Blogust 2019: The Series, Voiceless Rant: The Series

A Voiceless Rant: August 2019 Edition.

Screenshot 2018-08-06 at 9.57.22 PM - Edited

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

It feels like it’s been an eternity since once of these posts were written and published on the blog. I mention this on almost every post, but these are some of my favorite things to write because it’s just a whole bunch of thoughts typed under one big post. Yes, here is this month’s installment of:

voiceless rant

Have you ever been so determined to change something in your life while you were depressed? Isn’t that uncommon for people with clinical depression to feel?

This month alone, I’ve done a lot of thinking about my future and how much I am ready to get my life started. I’m looking forward to (hopefully) get hired for a job, I’m looking forward to having my own money and to do whatever the hell I want with it, and I’m looking forward to making some life-changing decisions towards my life. I say this almost every year, but I am more determined than ever to actually stop saying it and start doing it.

I want to feel like a 25-year-old woman. I want to buy things, I want to pamper myself, I want to save for a vacation out of the state or country, man I want like 2 different tattoos! I just want to feel like I can talk my shit and back it up too, but most importantly, I want a productive routine. I want to get up outta bed, put on some clothes, and work towards something like I did in grad school. I want to feel that excitement of coming home after a long day to relax and watch the new episodes on Game Grumps each night. I just want to feel like I’m working towards something, and sometimes I feel like the work I’m doing now is just not doing it for me anymore. It’s sorta like I want to read on to the next chapter of my life.

Lemme explain.

I am coming to a place with my mental health that now feels like the perfect opportunity to take risks and do the things I was terrified to do before. Applying for jobs that didn’t fit my comfort zone was out of the question, doing anything that required socialization was scary, and becoming one with myself and my mental health was hard to grasp when I first started seeking help. Now that I’m in a place where I’m now more accepting of it and on most days doesn’t hinder me, I am ready to focus my energy on other things I may have issues with.

For starters, I’ve stopped keeping up my haircuts for my pixie cut a couple of weeks ago; I decided I’m now ready to start growing it out. Don’t get me wrong, the pixie hair has helped me gain confidence in myself I never knew existed, but I do miss my hair and my iconic ponytail. Y’know which one:

The iconic ponytail: Early 2017

Although I have a long way to go to get back to where I was, I’m also trying to grow out my hair without dyeing it. Yep, it will be almost… uh, how long? I think 15 years since I last had virgin hair. I’m just ready for a fresh new canvas and possibly get some of my natural curls back in the process! My hair goal right now is to get my “Kpop boy band” look back, which shouldn’t take that long actually. By the time the Fall comes around, my hair should be around that long.

The Kpop Boy Band Hair: Late 2018

Also, regarding physical appearance, I have also made it a mission to get healthy. Lemme clarify that: healthy to be healthy, not healthy to become skinny. As I’ve been accepting my body for who she is, I still do find myself struggling with things that are linked to my weight, and I know if I just change some old habits and commit to a new lifestyle change, I would feel even better if 20 pounds were off my body. Of course, I have a lot more than 20 pounds to lose, and my last resort will be surgery. I’m just way too young to be at the weight that I am, and I’m also way too young to be a borderline diabetic. It’s not good for the longevity of my health, and I think I’m finally ready to take my physical health just as seriously as I am with my mental health. They are both important!

There’s nothing wrong with feeling like you need to begin some new things in your life; it means that you’re ready for some changes! Maybe it’s a sign that you’re changing as well, and sometimes those old habits that you were keeping are just not cut out for you anymore. It’s okay to feel that way, to want more out of life. I’m ready to come into 2020 next year employed, a little healthier than before, with some beautiful healthy locks, and feel like I’m in a good place. As I realize I’m not getting any younger (people in their 30’s and 40’s are cringing reading that) I realize that I’m trying to live my twenties the best way I possibly could. Like, I want to enter my 30’s as put together as Ro for God’s sake. (If you’re reading this: Love you, Ro!) With that, comes some learning, some patience, and some growing.

Here’s to the ‘ber months working towards a better me, and hoping for some damn new tattoos on my body. 

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