A Personal Blog.
I hate to admit this about myself because it’s such a toxic trait I have, but I have a bad habit of playing the role of victim when things go wrong.
I might’ve alluded to this in the past, but when I was younger (and even throughout my 20’s) I found myself becoming very defensive in confrontations, and even in situations where I was in the wrong I played the victim.
Hi, my name is Liz, and I play(ed) the victim.
Maybe it was embedded in me at a young age; I thought I could never do any wrong or hurt anyone on purpose and therefore I blamed my actions on the people around me. “Well, you made me do that; if you weren’t so mean to me then maybe I wouldn’t have done what I did.” “You’re the reason I self-harmed that night; what you did to me was so hurtful.” My teenage years sound a lot like that, and even though no one else had control of my actions and my decisions, I made them. Sure, people can influence your actions and decisions, but no one put a gun to my head and made me do anything. I did it because I either wanted to at the time and I allowed for it to happen.
But my toxic trait– the one I’m learning to reflect on and resolve– is that when I owe up to something, I seem to link it to an event or a reason from an outcome. As I think back, a lot of my arguments in my last relationship where I tried to explain my reasoning for something seem to be because of something else instead of just openly saying “I did this and I said that because I wanted to and I take responsibility for it.”
Of course, it’s not always so black and white like that. A lot of my bad decisions came from being in a bad place and being hurt by other people’s actions in the past. I’m not a saint; I do things to hurt those who hurt me first, and only because it takes so much to legitimately hurt me to the point where I’m willing to throw everything away and say fuck it, I’m hurting you back. It’s so fucking toxic, I know, but it’s the truth. Will I ever be able to not do that anymore? Maybe, and maybe not. Maybe it’s a defensive mechanism in me too deep-rooted to fix right away. At least I’m aware of it, right?
These days, I don’t try to play the victim anymore because it’s just unrealistic for me to try to obtain this perfect image. I’m only human and I’m bound to do some bad things to myself, to other people; it’s just the cycle of life. Of course, I can’t help but think if the “playing victim” thing is so embedded in me, that I don’t even realize that I do it. I worry that every time I try to tell my story or my truth, I sound like a victim. I sound like I need saving. I sound like people should feel bad for me.
The truth is, I don’t want people’s sympathy for my past anymore. I don’t the validation that my actions were justified because they weren’t. I also don’t need people to read my story and my truth on these posts and go, “well, damn, does she want us to really know all this sad shit? Is there a hidden agenda in the words that she writes on her blog?”
I write it for me. I write it to diffuse the negative energy behind my journey, not for a pity party.
The past version of myself, the one who tried so hard to obtain a certain image and level of perfection, would not tell you that she did things without thinking first. She would brag that she had the upper hand in a situation where she knew she was losing in. Everything was a damn competition to her because she was worried the people she loved would forget her, and even to this day this version of myself is afraid of being forgotten, but that’s another story for another blog post.
But what the past version of myself would tell you is that she felt like her voice and feelings were never heard. She found herself not speaking up for herself and prioritizing her feelings and whenever she tried to, people then threw it in her face that she was self-centered, inconsiderate, and always plays the victim.
So, it wasn’t a surprise when I began to get those comments again when I was finally practicing prioritization towards my feelings and speaking for myself in situations. And possibly that’s why I still feel like I’m always playing the victim when I spoke up and wrote down my stories.
It’s something I’m always worried about when telling my story to people who I meet and that I trust with my baggage. I have a really good friend, Anthony, that I pretty much get philosophical with every now and then, and sometimes when we discuss things like our past selves and our journeys, I’m always worried if I come off as playing the victim when telling my story. Either or, I just try to be honest with myself as much as possible and learn how to stick up for myself, but take responsibility for my own actions in the scenario.
You don’t gotta hate yourself for your toxic traits, just be aware and accept that you have them.
— Winter 2034 —
There is a blizzard going on one night in NYC. Snow is blowing sideways and the windows in the couple’s apartment is completely white. A man named Weston comes out of a room; he slowly closes the door behind him while holding a baby monitor in his hands. He takes a deep breath once he’s in the living room area; he’s exhausted and had a really long day taking care of his and his wife’s first born child, Grace. The dark circles and thinness of his face indicates it’s been days since he had a chance to take care of himself.
He walks over to the couch and looks at the clock on the wall; it’s nearly 4 o’clock in the morning and his wife still isn’t home. He’s exhausted, but he’s too angry to go to sleep. Weston has been trying to get a hold of his wife, Mollie, for the last three days; ever since Grace came down with a pretty bad cold. The first night he was so nervous, he took Grace to the hospital to get her checked out. The next two days, he got the hang of taking care of their 9-month-old baby without her help. Mollie’s inconsiderateness whenever she travels for her job has gotten worse once Grace was born and Weston has been taking note of it. Tonight was the night that Mollie would finally come home, and Weston has a lot to talk about with her when she does.
The sounds of keys hitting the front door is heard by Weston; he immediately looks up to the door. Mollie walks through the door with three bags covered in snow; Weston gets up to help her out. Once she’s settled in, Weston goes to sit back on the sofa.
Mollie: The snow is brutal out there, Wes! Thank god I was able to get a cab home before it got bad.
Weston: *indifferent* Yeah, you are.
Mollie doesn’t catch the hint, and continues to get herself out of the wet clothes from the snow. Once she comes out in a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie, she goes straight into the kitchen.
Mollie: *shouts from Kitchen* I’m glad you waited up for me to come home, babe!
Weston walks to the kitchen.
Weston: Our daughter is sleeping, Mollie.
Mollie: *puts a hand over her mouth* Oh, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to be so loud.
Weston: *snarky* Yeah, it’s not like it’s just us anymore.
Mollie looks at Weston with a mouthful of chips in her mouth. She doesn’t say anything to him.
Weston: Well, now that you’re here, I’m going to bed. See you in the morning, Mol.
Mollie: Wait, I just got home! Don’t you wanna stay up with me for awhile, ask how my trip was?
Weston looks back at Mollie.
Weston: I’ve been up for 24 hours straight taking care of our sick baby, so no. I don’t.
He turns back and walks into the bedroom. Mollie is dumbfounded and offended. She storms herself into their bedroom.
Mollie: What the hell is your problem, Weston?
Weston: *snappy* My problem is that I’m fucking exhausted and I want to get some sleep!
Mollie: I wasn’t born yesterday, I know you’re mad at me or something.
Weston turns around to face Mollie.
Weston: Oh, so you know that I’ve tried calling you for the last couple of days and still didn’t bother calling me back?
Mollie: I was working, Weston. I was busy.
Weston: Too busy to even check up on your family, goddammit!
Mollie is taken back by Weston’s aggression. She seen him angry before, but not this level of angry.
Mollie: Look, I’m sorry. I told myself I would call you back when I had free time. I just simply forgot to.
Weston: Of course you did, you’re Mollie Sue friggin’ Ashmore.
Weston begins to pull back the comforter from the bed until Mollie puts her hand on it to stop him.
Mollie: *angry* What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Weston: It means that you don’t think of anyone else besides yourself and your damn dancing career.
Mollie: That’s not true!
Weston: Oh tell someone who cares, Mol! How many times have you’ve been home since Grace was born? You’ll pick up every phone call that has to do with your career but God forbid I try calling you to tell you that our daughter is fucking sick and needed to go to the hospital.
Mollie: *yells* What the fuck was I supposed to do across the fucking world, Weston? Huh?
Weston walks around the bed towards Mollie. He’s now face-to-face with her, angry as ever.
Weston: I told you that our daughter is fucking sleeping, Mollie. If she wakes up, you’ll be going in there to put her back to sleep.
Weston turns around and walks away.
Weston: *to himself* That would be the most motherly thing you’ve done thus far if you did.
Mollie hears the comment and is fuming.
Mollie: How dare you, you son of a bitch.
Weston: Mollie, just face the facts! You didn’t want this life. You never wanted Grace and it shows. You found every excuse in the book to go back to work once Grace was born.
Mollie: I’m her mother goddammit, of course I want her!
Weston: *yells* Then fucking act like it!
Mollie flinches. Weston takes a deep breath in.
Weston: I’m sorry for yelling at you, but we have a serious issue on our hands, Mol.
Mollie: I’m sorry for not calling, Wes–
Weston: It’s not about the phone call. It’s about… this. Us. Our family.
Mollie stares at Weston, wondering where he’s going with this.
Weston: Mollie… Things haven’t been the same with you for awhile now. You seem like you’re lost half the time or unhappy being home. It’s like your body is here, but your mind isn’t.
Mollie: *deep breath* Weston… I-
Weston: And what makes it worse is that you act like Grace isn’t here. I get it, you’re still young and you wanna live out your 20’s like a 20-something-year-old, but we have responsibilities now. We are parents, Mol. It’s not just about us anymore.
Mollie: Weston, you don’t understand…
Weston: I do, Mol, I do. You don’t think I wanna be young and carefree too?
Mollie: If you think this is about me wanting to savor my youth, then that proves my point that you don’t fucking understand.
Weston: Then make me understand. Make sense how you were able to carry our daughter for nine months and act like a complete stranger around her.
Mollie: I wasn’t ready to be a mother yet, Weston! I’m still not ready to be one and she knows it! She already hates me, she does nothing but cry for you and love you and she just wants nothing to do with me and I understand why.
Weston: She’s a baby, Mol, she doesn’t hate you or know anything that you may be feeling…
Mollie: That doesn’t mean anything, she can still sense how much of a shitty mother I am and she’s right. I am a shitty mother because I wasn’t ready to be a mother!
Weston: And you think I was ready to be a father?! Mol, I had to put my career on hold for a bit in order to be there for Grace; you think I wanted to do that? No, but I needed to because I am her fucking father. She comes first now, everything I do is because of her!
Mollie grabs her head in frustration, she paces in a circle on one side of the bed. She can’t take it anymore.
Mollie: Just shut up already! Shut up!
A cry is heard on the baby monitor on the nightstand. Both parents look at it. Weston looks up at Mollie, then proceeds to leave the bedroom to assist to his daughter. Mollie sits on the edge of the bed for a bit, until she walks towards the doorframe of their bedroom and looks out. She sees Weston holding Grace while shhing her, bouncing her a little bit and whispering to her. She smirks at the sight; Weston is a natural and he’s going to be an amazing father for their daughter; anything more than she could be. The smile fades and she walks into the bedroom again.
Moments later, Weston walks into the bedroom. Mollie sits at the edge of the bed; her eyes trace Weston’s every step. Silence fills the room for the first time that night.
Mollie: You’re an amazing father, Weston.
Weston: *looks at Mollie* Thanks. She’s an amazing kid.
Silence. Mollie is speechless.
Weston: Listen, Mollie… we can’t be fighting like this and we can’t keep continue living the way we’re living. Grace is growing up, and sooner or later she’s gonna sense your absence. She’s gonna believe she’s the problem and I refuse for her to ever believe she was the reason you never were around.
Mollie: I’ll still be here, Wes, it’s just my job, my career–
Weston: Y’know, even after this whole conversation, you’re still worried about your damn career. I get it, you worked hard for it. I worked hard for mine too. But I know when to turn that off. You and this dance career… there’s no getting through you.
Mollie doesn’t say anything. Weston goes and sit’s next to Mollie. He takes a deep breath in.
Weston: Mollie, I’m tired. I’m tired of being the only one here taking care of Grace. She has two parents, not just one. I know you may just need some help getting into the swing of things, but it seems like you don’t even want to try, and that speaks volumes. I want what’s best for Grace and you should too, and that requires some sacrifices.
Mollie looks at Weston, and he looks at her.
Weston: Mol, you have to choose what your priorities are right now.
Mollie: I know, I know-
Weston: No. You don’t.
Mollie stares at Weston has he gets up from the bed and takes a deep breath while he’s in thought. He turns around and faces Mollie.
Weston: It’s either your family or your career. Pick one.
Mollie: *shocked* What? Are you out of your mind?!
Weston: No, Mol, I’m not. I’m not saying give up everything you worked for, I’m saying no matter what, your family comes first.
Mollie: That’s not fair, Weston! You can’t just expect me to choose one or the other on the spot, I–
Weston: *stern* It’s your family, or your career. Pick one.
Weston picks up his pillow from the bed and walks towards the bedroom door.
Mollie: Where are you going?
Weston: To the couch. Giving you your space for the night… Love you, Mol.
He walks out of the bedroom door and closes it behind him. Mollie doesn’t move.
Weston wakes up from the sound of Grace crying in her room. He quickly gets up and gets for from her crib.
Weston: Hey princess, you’re up earlier than usual *feels her forehead* no fever, that’s good!
He smiles at Grace and she smiles back. Weston is utterly in love with his daughter.
He takes her to the living room and places her in the playpen. He takes a deep breath and remembers he needs to talk things out with Mollie now that they both would be more calm after sleeping. Weston walks to the bedroom to check on Mollie.
Weston: *knocks* Mollie? Hey, you’re up yet?
He walks into the bedroom and sees that no one is in the room.
Weston: *panics* Mollie?!
Weston rushes out of the room and searches the apartment for Mollie. He checks the bathroom, the living room again, the kitchen; nothing. He picks Grace up from the playpen once she starts crying out for him; he walks to Grace’s room with her in his arms.
He sits down in the chair adjacent from her crib. His thoughts are everywhere: where did Mollie go? Did she go for a walk? To her mom’s house to think? Jennifer’s? Milo & Sophie’s? He had no idea where to look first.
When he looks around the room, he notices a big, fuchsia box with paisley design is under the crib. He gets up from the chair and places Grace back in the crib for a moment. Weston pulls the box from under the crib; there is an envelope on the top labeled, “Weston”.
He opens up the letter and begins to read it:
This letter is possibly one of the hardest thing I had to do, but I promise myself and to you that I would always be honest with you because you deserve it. I’m not on the right mindset. I feel lost and I feel like I’ve been nothing but a burden to you and Grace. She loves you, Weston, and as long as you love her unconditionally and give her the absolute world, that’s all that she needs in this life.
I will never regret having Grace, and I will always hold a special place in my heart for her. The way she makes you smile and makes you laugh and the connection you guys have is honestly something I envy for myself. I wish my own father loved me the way you love her. I’m grateful she gets to call you her dad, because you’re absolutely amazing at it.
I am not ready for the responsibilities of parenthood. I tried so hard to show Grace my love and caring nature and for me it did not feel genuine. It didn’t feel like I was her mother. I blame it on myself. I blame it on the fact that I will never feel like I’m a good person for the people in my life. To me, the best version of myself is when I’m dancing. The last time I’ve felt like myself was at the showcase where you brought Grace along with you. The sparkle in her eyes and her curiosity is something I’ll never forget.
You asked me to choose the life that I wanted to live. I chose the life that was right for me and for everyone else.
Weston, I only ask for two things: first, you hand this box to Grace on her 18th birthday. Not any later and not any sooner. This box is just everything I ever wanted to give her; the things that made me smile about her, my favorite memories with her within the past year, and the picture of Grace and I from the showcase. There’s a letter in there for her for when she turns 18.
Secondly, I want you to give her the best life she possibly can. She deserves the whole world. She deserves all the love she can possibly get because she’s a fucking gem in this world. She’s funny, she’s sweet, she’s already so independent and you two love each other to the moon and back. If anyone could love Grace the way she deserves to be loved, it’s you.
I’m so sorry, Weston. This decision isn’t the easiest to make, but I know I would not be the person you fell in love with if we continued to live the way we’re living. You and Grace will always hold a special place in my heart, and I will forever love you both, but I can’t be the person you want me to be.
I wish you both the best in life.
-Mollie
Weston puts the letter down and is shocked. He looks back into the envelope and sees another folded piece of paper. Divorce papers. Weston scrunches his eyebrows in anger; how long has she had these goddamn papers? He can’t move from the spot on the floor he’s sitting in. He looks through the crib bars and sees Grace playing with a toy without a care in the world. He instantly calms down and takes a deep breath.
Weston: It’s just you and me, babe.
Weston continues to sit there and watch grace play in her crib. Nothing moves, nothing is in a panic, he just sits there, looking at his daughter.
— The End —
Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz.
In the time I’m writing this, I’m going though some type of insecurity that I haven’t felt ever in my life. In some way, it’s a new insecurity of mine; it’s something that I couldn’t do in my past due to my circumstances and quite frankly this post alone contradicts the whole damn point of this month’s installment of:
I say this because as I’m about to write how much I want to hide myself from the world, here I am exposing myself to it and here I am writing my feeling about me not wanting to be an open book anymore.
June was a really weird month for me. I found myself going through a new wave of depression that usually comes around this time of year naturally. I get bad seasonal depression, and that season is the summer for me. It started to creep up on me once June hit and the hot weather was constant throughout the weeks, and for still being out of work during out due to the pandemic (I work at a college), I didn’t have that distraction that usually helps me focus on other things besides the things that I overthink about.
The constant thing that kept me happy was Kpop, specifically building my album and photocard collection. During this time to myself, I decided that I wanted to collect photocards (mainly Victon’s) and open my trading account to connect with other traders and sellers in this community. As I’m writing this, it’s been a week since I opened up the account and I’ve made more connections with people than I’ve done in last couple of months. It’s refreshing to talk to people about things that you like and that they also like and just building a connection off of that (of course, with selling and trading in the mix!) At first, I felt embarrassed wanting to be so involved in collecting; I was constantly being judged by those around me for “having a teenage hobby” and liking Kpop music, and I just began to feel that shame I felt about something that makes me happy all over again, like it was 2019 all over again.
And because of that, I more than ever want to stop sharing myself on here and on the internet because I’m tired of thinking what other people think of me and my interests and quite frankly, I was a lot happier just being on my corner of the internet, by myself, secretly liking the things I liked and that made me happy.
But, I run a blog off of my experiences and my thoughts and quite frankly this post is doing the exact thing I don’t want to do. I’m a writer, and I identity being a write before than being a woman.
Like, let’s cut to the bullshit and get straight to the point: I’m tired of the little comments and looks and questions about my interests from friends, family, and possibly those who follow me on any social media platform I’m active on. I’m tired of the eye rolls every time something with my name comes in the mail, I’m tired of the anxiety I feel whenever I talk about my interest and current hobbies with a smile on my face, and I’m quite frankly just tired of constantly playing the judgments again and again in my head because deep down inside I also think those same things about myself and feel them as well.
I’m tired of other people amplifying them for me.
It sounds so stupid and childish, sure; like it’s totally an issue that shouldn’t be called an issue. It’s the fact that my anxiety disorder is making it feel like it’s a huge problem. My anxiety loves to feed off of the judgments and comments from people, and although I wish I knew how to stop seeking approval or validation that I’m not these things that I think of myself, I still do, and my anxiety eats up anything negative towards the things that makes me happy, whether it’s people, my personality, my interest in Kpop music and collecting; whatever it is.
That anxiety turns into self-loathe; it constantly tells myself I should be a certain way because I’m a certain age, and it makes me regret wanting to ever like certain things, for instance: Kpop. I’m so close to making a rational decision like sell my collection and album and make my side of my room appear more like a 26-year-old rather than a 16-year-old’s because I’m so tired of the internal I keep having with myself about whether it’s age-appropriate to like and be involved in something like this.
But like, it’s fucking music, there’s no age-restriction on music, so why do other people (myself included) feel like I don’t belong within this specific genre of music? I swear it’s such a stupid fucking argument with myself, but it’s been bothering me for months.
It started to bother me when I started to really get into Victon at the beginning of this year. I started to buy their previous discography to start off an album collection because I was really getting into them and their music, and whatever goodies came with the albums I just mindlessly left in the albums because I wasn’t collecting the photocards or anything.
Fast forward to April, and I got extremely into buying photocards to start off a collection. By the time it was June, I started trading with other people around the country for the cards I’d wanted and vice versa. I will admit I spent a shit ton of money on this collection, but it makes me so fucking happy and every time I get a card in the mail, it feels like Christmas morning.
But when it started to become noticeable that I was into collecting, I started to get judged for liking and doing this. “Liz, you’re 26-years-old.” “This is something I would’ve expect you to do when you were a teenager.” “Liz is living her 12-year-old dream.” “What’s up with you listening to those *Asian* boys?” (And let’s just say the word used wasn’t Asian, I just don’t want to repeat the racist comment) While the comments are meant to just push my buttons, I don’t find them funny because those comments and jokes are internal judgments I tell myself all the time, and it’s just so discouraging.
Perhaps I’m just not used to sharing myself like this. Prior to 2020, was very anxious showing or being myself publicly because of the situation I was in, but now that I started to embrace my identity and who I am more and more, I feel all the negative things that come being me.
Anyway, if you read this far into this very true rant, thank you. Also, if this even makes it to the blog, then I guess I decided to just publish the scheduled posts I had on here for July. I can’t say where I’ll be during this time that this publishes; maybe I’ll feel better and maybe this was just a short funk of mine! But as of right now, I just don’t want to be on the internet for a bit. I just feel like hiding for a short period of time and keep to myself until I feel better about whatever this is.
Thanks for bearing with me.
I’m nowhere being famous on the internet, even more so well-known on the internet. Prior to starting my blog in 2017, I was a closed book. I never shared anything about myself that was too explicit or that would tarnish my “good girl” image, but once I started to get comfortable with myself and starting to become self-aware of the things and habits I did/had, I started speaking out about them.
But that doesn’t mean you know everything I was, everything I believed, and the time I lived growing up in my younger years.
I lived during the generation where LGBT+, POC, and any other minoritized stereotype was pitted as a joke. It wasn’t looked at as wrong, it was looked at as a part of pop culture, and a lot of the things we believed and said as teenagers and children reflected on that time.
I will openly admit that I take accountability for writing the N-word with “uh” at the end as an early teen thinking that it wasn’t offensive just because the “a” wasn’t attached at the end. I will openly admit that I fat-shamed, slut-shamed, and body-shamed in those years of my life, and said disgusting things that would label my younger self ignorant. I will be the first to publicly say that my actions as a young teenager reflected from the times I grew up in; where there used to be entire shows of Maury dedicated to the audience guessing if the person dressed in drag was a man or woman and where women were depicted as whores and sluts on Jerry Springer right after. I grew up where our favorite TV shows alluded to insensitive jokes about gender & race & mental disorders and nobody batted an eye at them.
My younger self was a product of those times, but I believe people change. I changed.
With everything happening on social media (particularly YouTube) and everyone cancelling each other for the things they did and said in the past is toxic and extremely triggering to me, and not because of my own toxic past, but because as a society, we so desperately want the word to change, but don’t accept people changing.
Hi, my name is Liz, and I was once never forgiven for my past even though the person I am today isn’t a reflection of it anymore, and it still triggers me to this day.
Holding people accountable for their past is one thing, but to still know a person for their present selves and to still not accept those changes because of their pasts is, to some extent on a personal level, cancel culture. Sure, no one is not reading my content or not following me or “cancelling me” on a professional level, but on a personal level, with the people you love and care about and are able to let go of their past to see them for who they are and you don’t get that reciprocated back to you, feels like that person is completely cancelling you as a person completely, even when you’ve showed time and time again your past doesn’t define you.
I explained time and time again that I wasn’t the greatest person as a teenager, and I lost all of those years being a really shitty person. I manipulated people into believing my lies, I broke up relationships for my own personal gain and emotions involved, I played the victim and then victim-shamed other people; I was a horrible person, and a lot of those past demons I still deal with just because they influenced such a huge part of my life, but I never knew that even actively changing and knowing better and being better that it would ultimately affect some of my most important relationships in my life.
Cancel culture triggers me because I know how it feels to try to prove yourself time and time again to people that simply just can’t see you through their tinted glasses of you. Cancel culture does nothing but confirm that no matter what you do to become a better person and no matter how much self-awareness you have, there are still people who will cancel you, and to have someone quietly cancel you that you love is the hardest fucking thing to go to.
It’s so tiring trying to prove your innocence and to prove that you say what you mean and you mean what you say. It’s extremely frustrating to sit there and have the other person tell you over and over again that they can’t completely forgive you for starts to make you feel maybe you deserve not to be forgiven for your past. Maybe you’re not any better than what you thought you were.
It’s those thoughts that triggered my self-harming episode last year in August.
Again, I’m not looking for validation or for a pity party; this isn’t what this is about. If you only knew me for who I was in the past and not for me in this moment, you have every right to not like me because I was toxic and problematic but if you know me now, 2020 me, not even who I was this time last year but for me in this exact moment and you still decide to judge me for my past and make assumptions of my character even after seeing me grow up into this young adult, then you really don’t know me.
I had a really good talk with my friend Anthony (which by the way if you’re looking for new music, listen to his music on Spotify under the name Svndwn) that was about our unhealthy pasts and how when we meet new people as the versions of our present selves, we want to be judged for what we do now, not for the things we did when we were young, dumb, and naive. And it’s true; why would I judge him for the things he’s done prior to the moment we became friends and vice versa? Sure, we can talk about it and take accountability for all of the things we did in our pasts, but it’s not really our place to judge each other for our actions if we weren’t there to witness them ourselves. Yes, that scale is so much larger and bigger when you have a huge presence on social media like YouTubers who been on the platform for the last decade, but in personal situations, if you just met someone, you decided to become friends with them for the person they are in this very moment.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that cancel culture, to any degree, gives me a bad case of impostor syndrome. I constantly question my motives and how I do and say things and if there is any problematic behavior I engage in being this version of me and like I said before, it’s so easy to get sucked into those thoughts when you once had someone you loved with everything not completely forgive you for your past.
I still live my life struggling to believe that I’m a good person because for so many years, it was alluded that I was no better than the person I was in my past. Sure, I made mistakes, I made dumb decisions even being 26, but never to the degree where I was making the decisions I made as a teenager. To see just how big this cancel culture is getting, it’s becoming even harder to speak out their truth and to see them just take accountability for themselves without people immediately seeing it as an motive to appear as the “woke, sensitive, inclusive” person. Some of us really shed that shell of our past selves, and if you decide to “cancel” or never forgive a person for their past, then why are you making the effort to even try to get to know them as the person now if your mind is already made up about them?
Leave my life if you secretly judge me for my past. Your mind about me is already made up.
*read the first part of this story here*
The apartment is noticeably quiet after what transpired just a couple of hours ago in Micah & Rosie’s living room. No one is out in the living room, the kitchen, and both bedroom doors are closed.
Moments later, a bedroom door opens and a man in a t-shirt and sweatpants walks out; he is holding a pile of damp formalwear. He walks towards the bathroom/laundry room and tosses the clothes in the washer. After starting up the washer, he looks at himself in the mirror. He looks tired and his dreadlocks bun is now sagging after the exhausting night he had.
He looks through the mirror when the door behind him is opened. It’s Rosie. She’s in her pajamas, which nowadays is just one of Micah’s old t-shirts to fit over her growing belly. She walks in with her hands on top of her head, holding her hair.
Rosie: Just here to get a hair tie.
Micah doesn’t budge. She just walks in and goes to the sink where her little tray of hair ties are, picks one up, and leaves without saying anything. Micah just stares at her.
Micah walks out of the room and into the kitchen area where he finds Rosie looking through the cabinets. She slams each and every one of them when she’s done looking through them.
Micah: Can you not slam the doors, Roe? It’s 3 in the morning and I don’t need the neighbors complaining.
Rosie: Oh, but the wild, reunion sex you and your ex were going to have if I didn’t walk in the room would’ve been okay for the neighbors to hear?
She grabs a mug from the dish rack and pours some chips in it for a snack. She walks past Micah and goes into the living room. He follows her.
Micah: We weren’t going to have sex, so stop saying that.
Rosie: *sarcastically* Man, I didn’t know that making out while one of your shirts being undone isn’t the lead way to sex.
Micah: *angrily* Yeah, not everyone is like you, Rosie.
Rosie looks at Micah; furious.
Rosie: What the fuck does that suppose to mean?
Micah: You’re no fucking saint. You’re getting on my case for even bringing Kalia back here, but you’re the one to go to Prescott after the countless times he treated you like shit and mistakenly get pregnant!
Rosie: Go fuck yourself, Micah!
Rosie walks towards her bedroom. Just when she tries to slam the door on Micah, he stops it with his hand.
Micah: I don’t why you’re all angry about this, Rosie. Why the hell would you care if I brought Kalia back here in the first place?
Rosie: Get out of my room.
Micah doesn’t leave. Rosie reaches out for a pillow and throws it at him.
Rosie: Get out!
Micah: No, Roe. I’m not. Not until you tell me what the fuck was wrong with you tonight?
Rosie gets up out of her bed and walks towards Micah, now face-to-face with him.
Rosie: Because I was there when you got all fucked up from her, Micah. I was the one that had to deal with your drunk and high ass every other night when things got bad. I was one that had your back when you missed almost a month of school; I practically used my week’s paycheck photocopying all the work for your classes so you wouldn’t drop out! I was the one who watched you go through all that shit, and one night with her at some snobby gala got you ready to jump into bed with her like nothing happened. So excuse me for calling her a skank and for almost throwing my hands at her because I swear if I wasn’t pregnant, I would’ve beat that bitch up, and then probably beat you up for even bringing her back here. So excuse me for giving a fuck about you. All I get for doing that is just a slap in the face about my old ways. Some fucking best friend you are, Micah.
She turns around and starts going through her drawers for clothes, she takes a bag out of her closest and starts to pack things in it.
Micah: I’m sorry, Roe, I didn’t mean what I said. Can we just talk?
Rosie ignores Micah and keeps throwing things in the bag. Micah calls her name out a couple of times; nothing. He finally walks over to her and stops her from doing what she’s doing. She pushes him away hard enough to knock him on the floor.
Micah: *angrily* Look, I don’t know what the hell your problem is, but I’m trying to say I’m sorry for what I said, but the way you acted tonight was no exception! Are you even thinking about the baby when you try to do stupid shit out of anger?
Rosie doesn’t answer, she just keeps packing, which angers Micah even more.
Micah: *furious* You know, this is the type of shit I hate about you, Rosie. You get mad at me for something that you have no part of, and then get angry when I throw that same energy back to you! You can’t keep acting like the world owes you an apology and you can’t keep running the fuck away from everything when things get difficult. If you can’t take it, then don’t give it out! *sighs* I’m fucking sorry, okay? What else do you want me to say? I’m a horrible person? Huh? Would that make you feel any better? Well, I’m a fucking horrible person then, Rosie!
As Micah gets up to leave Rosie’s room, Rosie gets up as well.
Rosie: Micah.
He stops in his tracks. Her voice makes it impossible for him to leave. He turns around to Rosie. Rosie reaches for something on top of her dresser. She takes it, throws it towards Micah, and reaches it for her bag.
Micah looks at the item in his hands; it’s Rosie’s copy of the key to the apartment. He looks back up to her.
Rosie: You’re not a horrible person. You’re a horrible fucking friend.
She walks past him towards the front door. Micah doesn’t move.
A couple is sitting on a couch walking reality television while cuddling and eating snacks. The couple, Tanner and Daniella, are commenting on the show until the doorbell rings. Tanner gets up from the sofa and answers the door. It’s Micah, drenched in rainwater.
Tanner: Hey, man! What the hell happened to you? Don’t believe in umbrellas?
Tanner opens the door wide enough for Micah to walk in. He walks in looking around the living room/kitchen area.
Micah: Is Rosie here?
Daniella: No, it’s just us; why would she be here?
Micah: *nervously sighs* I’ve been trying to contact her all day but her phone’s been off. I’m getting worried.
Daniella: Maybe she went to Philly to her mentor or something?
Micah: She gave me the apartment key back.
Both Tanner and Daniella are shocked.
Tanner: What happened?
Micah: We got into this huge fight after the gala. I… I ran into Kalia at the gala and brought her back to the apartment.
Daniella: *angrily* How can you be so fucking stupid, Mic?!
Micah: I wasn’t thinking, okay Dani?!
Tanner: Look, yelling at each other isn’t gonna solve anything. *to Micah* Why’d you bring Kalia to your apartment? You guys were gonna.. *claps hands together* y’ know?
Daniella holds her head in frustration.
Micah: No, I wasn’t gonna have sex with her, things just started to happened and I don’t know, everything was coming back and she was unbuttoning my shirt and she saw the matching tattoo I got with Roe and I instantly snapped out of it. Then Roe came out of her room and saw Kalia and *facepalms* Rosie was two seconds away from swinging at her, man. Things were getting ugly.
Daniella: You should’ve let Rosie beat that bitch up!
Tanner: Dani…
Daniella: *mockingly* Tanner.
Micah: I didn’t understand why Roe acted the way she did. She could’ve gotten herself hurt, or got our baby hurt and-
Daniella: *confused* Our baby?
Micah: *gathers thoughts* H-Her baby, Dani, sheesh. But we got into a huge fight and said some really horrible things to her about her past and she just packed her things and left. I fucked up and I’m just trying to get a hold of her to talk things out. She’s my friend.
Daniella: *sighs* Here we go again…
Micah: What?
Daniella: Micah, I love you like a brother, but you’re so fucking delusional and stubborn that you still can’t admit to yourself that you’re in love with this girl.
Micah: I care about her, Dani! It doesn’t mean I’m in love with her!
Daniella: Bullshit! It’s one thing to let Rosie move in with you to help her out while she gets things together and carries another guy’s baby, but you just said that you were afraid that Rosie was gonna hurt “our” baby. It still bothers you that she got herself pregnant with some asshole and not you, and every chance you get, you throw it in her face. You’re not mad at her, you’re mad at yourself.
Micah: I don’t remember asking for your opinion, Dani.
Daniella: I didn’t give you my opinion, Micah, I gave you the fucking truth.
Tanner: Okay, okay! That’s enough! *to Daniella* babe, take it down a couple of notches. *to Micah* Micah, you have to be honest with yourself, man. You didn’t have sex with Kalia because you thought about Rosie and you couldn’t go through with it.
Micah: Yeah, she would’ve been pissed that I did. I gave her a hard time when I first broke up with Kalia, she was just looking out for me.
Tanner: Nah man, you didn’t do it because you love Rosie. Any friend would have done what you’re doing for Rosie, but taking another man’s kid in as your own says more than that.
Micah takes a deep breath. He rubs his tired eyes and looks at two of his best friends in front of him.
Micah: I’m fucking in love with Rosie Delgado, and I fucked everything up.
He sits on a chair in the room with regret in his face. Tanner paces back and forth while Daniella is still sitting on the couch, facing the two men in the room.
Micah: Maybe I brought Kalia back to the apartment because I just thought maybe I’d stop thinking about my feelings towards Rosie. Rosie isn’t like other girls. She’s not an easy person that allows anyone in and if she has in the past, it’s because all she knows is one type of man, and that’s a man that doesn’t give a shit about her and lives off of his daddy’s money. I didn’t let her live with me and I didn’t offer to be in this baby’s life for some credit hoping one day she’ll love me back. I did it because I fucking love her and she deserves all the fucking love in the world. But my dumbass ruined that last night when I threw her weakness back in her face. Because I was a fucking coward. Because I can’t tell her that I love her more than anyone else I’ve been within my life.
Tanner and Daniella look at each other and then back at Micah when his phone starts ringing. Micah immediately picks it up, hoping it is Rosie.
Micah: Hello?… Speaking… Yeah, I’m Micah Kamalani… *long pause, eyes widen* What? When? How?… Oh my- ye-yeah, I’m on my way… Thank you.
Micah hangs up the phone and looks at the two people in front of him who are looking just as worried as him. Micah looks like he was just seen a ghost.
Micah: … Rosie’s in the hospital… she-she tried to kill herself.
— The End —
Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!
As a multi-fandom Kpop stan, I was well fed in the month of June, like, so well fed, i’m practically good for another couple of months in music. I don’t know what made every entertainment agency decide that their groups would make a comeback in June, but ya girl is not complaining. Anyway, every week one of the groups I listen to made a comeback and thought it would be fitting to speak on them all in one post! So without further ado, let’s talk about some Kpop comebacks, shall we?
On June 1st, Twice dropped their 9th Mini Album, “MORE & MORE” after a 9-month hiatus; their last mini-album, “Feel Special“, was released in September 2019. A lot of anticipation was riding on this comeback, and many fans were excited to start off the summer with new music from Twice; I know I was! When the teaser photos were released, I was… not really impressed to be honest, like the whole “hippie” earth concept just felt poorly put together. The nature concept though is beautiful, and it’s the version of the album I personally purchased for myself. In regards to the actual title track, I was actually kinda disappointed. It’s catchy and it’s definitely a different sound (which Twice has been consistent in doing) but from the teasers and all of that, the song just seemed like it was supposed to be… better?
The true star of the show is the b-sides. If anything, this album has some of the strongest b-sides Twice has put out. “Make Me Go” has that feel that I believe would be the perfect song for Twice if they were to ever officially make their U.S debut, “Sweet Summer Day” is such a perfect song to go out and enjoy the summer day with friends at the beach or at a block party, and “Oxygen“; she’s lovely. Twice is known for having some of the best b-sides on an album, so I’m glad that aspect of their albums hasn’t changed.
Rating: 7/10 – Would recommend, but first stream the b-sides of the album.
I apologize in advance if I come off way too bias with this, but Victon are my boys. So even though these boys have been preparing this comeback since their “Howling” promotions back in March, it wasn’t announced until May 20th, two weeks before they were scheduled to come back. When I tell you I was in the middle of catching up with my Victon photocard collection and screamed that more money is now being spent on this group… but I was very excited! It was strange that I would want to come back just three months after releasing their 6th Mini Album, “Continuous“, I was glad that these boys are busy making new music for comebacks!
So about the actual song: Mayday is their 2nd Single Album that came out on June 2nd. After seeing the teaser photos and music video teasers, I didn’t understand what the concept was. The colorful, “Venez” version is shot on a beautiful Spring scenery in colorful suits, while the dark, “m’aider” version was black and white and… dark. But! the music video doesn’t showcase any of that; in fact, they are in somewhat combat attire, which I actually wish was featured in their physical albums, let’s be real. To not make this a novel-length review, “Mayday” is an attempt (a pretty successful one statistic-wise) at a more dark, aggressive, hip-hop influence sound for the group. With Victon testing out the waters in previous albums, (“New World” and “Nightmare“) it was about time that they would use that sound for a title track and oof, she’s a banger. Sure, the song feels very experimental and some of it feels missing, but for what it is, it’s a strong title track. The music video is honestly so fucking pretty, like the millions of views on their channel for this M/V? They’re from me, y’all.
Is she my favorite title track? No. Again, there’s a lot of room for improvement for these boys when it comes to experimenting with this genre, but it’s really good for a starter song. Hanse and Seungwoo slay this song because they are both the rappers in the group and this is a rap-heavy song, but the line distribution could’ve been way better… if the song had a real chorus. I mean, “Fire off a mayday, but I can’t wait” is catchy and she’s been living in my head for the past month, but the chorus could’ve been used for members getting some lines.
Rating: 9.5/10 – If you’re a fan of the more aggressive & dark concepts of K-pop boy groups and want to discover a new group, this is the song to start off with. Also, “I’m losing all my sleep on you” as the opening line sung by Seungsik? You’re welcome.
Y’all, IZ*ONE is coming back to back with the albums to let the K-Pop industry know that the scandal of the Produce series will not hold them back! They officially came back from their 10-month hiatus with their first full-length album, BLOOM*IZ, back in February and now they are back four months later with their 3rd Mini Album, Oneiric Diary. Their title song, “Secret Story of the Swan” is definitely a different title track than the others and I’m glad because their title track for their last comeback was way too similar to their iconic song, “Violeta“. This song somehow felt like it came out of nowhere, but these girls really slayed this comeback song! It’s definitely a song (and album) you have to listen a couple of times before you get the feel of it, but IZ*ONE doesn’t disappoint when it comes to these different concepts they got going on! It’s not my favorite title track, but it’s definitely an improvement from their last comeback for me!
Rating: 8/10 – Again, it’s one of those songs you have to listen to a couple of times before you get into it, but the chorus is so unique and catchy! Also, all of the songs on the mini album are so different from one another. One of my favorite b-sides from the album is “Merry-Go-Round” – she’s a couple little bop!
This song and music video are the cutest thing ever! So, Cravity made their comeback in the middle of June with a song from their debut album, “HIDEOUT – Remember Who We Are – S1“. It was definitely a different type of comeback for K-Pop; most comebacks are accompanies by a digital album or a whole new mini album, but Cravity decided to comeback with a song from their debut album that came out 2 months ago. If anything, it’s something that westernized music artists do; artists release a couple of singles from their album every couple of months before they release anything new. In Kpop, most comebacks are months a part with typically a new title track accompanying their new mini album or new single album. Anyway, this song is the perfect b-side that showcases their refreshing side. These boys are the cutest ever, and this song an concept fits them flawlessly which is crazy because their debut single, “Break All The Rules” was the complete opposite yet they fit that concept so good as well. Yes for duality.
Rating: 6/10 – It’s not my favorite track of theirs and I probably won’t binge listen to it, but the concept and music video are too cute to pass.
Let’s all give a round of applause for Fantagio for giving these girls another mini album after two single albums because these girls deserve so much better. Anyway, in the month of loud comebacks from huge groups, Weki Meki came back with their 3rd Mini Album, “Hide and Seek” – and I’m pretty impressed with it as a whole. For the title track, it was… okay? I mean, Weki Meki had better title tracks in my opinion & the b-sides on this album are so pretty and different than what they’ve done in the past whereas “Oopsy” just sounds like a repackage of their previous comebacks. Don’t get me wrong, she slaps, just not as hard as their previous title tracks. I’m just glad that these girls are getting more opportunities to put out more songs at a time!
Rating: 6/10 – probably won’t listen to the title track that much, but I might give the album as a whole a few listens here and there. Weki Meki fighting!
After making their comeback in April 2019 with “Kill This Love“, Blackpink finally made a comeback with their pre-release single, “How You Like That“. They are expected to make two more comebacks, one being for the release of their long-awaited full-length album. When the news of them finally making a comeback was announced, everyone was literally on the floor anticipating this release, as was I! Blackpink was the second ever Kpop girl group I listened to, and I wished YG treated these girls like a normal group that comes back once every couple of months, but here we are! So let’s talk about this comeback!
So, “How You Like That” is a classic Blackpink song. It’s a very hip-hop/dance influenced song with some strong ass rap lines, some great vocals from Rose & Jisoo, some adlibs from Jennie and Lisa throughout the song, and then a dance break. It’s what we heard in their last two comebacks, but if it works for them, it works for them! I’m a kpop listener that likes when groups try things differently though, so although this song slaps and my favorite part is Lisa’s raps and the talk-sung chorus, I wasn’t…blown away? Like, what made me like the song more was definitely the music video; the styling and visuals are honestly everything, but I just wish the format of the song was a little different!
Rating: 7/10 – Not my favorite title track, but still a bop. Hoping Blackpink will revamp their sound in the next comeback though!
When I tell you I was waiting for this day to finally come! So Seungyoun (Woodz is his stage name) released his first mini-album to end off the month right; EQUAL in a nutshell, DID NOT DISAPPOINT. This album has to be my favorite release of the month just because the entire album is a masterpiece. Every song hits hard, “LIFT UP” sounds like it could be a straight-up rock song, “Accident” will give you goosebumps due to the insane vocals this man has and displays, and “BUCK” will literally turn you the fuck up. The title track, “Love Me Harder” is a song I have not heard come out on Kpop since I’ve been a fan, and I instantly fell in love with it as soon I heard it. It’s no surprise that Seungyoun released some fire tracks, because he’s done so in the past! To know that he wrote all of the lyrics to the songs and co-composed them as well, you know he’s just crazy talented. I’m so proud of him because this is his fourth time debuting, and I really hope that his talents and passion really shines this time!
Rating: 10/10 – Period. Fire album, fire title track, fire concept, I’m so happy with this debut!
And that’s it on my end! I know there are so many other groups that debuted or came back this past month, so also please show them some love! Here’s to more comebacks in the future! Kpop is exciting, y’all.
Sometimes, I believe that the kindest and nicest people hold the biggest and longest grudges ever.
Perhaps it’s because we’re not confrontational and we’re constantly shoving things under the rug when things bother us that they just turn into grudges. We think that if we just internalize our feelings towards problems and such, they would resolve on their own. What happens instead is they turn into grudges, and now it’s more than just a problem you have with a situation or another person. It’s now something that affects you on the psychological level.
Hi, my name is Liz, and I hold some really nasty grudges.
I’ve always been a person that felt all the emotions and there were always extreme. I love hard, I care hard, and I get angry just as hard, especially when the issue presents itself more than once in situations. Even though I’m human and I’m allowed to feel`emotions other than happiness and such, I never allowed myself to reflect on my anger and tell myself why I was even angry in the first place for a huge chunk of my life. Sadly, it’s resulted in a lot of grudge-holding in my life.
There are some people who can live perfectly fine with the grudges they keep; to them, their grudges are just something reminding them that the toxic and bad people that were once in their lives have no place in their lives in the present day. For me, they are constant reminders that I hold onto parts of my past self that I wish I didn’t, and any sight or thought of the person I hold a grudge with brings everything back and it’s not the healthiest thing to be doing at my age.
I mentioned many times before on the blog that 2020 was the year that I was going to forgive myself for my past, my actions, and the people who I may have hurt or hurt me to finally stop carrying it on my shoulders like baggage. In this first half of 2020, I’ve made some revelations, breakthroughs, and made some moves in order to forgive myself and the things that happened, and a lot of this work happened because of therapy. I learned ways to take responsibility and accept that it happened.
Within this process, I was able to recall in detail everything that happened within the last decade and be brutally honest about it, despite how I felt about anything that would “tarnish” my image. Just being open and honest to that extent helped me kickstart this journey of forgiveness, but half of that journey also meant that I had to deal with my grudges.
Once they latch onto you, they suck you dry until you’re too exhausted to want to deal with them anymore.
I have grudges I’ve held since I was in high-school. The people who hurt me the most are still some of the people that I hold the strongest grudges for. I don’t want to ever know how they are doing, or if they’re doing well, what they are up to, or how their own growth has transpired. These people who I hold grudges with are somewhat dead in my world; they don’t exist, and I try to erase every memory I ever had with them. To some extent, I hold some grudges about my last relationship. They were simply things I wish happened differently and that I spoke up about. In a sense, I hold a grudge towards the person I was in that relationship, and present me hates the fact that past me let so many things slide and left so many things unsaid. Will I ever let go of that grudge? Honestly, that relationship ended 10 months ago; yet it still feels like it was just yesterday that everything came crashing down.
Slowly but surely, I am letting the grudges of my 18-year-old self just eat those old parts of me and leave me for good. That girl, the one who was the second girl in two different relationships, the one where she almost got raped for trusting a boy too soon, the one that lived in fear for a year straight due to Facebook death threats, the one where she was so broken inside that she cried on the bathroom floor for nights on end and cut herself with her own sharp fingernails and countlessly wrote poetry about wanting to die – that girl. She’s dying inside of me, and the grudges towards the people in this time period are being let go for my own mental health. To the lover that kept me then swept me and then watched everyone turn against me, I forgive you. To the person who explicitly wrote the many ways they wanted to kill me and my family, I forgive you. To the guy that thought I was easy and tried to have sex with me when I continuously said no and you called it “stubbornness”, I forgive you. To the person I was, I’m forgiving you.
Getting over my past relationship is now a whole new thing I’m slowly trying to let go as well. To move on from the last 10 years of my life just an overnight job; it’s surely not a 10-month job as well. The grudges I hold within that situation are present and I’m trying my hardest to not let it become a decade long grudges like my others. I’m confident enough that I’m mature enough to not let it get to that point; to be as forgiving as possible but keeping a healthy level of resentment because I know what my self-worth finally is.
So, some of the nicest and kindest people are the ones who hold the longest grudges because they avoid confrontation and project their issues to themselves.
Too bad that’s not me anymore. I will tell you how shit is these days.
A woman with curly hair and glasses, Jennifer, walks into her bedroom and looks at the bookshelf for something. She scans the many books until she comes across the book she’s looking for; her high-school yearbook. She takes it off the shelf and looks at it before opening it. She opens it and skims through it, remembering all the people she once used to see every day. She then stops at a page where her and her three best friend Milo, Nicki, and Danny are posing for a picture at prom. She smiles.
A man with tied up dreadlocks and glasses on, Milo, walks into the room and sees his wife sitting on the bed, flipping through the book.
Milo: *playfully* Getting ready to claw the eyes of your enemies?
Jennifer deadpans; “haha”.
Jennifer: I’m just looking through our yearbook, preparing myself of the people that used to go to high-school with us before our reunion this weekend.
Milo: Are you nervous?
Jennifer: *flips through pages* A little. I mean, it’s been 10 years already.
Milo: So? You’re still hot as ever.
Jennifer: *raises eyebrow* Oh? You thought I was hot when we were in high-school? Didn’t you have a girlfriend ten years ago that wasn’t me?
Milo: *cheeky* I mean, ten years later I’m married to you, right?
Jennifer closes the yearbook and rolls her eyes. She gets up from the bed and puts the yearbook back on the shelf. Milo gets ready for bed.
Milo: Seriously though, there’s no reason to be nervous.
Jennifer gets into bed next to Milo.
Jennifer: I don’t know, we left high-school in a weird way. You were dating Diana, I was dating Craig… she was my enemy, he was yours…
Milo: I mean, we were both young and dumb… and probably desperate.
Jennifer nudges Milo.
Milo: The past is the past, babe. You don’t know where these people are now.
Jennifer: *soft* Besides Craig, who’s in jail now…
Silence. Milo sighs to break it.
Milo: What I’m saying is that we aren’t there to compare each other and see how successful we’ve become in the last ten years. We’re honestly there to just see old friends and have a good time, babe.
Jennifer: I know. You’re right.
Jennifer fluffs up her pillow and begins to get comfortable. Milo stares at her.
Milo: What else are you worried about?
Jennifer: *playing dumb* Whatcha mean?
Milo: Pep…
Jennifer shoots back up to face Milo.
Jennifer: You know everyone is going to ask about Gwen.
Milo: *confused* What?
Jennifer: People are going to ask about Gwen, Mi. You know it.
Milo: Pep, Gwen died in 2008. We were just sophomores when that happened, I doubt people remember Gwen being my girlfriend.
Jennifer: You got the smartest girl in our grade, who also happened to have cancer, pregnant at 15. I doubt people forgot about that.
Milo: Pep, you were also my best friend, I think people who don’t even matter will remember us as inseparable as teenagers.
Jennifer: Not unless you have some secret crazy admirer who’s using the reunion as some way to take you home at the end of the night…
Milo: *laughs* You have to stop watching Lifetime movies in between Micah’s naps, babe.
Jennifer sighs and turns over to go to sleep. Milo tries to comfort Jennifer.
Milo: I’m kidding, but seriously – you don’t have to be worried. I won’t allow you to have a bad time there, Pep. We’ll dance the night away, have a couple of drinks here and there, and introduce my wife, Jennifer, to everyone who comes up to me.
Jennifer: *turns around* Really?
Milo: Of course. If anything, I’ll be the luckiest guy at this reunion because I get to call you my wife.
Jennifer: *soft* Aww, Milo… *playfully pinches Milo’s cheeks* You have to stop watching Hallmark movie in between grading papers, babe.
Milo tackles Jennifer in the bed and tickles her; she’s heard laughing loud and telling Milo to stop. He laughs as he finally leaves her alone. Jennifer is straightening out her frizzy, curly hair.
Jennifer: Why do you love making my hair more of a frizzy mess than it already is?
Milo: Because it’s been my thing since we were kids. Remember that time I messed up your hair when you were talking to that guy you liked in elementary school?
Jennifer: Oh, you mean when I practically chased you all the way home and your mom wouldn’t let me in the house because you started crying for your life?
Milo: *exaggerates* You were a scary ass kid, Pep!
Jennifer: Yet you loved to test me!
Milo: What can I say? I loved to live on the wild side.
Jennifer: The only wild side you used to live when we were kids was you going home a minute after your curfew.
Milo: *deadpans* Someone had to be the responsible one between us.
Jennifer: That surely changed when we were teenagers.
Milo look at Jennifer with a semi-serious look on his face.
Jennifer: *backtracks* I mean, you were still responsible taking care of Milo Jr.
Milo: *smiles* Thank you.
They both look up at the ceiling in silence.
Milo: Remember our graduation day? How my mom was holding Milo in the audience and he just wailed out a cry when my name got called?
Jennifer: Remember it? I lived it. It was the loudest baby roar in the auditorium.
Milo: *laughs* He was so small. God. Where does the time go?
Jennifer: To believe that Milo is only two grades away from being in high-school scares me. Like, for him to go through all the crazy shit we went through. Hopefully his experience isn’t so wild.
Milo: Nah, he’s a good kid. If anything, he got that quality from Gwen.
Jennifer: Hey, you’re a good person too.
Milo stays silent. He’s deep in thought and Jennifer turns to face him in his deep thought.
Milo: I don’t know how I graduated high-school while taking care of a baby all at the same time.
Jennifer: You had people who loved and cared about you.
Milo: Yeah, but, it wasn’t the easiest thing in the world. I’m thankful for having a roof over my head but, it was just hard living in the same house as the man who didn’t even acknowledge me or hi grandson.
Jennifer: *concerned* He was mean to Milo?
Milo: I mean, he would tell him that he was too busy to hang out or play with him. Then my mother would come in and try to make things better by offering to spend time with him instead.
Jennifer is empathetic to Milo. She doesn’t break her attention away from Milo while he speaks.
Milo: I’m just glad I’m where I am at now. Shit’s still not easy, but it’s easier than it was.
Jennifer: *smiles* And you’re an amazing father as well.
Milo looks at Jennifer and smiles. He kisses her gently on the forehead.
Milo: *rehearses* “Hey, yeah remember me? Milo Kamalani? Beanie, geeky music kid? Ahh, so you remember Jennifer, my best friend. Yeah, she really is hot, right? Oh, you wanna see what’s up with her? I heard she’s married, bro. Yeah, sorry – she has two kids and still look that good. How do I know this? She’s married to me.”
Jennifer laughs and kisses Milo.
Jennifer: *rehearses* “Oh, hey girl! Yeah I was the girl that accidently set your ponytail on fire in chemistry class… Oh, really? You saw Milo and you think he grew up to be good looking? You know that you once called him gay for being a creative guy, right? Well I gotta break it to you, hun, Milo is actually my husband and girl, does he get creative in the bed-“
Jennifer stops once her and Milo see their bedroom door open and 12-year-old, Milo Jr., stand there in his pajamas.
Milo Jr: … Get a room… or a different house.
Milo Jr. walks out of the bedroom and shouts out that Micah is crying, which makes Micah cry even more. Milo gets up out of the bed first to tend Micah; Jennifer sits in the bed, smiling, happy this is where she is ten years later.
— The End —
Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!
In all honesty, this blog has become a third of Overexposed series, a third of scenes, and a third of Kpop music-related things, and I’m honestly not complaining whatsoever. If there’s anything that I’ve gained during this time of self-discovery, it’s that I’ve accepted my trash for KPop, and I started to do some album collecting. At first, I tried to avoid buying albums because I know myself well enough to know that I would want to buy every album for the groups I liked, so at first, I was only going to collect the albums of my ult groups, and only one version of the album as well. Kpop loves doing this thing where a group makes a comeback and wants to realize 7 different versions of the same album and like the trash community we are, we buy all versions… I’m talking about you, BTS! Although I started to listen to Kpop in 2018, I didn’t start collecting until the end of 2019, and even then it took me a while to finally get the courage to buy some albums after my ult group suddenly disbanded.
But without further ado, here are the things on my shelf!
After X1 disbanded suddenly at the beginning of the year, I was devastated that I wouldn’t be able to see those boys together for future comebacks. Also, I wouldn’t be seeing this one interact with the other members and being my whole bias in X1 anymore. I told myself that whatever Seungyoun does in the future, I will support him and his journey because I like him as an idol. Although he’s back doing his music thing and his solo album is finally here, he started his year doing some magazine spreads. This magazine, in particular, has some of my favorite photos of Seungyoun ever in it, so it was a must-have.
If I knew that 1st Look magazine was actually the size of a damn newspaper, I would’ve found a more productive way to store it rather than folding it and paper clipping it. Again, I just wanted this magazine in my collection of Seungyoun things, and from what I remember it was only like 3 dollars, so I said: “Yeah, why not?!”
I feel like because Twice is so wildly popular in the Kpop scene, they do more than just release some albums and eras and then call it a day. Ladies and Gentlemen, these girls come out with monographs. It’s basically a photobook of behind-the-scene photos of shooting the music video and the album photobook, or “jacket making”. Twice was the group that started my Kpop trash obsession, and although they aren’t an ult group (like ITZY is) they still make fire ass music and I’m always excited for their comebacks. This particular comeback was my favorite one thus far; all of the songs were different for the group and unique from each other. The only reason why I didn’t buy the album was because sadly the physical album wasn’t my favorite, but the monograph was beautiful. I’m glad to have some sort of “Fancy” physical thingymabob in my collection.
This album holds a special place in my heart because it was my first ever album I got. It’s kinda funny; when I started my job at the bookstore, the only thing I wanted to use my money for was to buy this album. It took me about 2 months after it was released to finally buy it, but I definitely knew this was the version I wanted out of both. For my pulls, I got the Seungyoun bookmark and the Dongpyo standee. I also was able to snag Seungyoun’s AR card later on because Seungyoun will forever be my X1 bias. But yeah, not bad for a newbie collector.
This album was the main reason why I started to stan Victon and decide to collect all of their albums. Out of all of their albums, their debut one is my favorite track-list wise. For a rookie group at the time, I like that this was a very fresh concept and I believe it made them stand out from the rest of the boy groups at the time. With this album, it came with Seungsik’s first photocard and this Byungchan photocard whereas the other Seungsik photocard in the came with my signed copy and the Seungwoo photocard I bought on eBay because I have bad luck when it comes to pulling Seungwoo in my own purchased albums.
This album is so overlooked for everyone that it’s even one of the albums I don’t really go back and look at (which I should). This concept and album weren’t my favorite; I don’t go back to this album to listen to it that often because it just has songs that are just okay to me. For this album, I pulled our maknae, Subin’s photocard.
This was the second Victon album I purchased because out of all of the concepts, this one is one of my favorites. It’s fresh, it’s summery, and the music video to the title track is unique and weird, which was cute for them to do! The B-sides of this album were also really good and I always go back to it every now and then. During the time I got this album, Sejun was totally a major bias-wrecker, so when I pulled his photocard, I was really happy.
I wish I was able to showcase this album better because out of all of them, this concept is my favorite. This album, in particular, felt personal; it was more so a gift to their fans rather than a mini album. The photobook and even the mini book of journal entries from the members were really cute to get with this album, so I tend to always go back to this album just to look at it. I was also very lucky to get this Sejun photocard; he lived on my phone case for a really long time after pulling it. These are some of the hardest photocards to find on the internet, so my journey to getting at least one From. Victon era Seungsik card is still on.
This is their first single album, and even though it’s not my favorite physical album because of its simplicity, the concept is just so fucking pretty and angelic; I look through it every now and then. Seungwoo’s curly hair in this era was such a fucking look, as well as Sejun’s pitch black short hair. All these boys looked so fucking good in this era! When it comes to pulling photocards, I seem to always pull Byungchan’s photocards, so that’s exactly who I pulled for this album as well. In addiction, I’m also getting Seungwoo & Seungsik’s photocards, as well as Seungsik’s broadcast photocard which is rare af.
This was the first album that was different from the other Victon albums. This was more so a box of goodies than an album! This concept for the boys was so fucking good and majestic and mature; the concept was everything, the outfits were on point, and the album as a whole is so fucking good. Because this was the era that came after Seungwoo and Byungchan’s appearance on PDX101, this was the era that I started to listen to them in and didn’t appreciate it when it first came out! This is the nostos version, and the goodies I got was a Seungsik/Chan mini-poster, Subin’s message postcard, and Hanse’s “nostos” photocard. Also, I had to get Seungsik’s nostos photocard because it’s the cutest ever.
This is their recent mini-album release which I pre-ordered once the album was put on selling sites. I was completely excited for this to be Victon’s first comeback as a 7-member group and with 3 versions being out for this album, I decided to get the middle one, or the Blue version. This album was really strong; all the songs on the album were co-written by the members and they are all so mature and pretty. Personally, for me, Subin owned this era, hand down! He definitely is going into his own and he’s just not our maknae anymore! Regarding pulls, I got the Seungwoo x Hanse lyric book, the “back of the head” transparent card, Byungchan’s AR photocard, and Chan’s photocard. As time passed, I decided I would get at least one of each member for this album because some of them were just too cute to pass!
Fire off a Mayday, but I can’t wait! Seriously, this title track is one of my favorites because it’s so catchy and so different from their previous comebacks. Of course I’m 100% Victon trash and I bought the pre-sale copies (5 actually, don’t ask why) once it was online to buy and the photos in both these versions are so fucking pretty. Personally, my favorite concept is the Venez (the colorful version) just because the scenery is breathtaking and Victon with flowers are everything. For my first two pulls, I got Subin’s Venez card (which was on my Mayday PC Wishlist), Sejun’s Venez card (which I traded for Seungsik’s Venez card) and then Byungchan & Hanse’s m’aider card, which I might keep for myself. Of course in true collecting fashion, I seeked and bought most of my Mayday wishlist!
The biggest mistake JYP Entertainment made was to not release a proper single album for this debut because it’s undeniably one of the best debut tracks of 2019. Y’all. When ITZY first debuted with their first title track, “DALLA DALLA”, it was nothing like a girl group has done before in my opinion. Describing ITZY’s concept is always hard because it’s rather unique for your typical KPop girl group. I was happy that then they released their first mini album, they put together the photobook portion of their single album as a pre-order benefit. This concept was one of my favorites of theirs and for a rookie group at the moment, it was everything!
Shortly after seeing ITZY in concert earlier this year, I decided that it was only right to collect their albums. I always liked them and their music, but having seen them in concert and perform live during their U.S tour, I fell in love with this group even more, and once I finished my Victon collection, I would start my ITZY album collection. It wouldn’t be that hard to do since they only had this album from last year. This album was a good little summer thing; it wasn’t my favorite out of their discography but they rocked it when they performed these songs live in concert. For this album, I got two little ITZY freebies that the website sent with the album, as well as Ryujin and Chaeryeong’s photocard. As for the cover, I was blessed with Chaeryeong, who was once my bias at some point.
This album I pre-ordered, so I was also sent the pre-order benefits; the postcard set and the “Paris et. Itzy” book of pictures that they took when they were in Paris last year. This album was so fucking strong, it’s ridiculous. JYP blessed us with 7 songs, and all of them are so different from each other. Out of the three versions, I got the WANNABE version. Besides the pre-order benefits, I got Yuna’s album card, the Ryujin & Lia’s unit photocard, and Yeji’s photocard (which is my bias!)
This album was a strong one for a debut, y’all. These rookies are going ham in the Kpop industry these days. Anyway, this is the first version of Cravity’s debut album. It didn’t take me that long to stan these boys; four of them were introduced to us through PDX101 last year, and the other 5 boys just mesh well with the boys we already grew to love. Although they aren’t my ults and I don’t have a fixed bias in this group, I already find myself stanning Serim and Wonjin just a little more than the rest. For this album, I got the sticker sheet of all 9 members, Minhee’s standee and photo strip bookmark, the Woobin, Taeyoung, and Minhee polaroid thingymabob, and Hyeongjun’s cute ass photocard! In addiction, purchased Serim & Wonjin’s photocards as well because they are my two biases in this group.
Wooseok’s first solo debut album was so fucking good, I had to buy it for my collection! Every song on the album was so different and yet Wooseok was able to suit them so perfectly. There were three versions of this album, but I felt like the red one fit the overall concept the most (I mean, the title track is called “Red Moon”) but yeah! Very proud of Wooseok for such success in his solo debut! One-It forever!
My first ever physical Twice album! I wanted to buy their current comeback album because of the b-sides. Don’t get me wrong, the title track is getting catchy the more I listen to it, but what really got me was the b-sides of the album. They are all so uniquely different & they are certified bops! Honestly, these girls know how to write some bangers. Nayeon wrote my favorite track on the album, “Make Me Go” and Jeongyeon & Chaeyoung wrote “Sweet Summer Day.” I knew I wanted to at least own one Twice album in my lifetime, so I decided that it would be the C version of their new comeback, “More & More”. Twice always has goodies when they make comebacks; this album came with pre-order benefit photocards, nine postcards of the members, “The Most” photocard, and 5 in-album photocards. (Oh, and a coaster that I totally forgot to insert, but I pulled Mina’s!)
I was going on an eBay rabbit hole when I found this signed copy of Victon’s 1st mini album floating on the internet. I impulsively bought it but I definitely do not regret it now that it’s on my desk. It’s my favorite album and it was only right that I got it. With this album, only one photocard came with the album and it was Seungsik’s (the one pictured on the unsigned copy). Seungsik is my bias for this group anyway, so I was happy to at least have both of his photocards for this album!
Another signed Victon album because I’m absolute trash. When starting my album collection at the beginning, I told myself I wasn’t going to buy other versions of the same album because I just don’t have it like that, but I caved in when I saw this version of the album being sold online and it was signed. I saw this listing and immediately purchased it because it was an all Seunsgik set (I’m Kang Seungsik trash), signed by all members, and it was the version of the album I didn’t have yet. I’m very excited to have this in my collection because out of Victon’s discography, this has become my second favorite album (track-wise) of theirs, but this concept remains my favorite of all. In this album, I pulled Seungsik’s “algos” photocard, the same Seunsgik/Chan mini poster as my other version, and Seungsik’s message postcard which happens to be my favorite picture of Seungsik… ever.
I was so happy to find this signed copy of my first ever ult boy group, X1’s debut (and sadly last) album! Their QL version was the first ever Kpop album I purchased, so this album holds a very special place in my heart. I thought about buying this version of the album for a very long time due to the fact that this is their only album they’ll come out with, so when I found their promotional signed copy, I had to buy it. She’s probably one of the rarest pieces in my collection just because this album will soon be out of print in the future and there are only so many signed copies out in the world with all of the members. In this album, everything Eunsang was in it: bookmark, AR Photocard, and standee.
This DVD packaging was so unnecessarily big, but the contents were so beautiful! I ordered this bad boy the day it went on pre-order because I’m Victon trash for the 1,109th time. I remember when they first did the concert and how happy I was for those boys. They had accomplished so much in such very little time and for them to have their very first concert in Seoul was exciting! Of course, this was also around the time that X1’s agency announced their disbandment, so I’m hoping that in the future, Victon are able to have a concert with OT7! This DVD thingymabob comes with a photobook, a film bookmark thing, a photocard set of the boys (which happen to be my favorite set of all time), 3 CD-DVD things, and some really cute stickers!
And that’s it… for now! This post took forever to put together because I was just waiting for all of my junk to arrive in the mail within the last month and knowing me, this isn’t the end of my album buying. Seungyoun’s 1st Solo album that I’ve been anticipating for is finally coming to me as well! Oof, we’re excited. But yeah, thanks for dealing with my trash mess once again!
Letters From Liz. 