It was snowing the night Grace told me she was once pregnant with our child. Once.
She couldn’t stop crying. As confused and upset and sick as the thought of Grace keeping something like that from me made me, I was worried about her. She was just bones; it looked like she hadn’t eaten in days. She was wasting away, keeping this inside her soul which then began to eat away at her. Shawn and Kevin have found her at the bar that night, drunk and close to completely blacking out. Grace and I weren’t even together at the time, yet for some reason, they knew that I would take care of her that night. She said was supposed to go out that night with Ari and Dean. Maybe she lied about that. Maybe she was just lonely with her thoughts. She was lonely with just her thoughts.
I regret leaving her in New York alone with nothing but her thoughts.
I didn’t know it could rain so heavily in California, but it started to pour as the hours passed during the night. I told Shawn to go up to his room to calm down; his yelling and anger were not helping the situation. Shawn couldn’t understand the wave of emotions that Kevin was possibly feeling at this moment, yet Kevin couldn’t understand the wave of emotions Shawn was possibly feeling at this moment.
I understand Shawn. He fell in love with an American woman knowing that it would be complicated once things got difficult. He knew he would have to return to Korea once the visa was up. He knew he couldn’t ask Skylar to drop her entire life here in California to be with him in a foreign country. He knew that he couldn’t help himself when he began to fall in love with Skylar. Love happens quickly; it waits for no one to figure things out. Once you feel just a tiny amount of love for someone; someone that you see spending your life with, someone that makes you instantly smile just by seeing them… that’s it. There’s no turning back from unloving a person; it can never be undone.
I understand Kevin. He fell in love with a woman back in Korea and he isn’t there to comfort her or be with her during a time when she’s probably terrified and unsure about what to do next. Korean women that get pregnant before marriage instantly feel like impure women; it’s why my sister Mina got married to her husband three months after finding out she was pregnant with my first niece. JooAh is no exception, and Kevin knows this. But I didn’t relate to Kevin because he got a Korean woman pregnant; Kevin can always go back home and be with the mother of his unborn child if he wanted to. That’s what he wanted to do, and I don’t blame him for doing just that. If life was that easy for Grace and me at the time, I would’ve went back to America to be with her. But Grace and I were never conventional.
I sat across from Kevin, looking at him as he rubbed his eyes. This was the most movement he’s made in the past hour. He was clearly trying to piece everything together in his head.
“I-I don’t know how it happened,” Kevin said erratically. “I mean, I know how it happened, but… we were careful. We always were, and–“
“You don’t have to explain yourself, Kevin,” I interrupted. Quite frankly, I didn’t care that he got his girlfriend pregnant. Kevin loves JooAh, and I think if Kevin was back in Korea and he found this out, he’d be the happiest man alive. But he’s not; he’s here in America about 16 hours behind just wanting to be with JooAh. I get it.
“Shawn is so mad at me, hyung,” Kevin stated. “I don’t know if he’ll ever talk to me again.”
“I don’t understand, why did he break up with Skylar? Did you tell him he had to or something?” I asked. I was still trying to piece everything together, hoping it would make sense.
“When I told him I had to go back to Korea because of JooAh, he panicked,” Kevin began explaining. “He wanted to stay for Skylar.”
“Again, I don’t understand how you having to go back home affects Shawn,” I emphasized. Kevin finally looked at me.
“Hyung,” Kevin started out. “The group visa. We all have to go together.”
Fuck. We never thought about getting a group visa would have its consequences. We were just a couple of friends coming here on a group visa for the summer; nothing more or nothing less. It was a lot easier to apply for the group visa because it required less time to get it. We have never traveled outside of the country together if it wasn’t for business, so getting the individual visas would’ve taken some time to get. But who fucking knew life would be like this? Kevin becoming a father. Shawn falling in love with a woman in California.
Me reuniting with Grace. Fuck… Grace.
“I’m so sorry for ruining this trip,” Kevin began to shake his head, looking down to the floor. “This wouldn’t have happened; this shouldn’t have happened, I–“
I was leaving Grace again. She had just opened up to me tonight and here I am, leaving her like I always did when we were together. Leaving her in California with nothing but her thoughts.
“You have to do what you have to do as a man,” I said to Kevin. Maybe I was more so saying this to myself; I wish I had said it to myself when the time mattered. “You have to be there for JooAh and the only way you can do that is to be there with her.” Kevin didn’t say anything, so I got up and began walking to the staircase. It was nearing 4AM and I was exhausted. It doesn’t even feel like I was happy with Grace just a couple of hours ago.
“Hyung,” Kevin called out. I turned around to face him. He was still sitting at the same spot on the sofa. “I’m so sorry.” I wonder if he’s sorry because he senses leaving Grace again will take a toll on me again.
“Get some rest, Kevin,” I answered. I turned back toward the staircase and walked up the stairs; exhausted and defeated.