 was definitely a year I think I needed to have in order to start the rest of my life. This year needed to happen so that I was able to close this decade out and start a new one. It feels surreal, y’ know? I feel like I’m not living in my own body anymore but in a good way! It truly feels like I’m maturing and growing out of the shell that was this decade. It wasn’t an easy transition to get through; in some aspects, I’m still trying to get used to it, but I don’t regret what this year has taught me.
- Your soul will never stop protecting you and telling you what’s best for you, so listen to it. A lot of the things that changed about me this past year came from the fact that my soul has told me enough was enough in a lot of areas in life. It has told me that it’s time to take care of myself, love myself, and discover myself in its purest form. A lot of the things I’ve tolerated within the last decade I don’t tolerate anymore, and it’s caused me to adjust myself and my relationships with people to take care of my soul. I wrote a post about listening to your soul a month ago, and it’s honestly the one thing I will always take with me as my life lives on.
- Embrace the things that ultimately make you happy, no matter how quirky, uncommon, or weird they may be to your outside world. Don’t be ashamed of them either! Currently, the one thing that constantly makes me happy no matter what is my love and interest for Kpop, and towards the beginning of the year, I was ashamed of sharing that interest out loud. I didn’t want to be seen as a “koreaboo”, a “person appropriating Korean culture”, or just a person with some sort of “Asian fetish”. After a while, after getting an opportunity to reintroduce myself to the world, I’ve made it very apparent that Kpop makes me really happy and it’s continuously saving me from a lot of dark thoughts and moments. As a matter of fact, I’ve embraced my love for it so much, I even got a tattoo to symbolize my love for it.
- Heartbreak is inevitable, and no matter what you’ll get through it. Back in August, my ex and I decided that it was best for us to end our relationship after being on-and-off for the last 10 years. He was my best friend, first love, first everything truly, and when the breakup first happened, it was one of the hardest things I’ve dealt with since my grandfather’s death back in 2018. A week after our breakup, I self-harmed myself for the first time in six years just because the physical pain felt better than the emotional pain from everything that was happening at that time in my life. Although it’s something I’ll probably deal with for another couple of months, I know it was the best for both of us. I’m doing a lot better now, and I will always cherish my first relationship for the rest of my life. I’ll never regret it, and I’ll always have mad love for the person who’ve lived this last decade growing with me.
- Challenge the things that you thought you’d never be able to do; you never know the outcome of things! For the majority of the year, I was job-hunting, unsuccessful due to the lack of work experience I had (I was in school for 6 years straight) and everything I wanted to do required some work experience doing something. After a while, I was losing confidence in finding a job, until my partner at the time suggested I should try doing a “less stressful” type of retail, like a bookstore. Luckily enough, my old college bookstore was looking for people to hire, and one phone interview later, I was hired! I’m so grateful for the job I have at the bookstore; my managers are the sweetest people ever, my co-workers are more so my friends now, and this job has honestly helped get through these last couple of months efficiently. They may not know this, but these people saved my life, and I will always be thankful for challenging my social anxiety fears and going for it.
2019 was the year of tons of ups and downs, but it wasn’t a bad year. I’ve gained confidence in ways I never knew I was capable of being, I did things I never thought I was able to do; I truly challenged my comfort zone this year, and I’m so proud of myself for doing so!
So farewell, 2019. Thank you for teaching me lessons I will carry for the rest of my life, and thank you for allowing me the space to embrace the things I never thought I would in my life. Thank you.
Be good to me, 2020.
Why I Embrace My Anxiety Attacks Instead of Fearing Them.
Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!
So, if you didn’t know this little fact about me despite me being very vocal about it on my blog, I have SAD, or social anxiety disorder. It differs from normal anxiety because of my behavior and patterns are symptoms of a more clinical anxiety disorder. I was diagnosed with it a little over a year ago, and since then I’ve been finding new ways to live with this newfound information as normal as possible, while still trying to take care of myself.
At first, it was very difficult to adapt to the news because it was now something I had to learn to accept myself, as well as be accepting enough to it so that those around me can accept it as well. At first, it was hard to do both, and because of that, my anxiety attacks were through the fuckin’ roof. It had gotten to the point where I was having anxiety about my own damn anxiety, which I learned is quite common in people who are first diagnosed with it.
So as the months passed by, I’ve had lesser anxiety attacks, but they didn’t just disappear. They would happen at the most random times of the day; after dinner, at my former partner’s place, at night before bed, and even moments after I laughed at the funniest joke ever. Talking to my therapist about my fear of having anxiety attacks, she spoke a lot to me about embracing them and take them as learning lessons in why you feel that way you do and how you can acknowledge these feelings better before the anxiety attack phase of them happens.
So, as I’m sitting here writing this, I’ve haven’t had a major anxiety attack for a couple of months now. That was until I was on my way home from work yesterday.
You see, sometimes my anxiety doesn’t like for me to be myself, and as I’ve gotten more comfortable in my work environment, I’ve been even more myself, which sometimes my anxiety tells me that its “annoying” or “obnoxious” and that I’m truly “unlikable”. It’s those things that hold me back from being my complete self, but I guess I thought I was confident enough with myself at work to the point I was being even more myself.
Does that make sense?
Anyway, on Friday at my job, we had a little somewhat holiday lunch to wrap up the semester and celebrate the holidays, which I was very excited and happy to finally be a part of such a community in the first place. While we all are pretty comfortable with each other and with ourselves, we pretty much talk very casually to one other; we are all truly friends and co-workers I believe. So, while everything went well and I left my job feeling pretty happy and content, my anxiety crept up on me, telling me “your co-workers probably talk behind your back about how annoying you are, y’ know? They probably talk about how hard you try to fit in with their younger crowd; ew, you’ve turned into one of those old people that are still trying to be young and cool to young people. Get a grip, these people are only nice to you because they work with you, they aren’t your friends.”
I don’t know why I think these things, to be honest. Maybe it’s not even me thinking them; maybe it is the anxiety behavior and patterns I have when it comes to socializing with people. My anxiety makes me believe that no one likes me and that people are only nice to me because they don’t want to hurt my feelings, as well as I’m not really friend-material; I am easily forgotten. So, with my anxiety telling me that just moments after I leave for work, I have an anxiety attack.
I’m not ashamed of having them anymore, because although my anxiety can be wrong at times, I also believe it happens because it is telling me something, or reminding me of something. While yes, these people I work with are like friends to me and I like them a lot, I have to remind myself that this is my job first, and there are boundaries I have to have with these people. I’m not saying I can’t be myself around these people, but I have to remind myself that we aren’t in an outside setting, we are at work, and some level of professionalism still needs to be at play. Also, I have to remind myself that even though I like them a lot (more on that on the posts about demiromanticism), there are still boundaries that have to be enforced. Going into work next week, I can now still be myself to some degree and still feel comfortable enough to the point where I feel confident in the little quirky things about me.
It’s a very weird explanation, but I wouldn’t have had this talk with myself about this topic if I didn’t have that anxiety attack. While it was helpful to regather myself in this situation, it also allowed me to take a deep breath and remind myself that these people, whether they talk about me or not when I’m not around, I’m still being the best version of myself and that it’s okay if not everyone you like will like you back. You have to put in the work and ask yourself what are the positive things about this anxiety attack and what are the negatives about it as well.
Fearing your anxiety attacks and preventing them from happening will only further hurt you and your healing process. Holding in anxiety attacks is like trying to bottle up all of your emotions: if you avoid them enough times, it will spill over and create an even bigger mess than it would’ve been if you just dealt with it at that moment. If you fear to have anxiety attacks, they will just happen more often than usual, I’ve been there and it fucking sucks.
Half of your healing process is to prevent the fear and outcomes of certain scenarios in life. Your fears may come true, but they may also not; life is uncertain and you have to let your anxiety know that you will be okay, no matter what.
What’s to Come on Letters From Liz!
Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!
How is everyone’s little holiday break going? If you’re one of the lucky ones that have the entire holiday week off, I envy you. I literally have to go back to work tomorrow and Friday, which to come and think of it, that’s not even bad so what am I talking about?
Anyway, Christmas is officially creeping upon us, which means that the Twelve Letters of Lizmas are coming to an end. I hope you guys enjoyed reading this year’s content as much as I enjoyed writing it, despite me having one of the craziest weeks of work and having to spend my lunch breaks on writing content; I guess that’s a writer’s life for you!
Every year on Christmas, I used that day to talk about some of the future plans for the blog regarding content, schedule changes, new year goals, whatever the case may be. This year’s Christmas post is a little bit different, so I’m letting you guys know a little earlier that once the Twelve Letters of Lizmas concludes, the blog will be going on a mini-hiatus to prepare for our next big event:
The Letters From Liz Anniversary Celebration!
For those who are new to the blog, Letters From Liz was once called TNTH (Today’s News, Tomorrow’s Headline) and on January 9th, 2017, I launched this blog in celebration of my 23rd birthday, as well as a new beginning to my writing craft & passion. Technically, the name change happened in February of this year, but the blog officially launched in January, and every year we write content for 9 days straight leading up the blog’s birthday (and mine).
The blog will be turning 3 while I’ll be turning 26. I am not ready.
Anyway, the LFL Anniversary Celebration will begin on WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 1ST, 2020 @ 12 NOON! Relax and take care of that New Year’s Eve hangover by checking out the blog!
I’ll see you guys then, and I hope you enjoy the rest of the Lizmas content coming your way this week!
Letters From Liz. 