You are the first graduating class of the new decade, which already makes you a unique class. Unfortunately, this pandemic has also made you unique in ways that many others who are in line to graduate will probably not experience.
I think about my last graduation, which was in 2018. I was graduating with my master’s degree, and after two hard years of getting through that process, graduation day was the one thing that kept me going. The thought of putting my cap and gown on and celebrating with my family and other classmates in the program was the thing that made me determined to finish up my studies and get that degree. So it saddens me that this class of 2020 doesn’t have that thought to get them through these hard times of COVID-19.
Our public school graduates are not going to have the various senior activities like they’re supposed to. There’s no senior class trip, senior spirit week, prom, or graduation. There’s nothing rewarding of their hard work; it’s simply one last assignment and bam, congrats, you graduated. I can only hope that in some way, schools are doing something special for their graduates, but the fact of the reality is that it’s just not smart to try to do anything in person, and that’s the sad part. It’s discouraging, and it makes you feel like your hard work went to waste.
Don’t let this pandemic take that away from you. Don’t allow not going out to celebrate influence you not celebrating at all. Celebrate with your friends on video chat. Have a celebratory drink, college grads! Throw a FaceTime prom with your friends, public school grads! Be creative and take back the excitement that you had for your graduation year, and remain positive during a tough time like this.
If no one has told you guys this due to the worries of COVID-19, then let me say it: CONGRATS TO YOU GUYS, YOU FUCKING MADE IT AND I’M PROUD OF YOU ALL! I think of this year’s MA grads from the program I came from; some of them were in the class I TA’ed for when they first started out so they hold a special place in my heart! Please take this time to be so proud of yourself and let the negativity go somewhere else because it doesn’t belong in your parade!
Sophomore in high school, huh? That’s exciting. You finally know your way around the school, you have a couple of friends you like a lot, you’re settling into your own and gaining adventures that you thought you would never have. There’s even a boy in the picture. Ain’t so innocent anymore, huh girl? It seems like life is going pretty well for you, and I’m glad that it is – new environments and surroundings aren’t going to be easy for you to adapt to later on in your life for personal reasons.
Nevertheless, you look happy on the outside. You look like you’re living your best fucking life, and you deserve every part of it. I wish I could tell you to be careful, that life is going to hit you hard very soon, and this version of you will be long gone. Your insecurities will begin to show out in ways you can’t control. You’re going to start putting your self-worth because you’re afraid of losing the people you love the most. You’re going to lose yourself in this newfound puppy love you got going on and not going to notice you’re going to hurt a lot of people around you. Your junior high school friends are not going to understand where your pureness and innocence went after you tell them you lost your virginity one day during Spring Break. Your life is going at full speed, and while you think you have it under control, you are lying to yourself. You feel guilty for losing some important parts of yourself.
I’m telling you that it’s normal to feel that way. You are growing up, you’re now in a different boat than when you were a kid, and you’re not going to stay the same forever. I some way, you’re leaving your childhood behind, entering the teenage territory and although we’ve always been late-bloomers in our milestones, we are always worried that we are losing ourselves in the process of growing. Although you don’t believe this because you just deem yourself as a one-dimension person that tries to match the image that people have of you, you always had a soul, and sometimes the soul does things without telling us or letting us know that major things are happening. I’m 26 and I’m just learning that myself, girl.
So even though you are listening to the people who are telling you that you changed for the worst and those same people are going to be in your life even when you’re in your early 20’s, you did nothing wrong, you just started growing up.
Also, I know you’re comparing yourself to every girl at your school. Are you pretty like them? Are you as interesting as them? Why isn’t the boy you spent the whole summer with like a goddamn romance movie not calling you his girlfriend and someone else? Are you too fat for people to live you? Why am I so fucking invisible in this school, yet people only know me as “the sophomore whose best friend is the most popular senior in the school”? Why aren’t you the person that was enjoying her life the way she was just months before? These thoughts, these negative and false truths you believe are also normal to have. You feel awkward, you feel like you’re just an ugly girl with bad chin acne and two eyebrows that are almost married (which btw, we don’t have anymore, but we barely got eyebrows to begin with). What isn’t normal is allowing these thoughts to dictate how people treat you. You are not the second choice, you are not “the devil’s child”, you are not wild and easy and not important. Of course, at 16 you don’t see these things, but girl, let me tell you something: you will simply not care as you get older. You’ll love your body one day.
Even more so, you’re going to love the person you become. Sure, it’s going to take a couple of bumps in the road and a whole lot of darkness to finally see it, but if there’s one thing that hasn’t changed about you is your heart. You love so fucking hard, you’re kind and genuine, and you are real. Girl, a person that I’ve only been friends with for a couple of months called me a sweetheart and a great friend. We never thought we could be those things, but we can and those things never change.
So yeah, you’re having some wild, spontaneous puppy love adventures. You’re performing with your school choir possibly three times a month at different venues and winning awards for it. You’re going to get your heart broken a couple of times and find comfort in the same sex (which isn’t the end of it, missy). You’re still going to do things with the kindness of your heart and well, the worst is yet to come, girl.
So when you think that the world is better off without you or that you don’t have any love or support from the people you care about the most, remember that it’s now 2020, and I’m writing to you to let you know that yeah, we’re not living our dreams living out of the state and we’re not rich with our career choice, but that we’ve grown much over the course of the decade and, well, that counts towards something even bigger than the materialistic things in life.
You have a bright future ahead of you, even though I know you don’t always think that. Listen to me, girl; I’ve already lived your next ten years of it.
So, the other day I was talking to my friend, Anthony, and he was telling me that he’s been at his current job at the college we work at for about two years. In retrospect, it made me think just how fast time truly flies; two years ago, I graduated grad school with my MA, and shortly after my graduation, I was officially diagnosed with social anxiety disorder (SAD).
Actually, it was on this day two years ago.
Living with a social anxiety disorder wasn’t the easiest thing at the beginning. For most of my summer in 2018, I tried to familiarize myself with my anxiety and tried to understand what it meant for me. Anxiety, especially on the clinical level, looks different for a lot of people, which meant that my case wasn’t going to look like the next person who deals with SAD as well. I spent that summer fearing my anxiety. I was having anxiety attacks like crazy, and I was starting to get anxiety about having anxiety. In many ways, it was affecting my ability to keep the relationships in my life balanced and healthy; it was something I had to introduce to a group of people who never heard the words” I have social anxiety disorder” come out of my mouth.
It took a lot of therapy and various tries of medication to finally embrace the fact that I deal with this level of anxiety. Although it does not define me, it plays a major role in my life. At the beginning, it was hard to explain this newfound thing to others without it sounding like my anxiety was a burden, but it was in the early stages of it. I’ve had anxiety attacks, I was afraid of leaving my house, I was losing myself after I graduated grad school, and I felt alone during the process.
I’ve tried various things to help gain back control of my body, and one of them was writing a letter to my anxiety and eltting it know that I am my own body, and my anxiety doesn’t dictate what my body does. It took a really long time and a lot of soul searching to finally come to terms with that. SAD is just something I have, not who I am.
Having SAD meant that I wasn’t great at meeting new people and going out to social gatherings. In the few social gatherings I attended before therapy, I would get extremely nervous and panicky and then come home and just cry in embarrassment. It happened once. After getting therapy and starting to reflect on my patterns and behaviors, I’ve made it a mission to start going out some more, make new friends in the process, and stop living my life in fear of everything.
Last year, I was able to get a retail job at my college’s bookstore, having to interact with students and be in customer service was a whole new challenge for my anxiety, but it was surprisingly something I adapted to relatively quick. To some extent, I even became good at talking to students and customers and interacting with them to the point that I even made a friend with one of the regulars that come into the store! Also, I was able to build friendships with my co-workers and unapologetically be myself without feeling like I was being judged.
In hindsight, my SAD has made me do some self-reflection and it’s required me to take the time out of my life to finally deal with the things I kept pushing to the back of my head and ignoring it. It’s been a lot of work, but two years later I’m at a place where I’ve been doing better than I’ve been in the last couple of years.
I’m finally at a place in my life where I feel like I’ve gained the peace I’ve been looking for since I was 21. I feel like I have such a better understanding of myself and my own behaviors that it’s been a while since my anxiety did something to make me feel fearful or worried. Sure, every now and then I get mini attacks; the last one was on my first night in Florida a couple of months ago but it was nothing too serious.
So, here’s to see how much growth year three has in store for me. I hope that this time next year that I’m making even bigger and better moves, and that I face more challenges to encourage my growth. SAD is just something that travel with me daily and comes out whenever I need the extra caution but other than that, I got that bitch under control.
I created this blog for a space of positivity and an escape from the negative things happening around us constantly during these times. As a writer, I feel like half of my job is to provide content for people who need that mental escape for just a couple of minutes, whether it’s to read some creative writing scenes about characters living different types of lives, to discovering some new music and genres, or relating to some of their inner struggles with some of mine that we might share. Whatever type of content brings you some peace for just a moment or two, I hope Letters From Liz creates that for you.
With that being said, the other half of my job is to use my platform to speak out on the important things and yes, use my white privilege to speak out for those who can’t do so without their lives immediately being in danger by authority.
On May 25th, 2020, George Floyd, an unarmed Black man, died under police custody in Minneapolis. He was pinned to the ground by Police Officer Derek Chauvin; his knee was on George Floyd’s neck for 8 minutes and 46 seconds. In that time, he claimed that he couldn’t breathe, and died because he couldn’t breathe. Another white police officer taking the life of another unarmed person of color for no fucking reason, and the justice system doing little to nothing about it.
To make matters worse, protests all around the country have been going on once the video of George Floyd went viral this past week. These protests while some peaceful and others (by white people) were destroying property, police officers were quick to shut down the peaceful ones; one in particular took place just 30 minutes from where I live in NYC.
Yesterday, people gather around the Barclay’s Center in Brooklyn to protest their rights and have their voices. In the videos taken, police officers were brutally using force to break things up; night sticks being used as weapons, tossing people off of bikes and stone platforms in the area, trying not giving a fuck about anything or anyone’s safety but their own.
This narrative of “white cop killing unarmed black person” is one that should’ve ended years ago. Too many people of color have been tragically murdered in the hands of authority. Too many people of color were just living their lives as normal as possible moments before they were killed by police. Walking home from the corner store. Walking outside of their own home. Sleeping in their own home. These innocent people of color killed for being innocent civilians. And no, selling CDs and cigarettes doesn’t equal murder, not when we have white people shooting up schools and churches and again innocent people of color just because they are fucking racist white supremacist sons of bitches NOT having the same level of punishment or any punishment at all. I think about all these outcomes from these heinous murders with little to no consequence. Not arrested, charges against person dropped, killers just living their lives as normal as possible. But let it be a person of color just simply enjoying the nice weather that we’re having, and they don’t know if their lives will be taken next by the hands (and weapons) of police officers. It’s fucking disgusting and there needs to be more outrage from more people, not from just people of color, but from white people who have white privilege. Those whose lives are more secure than people of color.
We are all tired and fed up having to share another innocent POC’s name on social media. We are all tired watching the gruesome videos online, of people getting shot 41 times for no reason, bleeding out, dying for the world to see. We are all tired hearing the stories of how these innocent POCs were just carrying on with their lives and these officers who BEEN KNOWN TO USE EXCESSIVE FORCE IN THE PASTgetting second chances. As a white person, I fear for the safety of my POC friends, their families and their friends and worry one day, God forbid, it’s their names going viral on social media. I’m speaking for those whose voices are silenced by stereotypes and white supremacist with horrible, dumbfounding, racist perspectives on life. I’m speaking because although my appearances labels me as white, half of my family who are fully Latino/a have been racially profiled, sent to prison for minor inconveniences, and whose stereotypes have been targeted by entitled, racist white people.
I’m tired of hearing nothing but injustice for these families, friends, and for the POC community. This needs to stop.
Speak out loud, be the barrier for these POC lives, amplify their lives because they fucking matter.
Another month has passed, and another one is around the corner. I’m telling you, it was just March the other day, and now we are entering Summer territory. Honestly, I’m not completely ready for the hot weather just yet, but she’s coming, so let’s get through it, y’all!
In the meantime, let’s talk about this last month! How was everyone’s May like? Are you slowly getting back into the swing of things after these last two months? Hopefully, wherever you are in the world, you are adjusting in a healthy way and taking it one day at a time!
So, without further ado, let’s talk about some highlights and favorites that happened in May!
Highlights:
1.) I submitted (and got accepted with revisions on) my first-ever academic journal article!
A while back, I promised myself in the future that when I publish my thesis in a journal in the future, I would then publish my actual MA Thesis on the blog, where everyone can read it. Well, it’s happening! At the beginning of the month, my mentor Ro and I submitted our article for the Journal of Basic Writing, a CUNY-based academic journal based at Kingsborough Community College. We’ve been actively working on submitting something for them within the last year, but with our busy schedules and such, we finally found that we could do so during the COVID-19 quarantine. We literally wrote our 25-paged article in two weeks; one week if you count that full draft being finished by then. Anyway, we submitted it and then two weeks later, we’re in! Ro and I just ave a couple of more revisions to make and we go back into review within the next month. If anything, this article may make its debut in their Fall 2020 issue or Spring 2021; depending on how long it takes to get it where they would like it to me. This journey has definitely made me see what I want for my future, so I’m glad that I just got a little taste of what being in this field means.
2.) Victon’s 2nd Single Album, “Mayday” Comes Out Next Week!
On the day I’m writing this, Victon announced that on June 2nd, they were making a comeback as a gift to the fans and of course, I’m so fucking excited. Although it’s only been 3 months since their 6th Mini Album Continuous came out, it felt like it was too soon for another whole ass album came out, so I’m glad that even though it’s a comeback, it’s a simple single album. Of course, I immediately pre-ordered the single album in advance because I’m Victon trash, we know, so I’m excited to recieve it in the mail next month and most likely add it to my June 2020 favorites because… let’s face it: it will.
I told myself I wouldn’t buy any more albums until Victon or ITZY (or until Seungyoun makes his debut in June!) had future comebacks, yet here I am. Y’all. This album as a whole is a certified banger. I spoke briefly about these boys in this post, but to summarize who they are, they are Starship Entertainment’s new boy group. They debuted back in April and although I immediately enjoyed the tracks on the album, I hesitated buying a physical album. But, I want to fucking stan this group. These boys are so fucking talented and their sound just slaps so fucking hard. While I’m getting to know this group a bit better during my time off (don’t worry; Victon will forever be my favorites), I still wanted to add their album to my collection because I promised myself I’m only buying albums of other groups IF I love the album as a whole… I might be a bigger shelf in the future…
2.) Everything (and anything) Seungsik Related
If I didn’t express my obsession with Seungsik on here, then here we go – this last month I’ve been on a Seungsik binge. Sure, he’s my bias within Victon, but when I tell you of all the Seungsik shit I purchased because I just needed it in my life, it’s insane.
For those who may not know, Kang Seungsik (강승식) is the main vocalist and now the permanent leader of Victon. It’s funny because when I started to watch and get to know Victon as a group, he always seems to have that leader energy, in many ways his leadership skills reminded me a lot of another leader in a Kpop group, TWICE’s Jihyo. When Seungwoo was promoting with X1, the group decided to vote Seungsik has the temporary leader and once Seungwoo returned from the project group, Seungwoo would take back his role. Well after the sudden disbandment of X1, Seungwoo returned to Victon but decided against taking the leader position back and voted for Seungsik to remain the group leader. Besides his leadership skills, he has one of the sickest vocals in the industry, and I hope his talents become better known while the group is getting the attention they deserve. I love the group, but Seungsik holds a special place in my heart.
Let her blow up in our music industry! I cannot express just how much of a gem this album is as a whole! I love discographies that feature all different types of music genres, and this album flawlessly does that. I first heard of her on Instagram through an… edit of Seungwoo by Sekuromiand instantly had to find out what the song was playing in the video! (Of course, I had to add that hot as hell edit to my saved junk on my Instagram first though! Sidenote: I’m totally living my Kpop dream like I’m 15). Anyway! I wanted to know the title of this song because this song gave me an early 2000’s pop-vibe, and anything that makes me feel nostalgic like that needs to be added on my playlist. Oh! The song is “XS“, by the way. If you truly like experimental artists that play around with different sounds, I totally recommend Rina Sawayama! Stan her y’all!
4.) 이불 킥 (English Translation: “Blanket Kick”)
Y’all. This weekly radio show from Seungwoo & Seungsik is the cutest thing ever. So, every Tuesday starting last month, NOW. Korea, a radio station, airs a weekly radio show called “이불 킥” (Blanket Kick, which is slang for when you’re laying down and you remember something embarrassing and “kicks the blanket” off). Seungwoo and Seungsik will be the fixed hosts for this radio show, and although their time zone is a whole ass half-day ahead of us and I’m still sleeping when they actually go on air, I follow a channel on YouTube that translates their hour-long show in English for International Alices. Bless that person’s heart. We appreciate you. Because my top two biases in this group are Seungwoo and Seungsik and their SeungSeung Chemistry is untouchable, I instantly became addicted to their show. Every week they tell stories that the viewers send in on that week’s topic, they tell some stories of their own, joke around, be themselves, sing a couple of songs with the karaoke machine; typical Victon shit. Still, as a “2Seung Enthusiast”, I live for their chemistry and friendship. It’s funny because when Seungwoo was in X1, I pretty much liked the Seungs in that group as well [Seungyoun], so there must be something with the “승” prefix…
I know I’m always talking Kpop and my favorites are very Kpop related or music-related, but it’s honestly all I can indulge in during this time. Music makes me happy, Kpop does as well, and, well, I’m trash.
So, there’s something that’s been currently going around within the Kpop community that I wanted to discuss because, well, I’m very much a part of that community and I’ve been seeing non-stop discussions on this topic.
So, let’s just get straight into it: KPop has become one of the biggest genres of music in the last couple of years; with BTS making their ground-breaking debut in the U.S a couple of years ago to now having more and more Kpop groups exploring and touring for their international fans, it’s safe to say that Kpop is this huge thing now.
With that being said, the Kpop industry is so incredibly competitive now that it has become this huge thing around the world. The big entertainment agencies are competing to stay on top, while smaller agencies are hoping their groups within their agency make their company more well known. Sadly, some of these groups go unseen for years; one example is my favorite group, VICTON. They debuted as the third official act in the company; the first (I believe) was APink, then a solo artist that I can’t remember his name, then it was VICTON back in 2016. Because they come from such a small agency, they weren’t as successful as they should’ve been back then, and there were talks of them disbanding in 2018 after releasing their single album, Time of Sorrow. It was then Seungwoo and Byungchan went to Produce X 101 for one last chance and well, the rest is history.
It’s stories like that and the unfortunate stories of other Kpop groups that sadly disbanded due to lack of success that makes this story just a little bit more frustrating for me. So, let’s get to it:
Within the last month, there was a new “Kpop” group that debuted with their single, “Your Turn“. The Kpop group (and we’re saying Kpop as lightly as possible) goes by the name of Kaachi. Kaachi is a four-member girl group under FrontRow Entertainment; the members are Nicole, Chunseo, Dani, and Coco. The difference between this group and other Kpop groups is that this group is based in the United Kingdom and only one of the girls in the group is Korean. In other words, they are the first UK based Kpop group; westernized Kpop group.
People in the Kpop community are upset that this group exists. This project (from what I’ve seen) seemed to be quickly put together just so that their company can generate money out of a genre that wasn’t meant for them in the first place. These girls are talented and driven to be successful, but they don’t match up to the same level as rookie debut groups have these days. Their vocals aren’t sharp, the dancing is lackluster, and it doesn’t look like a professional girl group that debuted in the industry, but more so a school talent show performance performing their favorite Kpop song.
I don’t want to be harsh, but we got to call a spade and spade and talk about how wrong it is to appropriate a genre of music that was created and established in another country. In a sense, it’s like how white westernized artists are being criticized for dressing and performing music that comes from the Black community and makes it a trend or their own when it’s been underappreciated and misunderstood for decades.
For me, it’s even more than that. Being a fairly new Kpop stan in this community, I realized the difficult times these idols go through and just how different the standards are in that industry compared to ours in Westernized countries. In South Korea, you have to follow a certain lifestyle, maintain a certain weight, sacrifice their adolescent years, and train for years in hopes that their company sees them and thinks they are ready to debut in a group. That opportunity comes easy to some, but sadly most of these trainees (and even idols) never feel like they are enough, and that’s fucking sad despite how many people support and love them.
It’s just unfair to get four girls (who didn’t train with each other and had the line up for this group change a couple of times before debut) and create a Kpop group out of girls who don’t live in that industry 24/7. Sure, Kpop is just a genre of music, but the process behind the music is far more different than your typical music artist in westernized countries. I get that they are being experimental by trying to fuse the two sounds together, but with girls who are just “Kpop fans”; it doesn’t sit well with me. For them to just know basic Korean, be “Kpop fans” and interested in singing and dancing doesn’t qualify them to be Kpop idols.
I don’t wish bad on these girls and I know they aren’t the ones responsible for this, it’s the people who decide to put them together and produce their songs and just go on with this idea that it was going to work out. With the negative feedback the group received, the people who run the social media accounts disabled comments, masking the issues that the formation of this group brings into the industry.
Let’s cheer for the groups that are struggling to make it within the scene because their small agencies can’t afford to promote them properly on their own. Let’s cheer for the rookies that debuted and are worrying if their debut stage is going to be the last stage that they perform due to the lack of recognition in the industry. Let’s cheer for all of the trainees that are working hard towards their dreams of being a Kpop idol. Let’s not try to take away the hard work and dedication these people have for something “new” and “shiny” that isn’t right.
I wish nothing but success for these girls in Kaachi, but please – showcase your talents and passions in another way that not only strips away the integrity of the industry but also strips away your own identities.
During the time I’m writing this, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo announced that the state is expecting to reopen regions that meet the criteria starting May 15th. With the number of hospitalizations and deaths going down as of April 20th, we are expecting to try to “unpause” the city and state, in hopes that the worst is behind us and that we can all slowly go back to our daily lives with some now special guidelines until there is a vaccine to treat COVID-19.
While that’s great to hear and I believe all of us are excited to at least walk out of our houses without everything being closed and deserted, I believe this time away from society has taught us some valuable lessons about how we treat ourselves, treat each other, and just how much alike our basic wants and needs are in life.
We learned that in times like this, the only thing we could control during theses times is our physical and our mental health. The only thing we can do to make sure we are physically healthy is to continue following the rules mandated by our governors. Mentally, the only thing we could do is take care of ourselves and make sure we are practicing enough self-care to get us through the days. In the beginning, it was difficult for me to find the time and space that was just my own; being in my apartment with the rest of my family eliminated that needed time just for myself. But just like everything else in life, I found ways and adapted to what was happening around me. I found my quiet space with a pair of headphones and my writing. Whatever your quiet space is, embrace it and use it as long as you need to during this time.
We learned that the way we live from this day forward will be a little different than it was prior to this pandemic, and we have to accept it no matter what. If that means masks are now a part of the attire until scientists develop a vaccine for COVID-19, then it’s just something we should practice for the sake of our communities, and those we love most. In comparison to the last traumatic event to hit NYC, 9/11, the numbers of deaths surpassed the ones that we tragically lost 19 years ago, and that major event changed the world as we know it. This virus is changing the world as we know it, and remember it’s for the better.
Most importantly, we learned the importance of support and the relationships we have with the people in our lives. Normally, we’re all always on the go and busy with our lives; sometimes we forget to check on the people we love and care about the most! With this time, it’s so important to keep in touch with those people; we are all going through this tough time and we all need the little extra love and support from one another. Sooner or later, we will all be back seeing each other in person, enjoying each other’s company, and giving each other the biggest hugs we possibly could. That’s the one thing I truly miss about my daily routine with my friends!
We all learned a lot during this quarantine time; whether we used our time to be creative or to take care of ourselves by resting, we all learned that we are stronger than we think we are and that we will all get through this difficult time.
Letters From Liz. 