Category: The “Something” Series: Season 3

Something told me that once I finally let someone in my life love me again, it would all eventually go downhill. It wasn’t because the person will eventually get sick of me and stop loving me, but my life was incapable of allowing another person to love me. I figured this out on my first official date with Sahim one night.

I ran back to my room after practice one night, stripping everything off my body and getting into the shower. I didn’t have much time to think about what I was going to wear or do with my hair, but knowing Sahim he wouldn’t care so much about that. I couldn’t lie to myself and say I wasn’t nervous; sure, Sahim and I have spent a lot of time together as if they were dates, but this was the first one that we went on where we were now officially dating. Since telling Aimee, she has called me non-stop, wanting details of what our first date was going to be.

“Girl, we’re just going to some karaoke bar downtown,” I said over the phone as I looked in the mirror. “This is the most simple first official date I’ve had at this point.”

“But that’s the thing,” Aimee began to say. “This is your first date with Sahim as his girlfriend.” I felt my face get hot hearing Aimee say it; I haven’t even said it out loud to myself.

“It’s going to be fine,” I tell myself more than Aimee. It’s just Sahim, your co-worker-turned-lover-boyfriend… “I’m more worried about him hearing how I sound singing karaoke than being on a date with him.”

“Oh he’ll tune you out,” Aimee teased before laughing. “Seriously though, go out and have fun. You’ve had a lot on your plate ever since Sonia gave you this side-project for the production. Aimee wasn’t wrong; I feel like I haven’t had the time to actually enjoy my free time since taking on these dance projects. Not only did I have to choreograph a completely new section of the production, but Sonia wanted me to actually come up with a solo routine for the closing portion of the show as well. I didn’t have much time left in Korea; the production has exactly 20 more weeks left before it’s over. It sounds like a while from now, but to think that we’ve already been here for the production for nearly 6 months now is mind-blowing.

“I know,” I said as I began to do my hair. I didn’t have time to straighten it, so a updo was going to have to do the trick for this date. “I’m excited though. It should be fun tonight.”

…

Sahim and I went to this karaoke place in downtown Changwon that Summer had suggested. Although surrounded by other brightly-lit stores, it was located on a street that wasn’t as busy with tourists. Sahim opened the front door for me as we both entered the place.

We walked into one of the karaoke rooms fill of blinking LED lights accompanied by two microphones and a TV up on the wall.

“This is a cute little spot,” Sahim said as he looked around the room. I looked back at him, in awe just how excited he gets for the most simple things.

“Summer told me about this place; I figured it would be a cute first-“

“Date?” Sahim smiled as he looked back at me. I felt my face getting hot once again. He grabbed my waist to bring he closer to him.

“Sahim, this isn’t America,” I began to say. “We’ll get banned if they found us in the room this close.” Sahim couldn’t help but laugh. “But to answer your question; yes.” I walked over towards the big book of karaoke songs on the table next to the microphones. Sahim takes ne of the microphones and stands in front of the TV.

“Alright, Tiny Dancer, pick a song for me to butcher the hell out of,” Sahim said, confidently. I laughed, skimming through the pages of the book. I come across Dreams by Fleetwood Mac and suddenly feel my stomach drop to the floor. The thing about music is that because it was so universal, it always has enough weight to carry memories and past versions of yourself. I quickly flipped the page, erasing the memories, ignoring all of my past selves. I take the remote and type in the number of the song I picked. New memories. New selves.

Sahim looked at the blank screen before it came back on with the background of Elton John sitting at a piano at one of his concerts. Sahim laughed out loud, not believing I would chose this song for him to sing.

“Tiny Dancer? Really?” Sahim asked as he laughed.

“Come on, lets go!” I said to Sahim, pointing at the screen as the words started to appear. He begins to poorly sing the song, which makes it even cuter to watch him. He misses a couple of words here and there, trying to catch the beat when he does. I didn’t realize that someone can do so poorly at karaoke. The song finally ends and the score appears on the screen: a 70%. Sahim turns around in disbelief as I cover my mouth.

“Not this karaoke grading you like it’s an exam,” Sahim said as he pointed towards the TV. I couldn’t help but finally laugh.

“This one is pretty brutal,” I agreed. “They take their karaoke singing seriously.” Sahim puts the microphone on the table and sits next to me on the sofa.

“Well,” Sahim began to say before snatching the book from my lap. “It’s now your turn.” He kisses me quickly on the cheek before skimming through the book. I sighed, grabbing a microphone from the table and standing up. Sahim looked up at me for a brief moment before he started to laugh.

“What are you laughing at?” I asked Sahim, crossing my arms along my chest.

“You’re standing there as if this is a chore, babe,” Sahim said as he flipped through the book. “Let me remind you that this was your idea.”

“What else were we supposed to do for a first date as a couple, yet alone in a foreign country? Sit around our hotel room and eat expensive room service all night?” I playfully argued.

“Don’t worry, baby,” Sahim teased. “We’ll eventually get to that type of date.” He points the remote at the screen and chose the song I’ll be singing to. I turned around and looked at the screen. To my surprise, it’s a Kpop song.

“Sahim!” I turned around as he laughed. “I can’t sing Korean! This is unfair!” I walked over to Sahim to grab the remote from him. Because of his height, he was able to keep the remote from me in a good arm’s distance. I fall over onto him sitting on the couch as the instrumental plays on the TV. I looked at Sahim as he looked at me. I kissed him hard, using my hand to tussle his hair in between my fingertips. He smiled so good today. His smile was so white, the black light in the room made them standing out more every time he smiled. He accepted the kiss, grabbing my waist with his free hand. Kissing Sahim wasn’t anything new; we’ve done so plenty of times in our uncertain phase of this. Kissing Sahim as a couple though… whoa. I nearly forgot how we even got to this place.

I quickly got a hold of the remote in Sahim’s hand, and quickly got up once I did. Sahim, laying back on the sofa, looked surprised.

“Got it!” I said, dancing around as I teased Sahim. He sat up, still looking in disbelief.

“A distraction; a classic move,” Sahim nodded his head as he said. “You got me there, babe.” It was sweet to hear Sahim call me ‘babe’ or ‘baby’ as soon as we became a couple. It rolled so naturally off his tongue; it was like he was always suppose to say it to me.

“Thank you, thank you,” I take a celebratory bow. I turned around nd chose the song I wanted to sing. “You get to hear how a professional karaoke singer does it.” As I turn back toward the TV, I took a deep breath before the words started to appear on the screen. I began to sing the words, softly as the song was meant to be sung slow. I know I don’ have the musical ability like my parents did, but it made these types of experiences a lot less stressful. I began to sway side-to-side in place, singing the words as the LED lights spun around the room. Shortly after, I feel Sahim wrap his arms around me, swaying to the beat with me. It made me feel warm inside for the first time in a really long time. In this moment, I feel at ease, as if I’m finally allowing myself to live in the moment.

Of course, it doesn’t last long once I hear my cellphone ringing on top of the table nonstop.

I finally turned around with Sahim and see Skylar’s name pop up on my screen. Once it stops ringing, I notice just how many times she tried calling me. She called one more time before I finally picked up the phone.

“Sky?” I answered, wondering what was going on. “Whoa, whoa, whoa; you have to slow down; what happened?” I looked at Sahim looking at me, also wondering what the hell was going on. “Okay, okay; I’ll come to you, gimme 20 minutes.” I hung up the phone and took a deep breath. “Of course something always has to happen…”

“Hey?” Sahim softly said, trying to get me to focus. I looked up at him, feeling defeated and exhausted towards everything that is yet to happen with Sky. “I’ll drive you there.”

“No; she’s my cousin,” I began to say as I gathered my belongings. “I don’t want you to get involved in the family drama-“

“I’ll drive you there,” Sahim interrupted and solidified his statement. I didn’t want to fight him; if anything, I needed to save my energy for Skylar.

“Okay,” I whispered, walking out of the room full of LED lights to face my reality.

“So do you have to get really dressy for this show?” I asked Grace as I looked inside of my closet. I walked out, pulling a matching suit from the closet. Grace sits on my bed, leaning back looking toward me.

“Jamie, it’s a show; not a wedding,” Grace teased. “A button down and some slacks should be fine. You should have something like that in your closet considering it’s all you wear.”

“Which brings me to my former question: do we have to be really dressy for the show?” I asked. Grace laughed and got up from the bed, walking toward the closet. She looks through the various hangers with clothes on them. She pulls out a collared sweater and some black slacks with my favorite dress shoes.

“You’ll be the best dressed in the theater,” Grace smiled as she said. She puts the clothes on the bed and reaches for my glasses on the nightstand. She walked back toward me and out the glass on my face. “Especially with your glasses.” I couldn’t help but smile at her.

“Jaemin?” I hear someone call out my name. I turned around and see Haram standing near the bedroom door. She’s in a turtleneck and skirt with some boots. She smiles and walks into the room, looking at the outfit I had decided to put on. “You look handsome for dinner tonight, oppa.” I turned around and looked at her, smiling. She scrunches her face, taking the glasses off of my face. “The contacts are better.”

“I just wanted to be a bit more comfortable tonight,” I walked to the vanity and take off the glasses. I take my contacts from the top drawer, looking down at them. “But anything for my lady.” I faintly smiled as Haram hugged me behind and kissed me on the cheek.

…

Every other weekend, Haram and I would go out and explore the city; our schedules were so busy during the week that we promised each other that no matter what, we’d do this. This particular weekend, I was getting ready to meet Haram for dinner and a movie. I put on the same outfit I tend to always wear: a brown collared sweater and black slacks. Today, I opted in to wear white sneakers to change the causality of the outfit; also, to get out of my comfort zone. I also wear my glasses today only because it’s better for me when watching movies.

I took a deep breath before leaving my bedroom. I walked downstairs to get ready to head out for the evening. Before I could do so, I hear the door knock. I walked to the door, opening it to see Haram standing there.

“Jagiya,” I said, surprised to see her here. “I thought I was going to pick you up today.”

“I had a feeling you needed some extra time to get ready,” Haram added, looking at my glasses.

“I know you hate the glasses,” I said, smiling at Haram’s change of expression.

“They just make you look like a boy rather than a man,” Haram teased, rustling my hair.

“Ya,” I whined, shaking my head to put my hair back in place. “It took forever to style my hair like this.” Haram giggled, helping me place my hair as it was.

“Okay, K-pop idol,” Haram continued to tease me until she put her hand in mine and walked me out of my apartment. We didn’t go that far to go out for dinner; we went to a hotpot place that always sold the juiciest of meat. We always sit at the corner of the restaurant; the table where you can look outside the window and see the city in action. We sat down in our usual seats; Haram smiling at me as she does.

“So, have you thought about teaching at PNU this Fall?” Haram asked. Haram and I have spoken about shifting my career towards teaching, especially as we speak more about our future. It was weird actually planning things out after just doing things off of a whim most of my life. She balanced that chaotic, uncertain side of myself.

“I have a meeting with the Dean in a couple of weeks,” I said, looking down at the menu. I wasn’t against leaving the firm. I’ve worked under this firm for the last 7 years and I was beginning to feel like maybe it was time to move onto other endeavors. Plus, if I wanted to ever settle down and have kids of my own, I wanted to be more involved than your typical man of the house.

“That’s great!” Haram excitingly responded, smiling as she took a sip of her drink. “It’ll be great to move closer to the Busan area; buy a house with a backyard, out of the city.” I learned early on that Haram was raised in the rural area of Andong-si. She moved to Changwon-si to teach, but she’s expressed that she will eventually like to move back into a rural area. We decided that Busan would be the best of both worlds; I would still be close enough to the city for work and she can have her own house and garden area. I smiled at Haram’s excitement.

“That would be nice,” I added. The waitress brings us our meat and garnishes for the night; both Haram and I thank her.

“Hopefully you are able to get the teaching position before Minji’s wedding,” Haram added. “Hopefully a lot of things are done before this Fall.”

“Ya,” I whined again, hearing the anxiety in Haram’s voice. “Everything will fall into place; don’t worry.” Haram doesn’t look convinced. “I promise.” The reality of it was that I didn’t know how or when things would fall into place. I still had so much thinking to do and I still had to think about so many other people when it came to making big decisions like this. I had to think about my family before I was able to think about creating my own.

“I’m just mentioning it,” Haram said, grabbing a piece of meat and grilling it in the pot in front of us. “I feel like you put yourself behind everyone else, and you deserve to have just as much as a future as those you surround yourself with.”

“Like who?” I asked, genuinely curious in who she’s talking about.

“Shawn, for example,” Haram pointed out. “The night I needed you to pick me up from my job because my car broke down, you were out taking care of him after going out for drinks.”

“I had Lia pick you up that night,” I responded. “It’s not like I had you stranded in the middle of Changwon-si.”

“That’s not the point, Jaemin,” Haram stated. “My point is that we are supposed to have each other’s backs and if something goes wrong, we should be able to handle it. I was embarrassed having your younger sister pick me up instead of you.” I told Haram that I needed to take Shawn home after he got wasted at the bar that one night. The truth was that night, I was driving Grace back to the place she was staying at. Of course I didn’t want to mention it to Haram; how was I suppose to explain that I was too busy driving my ex back home because she’s a foreigner that wanted to take a sketchy cab home instead? There was no motive behind the gesture, as I’ve been in love with something else for some time now. I tell myself that to justify my decision making.

“I’m just saying, Jaemin; it’s the things that we do now that will determine how our future will pan out,” Haram said, reaching out for my hand across the table. I put my hand in hers. Sometimes I feel like she’s constantly waiting for me to make the next move regarding our future and I just hold her hand ad have her anticipate what’s to come for our future.

“I promise I will change my prioritizes together,” I said, smiling and lying through my teeth. The truth was that I never put myself first because of everyone else around me. I needed to make sure that everyone was okay before I am; I was taught that through my own father. I wonder if he felt fulfilled at the end of his life, or did he die without ever feeling what was like to put himself first?

My father was a man that did not let others know if he was struggling or going through something troubling. He was a private person, and he would only show expression through the actions h did for other people. I didn’t understand why he was like that until his passing; until I became the man in the family that needed to take care of his mother and sisters. Lia and Mina were all able to move on with their lives, but let me try to move too far away from home to get my life together.

My phone begins to ring inside of my pocket, in which I immediately take out to answer. It’s Shawn. Speaking of the devil.

“Shawn?” I answered the phone. He sounds distraught over the phone.

“Hyung,” Shawn said. “I need your help!”

“What happened?” I asked, now worried. Haram looks up at me, wanting to know the situation.

“Please, I’m in Changwon-si,” Shawn began to explain. “I just–” I hear Shawn trying to take deep breaths, possibly trying to keep his composure together.

“Shawn, what is going on?” I asked, now more stern. Before Shawn can even have a panic attack over the phone, I tried to be a bit more gentle with him. “Shawn, just send me your address. I’ll come meet you.” I look up at Haram who looks a little annoyed now. This is exactly what she was talking about. I hung up the phone and sighed, now looking at Haram.

“Go,” Haram simply said. “He’s your friend, and he needs help.”

“Come with me,” I suggested, wanting to show her that I wasn’t trying to run off without her. “It’ll be quick; I just have to check up on Shawn.” Haram sighed loudly, gathering her things from the table as I paid the bill for dinner. I hope Shawn is alright.

“Grace,” Sonia kept calling out for me during our last stage rehearsal of the night. “See me after we’re done, please.” I took a deep breath as I felt today’s lunch swirl inside my stomach. These last couple of shows have been rough for me; injury after injury and sickness after sickness. A lot of the dancers are needing to fill in for each other, so the workload has been more than one person can handle for a couple shows a week.

Because of this, many of the dancers also left the production, whether it was my choice or not. Being as far away from home for this amount of time was starting to strain a lot of us. Many of the dancers have expressed they missed being with their families; many of them with young children that they constantly video chat during our breaks. It makes me feel bad; to sit with these women of children and to not necessarily feel the same things they do. Being in Korea hasn’t been as daunting as I thought it would be; does that make me a bad mother? Just when I think I’m enough to be considered a good parent, I see how it is to actually be a good parent.

I nodded my head as Sonia continued the rehearsal. I look over to Sahim, standing on the side of the stage looking at me with a worrisome expression on his face.

All the other dancers leave the stage for the night before Sonia is able to talk to me. I bend down to tie my sneakers; of course I would hear Sahim’s whispered voice echo just inches away from me.

“You’re okay?” Sahim asked, whispering due to how quiet the theater is now. I get up and look at Sahim; he faintly smiles to reassure me. He was great at doing so.

“Yeah,” I said, sighing. “Just waiting for Sonia to talk to me.” I crossed my arms and looked offstage toward Sonia talking to some other dancers. “What if she lets me go?”

“What?” Sahim reacted. “Why would she do something as absurd like that?”

“Look how many people left the production since opening,” I emphasized. “I feel like at this point, there’s not going to be a show left to do.”

“I can’t speak for the other dancers, but I can say that it’s all about who’s willing to work through the hardships and who doesn’t. You’re willing to work through it, clearly.” I looked out towards the audience again toward Sonia, ending another conversation with the last dancer there. She looked toward the stage at me and immediately I felt the knot sink to the pit of my stomach.

“Do you need something, Sahim?” Sonia said, looking at Sahim.

“Nope, I was just leaving,” Sahim nervously answered, clearing his throat afterward. Before he walks away, he whispers something to me. “I have to talk to you about something.” I looked up at Sahim, wondering what he meant by that. He walked away before Sonia said anything.

“Grace,” Sonia finally said, walking towards the stage.

“Hi, Sonia,” I greeted her, waiting for her to just rip the bandage off already. Once she got on the stage, she grabbed two folding chairs from the side, h anding one over to me. She sighed, which meant this wasn’t going to be a delightful conversation.

“Thank you again for speaking to me after rehearsal,” she began the conversation. “I know how valuable off-time is for a dancer.” I nodded my head, still feeling nervous. “How is Mollie doing?”

“Oh, uhm; she’s doing fine,” I answered, not expecting this to be the conversation. Sonia nods her head, adjusting herself in her seat.

“Tell her that I said hi,” Sonia said, smiling. It quickly vanished off her face once she took a deep breath. “So, we’re about half way into the production season, and we are going to change some things around considering that the production is getting smaller.” I couldn’t believe that we were already half way into the season. I feel like we just started, even though my body and exhaustion knows it’s been almost 6 months.

“Yeah,” I added in, just to let her know I was listening to her.

“We are closing the show for two weeks to revamp the production, and I want you to choreograph these two pieces we’re adding in.” My eyes widened. To say I was shocked was an understatement.

“Me?” I asked; it was the only thing I could say. Sonia nodded her head.

“Grace,” Sonia leaned in closer. “You have a natural gift in dancing, and the audience can see that. You bring something different in the way you dance, and I think it’s important that not only we envision what we think the production should look like, but how our own dancers see it too.” Sonia finally smiled at me, softening her hard exterior. “You’ll have until the end of the season to work on this project.”

“Sonia, I—“ I began to say, but she immediately looked like she was going to say something else, so I keep quiet.

“I know it’s a lot of work on top of the work you are already doing,” Sonia continued. “But I know you are going to be great. You are already great.”

“Thank you,” I said, smiling at Sonia’s kind words. “It means a lot coming from someone as experienced as you.” Sonia smiled and got up from her seat, holding her hand out toward me. I got up from my seat, shaking her hand in return.

…

I knocked on Sahim’s hotel door, feeling giddy and excited for what’s to come after speaking to Sonia. I wanted to share the good news with him; I know he would be supportive and excited for me about this next step of my dancing career. I knocked once more; maybe he didn’t hear me knocking. Moments later, Sahim opens the door.

“Grace?” Sahim said. I smiled at him, feeling too excited to stand in one place. “Everything okay?”

“I have something to tell you,” I said, inviting myself into Sahim room.

“Yeah?” Sahim said, closing the door behind me. I went to sit on one of the chairs in his room, facing him.

“It’s about my meeting with Sonia,” I said. Sahim grabs a chair next to me, sitting across from me. He seemed a little distraught; nothing how he would normally look like on a good day. “Are you okay?”

“Uhm, yeah,” Sahim said, looking down at his hands before looking up at me. “I also have been meaning to talk to you about something as well.”

“What is it?” I asked, wondering what has Sahim feeling kind of distant. He doesn’t say anything right away. It was like he was trying to find the right way to start this conversation. Before he said anything, he simply just sighed.

“I know time isn’t truly on our side working on such a major production like this, so it truly means a lot to me whenever we are able to spend time together around the city, or even in our rooms.” I smile, thinking about all the time we did spend together while being in Korea. Sahim made it easy to spend time with him. Since we worked on the same schedule, we always had off the same time. Sahim, from what I collected, seeks adventure. He’s constantly wanting to go to these different places in the city, whether or not he truly thinks it will be a good place to hang out. It’s in his nature to go out and explore; from what he’s told me about his life in America, he’s never in one place. In a way, I related with him on that. I could never seem to stay in one place for long periods of time.

“Me too,” I added. Sahim just smiled before he continued to speak.

“I just want to know if we are on the right track,” Sahim finally admitted, looking at me. “I really like you, Grace, and I would hate to lose you once the production is over.”

“Lose me?” I asked, wondering what Sahim meant by that. “How would you lose me?”

“I just feel like since being here, we’ve both been living in an alternate reality, like we’ve been on this vacation together,” Sahim stated. “I feel like once the production is over, the high is over… life goes back to what it was before and– I don’t know. I would hate to have you so close now and then lose you when we go back to America.” I take in everything that Sahim is saying, and in all honesty: it’s a first. Every relationship I’ve been in ended in one of us leaving; in me leaving. Sahim opened his hand, revealing his palm. I put my hand into his as he gently squeezed it.

“Sahim,” I began to say, trying to formulate my own sentences now. “We have so much time left. There’s no need for you to be worried about the future.”

“I know,” Sahim added, taking a deep breath. “I don’t want to do this when the time comes, because it will seem like I’m only doing this because we have to leave…” Sahim looks me in my eyes, still holding my hand. I feel the knot getting tighter in my stomach. “Which is why I am looking to make things a little more official at this point.”

“What?” I asked, the shock visible on my face. Sahim looked embarrassed once he saw my face; fuck, no; that’s not what I wanted to say or react. I squeezed my eyes shut. “I didn’t mean it like that, I’m sorry; it’s just-“

“Grace,” Sahim interrupted an sighed. “I know it’s scary. I know getting into something serious isn’t something that wasn’t on your bucket list of things to do while being in Korea.” He smiles when he looks at me. It always felt good to see him smile every time he looks at me when he’s nervous. “It wasn’t on mine either.” We both laugh, which makes things feel less intense then they were before. “But, I seriously couldn’t help myself while being with you during our time here. And I guess that’s why I bring it up.”

I began to picture a life with Sahim as my boyfriend; living in a house outside of the city but every weekend going back for a dinner date or Broadway show. I picture him meeting Willow for the first time, meeting my family and sharing stories about his journeys before the production. I picture him waking up every morning to remind me I have a rehearsal that day; he was always good at keeping me on track. I picture me meeting his family and seeing every place in his neighborhood that he grew up in. I pictured it so many times before, and I just don’t know if it ever will be something I’m capable of doing.

Before I can say anything else, Sahim begins to fill in the silence. I don’t blame him; he was probably nervous that I haven’t said anything about his confession.

“I understand if your past is making you weary about us,” Sahim mentioned. I scrunched my eyebrows together, a bit bothered that he would bring up my past. “And I know I can’t change anything about it–“

“Yeah, you can’t,” I spat back, which catches Sahim off-guard. “You don’t know what I had to go through in order to be at the place I am now.”

“No one is questioning that,” Sahim emphasized, now seeming like he’s coming down from the cloud nine he was on. “I’m just acknowledging the fact that you carry baggage that makes you nervous about trusting people now. You deserve to be happy, Grace. You deserve to hand that baggage to your past. You are also deserving of love, and that’s all I want to show you.”

I knew Sahim is right. I know I am the only one holding myself back from truly being happy. What am I truly holding onto at this point? Jamie? For what? He was living his life now with someone he allowed to love him despite his baggage, so why can’t I? Why can’t I just let Sahim love me?

I simply leaned in to kiss him and to my surprise, he kisses me back. It was like we were both yearning for it at this point. I knew I liked Sahim more than I was leading on, and I knew that with time and allowance, I was capable of giving the love Sahim deserved too. It’s about time, Grace.

I slowly backed away from the kiss, looking at Sahim in the eyes. He’s still leaned forward, looking back at me with those honey eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Sahim said through his smile. “I believe you also had something to tell me.”

“It can wait,” I said back, going back in for a kiss.

I have to admit something.

Something possessed me one Sunday night to go to Grace’s show again. The night I left my mom’s house I felt uneasy. I was driving along the road back toward the city, thinking about the night I first saw her dance. The first time was coincidental; I didn’t mean to go to her show. I didn’t know that out of all of the shows playing in Korea, I would end up going to her show. The initial shock of seeing her the first time made me realize that I didn’t remember the entirety of the show. This time, I wanted to actually see the show.

Before the venue doors opened, all of today’s viewers stood in the lobby, grabbing drinks and talking among each other. I wish that I wasn’t here in secret, maybe then I’d be more inclined to enjoy the night.

…

“Are you gonna miss me when I make it big in the dance industry?” Grace playfully asked, grabbing a French fry off of my plate.

“What do you mean ‘miss’,” I started to answer. “I’m going to be at every show when you do.”

“You’re willing to watch the same show 100 times, over and over again? That’s boring,” Grace scoffed.

“I am willing to watch you dance all 100 of those times,” I said, smiling at Grace. Her face gets red, blushing before she’s able to say anything back.

“Well,” Grace started to say as she twirled the straw of her drink. “Dreams are meant to be dreams.”

“Not for you, though,” I reassured Grace. “You’re resilient, and that’s something I’m not willing to see change about you.”

…

The show begins and I vaguely remember how it opened. Every dancer is immensely talented yet they all effortlessly work well with each other to create art on stage. I didn’t appreciate the craft until Grace introduced me to it, showing me the different style of dance and even some of her own home videos from when she was younger. I appreciate the technicality behind each dance step. It wasn’t a shock that she was so articulate as a lawyer; she was born articulated and detail oriented.

Shortly after, Grace comes out for her solo. She’s confident now; she has mastered the dance after doing it for quite some time now. She’s more animated now, telling more of the story through her body and facial expressions. She frowns and smiles and closes her eyes all in the right places; it’s like it’s a completely new dance. Once her solo was over, she got the reaction from the crowd like it was the first night all over again: standing ovation and cheering. I do the exact same.

After the show, everyone starts to exit the theater. I tried to leave as soon as the show ended’ I didn’t want to take the risk of being seen by Grace or anyone else near the venue. I was almost out of the clear until my phone began to ring. I took my phone out of my pocket and see that it’s Kevin calling.

“yeoboseyo?” I answered.

“Hyung,” Kevin responded. “JooAh and I just got into town, we’ll be at your place in about an hour.”

“It’s okay,” I said, looking around the theater. “I’m currently running errands, but I’ll be home before you guys get there…I’ll see you then.” I hung up the phone after saying bye to Kevin, quickly putting the phone in my pocket. I’m almost out of the venue, but to my surprise I hear my name being called. Fuck.

I slowly turned around and see Sahim waving his hand. As a reflex, I waved back, but fully processing the fact that Sahim was the one that recognized me and called out my name. I didn’t realize just how involved he was in the show, I didn’t realize just how much time he and Grace had spent between rehearsals and off-days from the production.

Sahim began walking up to me, in which I throw on the most fake smile I can think of.

“Hey man,” Sahim greeted me, giving me a hand pound. “I’m surprised to see you here.”

“Yeah,” I began to say, trying to come up with a convincing lie to tell. “Shawn had recommended that my girlfriend and I see the show… she’s in the bathroom right now.”

“Ahhhh, really? Did you like the show?” Sahim asked.

“It was great,” I politely said. “All of the dancers were amazing on stage.”

“Yeah, they all worked really hard to be here,” Sahim agreed before placing his hand on my shoulder. “If you and your girlfriend would like to grab dinner with Grace and I, you totally can.” I immediately shook my head, not because Haram actually wasn’t with me tonight, but he had just invited my girlfriend and I to a double date with him and my ex-girlfriend. I felt the bile rise up my throat.

“No, no, it’s okay,” I quickly said, trying to change the subject. “My girlfriend and I are meeting up with our friends, so…”

“Of course, man,” Sahim said, patting the spot on my shoulder that he was previously touching. “I’m glad you enjoyed the show.” I nodded my head and said goodbye to Sahim. I quickly headed for the exit, hoping Sahim wasn’t looking in my direction. I took a look back to see if he was; thankfully he was already talking to someone else. I walked out the exit.

…

“You’re okay, JooAh?” Haram asked, pouring hot water into a mug with a tea bag for her.

“Yes, thank you,” JooAh answered, slightly bowing out of respect. Kevin walks into the kitchen area with a purse in his hand; JooAh’s I’m assuming. He hands it over to his very pregnant girlfriend and kisses her on the forehead.

“Sorry for the scare,” JooAh began to say. “Sometimes the flare ups are worse than others.” Kevin has told me that JooAh’s pregnancy has been rough for the both of them; it’s the reason why we don’t get to see them as much anymore. I’m glad that when we do, we’re able to just go with what comes at us, and I’m glad Haram is able to help out.

“Why don’t we go into the living room and catch up,” Haram said to JooAh. “Let the men catch up in the kitchen.” JooAh nodded her head and got up from her seat. Haram helps her get into the living room as Kevin watches. Once the women are out of the room, Kevin lets out a deep sigh.

“Everything okay, Kevin?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he simply said, now looking at me. “It’s been a roller coaster for us these last couple of months.” I nodded, letting Kevin talk. “How about you? Have you seen Shawn yet?”

“Yeah,” I said. “He and Skylar left for Seoul a couple of weeks ago.”

“He introduced her to his family?”

“Yeah, and from what he excitedly said, his family likes her a lot,” I smiled as I said. “I’m happy for him; he deserves it.” Kevin didn’t say anything back; I have been the moderator between Shawn and Kevin for the last couple of months, ever since we left California last summer. Although they both have been in really good places in their relationships, they still haven’t spoken to each other. “I think he’s going to propose to Skylar while they’re here.

“Mwo?” Kevin asked, shocked. “So soon?”

“You know Shawn,” I began to say. “Shawn is going to do things the way Shawn does them.

“Despite what he may think about me, I can say that Skylar is good for him,” Kevin admitted.

“I agree,” I said, taking a deep breath. Kevin kept looking at me as if he was waiting for me to say more about this topic. “What?”

“Do you keep in touch with Grace?” Kevin nonchalantly asked. “You know, since you keep in touch with Shawn and Skylar…”

“No,” I quickly said, forcing the lie to roll off my tongue. “The last time we spoke was the ngiht before leaving California. Things got messy.”

“Weren’t things with Grace always messy?” Kevin scoffed. I tried to not react to his comment; I was supposed to be completely over Grace… I am completely over Grace. “You seem a lot happier these days, Hyung. I’m glad that you were able to move forward with your life after everything that woman put you through.” That woman. I grind my teeth together to keep my mouth.

“Let’s go and sit with the women,” I got up from my seat, walking towards the living room area.

In America, small concerts were never really small. No matter what, they will try to fit 200 people in a space where the capacity is only 150 people. When I was in college, I had went to a small concert with a bunch of my college friends in the city and got caught in the middle of a mosh pit. Let’s just say my mother was livid when I came back home with random bruises on my arms and legs since my father was due to come visit the following morning. It was fun, though.

In Korea, it looks like they take their events seriously. It was nice knowing that no matter what, I was guaranteed my seat and that the atmosphere was a lot calmer than what I was used to. I looked around the venue, watching everyone take their seats and engage in small talk. Before I could take my phone out, I hear my name being called.

“Grace!” I looked up and saw Summer waving her hand at me. I smiled and began to walk towards her. I’m grateful that even being in another country, I still have family here to visit.

“Hey Summer,” I greeted as I gave her a hug. “Thanks for inviting me out tonight.”

“As someone who is appreciative of the arts, it was only right to invite you,” Summer said as we walked to our seats. “How’s the production been going for you?”

“It’s been so good,” I happily said, smiling as I answered. “I can’t believe it’s already been a month since we first opened. Before I know it, the year would have gone by.”

“Evan always tells me the same thing,” Summer agreed. “He’ll go on tour with this band mates for a couple of months and before you know it, he’s back home.” I couldn’t help but smile whenever Summer spoke about Evan; she was always so giddy whenever she spoke about him. I had met him only once back in America when Summer went to visit her parents. It was nice to see Summer in her element like this.

“He’s definitely not wrong,” I chimed in, looking toward the stage as the lights dimmed. The first couple of bands were really good. Most assume Korea is just a nation that produces cutesy K-Pop music; I definitely did when I first heard about it. I learned a lot about the music through– through Jamie— and to my surprise I enjoyed a lot of the different genres. Some of the bands were jazz-like and others resembled R&B. Evan’s band was K-Rock, which reminds me a lot of my love for rock music back in high-school.

Watching Summer smitten as Evan played on stage was cute. She would bob her head to the music and jump up and down in place, cheering him on. It was sweet to see how a relationship like this looked like. It makes me think if something like this could’ve ever happened for me. It would’ve been nice to have Willow and my family here, cheering me on show after show.

By the end of the show, Summer had took me backstage with her to meet up with Evan. It was weird to be backstage at a show I personally wasn’t performing in, but it was a nice change to the usual madness I experience in a backstage setting.

“Evan!” Summer said excitedly, running towards Evan as soon as she seems him. His smile immediately covers his entire face as he opens his arms wide. Summer runs in for a hug, softly kissing Evan on the cheek. “You did great, tonight.”

“Thank you, gongjunim,” Evan said, still holding his arm around Summer. It’s cute how he calls her ‘princess’. Evan looks at me and greets me by bowing. I return the gesture out of politeness.

“Hi, Grace,” Evan said. “Thanks for coming out tonight, and I’m sorry for not making it to your show with Summer last month.”

“It’s okay,” I said. “You were legit on a tour, which by the way you killed it out there.” Evan nods and faces Summer. She looks back up at him to look at him too. “I wish I could stay and talk, but the guys and I have a meet and greet with the rest of the artists.”

“It’s cool,” Summer said, now looking at me. “Grace and I can go back to our place and hang out. Is that alright with you?”

“Yeah,” I answered. “We finally have more than just a one day rest day between shows.” Summer smiles, which makes me smile in return.

…

“Would you ever permanently move to Korea?” Summer randomly asked me as she opened a kimbap from the convenience store. “Like if there was work out here for you, would you take it?”

“If I was younger, maybe,” I said, eating a bag of chips. “But I truly think this production is the last big gig I get at my age. I’m not what your typical dancer looks like.”

“That’s very ageist,” Summer said, looking at me. I shrugged, knowing it was the truth.

“Tell that to the industry,” I simply said. Summer rolls her eyes, getting up from her seat. “I also have my daughter back in America; I can’t just leave her there for a job.”

“But you kind of already did that,” Summer pointed out. I looked at Summer, a bit annoyed she would say something so vial and rude.

“With all due respect, Summer, you don’t know my life outside of what I tell you,” I snapped back, readjusting in my seat. “Just because I’m here for work, doesn’t mean I’m making this my lifestyle.”

“I didn’t mean for it to come off like that,” Summer said. “I meant that the hard part is already over. Willow is getting older, and if she’s doing okay with you being across the world, then imagine actually doing it as a job. Isn’t this something you always wanted to do?” Before Summer moved to Korea, we spent a lot of time hanging out at her parent’s place. My mom and her dad are lifelong best friends; family even after my aunt married my uncle. When I moved to New York for college, Summer was the one that would show me around the city on the days I didn’t have classes. Even though she was a couple of years older than me, we got along like friends. She moved way before I graduated though, and she was already in Korea by the time I had Willow. She knew what she knew about my life after college, but sometimes I felt like she still saw me as this young, carefree girl with big dreams of taking on the world.

“It is,” I finally answered back. “But things are different now. I’m different now.” Summer looked at me and shook her head before finally sitting down next to me.

“If I didn’t make the move here from America, I don’t think I’d be the person I am today. Just how if you never moved to New York, you wouldn’t have had the life you have now.” Summer was right; I know my life would’ve been completely different if I stayed in Virginia. I know that I probably would’ve been a lawyer in some small firm in Woodbridge, and my life would’ve consisted of weekends at my dad’s, being around other FBI agents, DAs, and lawyers talking about absolutely nothing. But I made that huge move once already, but to do it in a different country? I don’t think I could do it again. “Grace?”

“Huh?” I said, snapping back to reality.

“You are just as bad as when you were younger,” Summer teased, getting up and walking toward the kitchen.

“What? Did I say something?” I shouted so she could hear me. Shortly after, I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I took it out and to my surprise, it was Sahim.

Sahim: Hey, tiny dancer – how was the show? Thinking about trying a new place in the city and would love to go with my favorite company.

Grace: I’d love to go. See you at 5?

I looked up from my phone as Summer walked back into the room.

“I’m just saying, Grace,” Summer continued to make her point. ” I think you’re selling yourself short and playing it safe. We both know you’re destined to be great.”

“I guess,” I simply said, looking at my phone once it vibrated again.

Sahim: Put something formal on.

I can’t get any more spontaneous than this.

Dinner nights with my family typically mean I’m in the kitchen helping my mom prepare the dishes. I don’t mind though; as I got older, I’ve grown to actually enjoy this time with my mom.

“Jaemin,” my mom comes over and drops the kimchi in front of me. “Cut this up for me.” I listen to my mom and start cutting the kimchi for her.

Moments later, Haram enters the kitchen with two bags before placing them on the table. I turned around and smiled at her.

“I’m so sorry I’m late,” Haram said, immediately throwing on an apron and helping my mom strain the rice in the sink. “I had a faculty meeting after school.”

“Were the kids nice to you today?” I teased, walking by her to kiss her on top of her head.

“A little rowdy, but for the most part they were good.” Haram said, washing the rice.

“Are you still teaching 3rd grade?” My mom asked, chiming in.

“Yes,” Haram happily answered. My mom smiled at Haram; she really liked her. My mom and Haram got along well. My mom was very conservative with the people that we brought home. The moment my mom met Haram, they instantly hit it off. I guess that’s a good sign, right?

“So cute,” my mom simply said. “I remember when Jaemin was that little. He used to have so much hair and these big glasses.”

“Eomma,” I said, trying to stop her before she got too explicit with the information. Haram giggled and gently kissed me on the cheek. It made me smile.

…

“Dinner was lovely,” Haram said to my mom. “The garnishes were so tasty, as usual.”

“Thank you, dear,” my mom said, beginning to take some of the plates off of the table. Haram immediately gets up to help her out. I could tell my mom appreciated all of Haram’s help. I watched both of them in the kitchen, cleaning off plates and putting leftovers in containers together. I couldn’t help but smile; Haram seamlessly fits in this house which is something that hasn’t happened before. I begin to imagine life with Haram: a house with a tiny puppy that she carries around with her everywhere. I imagine Haram spending Chuseok with my family and vice versa. I wonder how life without—

“I have to get going,” Haram comes into the dining area and grabs her purse from the back of her chair.

“Already?” I said, watching her put her things together. I see the containers of food that my mom packed up for Haram.

“I do have to be at work by 7 tomorrow morning,” Haram explained. “Two more days and then I’m off work for the weekend.” My mom finally enters the dining area.

“You and Jaemin should spend the weekend here when Mina and Minji come in a couple of weeks,” my mom suggested. “I think it would be great for the women to spend some time together.” I didn’t like the idea, mainly because my sisters were extremely tough when it comes to the women I date. I know this wouldn’t be the case; maybe that’s why I’m freaking out.

“I would love that,” Haram answered for the both of us. I quickly looked at her, wishing she had let me ease into this discussion.

“It’s settled then,” my mom said, walking over to Haram and I. “I will let Jaemin know when we could all do this.” Aigoo. My mom hugged Haram before I have her a kiss goodbye.

“Let me know why you’ve made it home,” I said, hugging Haram tight.

“Of course,” Haram said before leaving the house. She leaves out of the front door and I immediately know where this conversation is now going.

“When are you and Haram going to get married?” My mom immediately asked.

“Eomma,” I whined, cleaning up the rest of the dining room table.

“You are not getting any younger, Jaemin. I would love to see my only son carrying on the Kim name—“

“Eomma, please,” I said, nearly dropping the dishes to the ground. “Haram and I just started dating a couple of months ago. There’s still so much time left until things get to that pace.”

“She’s traditional,” she continued to say. “She values family and education. She was raised in a good family that values the same.” I looked at my mom as she spoke. My mom was protective of her only son and didn’t speak too highly about the women I dated over the years. Haram was different though, and that is what makes me feel so nervous. “She suits you well. I’m glad you met someone back home like her.” I rolled my eyes as I placed the dishes in the sink, turning the water on to clean them. I knew exactly what she meant; my mom never spoke if it didn’t have motive or intention behind it. I understand that my mom wanted me to be with someone close to home and that knew the culture well enough as herself. She never told me this, but I know she was flipping out when I was in America with an American woman.

“Yeah,” I answered back, wanting to change the subject desperately at this point. My mom smiled, placing clean dishes in the cabinet as I washed and dried them. I want to make my mom proud, and I know she just wants to be the son that she raised. But, sometimes I feel like that side of me can’t come back, no matter hard I try. I still slip in English words every now and then in conversations with other Koreans, especially when I can’t remember how to say certain phrases and words in Korean due to being out of practice for some time. So, if me being with a Haram makes her happy, then it shouldn’t be that hard considering that Haram also makes me happy.

But, what if I’m not the traditional Korean man Haram needs me to be? What if I am now too westernized to ever be traditional? What if I don’t want to be traditional?

I look over my mom as her phone rings on the counter. She picks it up when she sees that Mina is calling her. She takes her phone conversation to the other room, leaving me in the kitchen by myself, lost in my thoughts.

If I was traditional, I wouldn’t be overthinking it and if I wanted to be traditional, I wouldn’t be so caught up in the anxiety behind being so.

“Bam! UNO, baby!” Skylar yells as she threw her last card on top of the deck of cards. Sahim sucked his teeth and tossed his cards on the table. I couldn’t help but laugh at Sahim being so competitive; it was kind of cute in a way.

“How the hell are you so good at UNO?” Sahim asked as he gathered the cards on the table.

“Well without getting too figurative: I’m good at playing games,” Skylar bragged, getting up from the table to grab another game behind her. “Y’all trying to get bankrupted in Monopoly?” Before Sahim answered, his phone buzzed on the table. I couldn’t help but look at the screen, and then at Skylar. Fuck; she totally caught me looking at his screen. Sahim picked up the phone to look at the screen.

“As tempting as that offer sounds, I actually have to get going,” Sahim said before looking at me. “Sonia wants the tech crew to rewire the venue lights in the morning before tomorrow’s show.”

“What time?” I said, hoping it wasn’t too early. I actually wanted to spend some time with Sahim before tomorrow’s second show of the production.

“7,” Sahim answered as he got up to get his things from a chair. Well that idea is out the window… “What time do dancers have to be at rehearsal?” he asked.

“12:30, thank god,” I said, helping Slylar clean up the table. “I could sleep in just a little later than usual,” I teased Sahim. He laughed and smiled big as he did.

“Sleep-in, huh? So you’re not going to be at rehearsal on time?” Sahim sarcastically responded before he laughed. I nudged him on his shoulder.

“Such a comedian,” I deadpanned. Sahim’s smile never left his face. As he put his coat on, he looked over at Skylar who was finishing cleaning the table and putting all the various games away that the AirBnB came with. “Thank you for having us tonight, Skylar. I hope you and Shawn have a safe flight to Seoul.”

“Anytime, but you do know Grace is staying over, right?” Skylar pointed out. I looked over at Skylar, hoping she wasn’t insisting anything with her response. “So, she will be seeing you tomorrow at work.”

“Yes ma’am,” Sahim teased before looking back at me. I smiled at him as he smiled at me. “I’ll see you at rehearsal tomorrow.” Sahim kissed my forehead before saying goodbye to Skylar and leaving the small apartment. I knew that Skylar was going to say something as soon as Sahim left. Newsflash: she did.

“I had to let him know that you won’t be joining him in bed tonight,” Skylar finally said as she continued to clean. I rolled my eyes before sitting on the sofa in front of us.

“He knew I was staying here for the night,” I said as I looked through my phone.

“Mhm,” Skylar simply said as she walked past me. “Did he also know that Jamie is your ex-boyfriend?” I looked over at Skylar as she looked at me. “He was really cozy with Jamie when Shawn, you, and I were in the kitchen.”

“No, Sahim doesn’t know Jamie is my ex,” I admitted. “And I rather him not know, ever.”

“So you think he’s not going to ask you why Shawn and his friend didn’t stay to play games?” Skylar asked. “Sounds like you’re the one playing games.”

“The past is in the past, so why bring it up?” I defended my reasoning for not telling Sahim. What good did it do to tell Sahim? It wasn’t like Jamie was going to be around in the same places as Sahim anyway… although they have been in the same place twice now.

“I don’t know, maybe because something like tonight could play out again and he deserves to know,” Skylar crossed her arms, annoyed at me.

“Oh, like how Jamie mysteriously showed up at the opening night of my show?” I spat back, finally confessing what I saw that night.

“Why would Jamie be at the show? How would he even know about it?” Skylar questioned.

“I don’t know, maybe because our boyfriend is best friends with him,” I crossed my arms, mocking Skylar’s gestures. “Ask Shawn how Jamie got there. If I wasn’t s focused on the show, it could’ve ruined the entire number seeing him in the audience that night.”

“But you said it yourself, why does it matter what or where Jamie is? Aren’t you happy being with Sahim?” Skylar pointed out.

“I’m not with Sahim,” I quickly corrected. “We’re just going with the flow-“

“Grace,” Skylar interrupted me. “Are you still caught up in your feelings with Jamie? Is that why you don’t want to make things official with Sahim?” I was now angry at Skylar. Even after knowing everything I went through with that man, she insisted that I would let him get the best of my emotions. It made me think she thought was a weak-minded person. She doesn’t know the complete story; she only knows whatever I told her.

“No,” I began to say. “I don’t want to make things official with Sahim knowing that when this production ends, he goes back to where he lives and I’ll be going back to New York. I learned the first time to not date a man that you know won’t come back to you.” Skylar didn’t say anything; I assumed she felt shitty for what she said. I hate fighting with the people that I cared about the most; I feel like that’s all I knew to do with them. As I got older, I started to realize that I only had such a small handful of people that I actually cared about, and I was tired of fighting with them. As I get older, I’m healing from the wounds my younger self endured, but the scars are still visible on my body. “Sky, I know you mean well, but the way I do things now is not how I did them when was younger, or even when I was in California.”

“I’m sorry,” Skylar responded back, finally sitting next to me on the couch. “I just want you to be happy, and Sahim seems like he’s helped you be happier these days. Sure, you’re doing what you love to do, but I can see just how much he cares about you. I can see how much he already loves you as a person just by the way he looks at you. It’s how I knew Shawn loved me, way before he left California last summer.”

I couldn’t imagine Sahim already being in love with me, and if he was, it made me feel horrible. Another man to let down in the long run. There was no doubt that I really liked Sahim, but to love another man was something I didn’t think I would ever want to experience again. I want to love myself for once in my life.

“The difference is that Shawn made an effort to make things right,” I said more out loud than to Skylar. “He left, and came back. I don’t trust anyone to do the same for me.”

“Jamie did,” Sylar spat out. “Shit just happened, but he did come back because he loved you. Sahim would do the same; because people are capable of loving you.” I sighed, leaning back on the couch. I was done having this serious conversation; I just wanted to spend my last night with Skylar before she leaves.

“So, what is the story I’m going to tell about you and Shawn at your wedding during the reception?” I teased, looking over at Skylar. I laughed as she rolled her eyes, but at least she was smiling. She loved that man and even though she never mentioned marriage, she will say yes in a heartbeat. “Am I going to tell the one where you ditched me with my ex to go hook up with his friend after the night at The Voyage?”

“We didn’t hook up that night, smartass,” Skylar corrected before she started to laugh. “Remember when you came back to the condo and Shawn came running down the stairs in one of my robes?”

“Sky, he was terrified! The way I entered the condo; he probably thought he just was with someone else’s girl or some shit,” I laughed, recalling the memories with Skylar.

“I remember you had to pick that janky lock just to get in the damn place! Like girl, I did not hear you knock on that door, no matter how loud it was-” Before Skylar was able to finish her sentence, the front door of the apartment was being knocked on. The knocks were loud and frantic, which made both of us jump in place. Skylar got up from the couch to see who it was.

“Sky!” I whispered, calling out for her. “The fuck are you doing? We’re in a foreign country and you’re about to answer a banging door?!”

“Girl, it’s probably Shawn; he forgot to take the key when he left,” Skylar said as she proceeded to unlock the front door to open it. When she did, I didn’t expect to see what I saw on the other side of the door.

“Jamie?” Skylar said, clearly confused. She looked at Shawn in Jamie’s arms, clearly passed out. “Shawn?!”

It’s always something with you, I thought.