It was the first time that I was spending the night alone in the apartment with Maki. It was also the first night that Maki didn’t cry out for Grace; it was like she could sense that her mom wasn’t coming back home tonight. Aigoo, no kid should be able to sense that.
I sat in the living room with Maki in my arms, bottle-feeding her before putting her down for the night. I can’t help but think this was Grace’s favorite time of day; she would normally be the one sitting in this exact chair, feeding Maki as she stared intently at her. In a way, I can see why it was her favorite time of day. There was something about Maki calmly sucking the nipple of the bottle while looking up with sleepy eyes that made me feel calm sitting here. My mind was racing a mile a minute, but something about Maki made time slow down just a little.
Grace left the tasting shortly after our argument. For once, I didn’t feel the need to stop her, or beg for her to listen to me when she didn’t want to. I love Grace, but there are things about her that I personally can’t stand that she does; one of them being her running away when the discussion starts becoming too real for her.
I sighed as I slowly rocked Maki in my arms. “Maki-ya,” I softly said, looking down at her. “What am I going to do with your eomma?” Maki cooed loudly as if she was answering me back. I couldn’t help but smile at her. These were the moments I dreamt of when Maki came into the picture. I just wish that Grace was here experiencing them with me.
Maki looked up at me with her big, brown eyes. I wiped her mouth with her bib, cleaning her face of milk residue from the bottle. “Jalhaesseo; good job!” She smiled as she moved around in my arms. I wonder what were the thoughts going through her head right now.
“I know you’re too young to understand me,” I began to say out loud, as if Maki was old enough to listen to me. “But thank you for being such a good girl tonight. I know you prefer eomma than appa, but–” Before I could continue with my train of thought, Maki coos loudly. I looked down, hoping it wasn’t the beginning stage of her crying out for Grace. Not tonight, aegi-ya.
To my surprise, she just lays there, looking up at me like I’m the most fascinating thing she’s seen today. It made me smile. “You like looking at appa?” She smiled with a little extra spit coming out of her toothless mouth. Nae ma-eum. My heart.
I smiled, then quickly went deep into thought. “I wish eomma was here with us tonight. And Willow-unnie; all she does is talk about you whenever we pick her up from Uncle Max and Aunt Mariam’s house. You’re lucky to have Willow as your big sister…you’re lucky to have Grace as your eomma. You know how much she loves you? Sometimes too much…”
Maki begins getting a little fussy in my arms, which begins to worry me. “Ya, Maki,” I said as I got up, standing now with her in my arms. I bounce in place, hoping that it helps calm her down. “I see eomma doing this when you start getting a little too tired.” Maki begins to calm down a bit, her face wet with her little tears. I took my thumb and wiped away her tears. “It’s okay…”
“It’s okay,” I said to Grace, wiping the tears off her cheeks with my thumbs. “This isn’t the end of our story, jagiya.” We stood outside of the academy; the one that Grace ran since the production ended in Ulsan a few weeks ago. She smiled before stepping back, wiping her own tears now with the sleeve of her jacket.
“How do you know for sure?” she asked.
“Because we have so much life left to live,” I smiled as I tell her. “We still have to get married and have kids one day.” Grace laughed, all while tears fell down her face.
“But you’re leaving,” Grace mentioned; her face looking sullen. “Like going back home type of leaving.” This would be the first time in years that I was going back to Korea while being in a relationship with Grace. I was simply going back to gather a couple of things from my old place. Still, Grace was nervous. I couldn’t blame her for thinking otherwise if all she knows about me leaving out of New York was the potential of never getting to see me again.
“But I’m coming back,” I reassured her. “All I’m doing is cleaning the last of my apartment, and then I’m on the first flight back to America.”
“You promise? You’re not just saying that just to make me feel better, right?” Grace asked. She looked up at me with tears filled in her eyes as they slowly drop down her face. It broke my heart seeing her not believe in my words this time.
“I promise,” I said as I kissed her forehead. I looked down at her and smiled. “You’re stuck with me for life.”
…
The doorbell rang and rang for multiple minutes, which made me run from off of the couch and toward the door, answering it immediately. I was shocked to see who was at the door.
“Skylar?”
“Where is she?!” Skylar demanded, entering the apartment. “Where the hell is she?”
“Shhh,” I quickly said to Skylar. “Maki is sleeping in the other room–“
“Did Grace come back here?” Skylar interrupted me to ask.
“What?”
“Did she come back home?” she asked, now emphasizing her question. I was confused already, and I felt my heart already coming out of my body.
“No, she hasn’t been home all day; she said she was going to her parent’s house–“
“Yeah well she never made it over there,” Skylar spat out, ripping the bandage off from the situation. “No one has been able to get in contact with her.” My heart immediately suck to the pit of my stomach, and the initial wave of anxiety is now full-blown panic as the seconds pass. I couldn’t think straight, I couldn’t see straight.
“Jamie–“
“I haven’t spoken to Grace since the tasting,” I admitted, hating that her family was about to become involved in our business.
“That was last night,” Skylar pointed out. “What the hell happened last night?”
“Nothing,” I quickly dismissed. “Grace and I had a disagreement and she insisted she would stay with her parents to cool off.”
“This is Grace for fuck’s sake! She doesn’t know the meaning of ‘cooling down’!” Skylar shouted out. At this time, I could hear Maki cry in her room, which made Sky hold her mouth tightly, forgetting that Maki was even here to begin with. “Fuck–“
“Ya” I simply replied, powerwalking to Maki’s room to get her. I walked out back to the common area where Sky was; this time holding a distressed Maki in my arms.
“I am so so sorry,” Skylar said as she facepalmed herself.
“Did you try Bernie’s on Madison? The cafe?” I asked while trying to get Maki to stop crying.
“Shawn had mentioned that was you guys’ place, but the owner said he hadn’t seem Grace there all day.” Aigoo. I looked down at Maki as she cried, simply too tired to be awake and Grace nowhere near to comfort her. For the slightest moment, I think about handing Maki over to Skylar. Jaemin, aniya. You are her father; act like her father.
“Maki-ya,” I said, rocking her in my arms. Maki couldn’t stop crying, and I was growing anxious as time passed. “It’s okay–“
“God, what if something bad happened to her?” Skylar nervously said. “What if she’s at some bar now drinking and breaking her sobriety–“
“Skylar,” I sternly said, looking at her. I wasn’t about to have her talk bad about Grace, especially after all that she’s been through these last couple of years. “Have some faith in Grace, will you?” Skylar doesn’t say anything back; she simply paces back and forth in the apartment. Nervous runs in the Ashmore family. “Where’s Shawn?”
“He’s back at the house just in case Grace shows up there,” she said, finally standing in place to talk to me. She looks at Maki in a quick glance. “She wouldn’t just leave Maki behind.”
“She wouldn’t, which is why we need to calm down,” I reassured her, sitting her down on the couch. Maki continued to cry as I tried bouncing her on my lap. Skylar watched without saying anything; a rarity from her. Maki began to ease a little bit as I continued to bounce her on my lap.
“I worry about her. Growing up with Grace was tough,” Skylar began to say, looking at Maki. “She never listened to anyone. She thought she had all the right answers and even when she didn’t, she never told anyone she was struggling.”
“Grace and I…” I began to say, which immediately made Skylar look up at me now. “It’s been hard having to juggle life and Maki on top of the wedding planning and…” I sighed before continuing. “Grace has been keeping things to herself. I know she’s been struggling with everything going on.”
“I just wish she’d speak the fuck up instead of just hiding it,” Skylar commented, now seeming annoyed. “Especially now. Like, she went through so much with Willow and Max; why would she do the same things that isolated her in the first place?” Because that’s all she ever knew.
“Sky, can you do me a huge favor and stay here with Maki?” I asked. It was the last thing I wanted to do, but Grace and I promised that we would not put either Willow or Maki in the middle of our issues. “I know where to find Grace.”
“Of course,” Skylar said, holding out her arms. I transferred Maki into Skylar’s arms before leaning in to kiss her on her tiny forehead.
“Be good for Skylar-imo,” I said to Maki, smiling at her. “I’ll be back with eomma.” I looked up at Skylar before throwing on a light jacket. I grabbed my keys and ran out the front door.
…
I unlocked the front door with the key Grace had left in the try near the door. She insisted that I’d put the spare key on my set, just in case anything happened and I needed access to the academy. I walked into the space in the middle of renovation. To my surprise, one of the rooms in the back had electricity, and the light was turned on. It was a long shot, but knew that Grace was back there.
I walked towards the back door and looked through the window. There was Grace, standing in the middle of one of the studio rooms dancing to music playing on her phone. I smiled and let out a sigh of relief. If there was one thing I knew about Grace, it would be that she would always find a way back to her roots. She would find a way to be the little girl in Virginia again that had no worries besides dancing.
I knocked on the door, which did startle Grace at first. She jumped up and looked at the window. She exhaled, walking toward the studio door to unlock it.
“Jamie,” Grace said as she opened the door. “Where’s–“
“She’s back at the house with Skylar,” I immediately answered. “We promised to keep her out of this.” Grace didn’t fight back; she knew who I was talking to. “Where have you been all day?”
“Here,” she answered, followed with a sigh. “I didn’t want my parents knowing we were fighting.” Aigoo, to make her think that we were fighting was heartbreaking. “I just came here to clear my mind.”
“Can we talk?” I asked, looking down at her. “We can talk here or at the cafe, or–“
“I didn’t want Maki to see me like this.” I tilted my head, confused at her statement.
“See you like what?”
“Stressed. Upset. Broken,” Grace began naming things out. “She looks up to me whenever she cries. She looks at me and just…feels like I’m one of the safest places in the world.”
“That’s because you are,” I said, sympathizing with her. Grace didn’t give herself enough credit; she was an amazing mom to Willow and Maki, an amazing dancer to many, and an amazing person to me.
“But I’m not,” she argued back. “I’ve tried so hard to not become the things I fear the most, but ultimately ended up becoming that exact person–“
“You have to give yourself some grace,” I commented back. “You have to remember that you are also all new to this too. We both are new to this.”
“But you’re not spiraling out of control, or just living just to survive–“
“Who says?” I interrupted. “Just because you don’t see it, it doesn’t mean that it’s not happening.” Grace looked up at me with watery eyes. She shook out her hands, as if she was trying to release the tension from her body.
“Does that make me a bad person? Not being able to see it?” Grace asked with a shaky breath. I could see just how much of our interaction at the tasting triggered some of the issues she found herself struggling with. I could finally see just how much doubt Grace carried since Maki was born. I could finally see the things that I wasn’t able to see before, and deep down I hate that it took us this long to finally say something to each other.
“No,” I simply answered, trying to reassure her. She didn’t say anything after that, but I could see the bit of relief releasing from her body. I hate that she does that; her response being monitored by the way I react.
“Is Sky losing her mind looking after Maki?” she finally asked. I smiled back.
“I’m telling you, jagiya, Shawn is just waiting for Sky to give him the green light towards Babyville.” Grace laughed, rolling her eyes playfully. I felt a sense of relief coming out of my body; the tension leaving along with it.
Grace sighed before she said anything. “Can we go home and spend the rest of the night with Maki?” She asked.
“Of course,” I answered with a smile.
…
I opened the front door of the apartment and immediately see Skylar laid out on our couch. Grace was the first to walk into the apartment to check on her.
“Sky?” Grace said, looking down at the couch. Skylar sat up from the couch, rubbing her face with the palm of her hands.
“Grace?” Skylar said in a groggy voice. She turned her head and looked up at Grace, slapping her on her arm.
“Ouch!” Grace said, holding the place she got hit at. “The hell was that for?”
“You need to stop running away from your damn issues and work them out with Jamie!” Skylar shouted in a whisper. “You’re so lucky Maki is sleeping in the other room or else I would’ve ripped you a new one.” She looked at me next. “You gotta stop being a wuss with Grace and give her a taste of her own medicine. You two are going to send me to an early grave.” She got up from the couch and walked to the chair where her things were.
“Was Maki okay while we were gone?” I asked, hoping to change the subject. She turned around and gave us the look. Aigoo. “I guess she–“
“She totally knows that she’s super cute and gets everything she wants; she just likes to test to see how far people’s love is for her,” Skylar put on her jacket and turned around to finally face us. “Definitely Grace’s kid.” Grace rolled her eyes as she walked her to the front door.
“Thanks for watching her,” Grace said to Skylar. She turned around to look at Grace; her demeanor completely changed.
“Of course; she’s my niece,” Skylar answered as she smiled at Grace. Thankfully, the two of them hug it out as they said their goodbyes.
