To the person I was before surgery,
As I watch my family being able to eat all of their food off of their plate, I wonder how you used to do that. How were you able to finish all of your food that was on your plate? How would you be able to even go for seconds after a full plate of food? Did you enjoy the food that you ate? Is that why you would go back for more? I don’t remember how that feels. I don’t remember what it felt like to eat something and enjoy it. I don’t remember how it felt to take in a flavor of food and eat until you couldn’t eat anymore. There’s a lot about you I don’t remember.
I don’t want to forget the person you were. I don’t want to forget the person that really dealt with the self-image issues and the constant battle with your weight being a physical issue but also wanting to love your body for how she comes. I don’t want to forget the scares you had at night; the ones where you would feel absolutely sick and warm because your blood pressure was dangerously high. I don’t want to forget the fact that at 25 years old, you went to your doctor and told her that you are experiencing all the symptoms pre-diabetics experience. I don’t want to forget that you were pre-diabetic.
Although people will see you as “the before” in every photo I have, just know that you were more than just that. You were an actual person that dealt with the hardships of weight. You were a person that didn’t have much control in how fast your body was changing, despite getting the help needed to do so. You were always pretty, worthy, and will always be more than just a “before” photo. You were the before version of who I was, still am, and will continue being.
You will always be with me because you never left.
Despite how quick my body might change within the next couple of months, I will forever remind you that your body wasn’t and will never be something disgusting or bad. I will remind you that despite how many people will praise the body I’ll have as the months pass, it doesn’t mean you weren’t worthy enough to be seen.
I wish I took care of you better when i had the time. I know I didn’t know how to, and I didn’t know how much different life would be after-surgery, but i wish I was able to take you and just take care of you better. I’m sorry if I neglected you, and I’m sorry it took surgery for me to realize just how brave and strong you truly are. Like, I don’t know how you were able to go through surgery, and within two weeks, you seemed like you didn’t just have surgery! It’s amazing just how strong and supportive you are of me, despite me not taking care of you properly before. I will make sure to take care of you now– you won’t take no for an answer since if we don’t care for you, you’ll make me instantly regret it.
I love you and will always love you for who you were, what you are, and what you will become.
Letters From Liz. 