Month: November 2019

Voiceless Rant: The Series

A Voiceless Rant: November 2019 Edition.

liz

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

2019 feels like it came and went, yet it also feels like I’ve been living in 2019 for a whole decade. A lot of things happened this year, and it’s truly crazy to see where I’m at, 11 months into it.

This year, my 25, has been a rollercoaster for me. It has constantly felt like I’ve been on the top of the world, and there were times when I hit rock bottom. If I had to sum up the year, I would say that this year was very cathartic. 25 has taught me some life lessons I think I will carry for a lifetime and it’s also made me reflect on some of the resolutions I had for this year.

With that being said, it’s time for this month’s installment of:

voiceless rant

As I reflect on the year, I remember where I was this time last year. Did I have high expectations for the new year? Did I think my issues and problems would vanish once the new year came around? Will anything drastic happen in the new year that will change my life forever? Honestly, we just don’t know what our future holds, and to hold the new year accountable for things to be good is an unrealistic way of thinking. It’s why many of our new year resolutions don’t last for too long, and it’s why many of us feel disappointed once the new year doesn’t go the way we wanted it to go.

For my “resolutions” for 2019, I wanted this year to be peaceful and for me to be happy. I wanted this year to be completely different than what 2018 was, and boy was I in for an even more stressful ride this year. I had some issues handling my mental health, I got out of an extremely long relationship, I got a new job, and I figured out that I was demiromantic. It was a lot of self-discovery and acceptance this year that I was not ready for.

In other words, nothing about this year was “peaceful” in the slightest bit.

Just because your resolutions don’t go as planned, it doesn’t mean that the year was a waste. Sure, you didn’t get to lose weight you wanted to lose. Sure, you didn’t get to go on an out-of-state vacation. Sure, you didn’t get the happiness and peace of mind that you wanted. You might not have gotten the things you wanted, but every year truly happens the way it does because it needs to happen that way. Maybe you had to have a year like this to mature and experience some growth within yourself.

At 25, at this moment, I am the happiest I could possibly be for myself. I feel at peace in some aspects of my life, I’m working a job I really enjoy and look forward to going to every morning, I’m prioritizing myself in ways I didn’t do, and I’ve just trying to find what makes me, me. I didn’t have any idea that 2019 was going to be that year for me, but maybe I needed this to happen this way in order to keep growing and thriving and to get closer to the person that I always wanted to be.

So, I’m not upset that my resolutions for 2019 didn’t work out for me, I’m actually quite glad they didn’t! If this year turned out the way that I wanted it to be, I wouldn’t have learned everything that I did about life, myself, mental health, and everything else I learned through my hardships. If anything, my New Years’ resolutions somewhat came true: I am at peace and I am happy 11 months in. So, I can only hope that I can enter 2020 with the things I’m learning and that I can enter it in a peaceful state of mind, as well as a happy one!

Topic Tuesdays: Raw & Personal

This is My Farewell to You.

liz

The only way to diffuse the energy behind the negative things in your life is to talk about them.” – Dr. Cathy Burns.

To the man I’ve mourned for the last couple of years,

I miss you. You weren’t always perfect, and sometimes you didn’t know how to emotionally be there for us, but you still cared and loved us to the best of your ability. You came to shows, graduations, celebrations, and you always sang ‘happy birthday’ and made your best effort to make it seem like Santa truly came through our fire escape window on Christmas Eve.

Although the old you is the person I would forever mourn, it’s about time I let you go, for the sake of my mental health, the trauma these last couple of years have brought me, and simply because the person you now embody is toxic to my being.

I’ve tolerated the comments, the behavior, the long nights of loud yelling, simply the person that I’ve grown to hate for the last couple of years, and I simply can’t anymore.

I will not love a fragment of who you were, because you are not him anymore. I will not continue to support a person as misogynistic, hurtful, degrading, and not willing to get help for the issues you carry anymore. As an adult, I can say that I appreciated you caring and loving me as a child; the moments where we watched wrestling on Thursdays and NASCAR Racing on Sundays are some of the moments I’ll cherish forever, but I simply can’t hold onto those moments and hope that I get to experience something even similar to them now.

The reality is that I will never get you back, and the person you are today will never remember those moments, these moments of my life, and the moments and milestones I make in the future.

Quite frankly, I can’t have you so involved in my life, and I could only try to love you from afar, or not anymore.

Because I will not inhibit you calling those I care about disgusting names. I will not inhibit your drinking problem by lending you money. I will not inhibit you calling me a bitch out of anger and proceeding to laugh and say, “that’s why your ex dumped your ass.”

And even if you will never remember the hurtful things you say and apologize for saying them, I will always remember them, and they will leave even deeper cuts than before.

Because of that, I will not allow you to be a part of my life anymore.

I will not allow you to verbally and emotionally abuse me & my family and expect me to respect you just because you are blood.

A daughter should never have to hear the things you say about her, her sister, and her mother; mentally ill or not.

So, this is my farewell to you. This is my letter to the person I do not know anymore. This is my letter to the person I will always hold close to my heart, and a reminder to the old you that you will never be forgotten. This is my farewell letter because I’m tired of being hurt by your actions, and I’m tired of proving myself every time when I say this new version of yourself does not see me as your daughter, but your illness sees me as one of your enemies.

This is my farewell letter to you, because it’s about time I start to heal from this. This is my farewell letter to you, in hopes that the old you, if even still inside you, realizes that you need to seek help to repair the relationships in your life.

As for now, this is goodbye.

Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: My Romantic Attraction.

liz

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Many people throughout their lifetime truly live without knowing what the meaning of their feelings mean, and because of society wanting to make everything black-and-white, it’s even harder to admit that there have been times when what you felt wasn’t necessarily “normal”. I say normal like that because there is truly anything in life that indicates normalcy. 

Hi, my name is Liz, and I’m learning to accept the fact that my romantic attractions aren’t what I thought they were.

Is this me coming out? I don’t think I’d ever “come out” without feeling like things like this can change as time progresses. At this moment in time, I just feel differently about my romantic attractions and my sexual attractions.

Sexually speaking, I am heterosexual. I feel sexual attraction only towards the opposite sex. I’ve only had one male sexual partner in my life, but I know that I am willing to have sex with guys more so than girls, even if at this given moment I want to have absolutely no sex, which is another story for another day.

Romantically speaking, I feel like as I get older, I’m a little more flexible, or fluid in this category, and I feel like I’ve been this way for quite some time. Of course, I only feel this romantic attraction towards people once I get an emotional deep connection to them, and before anyone thinks that I just am liking everything and everyone, I don’t act upon those said attractions. I just like you because you mean a lot to me and we connect, but I am not sexually attracted to you and 95% of the time, I’m not looking to pursue a sexual relationship with you.

So, hi – my name is Liz, and although I am heterosexual, I am demiromantic.

Wow, that was liberating. 

To better understand what I am talking about and before we move forward, you must understand that romantic attraction and sexual attraction can be completely different things for people. For some, it’s one and the same, and for others, they are apples and bananas. For me, I am not sexually attracted to the people I have romantic attractions with and sometimes, if I see a hot guy in the streets and think damn, come to bed with me (which only fantasy Liz thinks about), I most likely won’t have a romantic attraction to them. Sexual feelings, in a nutshell, are an instant feeling; you look at someone’s appearance and feel sexually attracted to most of the time and it’s why most dating apps are heavily used for just hookups at this time. You don’t need to be romantically attracted to someone in order to have sex with them. Many people do it, and there’s nothing wrong with that unless you are safe, protected, and knowledgeable about it. 

Being romantically attracted to them happens with time. You get to know a person, whether it’s a friend or a potential partner, and find yourself growing a deep connection with them. You develop feelings for them in a romantic aspect, I mean you vibe with them, you like them, your body doesn’t know the difference! What makes it strictly a romantic attraction is that you don’t feel sexually attracted to them, and in other situations, you won’t try to pursue romantic relationships with them. You just like them, and you want platonic relationships.

If it seems like I’m even unsure about these things, it’s because I am. I’m still judging myself for even trying to figure out what this was for me and I still feel like I don’t belong under such category, but it’s the best that I can do to help explain years of denying how I function.

For years, I’ve had some relationships with people in my life that I liked in a romantic aspect. Of course, these feelings developed only after I gained a deep, emotional connection with them. I believe I’ve always wanted platonic relationships in my life; the ones where you deeply care for one another and would do anything for each other and hold them close to your heart without the stress and mess of it ever turning sex because you both don’t see each other in that light. I’ve had girl-friends in the past that I’ve felt this deep, emotional connection with and felt romantic attraction to afterward as well as guy-friends that I deeply connected with and felt romantic attraction to as well, but within these relationships I’ve had with these people, I never felt sexual attraction with them; I just wanted long-lasting platonic relationships. A Holder and Linden from The Killing type of relationship.

I understand there are people I’m currently friends with will read this and say, “omg, does Liz have romantic feelings for me?!” and might feel weird still wanting to interact with me. I understand that there is a possibility that my ex-friends, ex-flings, even my ex-partner will read this and think of me differently. I understand there are people who will read this and have opinions on me and will judge me, whatever, but I wanted to tell this story because I felt confused for years. I always wondered why it was so easy for me to have feelings for people who I’ve called my closest friends. For years, I wondered if I was a bisexual too scared to come out of the closet, but not really bisexual because although I’ve liked girls, I never wanted to have sex with them. I also couldn’t understand why or how was I have to develop romantic feelings towards LGBT people but not being LGBT myself. I couldn’t understand why at 25, I am still able to like people in a romantic aspect even if the thought of having sex with another person is anxiety-driven and repulsing. Maybe I’ll never put a label on what this is, but it’s the closest thing that can help me understand and be accepting of why I am this way.

So, I guess this is me coming out. Hey, I like you regardless of sex and gender, but don’t expect to have sex with me, thanks!

… Can I get that on a t-shirt, please?

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Creative Pieces

Pillow Talk: A Scene.

liz

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It’s a hazy, Summer dusk in New York City; the sound of cars driving by and outside conversation is coming through the open window in the bedroom. A couple is laying down on the bed; a naked 20-year-old woman with straight black hair and olive skin, SUMMER, is laying against a naked 20-year-old man with black hair and warm-toned skin and body tattoos, EVAN. They both just finished having sex. Evan is caressing Summer as he looks up towards the ceiling, at peace. Summer brushes her fingers on Evan’s chest as she is holding a sheet to cover her body with her other hand. Silence fills the room, but it isn’t an awkward silence. It’s a… cathartic silence. 

Summer looks up to Evan, who is still looking up at the ceiling, relaxing, emptying his mind of anything and everything worrisome or stressful. His best moments are when he’s with Summer; she makes all the bad things go away in an instant. Summer, on the other hand, can’t stop fidgeting her fingers against Evan’s chest. Her eyes look glass-like, about to fall and break from the weight of her thoughts at this moment. On a normal day, Evan’s presence is enough to get her through the day. His contagious smile that he tends to do, the one where his eyes smile along with his mouth, is her daily drug, and she can’t live without it. 

Today is a little bit different. 

Summer randomly takes a deep breath and stares into nothingness. It’s time.

Summer: He used to abuse me.

Evan’s staring contest with the ceiling is instantly broken, and he turns his head towards Summer, looking concerned. 

Evan: What?

Summer: Frankie; my ex. He used to hit me and mentally abuse me. For three years, that’s what my days looked like. It’s why I’m now afraid of relationships. It’s just a reminder that maybe I’m not worthy of being treated right.

Evan looks at Summer with a surprised expression; not knowing how to handle the random confessions of Summer.

Evan: Sum, we don’t have to talk about this if you aren’t ready; it’s okay.

Summer turns her body to face the ceiling, speaking to it like it was a confessional.

Summer: Frankie and I meant in high-school. I was 16, naive, and insecure. He was the only boy to see me past the nerdy clothes and pimply face. He was an athlete; all built-in muscle and hypermasculinity, like every other sports guy in the world. But in the beginning, he was sweet. He walked me home on days when I had dance rehearsal. He made sure the bullies didn’t mess with me anymore. He cared for me in a way I didn’t think any guy would want to care for me. Maybe that’s why I thought his methods of showing his caring nature were normal.

Summer closes her eyes, reliving a memory. 

Summer: He once saw me talking to another guy from one of my classes; we were assigned a group project together. When he saw me at lunch talking to him, he grabbed my arm and took me away to yell at me, telling me that I was lucky to even have him as a boyfriend because guys only want to talk to me for “virgin ass” and test answers. He invited me over to his place to talk about it, but all it did was cause this huge fight. When I snapped back at him, that’s when he first slapped me in my face.

Summer opens her eyes.

Summer: He said he was sorry, that it would never happen again. That he loved me and he had a hard time expressing that to me. I believed him. I forgave him. I should’ve left that night and never looked back.

Evan’s attention is fully on Summer. As he sees her struggle, he gently holds her hand for comfort. It calms her down.

Evan: You don’t have to do this, Sum. I understand.

Summer takes her hand away and sits up from the bed. Evan sits up at well, still focused on Summer.

Summer: At school, we were everyone’s favorite couple. He was the rising athlete on honor roll, I was the “girl that came from nothing to something”; everyone loved us together. People really thought Frankie loved me, man. They would say how Frankie never let go of my hand when walking down the halls without realizing he just never wanted me out of his sight. Behind closed doors, we fought like dogs. we argued every single day and disagreed on almost everything. He told me I was too ugly for anyone else, that nobody really liked me and they only wanted to use me for their personal gain. He made me believe that I was this horrible person so when the slaps turned into punches turned into tossing me across his bedroom like a damn piece of sport’s equipment, I always felt like I deserved it; like he wouldn’t be doing that to me if I wasn’t doing anything wrong.

Summer holds her body in an uncomfortable manner. She closes her eyes again, now with her eyebrows scrunched together, with a distasteful expression on her face.

Summer: One night, he had invited me to his place to celebrate some good news he got about college. Of course, I went, I loved him, and I was proud of him for getting the scholarship to one of his top schools. When he wasn’t an asshole, that’s all he talked about: his athletic dreams and studying sports medicine while playing in college. It was a different side of him when he spoke about his dreams and goals… maybe that’s what attracted me in the first place.

Summer is now squirming in the bed, grasping on the sheet to cover her body up even more.

Summer: I got there, and clearly he’d been drinking his dad’s wine or some fancy shit that was stored in his house. He just reeked of alcohol. I offered to take care of him and that he needed to stop drinking for the night… so I tried taking the… the bottle away from him…

She’s now taking in deep-breaths; she needs to let this out of her throat. 

Summer: He hit me so hard that I got bruised on my face. He tried helping me out by putting ice on it, and when he thought it was helping, he started to kiss it, and then kiss me without me kissing him back… he then, he–

Evan: Summer.

Summer: *hysterical* I kept saying no, I just wanted it to end, he wouldn’t stop–

Summer breaks down in tears. She covers her eyes in shame, shaking her head no continuously. Evan takes Summer into his arms and rocks her side to side, trying to calm her down.

Evan: You are worthy of love, Summer. Always remember that.

The air is full of silence again, the sunset comes through the bedroom window and hits on the wall above Evan and Summer. Evan is stroking Summer’s hair away from her teary, wet face as she looks up at him. They stare at each other for a moment.

Evan: Gwaenchanhayo.

Evan smiles at Summer, reassuring her that he meant the words he said. 
Summer is now at peace in that very moment, hoping they both stay this way forever.
— The End —
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Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: My Toxicity.

liz

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When I was a teenager, I played the victim a lot. If I acted out of line or did anything bad or harsh, I blamed it on other people, since I was never the type to be anything but nice, genuine, kind, and caring. If I did anything out of character, I thought it was due to the influence of other people. “They made me this way.”

Hi, my name is Liz, and I’m learning that I, in certain circumstances, can be a toxic person.

Let’s try that again: Hi, my name is Liz, and I have toxic traits. 

I’m confident enough to know that I’m a kind-hearted person. I care for the people around me, I’m nice even when I’m not having the greatest of days, I’m considerate, and I’m an empath. Thank you, Nina, for reminding me that I truly am empathetic. 

While that might sound good, it doesn’t mean that I don’t make mistakes. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’ve hurt a lot of people throughout my years living on this Earth. I’ve hurt people who I’ve dropped as friends for no reason. I’ve probably broken a couple of hearts from secret admirers. I know I’ve hurt my family with actions and words throughout the years. I’ve probably hurt my ex throughout the years as well.

What I’m saying is that we are human, and we are bound to hurt the people in our lives no matter how kind-hearted or nice you are.

So, to the people I’ve hurt in the past, the present, and even those who I will probably hurt in the future: I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for not taking consideration in the things you may have adored, worried about, wanted me to care about, and everything in between that left you feeling like I didn’t give a shit about you. One of my toxic traits is not having a good enough balance of caring for myself and then caring for others. I tend to be harsh, not caring enough, even to some degree I lack empathy or sympathy, and I truly do not tend to be that way. I think I excluded myself from others for so many years, I think I just don’t know how to be present and openly supportive of the things that you care about.  I’m working on it.

I’m sorry for leaving without a warning and make you wonder what happened and what you did wrong. The answer is probably nothing. My toxic trait is that I feel like I’m easily forgotten, which makes me believe I can hop out of friendships without anyone caring or noticing. I’m also sorry for never giving you any closure on why I left you in the first place. Maybe I just didn’t want to hurt your feelings and tell you I don’t want to be friends anymore. Maybe you did something to hurt me first and instead of being mature and speaking up, I stood quiet until I found the right time to slip out of the friendship. Again, my toxic traits really do come to life when it comes to dealing with friendships, and the fact of the matter is maybe I’m just not a good person to be close friends with. Maybe you have to keep your distance from me. Maybe it’s the social anxiety disorder. Maybe I just haven’t had friends in a really long time and tend to overthink the ones that stay. I’m working on it.

Lastly, I’m sorry for ever making you feel like you are always wrong, even in situations where I was in the wrong. My toxic trait is that I can’t take criticism without taking it to heart and that I get extremely defensive when I’m getting accused of doing something wrong or hurtful. I make things about myself sometimes, and sometimes I just wish that I was always right and that people saw things the way that I do. I’m trying to learn that not everything I believe will be correct or the right thing,, and when it isn’t, I should listen and take it for consideration without thinking I’m being attacked. Again, my toxic traits may stem from my mental health, and I’m working on both to be a better person for myself, and to those around me.

But, I’m human. We all are, and we aren’t perfect. Sure, tell that to the toxic trait that thinks I need to be perfect, but I know I’m not. The first step to any sort of self-healing and discovery is understanding that we have toxic traits and that sometimes we are the bad guy in someone’s narrative.

That doesn’t make us bad people, just people that need some work to do. 

So, to my teenage self: I forgive you for not taking responsibility for the things you’ve said and done; you were young and didn’t know any better. I mean, who did? Because of you, I am able to learn and accept myself for not always being good, and for not always being right. Because of you, I’m learning, and I’m becoming more aware, even if I might not always get it right the first couple of times.

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Self-Appreciation Saturdays

SAS: Listen To Your Soul. (11/9/19)

liz

self-appreciation saturday

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

Kylie Jenner said it best a couple of years ago when this year was the year of like, realizing stuff. 2019 has been a year of a lot of wake-up calls, heartbreak, new beginnings and tons of self-growth. Like, who is she?

Anyway, it wasn’t easy even to remotely be where I am today. It’s taken a lot of trial and error, and it still does. I haven’t perfected the art of listening to my soul, but I’m learning that the mind doesn’t want what it wants, the heart doesn’t want what it wants, it’s truly the soul wants what it wants. Figuratively, your soul runs your mind and heart.

Confused? Lemme explain. 

I always believed to some extent that the soul plays a major part in your life decisions, but I never realized how much of an impact it makes in your life until my therapist, Cathy, spoke to me about it. For a while now, she’s spoken to me about how truly connected the mind and heart are, and it’s usually not just one part that knows better than the other. She says this because I have a habit of blaming my bad self-judgment on “the voice in my mind”. No, I don’t hear voices, but it feels like my mind is always the one part of my body that disapproves of a lot of my decisions and life choices. What I’ve been learning from my therapist (and just finally admitting to myself) that once your soul feels something different or contrasting to what you’re doing, you fucking feel it immediately. 

You honestly don’t know how important it is to listen to your soul until you’re face-to-face with all of the events leading up and connecting to it. It’s not that easy to escape what your soul is trying to tell you, no matter how many times you try to tell yourself that you’re overthinking things or you’re just going through a funk. Once your soul feels something different than what you want it to feel, it’s hard to tell it otherwise.

At the end of the day, your soul knows what’s best for you; it knows when it’s time to let go of something, it knows when to say no to things you aren’t okay with, and it tells you situations and scenarios that you should avoid and go for. Your soul speaks because it wants something to change, typically for the better. It’s difficult, it’s unsettling, and it could be absolutely life-changing. But, the soul speaks for a reason.

2019 has been a year of my soul not wanting to shut up. It’s spoken some uncomfortable truths that I was too afraid to let out, and when they engulfed me as time passed, all I could do was listen to it and admit to what my soul was telling me. Because of that, I’ve made some drastic changes in my life this past year, which led me to be in the space I am currently in, sort of grateful that I finally listened to my soul.

It’s so important to listen to your soul because she (or he, whichever it is for you) is a powerful force that knows what she’s talking about. She knows you best, and she is probably the first part of you that knows when you’re growing up and maturing. She only speaks to you when she believes you are able to make such big decisions, and when she believes you are strong enough to come out of the hard times. She only tells you things when she feels like you’re ready, and most of the time, you are ready.

So, why not listen to it? You never know where life will take you when you do!

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Topic Tuesdays: Random

Fourth Tattoo: Story + Meaning.

liz

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25 had taught me that you truly only live once and if you really want to do something, go and fucking do it.

On a Thursday afternoon on the bus on my way home from work, I decided that I wanted to get my fourth tattoo.

Whenever I decide that I want to get a new tattoo, it typically means that something in my life has saved me in a sense, and I decide to document (or honor) that thing through a tattoo idea. My first tattoo honored my favorite TV show of all time, The Killing, the second one honors my passion for writing, the third one represents Kelly Clarkson’s My December album, and this fourth one needed to represent the new thing that has saved me a couple of times: KPop.

KPop was introduced into my life about a year and a half ago during one of my laundry days with my mother. I live in a predominantly Asian neighborhood in NYC, so the laundromat we go to is owned by an Asian family. One day during our laundry days, they played TWICE’s “Knock Knock” on the TV, and the rest is history. It was catchy, it was cute, and I had to go home afterward and find the song on Spotify and listen to it. It then led me down a rabbit hole of everything KPop related. Since then, it’s become pretty much the only genre of music I listen to, and I know a lot more than I should about Kpop, in all honesty. At the end of the day, KPop music makes me extremely happy, and it has saved me through a lot of dark moments of my life within the last year and a half. It was only right that sooner or later, I’d get something that symbolized KPop tattooed on my body.

It’s not common for KPop idols to have tattoos; in fact, most idols with tattoos have to wear a skin-colored patch over their tattoos on music shows just so that they look more “clean” and “natural”. Tattoos in South Korea aren’t as widely accepted as they are in westernized countries, but people do have them and some of them happen to be KPop idols. Particularly TWICE’s Chaeyoung has gotten a couple of tattoos in the last few months which I’m all for, but also two members of X1 have multiple tattoos of their own: Seungwoo and Seungyoun.

Whenever they are allowed to show their tattoos at events and whatnot, one tattoo of Seungyoun’s always caught my eye. I mean sure, Seungwoo’s “Don’t rock me up” tattoo was the true star of the “U GOT IT” performance back in PDX101…

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Ugh, take me back. 

Anyway, I didn’t realize Seungyoun has this tattoo on his wrist until I began to see it in promotional pictures for their album as well as fancam pictures at their fan-signs. On Seungyoun’s wrist, he has a read sad, crying face next to a plus sign and then a yellow smiley face. In an article, it states it represents both of his sides (duh), but also that he got them when his former group, UNIQ, was in an indefinite hiatus.

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I really liked the overall tattoo, although personally for me, I’m not a fan of colored tattoos. I can only imagine how many Seungyoun fans now have this tattooed on their bodies as well, and I guess I’m one of them now, but I truly wanted to get it a little different than his. Atlas, my tattoo came to life.

Not only does this tattoo represent my love for KPop, but it also has another true meaning behind it. Where there is sadness, there is happiness. Where there’s bad, there’s good. Where there are downs, there’re ups. You can’t have one without the other, and together, they make up life.

I didn’t know if I was really ready to get this tattooed on my body, but something told me that this was the perfect multi-meaning tattoo I could possibly get for myself. So, I said “fuck it”, and stopped at the tattoo parlor I usually go to and got this walk-in by one of the guys there named Alex. It took 15 minutes tops; 10 minutes to set up his station, 5 minutes to tattoo it for me. I absolutely love it. 

I don’t know if this will be the last tattoo (probably not, my sibling and I need to get our matching ones still), but I know that whatever I decide to get in the future, it would mean something to me and represent that part of my life.

I’m glad that this impulse decision was a good one! 😉

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Self-Appreciation Saturdays

SAS: Boundaries are Self-Care, Not Selfish. (11/2/19)

liz

self-appreciation saturday

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

Okay, so confession time: I sometimes don’t trust myself. Lemme rephrase that: I sometimes don’t trust my own judgment. I constantly think that the decisions I make are not the right ones, or I think that the decisions I make are selfish. It’s taking me a while to finally be okay with saying no, and even then I sometimes feel bad for doing it. I’m learning how to be in tune with my body, its signs, and learning what my personal boundaries may be.

Which brings me to my next point: having boundaries is an act of self-care; it does not make you selfish.

Boundaries are your limits, and you honestly may not know what your boundaries are at first. Your body just knows what your boundaries are; they are influenced by your tolerance, your self-image, your values, and your growth as a person. They also change with time; what your boundaries were when you were a teenager may not be the same as they were being an adult. Lemme rephrase that: they aren’t the same. So when you find yourself not being okay with something you once were alright with or find your breaking points in some areas a bit more sensitive than before, it’s totally normal. Your mindset changes, your goals change, your judgments change, and your boundaries are just as interchangeable.

With that being said, don’t allow anyone to tell you that your boundaries are selfish and they make you self-centered. Boundaries are supposed to be about putting yourself first and what you feel is the right thing. It’s not selfish to have boundaries.

In fact, it’s an act of self-care. It’s knowing that the behavior, energies, and patterns you attracted before are not some you want to have in your life, and so you create a boundary so it won’t happen again. It’s being self-aware to the point that you know the things that may set you off, make you feel uncomfortable, or that you simply don’t agree with. Your boundaries are simply created because you are protecting yourself from things that may affect you.

It’s completely okay to want to protect yourself. For me, that’s what my boundaries are all about: to not only protect myself from bad surroundings but to even protect myself from my own toxic traits. For me, I have to set boundaries with my own self so that I don’t let my thoughts bring me down a rabbit hole. It’s me telling myself “no, Liz. You will not do that today” that helps me get through some of my more stressful days.

So, make those boundaries. Ask yourself:

  1. Do I need to put a boundary on family & friends? If so, what type of boundary?
  2. Do I need a boundary for my personal schedule? What days would I like to have “me time”?
  3. Are there any toxic traits I have that I need to set a boundary for my healing self? Is it a certain thought that needs a boundary? Behavior? The energy I attract?
  4. What are some things I’m absolutely not okay engaging in anymore?
  5. How do I respectively discuss my boundaries with those around me?

It’s not easy to be okay having boundaries. For me, I sometimes do feel selfish and not willing to put my differences aside for other people. But, there’s typically a reason why I’m not able to, and your soul will be the first to let your body know that there needs to be a boundary for those people in your life. 

It takes time to enforce the boundaries you have and be okay with it. It’s a part of becoming assertive, it’s a part of the process of respecting yourself, and honestly, once you have that embedded in you, your surroundings will be able to respect the rules you have with yourself.

I’m still learning to be okay with it! I’m still trying to not overthink the worst-case scenarios if I set up boundaries with other people. I still worry that my boundaries could potentially make people not want to be in my life anymore, and I worry about that fine-line between boundaries and selfishness because there is one. I wonder how I would personally feel saying no to something or someone in my life; it’s definitely a journey.

And while all these worries may circulate in your head, you have to remind yourself that your boundaries are your boundaries, and people who understand them will understand and respect yours. Also, you have to remind yourself that your boundaries are a result of self-awareness turned into self-care; at the end of the day, you are only doing what’s best for you, which you should always be putting first in your life.

It’s okay to have boundaries and still be a sympathetic/empathetic person. You don’t have to have one or the other. Having boundaries, in a way, is a human quality to have. It’s normal, and it’s needed for your everyday function.

Set them boundaries up, boo.

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