Self-Reflection

I’m Not Okay, and that’s FINE.

TNTH has been going through this cycle where it’s back up and running and then the next day, I run away from the blog. I’m genuinely sorry for that.

I planned out this entire summer to strictly focus and build on TNTH so that by the time this time of year came around, there were more readers and viewers and a bigger community on TNTH then it was a couple of months ago.

Life happens and sometimes, you’re not okay. I’m not okay as I type this, and that is completely fine.

Back in June, I told myself that I had to get better and be better in a short amount of time because that was my “goal”. I told myself, “I want to start up TNTH again on July 1st, so that means my life has to be all figured out and I have to be happy again.” For the most part, I was happy and I believe TNTH came back with a bang, but I soon realized that there is no timer or deadline on poor mental health. Forcing myself to be happy in the middle of my chaotic life was making me even more unhealthy.

Trying to put up TNTH posts three times a week was tiring in a world where all I wanted to do was hide from the world by staying in my bedroom all day. For most of July, I stayed in my room and only left if I needed to use the restroom or if I needed to go to the kitchen and pick up something to eat. I didn’t go outside more than 5 times in the entire month of July. Without realizing, I was portraying one of the most common symptoms of clinical depression, or major depression.

Because of me not having much human contact besides my parents (my sister was away for the summer), I began to feel lonely. I started to get that feeling I felt that one time in high-school, where everyone around me was hanging out and supporting their friends at the annual talent show, while I sat there, alone, with no one wanting to sit with me. That sense of loneliness I felt 5 years ago was the beginning of an even deeper downfall that I wouldn’t allow myself to go through again. So, I took back some control in my life.

I don’t feel like the same person I was when I started this year, yet alone when I first started TNTH. I used to want to be around so many people and have so many friends; I wanted to be humorous and social on all of the social media platforms I had because people liked what I posted on them; I wanted to keep this bubbly and happy personality that I was always known to have. But all of that changed. While some people may see it as a negative thing, I take it as a sign that I am growing up and taking a stand to prioritize every aspect of myself.

I am still learning how to express myself without being apologetic. I am still trying to do what’s right for me and if I do something that isn’t, I am learning from my mistakes. I am trying to live my life focusing on myself instead of my social media personas. I am trying to figure how this world works, why things happen the way they are, and where do I fit in. I am learning how not to look at me and think that I should be comparing their success to my own. I am learning that even the hardest decisions are made only become the result of it includes a better, healthier life. I am trying to get to know this new person who isn’t so oblivious and scared of expression; a person who isn’t censored by my own words anymore. I’m still smiley and bubbly, but only be those things when I am feeling genuine happiness. I am learning how to control my life without thinking that I can’t do it.

Even after all of this, I am, in no shape or form, happier than I was a week ago, a month ago; even a year ago. This is not a “I got through this and this is how I did it” post. This isn’t me saying that I am finally good enough to start back TNTH for good. I wrote this because I wanted to. I wrote this because I felt like it. I don’t owe an explanation to anything to anyone on why I’ve been gone or why I am don’t post on/have social media anymore. I am here to simply remind myself (and you all) that if you are going to a really rough time in your life, that it is okay to not feel okay. If you feel sad because something is happening within your family, you should allow to be sad about what’s happening. If you feel angry because you’re holding a grudge on a person who’ve contributed to your downward spiral, then fuck it – be angry at them. My point is to stop compartmentalizing your honest feelings and emotions and acknowledge why you are feeling that way. You aren’t going to get better if you tell yourself “I’ll be okay” if you know that you aren’t. Everyone is different, and there was a time in my life where I could’ve told myself the lie of “I’m okay” when I really wasn’t, but I know I can’t (and won’t) lie to myself because my feelings matter. If anyone should care about your feelings, it’s yourself. The sooner you realize that you truly aren’t okay, the quicker you can ask yourself, “okay, what am I going to do to make myself be okay?” Not better, but okay. 

Regarding TNTH, I am going to start writing up posts as I please. No more planning ahead a month in advance and writing posts that no one is going to see for a couple of weeks. I just want to come back on here every now and then and write some content that not only I can relate to, but that I’m proud of.

See you guys soon,

-Liz (:

 

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