The lack of knowing and speaking the language makes me “less” of a Latina. The lack of complete knowledge and embrace of my culture makes me “less” of a Latina. My skin, my voice, my style, makes me “less” of a Latina.
Society sometimes forgets that I am half Puerto Rican because I am not “Latina” enough, and because of that, people tend to classify me as being the part of the group of white people who are internally racist and arrogant without even knowing it because of their whiteness. You know, those “reverse racism exists, all lives matter, I don’t see color, I see humans” type of whiteness?
That part of whiteness is whiteness that I even I say white people are stupid as hell.
I will admit that because I am half white, I do have “white privilege” embedded in me. I’ve had friends in the past, of different ethnicity and race, in light of the Trayvon Martin case, tell me they feel safer around me because “they wouldn’t be suspicious and shoot down and kill a white girl.”
It saddens me to think that the beautifully diverse people I call my friends are targets in today’s society, but people will assume I don’t think like that because to the outside world, I am just “white.”
I wanted to write this post because I feel like it’s going to be a challenge to write down things that people might not already know about me. I’m pretty in touch with myself, and I’m not ashamed to tell it all about myself because these are things that make up who I am. I sit here and think if there’s anything interesting or if there’s anything I can actually share.
We’ll see how it goes. Here’s the “The list of weird/semi-interesting shit that you may or may not know about me” list:
First of all, let me start out by saying that I am in no means a cosmetologist. I never went to beauty school to study hair; I know what I know through experience and my sister who is a professional herself.
First major transition: Blonde. (May 2012)
I’ve been doing my hair for years, I think the first time I ever put hair-dye on my hair was when I was, like, 11 years old. Yeah, that’s when it all started. Since then, I’ve been through many transformations and went through the entire spectrum of blonde to black.
Current Hair Color.
Now, hair is becoming such an accessory to ones identity now, which in my opinion is an awesome thing. A friend of mine from high-school, Jude Valentin, has been faithfully dying her hair blue for almost five years now. It’s become a part of her identity in a way that it made her more confident with herself, as well as opened her up to new things that were possibly once outside of her comfort zone. Even as the years of pastel color trends came and went, she stood by her blue hair. I believe that’s what a good hair color will make a person feel like; hair can make a person feel like they have an identity they can accept nowadays.
But all hair stories aren’t as successful. See, knowing how to change your hair is one thing, but to maintain it afterwards is a completely different ballgame. There are people who walk around with damaged, blotchy hair that has no chance of surviving anymore. People, especially girls, will cry about their short haircut or their brassy hair color.
The truth of the matter is if you want a fast, clean job; go to a professional. But what if you don’t have the hundreds of dollars for that balayage hair color? If you’re ballsy enough to go ahead and do some changing yourself, then here’s a few things you need to know before doing anything to your hair:
Today is a weird day for me for many reasons. No, I am not one of those negative Nancy’s about the day itself. This day in particular is heavy for me because a year ago on this day my dog, Pal, passed away.
My family and I got Pal in 2001; he was only two months old. We had went to a pet store in upper Manhattan where the North Shore Animal League were holding adoptions for these sheltered/rescued puppies and dogs. In the prior months before we got Pal, we had lost our dog Lucky, who was actually the dog that my mother got back in 1987.
When we finally got into the city and into the pet store, my family and I didn’t know which one to adopt. A few minutes later, my mother comes back to me and sister, holding a tiny little white furball in her hands. We knew that he was the one, and that his name would be Pal.
Us in our younger days.
Pal was extremely goofy and extremely friendly. He would run around the house, play with me and my sister, cause mayhem, and do the funniest things that we still talk about to this day. He would love to be groomed (because he was a lowkey diva), he used to love vanilla ice cream, and he absolutely loved to play in the snow. Pal gave us a run for our money; he wasn’t the easiest dog to take care of in his younger years, but all in all he was a good dog.
Truly one of my best friends.
Even when Pal got older, he never stopped acting like a puppy. If anyone sat on the couch, he would get up right next to you and lay his entire body on you like a prince, waiting for you to pet him. (He would whine if you stopped. #Spoiled.) He was an odd one sometimes; for some strange reason we had bought cat treats by accident, but Pal still enjoyed them like they were the greatest thing on earth. He used to love taking his treats or toys and pretend to bury them. No seriously, he would take them, put them somewhere on the floor, pretend to dig a hole, and then act like nobody can’t see the treat/toy still. He was cute and quirky in his own way, and he tried to protect us at all costs.
One time, the cops had climbed into my living room window while I was asleep because someone had used our address has a prank phone call to the police, and I didn’t understand how they got past Pal.
… I walk inside the living room and Pal is all giddy and jumpy, playing with the female officer. Big dog, not a scary bone in his body whatsoever.
When Pal’s 14th birthday came around on June 30th, 2015, something in me told me that this was going to be the last birthday we would spend with him. We did our usual birthday celebration for Pal: we gave him his favorite thing in the absolute world; vanilla ice cream. I personally wished him one final Happy Birthday. Shortly after that, Pal began to get sick.
Pal passed away in his sleep on February 14th, 2016. His old heart gave out and was finally put to rest. He wasn’t suffering anymore. He was in doggy heaven, being young, free, and goofy; just how he always was. My father drove Pal to my grandparents house in Pennsylvania to bury him. That summer, I went to go visit his burial and put a little sunflower on top of it. In all honesty, I am actually tearing up while writing this. Remembering his last moments here are always going to be sad and difficult to relive, but Pal lived an amazing 15 years being such an amazing dog.
He showed me how to unconditionally love a living, breathing being. No matter how long he’s been gone, he will always be one of my best friends I’ve ever had.
A year later, my family and I finally decided that we are ready to finally allow another pet into our lives. Having a pet in the family really does add unconditional happiness and joy into their lives, and I think that’s something our family needs back. We can’t wait to officially call another dog ours, and add our new goofball in the family.
Valentine’s Day will forever leave my heart heavy because of Pal’s passing, and even though he’s not physically here, he will always be here in spirit.
“Now I’m speechless, over the edge
I’m just breathless
I never thought that I’d catch this love bug again.
Hopeless, head over heels in the moment
I never thought that I’d get hit by this love bug again.”
Love is one of those topics that can either be a really great thing to talk about, or a really complicated thing. I’m glad that the topic of love is a rather easy one to speak about, and thank God my story isn’t so heartwrenching.
Love is definitely one of those things that can’t be properly put in words. It’s one of those things you can’t explain, because it’s different for everyone. Being “in love” is definitely different for everyone too. It wouldn’t be right if I didn’t discuss love ONE WEEK before the loveliest day of the year comes around! So, lemme try to at least explain the topic of love.
They say that a person falls in love three times in their lifetime. First love is newfound, puppy naive love, the second love is the forbidden, toxic love that teaches you a lesson, and the third love is the one you never saw coming because the first two times you were blindsided by the idea of love.
For some of us, classes begin in the next week. While most of us think we want to go back to school, some of us dread the stress that college brings into our everyday lives.
People deal with the stress of college in their own, unique ways. Some people wait to the end of the semester to get all of their papers and projects done, and other just stress 24/7 about the assignments. I’m definitely the latter.
With the stress of college, it’s hard to balance out the other aspects of your life such as your social, financial, personal, and love life. Just because you’re a full-time college student, it doesn’t mean you can’t have a life outside of it. I’ve known many people who ditched their social lives because of college, and as a young adult, doing that isn’t the ideal thing to do.
I survived four years of undergrad studies, and now I’m shooting to survive my grad studies. Here’s how I deal with the college stress that comes along every semester:
Time management is crucial. When you’re taking four to five classes a week, sometimes it’s hard to get everything done within that time-span. Professors love to think that a student is only taking their class and pile them with assignments to complete in a short period of time. When you’re juggling five classes, with five different types of assignments to complete in a week, you don’t know where to start or how to get everything done on time. To help you manage your time, get yourself a calendar where you can write down the things that are due and what days you want to do each assignment. During my first semester of grad school, I had two very demanding classes that required a lot of my hours, so I used my calendar to write what days I had certain assignments due as well as write what days I was going to work on those said assignments. While writing my 24-paged Master’s Thesis, I chose one day out of the week for a total of five weeks to write at least 5 pages of the paper. It made my thought process a lot more organized and it was clear what I wanted to write about. Waiting to do something last-minute doesn’t give you the time to truly indulge in your creativity and intelligence.
If you’re not good under pressure, don’t try to look for a part-time job.During my second semester of my junior year, I decided to go for a part-time job at a theater production company during their show season. Due to my perfectionist qualities, I wanted to put my all in both school and my job, but it was simply impossible for me. After that, I decided to not look for a job while being in school; I wasn’t built to do both. I commend those who balance both responsibilities, but if you are a person who cannot handle the pressure of balancing both school and a job, don’t go for one. Yeah, having money is important, especially if your parents can’t help support you completely, but some things you honestly need to let go, and the luxury of having/making money is something I had to let go in order to complete school.
Know your limits. This coincides with my previous post above, but you should always know your limits with school and how much you can do. If you can’t do three classes a day for three days a week, go for two. If you can’t take late-night classes, look for morning/afternoon ones. If you can’t handle taking two literature classes at once (like me), then look into another concentration. Knowing your limit is extremely important to handle your stress; you already know beforehand what you can or cannot do, and you can plan ahead with those in mind. Keep in mind though that sometimes you have to test out the waters and see if you’re able to handle it or not. My last semester of undergrad, I took three different English classes, and I thought I was going to die because of it. At the end of the semester, I ended up passing all of them with straight A’s and landed a spot on the Dean’s List. Anything is possible, you just have to try it out first.
Spontaneity doesn’t exist in the college life. Plan, plan, plan! Keeping up your social or love life while being a college student can be difficult sometimes; I sometimes feel guilty that I don’t see everyone that I want to see because of the way I plan out my work days. (It’s funny, Obie sent me on a guilt trip earlier on Monday on how I only see him once a week.) Luckily, I plan ahead in what I want to do with the people I want to see. If you have a day over the weekend that you have for yourself, make sure to plan ahead on what you want to do. If you have friends who are also college students, you sometimes can’t expect them to be available when you are and ask them that day to hang out. Ask in advance and plan something. My “day-off day” during the semester are usually Saturdays, and I typically spend those days with my S/O because ya girl needs some TLC after a long, hard-working week. When you plan your outings in advance, it allows you plan around that on the days you want to work on school assignments.
The beginning of a semester can be scary, but try to relax. The worst thing that can possibly happen is that Amazon doesn’t ship the textbook you need for your class fast enough to use it for the following lecture. Even in grad school, your first week is “syllabus week”, which is just the class you can relax and get a feel of your professor and your classmates. Although in grad school, you automatically start working after the class introduction, it still isn’t the end of the world. You will adapt to your surroundings and this class will feel like the many others that you took throughout your college career. Just relax and keep an open mind about things when starting a new semester.
Whether you’re entering your first semester of college or your last, the college jitters exist for everyone. It seems like the work will be intense once you get your class syllabus, but ask yourself just how many times you said that about a class and it ended up being easy or just fine? The most important thing about college is being able to take care of yourself while taking care of your business. If you have experience simultaneously doing both during the semester, then you will be just fine.
I hope everyone has a great and successful semester! Cheers to the Spring 2017 semester!
“In order to help people survive, you must tell the story of your own survival.”
Five years ago on January 17th, I had a nervous breakdown. I went to school that day not feeling like myself. I remember my favorite sweater had little blood stains on the sleeves where my forearm was located. The previous night, I had self-harmed myself. I went to my guidance counselor that morning and was too afraid to return to my classes, and when he made me go back, I fell apart. This day was the first of many bad days, and the beginning of a downward spiral I called life.
During the first couple of months into that year, I was severely depressed. I pushed all of my good friends away from me, the people who I thought were my good friends all turned their backs on me, I had a bad reputation with the people I once cared for, and I was constantly fearing for my well-being.
All in all, I was a victim of severe mental bullying.
Because of my severe depression and paranoia over the things that were said and done, I began to make choices and decisions that not only affected me, but began to affect those who were scared for me, and trying to help me out. But even then the people who keep trying to help you, get tired of helping a helpless person.
By April, I felt what it was like to truly be alone. Shortly after that, I had constant suicidal thoughts. “What if I just let a driving car hit me in full speed? What if I drank the entire bottle of NyQuil tonight to help me sleep forever? Would anyone care if I was gone?”
It was my lowest point in my life thus far.
It took me a very long time to gain back control of my life. The constant fear and loneliness I felt always came back. The recovery stage of my life took years to complete. Sometimes I feel like I’m still at that stage of my life. In some sort of strange way, I can only imagine this is what PTSD feels like. But after it all, I came out of it a better person. Those traumatic events help define me because I am who I am because of them. It’s why I’m an advocate for proper mental health awareness and self-care.
Many people don’t realize that being mentally healthy is just as important as being physically healthy. People will live most of their lives with these problems; some are too afraid to admit that they might be mentally ill because of the stigma mental health has. “People with mental illnesses are dumb and stupid, they’re just damaged goods” is just one of the many things I’ve heard peopledescribe mental illness. Mental illness is just as important to treat, just how cancer, chronic illnesses, and physical illnesses are.
I was lucky to get myself out of my own depression. I know a lot of people who aren’t fortunate enough to handle their depression and get out of it. Depression is so much more than “just being sad”. People who have depression attempt and commit suicide more than any other diagnosed mental disorder. It constantly makes every feeling you have ten times worse; you feel lonely when you’re not, you feel hopelessness and unworthy when you’re not, and you feel sad even when you’re smiling.
All people heal differently. I know my coping mechanisms may not work on some people, and that’s okay. As a survivor, many other people’s methods of coping didn’t work on me. Find your own or tweak some of these universal tips that I most certainly found helpful while coping with depression:
Write down how you are feeling in a journal. Keeping strong emotions bottled up inside isn’t healthy for anyone. If you feel like your inner bottle is filled to the rim, empty it by writing down how you feel. Releasing that on pen and paper helps you organize the emotions that you’re really feeling. It puts those feelings out in the world, and not stuck in your mind.
Find a hobby. My hobby when I was trying to get over my depression was watching TV Crime dramas, oddly enough. I started to watch The Killing and interacted with the Twitter community that these two women created. That fandom seriously saved my life. Find something that will ease your mind. I know a lot of people who use art as a source of relaxation; so grab an adult coloring book and color. Draw/paint something. Relax your mind.
Go for long walks. Every now and then when I need to clear my mind, I get out the house and go walking for as long as I need to. Focusing your energy on walking and being naturally alert of the things around you will help you clear out any lingering negative thoughts you may be thinking or feeling.
Always talk to someone when you are feeling down.I use to bottle up my emotions because I always felt like nobody wanted to listen to my issues or problems. When I realized that the only way I was going to get a second opinion on things was to talk to someone else, that’s when I found my one person to always talk to when I’m feeling down. My best friend, Obie, is that person for me. Finding a person who will allow you to talk will be hard to find and trust at first and if you can’t find someone to talk to, there are communities out there dedicated to talking to you when you are down. Just know you are not alone.
Always know that this feeling is temporary and things get better. When you experience something that was traumatic or life-altering, at first it does leave an emotional scar on you that could take a really long time to heal; I’m still trying to let mine heal after all these years. Just because you can’t make the scar disappear completely, doesn’t mean you can’t overcome the effect of it. Look at your emotional scars as motivation to come out of things stronger and better.
Don’t be afraid to get help. Sometimes, your last resort is to finally go and see a therapist and have a professional handy to help you with any psychological issues. You are not weak for doing so, but rather really strong for admitting you need the extra help. The quicker you accept this and look past it, the faster you’ll feel better about yourself.
At the end of the day, your mental health is extremely important. If your mind is healthy, you will start making decisions that are healthy for you. Your mentality is your reality, so make everyday a great one by simply taking care of your mental health.
I made it my mission to get my mind healthy again. I survived it. You can too.
-Liz (:
*All images included in this post belong to the person who created these wonderful, beautiful statements about mental health and self-care.
So, fun little fact about me: I’m one of those girls. When someone asks me what kind of music I listen to, I say “pretty much anything.” 99% of the time, they roll their eyes back at me. But it’s true; I’m the type of music lover that does gravitate towards a certain genre, but when I like a song, I LIKE a song (Just ask Obie; he’s the reason why I’m up to date on all of the Fabolous mix-tapes.)
When I’m not secretly partying by myself with my really loud “bops”, I’ve been going back to these specific artists/albums/playlists on my Spotify playlist a lot lately:
This 2007 hits playlist.Ever since 2017 started, I’ve been curious to see if I remembered any of the songs that were hits 10 years ago, and this playlist doesn’t disappoint. Sometimes, user-made playlists can either be really good, or extremely bias (in other words, this 2007 Hits playlist could’ve been just a playlist of heavy metal/Myspace Emo songs that came out in 2007). This one though is SO GOOD. Every song on this playlist will have you living in complete nostalgia. I know I have!
A whole lot of Fifth Harmony, especially this unreleased song.I am not going to lie and say that Camila Cabello leaving the group did not affect me because I’ve been fans of theirs ever since their X-Factor days. I mean, I wasn’t surprised that Camila left 5H (I actually didn’t like her a hell of a lot, but that’s a different story). This unreleased song was recorded back in 2013, initially for their EP, Better Together. Before the group got all big and famous, this is what Fifth Harmony sounded like: a young, bubblegum pop girl group that sang about real empowerment (Again, not saying that “Worth It” or “Work from Home” were bad songs, they were just… confusing girl-empowerment songs). What I’m saying is that this unreleased 5H song really hit me close to home because the message is pretty much what I’m planning to make 2017: fearless and the world is mine.
Speaking of 5H drama; this edited 4H version of “That’s My Girl” . I don’t know why I keep going back to this song on YouTube practically every day since I discovered it, but there’s something so satisfying about listening to a song you love without a member’s voice in the song. This edited version of “That’s My Girl” only has the voices of Lauren Jauregui, Ally Brooke, Normani Kordei, and Dinah Jane showcased; all the parts Camila Cabello sang where edited out. Don’t get me wrong, I was listening to the real version of this song ever since 7/27 was released and I still love it, and even without Camila in this version, it’s still just as great. I’m excited to see the direction the remaining four members will take their music in 2017.
This “Punk Goes Pop” cover of “Chandelier” . I occasionally like to listen to rock or punk music, and although Sia’s original version of “Chandelier” is possibly one of my favorite songs of all time, this cover of it is almost just as amazing as the original. I always envisioned this song to be a very powerful piece, and Pvris, the band who covers it, does an amazing job heightening the power ambiance the song already has. I believe even people who aren’t into punk music like that will like that, because of the power the song carries.
This Kelly Clarkson cover of Radiohead’s “Creep”. If you’ve known me for the longest of time, you will know that I am possibly Kelly Clarkson’s biggest fan. I was that ONE GIRL who cried her eyes out at 8 years old when she won American Idol in 2002. She recently released a few of her live covers from her 2015 Piece by Piece Tour (which I went to and it was the best night of my life). Kelly, being an 80’s baby, is always covering songs that are before her time & WAY before mine, or songs that I don’t really know because, again, she’s an 80’s baby. She released the ONE SONG I actually knew from Radiohead, “Creep”. A lot of people have covered this song to this day, but I believe Kelly’s cover of it is one of the best. Prepare for instant goosebumps towards the end of the song. You won’t regret it.
Lastly, this throwback song of “The Baddest Girl” by Pentatonix.Since then, Pentatonix has come out with a full-length album for their original songs, after they gained popularity and success through YouTube making covers of Top 40 hits. “The Baddest Girl” is possibly their first original song they put on an EP; this particular one was on their first EP, PTX Vol. 1. I always looked over it because when I was introduced to them, I was only interested in their covers. Now as an all-around fan, this is now one of my favorite originals of theirs. Scott Hoying, originally the unofficial leader of the group—excuse my language—SANG HIS ASS OFF in this song. The other members, Mitch Grassi, Kirstin Maldonado, Avi Kaplan, and Kevin Olusola are all equally has talented, and with their harmonies and backtrack of the song (oh, yeah – if you didn’t know, they are an a capella group), the song is a masterpiece on the album. Of course, their newer originals are a lot more complex in harmony and now almost all members now get a chance to shine in a track as the lead, “The Baddest Girl” is great considering this is the first original they produced and released.
I promise, my musical selection will be more diverse next time I post a music entry for Topic Tuesdays, but with the devastation of 5H’s split and nostalgia of 2007, I’ve been pretty hooked.
Letters From Liz. 