I just wanted to thank you guys for all of the support and love you’ve sent my way through this difficult time. I’ve had my week to spend with my family and had time to do through the many phases this difficult time brings, but I am now inspired and motivated more than ever to continue to move forward with TNTH.
Many of you guys had reached out to me personally and told me that the blog was a very honest representation of myself, and that’s all I really wanted my blog to be. I’m not ashamed or afraid to show a real representation of myself because I have nothing to hide. I am an actual functioning human being with actual feelings and emotions asides being a positive, bubbly person.
With that being said, here’s this week’s Self-Appreciation Saturday.
One of the hardest things to undergo in life is the aftermath of a friendship that either you or your friend decided to end. It’s not easy not going to that person anymore to gossip or share a good laugh, and it’s definitely not easy-going about your days not spending time with them.
I’ve dealt with a lot of friendship breakups, especially ones that were closest to me. At first, you feel like that person took a part of you away with them, but just like everything else in life, you learn to live without it after a while.
But with friendship breakups comes a lot of thinking and re-evaluating one self, especially if things ended abruptly. Sometimes, you may feel like you’re to blame, and other times you begin to resent your once-called “friend”. Either way, both sides of the lawn are not green in a situation like this.
So, how do you deal with post-friendship breakup emotions?
For starters, don’t convince yourself by saying that what happened “does not matter”. You know when you break up with your partner in a relationship and proceed to act like it wasn’t a big deal, but really you’re hurt or angry or whatever you could be feeling? The same feelings come through when ending a friendship as well. Convincing yourself that the end of this particular friendship isn’t a big deal is doing you and your friend no justice. Why put effort and real love for a person in a friendship if it “never really mattered”? You’re human and you’re allowed to express emotions. If you’re feeling hurt, feel it. If you’re feeling confused, feel it. Without doing so, you’re just bottling up unexpressed emotions, which is never a good thing to do.
Think back and ask yourself if the friendship is worth fighting for. Sometimes (especially girls and women) we tend to argue and fight and end friendships over irrelevant and immature situations. If you’re mad at your friend because they didn’t invite you out to the bar over the weekend or mad because your friend is friends with a person you dislike, then you need to really think if what you guys are arguing about really that life-changing. At the end of the day, these situations can be easily talked over and compromised. If you guys can agree to disagree for the sake of your friendship, then cool.
Don’t play the victim card. The absolute worst thing to do when there’s friendship mayhem between you and a friend is to make yourself the victim. Playing the victim card is something that teenagers do and when you do it in your 20’s, more drama will come out of this friendship breakup. If your friend tells you that they feel like you haven’t supported them in a while, don’t respond with “I’m always supporting you and I’m now upset because you think I don’t support you when really I do like how can you say something like that…” Blah blah blah. I always say this to people who ask me for friendship advice: if you feel a type of way when someone confronts you with something, then you are to blame. People who own up to their mistakes and take responsibility for their actions have a higher chance of fixing things with their friend. If you’re going to take everything they are telling you and throw it back at them, then your turnout for this friendship is going to end up being really messy.
If it’s a toxic friendship, end it/be glad that it ended. I’ve had my moments with toxic friendships; I think we all have. The last toxic friendship I had ended long before it officially ended, and I promise that many of you may feel like that with a friend right now. If deep down you believe that there are more cons in the friendship than pro, chances are that person isn’t really your friend in the first place. Toxic friendships can be just as damaging as a toxic relationship. Toxic friendships cause you to act out of character just to fit your friend’s perspective of you. They cause you to act differently to your other friends by singling them out of your life one-by-one. They cause you to feel different things that you are not used to, hence changing your traits and personality. If you can admit to yourself that your friendship with a person is toxic, end it immediately before things are too late.
Know your guidelines of friendship from that day forward. Because I used to keep around a lot of toxic friendships, I’ve learned to set a certain guideline for myself to see if a person is just an acquaintance or an actual friend. One of my guidelines of friendship is that no matter long or short you’ve know me, I demand support and respect from you and I’ll give you the same. People will manipulate you and say that they support you and respect you, but nothing speakers louder than a person’s actions. If their actions don’t match up to what they’re saying, then they aren’t really there for you. These guidelines will help you weed out who is truly on your level, versus those who don’t stand tall enough to be on your level.
Know your worth. A person who has a friend that constantly comes back after endless arguments or who doesn’t think for themselves will take advantage of their friend. That person will view you as simply being the friend “who always comes back”. I always say that the first time you go back is perfectly fine, the second time is okay, the third time is questionable, and the fourth time or beyond is too many chances. I say this being a person who was taken back more than four times, and it all depends on the person who is taking you back. Some people may drop you the first time shit gets rocky, and others will take you back the 10th time before they end the friendship. My preference, definitely three strikes and you’re out. If you keep forgiving the people who are constantly hurting your friendship, that person isn’t gonna think that much of you. And that’s when toxic friendships develop.
Lastly, be open-minded about new friendships. After ending almost all my high-school friendships during college, I had a problem making actual friends most of my college career. Despite not having a normal college dorm life, I never trusted anyone enough to actually reach out and have an actual functioning friendship with them. Most of my college years was just me doing my thing in order to graduate on time, and I guess once I started to be more open-minded about people, I began to make some friends in college, preferably in my Acting classes during my senior year of college. Some of those friendships aren’t as strong as they once were, but I still got the chance to call them my friends, those who have supported me and respected me as a person since we all met. Because of me being open-minded about new potential friendships, I connected with a person who I never thought in a million years I’d be friends with, Tori! Sometimes, you need to just let old things go to let new ones come in. Of course, it’s easier said than done, but if you know who you are as person, have guidelines for what a friend is to you, and if you trust yourself enough to start new friendships with new people, then allow yourself to do so! Take the risk knowing that life goes on, you grow out of old friends, and make new ones who fit the person you currently are!
Overcoming something like this doesn’t happen overnight. It could take you a couple of weeks, or it can take you a couple of years like it did for me. Your friends are an extension of who you are, so be friends with people who are just as awesome and supportive like you!
This was me. I sometimes like to call her “dumbass Liz” because, well, you’ll find out.
I’ve experienced 23 years of life, but I can only remember 19 of those years because who can actually remember anything significant before they are four years old? I’ve had my ups and downs every year, but 2012 was a different type of year for me. Five years later and I can say this was the absolute worst year I’ve ever lived. That’s not an exaggeration.
Lemme explain.
This was me on my 18th birthday. My birthday was on a school day, and for the most part, I had many people show love to me and wish me a Happy Birthday. After school, I went out with a person who was really into and infatuated with, and we both had an amazing time out and about around the city.
A week later, everything turned upside down.
I am not going to sit here and tell you what happened (it’s all on my Tuesday post on the Importance of Mental Health) but I am also not going to sit here and play myself as a victim, because I wasn’t. I will take responsibility for the things I’ve done, for the people I hurt, and for the lies that I’ve told. I wasn’t the greatest person in the world. Not only was I starting to become depressed, I started to make drastic changes without any second thought about it.
In March, I made this huge transition to being completely blonde for the first time. The process of stripping out my brunette hair color to this pale yellow/platinum blonde literally took my sister 6 hours to do. I came to school that next morning and had everyone turntheir heads towards me. I can’t lie, becoming blonde was something I enjoyed doing because it was something different and something new, and nobody in my grade had the guts to even put bleach in their natural hair. I started to stand out in the crowd, and shortly after, I started to be in more social settings.
Despite still feeling the aftermath of what happened earlier that year, 2012 was my senior year of high-school which meant “Senior Spirit Week” was a thing:
Since I went to a performing arts high school, I was also in the vocal program; a member of the highest ranking choir within the entire program: Performing Choir.
It was my third and final year being a part of such an amazing choir with amazingly talented people. (Fun fact: Ariel Tejada, aka Kylie Jenner’s Make-Up Artist, was a member of Performing Choir as well.) Performing Choir traveled around these different places and performed at different locations over the years. In 2012 specifically, we performed at Carnegie Hall, Temple University in Philadelphia, The Statue of Liberty on ABC’s Good Morning America , and in Connecticut to some place that I totally don’t remember where exactly. In the midst of my depression, Performing Choir was really the only reason why I got up in the mornings to go to school. It was my way of focusing on something that wasn’t my thoughts and problems.
Urban Word’s Brooklyn OpenMic Night @ Brooklyn Public Library.
In an attempt to cure my depression, I took on a new hobby, which was spoken poetry. I became apart of an organization called Urban Word NYC, a place where teens were allowed to go to workshops and express themselves through writing and sharing poetry. For the most part, my craft in poetry was improving a lot and I finally felt like I belonged. To this day, I feel like some of my greatest poetry came out of this era, and sadly it’s one of the reasons why I don’t write poetry anymore. It reminds me of the dark times in my life.
But like everything else, my depression and my need for someone to heal me took over. I made mistakes that hurt the very few people who still cared about me after all that happened, and I decided to leave. I haven’t been back since… I want to say October 2012.
Prom 2012. (PC: DSP)Graduation 2012.
High-school finally ended, which meant I was finally going to part ways with old and toxic friendships and head into college with a fresh start.
Boy was I wrong.
My first semester in college was horrific. This new stress piled on top of lingering old stress and issues made it hard for me to focus in school. Although I passed my classes at the end, it didn’t mean it felt good barely passing. By the end of 2012, I wanted to drop out. By the end of 2012, I let go of the little hope I had for myself and simply began to just be there in dead space. I wasn’t me anymore and by this time, I was still holding on to toxic and abusive friendships, and all the help people try providing for me began to vanish.
Central Park. (PC: Leona Lee)
The majority of my 2012 was me trying to simply fit into groups and places that I normally wouldn’t fit into and fake a smile along the way. 2012 was simply the start of my depression, and the start of one of the hardest process to live through. You see a smile on my face here, but this is what depression disguises itself to be. I look back at this and remember what I was going through this time of my life. I was on the verge of academic probation, the person who I was still infatuated with began to treat me like shit, my friendship with Obie was on its last legs, and I was still living in someone else’s shadow for my own protection.
I sometimes miss this girl because of how thinner, creative, and talented she was. But I know I don’t really miss her. I don’t miss spending my senior year of high-school crying on the bathroom floor when everyone else was out celebrating. I don’t miss seeing Obie, the person I was always secretly in love with, being with another woman and slow-dancing with her at Prom. I don’t miss the constant paranoia for my life. I don’t miss seeing myself as this awful person. I don’t miss the suicidal thoughts and self-harming sessions.
2012 was the absolute worst year I’ve experienced, but it’s the year that made me who I am today. Because of that, I am forever grateful to had experienced it that year.
“In order to help people survive, you must tell the story of your own survival.”
Five years ago on January 17th, I had a nervous breakdown. I went to school that day not feeling like myself. I remember my favorite sweater had little blood stains on the sleeves where my forearm was located. The previous night, I had self-harmed myself. I went to my guidance counselor that morning and was too afraid to return to my classes, and when he made me go back, I fell apart. This day was the first of many bad days, and the beginning of a downward spiral I called life.
During the first couple of months into that year, I was severely depressed. I pushed all of my good friends away from me, the people who I thought were my good friends all turned their backs on me, I had a bad reputation with the people I once cared for, and I was constantly fearing for my well-being.
All in all, I was a victim of severe mental bullying.
Because of my severe depression and paranoia over the things that were said and done, I began to make choices and decisions that not only affected me, but began to affect those who were scared for me, and trying to help me out. But even then the people who keep trying to help you, get tired of helping a helpless person.
By April, I felt what it was like to truly be alone. Shortly after that, I had constant suicidal thoughts. “What if I just let a driving car hit me in full speed? What if I drank the entire bottle of NyQuil tonight to help me sleep forever? Would anyone care if I was gone?”
It was my lowest point in my life thus far.
It took me a very long time to gain back control of my life. The constant fear and loneliness I felt always came back. The recovery stage of my life took years to complete. Sometimes I feel like I’m still at that stage of my life. In some sort of strange way, I can only imagine this is what PTSD feels like. But after it all, I came out of it a better person. Those traumatic events help define me because I am who I am because of them. It’s why I’m an advocate for proper mental health awareness and self-care.
Many people don’t realize that being mentally healthy is just as important as being physically healthy. People will live most of their lives with these problems; some are too afraid to admit that they might be mentally ill because of the stigma mental health has. “People with mental illnesses are dumb and stupid, they’re just damaged goods” is just one of the many things I’ve heard peopledescribe mental illness. Mental illness is just as important to treat, just how cancer, chronic illnesses, and physical illnesses are.
I was lucky to get myself out of my own depression. I know a lot of people who aren’t fortunate enough to handle their depression and get out of it. Depression is so much more than “just being sad”. People who have depression attempt and commit suicide more than any other diagnosed mental disorder. It constantly makes every feeling you have ten times worse; you feel lonely when you’re not, you feel hopelessness and unworthy when you’re not, and you feel sad even when you’re smiling.
All people heal differently. I know my coping mechanisms may not work on some people, and that’s okay. As a survivor, many other people’s methods of coping didn’t work on me. Find your own or tweak some of these universal tips that I most certainly found helpful while coping with depression:
Write down how you are feeling in a journal. Keeping strong emotions bottled up inside isn’t healthy for anyone. If you feel like your inner bottle is filled to the rim, empty it by writing down how you feel. Releasing that on pen and paper helps you organize the emotions that you’re really feeling. It puts those feelings out in the world, and not stuck in your mind.
Find a hobby. My hobby when I was trying to get over my depression was watching TV Crime dramas, oddly enough. I started to watch The Killing and interacted with the Twitter community that these two women created. That fandom seriously saved my life. Find something that will ease your mind. I know a lot of people who use art as a source of relaxation; so grab an adult coloring book and color. Draw/paint something. Relax your mind.
Go for long walks. Every now and then when I need to clear my mind, I get out the house and go walking for as long as I need to. Focusing your energy on walking and being naturally alert of the things around you will help you clear out any lingering negative thoughts you may be thinking or feeling.
Always talk to someone when you are feeling down.I use to bottle up my emotions because I always felt like nobody wanted to listen to my issues or problems. When I realized that the only way I was going to get a second opinion on things was to talk to someone else, that’s when I found my one person to always talk to when I’m feeling down. My best friend, Obie, is that person for me. Finding a person who will allow you to talk will be hard to find and trust at first and if you can’t find someone to talk to, there are communities out there dedicated to talking to you when you are down. Just know you are not alone.
Always know that this feeling is temporary and things get better. When you experience something that was traumatic or life-altering, at first it does leave an emotional scar on you that could take a really long time to heal; I’m still trying to let mine heal after all these years. Just because you can’t make the scar disappear completely, doesn’t mean you can’t overcome the effect of it. Look at your emotional scars as motivation to come out of things stronger and better.
Don’t be afraid to get help. Sometimes, your last resort is to finally go and see a therapist and have a professional handy to help you with any psychological issues. You are not weak for doing so, but rather really strong for admitting you need the extra help. The quicker you accept this and look past it, the faster you’ll feel better about yourself.
At the end of the day, your mental health is extremely important. If your mind is healthy, you will start making decisions that are healthy for you. Your mentality is your reality, so make everyday a great one by simply taking care of your mental health.
I made it my mission to get my mind healthy again. I survived it. You can too.
-Liz (:
*All images included in this post belong to the person who created these wonderful, beautiful statements about mental health and self-care.
Letters From Liz. 