Category: The Something Series: 뭔가 다른 것

I slipped through the door of the studio that the showcase was being held in, trying not to cause a scene with the other parents and relatives in the seats. I shimmied my way through dozens of parents, apologizing for invading their space while trying to get to my seat.

I sat in the seat next to Grace’s parents, Shawn, and Skylar. Maki turned her head and reached out her arms toward me, wanting me to pick her up. I took Maki from Mollie, putting Maki in the sling that seemed to now permanently live on my chest.

Shawn was the first one to say something to me. “Hyung, everything alright? Or were you and Grace… y’know…”

“Ya,” I reacted, covering Maki’s ears with my hands. “We were not doing anything—”

“Where the hell is she?” Skylar intervened, leaning towards us to ask.

“She’s coming; she just needed a pep talk,” I answered, whispering so none of the other parents heard. Suddenly, the door to the studio opened, and in walked Grace. I let out a sigh of relief; I was getting worried she would’ve back down after our talk as well. Instead, she came into the studio with a huge smile on her face.

“Good afternoon, parents, friends, and family to the Autumn showcase here at the Castro Dance Academy.” The audience applaud; I took Maki’s hands and clapped them for her. She cooed loudly, which made Grace look our way. I smiled at her and nodded, reassuring her to continue. Grace looked out to the audience and continued her introduction.

She gathered her thoughts before she spoke. “The Castro Dance Academy, as many of you may know, was established by my aunt, Jennifer Ann Castro, back in 2018. It had started out as an idea in her duplex apartment where she taught some of her first dancers in her home studio during the day, and raised her family just upstairs at night. The academy was home to one of the dance community’s most well renowned dancer; my mother, Mollie Sue Castro.” Mollie stood up from her seat as the audience cheered; it was clear that many of the parents and other figures in the dance community had great respect for her. She sat back down, putting the attention back on Grace.

“I took over the academy a couple of years ago in hopes that I could also continue the legacy that my family carried generation to generation. Here at the Castro Dance Academy, we want our dancers to show up and leave with the confidence to pursue anything they want; whether that be a world renowned dancer performing on different stages around the world, a part of a dance ensemble on Broadway, or perhaps start their own dance academy with the hopes of passing down the art of dance to our future society.” Grace quickly looked at the dancers at the other end of the room, smiling in their direction. “I hope that tonight’s showcase shows you just a glimpse of all of the hard work our young dancers do here at the academy. Specifically, this cohort is a special one, as this piece was choreographed by Ms. Aimee and Mr. Maurice; two dearest friends I got the pleasure in dancing with in the Ulsan Dance Production two years ago.” Both Aimee and Maurice bow in front of the audience while they applaud.

“Without further ado, here’s this year’s Autumn showcase!” Grace announced as she left towards the side of the studio. The dancers were all in their dance attire, lined up in position waiting for the music to start. Once the song began to play, the dancers began to twirl and move to the rhythm of the song. While all of the dancers were amazing, my eyes couldn’t get off of Willow. She danced with a huge smile on her face, looking exactly how Grace does when she dances. She was definitely Grace’s daughter. Once the dance was over, everyone gave the small cohort a standing ovation, followed by Aimee and Maurice bowing. They immediately pulled Grace towards the front, and the audience began to cheer louder. Grace’s face was immediately red, bowing down, thanking the audience.

…

The adults all decided to go back to the Ashmore house for desserts and coffee after the showcase ended that night. Weston and Mollie hosted most of their family with the exception of Max and his wife, Mariam. Everyone was getting along, talking among each other in the living room area. Weston and Mollie sat at one end of the room talking to Max and Mariam; Mollie had Maki in her lap, playing with a rattle toy of her choice as Willow played peek-a-boo with her behind the couch. Shawn and Skylar sit near the kitchen island, sharing celebratory drinks with Aimee and Maurice. It was the perfect way to end such a beautiful night until I noticed that Grace wasn’t around everyone else. Something in me told me where she was already, as I learned pretty quickly where she tends to gravitate to.

I slid open the balcony door from the guest room; the same room that Grace lived in while she was in college. She turned around as I smiled at her, sliding the door shut behind me.

“Jagiya,” I started to say. “What are you doing out here by yourself?”

Grace smiled before looking out toward the city. “Just getting some air after a really long day.” I placed my arm around her, kissing the side of her temple.

“Everything was beautiful,” I began to say with a smile on my face. “And the space looks really good.” Grace smiles as a response, not saying much. It somewhat confused me; I would’ve expected Grace to be more vocal about tonight, considering this was the studio’s first showcase since being in the new space. I analyzed her expression, unable to interpret what’s going on in her mind. “Is everything okay?”

Grace took a moment before she answered. “Everything is great.”

I squinted my eyes suspiciously. “That wasn’t very convincing.”

“You know that moment of silence you get after feeling like your mind has been racing with everything going on around you?” Grace randomly asked. “Like for one moment, your mind is clear of everything that’s happening?”

“Sure,” I answered, pondering the thought. “I sometimes have those moments after my lectures, or when you’re working and I finally put down Maki for the night.”

Grace nodded her head. “It’s been awhile since I’ve had one of these nights.” She leaned her head along my shoulder, looking out to the city once more. “Now I have to think about the holiday showcase and what dance to do next–“

“Ya,” I said, looking down at Grace. “October just started; let’s not fast forward to the holidays just yet.” Grace laughed as she looked up, shaking her head.

“I guess you’re right,” she began to say. “I don’t think I can handle seeing Maki in a holiday dress, celebrating her first Christmas–“

“Okay, I’m going to stop you there,” I said jokingly, not ready to think about Maki’s first holiday with us. I didn’t even like thinking about how fast she was growing up; it felt like it was just yesterday that I was first holding her in my arms. Grace looked up and smiled at me. “Mwo?” I asked, seeing the perplexed looked on her face.

“Nothing,” she answered cryptically. It wasn’t like Grace to beat around the bush like this, so surely there’s more going on in her head than she wanted me to know. “I think I’ve just accepted that this is… my life.”

“Jagiya,” I scoffed before I continued. “I’m going to need you to talk to me in complete sentences–“

“I think for once in my life I feel absolutely… happy.” She paused before she continued. “I feel like I’m suppose to be where I’m supposed to be. With you.” Grace’s words made me feel warm inside; everything about Grace makes me feel like it’s the very first time. I blushed, and Grace immediately caught on and giggled. “I didn’t mean to make you embarrassed–“

“Not embarrassed,” I quickly corrected her. “You just continue to have the same effect on me since the first day I met you.” Grace was now the one blushing, hiding her red cheeks with the palm of her hands.

“What did you think about Willow’s dance tonight?” Grace asked, changing the subject. “She actually made me cry while I was at the back of the room.”

“She didn’t even look like she was nervous,” I commented, reflecting on the performance tonight. “She seemed so poise and confident; not to be completely biased but she looked like a seasoned professional compare to the other dancers–“

“Jamie,” Grace said, slapping my arm. “You can’t say that!”

“Why not? I only speak the truth,” I teased, smiling afterwards. “You’re raising a sophisticated, eloquent young lady.”

“You’re raising her too, you know.” I looked at Grace, not really expecting her to say that. “You’re just as much as her parent as Max and me. Do you realize just how much she adores you? She’s always talking about you and all of the words you’ve been teaching her in Korean. Not everyone will do that with a kid that’s not biologically theirs.”

Grace’s words meant a lot to me, and I couldn’t help but smile back at her. “She’s our original little bean.”

…

On this particular night, Grace had to work late in the studio to wrap up some paperwork, and I was strictly on dad duty. In true Maki fashion, she had preferred to be strapped to my chest as I was preparing dinner for Willow and me. Willow sat at one end of the island counter, finishing the last of her homework.

“Willow Bean, dinner should be ready in 5 minutes. Make sure your homework is in the correct folder before you put it away,” I said, opening the fridge to grab one of Maki’s bottles. Willow hopped off the stool and grabbed her folder full of worksheets and walked toward me.

“You or mommy have to sign it,” Willow said, pointing the folder up toward me. I quickly placed the folder back on the counter, signing my name on the dotted line that says ‘parent/guardian signature’.

“There you go,” I said, placing the worksheet back in the folder. “Go wash up for dinner, okay?” Willow nodded her head, skipping towards her bedroom.

I made sure the girls ate before I did, only because it was easier to supervise them both than having to eat and do so at the same time. Also, I was busy holding Maki in one hand while holding her bottle with the other. Willow took her time eating the Korean soup dish I prepared on this rainy, October night.

“Jamie?” Willow said after a couple of spoonful’s of soup.

“Ne?” I answered; my attention now on her.

“How do you say ‘soup’ in Korean?”

“Well, there’s many different types of soups. There’s guk, tang, jjigae; it all depends on the type of soup you’re eating.”

“So, what would this soup be called?” Willow asked, twirling her spoon into the bowl.

“This is dakgomtang, or chicken soup,” I answered her. She looked at me as I pronounced it out. “Dak-gom-tang.”

“Dak-gom-tang,” she repeated in an American accent. It was cute hearing her pronounce the Korean words with her tiny voice.

“Ne, jalhaess-eoyo.” I smiled at Willow before looking down at Maki, feeding her with a bottle. Willow watched as Maki ate.

“Will Maki learn Korean when she grows up?” She asked.

“Maki is already learning,” I replied, looking down at Maki. “The more words we say around her, the more she will learn what they mean.”

“Does she know any words now?”

“Well, we won’t know until Maki gets a little bit older,” I began to explain, cleaning Maki’s face with her bib. “Do you want to teach her a word today?” Willow’s eyes lit up, seeming to be shocked.

“I can?”

“Of course,” I said as I smiled, placing the bottle down on the counter. Maki seemed to be confused on why the food just abruptly stopped, but she didn’t fuss. She looked directly at Willow with her big, chocolate-colored eyes. “Let’s teach her how to say ‘big sister’.”

“Wouldn’t it just be sister?” Willow asked. She was pretty intelligent for a 7-year-old girl.

“In Korean, the way you address your elders is very important. It’s all about being polite and respectful to people that are older than you.” I looked at Maki, getting her attention before I continued. “Maki-ya, igeon ne eonniya.” I looked at Willow as she looked at me with a huge question mark on her face. “Maki, this is your big sister. When Maki gets older, she will address you as her eonni.“

“Eon-ni,” Willow sounded out, perfecting it on the first try.

“Ne, maja,” I praised her, which put a major smile on Willow’s face. “Sometimes, she will say your first name, followed by eonni. So, Maki will say ‘Willow eonni‘.”

“That’s so cool!” Willow said excitedly. She leans forward on the counter, getting close to Maki. “I am your eonni, Maki!” Maki flashed a gummy smile at her sister which instantly warms my heart. “Does she call you Jamie too?”

“I am Maki’s appa, or dad,” I corrected her, getting nervous having to explain the difference. Surely, Willow was old enough to understand that her and Maki share the same mother, but have different fathers. I was just unsure how to teach her the difference in another language. “You call your dad appa.”

“And mommy?”

“You and Maki call her eomma,” I finished her thought. Willow had a perplexed look on her face, seeming to be pondering a thought. “What’s on your mind?”

“So there’s no special name for you in Korean?” Willow asked, seeming a bit disappointed. I tightly smile, thinking about how to answer her question.

“I’ll let you in on a little secret,” I started to say in a whisper, leaning towards the counter. “Remember how mommy and I told you that Maki has two different names?”

She nodded her head. “Yep! Mommy said that Maki’s other name is Maggie,” she stated the facts. I nodded my head, agreeing with her.

“That’s right,” I started to say. “That’s because Maki’s American name is Maggie. Maki’s special name is Maki.”

“Ohhh,” Willow reacted, nodding her head.

“I have a special name too,” I revealed, smiling at Willow. I was intrigued at how invested she was in learning this newfound information. She was such a smart girl that always wanted to learn new things, and I never mind teaching her those new things.

“What’s your special name?”

“Jaemin,” I answered in Korean.

“Jae-min,” Willow said, sounding the words out. I nodded my head, agreeing with Willow’s pronunciation.

“Maja, Willow-ah,” I responded back. Willow self-congratulated by applauding herself. I couldn’t help but laugh at her reaction. I never imagined that I would be spending my night with Maki and Willow; nae ttaldeul.

The mornings Grace and I once had before Maki was born were long gone, and now mainly consisted of us feeding and changing her all before the 8 o’clock news came on.

On most mornings, I was the first one to wake up. I would let Grace get a little bit more sleep before she wakes up having to care for Maki. To help her ease into these mornings, I would make sure the coffee pot was the first thing I turned on when walking into the kitchen. The sound of the coffee brewing was one of my favorite things, only because it’s not long after that that I hear Maki through the baby monitor wide awake and ready to get out of her crib. I would then walk into her room, grab Maki and rock her in my arms, greeting her good morning before taking her into the living room. It’s then when Grace walks out of the bedroom, rubbing the last bit of sleep away from her eyes, and takes Maki from me.

This morning was different.

My alarm went off for 6AM; the sun was barely even up for the day. I looked over to my right and immediately rub my eyes. Grace is not in the bed.

“Jagiya?” I called out, clearing my throat and throwing on a robe and slippers. I looked around the room to no answer. I walked out of the bedroom, noticing the coffee pot was on and that my mug was already sitting next to it. “Grace?”

The door to Maki’s room opened, and out comes Grace holding Maki. I smiled at my girls, walking up to give Grace a kiss. A kiss was not a part of Grace’s agenda this morning.

She instead hands me Maki in a frenzy. “Not today!” She power walked to the bedroom, which I was super confused in what was happening. Before walking toward the bedroom to check on her, I immediately notice the wall calendar in our kitchen. Aigoo, today Grace returns to work.

I walked into the bedroom with Maki, watching Grace quickly put on clothes for the day. She turned around and saw me standing there, startling her.

“God, Jamie,” she said, holding her chest. “I love you, but you need to get out of here.”

I was more confused than ever. “What?” I scoffed. Grace walked to me, pushing me back towards the exit of our bedroom door.

“Leave,” she demanded, pushing me even more. Once she successfully pushed me out, she closed the door behind me. I looked at Maki, who seem to be just as confused.

“Is everything okay?” I asked Grace through the door. She doesn’t answer back right away, which led me to knock on the door once more. “Grace?”

The door swings open, and Grace is now wearing her business casual outfit. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen Grace dress up, yet alone put on real pants instead of sweats.

“You look beau–“

“Yeah, yeah,” Grace dismissed, walking towards the small coat closet, looking for something. “I’m not going to allow you to distract me.”

“Distract you?” I questioned.

“Yes, Jamie; distract,” she emphasized. “I am not going to allow you to distract me and keep me from going back to work.”

I laughed before I responded back. “I guess I’ll let you use me as an excuse today; it is your first day back–“

“Is it too soon?” Grace finally looked at me and asked. I was starting to realize this wasn’t just the normal kind of anxiety one feels about returning back to work; this was a Grace level of anxiety about returning back to work. “Maybe I should’ve–“

“Ya,” I interrupted her spiraling thought process. “If it was too soon, you wouldn’t have gotten yourself ready for work today.” Grace looked at me before looking at Maki. I was grateful that in the months that Maki has been here, she has really lightened up to me and didn’t fuss in my arms when holding her. “Maki is going to be fine.”

“I don’t know,” Grace said, letting out a stressful sigh. “What if she realizes I’m gone and she starts to panic? What if something happens to her and I’m not here?”

“I’m right here, jagiya,” I tried to reassure her, hoping she would listen to me. “I just have an online lecture at 10 this morning and then I’m free the entire day.” Grace didn’t look convinced. She simply walked away toward the kitchen, opening up all the drawers as if she was looking for something. Getting her to calm down this morning was not going to happen.

I placed Maki in her rocker before walking toward Grace, gently closing the current drawer she was looking in. She looked up at me.

“Jamie–“

“Grace,” I said back, leaving her pet name out of this discussion. “You decided this date to go back to the academy. I think you’re just psyching yourself out because of Maki.”

“What if she gets separation anxiety?” she asked.

“Jagiya, she’s about to be 5 months old; I don’t think she even knows what that is yet.” I smiled tightly at her, trying to ease her own anxiety. “She’s going to be fine.”

“You promise?” Grace finally looked up at me and said. I pull her in for a tight hug, kissing the top of her head before answering her.

“I promise,” I gently said to Grace.

…

“Alright everyone, midterms are quickly approaching us, which means the proposals for your case studies are due in a couple of weeks,” I started to say to my online class. I didn’t realize how much I actually enjoyed teaching until I was given the opportunity to. While I also enjoyed working out on the field, there was something rewarding about teaching perspective law students the things I learned in law school. Plus, teaching was a lot less demanding than being active on a case. Maki was the only thing that needed to be demanding in my life.

I gathered my papers before continuing the lecture. “So, the first of order of business is–” Suddenly, a noise is heard coming through the baby monitor. It didn’t sound like much, so I went ahead to teach the class. “Like I was saying, we should–” A louder cry is heard now, and I begin to grow anxious. Maki-ya… “We should be referring to the text for resources…” Maki’s cry continues, and I can now see my students looking at their screens with a confused look on their face.

I cleared my throat. “I apologize, please give me a minute,” I said, running out of the bedroom and across the apartment. I opened the door of Maki’s room, noticing she was wide awake from her nap.

“Maki-ya,” I said, picking her up from her crib. “Museun il-ieyo? What’s wrong?” Maki cries out, her gummy mouth appearing after every wail. I tired to rock her in my arms; that wasn’t working. I kept looking at my watch for the time, knowing I needed to get back to my lecture before my students start wondering what happened.

For the next couple of minutes, I tried almost everything to help Maki stop crying. I tried rocking her, giving her a bottle, and even poorly singing to her; nothing was working. I was becoming more anxious, needing to desperately return back to the lecture. I quickly sat down and placed Maki on my lap, letting her sit up and lean against me. It was like something finally clicked. Maki immediately stop crying and started to look at her surroundings. I looked down at her, watching her observe the room.

“You just wanted to sit on appa‘s lap?” I asked her as if she was able to answer me. “I can’t just keep you on my lap all day, princess.” She cooed loudly as if she knew what I was even saying to her. Suddenly, a light bulb went off in my head. I know it was a stupid idea and appeared unprofessional, but like everything else in my life these last couple of years, things have been everything but normal.

I walked back into the room, turning my camera back on for my students. This time, I have Maki strapped on my chest, looking intently at the screen in front of her. I notice some students react to the sight of Maki.

“Sorry about that everyone,” I began to say, handing Maki one of her plush toys. “My daughter insisted she help run today’s lecture.” Some of the students smiled, while others audibly awed.

I didn’t realize just how much Maki enjoyed being this close to me. She was definitely still more of a mama’s girl, but Maki seemed to always wanted to be a part of whatever I was doing. She was also a very chatty baby, and definitely had her opinions during today’s review of the case we are studying. Can I stay like this forever?

…

Grace came home around 6 o’clock that evening, immediately taking her shoes off at the door and dropping her bag next to them. I turned around, smiling at my hard-working girl.

“Jagiya,” I greeted her, kissing her forehead. Grace immediately looked at my chest, noticing Maki just hanging out there.

“My Maki girl,” Grace began to lift her up from the carrier, but Maki protested against it. Grace quickly put her down, which causes Maki to stop crying. She looked at me confused.

“She’s been attached to me all day,” I started to explain. “She refuses to be taken out of the sling.”

“She’s been in this all day?” Grace asked, sitting next to us at the kitchen table.

“She basically taught my lecture today,” I joked around, looking down at Maki. “I mean, they loved her, but she wouldn’t let me take her out of this.”

“I leave to go to work one day and she’s already turning into daddy’s girl,” she teased, looking up at me. “I told you she’d be.”

I smiled before I said anything. “How was your first day back?” Grace’s eyes lit up, smiling before she responded.

“So good! Aimee and Maurice gave me the heads up that this cohort of students where halfway into learning the dance for the Autumn showcase. It felt so good to go back and dance.” It was nice to hear Grace speak like that. I know how tough the last couple of months it’s been for Grace to get back into the swing of things, especially since having Maki. Maki has been such a life-changing aspect for both of us; we both didn’t realize just how much of ourselves got lost in the gist of being her parents.

Maki cooed loudly, flailing a toy around before dropping it on the floor. Grace quickly picked it up, handing it back to her.

“And how was your day, Maki?” Grace smiled as she spoke to her. Maki smiled, excitedly wiggling in the sling. I could see the exhaustion from work erase from Grace’s face. It was always so interesting to see Grace transform with Maki. I wouldn’t dare ever ask her if she was simply lying to me whenever she called herself a bad mom in the past; she’s been everything but that in the months we’ve had Maki.

…

“Yeah, I’m coming down right now,” I said over the phone, grabbing the last things I needed with Maki strapped on my chest. I was grateful that she enjoyed being in this as much as she did; she made multi-tasking so much more easy these days.

I placed a tiny baby hat on top of Maki’s head, getting her ready to venture out into the Autumn night. I stood in front of our bedroom mirror as Maki cooed playfully. Aigoo, who would’ve thought this is how I’d look like these days.

“Junbidwaess-eo?” I asked Maki in Korean without translating afterwards. She cooed loudly, which made me smile. “Uwa,” I said, shocked as if she could understand what I was saying. Maki wiggled in the sling, flailing her arms excitedly. “Sounds like you’re ready.”

I exited the apartment building and immediately see the cab out front. “I entered the cab, greeting both the cab driver and Shawn in the passengers seat.

“Maki!” Shawn smiled as he greeted her before me. I looked at him before he noticed me actually looking at him. “What?”

“Sheesh, I feel the love,” I teased him as Maki cooed. Shawn seemed to be shocked at the volume of Maki’s wail.

“She’s got some pipes on her,” Shawn commented. “Do I sense a main vocalist in a K-pop group?”

“Absolutely not,” I intervened, shaking my head. The ride to the academy was quicker than I thought it would be; Grace wasn’t kidding when she said that this space was closer to the apartment. Both Shawn and I get out of the cab, looking at the building in front of us.

“Castro Dance Academy,” Shawn read the sign outside of the building. I smiled, happy to see that Grace kept the name of her family business. “I thought her last name was Ashmore.” Not for long. We walked into the studio space and was greeted by one of the front desk assistants; she seemed to immediately recognize me.

“Ah, Jamie,” the woman said, smiling at me. “I’m Tatiana; It’s nice to put a face to the name Grace has thrown around here a hundred times.” I felt my face getting red, blushing from the comment. Ya, does she talk about me as much as I talk about her?

“Hi, it’s nice to meet you,” I greeted Tatiana, slightly bowing. I know Grace would scold me for still being in the habit of bowing, but it’s just the one thing that’ll always be embedded in me. “This is Grace’s brother-in-law; Shawn.”

“Hi,” Shawn said as he waved shyly to the woman. Tatiana waved back before her eyes went straight to Maki. “This is Maki, our daughter–“

“Yes!” she quickly said, smiling at Maki. “Hi there pretty girl!” Maki’s eyes widen, seeming unsure of the interaction. Maki-ya, now is not the time to secretly judge your mom’s workers. “Let me take you two to the back where Grace and her cousin are.” Shawn and I followed Tatiana to one of the many studio rooms, passing by the main one with different parents sitting on foldable chairs. Grace wasn’t kidding about the enrollment this year.

We finally stopped by an office area, which Tatiana knocked on the door before Grace opened it. She had on a dark purple dress and black heels on. She had tied her hair up, leaving some curly pieces down on her face. She’s breathtaking–

“Jamie!” Grace shouted at me, taking me out of my thought bubble. I looked down at her, seeing the anxiety all over her face. “I said come in already, sheesh–

“Mianhae,” I apologized, walking into her office. I could already sense the tension in the room just by looking at Skylar alone. “Is everything alright?”

“You have a batshit crazy girlfriend,” Skylar said, looking directly at Grace. “By the way, you owe me $40 for those heels since you forgot yours at home.”

“Jagiya,” I said, looking at Grace now. “You could’ve just told me to bring them with me–“

“You wouldn’t have brought the right ones,” Grace brushed off, walking toward me to pick up Maki. Her demeanor instantly changed. “Hi Maki girl!” Maki cooed loudly at Grace, happy to see her too. Skylar shook her head, walking out of the office with Shawn. Before we were able to get some time alone before the showcase, Grace’s mom knocks on the office door, looking in.

“Hi,” Mollie said, leaning into the office door. “Tatiana told me you were in here.” She looked at me and smiled. “Hi, Jamie.”

“Hi, Mrs. Ashm–” I shut my eyes, stopping myself. “Mollie.”

“Ooo, first name basis,” Grace teased, bouncing Maki on her lap. Mollie sucked her teeth, walking toward Grace to get Maki. She instantly smiled once she was in Mollie’s arms. Maki loved Mollie.

“Look at you in your pretty outfit!” she said to Maki, holding her in her arms. Mollie was probably the only person outside Grace and I that allowed her to actually hold her. She was also one of the very few that she didn’t give the judgmental eyes to. It was interesting, to say the least. “Where is my other pretty girl?”

“Max is with her in the other studio room,” Grace sighed as she said. “She’s nervous. Anything I say to her makes her annoyed.”

“Sounds like someone I know,” I playfully teased Grace as she nudged my arm. “She’s going to be great.”

“Of course, she’s Grace’s daughter,” Mollie said, smiling at us. “I’ll take this little one with me and meet with your father.” She took Maki and closed the office door closed behind her; it was now just Grace and I in the office. I immediately go in and wrap my arms around her for a hug.

“It’s been a long time since we’ve been alone,” I said in a flirtatious tone. “Just you and me, all alone in this room…”

“Jamie,” Grace said, not seemingly as flirty as I thought she’d be. I looked down at her and see the nerves written on her face. She took a deep breath; it definitely came out more shaky than normal.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“I hope everything works out tonight,” Grace admitted, letting out that deep breath. “I’m nervous as a dance teacher, I’m nervous as a dance mom, I’m just–“

“Ya,” I quickly said. “It’s normal to feel nervous. It’s a big night for you and the academy.”

“I just don’t understand how generations of my family done this on top of juggling their responsibilities as mothers.” Grace looked a little sullen now. “I haven’t been there for Maki since moving the academy here and I can see she is already upset with me.”

“Mwo?” I asked, shocked to hear her say this. “How can she possibly be upset with you?”

“I feel like… she doesn’t need me as much as she once did. I mean,” Grace started to say, tugging at the sling I still had wrapped around me. “She loves when you have her in this, more than me holding her.”

“Jagiya,” I scoffed, not understanding where this was coming from. “You’re her mother–“

“And you’re her father. Clearly she has a preference now–“

“Wait, wait,” I stopped Grace before things got complex. I knew this wasn’t about me, or Maki. I knew this was something deeper that she was fighting with, and as her fiancée it was my job to better understand what was going on with her. “What is this really about?”

“What do you mean? I just–“

“Grace.” I looked at her, not letting her talk herself out of actually having a conversation with me. Grace took a moment before she spoke, sitting back down in her chair.

“Everything is just happening super fast,” Grace finally admitted. “I feel like I’m being pulled in 3 different directions that all need the same amount of my attention.” I looked at her, waiting for her to elaborate even further. She sighed before continuing. “I feel like the academy is taking me away from taking care of Maki.”

“That’s not true–“

“You can’t tell me how I’m feeling, Jamie,” Grace spat back, immediately getting defensive. Classic Grace mechanism.

“I never said you weren’t feeling it, just that it wasn’t true,” I emphasized, trying to get Grace to understand. “It’s okay to divide your attention on multiple things; you don’t have to sacrifice one for the other.” This was the hardest point to get across to Grace, and she never was fully convinced no matter how much I tell her. It was something that I don’t think Grace will ever understand, but I had to be the one to remind her that there was a time and place for everything; it didn’t mean that she had to separate the things she loved with the things that she enjoyed.

Grace let out a deep breath before she spoke. “I don’t want Maki growing up only having limited access to me. I want her to grow up knowing that I did everything I could to be her mom.”

“She will—”

“How do you know for sure, Jamie?” Grace asked, seeming impatient with me now. I looked at her, trying to really understand what Grace was asking me. Up to this point, I felt like I was telling Grace the things she wanted to hear; the things that eased her anxiety for the sake of getting her out of her mental spiraling. But, I started to realize that they never really go away; they just come back stronger. Maybe telling her the truth will finally make her realize that the answers she wants to her questions don’t really exist.

“I don’t,” I started to say. “And we may never know, and that’s okay.” Grace practically went into a cardiac arrest.

“Do you hear yourself?!”

“We are never going to have the answers to everything, Grace; that just comes with parenthood. We can only do our best to make sure that our kids grow up feeling loved and supported. Maki is going to feel that, because she has two parents that will make sure that she is loved.”

Grace’s eyes were lured onto mine, and the silence began to make me nervous. Did I say the wrong thing? Did I just create a whole new worry for Grace to obsess over? Did I just mess up everything we’ve worked on?

There was a sudden knock on the office door before it slightly opened. It was Tatiana, poking her head in facing us.

“The show starts in 5 minutes,” she said. Grace nodded her head as Tatiana closed the door. She looked back at me. I gave her a reassuring smile; the one that let her know that everything was going to be okay. We were going to be okay.

“Go out there and be the amazing dancer you are, jagiya,” I said to Grace before walking towards the office door. I immediately feel Grace’s arms wrap around my waist. I quickly turned around to face her again.

“I love you,” Grace simply said, looking up at me. I gently kissed her forehead.

“I love you too,” I answered back, opening the office door for Grace. She let out a deep breath before walking out the door. I couldn’t help but smile.

It was the first time that I was spending the night alone in the apartment with Maki. It was also the first night that Maki didn’t cry out for Grace; it was like she could sense that her mom wasn’t coming back home tonight. Aigoo, no kid should be able to sense that.

I sat in the living room with Maki in my arms, bottle-feeding her before putting her down for the night. I can’t help but think this was Grace’s favorite time of day; she would normally be the one sitting in this exact chair, feeding Maki as she stared intently at her. In a way, I can see why it was her favorite time of day. There was something about Maki calmly sucking the nipple of the bottle while looking up with sleepy eyes that made me feel calm sitting here. My mind was racing a mile a minute, but something about Maki made time slow down just a little.

Grace left the tasting shortly after our argument. For once, I didn’t feel the need to stop her, or beg for her to listen to me when she didn’t want to. I love Grace, but there are things about her that I personally can’t stand that she does; one of them being her running away when the discussion starts becoming too real for her.

I sighed as I slowly rocked Maki in my arms. “Maki-ya,” I softly said, looking down at her. “What am I going to do with your eomma?” Maki cooed loudly as if she was answering me back. I couldn’t help but smile at her. These were the moments I dreamt of when Maki came into the picture. I just wish that Grace was here experiencing them with me.

Maki looked up at me with her big, brown eyes. I wiped her mouth with her bib, cleaning her face of milk residue from the bottle. “Jalhaesseo; good job!” She smiled as she moved around in my arms. I wonder what were the thoughts going through her head right now.

“I know you’re too young to understand me,” I began to say out loud, as if Maki was old enough to listen to me. “But thank you for being such a good girl tonight. I know you prefer eomma than appa, but–” Before I could continue with my train of thought, Maki coos loudly. I looked down, hoping it wasn’t the beginning stage of her crying out for Grace. Not tonight, aegi-ya.

To my surprise, she just lays there, looking up at me like I’m the most fascinating thing she’s seen today. It made me smile. “You like looking at appa?” She smiled with a little extra spit coming out of her toothless mouth. Nae ma-eum. My heart.

I smiled, then quickly went deep into thought. “I wish eomma was here with us tonight. And Willow-unnie; all she does is talk about you whenever we pick her up from Uncle Max and Aunt Mariam’s house. You’re lucky to have Willow as your big sister…you’re lucky to have Grace as your eomma. You know how much she loves you? Sometimes too much…”

Maki begins getting a little fussy in my arms, which begins to worry me. “Ya, Maki,” I said as I got up, standing now with her in my arms. I bounce in place, hoping that it helps calm her down. “I see eomma doing this when you start getting a little too tired.” Maki begins to calm down a bit, her face wet with her little tears. I took my thumb and wiped away her tears. “It’s okay…”

“It’s okay,” I said to Grace, wiping the tears off her cheeks with my thumbs. “This isn’t the end of our story, jagiya.” We stood outside of the academy; the one that Grace ran since the production ended in Ulsan a few weeks ago. She smiled before stepping back, wiping her own tears now with the sleeve of her jacket.

“How do you know for sure?” she asked.

“Because we have so much life left to live,” I smiled as I tell her. “We still have to get married and have kids one day.” Grace laughed, all while tears fell down her face.

“But you’re leaving,” Grace mentioned; her face looking sullen. “Like going back home type of leaving.” This would be the first time in years that I was going back to Korea while being in a relationship with Grace. I was simply going back to gather a couple of things from my old place. Still, Grace was nervous. I couldn’t blame her for thinking otherwise if all she knows about me leaving out of New York was the potential of never getting to see me again.

“But I’m coming back,” I reassured her. “All I’m doing is cleaning the last of my apartment, and then I’m on the first flight back to America.”

“You promise? You’re not just saying that just to make me feel better, right?” Grace asked. She looked up at me with tears filled in her eyes as they slowly drop down her face. It broke my heart seeing her not believe in my words this time.

“I promise,” I said as I kissed her forehead. I looked down at her and smiled. “You’re stuck with me for life.”

…

The doorbell rang and rang for multiple minutes, which made me run from off of the couch and toward the door, answering it immediately. I was shocked to see who was at the door.

“Skylar?”

“Where is she?!” Skylar demanded, entering the apartment. “Where the hell is she?”

“Shhh,” I quickly said to Skylar. “Maki is sleeping in the other room–“

“Did Grace come back here?” Skylar interrupted me to ask.

“What?”

“Did she come back home?” she asked, now emphasizing her question. I was confused already, and I felt my heart already coming out of my body.

“No, she hasn’t been home all day; she said she was going to her parent’s house–“

“Yeah well she never made it over there,” Skylar spat out, ripping the bandage off from the situation. “No one has been able to get in contact with her.” My heart immediately suck to the pit of my stomach, and the initial wave of anxiety is now full-blown panic as the seconds pass. I couldn’t think straight, I couldn’t see straight.

“Jamie–“

“I haven’t spoken to Grace since the tasting,” I admitted, hating that her family was about to become involved in our business.

“That was last night,” Skylar pointed out. “What the hell happened last night?”

“Nothing,” I quickly dismissed. “Grace and I had a disagreement and she insisted she would stay with her parents to cool off.”

“This is Grace for fuck’s sake! She doesn’t know the meaning of ‘cooling down’!” Skylar shouted out. At this time, I could hear Maki cry in her room, which made Sky hold her mouth tightly, forgetting that Maki was even here to begin with. “Fuck–“

“Ya” I simply replied, powerwalking to Maki’s room to get her. I walked out back to the common area where Sky was; this time holding a distressed Maki in my arms.

“I am so so sorry,” Skylar said as she facepalmed herself.

“Did you try Bernie’s on Madison? The cafe?” I asked while trying to get Maki to stop crying.

“Shawn had mentioned that was you guys’ place, but the owner said he hadn’t seem Grace there all day.” Aigoo. I looked down at Maki as she cried, simply too tired to be awake and Grace nowhere near to comfort her. For the slightest moment, I think about handing Maki over to Skylar. Jaemin, aniya. You are her father; act like her father.

“Maki-ya,” I said, rocking her in my arms. Maki couldn’t stop crying, and I was growing anxious as time passed. “It’s okay–“

“God, what if something bad happened to her?” Skylar nervously said. “What if she’s at some bar now drinking and breaking her sobriety–“

“Skylar,” I sternly said, looking at her. I wasn’t about to have her talk bad about Grace, especially after all that she’s been through these last couple of years. “Have some faith in Grace, will you?” Skylar doesn’t say anything back; she simply paces back and forth in the apartment. Nervous runs in the Ashmore family. “Where’s Shawn?”

“He’s back at the house just in case Grace shows up there,” she said, finally standing in place to talk to me. She looks at Maki in a quick glance. “She wouldn’t just leave Maki behind.”

“She wouldn’t, which is why we need to calm down,” I reassured her, sitting her down on the couch. Maki continued to cry as I tried bouncing her on my lap. Skylar watched without saying anything; a rarity from her. Maki began to ease a little bit as I continued to bounce her on my lap.

“I worry about her. Growing up with Grace was tough,” Skylar began to say, looking at Maki. “She never listened to anyone. She thought she had all the right answers and even when she didn’t, she never told anyone she was struggling.”

“Grace and I…” I began to say, which immediately made Skylar look up at me now. “It’s been hard having to juggle life and Maki on top of the wedding planning and…” I sighed before continuing. “Grace has been keeping things to herself. I know she’s been struggling with everything going on.”

“I just wish she’d speak the fuck up instead of just hiding it,” Skylar commented, now seeming annoyed. “Especially now. Like, she went through so much with Willow and Max; why would she do the same things that isolated her in the first place?” Because that’s all she ever knew.

“Sky, can you do me a huge favor and stay here with Maki?” I asked. It was the last thing I wanted to do, but Grace and I promised that we would not put either Willow or Maki in the middle of our issues. “I know where to find Grace.”

“Of course,” Skylar said, holding out her arms. I transferred Maki into Skylar’s arms before leaning in to kiss her on her tiny forehead.

“Be good for Skylar-imo,” I said to Maki, smiling at her. “I’ll be back with eomma.” I looked up at Skylar before throwing on a light jacket. I grabbed my keys and ran out the front door.

…

I unlocked the front door with the key Grace had left in the try near the door. She insisted that I’d put the spare key on my set, just in case anything happened and I needed access to the academy. I walked into the space in the middle of renovation. To my surprise, one of the rooms in the back had electricity, and the light was turned on. It was a long shot, but knew that Grace was back there.

I walked towards the back door and looked through the window. There was Grace, standing in the middle of one of the studio rooms dancing to music playing on her phone. I smiled and let out a sigh of relief. If there was one thing I knew about Grace, it would be that she would always find a way back to her roots. She would find a way to be the little girl in Virginia again that had no worries besides dancing.

I knocked on the door, which did startle Grace at first. She jumped up and looked at the window. She exhaled, walking toward the studio door to unlock it.

“Jamie,” Grace said as she opened the door. “Where’s–“

“She’s back at the house with Skylar,” I immediately answered. “We promised to keep her out of this.” Grace didn’t fight back; she knew who I was talking to. “Where have you been all day?”

“Here,” she answered, followed with a sigh. “I didn’t want my parents knowing we were fighting.” Aigoo, to make her think that we were fighting was heartbreaking. “I just came here to clear my mind.”

“Can we talk?” I asked, looking down at her. “We can talk here or at the cafe, or–“

“I didn’t want Maki to see me like this.” I tilted my head, confused at her statement.

“See you like what?”

“Stressed. Upset. Broken,” Grace began naming things out. “She looks up to me whenever she cries. She looks at me and just…feels like I’m one of the safest places in the world.”

“That’s because you are,” I said, sympathizing with her. Grace didn’t give herself enough credit; she was an amazing mom to Willow and Maki, an amazing dancer to many, and an amazing person to me.

“But I’m not,” she argued back. “I’ve tried so hard to not become the things I fear the most, but ultimately ended up becoming that exact person–“

“You have to give yourself some grace,” I commented back. “You have to remember that you are also all new to this too. We both are new to this.”

“But you’re not spiraling out of control, or just living just to survive–“

“Who says?” I interrupted. “Just because you don’t see it, it doesn’t mean that it’s not happening.” Grace looked up at me with watery eyes. She shook out her hands, as if she was trying to release the tension from her body.

“Does that make me a bad person? Not being able to see it?” Grace asked with a shaky breath. I could see just how much of our interaction at the tasting triggered some of the issues she found herself struggling with. I could finally see just how much doubt Grace carried since Maki was born. I could finally see the things that I wasn’t able to see before, and deep down I hate that it took us this long to finally say something to each other.

“No,” I simply answered, trying to reassure her. She didn’t say anything after that, but I could see the bit of relief releasing from her body. I hate that she does that; her response being monitored by the way I react.

“Is Sky losing her mind looking after Maki?” she finally asked. I smiled back.

“I’m telling you, jagiya, Shawn is just waiting for Sky to give him the green light towards Babyville.” Grace laughed, rolling her eyes playfully. I felt a sense of relief coming out of my body; the tension leaving along with it.

Grace sighed before she said anything. “Can we go home and spend the rest of the night with Maki?” She asked.

“Of course,” I answered with a smile.

…

I opened the front door of the apartment and immediately see Skylar laid out on our couch. Grace was the first to walk into the apartment to check on her.

“Sky?” Grace said, looking down at the couch. Skylar sat up from the couch, rubbing her face with the palm of her hands.

“Grace?” Skylar said in a groggy voice. She turned her head and looked up at Grace, slapping her on her arm.

“Ouch!” Grace said, holding the place she got hit at. “The hell was that for?”

“You need to stop running away from your damn issues and work them out with Jamie!” Skylar shouted in a whisper. “You’re so lucky Maki is sleeping in the other room or else I would’ve ripped you a new one.” She looked at me next. “You gotta stop being a wuss with Grace and give her a taste of her own medicine. You two are going to send me to an early grave.” She got up from the couch and walked to the chair where her things were.

“Was Maki okay while we were gone?” I asked, hoping to change the subject. She turned around and gave us the look. Aigoo. “I guess she–“

“She totally knows that she’s super cute and gets everything she wants; she just likes to test to see how far people’s love is for her,” Skylar put on her jacket and turned around to finally face us. “Definitely Grace’s kid.” Grace rolled her eyes as she walked her to the front door.

“Thanks for watching her,” Grace said to Skylar. She turned around to look at Grace; her demeanor completely changed.

“Of course; she’s my niece,” Skylar answered as she smiled at Grace. Thankfully, the two of them hug it out as they said their goodbyes.

I remember sitting down with Kevin during Shawn’s wedding reception. Grace was on the dance floor with her family, dancing with Skylar as their family surrounded them. Shawn was sitting at the table his family sat at with a huge smile on his face.

Kevin looked up as I sat in the seat next to him, watching the families dance along to the music the DJ is playing.

“Hyung,” Kevin greeted me. “I’m shocked to not see you disco dancing on the dance floor.”

“Ha, ha,” I deadpanned, laughing afterwards. “Grace is the dancer in this duo. Speaking of duo, where’s JooAh?”

“She’s catching up with one of Shawn’s cousins; apparently they went to college together and didn’t realize it,” Kevin explained. “I’m just ready for the desserts to come out already.”

“Kevin with a sweet tooth? Who even are you?” I teased as Kevin rolled his eyes. “Shawn and Skylar really outdid themselves with this wedding though. It’s very–“

“Expensive?” Kevin concluded. “I don’t get how they were able to pull all of this off in a year; JooAh and I got married months before we had the wedding–“

“Wait, what?” I interrupted, not knowing this prior knowledge. “You and JooAh were already married?”

“Legally, yes; to friends and family, no.” This was news to me, considering that both JooAh and Kevin were your typical Korean couple and did things as according. “JooAh and I wanted to be married before Yubin’s birth, so we secretly got the marriage license and had the ceremony months after Yubin was born.”

“Ya,” I reacted, leaning against the back of my chair. “Was it just too much to do everything at once?”

Kevin nodded his head. “Too much.” His stare lingered on too long for my liking, which meant he had something else to say. “Are you and Grace–“

“Ya,” I simply said. “I already had to deal with Shawn and his nonsense last night, I would like to not have to deal with yours now.”

“It’s just a simple question, hyung,” Kevin shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly. “You do plan on getting married, right?”

“I’m going to tell you what I told Shawn,” I began to say, taking a deep breath. “Grace and I have a lot on our plate right now. I don’t want to stress her out with more things while she’s pregnant.”

“That’s nice of you; give her a break all while being half the reason she’s pregnant in the first place.” I looked at Kevin, not used to him being so informal and direct with me like this. For a second, I felt like Shawn sitting in this seat. “I’m just saying, hyung, you don’t want to wait too long to propose and get married. Before you know it, Grace is going to have the baby and your whole life changes.”

I knew Kevin was right. I knew that the best case scenario was to get married before the baby comes in June, but I know Grace better. I know that this alone was a lot for Grace to deal with, and I didn’t want to have to rush her to make huge decisions all at once. I also knew that I was buying time because I was simply not ready, especially with fatherhood on the way.

“So you’re telling me just skip the whole wedding part and just get married at city hall?” I slightly teased. Kevin didn’t catch on to the sarcasm.

“You do plan on marrying her, right? Or do Americans do things differently these days,” Kevin spat back. Now I wasn’t the one amused with his sarcasm. He sighed before he continued. “Hyung, it’s not a matter of if you’re going to marry Grace–I already know you are–but you also don’t want to wait too long to do it. Time flies when we think we have enough of it.”

“Okay, Confucius,” I dismissed, looking toward the dance floor. I watch Grace as she sings out loud with Skylar, enjoying the night away. There was no question that Grace was the one. I knew that no matter how much time it took, Grace and I would be together; married and with a family of our own. But thinking that far ahead meant that things actually needed to happen, and the more I thought about it, the more I actually felt like time was slipping away from me. Before I knew it, Grace and I were going through exactly what Kevin had warned me about.

…

The first couple of months have felt like a complete blur for both Grace and I. Our day-by-day looked completely different since Maki came along; what was once a life between Grace and me was now completely engulfed by our daughter. On the days that we were able to squeeze time for anything else–like wedding planning–Grace seemed to be mentally occupied by Maki and became anxious when she was separated from her for a moment of time. Because of thaty, any wedding planning was either postponed, or any important appointments we had were only accompanied by me.

Not only was time not on our side, but now our families have been asking us more and more questions about the wedding, hoping to get more details about the special day.

“Grace, we taking you to the bridal shop to get your dress this weekend,” Skylar nonchalantly said as she picked up another dumpling. Shawn and Skylar had forced themselves into our busy schedule one night for dinner; they considered it “their treat” even though they decided to have it at our place.

Grace looked at her cousin before speaking, seeming confused. “That came out of nowhere,” Grace commented, looking at me now. 

“Maybe you’ll listen to Jamie if I bring it up in front of him,” Skylar spat back. She turned her direction to me. “You have to stop letting Grace get away from doing things for the wedding.” I grabbed the back of my neck nervously, not knowing what to say. 

“I understand, but we’ve been so busy with Maki—”

“We will watch Maki while you guys do some wedding things,” Shawn confidently said. I can already the heat rising up in Grace’s body.

“Absolutely not!” Grace finally spat out, looking at her cousin now. “Maki is only a few months old, she’s not ready to be away from her parents—“

“She’s 4 months old, Grace; my dad was letting grandma babysit me way before that.”

“That explains a lot,” Grace mumbled to herself, only being audible to me. 

“Ya,” I scolded her, not approving of her comment. “It’s just been hard do wedding planning in the midst of taking care of a new baby.” It’s been hard for Grace to do wedding planning in the midst of taking care of Maki.

“And I get that, but Grace is not about to leave it to the last minute and turn into a bridezilla.” Sky intervened.

“Takes one to know one, huh?” Grace spat out as Skylar gasped, ready to attack. Shawn holds her back as I try to get Grace’s attention.

“You have to understand we’re parents trying to plan a wedding. I do agree; there are some things that we both could start planning now—“

“Jamie,” Grace whined.

“But understand we are trying our best to balance everything out.” Skylar’s face softened, which prompted Shawn to let out a deep sigh of relief. I looked over to Grace, seeming to be on the same page as me. 

I looked back at Skylar and Shawn. “We are open to letting you guys babysit Maki while Grace and I handle wedding business under a few conditions. You guys will babysit her here, and that you follow our instructions.”

“Hyung,” Shawn began to say. I shook my head, not taking any questions or comments about this. 

“Is that a deal?” I said to him and Skylar. Skylar rolled her eyes as she huffed and puffed, looking at Grace and I.

“Deal.” She spat out. “I just want to finally go and experience Grace’s moment when she finds her dress.” Grace sympathized with her, and walked over to Skylar. 

“And we will,” Grace reassured her cousin. It was definitely a role I’m not use to Grace playing. It was more maternal than I expected. Perhaps Maki is rubbing off on her more than I anticipated.

I looked over at Grace, smiling at her.

…

There were rows upon rows of different wedding cake flavors at this shop. Every type of cake and icing and frosting was at this place. The salesperson had said the last 2 sample platters he served us over said that every slice had ‘the perfect palette for a wedding.’

The salesperson left the next sample platters on the table in front of us. Grace was leaning her head on her hand, looking absolutely disgusted by cake. 

“If I have to taste another piece of cake, I’m going to lose it,” Grace said as she put her fork down. “This is useless.”

“This has to get done, jagiya,” I said, picking at the slice in from of me. “Remember, you’re the one that booked this tasting.”

“I booked it when I was pregnant with Maki, craving nothing but dessert foods,” Grace pleaded. “I wonder if Maki’s okay with Sky and Shawn; I should call them—“

“Ya,” I scolded her. “We promised your cousin that we would do this. The least we can do is pick the cake.” The salesperson approached us with a smile on his face and another small platter of other cake slices.

“This is the last of the catalog,” he said, placing the platter down on the table. “Once you’ve made a decision, you can kindly submit the order on one of our tablets and pay the deposit up at the counter.” I smiled at the salesperson politely; that smile quickly vanished once he left Grace and I to ourselves.

“What if Maki gives Sky and Shawn a hard time? She can be quite fussy,” Grace asked, taking a bite of one of the slices. She made a disgusted face, placing the fork down back on the plate. “What if Sky is losing her mind–“

“She would’ve called us, jagiya,” I replied back, trying to reassure her. “Everything is fine, and everything is going to be fine.” I tried to convince Grace that everything was going to be alright while also trying to believe that everything is going alright back at the house. Grace had been right to think those things, but I had to put faith in Maki’s godparents… Aigoo.

“Do you really believe that?” Grace asked with a deadpanned look on her face. She was getting better in ‘reading me’; her words exactly. When I hesitated to answer, she ultimately sighed. “Maybe planning a wedding isn’t right for us at this time. We have so many other things to do—”

“We can’t keep pushing these things aside just because Maki’s here now,” I sternly said to Grace. Just how Grace is able to ‘read me’, I’m novels into knowing Grace. I don’t tell her this upfront, but I know when she’s trying to stall on things. Grace has a way to make it seem like something else needed more of her attention, and I didn’t like she was using Maki as her excuse.

“You sound like Sky now,” Grace commented, clearly upset now. “Am I the only one that cares about taking care of Maki?”

“What?” I questioned, getting visibly annoyed with her now. I could immediately tell Grace regretted what she said, but it was already said out loud, and it makes me furious. “Are you trying to say I don’t care enough about Maki because I believe we need to start making decisions for the wedding?”

“I didn’t say that—”

“You didn’t say those exact words, but what your words did say was just that,” I spat back, taking control of the conversation now. “This isn’t a competition, Grace.” I knew I should’ve worded my words differently, considering the reaction Grace had afterwards. She was pissed off.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Grace calmly asked, her brows scrunched together. I looked at Grace, fearing that we were going to walk out of this cake tasting without a wedding to even have this cake for. A lot of people in Grace’s life have been afraid of telling her the truth when she’s wrong about something. I promised myself and to her that this relationship would not be us walking on eggshells with one another. We spent the majority of our late 20s playing those games with each other.

“You’re not treating me as your equal,” I spat out, looking directly at her. “You’re treating me more like Maki’s babysitter and not like her father.”

Grace shook her head, taking in the thought. “You’re being ridiculous, where the hell is this even coming from—”

“Grace.” I looked at her, hoping that she would understand where I was coming from. It hasn’t been the easiest couple of months for the both of us. In a sense, I felt guilty to think that things between Grace and I changed when Maki came into the picture. I understand though; Maki has become such a pivotal part of our lives, but I couldn’t help but feel that Grace and I have become distant since she was born. I couldn’t help but feel like Grace was slipping away from me. I couldn’t help but feel like she didn’t want to get married.

“Are you fucking being for real right now?” She said, raising her voice.

“So fucking for real,” I mimicked back, not realizing in doing so opened a can of worms I was not ready to tackle. Grace grabbed her sweater and purse from the back of her chair and quickly put it on. “Grace—”

“If you think raising our daughter is some sort of competition for you, then maybe I chose the wrong man to have her with.” That, more than anything else she has said to me out of anger, stung the most. She knew how much that would hurt and she said it anyway just to prove a point.

I stood up from my seat, hovering over Grace now across the table. I couldn’t look away from her, and I could see that it started to make Grace uncomfortable.

“Tell me how you really feel.”

“Tell me how you really feel—”

“Ya,” I said over her, completely shutting her down. “We are literally a couple of months away from what would be our wedding date. All we had to do was focus and pick one of the 500 flavors for our goddamn wedding cake. All we needed to do was check some things off our list for our wedding. Not just mine; ours.”

“Jam—”

“I’m not finished,” I scolded her, never taking my eyes off of her. “Instead, you decided to make this about which parent cares more about Maki. You know how much I love you and the girls. You know how much I love Maki, and you still would say what you said.” I could see Grace’s face getting more white and her ears more red than ever.

“You called it a competition—”

“After you said you’re the only one that cares about her,” I spat back.

“Because it feels like that!” Grace finally confessed nearly in tears. “For God’s sake Jamie, you can’t even hold her for more than 5 seconds when she’s crying in your arms—”

“That doesn’t mean I don’t love her, Grace!” I shouted out loud. Grace flinched at the volume of my voice while still trying to stay composed. “You were once a first-time parent; did you have all the right answers? No! Because you had to learn what the right answers are through experience!”

“I’m not doing this again,” Grace almost cried out. “I am not about to sit here and have my daughter’s father tell me what I feel isn’t valid.” Her daughter. “I already had to hear it from Max for the first couple of years with Willow, and I’m not about to have you do the same with Maki.”

“Our daughter,” I corrected her.

“What?”

“Our daughter, Grace; Maki is our daughter.” I looked at her, never taking my eyes off of her. I couldn’t help but take a moment to really look at Grace.

These first couple of months being a father haven’t been the easiest. For someone as composed and organized, Maki had turned my entire world upside down. I was not living just for me anymore; I was now living for a tiny human being that I had unconditionally loved since the very first day we found out about her. It wasn’t just about Grace and I anymore; it was now about raising our daughter alongside Willow, something that the both of us have not navigated together before. I had saw hope in us. I thought Grace would’ve changed after everything she went through as a mother, everything that we both went through together. Now, I really didn’t know the woman I was talking to. This wasn’t the Grace I fell in love with all those years ago. This isn’t the woman that carried our daughter for 9 months, the woman I proposed to back at the pier. The woman I came back to New York for.

“Maybe planning a wedding is something too serious for us to do right now,” Grace simply responded, fidgeting with her fingers. She grabbed her jacket from the chair and began to walk away from the table.

“Grace—”

“I’m going to my parents’ house for the night,” she simply said to me. “I need…time.” I looked at Grace, all while feeling the empty pit in my stomach.

“Take all the time you need, Grace.” She didn’t say anything back to me; she simply turned away and began walking to the exit. At that moment, I didn’t care about the amount of time she needed to figure things out. I didn’t care if we’d ever get married at this point.

Returning back to work had been the hardest part in this newfound journey of raising Maki. For months, I tiredly go into her room when she cried in the middle of the night to help ease her and didn’t have to worry about needing to get up for work in the morning.

The day finally came when I was now called to go back to work, starting a new semester at the university I taught part-time at, in addition to still being at the firm.

Grace straightened out my tie in the bedroom, making sure every piece of clothing was in perfect place, smiling as she reached for my glasses and placed them on me.

“Gosh, I forgot how you look like in business attire,” Grace smiled as she teased me. I rolled my eyes playfully, kissing her on the forehead.

“Maki has me embracing dad-wear,” I responded.

“Dad wear?”

“T-shirts and khaki shorts,” I answered. “Anything that Maki can make a mess on and I don’t care much for.”

“Oh, that’s a must,” Grace agreed, walking back to the closet and browsed the many blazers I had in there. “Speaking of Maki; remember that we have–“

“Her doctor’s appointment at 1; I know,” I finished her sentence. Grace has got into this habit of reminding me of things that solely involved Maki. I will admit that there have been things that slipped my memory, but it feels like since then, Grace has given me “friendly reminders” of only Maki-related things.

Grace let out a deep, nervous breath. “I’m nervous for her.”

“Mwo? She’s going to be just fine,” I continued to reassure her, something I found myself doing a lot more these days. Of course as soon as I said that, Maki can be heard in the other room crying. “I’ll go–“

“No, I got her!” Grace quickly jumped up and ran out of our bedroom. I turned around and leaned on the doorframe, watching Grace pick up Maki from her rocker.

“Maki girl,” Grace cooed at her, slightly bouncing her in her arms. “Mama’s here.” I watched Grace completely become engulfed in Maki. At first, I saw it as a sweet gesture. After everything she’s been through in life, I was happy to see Grace do everything she promised herself she’d do. I could see the growth in her, but a part of me always worried about how far she’d take things. I love Grace, but I know just how much she is capable of doing.

Grace looked back at me with Maki in her arms. “Doesn’t your appa look handsome in his suit?” Maki cooed, which absolutely melted my heart. I couldn’t be upset at Grace for being so attached to our daughter; things could be extremely different knowing Grace. I smiled back at my girls, walking up to Grace as I kissed her.

“Call me if anything,” I said, looking down at her. I looked over at Maki, getting ready to pick her up from Grace. Immediately, I can feel Grace holding her tighter in her arms. I don’t say anything about it, but it annoyed me when she’d do that. It just made me feel like I wasn’t going to hold her properly, so she completely avoids handing her off.

“Maki-ya, be a good girl for eomma today,” I smiled as I said. Maki cooed in response. I slowly started walking towards the front door, dreading going back to work.

…

After writing on the chalkboard, I turned around to face the class; chalk covering the surface of both my hands.

“So those two court transcripts are to be read by next class,” I began to say as the bell rang. The students began to pack their things, and I spoke over them for important announcements. “You also have your proposals due in two weeks, so please make sure you are also actively working on them.” Many of the students walked out of the classroom, with a few of them slowly walking out with others. I placed my books back in my bag, feeling absolutely exhausted from the day already.

One student in the back begins to put his things in his bag while speaking on his cellphone. He was a younger man, most likely in his mid-20s considering the features on his face. I look up quickly before I turned around to clean the chalkboard.

“Babe, I have class later tonight… I can’t miss it again; I already missed the first meeting last week…I know, I know but,” the guy sighed looking at the screen before placing the phone back near his ear. “Angie, I can’t watch CeCe tonight, you knew this already–Ang…” I turned around and finally looked at the young man, leaning against the table he sat at during the lecture. “I’ll see what I can do.”

Before the student noticed me looking at him, I went ahead and gathered my stuff, waiting for him to leave the classroom to lock up. He didn’t seem to be moving from the desk.

“I’m sorry sir,” I begin to say to the student. He looked up at me, anxiously walking towards the front of the classroom. “I just have to lock up for the day–“

“Of course,” he finally said, holding the strap of his bookbag. “Professor Kim… I’m… going to have to withdraw from your class.”

“Is my class that bad?” I sarcastically said, trying to lighten up the mood. Clearly, he didn’t get it the sarcasm. I cleared my throat before I spoke again. “Is there a particular reason why?”

“I just… have a lot going on right now and would rather take this class when I can,” he simply said. I nodded my head, understanding where he was coming from. He smiled tightly as he walked away and out of the classroom. I hated that someone so young had to make such a decision like that. To know that your family is counting on you to be around all while trying to work on your academics and work towards your career. No one that young should have to sacrifice their education for–

The sound of my cellphone breaks my train of thought. I looked at the screen, noticing it was an alarm. “Aigoo, Maki’s appointment–” I grabbed my things and immediately raced out of the classroom.

…

It was later in the day when Grace and I got back to the apartment. Grace opened the front door as I carried Maki in the portable car seat.

“I’m glad everything worked out fine,” I said as I unbuckled Maki from the seat. Before I can even lift her up, she started crying. Grace immediately turned her head around, walking towards the both of us.

“Aww, Maki,” she said, taking Maki in her arms. “Mama’s here.” I watched her walk into Maki’s room without even acknowledging me standing there. I walked towards Maki’s room to see Grace rocking her in her arms, sitting on the rocking chair.

“Is she okay?” I asked. I knew she was okay, I just didn’t know what else to say to Grace.

Grace nodded her head. “She was just tired of having to sit in that seat all day.” She looked up and smiled at me. I couldn’t help but smile back. This is all that she ever wanted. “Oh, I need to talk to you about the academy-“

“Mwo? Is everything okay?” I asked once more, seeming a little worried.

“Yeah,” she answered, placing a sleepy Maki back into her crib. We quietly both left her room and took the conversation to the living room area. “I had gotten the permits to finally for the reconstruction of the space, but the day that they’re coming in to do the panels in the studio is the same day you have work.”

“Can your parents watch her?” I asked. Grace widened her eyes, looking at me I was some mad man. “What?”

“She can’t stay with them for an entire day, Jamie.”

“Why not?” Grace stared me down, seeming more annoyed with every question I had asked. All she did was sigh before pulling her hair back in a ponytail.

“I don’t want them to have her for the entire day–“

“Then how about Shawn and Skylar?”

“Even worse!” Grace shouted back. “Jamie, all I’m asking is that you watch her for the day while I take care of this.” I was now staring Grace down, now annoyed with this conversation.

“Jagiya, I work–“

“Your daughter is more important,” she spat back. Not only was I now annoyed, but I was getting angry. “Seriously, missing one day of work isn’t going to hurt.”

“I teach a 4-hour lecture once a week. If I miss one day of work, my students are missing one week of their work. I could watch Maki any other day besides that day; does the paneling have to happen on that specific day?”

“Yes, Jamie!” I could hear the anxiety travel in Grace’s tone. I know how much this meant to Grace; everything regarding the new space for the academy was finally getting into place, and I know Grace desperately wanted to get things done in hopes to be open by the Fall. But, what I didn’t appreciate was that she was telling me that Maki was more important than my career. Was I even talking to the same woman I met back at the cafe all those years ago?

“Then reschedule it, or pick a person to watch her while you’re at the academy,” I said firmly. Grace shook her head, getting up from the couch to walk away from me and this conversation. “Grace–“

“It’s fine; I’ll take her to the studio with me,” Grace dismissingly concluded.

“neo michyeosseo? Are you crazy?!” I shouted at her. Grace bit her inner lip, knowing that wasn’t happening. “I don’t see what’s the big issue with someone watching her for us—”

“Because she’s not ready to do that,” Grace argued back.

“No, you aren’t.” She looked at me; her eyes darted mine. “I’m sorry, but you needed to hear that—”

“I’m going to Sky’s,” Grace calmly said, walking away from me. I sighed, knowing that this conversation was now over.

“Grace—” I began to say as she started to walk towards Maki’s room. “Grace?” Grace is hovering over the crib, attempting to pick Maki up. “Ani-ya!” In an attempt to stop Grace from waking up Maki, I accidentally was the one that woke her.

Maki began to cry, and it was about time I took control of the situation. I was the one to pick her up from the crib, cradling her in my arms.

“Maki-ya, mianhae,” I calmly said, trying to ease the tension in the room. I know life with Grace wasn’t going to always be good times. Loving Grace meant I rode every wave she created, but I refuse to let Maki see her parents arguing with each other. I could tell Grace didn’t want that either. She’s actually letting me settle Maki.

Maki began to calm down; her face moist from her tears. I took my thumb and wiped away her tears. The first of many tears to come. I smiled down at her as she looked up at me.

“My girl,” I said in a low voice. I turned around and saw Grace still standing there, looking at me. I sighed and sat in the rocking chair with Maki still cooing in my arms.

Grace sighed as she sat across from me on the ottoman. Her eyes were glued onto our daughter. “I’m sorry,” she finally said. “I never want Maki to see us fight.”

“I know, jagiya,” I calmly said. I looked at Grace and I can tell her mind was racing with infinite thoughts. “I’m sorry too. It should never get to Maki—”

“I’ve just been on edge,” Grace began to explain. I listened, giving her my undivided attention. “I’ve just been trying to juggle everything on top of taking care of Maki.”

“You don’t have to do it alone though,” I reassured her. Grace didn’t seem convinced, and I understand why. I understand her way of thinking is very black-and-white. I understand that her past has her nervous system on high-alert this time around. I understand how one night she was with Willow, and the next she wasn’t. “We don’t have to do it alone.” For once, I felt like I was finally getting control of the situation. I felt like I was not only being Grace’s partner, but Maki’s fath–

“Oh!” Grace reached out for Maki once she started crying out for her. Maki’s arms were reaching for Grace, wanting to be held by her mother. Grace placed Maki in her arms, rocking her as she calmed down. Just when I thought I was finally getting over this hill with Maki.

Grace looked up at me, and I instantly fixed my face. I didn’t want her visibly see me upset that Maki couldn’t stay with me for more than 5 minutes. I immediately smiled, just happy that Grace and I aren’t fighting in front of her.

“We can have my dad watch her,” Grace finally compromised, looking down at Maki cooing. “I guess his retirement consists of having tons of time with Maki.”

I smiled at her comment. “You know he wouldn’t mind.”

The rest of night was spent with Grace and I sitting at our kitchen table, checking things off our various to-do lists. Grace wore her hair up in an bun, which would flop forward every time she looked down at the table and wrote. One pile of her papers were strictly just studio-related things. Tons of permits and stamps on numerous of papers, all while next to the pile of wedding-related things we have yet to do. I looked at Grace as she worked, admiring how she’s able to handle all of this on top of Maki.

There are some days that juggling everything feels impossible. Some nights it feels like my head can’t keep up with the numerous things that have to get done, all while still being there for Grace and Maki. To some extent, I felt like I was failing them both, and that guilt sometimes would keep me up late at night, wondering if I was even cut out to manage everything that’s been thrown at me.

“Jamie?” Grace said, looking at me. “Everything alright?”

I looked at her and smiled. I didn’t know what else to do or say without saying the absolute truth. “No, actually. I constantly feel like I am failing my family because everything is beginning to feel overwhelming. I feel like I am drowning sometimes. I feel–

“Of course, jagiya,” I said with a smile on my face. She smiled back before she continued with what she was working on. Aigoo.

The first month after Maki was born felt something between one week and one year long.

Maki has such an addicting personality; she really takes after Grace. Her face says exactly what she wants to say and is super unapologetic for doing so. Maki was also a very calm baby throughout the day. She rarely cries, and if she does it’s because she wants Grace. The way that Maki always wanted Grace made me realize that Maki might just be a mama’s girl. I can’t lie, it sort of makes me really jealous of Grace.

While Maki has been the perfect baby during the day hours, she shows her true colors when the moon comes out, like a werewolf. 

I can just make out Maki’s cry over the baby monitor. When I hear her continued cry, I looked over at Grace, barely awake.

“Jagiya, it’s your turn,” I sleepy said. “Jagiya?” I opened my eyes when I didn’t hear Grace respond, and finally see why; Grace is passed out from exhaustion. I did feel bad for her; she has her hands busy all while still recovering from giving birth. I began to get out of bed, lowering the baby monitor before getting up to walk out our bedroom.

“Maki-ya,” I said as I walked into Willow and Maki’s shared room. I was thankful that Willow hasn’t been with us for the past couple of days; Max and Miriam took her to England for the very first time. Willow has had a lot of firsts in her little life in the span of a month too. I walked up to Maki’s bassinet, seeing the little bean scream out. “Yeobo, sweetheart.”

To my surprise, Maki begins to look up at me, seeming to stop crying as she does. I smile down at her, trying to comfort her. Even a month into fatherhood, I still can’t believe I am sitting in a rocking chair holding my daughter in my arms. 

I take her out of the room, and walk to the kitchen with Maki still in my arms. I turned the little light on from the oven, preparing to feed Maki. I was thankful when she actually took the bottle this time after nights of Maki wanting the real thing directly from the source.

“I know it’s not eomma, but I’m happy you’re here in my arms right now.” Maki continues to drink from the bottle, seeing her eyes get droopy by the minute. I couldn’t help but be smitten at the sight. 

“jollin agiguna,” I cooed, putting her on my shoulder to her burp. I found myself speaking in Korean a lot more, specifically to Maki. I didn’t mean to do that, but to me it was the most natural thing I can do as I spoke to my first born. She was Korean-American and it was important to me she knew both English and Korean. 

I gently pat her back, helping her burp up after her meal. This burp was a loud one; she very much enjoyed her late-night snack. 

“uwa, chaghan ai,” I said to her in Korean first. “Good girl, Maki!” I took one of her balled up fists and lift it up for her victory. She wasn’t amused; in fact, she rolled her eyes at me, already acting like a mini-Grace.

“You know, eomma does that same thing you do,” I pointed out, knowing Maki was too young to actually have a conversation with me. “She rolls her eyes instead of just admitting just how funny I truly am.” Maki scrunches her face as if she was wondering what I was even saying to her. “Someday I’ll tell you my funniest of jokes; you’re going to love them.”

I walked her back to her room, watching her slowly drifting away to sleep. I placed her back into her bassinet, noticing just how tiny she looked in it. I still can’t believe you’re mine.

As I slowly closed Maki’s bedroom door, I turned around and noticed Grace standing there.

I held my chest with my hand. “Ya,” I began to say. “What are you doing snooping in the dark?”

“You did it again,” Grace commented. “Putting the alarm on high volume after hitting snooze.” Aigoo, I nearly scared Grace off the bed when it first happened. 

“Mianhae,” I said, apologizing to Grace. “You could’ve came into Maki’s room.”

“And scared you while you have her in your arms? No way,” Grace spat back, letting out a deep sigh. I could see how tired she was standing there. “Is she okay though? Did she eat what was in the bottle? Does she—“

“Jagiya,” I stopped her spiraling with a smile. “Yes, she took the bottle. She went straight to sleep.” It took some time for the worry to fade from Grace’s face. One thing I’ve noticed about Grace since Maki’s arrival was that she was way more maternal than she believed. She was truly a mama bear, overprotective of her baby cub. She was even sometimes overprotective of Maki with me. 

“You know how fussy she can be,” Grace said, walking towards the kitchen counter. She opens the fridge and takes out the regular milk and cold brew. Grace was never a cold brew coffee type of person, but she realized that a cold brew with milk was way faster than brewing a cup of coffee. It helped on the mornings that Maki was wide awake with us, wanting her eomma to hold her. 

I sat across from her on the island, watching her pour her cup of coffee and my cup. She took out the cold foam and poured into my cup; a more recent discover of my liking. Maybe I needed the sugar rush to keep up with Maki and Grace at the same time.

“So,” I began the conversation. “You just so happen to wake up after I got up for Maki.”

“I couldn’t help myself,” Grace responded, swirling her coffee in her cup. “I heard you in her room through the baby monitor. I didn’t want to disrupt you and Maki time.” 

Me and Maki time. “I was glad she was okay with me getting her.” Grace sighed as she looked at me. 

“You’re her father—“

“She prefers you, jagiya,” I said, accepting it as truth. “You’ve casted a spell on her or something.”

Grace couldn’t help but laugh, leaning in to ruffle my hair like a golden retriever. 

“She can sense that you’re nervous around her still,” Grace confessed. I shook my head, clearly caught off-guard and confused. 

“I’m not nervous around my daughter,” I scoffed, folding my arms along my chest. 

“You immediately get nervous when she cries in your arms for more than 5 seconds,” Grace emphasized. “I’m not judging you—“

“Excuse me for this being my first time,” I said, half jokingly.

“I just don’t want you to feel like she has a preference of parent. You’re just not showing her your true self just yet.” I was skeptical of Grace’s reasoning. The girl has been on this earth for a month and I’m not being myself? 

“And you think she can sense that?” I asked, playing along. Grace confidently nodded back.

“She can sense your tension. Once she feels like you’ve loosen up, she will melt in your arms.” Grace held my face with her hands, puffing up my cheeks. “She is going to love you so much, Jamie.”

…

I sat on the couch with Maki in my arms, feeding her out from the bottle. Grace was busy getting ready for a girl’s night out with her, Sky, Maurice, and Aimee. I encouraged her to go; it’s the least that Grace can do to get some time for herself.

She walked out the bedroom wearing a spaghetti-strapped satin dress with her sneakers. She anxiously looked around the kitchen as if she lost something.

She let out a deep breath. “There should be enough bottles for Maki to last her the night.”

“Got it.”

“And make sure you clean her bum with some powder; but not that chalky white one because it breaks her out.”

“Understood—”

“And—”

“jayiga,” I stopped Grace in her tracks, getting up from the couch. “Maki is going to be fine. You have nothing to worry about.” I kissed her forehead for final reassurance. “Go have fun with your friends. You deserve it.”

Grace smiled at me before kissing Maki on the top of head. “Be a good girl for appa, okay baby?” Maki cooed loudly at her mother, putting the biggest smile on Grace’s face. She looked at me one final time before leaving out the front door.

“Oh! And–“

“Ya,” I smiled as I said. Grace playfully rolled her eyes and leaned in for a kiss. She smiled at me afterwards.

“Have a good time tonight with Maki,” she finished her sentence. She walked away from the apartment as I closed the door with my free hand.

“Alright, Maki; what’s gonna be in store for us today?” I said, smiling down at her.

…

It had only been two hours, and Maki has not stopped crying for at least one of them. Toys were scattered around the apartment, and every baby gadget that we got doesn’t seem to be working.

I placed her down in her little rocker as she looked up at me with tears in her eyes. I sat across from her, finally getting off my feet for the first time tonight.

“Maki-ya,” I said as I rubbed my eyes with my hands. “museun il-ieyo? What’s wrong, sweetheart?” In this moment, I wish Maki was old enough to verbally tell me what it was that she wanted because this guessing game with her as been a complete failure.

She continues to cry as the rocker sways side to side. Thankfully, the doorbell rang just in time. I picked Maki up from the rocker and walked to the door.

“Thank god,” I reacted seeing Shawn standing there. I invited him inside, closing the door behind him. He looks at Maki as she looks at him with a wet face as she momentarily stopped crying.

“Hi, Maki!” Shawn said in his squeaky baby voice, which prompted Maki to cry once again. Shawn looked up at me, now nervous.

“She’s been crying for an hour, Shawn,” I finally explain, rocking Maki in my arms. “I don’t know what else to do.”

“Did you call Grace?” he asked. I shook my head no. “Hyung,” Shawn crossed his arms along his chest.

“I don’t want to ruin her night out. She deserves some time for herself,” I answered back, looking down at Maki. “She’s never cried for this long, Shawn; what do I do?”

“You’re asking me?” Shawn asked, shocked. He’s right about that at least. I sat on the sofa with Maki on my lap now. I tried giving her a pacifier one last time before I ditched the whole thing. Thankfully, she took it just for a couple of minutes, just enough to get myself together.

“Is this your first time looking after Maki without Grace?” Shawn asked me.

I scoffed before I said anything. “Do you know how long it took Grace to actually decide to go out tonight? She’s practically glued herself to Maki.” I reflected back on the month since bringing Maki home, noting that Grace was by Maki’s side 24/7. Maybe Maki is having some separation anxiety; I assumed it would be Grace that would.

“Maybe Maki thinks Grace isn’t coming back, kind of like a cat or dog,” Shawn said. I looked at him with a perplexed look, which made him continue on his tangent. “Like, when a pet owner leaves for a day, it’s common that they cry out for them because they think they are being abandoned.”

“Is that suppose to put me at ease?”

“Maybe it also works for babies.” Shawn really wanted to be right about this. “You just have to show her that you’re just as good as Grace.” Maki spat out the pacifier and started crying again.

“What? Are you also going to tell me that I need to be myself around her?” I asked, softly bouncing her on my leg. Shawn got up from where he was sitting, offering to hold Maki. I transferred her from my arms into his. Grace would have my head on a platter if she knew Shawn is holding Maki without her or Sky around for supervision purposes.

As soon as Shawn sets Maki in his arms, she immediately stops crying. She just looks up at Shawn as if she just wasn’t crying at the top of her lungs.

“Hi, Maki!” Shawn said. This girl has no emotion on her face. Shawn continued to smile down at her. “I don’t know if I should stop smiling or if it’s keeping her from crying.”

I couldn’t help but sit back down on the sofa, defeated. Shawn finally looked over at me.

“That’s just great. I can’t even get my own daughter to stop crying,” I said, feeling frustrated.

“Hajima,” Shawn scolded. Before I reminded him of his honorifics, he shook his head. “Don’t, especially in front of Maki.” I looked at Maki, staring intently at Shawn as he spoke.

This is the part of fatherhood that they don’t teach you. The absolute guilt you feel when everything you do still doesn’t ease your baby. The sinking feeling of your heart when they look at you and still cry. It was a sight and a feeling that I hate, and wish I could get rid of already.

“Maybe you’re taking it too serious, Hyung,” Shawn suggested.

“Too serious? To Maki, it is serious if she’s crying—”

“You just have to be yourself,” he answered back. I scoffed. Not this again. “She could probably sense your nervous energy, making her feel nervous. You know babies have a sixth sense like that.”

“I’ve taken care of my nieces just fine—”

“But this is your daughter. Half of her DNA is yours; she knows how nervous you are.” Maki makes a sudden movement in Shawn’s arms, cooing as she looked over at me. “Once you show her who you really are, she’ll be fine.” Shawn gets up from his seat, handing Maki back to me. Thank goodness she didn’t start crying… yet.

…

The couple of hours that Maki has been asleep were peaceful until they weren’t. She woke up, screaming for her bottle by the end of the night.

I walked into her room with her bottle in hand, placing it on top of the changing table as I picked her up from her bassinet.

“I know, I know,” I reassured her as I placed her in my arms. Normally, she would willingly take her bottle if Grace wasn’t around. Maybe she can sense your nervousness, Hyung. Great, now I have Shawn’s thoughts inside my own inner thoughts.

Maki cried and cried; nothing seemed to be working. I was getting this gut feeling that maybe, just maybe, she just didn’t like me. Maybe she preferred Grace over me. Aigoo, even thinking that is breaking my heart.

She’s going to love you so much: Grace’s words from earlier today make it worth at least try to help soothe our child.

“Maki-ya,” I said, sitting down in the rocking chair. I tried giving her bottle once more time before I finally caved in and called Grace. You got this, Jamie. I let out a deep breath, then looked down at Maki. “halemoni used to sing this to me as a baby; I think you’ll like it a lot.” Without seeking Maki’s reassurance, I began to sing jaljara uri aga, or “Hush Hush, our Baby”.

At first, Maki hated it. It was like she wanted to see who can scream louder at this time of night. Instead of letting her get her way, I tried to refocus her direction on me as I rocked her in my. “Maki-ya.” She looked up at me for a brief moment, locking in her big, brown eyes on me. I continued to sing softly to her: A baby more beautiful than the moon, a baby more beautiful than the stars; Hush hush our baby, our baby sleeps so well. The longer I sang to her, the more calm she became. She couldn’t stop staring up at me as her eyes slowly began to close.

“dalbodado goun aga, byul bodado bitnan aga; jajang jajang uri aga, jaldo janda uri aga,” I finished the song in Korean, seeing her finally drift to sleep in my arms. Did I get crack the code? Did I successfully look after my daughter while her mother was away? I knew I should’ve put Maki back in her bassinet as soon as she fell asleep, but I was stuck to the rocking chair, stuck to Maki for the rest of my life.

…

“Jamie?” I heard a woman’s voice, thinking it was just a dream I was having. It wasn’t until I left something on my shoulder that finally woke me up from my sleep.

“Grace?” I said in a sleepy voice. I rubbed my eyes as they opened to see Grace standing there. “Jagiya.“

“Bed’s too comfortable for you?” Grace teased as she sat down next to me. I shook my head, smirking as my response.

“Can’t sleep in our bed without the other part of our,” I teased back, finally awake and aware of everything. I quickly turned my head towards Maki’s bedroom. “She’s still sleeping, right?”

Grace nodded her head. “I peeked in there and she’s out like a light. You must’ve really tired her out, huh?”

“She almost won tonight,” I said, leaning my head back on the sofa, looking over at Grace. “But in the end, appa got through the battle cries.”

Grace shook her head as she laughed. “Yeah? What’d you do?”

“A magician never reveals his magic tricks,” I teased Grace. She rolled her eyes as she smiled at me. I couldn’t help but smile back.

Grace winced, adjusting her chest as she fed Maki. It was such a surreal moment to see; a mother feed her newborn baby with what she produced in her body. 

“Easy there, baby,” Grace adjusted Maki along her chest. Seeing Maki become milk drunk was the cutest thing ever. Seeing Grace just breast feeding Maki was a beautiful, yet surreal sight. 

“Maki likes what her eomma has,” I commented, watching Maki continue to eat. Grace and I were glad to finally have the time where we are both well rested while Maki was also awake. 

I couldn’t stop staring at Maki. “Is Willow still coming tonight with your parents?”

“They’re on their way to get her from Max’s place,” Grace answered, cleaning Maki’s face. “I told them tomorrow would be better.” I nodded my head, mind empty with nothing but Maki. Grace stares at me intently. “She already has the strings to your heart, huh?” 

“Maki-ya,” I cooed at Maki, smiling ear to ear. Maki had just finished eating as her attention immediately went into me. Her eyes were big and brown; looking at the world for the first time. She also has the chubbiest cheeks, which makes it impossible for me to not pinch them.

I leaned forward to pick her up from Grace, allowing her to tie her blouse closed and clean up after Maki. Maki was already such a good baby. 

Moments after, the nurse comes into the room with some documents on a clipboard. I let out a deep breath, knowing what this was.

“Hi, good evening; how are you feeling, mom?” The nurse walked over to Grace, checking the machines. 

“I’m alright; tired,” Grace said, leaning her head back on the bed. “Sore.” Grace gently held up her boob, showing the nurse. “She’s really been tugging at it, am I not producing enough for her?”

“Probably not as fast as she wants it,” the nurse smiled, looking at me now. “I see Dad is holding her as mom takes a break.” I rocked Maki in my arms, watching my baby girl slowly get sleepy.

The nurse walked back to the computer, entering in a couple of details. “Do we have a name for her yet, parents?” 

“We do,” Grace answered, looking at my direction. 

“Her first name is Maki. M-A-K-I,” I said out loud, looking down at the little angel. “Her last name is Kim, K-I-M.

“Maki Kim,” the doctor repeated, typing her name onto the computer. “Any middle name?”

“No, but she will have two names. One in Korean, one in English. Her Korean name is Kim Ma-ki, her English name is Maggie Maree Kim.” I looked over at Grace, who is smiling back at me. Grace had mentioned she wanted to give Maki an English, middle name.

“Maree,” she said, finally placing baby clothing in Maki’s dresser. “I just always liked the middle name ‘Maree’.”

“Maggie Maree, your room better be clean before I get up there!” I role played, imagining conversations with Maki when she gets older. Grace giggled before kissing me on the cheek.

“She’ll know I’m serious if I’m calling her by her English name,” I commented. 

“Maggie Maree Kim; it has a ring to it,” Grace said as she continued folding baby clothes. I walked up behind her and kissed her on the cheek.

“The same cadence as ‘Grace Renee Kim’.” I wrapped my arms around her, getting in a gentle rub of her belly. 

“Got it,” the nurse typed on the computer. “First, middle, and last name of mom?”

“Grace Renee Ashmore,” Grace said. 

“Okay, and the first, middle, and last name of dad,” the nurse said looking at me. 

“Kim Jae-min,” I said proudly. Aigoo, I’m actually a father.

“Okay, we’re gonna go ahead and print out her birth certificate for you to sign shortly.” The nurse got off and smiled at us before leaving the room. It wasn’t even minutes later until Grace’s phone rings. It’s Skylar looking to FaceTime with her cousin. 

Grace picked up the phone, holding in front of her. “Hey, Sky—“

“Where is my baby? Why isn’t she there with you?” Skylar immediately asked. Grace turned the phone toward me. I could immediately hear Sky squeal at the other end of the phone.

“Look at the baby!” Skylar cooed at the screen. “Shawn! Jamie’s holding the baby!” I felt my face getting hot, about to have my best friend see me holding my daughter for the first time. 

“Hyung!” Shawn shouted out through the phone. “That’s your baby!” 

“Hi, guys,” I waved at the camera using one of Maki’s balled up fists. Shawn and Skylar are going crazy.

“She is so cute and chunky,” Skylar began to say. “God, she could be your twin, Jamie.” I felt my face getting hot and flustered. I scooted my chair next to Grace’s bed, giving her back Maki as I take the phone. 

“How’s the family doing?” I asked.

“Aunt Mollie and Uncle Weston are still here with your parents,” Skylar answered. “Shawn said your mom is really loving the hospitality. Your mom was so excited for you.” It made me feel good inside having my mother celebrate a new life into the family: the only son’s first born. And she’s my daughter? She might as well wear a crown and call her Princess Maki. 

“When we are able to bring Maki home, we’re going to have the family come see her.” Grace smiled at me, then looked down at a sleepy Maki. “Right now, we’re enjoying her for ourselves.”

“I agree,” Shawn stated before looking through the phone screen. “Hyung, I guess I’m the last one standing with no kids! Sky, you wanna change that?”

“Don’t even,” Skylar backs him up, bringing him back to reality.

“I’m just saying, Skylar; you put one of these in Shawn’s arms, he will forever worship the ground you walk on.” I was excited to see if Skylar will let Shawn get his baby. Something tells me he’s not that too far off cracking the code. “Just ask Grace.”

Grace waved her hand away, dismissing the conversation. She was simply distracted with Maki in her arms being super active. Something I’ve noticed about Maki is how much she loves being in her mom’s company. At times, I admit it makes me jealous.

“Try talking her into it,” Shawn scoffed. I couldn’t help but smile at their young love. 

“Anyway, we’re gonna let you enjoy your alone time with Maki,” Skylar begins to say. “Tell her Auntie Sky loves her!

“And Uncle Shawn!” I hear Shawn yell in the back. I hung up the call and placed Grace’s phone down on the end table. Maki is cooing and making all of the cute baby noises as she lays in Grace’s arms. It boggles my mind when Grace tries to convince me she doesn’t know what she’s doing as a mom. She’s literally a natural with Maki.

…

Grace was served dinner for the night, so I decided to have a celebratory date night with Grace in the hospital room. The lights were already dim in her room, and Maki was now in the nursery with all the other newborn babies.

I sat at Grace’s bedside, eating a deli sandwich and an iced americano from Bernie’s cafe. Of course, I went ahead and bought Grace a small coffee; one of the many things she had on her list to get after Maki was born. 

“Babe, you could’ve went home and showered before getting dinner you know,” Grace said, eating her dinner. 

“What? Do I smell?”

“No, no—“

“I mean I know yesterday was like the hottest day of the season, but I didn’t think I have body odor like that—“

“Jamie,” Grace grasped my attention by clapping her hands in front of my face. “Something tells me you’re also super sleep deprived.”

“Takes one to know one,” I teased, eating my sandwich. Grace shook her head knowing this was a losing battle on her side. “I’m just getting used to the bags under my eyes for the next couple of months.”

“You think you’re ready for those nights?” Grace teased. “Willow was such a nocturnal baby. It was like she slept through the day and as soon as it was midnight, she had all of the energy in the world.” I remember first meeting Willow in a baby stroller. She was a couple of months old when I did, but even then I remember a ton of our days in the cafe with Willow sleeping soundly in her stroller.

“We might just have to run on Korea time,” I suggested.

“Gosh, that jet lag was insane,” Grace commented as she ate her food. “And to even think about being on a plane with two kids is–“

“Oh?” I quickly reacted. “Are we making family vacation plans already?” Grace rolled her eyes as she smiled at me.

“When I’m okay to fly and when Maki is a bit older,” Grace answered. “I already told Maki all of this–“

“You’re having secret conversations with her already?” I continued to tease, feeling happy that Grace already has this special bond with Maki. I had told her numerous times that she was going to be great with her.

“I’ve been having conversations with her,” Grace corrected with a sullen look on her face. “I’m going to miss randomly talking to Maki when I carried her around with me.” I listened to Grace talk, getting a glimpse of what the initial couple of weeks will look like for Grace and I. We’re both already so sleep deprived, unkempt, and Grace is already getting separation anxiety from Maki. I hope that this anxiety is only temporary for Grace.

I placed my hand over her thigh, rubbing the fabric of the blanket against her skin. “You can still talk to her anytime you want, jagiya. She’s here to talk to.” Grace tightly smiled as tears fell down her cheeks. I could tell how much this moment meant for Grace, but also had this sense of worry that her past will cloud her judgement. It’s something I worried about throughout Grace’s pregnancy, but never brought up to speak about.

Grace sighed as she leaned her head back on the pillow, looking at me. I smiled back at her. “What?”

“Nothing,” I said, readjusting in my chair. “I just can’t believe she’s actually here.”

…

The doorbell rings as I ran across the apartment packing the things that Grace requested to bring back to the hospital. My feet slid across the smooth floor, opening the front door. Max and Willow stand there.

“Hey man,” I greeted Max with a fist pound. Willow ran into the apartment, looking around as if she was searching for something.

“Where’s my baby sister?” Willow asked us.

“She’s at the hospital with your mama, Willow Bean,” I answered. I take the tiny suitcase of Willow’s things from Max. “Thanks for bringing Willow down here; I would’ve came up there myself, but–“

“You just had a baby,” he solidified. “You have a lot going on so it was only right to bring Willow down.” I looked at Max, remembering the first time I had met him was in this very apartment, holding a baby Willow in my arms. At first, he wasn’t fond of me being around his young daughter, which was understandable considering the circumstances at the time. I was glad that he became more accepting the more serious things got between Grace and I. Willow may not be my biological daughter, but she had taught me things that I didn’t expect would be useful until Maki came along.

Willow went running in her room. “Wait! I have to give Maki her present!” She slammed the door shut behind her. Singalong toys and plushies were heard being tossed around.

“Present?” Max asked.

“Willow and I did birthday gift shopping,” I started to explain, feeling embarrassed. “I had told her that whatever day Maki is born will be her birthday, and she insisted getting her a birthday present.” Max chuckled as he nodded his head.

“Yep, sounds a lot like Willow,” he added on. “I hope she didn’t cause any trouble–“

“No, no,” I waved off. “She’s always great.” Silence then filled the room as Max and I awkwardly stood in the middle of the apartment.

“I just want you to know that fatherhood changes your life,” Max began to say. I was confused, wondering where this was stemming from. “You think you want one thing for your life and then the next you have a kid that literally becomes your whole life.” I nodded my head, not wanting to interrupt him. “Willow was the reason why I left the firm.”

“Was it a hard decision to make once she came?” I asked, genuinely curious.

“Definitely. I worked hard to get into that firm, and our intern case was brutal; but something about seeing Willow for the first time made me realize all of that didn’t mattered. Willow did.” I listened to Max’s words, a bit surprised that leaving the firm wasn’t as easy of a decision that Grace had made it to be. As a man, I can understand that want to be a provider and also be a present father. Being a lawyer meant you couldn’t be both. Grace had proved that to him early on. I want to let Grace know that it was okay to be both.

Before I was able to get deeper in thought, Willow runs out of her room with a tiny rattling baby toy.

“I don’t know how to wrap presents,” Willie said in a defeatist tone.

“It’s okay; Maki doesn’t know how to open presents yet,” I reassured her. I looked at Max who I caught smiling at both Willow and me’s banter.

“Say hi to your baby sister for me, Willow,” Max kneeled down before his daughter to say goodbye. She hugged him tight before giving him a kiss on the cheek. I couldn’t wait until Maki was old enough to do that, but then again I was perfectly fine with her being just a cute baby for now.

…

The nurse walks us to Grace’s room, smiling before she turned around to face us.

“The last I checked, mom was breast feeding,” she began to say. “Considering she’s been experiencing breast pain as she feeds Maki, we recommend that she take a couple of hours a day to pump milk.” I nodded my head, convincing myself I was going to remember all of this information right before a pivotal moment of Willow’s life.

“Thank you,” I said to the nurse. She smiled and walked away from the room, leaving just Willow and me.

“You ready, Willow Bean?” I said, about to turn the doorknob. When I don’t hear an answer back from her, I turned around to face her. It was then that I saw Willow seeming a bit nervous. “Willow?”

“What if she cries when she seems me? What if she doesn’t like me?” Willow shyly asked. I kneeled down to her level, knowing this was one serious conversation of many to come in the future. It was my responsibility to make sure that Willow felt as comfortable as possible in this situation. Willow was just as much of a daughter to me as Maki is, and I wanted her to know that going into this room.

“Maki just has to get to know you. Once she does, you’re going to be her favorite person.”

“Really?” Willow asked. I nodded my head, smiling at her.

“Yep, because you are her sister, and sisters always have a special bond.” Willow let out a deep breath, looking at the toy in her hand.

“Okay,” she finally said, now more confident. “I hope she’s ready to meet me.” Her willingness to try to do scary things is definitely something she picked up from Grace.

I stand back up and slowly open the door, peeking in. Grace looked up at me, smiling.

“Look who came to visit,” I playfully said, looking down at Willow. She nervously hid behind my legs, looking at her mom holding Maki.

“Hi, Willow,” Grace finally said with a huge smile on her face. “Come.” Willow slowly walked towards Grace’s bed, standing at the foot of it. Her eyes are glued on a cooing Maki.

I sat in the seat next to Grace, and picked up Willow to sit on my lap. She hid behind the toy in her hands, not really knowing what to do.

“It’s okay,” I reassured Willow. She slowly puts her hands down, leaning closer to her mother and Maki. Maki’s eyes are open wide as she looks back at Willow.

“This is Maki,” Grace introduced her to Willow.

“H-hi,” Willow nervously greeted. “I’m Willow, and your sister.” Maki cooed back, and moved her mouth what unseeingly looked like a smile. “I got you a present.” She shows Maki the little plush puppy with crinkly, floppy ears.

“Maki-ya, ige mwongayo,” I reacted, talking to Maki. “What is this? A puppy?” I looked up at Grace, happily observing this moment. I didn’t blame her, I wouldn’t want to miss such an important moment in our lives.

“Maki appreciates the gift, Willow,” Grace finally said, smiling at Willow. This was more something of my important moment in life.

Watching Grace still be present for Willow even in the midst of our lives changing was something inspiring. She doesn’t know just how good she is at balancing all the important parts of her life. It never had to be one or the other. It will never be how it once was ever again.

When Grace had left to Italy to see her mother’s last performances, I severely had trouble sleeping. It was like I needed to know if she was doing okay being away from her family after so long. The last overseas trip she was on was for the Ulsan dance production, which was the year prior. 

One night, I had a dream about a little duckling swimming on top of the pond. I fed the duckling some bread, watching it shake out its tiny feathers and peck at the floating piece of bread. The duckling cutely quacks and spends the rest of the afternoon being my buddy at the pond. Every time I saw that duckling in my dream, I was stunned by its presence. It was like I wanted to always be there with the duckling, the same way it wants to always be near me at the pond. 

It wasn’t long after until Grace finally came home from Italy, finding out we were going to have a baby.

I rushed Grace in the hospital, pushing her on a wheelchair to the emergency room waiting area. In there were people of many ages, and I couldn’t help but feel like we were going to be waiting here for a while.

I walked up to the nurses counter, giving her a slight smile. “Hi, I… uhm—“ I can hear Grace groan in pain at the corner of the waiting room. People were beginning to look at her. 

“My wife, she’s in labor—“

“Sign in please,” the nurse dismissed me and said, shoving a clipboard of all of the prior sign-ins.

“No, no; she needs to see someone now,” I emphasized, trying to get the nurses attention. “Her contractions are minutes apart—“

“You and everyone else in the emergency room have to follow the protocol,” the nurse spat back at me. “It’s on a first come, first serve basis.”

“Oh my god, the baby’s coming,” Grace wailed out. I turned around and walked over to her, beginning to get anxious. “Please—“

“Okay, okay,” the nurse buzzed open the door. I quickly pushed Grace to it, waiting the door slam shut behind us.

“We’re gonna be fine, Grace; everything is going to be alright—“ I feel a tug on my shirt, looking down at Grace. She seems to not be in a panic like she was just moments ago. 

“You sometimes have to,” Grace mentioned. I scoffed, amazed at what Grace is capable of even in midst of being in labor. 

It wasn’t long after that Grace got into a room and hooked up on the various machines around her. The doctor had mentioned that Grace was about 6 centimeters diluted. 

It was getting to be the late hours of the day, which meant that the engagement party was about to end. Grace lay in the hospital bed, napping after taking medication to manage the contractions. I sat at the other end of the room, next to the window on a chair.

“She’s okay, they just gave her some pain medication and now she’s napping,”. I said softly over the phone. 

“She’s napping right now, Sky,” I heard Shawn say away from the phone. “That’s good to hear. Did they tell you when Maki is suppose to come?”

“Grace has to fully dilate before they can set her up to deliver,” I explained, taking a deep breath afterwards. “Was the party okay?”

“Yeah, most people started to leave, telling us to wish Grace to get well soon. It was only me, Sky, Kevin, JooAh, her family and your family.” I could hear Shawn sigh before he spoke again. “They were asking so many questions and Sky became overwhelmed and told the families the truth. It took forever to calm everyone down.” I shut my eyes right before sighing loudly. “I told everyone you will keep us posted if anything happens.” 

“Thanks, Shawn—“

“Are you not scared?” He randomly asked me. “You seem so calm for a person whose first born baby will be here soon.” 

“I know, but I promised Grace.”

“Promised what?” Shawn asked.

“That I would be there for her, no matter what.” I stood by my word seriously, especially the more I found myself falling more and more in love with her. I knew I was allowed to feel everything like a human too, but I have to be strong for Grace when she can’t. “Between you and me, Shawn, I’m super nervous. What if Maki doesn’t like me? What if I can’t stop her from crying? What good I am if I cannot be—“

“A father?” Shawn asked, finishing the sentence. “Hyung, I think Maki already knows you’re going to be an amazing father to her.”

I couldn’t help but ruminate every single doubt I have in my body. Will I ever be able to be the father that my father was? What would I do differently about the things I didn’t like my father doing? Will my children be proud calling me their dad?

“I hope she knows just how much I already love her,” I said out loud rather than to Shawn. I look at Grace, sleeping peacefully as the various machines steadily beep. I look at Grace’s belly, realizing Maki will no longer be what her mother carried around for the last 9 months. Maki is going to love Grace.

“I think she does,” Shawn said. “Keep us posted, and here’s an early congratulations from me.” I smiled before saying goodbye to Shawn, hanging up my phone. I slowly walked back toward Grace, sitting in the seat next to her bed. She seemed to have been awake for some time. 

“Jagiya, you should be resting,” I leaned forward and said. 

“I couldn’t stay asleep for too long, all I kept feeling were the butterflies in my stomach.” Hearing Grace say that made my heart melt. Grace loves Maki so much already.

“Maki’s saying she’s excited to meet you,” I smiled as I said, holding one of her hands on mine, rubbing her belly. Grace scoffed as she adjust herself.

“I think she’s more excited to meet you,” she confessed, directly looking at me. “She’s gonna like you more than me.”

“I don’t believe that,” I sternly said, not liking the way Grace meant with that. “Right now, you’re the only person she knows. She actually has to meet me. She’s all ready to meet the person that carried her all these months.” Grace’s heart monitor literally skipped a beat. 

I held out my hand, placing mine into hers before I slightly squeezed it. “I’m actually nervous to meet her for the first time.” I confessed. 

“Jamie,” Grace cooed, feeling sympathetic. “She’s so excited to meet you.”

“Did she tell you that?” I teased back as Grace playfully rolled her eyes. 

“She always reacts to the sound of your voice when you enter the room,” Grace looked at her belly, caressing it. She smiled as she looked up at me. “She knows who you are. She knows you’re her appa.” I could feel the butterflies in my stomach now. I said nothing but kiss the side of Grace’s belly; a one final goodbye before we meet again.

…

The duckling revisited me in my dream. It swam directly to me, quacking in excitement. I kneeled at the edge of the pond, observing the baby duckling. The duckling fought until its two flippers were strong enough to hold its weight out of the water. I placed my hand out as it jumped into it, quacking in excitement. 

The sound of Grace’s moaning woke me up. At first I didn’t know what was happening until I remembered where I was. I checked the time on my phone; it was 3 o’clock in the morning, June 4th.

“Jagiya?” I called out, still half asleep. I finally snapped out of it once I heard Grace moan out my name. “Grace?”

“Where’s the nurse?”she instantly asked. 

“I don’t know, I just woke up—“

“I need the nurse, I need more pain medicine,” Grace said before letting out the loudest wail I’ve ever heard from her. It wasn’t long until the nurse came into the room, reading the numbers on the monitor.”

“Tell the doc she’s 10 centimeters dilated,” the nurse says to the assistant next to her. The assistant leaves, and the nurse walked over to one of the cabinets, taking out a surgeons gown. 

“Change into this while I get mom situated,” the nurse said to me with a smile on her face. I walked to the bathroom and closed the door behind me. I could hear Grace’s muffled screams. I let out a deep breath, looking at myself in the mirror. These are the final moments before forever entering fatherhood. 

I put the plastic gown over my head, tightening the rope around my waist. I put the surgical mask over my face and give myself one final look. 

It’s time.

I opened the bathroom door and walked back to where Grace was. She reached out for my hand, which I prematurely gave her. I did not realize how much strength Grace has.

“Fuck, fuck, fucking shit,” Grace commented through her recent contraction. Her grip made my hand turn a dark purple the way she was squeezing it. “Where… is the… pain medicine,” she asked, wincing in between. 

“We already explained that it cannot be administered during active labor—“

“And I said I don’t give a shi—“

“Grace,” I said, getting her attention. 

“I can’t do this,” she shook her head as she spoke to me. “I can’t, I can’t—“

“You’re doing so great,” I praised her, distracting her from the doctor and nurse prepping the delivery. “She’s so close to being here.”

“When is she gonna come?” Grace asked through her clenched teeth. 

“Any minute now, jagiya.” I pulled my mask down and gently kissed her on top of her head. We both looked down at where the doctor was,looking at Grace and I. 

“Mom is fully dilated, and baby is getting in birthing position. Okay mom, I’m going to have you begin pushing in a few minutes, okay? Dad, I’m going to need you to comfort her through it.” I pulled her hair away from her face, dabbing her with a towel. 

Grace screamed out in pain, throwing her head back after every push she made. 

“You’re going a great job, Grace,” I said to her, petting her head. Grace doesn’t say anything back, she starts to push when she hears the doctor telling her to push. I didn’t think someone can squeeze your hand into numbness. Grace screamed after every push, wincing in pain. 

“Okay, baby is almost here, I need the biggest pushes you can make!” The doctor said out loud. Grace pushed hard and screamed even harder. I screamed along with her, feeling her cripple my left hand in real time. 

“Grace,” I tried pleading with her, but it was no use. Grace wasn’t hearing anything I was saying at this point.

“Alright, one more big push,” the doctor said to Grace. “1, 2, 3; push!” Grace yelled out one final agonizing scream and pushed. Moments later, Grace gasps out loud before flopping back on the bed. 

All that filled in the delivery room was Maki’s first cry. 

I watched the doctor lift Maki in her hands before handing the baby over to Grace. Grace bawls out crying, holding Maki in her arms.

“Oh my god, Jamie,” she cried out, looking up at me. Maki settled down once she felt Grace’s skin. My heart felt so incredibly full in this moment. Grace looked down at Maki and cried so many happy tears. Hearing Grace cry after seeing Maki made me feel super emotional. 

I leaned in and kissed Grace’s forehead. “Jagiya, jeongmal manh-i salanghae,” I said to Grace before gluing my eyes onto Maki. My first born. My daughter.

…

Grace’s body immediately gave out once the nurse took Maki to wrap her in clothing. She seemed to be asleep so peacefully, as if her body gave all that it could to bring Maki in the world, and now its reward is a deep sleep.

The nurse entered the room with one of the newborn beds, bringing Maki in the room. I felt my heart flutter seeing her. 

“Ahh, mommy is still sleeping,” the nurse said to Maki. She looked up at me and smiled. “But daddy’s up to say hello.” She began lifting Maki from the bed, turning around to face me. “I think it would be best if you and Maki also have some skin time.” I immediately sat up from my seat, unbuttoning a couple of them on my shirt. The nurse unwrapped the cloth from Maki before handing her to me. My skin felt hot as soon as I felt Maki on my chest. 

“Maki,” I cooed her name, watching her tiny fingers explore along my chest. Aigoo, she is the cutest thing. “Maki-ya.” I smiled as she cooed on my chest. “Appa is so happy to finally meet you.”

She had a mixture of Grace’s auburn hue and my jet black hair.  She had such wavy hair; something she inherited from her eomma. It wasn’t until she slowly opened her eyes that I saw it. Maki had looked exactly like how I did when I was a baby. Her eye shape slightly resembled her Korean roots, mixed with Grace’s Italian-American roots. She was a beautiful blend of both her parents. 

“You know, I’ve dreamt about you for a long time,” I said to Maki as I held her on my chest. “I dreamt of this moment right here, holding you for the very first time. It was everything I dreamt of it being.” I smiled as I looked down on her, feeling her fall into slumber in my arms. “There’s so much I’ve dreamt about in life, but I never knew you would be one to come true.” Maki cooed, her tiny vibration of my voice warmed my body up. 

“Aigoo, you’re already so perfect,” I looked down at her. “You’re going to make it so hard for me to say no to you.” This type of love feels so different than love I felt for my family, for my friends, and even for Grace. I thought Grace had me wrapped around her finger for life, not realizing there will ever be a person above her to do that. Maki’s got me good, jagiya.

It was finally the morning of what would be one of the most important days of my life.

It was unseasonably warm for the beginning of June, so running around and putting the last minute things together at the Ashmore apartment definitely made us sweaty and tired. Even Grace, who’ve I told a million and one times already that she is to not lift a single box that is too heavy. I didn’t care if I caught her roll her eyes at me as I walked by, all that mattered was that I keep Grace from doing anything that would hurt her. 

I started to grow impatiently waiting for Maki’s arrival. Grace’s belly had stood up high, which my mother kept telling me that meant she was due any day now. It got harder for Grace to be mobile these days, so keeping her in her place for the sake of her possibly going into labor was something we needed to look out for. 

Grace groaned as she tilted her head back on me. I stood behind her with my arms wrapped around her belly, lifting some of the weight off of Grace. Maki was surely a healthy baby, considering she actually was a little on the heavier side.

“Man, I needed this,” Grace said as she closed her eyes. I looked down at her, smiling as I kissed her slightly sweaty forehead. “I can’t wait to feel this light again.”

“Soon, jagiya,” I said as I kissed her cheek. Grace finally stops leaning on me, holding her lower back once she turned her body to face me. 

“I love her, but she has overstayed her welcome,” Grace commented, crossing her arms along her chest. “Everything hurts, I’m emotional, I’m exhausted, and I have to stop being all of that for this engagement party tonight.” I looked around the apartment, watching everything being set up in their places. We were the only ones standing in the middle of the room. 

“I know, and it’s okay to need a break from everything.” It’s been a challenge to not only get Grace to relax, but to also listen to instructions she was given. “But we’re gonna have a great time with friends and family, all here to celebrate us.” Grace smiled at me before leaning into a kiss on the cheek, followed by caressing the spot. She looks deeps into my eyes, and I start to feel butterflies like it was the first time over and over again.

Before anything else could be said, a knock is heard at our front door, in which I walked over to answer. It was Shawn and Skylar, already dressed up with engagement gifts in their hand.

“Grace!” Sky excitedly said as she gave Grace a hug. “Oh my god, you’re so ready to pop.”

“Don’t even say that,” Grace nervously said, hitting Skylar on the arm. “That’s the last thing I need to happen today.”

“She’s suppose to come in June, meaning any day of the month,” Skylar said in a sarcastic tone. Grace rolled her eyes, wobbling for way to the table to straight out the tablecloth. 

“Hyung,” Shawn said as he walked toward me. “Grace looks… huge.”

“Ya, that’s how pregnant women look like,” I scolded Shawn, hoping Grace wasn’t around to have heard that. 

“No, I mean… you sure Maki’s suppose to come anytime this month? What if… today is that day of the month?” Shawn asked. I can’t lie, it was a worry I’ve had for the last week. As the week went on, I started to notice Grace grunt and groan more than usual when doing her normal routine. As much as I’m anticipating waiting for Maki’s birth, I don’t know if I’m ready yet for everything to happen. My daughter being born, to then make me a father, and Grace as my daughter’s mother happening all at once. Aigoo, I already feel lightheaded.

Skylar and Grace sat at the kitchen island putting decorations together. Mollie walks into the common room area, probably surprised to see this many people already in her house.

“Oh! Hi Sky! Hi Shawn,” Mollie greeted her niece and nephew-in-law. “God, you two look so good together. 

“Don’t give him a bigger head than he has, Aunt Mollie,” Skylar teased, ultimately kissing Shawn on the cheek afterwards. I see Weston coming into the room with a bunch of things needed for the party. I immediately run to help him out. 

“Here, I got this,” I said to Weston, grabbing the top two containers of things that he was carrying, I placed it down on the kitchen table. “Thank you again for letting Grace and I have the party here. I really can’t thank you enough.”

“Nonsense,” Weston brushed off. “She’s our daughter.” I looked at Weston, daydreaming of the day that Maki comes to me wanting a party of her own. She’s going to have the cutest birthday parties. “Speaking of Grace, how is she?”

“She’s hanging on hard,” I begin to say as I decorated the opening doorway leading into the apartment. “Maki is taking her time.”

“She’s just giving you and Grace time to be fully ready for her arrival,” Weston suggested, handing me the banner to hang up. “She knows today is all about her mom and dad.”

“I hope that’s her reason,” I nervously replied back, finally putting the last piece of tape at the end of the banner. It reads, “Congratulations to Jamie & Grace”. 

My family were the next ones to arrive, which made me even more nervous. They observed the apartment as they were walking in; thankfully, Shawn walked over to them, greeting them with Skylar and kept them company alongside Kevin and JooAh. It wasn’t long after that Weston and Mollie walked up to my mom, officially shaking hands as they meet for the first time. My mom has a huge smile on her face; I was glad to see that she liked Weston and Mollie. 

Everything was going as planned. Our friends and family intertwine for the first time, making this party feel incredibly real. Grace is my soon-to-be wife. Everyone was getting along, enjoying the party with the music and little dance floor in the middle of the Ashmore living room. 

It doesn’t take me long to realize that it’s been a while since I last saw Grace. I had let her in the hands of my sisters, which my sisters were now just talking to our mom. I searched the apartment to see if I could find Grace, and it wasn’t long that I noticed her figure outside of the balcony located in her parent’s bedroom.

“Jagiya?” I slid the balcony door open before calling out for Grace. She towards around to look at me before looking back out to the city, leaning on the balcony railing. “What are you doing out here?”

“I had to get away from the noise for a bit,” Grace sighed as she answered. She looked up at me. “I’m fine.”

“I wasn’t questioning that,” I mentioned, observing Grace’s body language. “Should I be concerned?”

“Jamie,” Grace sighed as she turned her body toward me. “I’m just feeling overwhelmed. I think Maki can sense it.” She rubs her belly in small circles, trying to self-soothe. Something doesn’t feel right.

“Is Maki giving you a hard time?”

Graces scoffs before she answers. “When hasn’t she been giving me a hard time—“

“Ya”, I reacted, not liking how she responded. “Maybe you should come inside, get some air or something. It’s too hot to be—“

“If you think you’re going to be the one calling the shots in this marriage, you are wrong,” Grace spat out. I was confused, not understanding where this was coming from.

“Really, Grace?” I deadpanned, not in the mood for her shenanigans today. 

“If I’m out here getting some air, let me get some air,” she turned around, now looking at me. “I have a ton of things on my mind and the last thing I need is you telling me what to do.” Before Grace can finish her train of thought, she winces in pain, holding the side of her belly. 

“Grace?” I said in a panic. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Grace said through her teeth, letting out one final deep breath. “I already told you I came out here for air. Maki has been going at it all day, which is annoying me—“

“Whoa, you’ve been feeling like this all day?” I started to out two-and-two together, hoping it wasn’t what I thought it was. “What if something is wrong with Maki?”

“Nothing… is wrong… with Maki,” Grace spat out through meditated breathing. The signs were all there, but it took me a moment to realize what was happening. I walked over to Grace, closing the gap in between us.

“Grace, I need you to be honest with me,” I said in a low voice, looking down at Grace. “Are you in labor?”

“No, no,” she waved the thought off. I wasn’t convinced.

“It’s okay if she decides to come today—“

“She’s not.”

“You don’t get to decide that.” I looked down at Grace, never taking my eyes off of her. After staring her down, her hard exterior begins to break down, and her panic starts to seep in.

“She can’t come today, it’s the engagement party,” she winced in pain, rubbing the side of her belly. “It’s too early for her to come—“

“We have to get you to the hospital,” I began to say, about to go back inside the apartment. 

“Jamie—“

“We can get there on time so that you’re situated in a room before she comes, and—“

“Jamie,” Grace finally gets close enough to grab me by the collar tightly. She leans forward in pain, all while trying to have control of the situation. “Do you hear yourself? We are in the middle of our engagement party.”

“If you’re in labor, Grace; you’re in labor. Maki has so sense of time to know what is going on right now.” I looked at Grace, who gradually begins to breathe in and out her nose, clearly having contractions. 

Grace squeezes her eyes shut to endure the pain of the current contraction, being exactly 7 minutes apart. Despite what was going on, one thing remained certain: Maki has chosen today to be the day. I grabbed Grace by the arm, helping her hold her balance. Nothing else mattered in this moment. Maki was coming.

“Let’s get you back inside—“

“I don’t want anyone to know,” Grace said in breathy words, walking toward the balcony door. “Everyone is going to freak out.”

“We have to tell someone what’s happening.” I sternly said. “We have to tell Shawn and Skylar.”

“They are the worst people to tell!” Grace cried out, trying to manage the pain. Grace finally sits down on the edge of the bed, rubbing her belly. I quickly opened the door of the bedroom, scanning the apartment for Shawn. Thankfully, where there’s food, there’s Shawn.

“Shawn,” I quietly said, trying to get his attention. “Shawn—“

“Hyung!” Shawn said loudly, causing some people to turn their heads.

“Ya, keep it down!” I whispered out loud. Shawn finally moved away from the food, towards the bedroom door.

“What’s going on?” Shawn finally asked.

“I need you to do me a huge favor,” I started to say, trying to remain as calm as possible.

“Mwo? What happened?”

“I need you and Skylar to host the night,” I said, looking directly at Shawn. “I have to take Grace to the hospital.”

“The hospital?!”

“Shhhh!” I spat back, seeing the people look around now. “You have to remain calm.”

“Did something happen?” Shawn asked.

I let out a deep breath before I spoke. “Grace is in labor.”

“Are you serious?!” Shawn said out loud. I tried my hardest to quiet him down, but unfortunately it was too late. I see Skylar look up at us, now walking toward our direction. Aigoo.

“What the hell is going on?” Skylar asked us, seeming annoyed at us. “Where is Grace? Her parents are—“

“She’s in labor,” Shawn nervously confessed. I wanted nothing more than to slap some sense into him. 

Skylar’s eyes widen. “What? Where is she—“ Before she could even finish her question, Grace is heard groaning and moaning in pain. Skylar looked at me before she barged into the bedroom.

“Sky,” Shawn tried to stop his wife. Me, Shawn and Skylar walked into the room as Grace was at the edge of the bed, hunched over.

“Grace?” Skylar ran over to her cousin, kneeling down in front of her. “Grace—“

“I told you tell them, not to bring them here!” Grace said out loud to me. She immediately winces in pain. her contractions are getting intense. 

“We need you to host the party for us. Don’t say anything to anyone,” I stated to both Shawn and Skylar. 

“Your parents, her parents—“ Skylar began to say to me.

“They will find out once Maki is born.” I give Shawn a stern look, needing this to be done. Shawn nodded his head, understanding what I was saying.

“People are going to start asking where you guys are,” Skylar debated with me as she fanned Grace with one of her mother’s magazines. 

“Tell them Grace wasn’t feeling good so I took her to urgent care,” I responded, needing this to be executed in the smoothest way possible. “Just please don’t tell anyone about Maki coming.” Skylar seemed perplexed, until she sighed and nodded her head.

I hear Grace loudly moan in pain, leaning back on the bed.

“Jamie,” Grace groaned out my name. I had to get her out of the bedroom without anyone seeing her. 

“Come on, jagiya,” I said to Grace, lifting her up with my arm. “Remember to breathe.” Grace looked at me, mimicking my breathing. I brushed away Grace’s hair away from her face, wiping the sweat off from her forehead. 

Shawn turns his body to face Skylar now. “Baby, I’m going to need you to act like we’re in an argument. Once everyone looks at us, Jamie will take Grace out to the front door.”

“Are you sure this is going to work?” Skylar said as Grace whaled out a painful moan. 

“It’s going to have to work,” Shawn reassures his wife. It’s the first time seeing Shawn take control like this, and Skylar actually following through. 

Shawn opens the door, looking at me and Skylar. “You ready?” Both of us nodded, watching his next move. I shouldn’t have put too much faith in Shawn’s plan. 

Shawn throws himself out of the bedroom door, acting shocked. “Are you serious right now, Sky?” 

“I’m being dead serious!” Skylar said out loud, closing the bedroom door behind her. I grabbed my keys and wallet from my nightstand, then immediately tending to Grace.

“Jagiya, I’m going to need you to trust me,” I kneeled down at her, holding her fisted hands. “I will get you to the hospital before Maki gets here—“

“Jamie, I’m not ready,” Grace pleaded, letting out a deep breath in between contractions. “I’m not ready to give birth yet. I’m not ready for Maki—“

“But she is,” I reassured her as best as I could. “She’s ready to meet us.” I looked at Grace, analyzing every expression on her face. I can tell she was scared and see the initial shock that this was really happening. I could see the million of questions scan along her face. Doubting herself. Thinking she can’t be everything she dreamt of being. Not knowing how to feel once Maki is in our arms. 

“Jamie, I’m scared—“

“It’s okay to be scared, but we have to move fast,” I told her, looking her in the eyes. “Let’s go have ourselves a baby, Grace.” I let out my hand for Grace to help her up. She holds onto my open palm tightly, slowly getting up from the bed. 

I opened the bedroom door, watching Shawn and Skylar argue in front of everyone as they watched. I quietly sneak out through the front door with Grace, getting closer to meeting our baby girl. 

I’ve hid my mental health for most of my life, and working was the only way to navigate the messiness of it when it flared up. I never spoke about my declining mental health to anyone; it was something that was never brought up in conversation. Instead, conversations were always about surface-level topics; ‘what were we planning for the weekend’ or ‘how is the family doing’ and then go back to our regular lives. It was extremely worrying while I was in law school; only Shawn and Kevin were the only ones that knew how much I was struggling. It was at its worst when my father passed away, yet I had to be emotionally available for my family, now being the only man in it. Since then it’s been difficult for me to allow people in; to some extent with Grace as well.

Things have been rather quiet between Grace and I since our falling out last week. I definitely felt like I was walking on eggshells around her, worried that I was going to do or say something wrong. She carried on her days as normal, avoiding any conflict with me by simply not engaging in anything conflict based. I hated how we’ve become this couple, especially how close we were to Maki’s arrival.

…

“Hyung, it doesn’t work like that,” Kevin argued, sighing as Shawn readjusted himself in his seat.

“Yes it does! How are you going to tell me that the story was originally going to be one thing, and then all of a sudden, it changes! It’s a beloved series and the creator can’t just recon the plot!” Shawn slammed his hand on the table, making the glasses on top rattle in place.

“Ya,” I said, holding the bridge of my nose. “You’re going to knock over the glasses trying to prove a worthless point.”

“Ouch,” Shawn replied, sitting back in his seat. “Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed.”

“I’m sorry,” I said, sighing. “I have a lot going on right now… I didn’t mean to be rude–“

“I get it,” Shawn began to say. “You have a terrible way of handling stress.”

“Is this about the engagement party?” Kevin asked me. That was the other thing: Grace and I were planning an engagement party barely on speaking terms, and the party was this coming Saturday.

“That and everything else going on.” I looked at Shawn and Kevin; the two people in my life who were more like my brothers than best friends. I confined in them during law school when things were getting bad; what made this time any different? “My head hasn’t been… well.“

“Mwo? Are you sick?” Kevin asked.

“No,” I sighed as I said. “I am having a hard time dealing with things lately to the point that I’m not doing well…mentally.” The guys didn’t immediately say anything, which was pretty normal. It was something that we didn’t talk about and haven’t talked about since law school. “Grace and I are not on good terms.”

“Hyung, what do you mean you’re not on good terms? You’re engaged,” Kevin pointed out. “You’re also having a baby together–“

“I know, Kevin,” I spat out, not wanting to hear all of the things that make this feel even worse than it already does. I looked at Shawn, who’s staying uncharacteristically quiet. “What?” I asked Shawn.

“Nothing.”

“Ya, malhae bwa,” I said to Shawn, telling him to spit it out already. “What is it?”

“I promised Sky I wouldn’t say anything–“

“Say what? What happened?” If there was one thing about Shawn it’s that he’s loyal to the ones he loves; his wife was of course on top of the list. “Did Sky say something?”

“No, Grace did,” he confessed. “When Sky saw me in the kitchen, she made me promise not to say anything–” Before Shawn was even able to finish his sentence, I grabbed him my the collar of his shirt into a fist.

“This is my life we’re talking about. My future wife, the soon-to-be mother of my child. I don’t give a fuck if you promised your wife to not say anything about my life.” Shawn looked terrified, and Kevin tried his best to separate both Shawn and me. I finally let him go as Kevin successfully got in between us.

“We are out in public,” Kevin scolded me. I kept staring at Shawn, feeling my blood boil the longer he stood shut.

Shawn straightened himself out before he said anything. “It is not my place, nor is it my business. How about you go and talk to Grace to figure it out?”

“How? She barely says anything to me when we’re home!” I yelled out. Kevin turned back around to face me.

“Hyung!” Kevin warned me.

“Sky recommended Grace to try couples therapy,” Shawn finally blurred out loud.

“Couples therapy?” I asked. The only knowledge I had about couples therapy was through pop culture, and even then most sessions depicted the women getting even angrier than when they first got there. “Why would Sky tell Grace to do couples therapy?”

“That I don’t know, but maybe Grace said something that was alarming to Sky.” It nearly killed me knowing that Grace was telling Skylar things that made her suggest something like couples therapy to her. Couples that resorted to therapy were only there because they were not able to resolve their issues on their own. What could have Grace possibly said to Sky that prompted that response? “Maybe you should try it.”

“For what? Grace and I don’t need couples therapy,” I protested. “We are just going through a rough patch in our relationship–“

“You and Grace don’t have rough patches, Hyung,” Kevin debated. “Your rough patches are catastrophic.” I looked at Kevin, hating the fact that there was some truth behind that.

“Besides,” Shawn intervened. “Maybe you’ll also feel better going to therapy. Sky has been going to therapy for the last couple of months and I can totally see the change in her well-being. Being in therapy here isn’t as jarring of a concept as it is back home.”

“Do you go to therapy?” I asked Shawn. He didn’t answer right away. “You don’t.”

“Sky’s issues were not about our relationship; yours are.” Again, I hate when Shawn is right. “I would hate to see things go bad for you and Grace after everything you guys been through.”

“I second that,” Kevin agreed. “Plus… we don’t want to see you go back to the place you were in at law school. That was tough for all of us.” I looked at both Shawn and Kevin, understanding where they were coming from. I remember those days; the drunken, depressed days locked in my dorm room, unable to juggle the many emotions I was experiencing.

…

That night, Grace and I sat at the kitchen table, eating Chinese take out for dinner. Nothing was said; Grace sat there and ate her food scrolling on her phone. The silence was killing me.

I slowly placed my hand over Grace’s phone screen. She quickly looked up at me. I let out a deep breath, trying to center my words.

“I think couples therapy would be helpful for us,” I said loud. Grace closed her lips tightly before sighing. Her silence will be the death of me–

“I’m gonna kill Shawn before Sky gets to him,” she responded.

…

My leg bounced in place as I sat next to Grace in the waiting room. I looked around the other couples in the room; some were definitely younger than Grace and I, and surprisingly some were older. Grace placed her hand on my lap, prompting me to stop. I looked at her as she gave me a tight smile. It wasn’t words, but I’d take her expression as reassurance.

“Mr. and Mrs. Kim?” One of the assistants opened the door leading to the rooms in the back. Aigoo. She signed us up under my name. Grace and I stood up and followed the assistant to a room where a lady stood and greeted us.

“Hi, welcome,” she smiled as she said. “Please make yourselves comfortable.” Grace sat closest to the therapist and sat right next to her on the couch, holding my knees with my hands. “I’m Dr. Briggs, but you may call me Kerri.” Grace smiled at Kerri, holding her belly as she adjusted her seat. I could hear my heart pounding from my chest.

“I’m Grace, and this is my fiancé, Jamie,” Grace introduced us.

“Oh! Well much congratulations are in order,” Kerri mentioned, looking at Grace’s belly. “Couples therapy isn’t just for older, married couples these days so I commend you both for agreeing to come today.” She pulls out her notebook and pen, giving us her undivided attention. “Let’s start with some basics on your relationship. How did you two meet?”

“We met a couple of years ago while Jamie was on a business trip,” Grace began to explain. She smiled as she recalled the beginning of our relationship, but took a deep breath when things got complicated. “We are in a better place now to handle some of the issues we couldn’t resolve when we were younger.”

Kerri nodded her head, then looked at me. “Would you like to add anything, Jamie?”

“Uhm, uh–” I coughed, as my mouth was extremely dry. I feel like I’m embarrassing Grace right now.

“Take your time, I know it can be difficult to open up about something so sacred,” Kerri reassured me. She smiled before leaning in her seat. “Is it hard for you to talk about sensitive topics?” I looked at Grace; she had this look on her face that was comforting. It was like she was telling me it was okay to open up. She wants me to open up for the sake of our relationship.

“I’m not from America,” I began to say. “I grew up in a culture where it wasn’t common for people to openly discuss topics like this.”

“Topics like what?”

“Mental health,” I finally said out loud. “I come from a family where we never spoke about these things openly to each other, so it’s been a challenge adjusting to the change now.” The more I spoke, the more comfortable I felt talking. This room was a safe space and no one would judge me for feeling the way I do. I looked at Grace, who has a perplexed look on her face.

Kerri immediately caught it. “How do you feel hearing Jamie say that, Grace?”

“A bit surprised,” Grace answered, rubbing that side of her belly again whenever she felt stressed or overwhelmed. “Jamie has never expressed that to me.” She looked at me now, speaking to me for the first time since we had that argument. “You could’ve told me that you were struggling.” Before I could answer back, Kerri interrupted. I wish she didn’t need to be in the room now that Grace was talking to me.

“How do you guys come to resolutions normally?” Kerri asked me. That was actually a good question.

“If Grace is upset at something that I done or said, I would apologize and take her feelings into consideration,” I answered. Kerri nodded her head, deep in thought.

“In these situations, do you ever feel like Grace holds herself accountable for the things she does or says that upsets you?”

“Yeah–“

“Who’s first to say sorry?” Kerri asked the both of us. “Raise your hand if you are the person that initiates the conversation after a disagreement or a fight.” I could sense Grace slowly turning her head in my direction as I slowly raised my hand. “Do you feel that’s true, Grace?”

“To some extent,” Grace spat out.

“Grace,” I said to her.

“You apologize only after you say some absolute, horrific thing that you probably believe is true–“

“I do not–“

“Whoa, whoa; step on the breaks,” Kerri intervened once again. “Let’s hear what Grace has to say before we react.” This is beginning to feel like a one-sided battle.

“I am the director and owner of a dance academy, and we just had our inspection of the building not too long ago. The building passed the inspection, but I wanted to move the space for awhile now, and decided to not renew the lease to the academy–“

“For awhile?” I repeated, now just learning of this information. “And–“

“Jamie,” Kerri scolded. “Let Grace finish.” I swallowed hard, feeling my face get hot.

“Jamie was upset that I didn’t discuss this with him first, but this is my business that I am responsible for, and–” Grace fidgeted with her fingers, clearly becoming uncomfortable now. “He accused me of choosing my career over my family.”

Kerri turned her head toward me. How the hell am I suppose to explain this to someone we just met 10 minutes ago? “How do you feel hearing Grace say that out loud?”

“Exposed–“

“Exposed?” Grace turned her head, seeming upset.

“Grace,” Kerri was now scolding her. “It’s Jamie’s turn to speak.” I guess this isn’t as one-sided as I thought it would be. “What prompted you to tell Grace she was choosing her career over her family? Was that something she has done in the past?” Kerri was cut-throat, needless to say.

I don’t immediately answer Kerri’s question. She nodded her head now looking over at Grace. Grace let out a deep breath, rubbing the side of her belly. Aigoo, maybe this was a bad idea.

“I have an older daughter with a different man that accused me of choosing my career over my family. I did. I was young and I didn’t know any better and–” Grace immediately reached over the table for some tissue. I rubbed the top of her leg to comfort her. It seemed to work, as she finally let out a deep breath before she continued speaking. “My mother chose her career over her family. She’s back in my life now as an adult, but I wonder if things would’ve been different if she came back when I was a kid… when I was too young to understand what was happening.”

“It’s a valid thought to have,” Kerri commented. “We grow up not wanting to become the people that hurt us the most, and we avoid it to the point that we unknowingly become those people.” Grace wiped her eyes with the tissue.

“Grace has been a huge part of her daughter’s life, despite what she may believe,” I defended her. Kerri was looking at me now, which made me nervous.

“Did you mean to say that she was choosing her career over her family this time?” she asked.

“I was angry, and I shouldn’t have said what I said–“

“But surely you must’ve felt like she was when you said it.” I looked at Kerri, becoming annoyed on how hard she was pushing this agenda.

“In that moment, it felt like she was making her career precedence.” I didn’t dare look at Grace, feeling like she was now giving me the death stare for saying what I said.

“Grace?” Kerri said, looking at her. “What comes up when you hear Jamie say that?”

“It’s upsetting,” she answered, wiping her face with the tissue. “It’s something I’m constantly judging myself for doing with my first daughter, and to hear the person I love confirm these thoughts make them feel even more real.” I felt horrible making Grace feel that way, especially so far along in her pregnancy. How could she confine in me when I am confirming her worst fears? “I mean sure, I didn’t sacrifice my entire life to be here, or to make this relationship work.” I turned my head to Grace. Sacrifice.

Kerri nodded her head. “What sacrifices has Jamie made for this relationship?”

“His entire life was in Korea; his job, lifestyle, family…” Grace took a deep breath before finishing. “Sometimes, I feel like Jamie’s sacrifices are what drives him to make decisions about our life without consulting me.”

“That’s not true–“

“Jamie,” Kerri warned me.

“I have to at least defend myself–“

“Defend?” Grace repeated, now looking at me.

“My decision to sacrifice my life back home does not equate to my decisions meaning more than yours–“

“It feels like it, Jamie!”

“How many times do I have to say that they don’t!” Before Grace and I continued to argue, Kerri blows a whistle, scaring the both of us into silence.

“Before this escalates, let me redirect your focus for a bit.” Kerri sighed before she continued to speak. “I see many couples come through that door on the brink of divorce, hoping that this will salvage their marriage in any way it can. You are not that couple.” Kerri smiles before she leans forward in her seat. “What I see are two people who are so much in love with each other, but are afraid to let their guards down because this is some what of unexplored territory for the both of you. Even when the conversations get tough, you are still rubbing each other on the shoulder for support. Most of my clients can’t even sit on the same couch as each other.” I looked at Grace as she kept her eyes on Kerri as she spoke. Kerri tightly smiled and points at me. “Jamie has had his eyes on you this entire time, Grace.” Grace finally looked at me and smiled slightly.

I wanted this to work out. It had to work out, after everything Grace and I have gone through. These should be the most exciting times for us, and we are both unknowingly making them the most challenging times. Making the decision to leave Korea was my choice, regardless whether or not Grace wanted the same things as me. It just so happen she did, and here we are now nearly two years later, engaged, with Maki on the way. I just want the best for all of us, and I know Grace does too.

“Jamie,” Kerri said to me, which snapped me out of my thought. “Have you considered that perhaps Grace made this decision on behalf of both of you because it’s actually the better in the long run for the both of you?”

“She did mention that the space she was looking at was closer to family, considering our hands will be full when Maki arrives.” Grace smiled at me. It seemed like she was happy that I listened to what she said when she first told me. I was just so caught up thinking the absolute worst. “I said what I said out of fear that Grace didn’t want…this.”

“Of course I want this,” Grace said as she reached for my hand. “I want every up and every down that this journey has for us.” She let out a deep breath, swallowing hard. “I shouldn’t have said that you were only benefitting from our decisions. Clearly, we wouldn’t have made it if one of us didn’t want this.”

“This is good work,” Kerri commented. “How about we change perspectives about these life and career decisions by allowing each other to plead their case. What would you both get out of this decision being made? Are they ultimately catered to one person over the other?” Kerri looked at Grace, prompting her to start. “Grace, you go first.”

“Well,” Grace began to say, trying to get her words together. “The academy is a family-owned business. My aunt had the academy in that same space for decades, and it worked out for her vision but I wanted more out of the academy. The space I found for the academy would be closer to my parent’s house; that way if any emergencies occur in real life, someone is close by to the academy.”

“What made you not include Jamie in this decision?” Kerri asked.

“I didn’t want to overwhelm him with more things,” Grace answered. Aigoo, Grace. “He’s had so much on his plate with me, Maki, his own career… I truly thought this could’ve been something that I dealt with for the sake of our future after feeling like…”

I looked over at Grace. After feeling like what?

“… I haven’t been a part of the decisions regarding us. I allowed Jamie to make them because I was too afraid to tell him what I wanted.”

“Jagiya,” I finally called her by her pet name, gripping her hand in mine. “Tell me what you want.” All I wanted was for Grace to tell me what she wanted unapologetically. I just wanted to hear her say what she wants out loud not for validation, but just confirmation that in the end, she wants me just as much as I want her.

“I want to feel a part of the process,” Grace finally said. “This is truly my second chance at a life I knew I always wanted. I want my career, and I want my family. I want Willow, I want Maki, and I want you.” It felt euphoric to finally hear her say it out loud.

“And it’s okay to want both,” Kerri added. “It’s about balancing them out, and to be not afraid to ask for help with one when the other gets overwhelming.” Grace let out a deep breath, rubbing the top of her thighs with her hands. Kerri looks at me now. “The same goes for you too. Part of making things better for your relationship is to be openly honest about what you’re struggling with. You can only give so much to Grace if you’re not able to take care of yourself. It’s okay to not be okay; what’s not okay is pretending that it’s not.”

…

“Nonna, why wouldn’t you book the hotel before getting the plane ticket,” I said to the phone leaning on my shoulder as I start getting ready for class this afternoon. “We can’t house all of you in the apartment–” I hear the kettle on the stovetop ring, in which I ran out of the room to turn it up. “Mina, I know eomma doesn’t want to stay at the hotel but–” I shut my eyes tightly, feeling immensely stressed out. I look up to the ceiling before I looked back down, noticing Grace was now in the kitchen. “I have to go; I’ll call eomma later today; if not, tomorrow.” I hang up the phone and let out the deepest sigh. Grace walked to me and gently held my cheek with her hand.

“Jagiya–“

“Ya,” Grace interrupted, smiling. “You go to your class, and I’ll call Mina back.”

“You don’t have to–“

“Hey,” Grace scolded me, ultimately silencing me. “I got this.” She gave me a reassuring smile before she handed me my bag for work.

“Thank you,” I said, kissing her on her forehead.