LFL's Anniversary Blogging Celebration!, Topic Tuesdays: Love/Relationships

“Hi, I’m Liz!” : Dating with Social Anxiety.

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

So with 2020 finally out of the way and with 2021 here to give us more opportunities to better ourselves, I realize that in leaving 2020, I wanted to keep something up that I actually started last year!

… I started dating!

Late last year, I started to feel like I wanted to meet new people and challenge the fear I had about potentially getting into territory that requires… liking people in a romantic matter. Nevertheless, I felt like I needed to make that leap of faith and just downloaded an online dating app. And the rest is history.

I won’t lie; actually sitting down to create the online dating profile in the first place was the most anxiety-producing thing. I just felt like I wasn’t going to have people interested in me and that I was just going to be sitting on the app with no success. My best friend gave me the courage to just face that fear and go for it, because honestly what could I possibly lose? So one day on my way home from work, I sat on the bus, downloaded the app, and made the profile.

I got some matches here and there and spoke to a couple of people, but nothing really came of it. There was this one guy I matched with that actually wanted to meet and hang out, and while I was excited and nervous to have my first official date as a single person, at the end of the night it wasn’t a match and we went our separate ways. Since then, it’s been more of a miss than a hit, but I’m not stressed out about it.

The more I got around to the app and starting to experiment around it, I got less anxious and nervous engaging in conversations with people that I matched with. Sure, you don’t know these people, but the sole purpose of being on this app is to meet people!

I’m specifically on an app but allows me to write whoever I matched first, which in all reality has been helping me get over my fear of speaking to new people.

But, I can’t say dating has been the cure to my social anxiety; as a matter of fact, dating has been challenging my anxiety in ways that I haven’t seen in a really long time.

For starters, having those social cues that I haven’t been able to have in public due t the pandemic was interesting. My first date was awkward at first just because I didn’t pick up on the social cues in the beginning; i would stop talking randomly or just seem very tense and distracted and just in my head for the entire date. The same thing with writing the messages first: it causes me so much anxiety to think of something to say to these matches and to be able to keep up with them is just one of the hardest things to do, especially if they just aren’t willing to keep up the conversation with you in the first place.

Nevertheless, I am learning that this dating scene doesn’t measure my level of attractiveness and my ability to be liked on these apps. It doesn’t measure if I’m a good catch or not, it doesn’t determine whether or not something is wrong with me if no one is swiping with me; it literally means nothing at all but the fact that someone saw your profile and decided to either swipe left or right on you; nothing else.

Sometimes, I have to tell myself that.

As we speak, I have been somewhat taking a break from swiping and actively being on the app just because my mental health hasn’t been the greatest lately and before I can take care of someone else, I have to take care of myself. Although sometimes I allow my anxiety to believe these stereotypical things like “guys aren’t swiping on you because you’re a fat girl” or “you’re too boring and old, no one wants you”, I try my best to remember that I don’t have to take this seriously, and whatever comes from it, comes from it.

Personally, dating for me has helped me improved some areas of my social anxiety, but it also enhances some areas of it as well; that’s just what comes with the whole anxiety thing. Again, it’s about not allowing it to stick with you and make you believe that you are incapable of trying new things, finding and experiencing love, and just being a damn woman in her mid-20’s.

My anxiety can tell me whatever it wants about dating and the new people that come in my life… either way, I’m allowing these experiences to teach me instead of holding me back.

Topic Tuesdays: Love/Relationships

26-Year-Old Liz Reacts to her Favorite Poem She Wrote to Date.

Our Life Through a Kaleidoscope

I’m in love with the way you look next to me.
You always grab a hold of my hand and kiss the palm of it like a
promise telling me I’ll always have you in the reach of a fingertip.
I’m in love with the long walks we take through Fort Greene Park as you
hug me from behind and continue to walk down the bumpy path while we
take breaks to sit on fallen tree trunks and talk;

I love that we talk.
And talk.
And talk.

I love how we can talk for hours:
on the phone whenever I ask you to come over because I’m terribly upset,
The midnight conversations on video chat until the sun comes up to tell us to finally get some rest,
and even the slightest moment before we make love to each other;
We are always talking to each other.

I love that you are the epitome of sex appeal.
I love staring at your heart-shaped lips whenever you bite them with your teeth,
I love how you say my name in your sexiest voice, even if you don’t have to do much to make it sexy,
I love the way you smell like Vanilla even if your skin is the perfect chocolate tone,
you make my teeth hurt just by walking my way,
my goodness, you make yourself edible.
I love how you taste when we kiss;

I love the way you passionately kiss me.

I love how your kisses always feel like fireworks over the beach in Coney Island,
how they leave me dizzy like a Cyclone but somehow I never get sick of them.
I love the slight moment after we kiss where we are against each other’s noses just looking into each other’s eyes,
I love the way your eyes look at me, even when you do something completely stupid,
I love that we can fight
and fight
and fight
and be mad at each other for a while and come back like nothing ever happened,

I love how forgiving your heart is.

I’m in love with your forgiveness after the many “I’m sorry” sentences that came out of me like a broken record,
And for the record, I love how you have been the only person who truly understands my mind,
especially during the times late at night, I’m hysterically crying because I’m just lonely,
when everyone else thinks I’ve gone crazy.

I love that you are crazy with me.

I love how much we have in common,
You’re like the family that never understood me,
the bedroom that I never had to run away to whenever I needed some privacy,
I love that you were my place to run to;

I love how you feel like home.

The hugs that would caress my body and shelter me better than any house I ever lived in,
The laugh that should’ve won a Grammy because it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard,
The way you protect me from the robbers trying to steal my heart away from you,
I still love
the sacrifice you made to even be here so that I knew what it felt like to finally be home instead
of wrecking everyone else’s.

I’m in love with your words.
I’m in love with the feel of your existence,

But I am not in love with you.

This was the last poem I ever posted on Facebook, and it was the last poem that I wrote in a long while for personal reasons.

This poem, in particular, is one of my favorites because it perfectly described a moment in my life where I was in love with the gestures of lovers but really had to question if I was in love with them. This was written during a weird time in my life, in the midst of everything happened in my life, all in everything with emotion and feelings. 

After 7 years, this poem truly still relates to me in the present day.

I’m still trying to learn the difference between loving someone versus being in love with someone and which one truly coincides with romance. Did I just love these people because they were unique, interesting, different? Did I just love the aura of romance I had with these people? Despite everything, was I in love with them? Yeah, I was. 

This poem was about a love I had that I was trying to let go because it was hurting me more than it felt good. I’m a hopeless romantic, and the gestures of love are one of my many weaknesses, even if there were times I was heartbroken and hurt by this person. I still had mad love for this person, but I wasn’t in love with them anymore, and this poem was one of the first poems I wrote that pretty much let me start this journey of letting go because I needed to love me more than I loved this person.

The same applies to what I’m currently going through.

That even though it’s been a half a year things ended in my last relationship, I still have a hard time letting go of the gestures of love that were shown in that relationship. I could still love the person for them, but I can’t be in love with them or else I’ll never be able to move on, and that is going to take more than 6 months to try to work out with myself.

I called it “Our Life Through a Kaleidoscope” because of my life and romantic was never clear enough. It was never a clear image of how love was supposed to look like, how the romance was supposed to feel like; it was just something I truly never had a glimpse of, but it was still pretty to look at. 

Sometimes, that’s the thing about love: when you’re in them and when you portray this image to the outside world, it looks pretty, shiny, something you want for yourself, not ever knowing that behind close doors or the truth of it all is that the love that you admire so much or are afraid of losing is not real or obtainable as well as you thought.

19-Year-Old Liz was a true ass poet, y’all.

hand endnote

Topic Tuesdays: Love/Relationships

What I Learned After Saying the L Word.

*sings* L is for the way you look at me…


Photo Credit: Valerie Morgan Illustration


Hey, guys. Welcome back to TNTH.

Before I start off this post, I would like to state a disclaimer that I am writing this at one in the morning on the week that I am highly emotional, so if this appears too sappy or cheesy for your liking, then I advise not to read this post.

I am a cheeseball when it comes to love. Reader’s discretion is advised.

Anyway, I am not a stranger when it comes to love. All my life, I loved a lot of people platonically and objects have sentimental value to me, and yes, I’ve mistaken my infatuation with love plenty of times in my life.

This time though is truly something to write in the books.

Continue reading “What I Learned After Saying the L Word.”

Topic Tuesdays: Love/Relationships

The “I love you” Story.

“Now I’m speechless, over the edge
I’m just breathless
I never thought that I’d catch this love bug again.
Hopeless, head over heels in the moment
I never thought that I’d get hit by this love bug again.”

Love is one of those topics that can either be a really great thing to talk about, or a really complicated thing. I’m glad that the topic of love is a rather easy one to speak about, and thank God my story isn’t so heartwrenching.

Love is definitely one of those things that can’t be properly put in words. It’s one of those things you can’t explain, because it’s different for everyone. Being “in love” is definitely different for everyone too. It wouldn’t be right if I didn’t discuss love ONE WEEK before the loveliest day of the year comes around! So, lemme try to at least explain the topic of love.

They say that a person falls in love three times in their lifetime. First love is newfound, puppy naive love, the second love is the forbidden, toxic love that teaches you a lesson, and the third love is the one you never saw coming because the first two times you were blindsided by the idea of love.

My third love happens to also be my first love.

Lemme explain.

Continue reading “The “I love you” Story.”