Month: May 2019

Monthly Favorites

May 2019 Favorites & Highlights!

liz

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Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

First and foremost, I wanted to wish my partner an amazing birthday; we met when he was 17 and to think he’s now 27 seriously baffles me. I’m forever grateful that despite everything that we go through, he’s been by my side & again, to think I’ve known him for a decade baffles me, but I’m glad I have because he’s amazing and the person he’s grown/growing into is a beautiful one.

I also wanted to congratulate my co-writer for our ongoing project, Rosanne, for getting married this past weekend! I hope she enjoys her time in Japan for her honeymoon! Totes jealous, but I can’t wait to hear about the beautiful sights she got to see on her trip!

Lastly, I wanted to congratulate the Class of 2019; specifically, the English MA students who I got the pleasure of working with and studying with during my time as a grad student. I know how surreal it feels to be finally done with your graduate studies, and I couldn’t be more proud of you guys!

Needless to say, May is a very exciting month. Yes, even last year was just as eventful!

So, without further ado, let’s dive into some of the highlights of the month and some things I’ve been obsessed with!

Highlights:

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Earlier this month was the 2nd Annual BCS Showcase and the second year that The Eliminators Dance Crew performed. This group, coached by my partner, honestly gets better as the years go. The steps get more tedious, the music mix they dance to gets more articulate, and the experience just gets better. I know how hard he works to get these girls together and dance, and the work definitely shows at every performance. As for the other performers, I give them extreme props for getting up on stage to perform their talent, whether that was dancing, singing, and even rapping! The arts are needed in these public schools, and these shows are one way to keep it alive. That’s the mission.

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I’m learning Korean! For the longest time, I wanted to learn a new language. For a while, I was learning Italian when I was an undergrad in college. Once it got too hard, I sort of stopped, and it’s been a while since I studied another language. Because of my genuine interest in Kpop and the shows that surround it (which is mentioned later in this list), I wanted to at least learn how to read and write in Korean. As of now, I’m a serious beginner; I am currently learning the 18 consonants and 21 vowels (yeah, you heard right) in the Korean Alphabet. But, thanks to watching Korean variety shows and Kpop interviews, I know how to say “hi” in Korean! 안녕하십니까!

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I’m working on my next big project, which is publishing my Master’s Thesis in an academic journal! Back in December of last year, I brought up the possibility of co-writing a journal article with my former thesis advisor. She was interested in working with me on this new project, and here we are, putting that into action! Currently, we are both doing some heavy research and readings on some scholars to potentially use to revamp it and update the content, and is it weird to say that I’m actually excited to do so again?! May 2018 Liz would slap me, seriously. But, this is honestly the type of work I’m truly so excited to read and work on the content that I fell in love with in the first place.

Favorites:

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Dress Liz is in full effect. In NYC, we had a couple of warm, summer-like days and it gave me the opportunity to try out these dresses I bought for the warmer weather. I feel really pretty in them, and I’m honestly kicking myself asking why I didn’t do this sooner? I think I just stopped caring what other people may say about my image, so here I am, rocking a pixie cut and wearing a nice, summery dress!

Alright, here comes the Kpop stuff:

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프로듀스 X 101! So, Produce 48 was the third season of the “Produce” franchise, and it’s the program that put together girl group, IZ*ONE. I was so hooked on that season, that I gave this new season, which is now looking for the next boy group, a try. Two episodes in and I’m already hooked. There are so many more elements that contribute to this season to spice up the show a bit, and I genuinely like the boys enough to actually stan the winners when they doubt later this year. So, as they say together:

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Onto some Kpop music obviously…

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TWICE’s 7th Mini Album, FANCY YOU, was *e v e r y t h i n g.* April left us Kpop fans which a lot of music to enjoy this month. Pretty much all my favorite girl groups made a comeback, and yes, one of them happened to be TWICE. Music wise, I think this album is the best out of all of their discography because each song is an honest hit. Any of the songs could’ve been their title track. Although “FANCY” is a great title track to show off their more mature side, my favorite track is “HOT“, which was completely written by Twice’s own Momo! 모모 화이팅! The album regarding its physical copies, I think it could’ve been a lot better. I just feel like it wasn’t that thought out and put together very last minute, which is a shame because I would honestly love to buy this album because the entire album has amazing songs, so it does leave me conflicted! Needless to say, I suggest everyone stream this album because it’s just so good!

 

And that’s that! What were some of your personal favs this May?

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Self-Appreciation Saturdays

SAS: Importance of Mental Health Check-Ins. (5/25/19)

liz

self-appreciation saturday

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

Being the last Saturday of May, I wanted to use this time to speak about the importance of this particular subject; it being because May is Mental Health Awareness Month.

Let’s ask this simple question: have you done a mental health check-in this month?

I ask because it’s something that I believe a lot of us glance over, and we seem to only “check-in” when things are already bad. I know in the past, I didn’t check in until things got really bad, and I honestly believe that a lot of my “dark places” could’ve been avoided if I checked in with myself a lot more frequently.

Mental health check-ins are important because they make you more self-aware of the behaviors you’re distributing and how you are handling the situations currently going on in your life. To even take a couple of minutes out of your day to reflect on the things that you felt or went through that particular day can be so helpful to keep yourself balanced and keep your mental health in a healthier place.

Some of the things we should ask ourselves when we do some mental health check-ins could be:

  • Did I do anything to relax my mind today? I know for those who are in school and those who work full-time jobs, it’s very easy to not give your mind a break, and in more serious cases, many of us could become burnt out, which could cause your mental health to become worse. During my grad school days, my mental health quickly worsened because I was allowing myself not to have those breaks in between assignments and final papers. Moving forward in life, whether that be doing job hunting our research for my next project, I am more aware of the signs that my mind and body are telling me that I need a break from what I’m working on. Also, I now know that it’s okay to take those breaks: work smarter, not harder. 
  • Why did that one thing ruin my day? Sometimes, I allow bad moments to ruin my day, and I’ve realized I never asked myself why did that one thing ruin my day? Was it a mood-related thing? Was it something that I let get to me? Was it something I could’ve handled when it happened? Reflecting back on the event that could’ve turned my day sour allows you to become more aware of your behaviors and reactions to that specific event. For example: A couple of weeks ago, I started one of my days on a good note, but as soon as I went to my therapy session and something that was discussed made me feel judged, I’ve allowed it to ruin my entire day. Coming out of that funk took longer than I would’ve liked, but I know that in the long run, I know to not allow my anxieties about people judging me to ruin my day. Of course, there are going to be other times where I may feel that way and tense up because of it, but I know to check-in and tell myself that it’s not to be taken personally and that I shouldn’t allow it to ruin my day.
  • How am I *really* feeling in this exact moment? Again, it’s so easy to allow the days just take you without being honest with yourself about how you may really be feeling. It’s easy to say “I’m fine, tomorrow’s another day” or “It’s just a bad day, tomorrow’s another day”. From experience, minimizing your feelings is never a good thing, and in some cases, you’ll minimize your feelings to point where the clear signs your mind and body are giving you to take care of yourself are going unnoticed. Sometimes, you have to be your own “is everything okay?”. Check-in and be honest with yourself; if you felt sadder than usual, take note of that. Say out loud that you aren’t okay because the more you speak these feelings out into the world (even if you are by yourself), the easier it gets to ask for help and admit that you aren’t doing okay.

Of course, there are so many other questions that you should be asking yourself, and they come from your own experiences and ways you are able to care for yourself. Maybe asking yourself if you read a chapter of your book (for fun) as your “self-care time”, or if you did something that was on your list of things you wanted to do in the last week or so. Still, it’s important that every once in a while you give yourself a mental health check-in, and yes, even do them on your friends and family!

Make sure to check in every once in a while!

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Topic Tuesdays: Random

Things I Wish I Knew Before Graduating College & Grad School.

liz

Dear guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

Where did this month go? It feels like I was just singing “It’s gonna be May!” and now we are 10 days away from June! With that being said, I know many of you college seniors and grad-school seniors are happy for your day of graduation to finally arrive! Personally, I know my old classmates from my own grad school years are finally ready to get the hell out of school and not have to read another book or write another paper for the rest of their life! (Of course, if you’re not going into academics…)

It’s still surreal that it has almost been a year since I graduated with my Master’s degree and THREE (yes, you saw that right) years since I graduated college with my bachelor’s degree. Little ole me did not know that before 2020, I’d be a woman with two degrees. Maybe in the distant future, I’ll go for my Ph.D., but as of right now I’m just trying to discover what it means to be “Liz: the human being” versus “Liz: the student writer”.

Being the first in my immediate family to graduate both college and grad school, I didn’t really have the guidance through my studies, and a lot of the times I was forced to learn things on my own. Some of those times, I’d be a little too late, but coming out of it now, I wouldn’t change my experience for the world…

Except for a couple of things…

For example:

  1. I wish I had some guidance when it came to my grad-school application progress. Back in high-school, we had a great guidance counselor that guided us through the process of applying to colleges, even to the point where he would sit with us on his office computer applying to colleges with us. It was definitely a lot smoother to transition to college than it was for grad-school, and I hope that more CUNY schools start helping out those who wish to seek higher education. Because of the lack of guidance, I didn’t have much time, nor options, when it came to grad school.
  2. I wish that there was a class (especially within my college) that focused in on resume building and writing. I know that my former thesis advisor (who came to the college when I was in my junior/senior year of college) started to teach a class dedicated to business writing for undergrads, but I just wish that there was a way where soon-to-be college grads were able to feel more secure with their futures. Maybe, just maybe, then a lot of people who weren’t ready for grad school would’ve waited to get their Master’s instead of forcing to get one just so that they had more time to think what they wanted to do with their lives.
  3. Particularly in grad school, I wish I knew that it was okay to take a break when you started to feel burned out. Every semester for two years, I wrote 25-40 pages of papers as my two finals for the two classes I would take, and I thought that I absolutely had to write and write and write until I had my desired amount of pages done. I wish I knew that whatever amount of work I put in that day was enough and that I was able to pick up again the next day, because – let’s be honest here – working on a final paper for 12 hours straight is exhausting, and very unhealthy.
  4. I wish I knew what I was getting myself into when it came to grad school. Again, I felt like I wasn’t mentally prepared for the amount of work that grad school provided (I mean, I had a group presentation assigned to me the first day of grad school and it had to be done by the following class). Because I felt like I was just thrown into the chaos that was grad school, my mental health was definitely affected by it, and a lot of my anxiety developed throughout the two years in grad school. Maybe this was just a “me” thing, but when talking to my fellow students when I was one and then the students as a TA, many of them expressed the same transition from college to grad school being rushed and feeling unprepared.
  5. Lastly, I wish that I knew that grad school, or any type of degree honestly, doesn’t guarantee you a career, nor a job. Being a slightly above average student in both college and grad school, I focused on my studies rather than getting a part-time job and juggle school at the same time. Did it affect the way employers now see me and my resume? Possibly, but I always had this thought that a Master’s degree was going to secure me a position that I was working towards, yet here we are – a year into the whole job hunting process. 

At the end of the day, I am still very grateful for the time I spent in college and grad school and to have met the people who I consider my friends/professional friends now! My experience is unique to me, and I’ll always be proud of the hard work and dedication I put in for 6 straight years without a break.

So, to the Class of 2019, both college and grad-school grads – I applaud you for making it this far. Celebrate your victory, celebrate your future, and celebrate you. I wish I did when I was in your shoes. 

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Self-Appreciation Saturdays

SAS: A Letter to My “Summer Body”. (5/18/19)

liz

self-appreciation saturday

To My Summer Body,

It’s that time of year to sweat, girl. It’s that time of year where your legs chafe and your shorts raise up, it’s that time of year where you limit yourself to a t-shirt, a pair of shorts, and converse for three months of the year. It’s also that time of year you hide from the world, really – swimsuits make you insecure, you don’t feel pretty without your layers of clothing, and you wish all summer that maybe, just maybe, you went on that diet during the wintertime.

Maybe then you’d feel pretty enough to walk through a sunny day.

See, you dread the summer. You hate to have sweat kept up under every roll on your body. You hate sweating out your hair. You hate looking like the fat blob sweaty mess walking down the street. You’re convinced that summer was not made for fat people like you. I mean, who wants to jiggle in all the wrong places and show off your fat arms? Every summer, it seems as if I get depressed because of you, and it sucks to feel that way.

As Bianca Del Rio said on that one season of RuPaul’s Drag Race:

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Continue reading “SAS: A Letter to My “Summer Body”. (5/18/19)” →

Voiceless Rant: The Series

A Voiceless Rant: May 2019 Edition.

liz

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

We are unofficially halfway through the month; is everyone having a good May so far? Personally, I always liked May as a month; it wasn’t too hot, too cold, and most of the trees have their green leaves on and days just feel so much nicer in May. It’s the lead up to Summer June, and who doesn’t like a little warm weather after a long, cold Winter?

Anyway, a new month means a new installment of:

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I’ve had a couple of rough patches since the month started, to be quite honest. Resuming my therapy sessions after a little break in April and juggling my personal life and all of that has had me feeling a little bit more on the anxious side lately. As hard as I’m going keeping up the schedule for this blog, prepping for my journal publication, all while being present in all of my relationships in life is getting a bit difficult, and at times I’ve found myself in a daze, not paying attention to anything or anyone around me, which isn’t a great feeling, since that’s what happened when I began to feel disconnected from the world last year. 

Although I’m mentally in a better place, this time around, it doesn’t mean I don’t have work to do. And this is what May’s Voiceless Rant is going to be about.

The process of self-discovery and being the best versions of ourselves simply doesn’t end after you have a good head on your shoulders, for the most part. We are always going to be working on ourselves simply due to the fact that we mature, grow up, and experience issues and obstacles that we are going to come face-to-face with. I may be generally okay with things at the moment, it doesn’t mean I’m proficient with handling the weaker parts of my being. I still cry when I’m overwhelmed, I still take things personally from time-to-time, I still don’t have a strong foundation of confidence with my abilities, and my anxiety tends to make issues about me still – and on top that, practicing assertiveness. There are so many areas in my life that I have plenty of work to do, and I’m okay knowing that someday, I will have all of that figured out.

As long as I’m keeping a positive outlook on the present, the future, and even about the past!

I’m learning that no matter what is happening in life currently, I still am able to keep a pretty positive outlook about myself, and on life. I’m nowhere where I wanted to be, but it doesn’t stop my process of eventually getting there. Obstacles and “bumps on the road” are going to occur whether you are ready for them as not, but the strongest and most courageous thing to do is to always remain positive about things, even through the tough times. 

Through the people around me and my own journey through healing, I am learning that progress starts with a positive mind; if you’re willing to still see some beauty in the things that may drag you or put you down, the negative energy behind those things won’t affect you as much as if you dwelled and stored up that energy in you.

So, whatever hardships you are going through in life, know that there’s always light at the end of each tunnel. Know that what you are going through and the way it’s affecting you is making you stronger, wiser, and braver. It’s also teaching you life lessons that just naturally occur in life.

We all grow up, we all experience the ups and downs life throws at us – and in all honesty, having that positive outlook is what’s gonna get you through them.

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Self-Appreciation Saturdays

SAS: The Truth About Mental Health Dependency. (5/11/19)

liz

self-appreciation saturday

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

First and foremost, Happy May, Happy Taurus Season, Happy Almost-Gemini-Season, and Happy Almost-Unofficial-Start-Of-Summer Memorial Day! Also, Happy Birthday to all the May babies out in the world. 

A little life update on me: I’ve been in a place that I’m very proud to be in. I’ve been feeling a lot more happy, active, present, and my anxiety hasn’t been flaring up as much as it had in the past. To be quite honest, it’s been a couple of months since I had a bad anxiety attack. I’m very happy to see myself in the place I’m in right now because compared to this time last year, I was a complete and utter mess (and that’s not an exaggeration).

So, although I’ve been doing good and I’ve been feeling a lot more stable and happier, I’ve been aware of this “stage” in the process where you feel like you’re doing better than ever and that your mental health isn’t affecting you the way it usually does; I guess you call it the “loving” process of life. A fellow writer of mine shared this image on their Facebook account and thus the inspiration for this week’s SAS letter.

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Continue reading “SAS: The Truth About Mental Health Dependency. (5/11/19)” →

Creative Pieces

The Reunion: A Dialogue.

liz

Waiters are walking by with platters across the restaurant, and the sound of forks and knives hitting plates surround the area. A soft piano is played in the background; this is one of those fancy places that husbands spend a day’s pay to take their wives to on Valentine’s Day.

In the middle of the restaurant, there is a man and a woman in their early 40’s waiting for their plates to arrive. The man is wearing a casual, yet sophisticated navy suit, while the woman is wearing an olive green dress with her red hair down, naturally curly. They’ve known each other since they were teenagers, yet are awkwardly acting like they are strangers. One of them has to speak, and for the man, he’d try to break the ice. 

Weston: You look, uh, nice tonight.

Mollie: Thank you. You look nice as well.

Weston sips some water to hide his awkwardness, Mollie immediately takes a sip of her white wine instead. She decides to discuss the only thing they have in common nowadays.

Mollie: Grace is really adjusting to New York City quite well. She definitely picked it up faster than I did at her age and I was born and raised here.

Weston: *smiles* She was meant to be in the city. She always seemed different than the girls back in Virginia, y’know? She was going to end up here some way or another.

Mollie: I found her eating Butter Pecan ice cream in bed the other night.

Weston: Like mother, like daughter.

The conversation quiets for a bit, both are gathering their thoughts, which are everywhere at this point. Weston takes a deep breath.

Weston: Thank you for letting Grace stay with you while she’s in college, Mol.

Mollie: Of course, I mean I have eighteen years to make up with her, so I’m glad to have any time spent with her.

Mollie looks down at her glass, avoiding eye contact with Weston. 

Weston: As long as you’re here now, that’s all that matters.

Mollie: No, it doesn’t, Weston. It sucks having to get to know my own daughter eighteen years in because I chose to be selfish and dumb and leave out on her.

Weston: Mollie, we were young–

Mollie: So what?!

Weston looks around the restaurant, hoping that their conversation is not audible to anyone else dining in. 

Weston: Mollie–

Mollie: You were young too, Wes. You were friggin’ training to be in the FBI for God’s sake. You still were able to raise her and take care of her and all of that.

Weston: Mollie, at that moment, having a kid wasn’t in your plan.

Mollie: It wasn’t in yours either.

Weston: We’re two different people, Mollie.

Mollie: I just regret not being there, okay?

Mollie takes a huge sip of her white wine, looking more somber in thought. 

Mollie: I love Grace living with me, but it doesn’t make it easier for me.

Weston: Mollie–

Mollie: It doesn’t help the thoughts I have before bed about my life. Every night, I kick myself for not being there for her when she needed me the most because she’s such an awesome kid now, Wes. I mean, Grace has so much of your qualities but when I see Grace and talk to her and get to know her better, it’s like I’m staring back at myself. And what type of example am I setting up for her? “Oh, in order to make your dreams come true you have to ditch your family and be an absent mother!” 

Weston takes in a deep sigh and holds his eyes with his hands. He looks back up at Mollie, and in his mind, she’s eighteen again: big, curly hair, a little acne here and there, 15 bracelets around her wrist, and busted up jeans and Converse: the girl he fell in love with 25 years ago. He’s brought back to the present when Mollie continues to talk.

Mollie: I just wish I was able to see how she became the girl she is now. I wish I was there to see her grow into a toddler, see her first dance recital, her first day of school, first competition, best friend, heartbreak, zit for crying out loud. I just wish I could go back and tell my 24-year-old self that Grace was the only thing that mattered in this world. My career shouldn’t have ever come in the way.

In a split moment, Weston remembers that last night he saw Mollie 18 years ago:

Him: “Mollie, I’ve had enough of this! Do you even realize you’re neglecting your own child for some dance career?! We all have our own dreams, but family always come first, Mol!”

Her: “You don’t understand! I feel trapped! I feel like I’m in something I didn’t sign up for! I love Grace, and you know that, but–“

Him: “You love your career more than her?”

Her: “I didn’t say that; how dare you!”

Him: “Listen, Mol. I’m tired of this marriage being one-sided and having to take care of Grace all the time because you’re too busy living your dream without a care in the world. You have responsibilities now, Mollie! Grace needs her mother!

Her: “And I’m trying my best to be one!”

Him: “Look. I’ve made sacrifices with my own career to be the father that Grace needs. It’s not fair that only one of us is doing so. You gotta make a choice, Mollie. It’s her, or your career.”

Her: “You can’t do–“

Him: “It’s HER, or your career. Pick one.”

Weston snaps back to reality and sees present-day Mollie: a mature, wise, still spunky and stubborn, but more reasonable than before. He could see the absolute regret she carries on her shoulders every day. He knows Mollie always loved Grace. He always loved her. Despite what happened in the past, it’s in the past, and he knew she deserved to move forward.

Weston: Mol, Grace forgave you.

Mollie: *dumbfounded* What?

Weston: She forgave you all those months ago, Mollie. She forgave you when you gave a damn about her dream to go to Julliard under a scholarship. She forgave you when you saw her for her instead of the things you want her to be. Mol, when we first in New York she couldn’t stop talking about you and how excited she was about dancing. If there was any other damn person on this universe who saw dance with such importance as she does, it would be you.

Mollie looks at Weston and sees an eighteen-year-old Weston: curly dirty blonde hair, aqua blue eyes, turtle neck zip up sweater, the boy who saved her from a bunch of guys in his neighborhood all those years ago. The boy who made her feel like her demons weren’t anything he couldn’t handle. The boy she fell in love with 25 years ago.

Weston: You have so much to look forward to with Grace. You’re here for your first year of college, you’ll be there for her first career job, her graduation, wedding, *worried* her having children and all of that. She is only 18, Mollie; she has her whole life ahead of her.

Mollie smiles at Weston for reassurance, and he smiles back. He looks at her hands, figetting on the napkin at the table. She’s still has something on her mind. So, he says it.

Weston: I forgave you the moment you started to make Grace happy, Mol.

Mollie looks up at Weston, shocked. How could he forgive her so quickly? Eighteen years away from him and their daughter; who in their right mind would forgive someone for that? Surely, she still can’t fully forgive herself. 

Mollie: Grace gets it from you; her willingness to forgive people.

Weston: Eh, she gets everything else from you, so I’m glad she has at least one decent quality of mine. *laughs*

They smile and look at each other, taking sips from their drinks. Their food finally arrives, and they thank the waiter for their dinner.

–End–

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Self-Appreciation Saturdays

SAS: An Open Letter to Those Who Say, “Grow Out Your Hair”. (5/4/19)

liz

To whom it may concern,

Hi! Welcome to Letters From Liz! Of course, if you’re new – my name is Liz and I run this blog. We talk about tons of things, such as mental health, self-appreciation, priorities, music; pretty much anything, really. I also frequently write about my own experiences of life and try to help out others who may feel lost, discouraged, or sad – aka a type of person I’m very familiar with.

If you’re not new, then you know all of this, and if you’ve seen pictures of me or know me in person, you also know that I have a pixie haircut that I debuted back in December. Of course, it turned heads for the first month or so, but 5 months later, I have people in my life telling me that it’s time to grow out my hair.

Let’s rewind it back, shall we?

Hair, to me, is an important staple of my identity. My hair, whatever color it was or what style it was in, became an identity of mine at that moment in time. Do I take hair too seriously? Yeah. Am I obsessed with hair? I’d like to believe that I was reincarnated from a guy who was a sick hairdresser back in the days because my love for hair doesn’t even make sense. 

My hair, although made me feel like myself, hid a lot of my insecurities. It hid my double chin, it hid the back of my neck, it makes me look thinner, girlier, more acceptable in traditional beauty standards, and I even wore it in the same damn hairstyle for three years straight after leaving it down for the first 21 years of my life.

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With long hair, I wanted short hair; with short hair, I wanted long hair, but I never took it to the point where my hair couldn’t hide my insecurities or my troubled beliefs on beauty, and sometimes I really have to ask myself, what took me this long to do it?

You see, my pixie cut to you may be boyish. Mannish. Ugly. Too short. Not suitable for a fat girl such as me. You may misgender me even, think I’m a fat man with man boobs or something. You may even think I’m a lesbian or call my haircut “the lesbian cut”. You may think all of these things, and although you won’t admit them to my face, I know that society will always judge you before they compliment you. They will always think “pretty or ugly” before they say anything about your personality or your kindness. Hell, I know I could be judgmental and think societal bullshit towards someone I don’t know. My point being is that our opinions about other people don’t really matter.

Because as long as it makes them happy, they could care less about what you have to say about them.

Back to my haircut: If you were to ask me at least why I decided to cut it this short, then you may know that this haircut came after one of the worst depressive episodes I had in my life. Yeah, worse than the one in 2012. You will know that once I let go of this perfect image of myself, I was allowed to do anything with my body, whether that is getting another tattoo, piercing, or simply cut my hair short as hell. You will know once I got this haircut, something just clicked in me.

Maybe ponytail Liz had to go in order for the pixie cut Liz to finally shine and take in what life had to offer her. 

By saying to grow my hair back, you are telling me that the person who I’ve become in these last 5 months is just a phase in my life and that my only beauty was behind my hair. You are telling me my happiness, my sense of identity in this exact place don’t matter because “you’re a girl, you should have long hair.”

By saying to grow my hair back, you are telling me the progress I made isn’t as worthy as looking “feminine” and “pretty” in society.

Am I taking it too far? Hell yeah, I am. Please, just tell me that it’s just hair.

But to me, it’s more than just that. It was a promise to myself that I wouldn’t let my anxiety dictate my body nor will I allow it to indulge in self-loathe whenever I wasn’t the person my perfectionist side wanted me to be. It was the beginning of just trying new things, whether that be ways I communicate myself to others, the clothes I chose to try on, and have some sort of free trial on how developing self-confidence looked like.

My pixie cut was just the tip of the iceberg, folks. This wasn’t a “Britney Spears 2007 meltdown”. This wasn’t a cry for attention. This was because I told myself enough was enough. What was there to be afraid of?

Although my grandfather never saw me with my hair this short, I know he would enjoy the new look on me. I know that his mantra, in the simplest way possible, was to never fear anything in life. I think his strength, his courage, and his belief on tough-skin, is what keeps me going in my own journey of self-love and appreciation.

So, to the people in my life that look at me and want their Liz with long hair back: there’s hope, she’ll be back. 

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Just not for a very long time. 

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