Author: liz

A couple of years ago…

Jamie stands with his luggage at Incheon International Airport; he bounces his leg in nervousness while waiting to board the plane. His two friends, Shawn and Kevin, roll their luggage to sit next to Jamie.

Shawn: You look nervous, Hyung.

Jamie: Why would I be nervous?

Kevin: Well for starters, you’re sweating like you ran a marathon before coming here.

Jamie: It is the middle of summer…

Kevin: But the Air-Con is on high in the airport. Weren’t you in America once before?

Jamie: Yeah, but not for business. This is the first time we’re handling a case overseas and… I don’t know, what if things go wrong there?

Shawn: You can’t win every case you get. Besides, it’s an all-expenses-paid trip to America; New York to be exact!

Shawn starts to poorly sing “Empire State of Mind” by Jay-Z and Alicia Keys. Kevin places his hand on Shawn’s arm to stop him from singing.

Kevin: You should make the most of this trip; who knows what could happen while we’re there.

Shawn: *gasps* Imagine how beautiful and exotic the women are in America!

Jamie: *annoyed* We are going to do a job, Shawn; not to pick up any women.

Kevin: Forget about that… I think this would be good for you to get out of Korea for a couple of months. Y’know, to get your mind off of things.

Jamie doesn’t answer back, but the stewardess begins to call people to board the plane. When the class of the three men is announced to aboard, they grab their things and walk towards the entrance of the plane.

Jamie: *sigh* Might as well make the most of this trip…

Present day…

It’s roughly 7pm in New York City; the JFK airport is scattered with different travelers going to different parts of the world, strolling their suitcases around the terminal while walking to their gates. There stands Jamie with his suitcases, waiting at the gate that will take him back home. He paces back and forth, looking outside of the gate where the plane is. There’s some light rain hitting the glass of the window. Jamie turns around and sees Shawn and Kevin sitting near their luggage. Jamie walks over to the guys and sits back down. He begins to bounce his leg in place.

Shawn: Hyung, are you okay?

Jamie: *short* I’m fine.

Shawn: You don’t sound like you’re fine–

Jamie: Ya, I said I’m okay!

Shawn doesn’t say anything else, but now Kevin’s attention is drawn to the conversation.

Kevin: Jaemin hyung’s probably not happy to go back to Korea…

Jamie: No, I wish I stayed in Korea the last time and just moved on with my life.

Kevin: You don’t mean that.

Jamie: *to Kevin* You know, for someone who doesn’t live with me or spends their every second with me, you think you know how I’m feeling and what I’m going through.

Kevin: No, you’re just so predictable these days.

Jamie: No, you’re just intrusive.

Jamie gets up from his seat to move to another one, away from Kevin.

Kevin: If you wanted to stay in Korea all this time, you would’ve stayed for Seohyun.

Shawn: *shocked* Kevin!

Jamie turns around and grabs Kevin by the collar, immediately lifting him from the seat. Shawn is shouting at Jamie, trying to keep the peace.

Jamie: I’m tired of you bringing up irrelevant things, Kevin.

Kevin: You know I’m right, hyung; you wouldn’t be so distraught that I did.

Shawn: Hyung, please! We’re going to get kicked out and we need to get on this flight back home!

Jamie lets go of Kevin and walks away from the seated gate. Kevin straightens himself out before walking towards Jamie.

Shawn: Ya, give him some time.

Kevin: That’s the thing, we don’t have much time left.

Kevin proceeds to walk towards Jamie.

Jamie sits in a cafe, where he proceeds to buy an Iced Americano. Kevin walks into the cafe and spots Jamie. Jamie sees Kevin standing at the table and scoffs.

Jamie: You have some nerve coming here after what just happened.

Kevin: I’ve had worse. *sincere* Hyung, you haven’t been the same since Grace told you what happened. I know you probably haven’t tried speaking to her either.

Jamie: What’s the point? She’s just another woman in my past.

Kevin: But she’s more than just that. You love her.

Jamie: Well, I was stupid for loving her.

Kevin: No, you still do. Hyung, remember when we first went to America for that case? The first time you met Grace? You were dreading coming to America because you thought you were making the wrong choice. Seohyun told you that it was either her or your job, and you chose your job. You loved her, but something still made you leave Korea at that time.

Jamie: Seohyun and I weren’t even dating when that happened.

Kevin: Yet you chose to leave in spite of potentially working things out with her. You had a choice to pick the case overseas.

Jamie: Well, I’m going back now. For good.

Kevin: Hyung, if you leave now, you will probably never get to see Grace again. You’re going to go back home and regret losing her. You already know how it felt to lose her for a year, and I know you don’t want to feel that way forever when you get back to Korea.

Jamie holds his head with his hands. He’s tired, frustrated, and confused. He runs his fingers through his hair and sighs.

Jamie: I feel like I already lost her.

Kevin: How? You’re still in America.

Jamie looks at Kevin, deep in his own thoughts.

Jamie: I can’t go back, Kevin. I can’t just leave.

Kevin smiles as Jamie gets up from his seat and power-walks to the gate. Kevin follows right behind him.

Back at the gate, Shawn spots Jamie and Kevin walking back. He gets up from his seat.

Shawn: Is everything okay?

Jamie starts to gather his luggage; Shawn is confused.

Shawn: Hyung, what are you doing? The flight isn’t for another hour.

Jamie: I’m not going.

Shawn: *shokced* What?!

Jamie: I can’t go, not yet.

Shawn: But we have to make this flight! It’s what our company paid for!

Kevin: Jaemin hyung has got something he needs to do.

Shawn looks at Kevin, and then looks at Jamie.

Jamie: I have to go to Grace.

Jamie rushes out the gate area with his luggage, in which both Shawn and Kevin cheer for Jamie in his adventure.

…

Back in the city, Jamie rushes into an apartment building, the one that grace lives in. He knows where he’s going, and he immediately takes the elevator up to Grace’s floor. When the doors open, he rushes out and runs towards Grace’s front door. He proceeds to knock on the door.

Jamie: Grace? Grace, are you in there?

He bangs on the door louder.

Jamie: Grace? Please open up, I… I need to talk to you.

There’s no answer. Jamie puts his ear to the door and notices that no sound is coming from inside the apartment as well. He tries to think where else she would be. He runs towards the elevator to keep looking.

…

Ari and Dean share a nice movie date sitting on their sofa under some blankets. Suddenly, the door begins to knock. The couple look at each other, clearly confused on who it could be. Dean gets up from the sofa to answer the door. When he does, he sees Jamie standing there, practically drenched in rain water. Jamie notices that it’s Dean, whom he’s never met before. He bows politely to greet him.

Jamie: Hi, I’m sorry for showing up unannounced, I-I was just wondering if Ari was here?

Dean sternly looks at Jamie, not amused that another man is here to see Ari.

Dean: Look man, it’s pretty late…

Jamie: I know, and I’m so sorry for doing this but, I really need to talk to Ari–

Ari: Jamie?

Ari notices Jamie when she walks towards the front door. Dean looks at Ari.

Ari: *looks at Dean* He knows Grace.

Dean’s face softens and nods.

Ari: What are you doing here?

Jamie: Sorry, I’l be on my way, but I tried to go to Grace’s apartment, but it seems like she wasn’t there and I just wanted to know if you knew where I could find her?

Ari doesn’t say anything at first, but Jamie continues to talk.

Jamie: I thought maybe she was staying with you or another friend, and I just really need to talk to her. I was suppose to go back to Korea tonight but, I couldn’t go without talking to her first so, is Grace here?

Ari’s face grows concern, and then sudden sadness. Jamie picks up on it.

Jamie: What? Where’s Grace? Did something happen to her?!

Ari tries to form her sentences correctly. She looks up at Jamie, and begins to speak softly.

Ari: Grace left New York. She’s not here anymore.

Jamie’s face drops down, and tears begin to form in his eyes from not blinking in a couple of seconds. He doesn’t know what to think at this point. He’s in a state of shock, regret, and for once; he doesn’t know what he’s going to do next.

-End of Season 1-

The snow slowly melts as warmer days appear in New York City. Grace, who is wearing boots and her peacoat for one of the last times of the season, walks down a quiet block in Brooklyn. She looks around at the small family homes in the area, remembering hanging out in Brooklyn with Emerson and their mutual friend after school when she was studying here. She smiles at the thought and instantly takes a deep breath to blow it away from her memory.

She stops in front of a small house. She looks at her phone to check the address. It’s the correct address.

Twelve Years Ago…

A young, teenage girl is heard yelling at a boy, who is laughing while she does. The girl takes snow in her bare hands and tosses it to the boy laughing. He instantly stops laughing as the pile of snow is now on his face and the girl starts to laugh.

Grace: I told you that you don’t wanna mess with me!

Emerson: *upset* Yeah, but I didn’t throw a whole pound of snow in your face!

Grace: *laughs* Yo, but it was too funny!

Grace continues to laugh. Emerson takes snow off of the ground and begins to form a snowball. Grace sees the snowball and runs towards Scott, their other friend.

Grace: Ahhh! Scott, save me!

Scott covers Grace and Emerson sucks his teeth. He puts the snowball down on the ground.

Emerson: That’s not even fair! Scott likes you, of course, he’s on your side!

Scott and Grace look at each other, trying to keep in their smiles. Emerson sighs loudly.

Emerson: Whatever happened to “bros before hoes”?

Grace: *snappy* I know you just didn’t call me a hoe, because if you did, your whole body would be face down on the ground!

Emerson: *defensive* Not like that, I–

Grace begins to laugh and Emerson rolls his eyes. The three friends stop in front of a house; Emerson’s house. They lean against the railing of the steps, not caring how cold it was getting.

Scott: You know you’re still my homie, Em.

Emerson: Well this homie is feeling neglected lately…

Scott: *teases* I’ll make sure to keep our relationship up just for you!

Grace laughs and Emerson huffs and puffs. The teenagers calm down and sit in silence when Emerson’s mom calls him inside the house for a moment. Emerson walks into the house, leaving Scott and Grace outside. The two once-smiley teens now stand there, sullen.

…

Grace’s shoulder is tapped, which makes her turn around in an instant. She takes a sigh of relief. Scott stands there, smiling down at her.

Scott: I didn’t mean to startle you.

Grace: It’s okay, I wasn’t really paying attention to anything anyway…

Scott stands next to her and stares at the house.

Grace: When did Em and his family move out of here?

Scott: Man… it was so long ago… had to have been after we graduated?

Grace nods her head.

Grace: It’s sad, knowing a lot of my first memories in New York were here on this stoop.

Scott: *laughs* You’re not wrong.

Grace doesn’t say anything at first. She looks at Scott for the first time since they met up. He looks older, but not in a bad way. He looks like he’s found his path in life. Like he’s got what he needed out of this life. Grace sighs.

Grace: Do you remember that day that I told you I was going back to Virginia?

Scott: I did. My 17-year-old self was crushed.

Grace: Did you miss me when I was gone?

Scott tilts his head in confusion.

Scott: Of course I did.

Grace looks at the house again.

Grace: I asked because… well, if we weren’t teenagers, would you have come for me? Like, would you have made the trip to come to see me?

Scott scuffs, adjusting his position.

Scott: Where is this coming from?

Grace turns her whole body back towards Scott, looking directly up at him.

Grace: I’m leaving New York.

Scott looks uncomfortable, not able to answer Grace right away. She looks away.

Grace: I’m sorry I even asked…

Scott: Grace–

Before Grace walks away, she stops and looks at Scott once again.

Scott: … if we were older when we were dating, of course, I would’ve come after you. *shakes his head* But I don’t understand where this is coming from and–

Grace: I haven’t left New York since I’ve been back, Scott. I feel like I’m not even home in the city anymore. How is this house, a complete stranger’s house, bring more comfort than my own home? Because I was happy standing here, with my friends, being in a place that was far away from my actual home in Virginia. I’ve been in the city for so long, and I feel like I’m drowning in it.

Scott takes in Grace’s confession. He thinks before he speaks.

Scott: So you’re going back to Virginia? But aren’t your parents here in New York?

Grace: I don’t know where I’m going but… I need to leave. To get me back. And I don’t know how t tell anyone that I’m leaving beside you because I never had to say that I’m leaving to anyone in my life… *whispers* only people have told me goodbye.

Scott exhales and stuffs his hands in his pockets.

Scott: Well, I’m going to tell you what I told you all those years ago. Go after what feels right for you, and if New York ever feels right for you in the future, then come back. But, you are not obligated to stay in the city just because this was home.

He pauses before he continues.

Scott: Willow is getting older. You don’t have to prove yourself a good mom, you know. You already did the damn deed of co-parenting her for the first couple of years of her life.

Grace’s eyes water, but no tears come down.

Scott: Go and find your home, Grace. Wherever that may be.

Grace looks at Scott and grabs to hug him. They share a hug for a moment.

There’s still too much work to do before calling it a night.

I closed the file and tossed it on the coffee table. It’s like the more I get through this case, the more work that needs to be done. I haven’t been able to focus on this case for a couple of weeks now, and all I want is for it to be over so I can go back home. It was a mistake to come back here. I should’ve just stayed in Korea and worked on some other case there. I came back for her, and I instantly regretted coming back.

I get up from the sofa and walk towards the kitchen. Nothing but alcohol surrounds the kitchen counter. I’m not even a big drinker, but it’s just easier to be drunk and pass out to just wake up the next day and start all over again. I told her she couldn’t live that way, yet I do the same.

I take the bottles of alcohol and begin to empty them out in the sink. One by one, they empty and go down the drain of the sink. I toss out each bottle and walk back to the fridge to eat something. Nothing is in there. I sighed, closing the fridge.

It’s not even that late in the night yet. It’s about 7:30 and yet I’m ready to just fall asleep. You can’t lose yourself, Jamie. I shut my eyes momentarily and all I see is her. Grace. Confessing to what she did when I was back home.

All of a sudden, there’s a knock on the door. I opened my eyes, looking towards the front door. I wasn’t expecting anyone, and the only people that would come over are–

“Hyung! I know you’re in there!” Shawn. I sighed and walked towards the door and opened it. Standing in the hallway is both Shawn and Kevin; they both sigh once they see me at the door.

“Hyung!” Both Shawn and Kevin say at the same time.

“What are you doing here?” I said emotionless, scratching my head in confusion.

“We came to check on you,” Kevin answered. He clearly looked more annoyed than concerned.

“Thank you, but I’m fine,” I said and began to turn back into the apartment. While closing the door, I hear the door being stopped by someone’s hands. I turn around and see Kevin’s hand on the door. He walks in, with Shawn nervously following him. I rolled my eyes, walking towards the kitchen to get a pot to boil some water.

“If you guys came here for food, I don’t have any,” I said, not looking back at them. I turned around and see them look around the apartment.

“Hyung,” Shawn starts off. “Your apartment is–“

“Filthy,” Kevin continued. I look at Kevin, not in the mood to deal with his shit. Shawn nudges Kevin on the shoulder.

“Kevin!”

“What? I’m being honest. Hyung’s never been this dirty in his life.” Kevin said. I sighed loudly, walking away from the two and into the living room. I begin to pick things up from the floor and toss them in closets, out of the guys’ way.

“Hyung,” Shawn timidly said. I turned around to look at him. He looked nervous. “Are you still mad at us?”

“For what?” I asked. I turn back around and continue to tidy the place up. Shawn doesn’t say anything after that; Kevin does.

“You’ve been distant since the whole night thing with Grace–“

“Ya,” I angrily interrupted. “Stop telling lies.”

“It’s true though,” Shawn finally says. “It’s like you’ve been mad at us for calling you about…” He doesn’t continue, but he knows not to. Kevin on the other hand continues. It’s typical of Kevin to push my buttons.

“About Grace when she was drunk. What the hell happened that night?” Kevin questioned.

“It doesn’t matter,” I answered, moving things to their appropriate place.

“Hyung cut the bullshit,” Kevin said without any emotion behind it. This was the first time Kevin has ever spoken to me like that. I’m his senior, he was just an incoming student when I was about to finish my studies in law school. I don’t know if I should be shocked or mad at Kevin’s response. Clearly, Shawn is shocked at the vulgarity of Kevin’s words.

“Remember who you’re talking to,” I simply replied.

“We’re in America; I’m talking to you as a friend,” Kevin snapped back. “We knew you were able to help her that night, so that’s why we called you.”

“You think I’m mad at you two for calling me to help her?”

“Well, you sure haven’t been around since then.”

“We are working on a case, Kevin.”

“Hyung,” Kevin simply said. “What happened between you and Grace? Didn’t you want to take the case in America to see Grace?” I shut my eyes; I didn’t want to talk about this anymore, but Kevin wouldn’t drop it.

“Jaemin Hyung?” Kevin asked, annoyed.

“Look, it was a mistake to come back here. All I want to do is finish this dumb case and go back home. That’s all.”

“Bullshit,” Kevin spat. Shawn widens his eyes, still shocked at Kevin’s behavior. “Something happened with Grace. What happened? She’s married now? Engaged? Why are you so upset whenever we bring up Grace?”

I couldn’t handle it anymore. That night kept flashing back, her repeating what she did when I was back home. I felt sick to my stomach again, and I wanted nothing more than to forget that night. But, I can’t; I don’t think I’ll ever forget what was said that night. With Kevin hounding me for details, I grew furious. I dropped whatever was in my head and walked straight to him. Shawn was scared; Kevin didn’t budge.

“Grace had an abortion when I was back in Korea. She was pregnant with my child and she didn’t tell me. She killed it before ever telling me.” I said, emotionless. I turned away, not caring if Kevin or Shawn were still standing there. It took a while for them to say something back. To my surprise, it’s Shawn that starts the conversation.

“Maybe Grace had her reasons…” Shawn finally started to say, timid at first.

“Grace probably didn’t have any other choice but to do that,” Kevin said. I was still furious, but hearing Kevin side with the person who literally broke my fucking heart was infuriating.

“She could’ve told me, goddammit!” I yelled. The words echoed through the walls of the apartment.

“Did you talk to her about it?” Kevin asked.

“Kevin, I don’t wanna keep talking about this!” I exploded at him. The thing about Kevin is that he’s never phased with any outbursts or anyone visibly mad at him. I guess that’s what makes him a good lawyer; he knows how to keep his composure in difficult situations.

“And that’s what keeps you from ever working things out with people you love. Remember Seohyun? Literally, you lost her because you didn’t want to talk to her about what’s been bothering her–“

“Leave her out of this. Seohyun isn’t Grace,” I muttered.

“You’re right. You are actually in love with Grace,” Kevin deadpanned. I didn’t say anything after that; I simply didn’t have anything else to say. Grace has always been different than Seohyun, but I never knew why. Either way, both women aren’t something of mine anymore…

“You should talk to her,” Shawn finally said. “Maybe she has a reason why she did what she did…”

“She would’ve told me when we were together,” I said.

“Yeah? And what were you going to do about it all the way across the world?” Kevin questioned. “Hyung, this isn’t like how they deal with these things in Korea. You can’t be mad at her for why she did what she did.”

“She could’ve told me, Kevin! We were clearly still a couple when this happened, so why couldn’t she just tell me that this happening?! I would’ve come to the states to work things out with her, I would’ve helped her! But she didn’t even bother communicating with me the whole time I was even in Korea!” All the frustration I had about this was getting me physically ill. I didn’t know how to handle my unborn child not being important enough for Grace to keep it. It felt like she didn’t care about me doing that like my opinion or my side of things didn’t matter. I didn’t know how to feel, because, on one hand, I understand she did what she thought was best. She wasn’t ready to be a mother to another child. But I didn’t understand why she couldn’t tell me.

“You gotta ask her that,” Kevin simply answered. “There are so many things that had to contribute to this decision. Grace wouldn’t hurt you on purpose, but maybe she physically couldn’t do this for another person. She needed to do something for herself.” The thought of reaching out to Grace to talk about this felt impossible. On one hand, I don’t want to ever see her again, because seeing her again would just open up the wounds I tried so hard to close within the last year. But… Kevin was right; I absolutely loved her, and I have to know what happened. Why. How. I just couldn’t let myself see Grace be this horrible person in my eyes. She’s human, despite how perfect she wants to be.

I took a deep breath and sat on the sofa. I hold my head in my hands, eventually covering my face. I just start sobbing. I don’t move, or breathe; I just allow the tears to come down my face because that’s honestly all I can give out right now. Shawn and Kevin walk to where I am sitting and immediately hug me for comfort. I’m grateful for these two, but I can’t think about anything else besides the what if’s between Grace and me. What if I was here for her? What if she kept it? What if we got married and had our little family? The questions are endless, and I feel like I already lost her due to my lack of assertiveness and fighting for what I truly want. I always wanted Grace, but now it’s too late to even think that to be a possibility.

I just don’t know how much more i can take from Grace hurting me.

The Winter was never the best season for me. It was the time of year when things got too complicated; family was suppose to be the most important thing in your lives and the holiday season was meant for gratefulness and all that shit that I couldn’t ever have.

I was tired of feeling sorry for myself. I was tired of not being able to just take the step forward and get my life together. I didn’t want to live the rest of my life knowing these regrets would be the only thing about me.

Seeing my mother being able to come back to my dad after her regrets made me realize how things aren’t always lost in the world, that things can be forgiven and lives are able to move on from the bad. My mother swallowed her pride and came back to the city to undo her wrongdoings and now she has back everything she once thought was gone forever.

But, I was different. My mistakes were different. My regrets felt like they were too out of my control to try and undo them. In a way, I felt like the product of a mistake that only ever made mistakes of her own, hurting people in the process…

I shut my eyes and flashback to the last couple of years of my life. I worked at a law firm and thought that was what mattered the most in life, until I met Max and things got complicated. I still remember being at the firm covering up my growing belly with chunky cardigans and dresses just so that people wouldn’t ask me or notice anything weird between Max and I. The firm was all I knew back then, and the thought of a child now being in the way of that terrified me. Max couldn’t do anything about it, no matter how hard he tried to get me to take care of myself for the sake of our kid. It was selfish of me to really overwork my body when it wasn’t just mine anymore. I know how worried Max got when it landed me in the hospital after the case was finished. Things weren’t the same after that night; they never were.

“Grace Ashmore?” A woman calls out from the reception desk. I opened my eyes and immediately got up from my chair. The door opens next to the desk and I walk into it. It’s about time, Grace.

I walked down the hall of offices; most of the doors were closed besides this one particular office. I already know this was the office I had to walk into. I took a deep breath and lightly knocked on the door. The woman sitting at her desk looks up at me and gets up from her desk. She smiles and greets me.

“Hi, Grace; I’m Dr. Davis. It’s nice to meet you,” She softly greeted. She extended her arm to shake my hand, in which I quickly shake her hand back. She smiles and guides me towards the seats at the other side of her office. I nervously sit down in one of the seats, placing my coat on the seat next to me. Dr. Davis closes the door of her office and sits across from me.

“It takes a lot for people to go and get any type of help they may need, so you being here today is a great step forward,” Dr. Davis reassured. I faintly smiled and took a deep breath has Dr. Davis gathered her paperwork. Is this really happening? Am I really here about to just pour my issues to a complete stranger?

“So, tell me a little about yourself,” Dr. Davis asked. I crossed my legs on the seat and began to fidget with my fingers.

“Uhm, well… I live in the city and run a dance academy in midtown…” I didn’t know what else to say besides that. I mean, who I am if not my job at this point? What else do I have in my life that says otherwise?

“Oh wow, that sounds interesting. Have you always been a dancer?” Dr. Davis asked.

“I got back into the business about a year ago.”

“Oh, what did you do before?”

“I was a lawyer,” I said, swallowing hard right afterwards. I already knew there was going to be some sort of judgment once I said that; it always does. It’s like people look at me when I say that for the first time and think I did some unethical thing to stop being a lawyer. Nope, I just was fucking my life up some more because of the job.

“How was being a lawyer like for you?” I looked at Dr. Davis, kind of shocked she didn’t ask me the typical “oh what happened” questions. Maybe she knows that’s not how to go about things. She is a therapist after all.

“It was a lot of work,” I started. “After law school, I jumped right into a firm and got put on a trial case.”

“That must’ve been a lot for you, considering you were just out of school,” Dr. Davis responded.

“Tell me about it. But, it was an… experience.”

“So what was the change of heart?” There we go. There’s the big ole question, just formatted in a more polite way.

I adjusted in my seat and gathered my thoughts. What truly was the reason I quit the firm? It couldn’t have been my health; if my health was what got in the way of my job, I would’ve left a long time ago; right after I found out I was pregnant with Willow. But it wasn’t.

Willow. I had to ask myself if I quit my job because of her. I want to say it was, to get that “good mother” compliment mothers get when they sacrifice themselves for the sake of their children. But again, if that was the case, I would’ve left a long time ago. I’d be living with Willow, being her full-time mother instead of her part-time one.

“I left for me,” I just said. “I wasn’t the healthiest when working at the law firm.” Dr. Davis starts typing things into her computer, and I immediately get aggravated. “Oh what? You’re going to be one of those people writing everything that I say down?” Dr. Davis looks up at me and stops typing.

“Not everything, just the important things for your record,” she politely answers. I don’t say anything back, I just cross my arms across my chest and sit there. “Let’s talk about your personal life; do you have any children?”

“Yep,” I said with no emotion. She’s not about to have me sitting in this chair talking about the one thing I hate talking about to complete strangers. Of course, she writes it down.

“Sons? Daughters?”

“Daughter.”

“That’s nice, and how old is she?”

“She’ll be 4 on April 16th,” I answered her. I really wanted to get off this topic, but–

“Married?” Ugh. I close into my body and begin to shift uncomfortably in the seat. This is the worst part of therapy; having a therapist get to know all your flaws and all your fuck ups and use them against you when you’re having a mental breakdown. It’s why I stopped going to one in the first place.

“No,” I coldly answered. Dr. Davis continues to type on her computer, and occasionally looks at me. Once she stops typing, she turns her chair to face me now.

“On your evaluation, you stated you and your daughter’s father co-parent. She lives with her father, correct?” Dr. Davis said.

“If it’s in the file, then it’s in the file,” I replied.

“But I would like to hear it from you.”

“Well the file is correct,” I spat out. I was ready to leave. I didn’t want to get into this; not just yet.

“And what’s your daughter’s name?” I stopped when she asked. Why is this the hardest thing to talk about?

“Willow,” I quickly answered.

“What a lovely name; was it inspired by a relative?

“No.”

Dr. Davis continued to type on her computer. I felt like I couldn’t breathe in that office anymore. I felt like this was the worst idea I’ve had in while. Who the hell was I kidding, thinking this was actually going to work this time? Nothing was going to change anything; I was destined to just be this way for the rest of my likfe.

I began to gather my things; I was done talking to this woman about my life. She stood up from her chair and spoke.

“Grace,” she started. “I’m not here to make you talk about things you don’t want to talk about. I would like to get to know you and have you become comfortable in this space, in hopes that one day you are ready to talk about things that you want to do.”

You need to fucking do this. I stood there, not really knowing what to do next. I needed this. I needed to let everything off my chest and just talk to someone. I couldn’t breathe.

“Grace,” Dr. Davis softly said. “It’s okay.”

I don’t remember much about that session. I don’t remember everything that was said after that, but here I was again, two weeks later, at the same office. Dr. Davis opens the door to her office and smiles at me.

“Hi, Grace! It’s nice to see you again.”

It’s a snowy night in New York; Grace sits on a train with her daughter, Willow, heading to upstate. Willow sits on her knees, staring outside the window. Grace watches her daughter.

Grace: You see all the snow on the ground, Willie?

Willow: *nods* I do, Mommy!

Grace: You’re going to make snowman when we get to daddy’s house?

Willow gets excited and starts to bounce in her seat, which makes Grace laugh. Willow continues to look out the window when Grace’s phone begins to ring. She looks down at her phone to see it’s Emerson.

Grace: Hey, Em.

Emerson: Hey, Grace! I just wanted to see if you’re coming to Cami’s baby shower next weekend.

Grace: Oh, yeah, yeah… I’m still coming…

Emerson: That sounds like you forgot. Come on, Grace, you know this is important to me and Cami.

Grace: *annoyed* Look, I’ll be there. I gotta go though.

Grace hangs up the phone and puts her phone in her bag. She looks towards the window of the train.

…

The front door of a house opens and Willow runs up to her father. Max picks up his daughter and greets her. Grace walks up the front steps with Willows overnight bag.

Max: Princess! Daddy missed you!

Willow: Hi, daddy! Can we build a snowman?

Grace finally walks up to the front door.

Max: We can build one tomorrow when the sun is out.

Willow: But mommy said I can when we got home.

Grace’s face flushes red. Max laughs.

Max: I promise we’ll build one tomorrow, okay Princess?

Willow: Okay.

Max kisses Willow on the head, and then opens the door wide for Grace to walk in.

Max: There we go, darling.

Max closes the door behind them and finally greets Grace once he puts Willow down.

Max: Hey, Grace.

Grace: Sorry about Willow, I promised her a snowman when we got here and–

Max: *laughs* You’re fine, Grace.

Grace doesn’t say anything, but she immediately looks up when someone walks from the kitchen.

Miriam: I heard a little rascal run in the kitchen– *looks at Grace* Hi!

Miriam wipes her hands on her apron and extends her arm for a handshake.

Miriam: I’m so sorry for not greeting you at the door! I’m Miriam.

Grace looks at the woman in front of her and extends her arm to accept the handshake.

Grace: Hi, I’m Grace; Willow’s mom.

Miriam: Oh I can tell Willow is your daughter from a mile away! She’s practically your clone.

The statement makes Grace laugh.

Max: Hey, she has my traits too!

Miriam looks up at Max.

Max: Maybe when she gets older, she will.

The women laugh as Max rolls his eyes and takes Willows overnight bag upstairs. Grace gets uncomfortable when she’s alone with Miriam.

Miriam: Grace, you can come into the kitchen if you’d like.

While Miriam walks towards the kitchen, Grace slowly follows behind. She enters the kitchen and looks around; it’s been a long time since she’s been in this kitchen, it never looked as organized and lived in as it does now. The cooking smells great, and the kitchen table is already prepared for guest to eat dinner.

Miriam: I’m so sorry if it’s last minute, Max told me a little too late that you were coming by with Willow for dinner.

Grace: Oh, it’s okay, everything looks great already.

Grace takes a seat at the table and looks around. Miriam puts down the kitchen towel and proceeds to sit with Grace.

Miriam: Max has told me so much about you. He told me you run a business?

Grace: *nervous* Uhm, yeah. It’s sort of a family business, and I decided to run it.

Miriam: Wow, that sounds exciting! My parents run a little store near Buffalo; it was definitely a first job that I didn’t tell most of my friends.

Miriam laughs, and Grace smiles back.

Grace: So, you grew up in the Buffalo area?

Miriam: *nods* Yeah. I went to school in Cornell to get away from the border for a couple of years, then took up teaching in Yonkers. Are you from the area?

Grace: Oh, no no… I live in the city; I’ve been here for about 10 plus years already. I grew up in Virginia.

Miriam: Oh wow! You definitely seem like you’ve been in New York City for your whole life!

Grace: People tell me that all the time. My parents were from the city.

Miriam: The city is a beautiful place to visit. Max and I visited the Christmas tree back in December and it’s more beautiful than the pictures do it justice.

Grace doesn’t say anything; she takes in the information that Miriam shared with her. Her and Max never did the cute holiday things in the city when they were together. The only time she went to see the tree at Rockefeller Center was when–

Miriam: Willow is such a wonderful girl, by the way. You and Max are raising a very great girl.

Grace: Thank you, Miriam. Do you have kids of your own?

Miriam: I don’t, but Willow definitely fills the place! *laughs*

Grace laughs uncomfortably, she shifts in her seat.

Miriam: Oh… I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that…

Miax walks into the kitchen and greets the two women.

Max: I put Willow down for the night.

Max kisses Miriam on the forehead and takes a seat next to Miriam. He puts his arm around her, and Grace watches on.

Miriam: Grace was telling me how she’s only been in the city for a couple of years!

Grace: *awkward* Heh, yeah… Uhm, so how did you two meet?

Miriam: *smiles* We teach at the same university.

Grace: Law?

Miriam: Oh no, I teach Chemistry.

Grace widens her yes in shock; Miriam doesn’t look like she would teach such a difficult subject.

Grace: That’s… interesting.

Max: *to Miriam* Grace was in the law business until she took over her family business.

Miriam: Oh! Does your family run a law firm?

Grace doesn’t say anything back right away; she tries to word it as best as possible.

Grace: No, it’s… uhm… a dance business.

Miriam’s eyes widen as she nods her head; Grace immediately begins to feel judged.

Miriam: That’s—

Grace: I honestly should get going. It’s a long trip back to the city and it’s getting pretty late…

Miriam: But dinner isn’t ready yet!

Grace: I’m sorry, but I really should go. *to Max* I’ll call you to set something up with Willow next time.

Max: Grace…

Grace: *to Miriam* It was nice meeting you.

Grace gets up from the table and grabs her bag from the walkway. Before she can leave, Max walks over to her.

Max: Grace, please—

Grace: This has nothing to do with you and Miriam. I think she’s great for you.

Max: Then why are you leaving so early? Something is clearly bothering you.

Grace closes her eyes and slowly opens them before saying anything to Max. She puts on her coat before finally saying something.

Grace: You don’t need to worry about me, Max. I’m okay. Really.

Max doesn’t fight it; he watches Grace open the front door of his house and walk outside into the dark night. She doesn’t look back, but she wipes off a tear falling down her face.

…

A couple of hours have passed, and Grace finally arrives at her apartment. She drops everything down on the floor near her door, and walks away. She heads over to the sofa and sits there in silence. She squeezes her eyes shut and holds them, immediately screaming in frustration. She doesn’t move from the sofa, she just sinks into it, hoping to fall asleep for the night.