Month: October 2019

Monthly Favorites

October 2019 Highlights & Favorites!

liz

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

Can you guys believe that in two days, it’ll be Halloween? This month flew by and I’m not ready to dive into November and see all the damn Christmas decorations go up.

It was definitely an overall hard but good month for me. For personal reasons, my emotions were all over the place and it took some reflection time for me to settle in everything I was feeling and going through this month. For the most part, though, October was truly a good month for me, and sometimes my pessimistic self doesn’t believe that I’m capable of having a generally good couple of weeks. 

So, without further ado – let’s talk about some highlights of the month:

Highlights:

1.) Ya girl got her hair done!

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I finally got myself some bleach in this hair and I’m gradually starting the process of going from black/dark brown to a medium brown/something lighter than my roots in all honesty. My sibling is currently a student at a beauty school and is currently working on the salon floor as practice and to build up clientele for the future. They asked if I was willing to come to the school and get some highlights in my hair since I was dying to lighten my hair in the first place. I’m a sucker for doing all sorts of shit to my hair, so I went and got my hair bleached and toned into highlights. I’ve been my sibling’s test dummy for years regarding haircuts and hair color, and this was honestly one of the best times they ever did highlights on my hair. It was crazy natural, and it blends in with the rest of my hair!

2.) High-School Reunion with Nina (SparklyWarTanks)

This is a high-school photo of us, by the way. Although this event happened towards the end of September, I wanted to include it here because of the things that happened and discussed that day are some of the reasons why this month was so completely different for me. So, Nina was my best friend in high school. We were in the same vocal class as freshmen and we got closer as freshman year progressed. We became extremely close our sophomore year; we basically had every class together and we spent many of our days off singing at events under our school choir. If anyone has seen me grow from the little, innocent, naive prude into the rebellious all-over-the-place teenager, it was her. We were the same in a lot of areas of our lives, but we were two completely different people as well, which ultimately led to us drifting apart as high-school went on. College came and we went our separate ways, and we lost touch for those years we were busy with our college selves.

What brought us back together was the mutual passion of writing. She began her own blog as part of a senior school project, and I followed it since. In a way, her blog encouraged me to start my own, and the rest is history. As we began to support each other’s passions through social media and through her events, she brought up the possibility of us hanging out one weekend and so we did. I can’t lie and say I wasn’t nervous; letting her back into my life meant that I was letting a part of my high-school self back as well, even if she wasn’t the toxic part in my high-school life. That conversation we had for hours taught me a valuable lesson: I can hurt people too and I can be the cause of someone’s bad mental health. I could be just as toxic for people as some people are for me, and it truly reminded me how much we’ve grown since we were teenagers. Of course, we did, we’re 25 now, but to have honest conversations with someone you hurt and just discuss unspoken emotions we both felt made me appreciate life a little more that day.

So, if you’re reading this Nina, thank you for teaching me a valuable lesson.

3.) I started a music podcast!

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Sometimes, doing things out of pure curiosity and fun of it could be a good thing! Earlier this month, my good friend, Tori, was thinking about starting a podcast on her Patreon and I was all in for the idea. I’m not the most active podcast listener, but I know that people listen to them while they are working out, cooking, studying, trying to sleep; whatever type of multitasking thing there is to do. I mainly wanted to try it out because I’ve been doing nothing but listening to music to get me through the hardships that the month brought me. I wanted a platform where I could share my love for music, showcase the music, and even share my knowledge about the genre without typing it all out. So, I decided to test-run an episode with some of my favorite hits at the moment and found myself having so much fun with it. Music, especially now, is one of the major reasons how and why I’m happy at this moment (especially K-Pop) and I wanted to share it with other music-loving people in hopes that they adventure out into some genres and songs they never even heard of. In the time I’m writing this, two more episodes have been recorded and are pending for publication within the next couple of weeks, so be on the lookout for that!

Favorites:

1.) My First Physical Copy of a K-Pop Album:

 

If I was ever going to pop my K-Pop album cherry, it would be X1’s 1st Mini Album, Quantum Leap. If you guys have been living under a rock or purposely been ignoring me because I’m always talking about them, you would know that I’ve been obsessed with X1 ever since they were officially put together during the summer under Produce X 101. If you want to know more about my thoughts about their debut when it first happened back in August, you already know there’s a blog post about it. Not only was their debut such a strong one, but the whole album was also really good, so it was only right for me to get it when I had the extra money to purchase it. I ordered it directly from South Korea so the shipping was crazy expensive, but it was so totally worth having this album in my hands. It’s funny, I showed my mother the album and the photobook that comes with it and was like “…this is what you’re obsessed with?” And I proudly said yes. I told myself that while X1 is promoting, I’ll be buying all their physical albums because I’m such a huge fan of them. So yeah. Thanks, X1, for popping my K-Pop physical album cherry. Ew, that sounds gross.

2.) Anything Seungyoun related.

Cho Seungyoun (Hangul: 조승연) is a member of X1 obviously. Born in 1996, he is the second oldest behind Seungwoo, the leader of the group and occasional bias wrecker for sure. It’s truly crazy to see how quickly things can change; on my ideal final-lineup for the group during PDX101, he wasn’t even on my top 11 and yet I’m obsessed with him. It’s not like I’m obsessed with him through his looks (yeah, he’s good-looking af), but I’m obsessed with the many talents he has and the “all-rounder” title he holds within the group. He knows four languages, he sings, dances, raps, beatboxes, produces, writes, composes, like do I need to say more? He’s a fucking monster.

Within X1, he is one of the four members in the group that had already debuted through their own respected companies and boy groups before joining the show for a second chance at success. Seungyoun started out as one of the members of the Chinese-Korean group, UNIQ. As one of the rappers and one of two members that are Korean, he was in charge of pretty much rewriting the lyrics to their songs in Korean so that their Korean audiences would know the songs in their languages. Mind you, homeboy was only 18 doing all of this. Their second single, “EOEO” is such a good fucking song; it’s sexy, it’s rap-heavy which I’m finding myself loving K-Rap a little bit more these days, and it’s catchy!

He’s also branched out of the group and began his own solo career, first under the stage name “Luizy” and later under the name “WOODZ”. As “Luizy”, his song entitled “Baby Ride (feat. Hyungsik of BTOB” is such a feel-good song. If you’re already missing the summer (I’m not), this will definitely bring that summer-vibe back into your life! It’s definitely a good song to listen to on a sunny breezy day on your way to school or work and it just feels like a good time. As “WOODZ” the musical genre is a lot more mellow, R&B and less rap-focused, and as mentioned in the first Music From Liz podcast, “DIFFERENT” hits you in the feels. It’s also a very big mood-setting song; on a cloudy day with a slight drizzle of rain hitting the bus window; ugh the feels. The song is typically about a breakup of a couple because they were incompatible with one another. The music video is definitely aesthetically pleasing, artistic, and beautiful.

 

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Honestly, that’s all for now! See you guys in November!

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Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: Bullshitting Happiness.

liz

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Masks, disguises, facades, whatever you want to call them; we all have them.

We put them on whenever we got to get through our day. We put them on whenever we don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or cause trouble. We put them on because if we didn’t, we wouldn’t be the most functional beings on the planet. So, we pretend everything is fine, our lives are fine, our psyche is fine, our soul is fine, but let’s face it: are we ever totally and completely fine?

Hi, my name is Liz, and I’m bullshitting my happiness.

Lemme rephrase that: I’m going through a very normal part of life; heartbreak, sadness, reidentification, yet I think I have everything under control.

I’m not depressed, nor am I in a bad place as I’m currently writing this. In fact, I’ve been doing pretty well; I have a job I absolutely love, I’m allowing my interests and passions to shine through without feeling judged for them, and I finally feel like I’m getting the time to know myself all over again.

But, I’ve been dealing with some things that are normal in human life, yet my mind does not want to process things properly without feeling I will send myself into a dark place if I *feel* too much.

Let me be honest with you guys: I’m 25 and dealing with my first breakup. It’s challenging, to say the least, only because a large chunk of my identity was (and still is) what I was in that relationship. I’m fairly young, and for almost half of my life I only knew what it was like to be in that relationship. To now be 25, single, and not have a clear image of my own identity makes things hard. It’s not just the grieving that’s hard. It’s not just the memories and remembering the good times that’s hard. The hardest part out of all of this is now having to figure out my own identity after a major part of it was influenced by my relationship. To say that I’ve moved on and “living my best life” is a lie; I’m still grieving over a major loss in my life, and that takes time to do.

Despite romantic relationships, familial relationships are challenging at 25. You don’t just see your family as these strong beings in your life that are invincible; you see them as real human beings with real emotions and feelings of their own, and with our current situation that maybe one day I will share out loud, it definitely makes things harder, especially when my empathetic qualities are more present for my family.

Despite everything that’s happened in the course of these two months, I’ve still been able to put a smile on my face, enjoy my days, and lie to my therapist.

That’s until my regular therapist came back from maternity leave.

My therapist, Cathy, has known me for the last year and a half. She’s been with me through the highs, the lows, the anxiety attacks, the weak points, the strong points, and even when the suicidal thoughts were at an all-time high. She knows me pretty well, and will pretty much call me out on my bullshit. 

This past week, I went to therapy thinking I was alright; I didn’t have anything to talk about, but Cathy is the type of therapist that will dig deep and try to make you talk about something. She started off asking me about my family and how everything is going. Although she knows what’s been going on with my family, it still is so uncomfortable to speak out loud and give it existence. There’s still shame behind it, and it’s something that feels like a sacred family secret, but I did speak about it with Cathy. She asked me questions that felt extremely difficult to answer only because there are questions I don’t think about myself. To reflect on things and question myself about them is something I really do avoid doing; I’m afraid it will cause me to lose my self-control and self-harm or have suicidal thoughts once again.

The topic of my breakup came up and of course, it’s another thing that has become uncomfortable to talk about because it’s something I’m still constantly thinking about. As much of an expressive person I am, I truly to minimize and vaguely answer questions about myself because, well, I don’t know why. Maybe it’s a bad habit that is so embedded in me, I don’t realize I’m doing it. So, in true Cathy fashion, she made me dig deep into my feelings and my behaviors and emotions about this situation and called me out on some of the things that I was doing that’s still unhealthy for my healing. It’s completely normal for me to be doing these things because it was a huge part of my life that I’m now living without, but ultimately I have to be more aware and honest with myself whenever I do something that isn’t healthy for me.

Of course, it was all true. There’s so much holding back and holding on because I’m simply not ready. There’s a lot of distraction and masking up because I’m not ready to deal with it yet. There’s a lot of trauma built up in me that I’m not ready to address because of the fear that I might get bad again, and every time things get bad, I wonder if I will ever get out of that bad place again.

So, I cried and admitted everything to Cathy, and it was the realization that I needed.

The fact of the matter is is that I am happy. I am happy that I’m beginning to challenge the things that I thought I was bad at like socializing with people and keeping a retail job. I’m happy that I’ve gotten to meet some amazing people at my job and have been able to connect with them without feeling like I’m being judged by them. I’m happy that I’m not overthinking minor decisions anymore and are doing things because I want to do them. I’m happy that I’m learning how to embrace the qualities and interests that make up my being without feeling shame for them. I’ve made progress; a tremendous amount of progress, and I’m happy that at this point in life, I’m doing good.

But, that doesn’t mean that I overcame the emotional and mental trauma that lives inside me. It doesn’t mean that my bad habits are all fixed. It doesn’t mean that my depression and anxiety doesn’t get as bad as it was. It doesn’t mean that I’m ready to completely share my story to the world and not care about the backlash it may bring or the judgments it may carry. It doesn’t mean that the energy that the bad things carry doesn’t affect some of my life the way that it does. Trauma doesn’t get fixed by a couple of therapy sessions and medication. It takes life-changing moments, in all honesty.

I’m not bullshitting my happiness, but I’m bullshitting my happiness. Meaning, I’m honestly in a really good place, but it doesn’t mean that there isn’t still work to do. It also means that just because I’m doing okay, it doesn’t mean that my surroundings and the people I care about the most who are going through don’t affect me. It will always affect me because I will always care.

So, lemme reintroduce me once more:

Hi, my name is Liz, and though I’m doing okay, I still carry trauma that may affect my everyday life, so please be patient with me on those bad days. 

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Topic Tuesdays: Music

My Thoughts on SM’s New Global Kpop Group, SuperM.

liz

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

A little disclaimer before we begin: I know I’m a couple of weeks late and my opinion on this boy group probably doesn’t count at this point, but I really wanted to share my thoughts regarding one of the most highly anticipated debuts in the Kpop industry this year.

So, for all of my non-Kpop viewers, let me give you some background on how the Kpop industry works.

The music industry in South Korea is definitely different than how American music industries work. For starters, American artists are usually signed under a record label are guaranteed some sort of exposure or music being made; Kpop idols take years to build up. KPop artists before they debut are trainees within entertainment agencies, and just because they get accepted into an agency doesn’t mean they will get the chance to debut right away. Some trainees are just luckier than others, but some trainees don’t get the chance to debut until years after they became trainees. For example, TWICE’s Jihyo was a trainee under JYP Entertainment for 10 years before she got the chance to debut. Of course, then there are situations when you finally get your chance to debut, but the turnout of your debut isn’t as successful as your company expected it to be. It’s one of the reasons why a lot of already debuted idols (i.e Victon’s Seungwoo & Byungchan, UNIQ’s Seungyoun, IM’s Hangyul, UP10TION’s Wooseok & Jinhyuk, Fromis_9’s Gyuri and many others that I cannot think of right now) go on popular survival shows as trainees: it’s their second chance at success as idols.

Although there are dozens of Korean entertainment agencies and although many of them are well-known for creating successful Kpop groups and soloists, the top three entertainment agencies that are guaranteed success no matter what comes out of there are SM Entertainment, JYP Entertainment, and YG Entertainment. SM Entertainment homes groups like Girls’ Generation, Red Velvet, EXO, NCT (U, Dream, 127, and all the other sub-units), SHINee, and f(x). JYP Entertainment homes groups such as TWICE, ITZY, GOT7, Wonder Girls, Miss A, DAY6, 2AM & 2PM. Lastly, YG Entertainment holds groups like BlackPink, iKON, 2NE1, BigBang, WINNER, and even soloist PSY, famous for “Gangnam Style” (He actually now runs his own agency called P Nation).

Now that you have a good idea on some of the background behind some of Kpop’s biggest names, let’s get to the meat and potatoes, shall we?

SuperM. Man, do I have a lot to say about this new boy group. 

SuperM debuted earlier this month after being announced last summer as SM Entertainment’s new Kpop project group. The purpose of this new “supergroup” was to pretty much create the next big thing in western culture; with BTS’ huge success in the United States and opening the door for third-generation Kpop internationally, many other agencies are now trying to mimic that success with groups of their own. For example: TWICE went on a four-stop North American World Tour during the summer, Blackpink has been on various daytime & nighttime talk shows to promote their music and United States appearances (like Coachella), and many other boy groups from other companies are traveling to the United States in hopes of exposure.

SM Entertainment is known as one of Kpop’s biggest successes within the second generation of the genre, and although their groups are still successful within third generation Kpop, the competition is just becoming too real, and they are slowly becoming the third biggest company out of the big 3; like seriously, TWICE is breaking records left and right and are possibly the biggest and most successful girl group of all time, which used to be SM Entertainment’s very own Girls’ Generation about a decade ago.

So, with that being said, I’m not surprised that SM made a decision like this one.

Again, I’m not blaming any of the members of SuperM, and quite frankly they are doing this because they follow what their company wants them to do; I’m pretty much exposing the fact that SM Entertainment took the easiest route of success and “debuted” well-known Kpop idols in a group together in order to target the American audience.

SuperM is a seven-member boy group consisting of members within three other SM groups: SHINee’s Taemin, EXO’s Kai and Baekhyun, and NCT’s (127 & WayV) Taeyong, Mark, Ten, and Lucas. If you’re a Kpop fan, you’ve probably heard of these groups, and these members of their respected groups; these three boy groups are wildly popular and have a huge following in South Korea, and even internationally. 

So, of course, it would make sense that SM Entertainment would put together a group of all famous well-established idols and target the American audience for just a quick success-rate.

This is where I have a problem:

There are thousands of trainees in Korean entertainment agencies that are fresh, young, and talented. They work hard and they train hard in hopes of their agencies seeing their potential to debut in new projects, and it really does sadden me that SM Entertainment doesn’t have faith in their trainees to debut a new group all-together or promote their already successful boy groups internationally. It also pisses me off that SM Entertainment only gave this opportunity of expansion to male idols when really it’s a female Kpop group we need in the United States to blow up. Maybe the American music industry isn’t so accepting of girl groups due to their cutesy image & the US really only acknowledges “girl-crush” groups, but still – SM Entertainment could’ve easily debuted a badass vocal Kpop girl group that could shut the American music industry down. 

But nope: try to recreate the success of BTS with already famous idols because it’s an easier way to success.

I probably wouldn’t have been so salty if their debut single wasn’t so… awful. First of all, it’s barely considered Kpop anymore when the entire song is pretty much an English song with four or five Korean lyrics sprinkled in there. Again, I know it’s targeting international audiences, but it still is a Kpop group; native English speakers in America didn’t fuck with Kpop because it was cool; it was because of the music!

The debut single is called “Jopping“, which is the words “jumping” and “popping” put together. Don’t get me wrong, it’s catchy and I think it slaps, but for an anticipated supergroup like SuperM, a concept in Kpop that hasn’t been done before might I add, it was just underwhelming for a lot of people.

This is why I believe this group was put together for a guaranteed success that required no actual work on the company’s part.

What SM should’ve done was to either push their existing groups (it’s not like they are failing anyway) to transition them overseas, or create a Kpop group with trainees that fit this overall concept; get some Korean trainees who could be the face of the group when promoting in Korea, get some foreign trainees (Japanese, Thai, Chinese, Korean-American) that can represent the group in their respective countries, and definitely have some of these members cater to English speaking audiences by having some fluent English speaking members in the group.

What I’m saying is that talent is talent, and I can only imagine how much work it truly is being a trainee to potentially an idol in South Korea. It looks difficult, it looks exhausting, and I bet you that many of these trainees who are still young as fuck are sacrificing being away from their families in order to follow their dream of becoming a Kpop idol.

BTS didn’t have any special members to make them famous in the US.

So in conclusion, in my opinion, I probably wouldn’t care to follow this group and their activities because here’s my very unpopular Kpop opinion: I don’t really like nor know these guys or the groups they come from. Of course, I’m a nobody, and if you want to “stan” them, go right ahead – these idols deserve the love they get from their fans! I just hate that the company decided to make a move like this in order to obtain more success and money from international fans, especially in the United States. I mean, how does a Kpop group from South Korea under a South Korean entertainment agency doesn’t promote, perform, or tour in South Korea? If anything, it’s immensely important to become a big deal in Korea first: if you blow up in Korea, you then blow up in all of the East Asian countries (and China) surrounding Korea – it’s happened for every single Kpop group I’ve been following. 

But hey, what do I know? I’m just Kpop trash.

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Self-Appreciation Saturdays

SAS: Be Who You Are To Others To Yourself. (10/19/19)

liz

self-appreciation saturday

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

How did everyone’s week go? I hope that it went as smooth as possible for you guys so that now you can relax for the weekend!

So, here’s a fun little story:

I’ve got some cool-ass co-workers. Like, they are possibly some of the coolest and most laid back people I’ve met in a professional setting like this, and I’m glad for my first job to have such a great group of people like them. I’ve definitely got more opportunities to get closer to some (same shifts back-to-back) and because of that, I’m definitely getting more comfortable to have deeper conversations about life rather than the typical workplace convos.

I was texting one of my co-workers after finding out she was also a big Shane Dawson & Jeffree Star fan and was following the same series I was watching as well. In true Liz form, I had to text her my thoughts on last week’s episode because there was just a lot to take in! So, we did that, but then the conversation shifted a bit when she started to worry that she didn’t feel like she has any motivations or passions she can act on and work towards. Again in true Liz nature, I offered her some advice and reassurance that everything will play itself out as she matures and experiences life some more (I mean, she’s 22, yet I’m talking as if there’s a 10-year age difference between us). She appreciated the kind words and because it was hitting close to midnight, we ended the conversation after a while.

It made me think that even for a person I only knew existed two months ago in August, I was still able to give her some honest advice that I truly believed in; I was once 22 feeling those same things right after graduating from college. Yeah, I was in grad school, but I still felt like I didn’t have any passions to fall back on; the only one I had was screenwriting which didn’t work out in the end. Because I know the feeling quite well, I was able to give some advice that I hope gave her some relief that she’s on the right path.

Possibly some of my wounded empath personality traits are healing?

But in all seriousness, the conversation truly made me wonder about giving myself some reassurance about the worries I have on life. Why is it so easy to help others out and believe the advice you give them, but when you give yourself advice, you don’t take it or believe it?

Maybe it’s more complicated than just telling myself what I have to do in order to heal. Maybe it’s the fear that I might be lying to myself about how I truly feel or something. Maybe I just overthink the scenarios if I acted upon them in the advice I give out. It’s definitely a weird game of devil’s advocate, so how do I stop doing that? How do people who believe the advice they give to others start believing it for themselves and their own problems?

I say we just have to practice doing so. We have to be confident enough with the advice we give out to others that we are able to literally practice what we preach.

For me, I’m learning that as time passes.

You honestly have to be your own support system, cheerleader, therapist, life counselor; pretty much your own damn fanbase in life because no one is going to go hard for you like you. 

So, why not believe in the things you believe for others and why not be the person you are for others for yourself?

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Self-Appreciation Saturdays

SAS: A Letter to My Former Self. (10/12/19)

liz

To the Liz that was struggling this time last year,

It’s ya girl, Liz.

A lot of things changed that you aren’t aware of because you’re very busy currently being inside of your head, worrying about everything else around you in life. To be quite honest, we aren’t that different; I still struggle with some of the things you do as well, I am still learning how to balance my major depression and social anxiety disorder, and, well – I’m still trying to figure out my purpose and place on this planet.

Of course, I’ve grown since this body was living in your mindset, and I’m here to remind you that this rough patch you’re experiencing; the hopeless, sadness, and the inability to make yourself feel better isn’t always going to last.

It’s quite funny how many times I have to remind some version of myself that things will get better.

It’s like we forget that life gets hard but no matter what, we shouldn’t give up on ourselves.

Anyway, I remember the place you were at this time last year, Liz. You felt like you had no purpose, you were unemployed and so desperate to find a job, you felt unhappy in many points of your life, therapy was the only constantly good thing happening in your life, and you were dealing with some things that you didn’t know where major contributions to your undiagnosed depression.

I know you’re feeling as if there’s nothing worth living for; to be quite honest, it’s going to worsen for you as the weeks pass. But, let me remind you why I’m here today: because you were strong enough to not give up.

I got to see most of 25, and in a couple of months, I’ll get to see 26. I got the chance to cut my hair into a pixie cut and gain the confidence I now have for myself. I got the chance to start amazing projects with amazing people, find a great first job with great coworkers, and learn more about who I am. Of course, it’s not all pretty and full of rainbows: I’ve lost a lot of important elements of my life that I’m afraid I’ll never get back, I’ve had moments of feeling like a failure, moments of feeling invalidated, moments of wishing there were other people who were willing to save me from myself at times.

But, if there was anything that you taught me, it’s that you can’t save people, which means no one is going to be able to save you; only you can do that for yourself.

Don’t depend on people to be your happiness. People have to be their own happiness, and they can only add to the already happiness you have for yourself. The people in your life aren’t always going to be around, whether they’re unavailable in the moment you need them or they simply aren’t a major part of your life anymore. You have to be your own best friend, supporter, cheerleader, shoulder to cry on, and advice-giver. Yeah, it’s great if we have people in our lives who play some of these roles in your life, but at the end of the day, you have to do it for yourself.

Just like everything in life, you had to do it for yourself. You have to get out of your funks by yourself, you have to comfort yourself when things go wrong, and you have to be the reassurance figure in your life telling you that everything is going to be okay and that you’re worth it.

Once you learn how to be your own damn everything, you’ll know how to take care of yourself in times of need.

Of course, I’m not saying you can’t find some sort of happiness in others. You’ll later realize that socializing with other people, even if it’s just a customer or two, will help brighten up your days. You later realize that you’ll get to know yourself better by socializing with new people; it’s a chance to re-introduce yourself to people who don’t care about the mistakes and mishaps you made in the past. You later realize that you don’t always want to be alone in your thoughts, but another human interaction is actually quite healthy for your healing.

Liz, I’m telling you that after any bump on the road you find yourself tripping over, there’s a smooth surface with tons of things that are worth seeing through.

I know you won’t give up on yourself, it’s why I’m here, getting the chance to tell you that your decision to keep fighting is worth it, just how I know my future self will thank me for choosing to fight rather than give up.

We got this, Liz.

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Voiceless Rant: The Series

A Voiceless Rant: October 2019 Edition.

liz

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz.

Can I be honest with you guys? This week has been mentally draining for plenty of reasons. Despite it being that time of the month which always leaves me in some sort of depressive episode, this week particular is a hard one to get through without reflecting and feeling immensely sad. I’m grateful that this week, out of all weeks, I’ll be at therapy, talking things out, in hopes that talking to someone about these thoughts and feelings will help me get through the rest of the week.

With that being said, I want to talk about some deeper things in this month’s installment of:

voiceless rant

Let’s just say I’ve been dreading for this time to come, and no distractions will be able to help me out around this time.

The past couple of months have been honestly a test of survival for me. It’s been a test of being alone, living my life day-by-day, without the things in it that were crucial parts of my days. It’s like when a part of your routine just stops happening, it feels like you hit this reset button on your life and now you don’t remember how it felt like to have certain parts of your day in your day anymore. 

I have to be honest with you all: I don’t know how I’ve made it this far without being self-destructive. Maybe it’s therapy reminding me that I’m worth more than I think I am and that things do get better. Maybe it’s the routine I’ve developed at my job that has now given me some sort of distraction from the negative thoughts in my head. Maybe I’m just learning how to get day-by-day with just me to comfort myself.

At the beginning of this major change, I was having suicidal thoughts and self-harmed one night after sitting in my thoughts. Since then, I’ve made a safety plan with my therapist in order to help prevent myself from self-harming again, but I can’t sit here and say that I’ve been willing to actually sit myself down and process everything that has happened in the last couple of months.

It’s like I’m scared of opening up my bottled emotions because the mess will be too big for me to clean up. But, I feel like I’m just filling up that bottle more by not allowing myself to feel these things.

I’m afraid of crying over my loss. I’m afraid that I will miss the person I was before my major loss in my life. I’m afraid of even moving forward and being okay because my heart is still so tied up in this major loss. I’m also afraid that my safety plan won’t work, and that I will end up hurting myself.

So, I decided to distract myself and protect myself from myself by not allowing myself to reflect, which is not good.

I don’t know when I started to become fearful of feeling, but it’s like every time I start to feel any sort of emotion that’s sadness, I immediately hold back and distract myself until I just forget about it. And I’m aware that I’m doing that because then I won’t have these moments when I ask myself if I’m just faking that I’m alright or am I really alright.

If I have to ask myself that question, chances are it’s the former.

My point being is that I need to learn how to process my emotions without fearing for the worst; I have to stop thinking that if my emotions spill out and fall all over, I’m bound to cut myself so bad that I’ll end up in the hospital. I’m not even exaggerating. It’s honestly times like this that I wonder if I’m actually getting better for if I’m just masking my true nature really well. Like, I’m surprised that I haven’t resorted to alcohol or drugs to help me not feel things anymore. I’m surprised I haven’t got addicted to anything harmful just so I wasn’t able to process my major loss. But, I’m also very upset that I’ve allowed myself to completely mask how I truly feel about this major event in my life. 

I don’t know if there are any of you like me out there, but if there are, I hope you allow yourself to start feeling again. I hope that you stop sitting on your emotions in hopes that you’ll just forget about them as time progresses. I hope that whatever is troubling you this week that you get through it in one piece, with at least one genuine smile, and with at least one genuine good day under your belt.

I hope I am able to start processing my emotions, even if it temporarily leaves me in a bad headspace. Things like this are not meant to be easy, especially when it’s your first time going through something major in your life.

난 당신이 그리워요.

Things will get better.

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Self-Appreciation Saturdays

SAS: My Relationship with Security. (10/5/19)

liz

self-appreciation saturday

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

Let’s get straight into the meat and potatoes, shall we?

Last weekend, I went out with an old high-school friend of mine, Nina. She goes by SparklyWarTanks on her own blog, and her mission is to help others recognize and begin their healing journey of life. We definitely caught up, share some laughs, and also had some deep conversations that were honestly very needed for my own journey of self-recovery and discovery.

You see, she had me take an Enneagram test; in the psychology world, it’s basically a personality test that determines what characteristics and traits you have and how you are able to live your life according to those said things. It was relatively quick, and after I was finished with the test, I pretty much found out that I was a “type 6”, or in other words, “The Loyal Skeptic”.

Being a type 6, in Nina’s words, is really being a devil’s advocate; they are either hot or cold, confident or insecure, assertive or passive, pretty much indecisive about every uncertainty of life. As I read more and more about this type, I felt really attacked. Like, mind-reader attacked. How can one simple explanation answer all of the confusing, intangible things that I always thought about? How did a 5-minute test pick me out to be a type 6 out of the possible 9 there are? If that wasn’t enough, one thing about being this type of personality struck me the most:

My relationship with security.

Security, for me, is honestly something that becomes a little harder for me to want as I got older. When I was a teenager, I kept people around way longer than I should’ve, I held onto ideologies and moments that made me feel comfortable, and it was hard for me to try new things and let go of old things in life. If I don’t have some sort of security getting me through the day, I’m basically a trainwreck and a huge ball of anxiety.

Maybe my need for security is what ultimately caused my anxiety disorder? Maybe, maybe not, but it sure explains why it’s a lot harder for me to understand that I don’t always need to control or be controlling in certain situations.

Whatever security means in my soul, it makes a whole lotta sense on why I am who I am and why I behave the way I do in situations when I feel like I lose control over a part of my security I was used to having.

For example, a lot of things in my life has changed this year, let alone within the last two months. Some things were left under my control, and some of them it wasn’t my place to try and control anything or anyone in the first place. Either way, adjustment, and change are two vocabulary words I hate the most; they require me to go outside the box (or my shell) and actively do something about the action in progress. It’s still not easy, and every night I think about going back to my old ways and habits only because they provide me with security I am used to. Being uncertain is a fear of life, and it seems like being a type 6 is exactly that: a beautiful mess.

Acknowledging my need and desire for security in life was one that I believe I needed in order to start making more healthier decisions in my life. I now how an understanding of why I become a certain way when things don’t feel secure around me; I constantly worry everything can be taken away in a blink of an eye. Being self-aware of it now allows me to reflect on the type of relationship I have with a trait such as complete reassurance.

It really does remind me of a conversation I had with someone close to my heart telling me that if I’m not comfortable doing something, I won’t bother doing it at all.

To some extent, I guess it’s right. In those moments when I don’t feel competent enough to do the things overs want me to do, I simply just don’t do it. I’m afraid of falling and failing. I’m afraid of not having a security plan to back up all of the negative things being said when I do make a bad decision or mistake. I will always think I did something wrong or something is wrong and we’ve yet to fix it.

So, how do I fix my relationship with security?

Well, I’m learning along the way. I’m trying to learn that it’s okay being uncomfortable in certain, harmful situations. I’m trying to learn that it’s okay to make a decision and stick by it without allowing people to influence my decisions. I’m learning that there are going to be times when I don’t have complete control over everything, but I am still able to control myself.

Finding a balance between challenge and security is definitely a tough task; it’s not something that happens overnight. It takes time to understand and get into situations that test your ability and willingness to try something different. To challenge the healthy and unhealthy types of security I may have in my life is something that I believe will be another big step in my journey of healing.

Acknowledging it is just the first step into fixing this relationship I have with security.

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Topic Tuesdays: Advice

Let’s Talk About Empathy & Sympathy.

liz

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

New month, new beginnings, new adventures, new lessons, and new experiences to grow from. Every month for me is truly a journey, and for the 9 months of 2019 we went through, it’s been a long, hard journey.

I wanted to talk about this idea that I feel many of us misinterpret or misuse when talking about desires, personality traits, and resolving conflicts with people. We’ve all heard of sympathy; we can hear other people and their stories and understand where they are coming from, and because we understand, we can respect others for sharing their emotions and feelings to the public. Being sympathetic is a good trait to have; people trust other people who are willing to hear them out and understand their feelings and emotions about a specific situation. Those closest to you are trusting of you enough to allow them to express their feelings and emotions without any judgment, but it also allows the person receiving and listening to still keep their distance emotionally for their own personal sake.

So, why would people rather have someone to talk to who is empathetic than sympathetic?

Well, let’s define what empathy truly means. Empathy, in its most simple form, is when the person listening to the person who is expressing their feelings and emotions not only understands how that person feels, but they also feel how that person is feeling. In other words, someone who is empathetic knows how it feels to be in similar shoes of the person who is expressing their emotions and feelings. Sounds good, right? Wouldn’t it be great to have a friend or two in life who are willing to feel the way that you feel about something to the same degree? Wouldn’t it be right if the person you’re talking to also feels the way you feel in certain situations? Wouldn’t empathy be the great trait to have in friendships or relationships because as humans, all we want for the people we care for the most is to feel how we feel about certain scenarios and situations?

On paper, it sounds like a better trait. In practice, not so much.

For a while, I thought I was one of the special ones and thought I was empathetic more than sympathetic. I’m always taking what people tell me in confidence to heart, whether it’s a negative or positive situation. I thought I was the type of person that you could come to and talk about feelings and emotions because I knew how to respond to them and how to handle people in their most vulnerable state. Especially when it came to mental health, I thought I knew that because I go through mental health issues myself, it automatically enrolls me into the Empathy Club.

I believe I showcase empathy in certain situations, but I’m not an empathetic person.

Maybe I haven’t figured out the balance of being empathetic and still keeping my inner core strength, but in the years I’ve done experienced empathy-focused conversations and discussions, I do not have that power yet to separate myself from those said scenarios. In other words, every time I allowed myself to feel someone else’s emotions and feelings, it negatively impacted me and my mental health.

Empathy is truly a blessing and a curse; it’s great to be the person who can feel the emotions others are going through, but it also takes a toll on your own personal being, and from experience, it becomes this toxic cycle of needing empathy from other people when in hindsight, I believe no one can ever fully be empathetic.

Well, I can only speak for myself. 

It doesn’t mean that I’m this cold-hearted bitch that you can’t talk to without making you feel like shit; I do believe I’m a very sympathetic person. I’ve always been sympathetic and I’ve always understood (if not, then I tried to understand) where another person is coming from and where their headspace is at. I try my hardest not to judge people and allow them to come as they come because I know that’s how I want to be treated in return. I can be sympathetic and understanding of one’s feelings and emotions, but for my own personal mental health reasons, I can’t allow myself to feel, nor will I ever fully feel how someone else is feeling.

I mean, how can you possibly feel what another person is feeling? I’m not talking about intimate relationships either, but the everyday relationships you have with your family, friends, co-workers, strangers, etc? You don’t know how it feels to live in the life of those in your life. You don’t know the type of struggles they go through, what they have to deal with on a day-to-day- basis, nor why they act the way they act. You simply don’t know, all you can do is understand. 

If I learned anything within this year, it’s the fact that I won’t ever feel the same way a person feels. I may know how it feels, I may understand how it feels through experiences in life, but I will never feel what other people are feeling. People’s triggers, breaking points, breaking good/bad news will always be different for every individual, hence the way they act or feel about it is unique to them.

But maybe I’m just being too logical about this. 

Maybe there is a way where you can feel another person’s feelings and emotions without losing yourself in the process. Maybe you can understand what caused a person to feel the way they do, and experience it yourself internally or something. Maybe there are ways where you could be aware enough to the point whenever you approach someone with your own emotions and feelings, you ask in advance if they can handle you at this given moment.

Maybe empathy is something you have when you’re confident enough with yourself. Maybe being an empathetic person isn’t my alignment because I’m on this “good selfish” path where I’m finally prioritizing myself. Maybe being sympathetic is all I can offer to people at the moment, not because I’m self-centered, but because I still care about people and the way they feel; however, at the end of the day, the way I feel and my mental state of mind comes first.

Being sympathetic isn’t a bad thing, y’ know! Of course, there will be people disguising themselves as sympathetic people because it’s the right thing to try to understand where a person’s feelings and emotions are coming from. People vent to one another in hopes that the other person understands them and, if asked, suggest some advice to them!

Emotionally keeping your distance from people isn’t always a bad thing. Yeah, it sounds like it’s bad, but it doesn’t have to be. Keeping your distance when someone is expressing their feelings and emotions towards you allows you to see the situation through an unbiased lens. If you have a friend who’s telling you she slashed her ex-boyfriend’s tires after looking through his DMs, you gotta let her know that all that shit was unnecessary and now she has a bigger problem in her hands. You can understand why she did it, but it doesn’t mean that what she did was right. In another scenario, if you have a friend who opens up to you about domestic violence in their household, you still can have the distance away from the situation to be there for that friend. You can understand the pain she’s going through without allowing your feelings and emotions to get in the way of the situation.

So, whether you are an empathetic person or a sympathetic one, those are two good traits to have at least one of. You become a resource for the people in your life that might have no one else to discuss things with. You’re reliable, trustworthy, and kind enough to understand or feel what others are telling you in confidence. For years, I’ve been the person that my friends came to whenever they had hardships in their lives, and whether or not I’ve personally gone through similar situations (yeah, I’m talking about middle school Liz who gave out relationship advice with NO relationship experience), I’ve listened and helped out in the best way I could.

There isn’t no wrong or right way to be there for the people you care about, as long as you’re doing what’s right for you and for those who you care for. Empathy, sympathy, whatever works best for you, you are still being a helpful friend to others.

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