Black Sheep in Society.

Surprised Little Black Sheep: A Scene.

liz

The Brooklyn air is crisp and cold these days; the leaves are barely hanging onto the trees and the sun isn’t as bright as it once was. Coming out of an office building is Micah who is now standing on his own and healed from the bookstore incident. He looks down at his phone until his phone rings. He answers the phone.

Micah: Hey mom… yeah I just got out of the doctor’s office; he said everything is good. I’m taking the train home so I’ll be home soon… okay, love you too.

Micah hangs up the phone and walks in the direction of the train station. He walks down the street looking down at this phone until he bumps into a crowd of people with cameras. Micah immediately panics, thinking they will follow him after his break up with Kalia. He takes a detour and walks down a less familiar block towards the train station.

This block, in particular, has nothing but abandoned buildings. It makes Micah a little uneasy, but he continues to walk his path to the train station.

Stopping at one of the sidewalks waiting for the light to change, he sees a particular building with a long staircase extending toward the roof of the building. He sees someone standing there; a woman. As the light changes, he walks closer to the building, realizing the woman standing at the top of the stairs is someone he knows.

Micah: *to himself* Roe?

He takes his phone out of his sweater pocket and calls Rosie while looking at the woman at the staircase. The phone rings and without being surprised, the woman on the staircase answers the phone.

Rosie: Micah?

Micah: Hey Roe! I just wanted to let you know that everything went well at the doctor’s today. Got me walking like a normal person again.

Rosie: That’s great! Finally, you’ll be on campus again.

Micah keeps looking up at Rosie on the staircase.

Micah: Are you busy? I figured we could hang out before I–

Micah turns his head around and sees a very fancy car with black tinted windows driving alongside the street. It feels really out of the place with the run-down abandoned buildings. He sees the car park right outside of the abandoned building.

Rosie: Ahh, I can’t; I’m actually getting ready for plans I made with some friends.

Micah: Oh, alright; that’s cool…

He looks at the person getting out of the fancy car; to his surprise, it’s Prescott Jones: the heir millionaire he’s seen a couple of times at fancy events when he was with Kalia. He thinks back to the gala, remembering he saw Rosie there even though she denied it. He knew he wasn’t seeing things when he saw her there.

Micah: Well, text me whenever you’re free so we could talk about the test coming up–

Rosie: Yeah, I will; bye Micah!

He sees Rosie hang up the phone as Prescott walks up the long staircase. Micah gets annoyed that Rosie would lie to him about her plans, but what the fuck is Rosie doing with someone like Prescott Jones?

…

Micah gets home, still thinking about what he saw with Rosie. He looks up articles about Prescott Jones possibly being in a relationship, but nothing comes up.

Micah: Why the fuck would she give me a hard time about Kalia when she’s literally seeing someone like Prescott Jones…

He looks at his phone, tempted to call Rosie. He doesn’t understand why he feels the way he feels about Rosie and Prescott being together, but it bothers him. He picks up the phone and dials Rosie’s number.

…

Clothes are off, hands all over each other’s bodies, and Rosie and Prescott are both kissing each other in bed. Before things get too heated, Rosie’s phone rings on her nightstand. It makes her jump up and looks toward it. Prescott looks at the phone and reaches for it.

Rosie: Prescott, wait!

Prescott looks at the name on the phone; it reads “Micah”. He faces the phone toward Rosie to show her who it is. She’s mortified at that moment. Prescott throws Rosie off of him toward the empty side of her bed, getting up from it.

Rosie: Prescott, that’s just a friend of mine–

Prescott: You know, I would’ve believed you a month ago, but this motherfucker’s number is always coming up on your phone!

Rosie: You… you’ve looked through my phone?

Prescott: You’ve been acting weird lately, and like I get that you need money and shit, but you’ve been asking for so much lately and like… *looks around* You’re still living in this hole in the wall. And now this guy is always calling your phone and shit, like how am I supposed to feel knowing that all of a sudden, there’s another guy?!

Rosie: *upset* That doesn’t mean that you have every right to look through my phone!

Prescott: Yeah, I do if I’m fucking paying for that bill! Or is it your secret phone that you use for your other hookups? I knew you couldn’t be trusted.

Rosie: It’s not even like that! Fuck you for thinking that I would be that way when I told you countless times I’m not like that!

Prescott walks up to Rosie, looking down at her now. Rosie swallows hard.

Prescott: Don’t fuck with me, Rosie. I don’t have time to be dealing with your bullshit if it ever gets out. We had an agreement–

Rosie: An agreement you broke whenever you’re doing events and shit that you don’t take me to anymore!

Prescott: Not after the fucking scene you caused at the Placy Gala! You know, you’re not a woman you take out and flaunt to the world; you are just some slut that allows anyone to fuck her just so she can get a quick buck because she’s incapable of doing anything right.

Rosie doesn’t say anything, she just grabs her phone and throws it in Prescott’s direction; hitting the wall next to him. He turns around and grabs Rosie by the arms, lifting her up from the ground.

Prescott: Try some shit like that with me again and I’ll fucking break your arms.

He squeezes harder which makes Rosie wince in pain.

Rosie: Prescott! Stop!

Prescott: Do I make myself clear?

Rosie: *pleads* Yes! Please just stop!

Prescott drops Rosie, which makes her collapse on the floor. Prescott reaches into his wallet and throws a couple of hundred dollar bills at Rosie before walking out. She doesn’t lookup.

Prescott: Don’t call me for more money. I’ll call you when I need you.

Prescott opens the door and walks out. Rosie weeps on the floor.

The "Something" Series: Season 2

Something in the Coffee: A Duo Monologue.

liz

It was Grace standing there.

It was Jamie sitting there.

She kept fidgeting with her memo pad and pen in her hands. She kept looking back to the woman who clearly looked like the owner of this cafe. I couldn’t stop staring at Grace; is this even Grace? Have I lost my mind to the point where I’m now seeing her and hearing her voice in places that I shouldn’t be?

She quickly turns her head back towards me. Her red hair was shorter, a lot shorter; her curls bounced whenever she turned her head.

I looked back at Jamie, not really believing it was Jamie. What were the odds he was at the same place I was in? Ari wouldn’t tell him where I was, or anyone for that matter. I felt tonight’s dinner turn in my stomach, like this couldn’t be Jamie. His hair wasn’t blonde anymore; it was the darkest shade of blue-black I could imagine. It was wavy, pulled back, and he didn’t have his glasses on. Who was this man? Why does he look and speak just like Jamie?

I realized I didn’t say anything for a while and I haven’t moved from the spot I was standing. I cleared my throat, telling myself that I only had an hour left to my shift.

“Wh-What would you like, sir?” I said, trying to remain as professional as possible. He’s just another customer… that you fell absolutely in love with at one point in your life. He doesn’t stop looking at me, so I quickly look back to Sharon, my bitch of a boss who takes her job way too seriously for a cafe on boardwalk.

Jamie takes a while to respond. He places the menu back on the table.

“I’ll take an Iced Americano,” I said to Grace. She looks down at her memo pad and quickly turns away from me.

“You want it with a little bit of creamer, right?” She said it so quickly, I didn’t even realize that she remembered. She stopped in her tracks, probably regretting that she remembered. I look back at her as she turned around. She looks so different with some color on her skin.

“Yes,” I answered back. She didn’t say anything to me; she just walked towards the back of the cafe. I felt like I could finally breathe, knowing that she wasn’t near me anymore.

I felt like I could finally breathe, knowing that he wasn’t near me anymore. I placed my memo pad on the counter in the back, shutting my eyes tight in hopes that I was possibly dreaming. He can’t be here. That’s not him. That can’t be Jamie; the Jamie I know wouldn’t ever wear blue jeans, first of all. Also, he nearly looks unrecognizable without his glasses on.

The barista in the back of the cafe hands me the Iced Americano. I take a deep breath and exit the back. The sooner I give him his drink, the better.

She comes out from the back, and I felt my face get hot once more. She walks towards my table and places the coffee on it.

“Here you go,” Grace politely said. I nod my head, thanking her for it. “Do you need anything else?” she asks.

I shake my hand in protest. “No no, I’m alright. Thank you,” I answered back. She looks down at my every move.

“Fuck,” Grace quickly said, then immediately regretted it once she saw my reaction. I was genuinely confused at what came over her. She sighs, pointing at my wrist.

I couldn’t help but notice. I should have kept my mouth shut. What was the use anyway? It’s already out there.

“Your bracelet,” Grace finally says. I look down at it, surprised she remembers it.

“Yeah,” I began to say. I looked back up at her, nothing but seriousness in my eyes. “The love of my life gifted me this.” I don’t know what came over me and why I even said it. I guess because she knew. She knew exactly what it was and noticed it. I had to let her know what it meant to me, but I was afraid I was going to scare her away.

She froze in place, and then looked back at the woman in the back.

“Is that your boss?” I immediately changed the subject. I didn’t want her to run. She turned back around, now looking a little calmer than she did before.

“Yeah, she’s an uptight bitch,” Grace said, and I couldn’t help but laugh. It was like I got a glimpse of the Grace I know, or knew. The thought fades my smile away slowly until Grace speaks again.

“I could feel my boss’ eyes on me, wondering why I’ve been standing in the same place for too long,” I said while fidgeting in place. He smiles once more, and I can’t lie; it was a sight that I missed. The way his eyes smiled when he did. It’s like I could see him perfectly now that his glasses aren’t on.

“Well,” Jamie began to say, getting up from the table. “I should be getting back to my friends at the bar.”

Without hesitation, I began talking to him like it was just normal for us to carry a conversation. “Oh? Shawn and Kevin?” I asked. I knew it had to be those two. If brotherhood was a living, breathing image, it would be Jamie, Shawn, and Kevin. But I couldn’t help but wonder if they’re here because they’re doing another case. What was it about America that these three loved anyway?

“Yeah,” I said as I nodded my head. “They’re at the bar a couple of stores down on the boardwalk,” I continued.

“Ugh, that place?” Grace said without even hesitating. “That very much screams Summer tourist attraction central,” she continued. I couldn’t help but laugh. Grace always knew how to make me laugh even when she wasn’t trying.

“Yeah, so I should go back to them and help them out,” I calmly said.

Seeing Jamie get up from the booth took my breath away in ways I didn’t even realize. How the fuck did this man still have this affect on me? Even after everything that has happened between us, it’s like he always had this fucking hold over me.

“Uhm, maybe,” I began to say. He looks back at me; his eyebrow slightly scrunched in curiosity. I felt the wind literally knock the words out of me. Fuck, what am I doing? Why am I getting Jamie involved in my life again? “Maybe we could grab a coffee sometime… of course, in another coffee shop; it doesn’t have to be here, or–” My voice began to get hoarse. Jamie didn’t say anything back right away, since my boss calls out for me and I turned my head to face her.

Grace was something else. I wasn’t expecting her to want to ever speak to me again, yet here we are. I hesitate at first for a moment; I truly didn’t want Grace to feel like she needed to speak to me, and I also didn’t want to feel obligated to speak to Grace because of our history. It was a rough one, and for most people this wouldn’t have gone the way it went for us. Other people would’ve cause a scene, accused one another of foul behavior and then stormed off without a trace. Not us. We were never conventional anyway.

She looks back at her boss once she hears her name being called. I knew right then and there I had to do something; she was going to run off and I couldn’t let that happen. I will not let her run off, truly because I waited so long to finally see her and hear her voice.

I grabbed her memo pad and pen, which made her quickly turn around back at me.

“I don’t want you to get in trouble,” I began to say as I wrote in her memo pad. “And I should get back to Shawn and Kevin before they do something illegal or something…” I wrote my phone number down and ripped it out of the memo pad. I looked back at her; my God she was beautiful. I looked at her and folded the piece of paper and placed it in her apron pocket.

“Whenever you’re ready,” I simply said.

“Whenever you’re ready,” he said as he placed a piece of paper inside the pocket of my apron. I don’t say anything back; Jamie just starts to walk out of the cafe with his iced americano in his hand. I couldn’t help but watch him leave the cafe up until the very last moment the door closed behind him. I went to get the paper in my apron pocket. I grabbed the piece of paper and unfold it. I bite the inside of my lip when I read the phone number on the paper with his name on me.

Fuck. What did I get myself into again?

Black Sheep in Society.

Study Session in BlackSheep-ology: A Scene.

liz

Rosie knocks on the front door in the rain. An older woman opens the door and looks at the young girl. She opens the door so that Rosie could walk in. She does.

Before moving further into the house, the woman reminds her to leave her umbrella and wet shoes near the door. She rolls her eyes and does what she’s told. When she’s finished, she looks at the woman accompanying her.

Woman: He’s in his office.

Rosie looks away and walks down the long hallway. When she finally reaches the office, she walks in and sees Prescott sitting at the desk. He turns around when he hears one of the floorboards creak.

Prescott: *angry* I told you to knock before–

He notices Rosie standing there.

Prescott: *dismissive* Sorry, that wasn’t for you.

He turns around back towards his desk. Rosie slowly walks into the office where Prescott is.

Rosie: Everything alright?

Prescott: *annoyed* No, nothing is going right. My lousy fucking business partner doesn’t know how to fucking run his half of the business!

Rosie flinches at the volume of Prescott’s uproar. He looks at Rosie and takes a deep breath.

Prescott: I’m sorry, Rosie. I’m just really stressed.

Rosie: Yeah, well don’t take it out on me. I just wanted to check on you–

Prescott: You need more money?

Rosie is taken back. She gets angry.

Rosie: You think I just come over every time I need money?

Prescott: Well the last three times have been just that.

Rosie: Well you weren’t fucking complaining!

Prescott: I just asked you a simple fucking question, Rosie. No need to get upset over things that are the truth.

Rosie: *upset* Well excuse me for actually giving a shit about you. Like, when was the last time I saw your mom or dad home?

Prescott slaps Rosie across the face. Rosie holds her face in shock. Prescott remains stern.

Prescott: I don’t give a fuck about what you say, but don’t you dare talk about my family like you fucking know them.

Rosie doesn’t say anything. She grabs her bag and attempts to walk out. Prescott grabs her by the arm.

Rosie: Get off of me!

Prescott tries to get a hold of Rosie and when he successfully does, he kisses her. Rosie tries to stop it; Prescott grabs Rosie by the face to talk to her face-to-face.

Prescott: Let’s be honest with each other. You need money, and I need to get my mind off of things.

Rosie doesn’t say anything to Prescott. She continues to look at him directly in the face.

…

Rosie knocks on the front door in the rain. An older woman opens the door and looks at the young girl. The older woman smiles.

Jennifer: Hey, Rosie.

Jennifer lets Rosie into the house.

They walk into the living room area; Jennifer closes the door behind them.

Jennifer: Micah’s in his room.

Rosie: Thank you, Mrs. Kamalani.

Rosie walks toward Micah’s bedroom and knocks on the open door. Micah turns around from his desk to see Rosie standing at his door. He smiles.

Micah: Hey, Roe–

Micah attempts to clean up the space on his bed.

Micah: Sorry if it’s a mess, I didn’t get the chance to clean it up…

Rosie: Dude, you’re literally in a cast; you’re fine.

Micah shakes his head and laughs. Rosie comes into the room and helps him out. When they both get situated, Rosie goes into her bag and takes out a folder of papers for Micah.

Rosie: Here’re the notes you missed for the last couple of classes…

Micah: Thanks again for doing this. You know you didn’t have to do this.

Rosie doesn’t say anything; she takes out her books and goes to the page where she left off in her notes.

Rosie: It’s cool…

Micah looks at Rosie; concerned.

Micah: You’re okay, Roe?

Rosie: Yeah, I’m fine; just feeling a bit tired.

Micah: You know you don’t have to stay if you don’t want to. Like, you’ve been doing a lot for me anyway.

Rosie: *annoyed* I’m here already, so just drop it.

Micah slowly towards around toward his desk before Rosie speaks again.

Rosie: I’m sorry. That wasn’t for you, it’s just…

Rosie stops herself before she continues. She constructs what she wants to say in her head.

Rosie: … I’m having a shitty day.

Micah turns back around, placing his folder of notes on his desk.

Micah: Wanna talk about it?

Rosie: *shakes her head* No, it’s fine. I’ll deal with it.

Nothing is sad between them until Rosie looks at the bedroom wall and sees an award there with the name “Salem Kamalani.”

Rosie: *points towards the award* Is your first name Salem?

Micah looks at the direction Rosie’s hand is pointing, in which he looks back at Rosie.

Micah: Yeah.

Rosie: Is it, like, Salem as the “Salem Witch Trails”?

Micah: *scoffs* That is the very reason why I don’t go by my first name… It’s “Sal-lim”, not “Sal-lem”. I’m named after my great grandfather on my mom’s side.

Rosie nods.

Rosie: At least your name was thought out. Mine was picked just because my parents liked it.

Micah: But “Rosie” is a normal-sounding name. I kinda wish my parents thought about my name more before giving me something like “Salem”. I think my folks knew that in the beginning; they wouldn’t have called me “Micah” my whole life.

Rosie: So, “Salem” is now just your stage name?

Micah cocks his eyebrow up.

Micah: How would you know that?

Rosie: The waitress at the milkshake spot told me that only me and “Salem” get the peanut butter cup swirl milkshakes.

Micah: *laughs* I forgot about that! Yeah, I just use it as my stage name because it’s “edgy” and “different”… *thinks out loud* more like being a black sheep.

Rosie: *confused* You? A black sheep? *annoyed* You live in a house with your parents and sisters that love you. You’re trying to make your dream into reality with the support of your family having your back in school and funds and whatever the fuck you need in order to survive. You don’t have to hide who you are because your family will deem you a “black sheep”. Take it from somewhere who is a legit “black sheep”. You’re not one.

Rosie looks down at her notebook, flipping the pages and “studying”. Micah looks at Rosie, a little annoyed at her behavior.

Micah: My girlfriend broke up with me because I couldn’t adapt to her lifestyle in the way she wanted me to. I couldn’t be myself whenever it came to her. Like, I fucking had to fake an entire persona just so that the media would make her look good and decent.

Rosie: She’s a fucking brat, that’s why.

Micah: *annoyed* No, I didn’t fit into her lifestyle anymore. We weren’t on the same level anymore. She was maturing and getting her life together while I pretended to be put together. I couldn’t do it anymore, and I guess my lack of trying to fit into her world made her realize that taking a job in Sweden was more important than being with me.

Rosie: Not to be on her side, but she did what she wanted to do. She didn’t– and doesn’t– live to please you, just how’d you shouldn’t live to please her.

Micah: My point, Rosie, is that even though by your standards of what a “black sheep” I’m not one, you gotta remember you only know what I tell and show you. Just how I only know what you show and tell me.

Rosie’s face softens; she looks regretful.

Rosie: I’m… sorry. I shouldn’t have assumed but–

Rosie places her book on the bed and leans back on it with her arms.

Rosie: You have family and friends that care about you. Some of us black sheep don’t even have that much in our lives…

Micah gets up from his chair and limps his way next to Rosie. He sits next to her and gives her a hug. Once he breaks up the hug, he looks at Rosie who is now visibly confused.

Micah: I care about you, Roe, so you also don’t qualify with those “black sheep” you speak about.

Rosie slightly smiles.

Rosie: Thanks.

Rosie grabs her notebook from the side of the bed to place it in her bookbag.

Rosie: I have to get going, but I’ll make sure I have the other lessons photocopied for you.

Micah: Roe, you really don’t have to do all of that. That shit can get expensive.

Before Rosie zips her bag closed and puts it on her back, she looks at Micah.

Rosie: Too late, I already started doing this for you.

Rosie begins to walk out of the bedroom.

Micah: Thanks for stopping by, Roe. I really do appreciate it.

Rosie nods and leaves the bedroom. Once she walks toward the front door of the house, she begins to shed tears.

The "Something" Series: Season 2

Something Intangible, Unfathomable: A Monologue.

liz

Back at this damn pier. Shawn, Kevin, and I walk on the boardwalk together; lights surround the different storefronts and people are still very active on the pier. Shawn is the one that leads us on the boardwalk, knowing where this bar is. I couldn’t pretend and act like I wasn’t nervous. I nearly poked my eyes trying to put in my contacts in them. Kevin was shocked to see that for the first time in a really long time, my hair was brushed back and I was putting on contact lenses. I guess I had to play the role of “someone who was ready to mingle”. I definitely wasn’t.

We finally reach the bar on the boardwalk. It’s definitely a tourist attraction, considering how many people were already at the bar. All three of us stand in front of it. Shawn, who is the most excited, turns back around and looks at Kevin and me.

“Isn’t this a cool place?” Shawn asks us. I can’t lie, it was a really nice place. Maybe tonight will be a good night.

“Let’s have some fun!” I said. Kevin looks at me and sighs when I walk into the bar with Shawn. He follows behind us.

We look around and see a lot of different women in the bar. Mainly are with other women, on the dancefloor with drinks in their hands. Before I know it, Shawn pulls me towards the bar to begin drinking for the night.

“Ya, aren’t we gonna wait for Kevin?” I asked Shawn. I looked over at Kevin, who is slowly walking towards us, not amused at the environment. Typical for Kevin, even if he wasn’t in a relationship.

Before I got an answer, Shawn orders a round of shots for us. He looks at me as he waits for me to get my shot off of the bar top. He holds it up before cheering us on for the night.

“To us having the time of our lives in America!” Shawn toasted with his shot. We both clinked our drinks before chugging them down. It was definitely a harsh shot. I believe it was Tequila?

…

The night progresses and Shawn and I have moved to the dance floor. The shots definitely helped me loosen up for the night. The music is loud, and women begin to walk towards us to dance. Shawn grabs the hand of one woman and begins to dance with her. A woman walks up to me; she’s short and petite with brown hair. Her hair is braided to the side. She was cute; really cute to be exact.

“I’m Selena,” the woman confidently said. She began to dance with me, and I felt the drinks and situation rush straight to my head. I don’t know if it just was hot in the bar due to the summer heat, but my face was sweaty and immediately red. “What’s your name?” She looked up at me.

“Jamie,” I shyly answered. She looks at me and smiles, then giggles. She’s definitely drunk.

“That’s a cute name! Are you from around here? I don’t think I ever saw you here!” She asked. I’m not in the right mind to understand her completely; it was like my English was quickly disappearing from my knowledge.

“Eung,” I didn’t even realize I answered back in Korean, but she was so lost in the crowd and music that she didn’t even realize that it wasn’t English. She giggles and grabs my hand to drag me towards the middle of the dance floor. She begins to press her body against me, and suddenly the bar is spinning. I don’t see Shawn on the dance floor anymore, and I don’t see Kevin at the bar stand anymore.

“Grace, you need to rest. Come on–” I began to help Grace to sit on the sofa, but she yanks her arm away from me and continues to cry.

“No! I- I need to let this out or else it’s just gonna eat me alive!” She cried out.

“You could tell me in the morning, come one you had too much to drink–“

“I’m so sorry, Jamie, I-I couldn’t keep it, I–“

I back away from the girl, in which she turns around to look at me.

“You’re okay, John?” she asked. I don’t answer her, I just walk away from the dance floor quickly, and straight out of the bar.

I walked out and took a deep breath. It was definitely cooler out on the boardwalk than it was in the bar. My head finally stops spinning. What the fuck was that about? I haven’t thought about that last night with Grace since returning back to Korea a couple of months ago. I thought I was over it when I lost contact with her. I was supposed to “let her go”. I was trying to let her go. Tonight was supposed to prove that I was letting her go. Maybe it’s just useless. Maybe Grace is just that one that got away. She was. She is.

My phone begins to ring in my pocket, which I picked it up. It was Kevin.

“Hyung, where’d you go?” Kevin asked. The music in the background was making my head pound all over again.

“I had to get some air, I’m not really feeling good…” I respond back. I can hear Shawn shouting, telling Kevin to tell me to come back. I felt bad leaving Kevin with Shawn, but I couldn’t go back in there.

“Are you going home?” Kevin asked.

“No, no… I’m just going to go for a walk. I’ll be back in a few,” I answered. Kevin said his goodbyes for the time being and hung up the phone. I look further down the boardwalk to see if there was a place open that wasn’t greasy, massive or just something that wouldn’t make me puke the alcohol in my system up. I began walking down the boardwalk, seeing everyone around me have fun on this summer night. For a trip that was meant to be a last hoorah with the guys and fun, it’s looking like this is possibly the worst trip to America I had. Even my dictionary days were better than this.

I see a small cafe open and suddenly I knew I needed some coffee to keep me together. I didn’t hesitate to walk in. It was a cafe very suitable for the boardwalk; it was tropical summer-themed, which I found cute. It was also called “Brew Ha-Ha Cafe”. Can’t go wrong with a cute little cafe to help out this tipsy foreigner.

I walked in and sat at a booth. Mna, it feels good to just sit down in a quiet place. There weren’t that many people in here at this time of night; I’m not surprised though. I began to look through their drink menu and opted for the Iced Americano.

I don’t remember how it happened, probably because I thought it was the alcohol getting the best of me. I thought I was hearing things. Aigoo, please just leave me alone. I placed the menu on the table and looked up.

She looked back at me, mortified. Perhaps I did as well.

“Grace?” I softly said to her.

Music Reviews

Victon’s 7th Mini Album, “Chaos” Album Review! 🍷

liz

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

You already know that whenever you see an album review on the blog, it’s because Victon made a comeback! So, within the ALICE community, we were speculating a comeback literally any day now. The boys were getting busier with schedules, they were being a little more secretive than usual, and when they performed “Time of Sorrow” on MCountdown as a special stage, both Seungsik and Hanse were rocking some new hair. As a kpop stan, that truly means one thing: a group is prepping for a comeback! So when it was announced in early May that they were making a comeback, it didn’t come as a major surprise to us because we were preparing for it. Victon’s last comeback was in January with their 3rd Single Album, Chronograph; the group’s first comeback in a year since their 1st Full Album, VOICE: The future is now and the first in their “Time Trilogy” series. Chaos will be the second in the time trilogy, and the group’s first mini-album since March 2020 when they released their 6th Mini Album, Continuous.

Anyway without further ado, here is a very biased album review of Victon’s latest release: Chaos.

1.) “Stupid O’Clock”

Okay, so the first time they announced that a song like “Stupid O’Clock” would be their title track, I was a little taken aback! With further explanation (and google), apparently “stupid o’clock” is another way of calling something extremely early or late. Also, are we really surprised; this is Victon’s Time Trilogy we are talking about. Anyway, this is a really strong title track; it’s not too loud or in your face, and the chorus is insanely catchy; you hear it a complete of times and you’ll find yourself singing to it. The song features a funky bassline that I feel has been Victon’s new sound; it was also present in their b-side, “Want Me” (which totally makes sense in how they said this was like a hint to their next comeback). The lyrics are sexy, to say the least, with the chorus starting off with “Cuz you’re mine” and “I’ll make you dream all night” and again, that funky bass that screams a little bad boy sex appeal.

I honestly think this song can go viral; the dance to the song is simple, and the song is not hard to follow lyric-wise. Following this new sound that Victon has adapted into their title tracks, I feel like this has the potential to break some of their previous records and get a music show win! Manifesting that into the universe. Oh, and Seungsik starts off the song, so you already know it’s a fucking banger.

2.) “Bonnie and Clyde”

Today during their showcase, Victon revealed that this song was a contender for being the title track, which I totally understand. Personally, I’m glad it wasn’t just because the music reminds me a lot of how “Chronograph” is, but needless to say, this is a fun song. I really love Byungchan’s and Sejun’s voices in the chorus; you don’t think the beat would take a turn like that in the chorus but it works! Also, Hanse’s rap sounds so playful on this track; it’s really fun to just dance to this song. The lyrics are your typical “us against the world” type of vibe, reckless type of love thing, y’know? Although this song is crazy good, it’s not within my top 3 favorites (yet).

3.) “INK”

This is another song where the guitar makes you scrunch your face in disgust because it’s just so dirty. Also, excuse my dirty mind but without English translations to these songs, I would’ve assumed the lyric “love ink” was, well… Anyway! I very much do feel like Hanse was correct; this is his and Seungsik’s song because with Hanse’s rap and style of this song and Seungsik’s belt-like choruses, this song is good! Again, this isn’t my favorite off of the album (it’s perhaps my least favorite?) but I know with a few visits, I’ll be screaming “love ink” like it’s nothing and rapping over Subin’s “Why you calling for me? What you wanting from me?” in no time. The lyrics, though, are very clever with the wordplay and art. It’s a cool song and the sound is very different from what we are used to hearing from Victon!

4.) “Stay”

So, this song has been stuck in my head since I first listened to it and declared it my favorite b-side on this album! This song very much has a classic Victon sound to it, but still, it fits the mature concept they are going for. This is a sweet song to listen to, and can we talk about how we need more Chan intros to songs like his voice starting this song was the right choice to start off this vibe! Although this is Victon’s 4th song with the word “Stay” in it, the lyrics to this song are basically talking about someone you really like and you just want them to “stay, stay for a minute”. I love Seungsik’s little background vocal of “Stay!” that comes in after the chorus; it’s so cute and so fitting for him! It’s definitely on repeat and will most likely be for the entire summer.

5.) “In Love”

I didn’t think I would like this song as I much as I do, but I’m so glad I proved myself wrong! Y’all, don’t sleep on this song. This song is so light and beautiful and honestly, if Victon doesn’t sing this song at someone’s wedding, I will scream. This song, without being too obvious, is about two people being in love. Also, our maknae (youngest in the group) Subin co-wrote the lyrics to this song! He tends to always write the sweetest lyrics for Victon, I swear! This song is complete comfort; it warms you up inside and makes you smile all stupid; it’s your everyday love song. Seungsik’s high note at the bridge literally warmed me up when I first heard it. Not trying to be completely biased but he just did it so flawlessly and it was simply beautiful. If you think this song will make you cry, just wait until the last track is played.

6.) “Dear. young”

So, I really didn’t want to be a person in this fandom that was like “omg I feel this song on so many levels like it made me cry so hard!” But here we are… I cried on the bus from work when I heard this song. In a nutshell, “Dear. young” is a letter to their younger selves, to let them know that they thank them for all they endured in their younger days. It hurts, even more, to know that Seungsik wrote this song, but all 6 members really did this song so much justice. It’s a beautiful ballad and a beautiful way to end the album. Of course, having Subin sing the lyrics “dear young days, me I wanna say thank you” literally made me sob. A song hasn’t hit me this hard in the feels in so long; perhaps it’s because I understand wanting to thank your younger self for enduring everything life has thrown at them and to make them the person they are today. I cried, and it’s still a song that continues to make me cry when I listen to it… stay tuned for a “Dear. young” tattoo because she’s coming.

All in all, this album exceeded my expectations in all honesty. I am so glad these boys were able to release another mini album because let’s be real, it’s been long overdue since their last one! This comeback in particular, though, makes me miss Seungwoo. Hanse said it best at the showcase; he thought about Seungwoo a lot in the process of this album because it very much would’ve suited him! Hopefully, we can get one last OT7 comeback before, well, if you know, you know.

I hope this comeback is fun and cool and successful and that all the members stay healthy and hydrated! I can only imagine how difficult it is to do a summer comeback.

Victon fighting! See you guys for the finale of the Time Trilogy!

Black Sheep in Society.

A Black Sheep’s Return: A Scene.

liz

Micah walks into the building where the bookstore is located. He thinks about walking into the store to see if Rosie is working today. He opts going through the first floor and immediately goes towards the second floor where the textbooks and other supplies are located.

He enters the second floor of the bookstore and immediately notices the difference in atmosphere. It’s a lot quieter on the second floor with students strolling through the aisles and looking for their books. He slowly walks through the aisles to get one of his books for his class.

As he flips through the textbook, he immediately looks up and hears a familiar voice in the aisle in front of him. He looks through the shelves and sees that Rosie is helping a student look for their textbooks. Micah is taken back that she’s working up here, considering she’s always downstairs at the register. Once the student walks away from Rosie, he slowly loops around to the aisle she’s standing in. Her back is facing him; she doesn’t notice him standing there.

Micah: Any chance you can help me find a book for my class?

Rosie: *customer service voice* Hi, what book are you–

She turns around and sees Micah there. Her face immediately changes.

Rosie: What book are you looking for? How to be the Shittiest Person Alive? I believe you already own that book.

Micah: I’ll give you that because I was a shitty person to you and I’m sorry that it got to that point.

Rosie rolls her eyes and continues to place books on the top shelf as she stands on a step ladder.

Micah: I shouldn’t have pushed you the way I did. I was just so angry and embarrassed and didn’t know how to handle all of that.

Rosie doesn’t answer.

Micah: Like, I have sisters for fuck’s sake. I would’ve beaten the shit out of any guy that would put their hands on them for anything. I just want you to know how sorry I am and that if you never want to talk to me again because of that, I understand–

Rosie: You think I’m mad at you for that? *scoffs* I’ve literally had worse done to me than that… *puts books on shelf* My thing was that I was just trying to help you not make a dumb decision like buying drugs and shit, yet you did what you did and carried on like a fucking lunatic…

Rosie begins to stack the books angrily as she talks.

Rosie: You also literally let someone like Kalia fuck you up so hard when really she never seemed to be fucking worth it; like she wasn’t even at your biggest gig to date and you let her slide with that shit! You’re letting her fuck your whole life up and she can’t even be bothered since she’s busy living her preppy, rich, and glamorous life–

The stack of books are now too high, and they begin to fall forward. Rosie tries to catch them, but she loses her balance trying to catch them all. She falls back on the step ladder, in which Micah quickly runs toward Rosie and catches her before she hits her head on the other shelf in the aisle. The books fall mostly on Micah as he shields Rosie.

Rosie looks at Micah, who visibly looks in pain. She gets up from the ground, trying to help Micah up from the ground.

Rosie: Fuck, are you alright?!

Micah: *in pain* My foot!

Rosie panics and calls out for help from the other workers. The manager calls public safety to help with the situation.

…

Micah is seen sitting on the nurse’s bed with an ankle brace on. The nurse attempts to help Micah move his ankle and foot; he winces in pain.

Micah: Fuck! That hurts!

Nurse: Language, Mr. Kamalani…

The nurse helps Micah get off the bed and onto some crutches.

Nurse: It’s best if you stay off your feet for at least a week, and then regularly use the crutches for about a month.

The nurse takes her gloves off and writes on a clipboard.

Micah: *sighs* Just my fucking luck…

The nurse takes the paperwork out front as Micah attempts to walk with his crutches. Once he gets out in the waiting room area, he sees Rosie still sitting there.

Rosie: How bad is it?

Micah: Well, crutches will be my new best friend for the next month, and I have to stay home for at least a week. *laughs* Might as well drop Art History since God knows I won’t fucking pass it now…

Rosie: Well, you’re “recovering from a car accident and needed surgery on your leg”, so at least the lie is believable now.

Micah looks at Rosie confused for a moment. Rosie brushes it off.

Rosie: Don’t worry about it.

Micah laughs, which makes Rosie at ease for the first time since going to the Nurse’s office with him.

Rosie: I’m sorry you hurt your foot because of me.

Micah: I’m not; this is the universe telling me don’t ever do what I did to you ever again.

Rosie: *smiles* You really believe in karma?

Micah: Hell yeah! If you do shitty things, shitty things will happen to you.

Rosie: Well, if you put it that way…

Nothing else is said until the receptionist calls out for Micah.

Receptionist: Salem?

Micah looks up towards the woman at the desk. Rosie is confused with the name change.

Receptionist: We contacted your family; your mother is on her way to pick you up.

Micah nods his head and looks back at Rosie.

Rosie: Well, I should get going, my manager is probably wondering where the fuck I am…

Micah smiles as his response. He takes a deep breath.

Micah: Thank you for staying… Friends?

Rosie: *teases* Yeah, karma got you back pretty hard.

Micah laughs and agrees. Rosie gathers her things and gets up.

Rosie: I’ll text you later.

Micah nods his head as Rosie walks out of the nurse’s office. The smile fades once she’s out of the office; he’s clearly still dealing with the shit happening in his life.

Misc., Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: Control.

liz

Control is a weird thing, isn’t it? People will tell you that it’s always good to have some self-control over your life because it can help you make the right decisions for them. Some people will say otherwise and tell you that needing control is a toxic trait that makes anyone who has it manipulative, and, well— controlling.

But, what do you say to the people who’s mental illnesses stem from being in control or having control over things? What if their need for control is what gets them through life & gets them through the parts of it where it’s so easy to lose your control? What if their need for control stems from a place of trauma; that they experienced parts of their life where they didn’t have control and self-harmed because of that?

Hi, my name is Liz and a major part of my mental health requires me to feel in control or else I become destructive.

I never realized that control was a huge challenge for me until I started my job in college admissions. From working in an environment where I had complete control in my work and what I did, I now was in a place where I was new and learning a million and one things in a way I wasn’t use to. For a lack of better words, the training was disorganized and spontaneous, which are two things that throw off my balance and routine and inevitably my anxiety disorder. Of course, an entire department can’t work around my mental health, so I try my best to work through it and take it one day at a time.

But I realized not saying anything or “riding” things out started to put a toll on me. There were days I felt incompetent because I didn’t know a certain thing, I grew frustrated because I felt like I never knew the complete right answer to the questions I asked. I think this is the first time actually saying this out loud, but there are days when I hate my job more than enjoy it.

I realized that control contributed to a lot of these feelings whenever I spoke about them to my therapist. She constantly reminds me that I can only control the things that I say and do, and the things out of my control, like other people’s actions and thoughts, are not mine to worry about.

But it’s easier said than done.

Today, I chose to come outside for a walk to get my head on straight. After three days (and really just an entire month) of up and down disruptive thinking and behavior, I needed to come outside and take in some sunlight and empty my mind of all negativity. I wanted to come out here and write this without any distraction and external factors that would take me out of this thought process. I chose to do that for myself because I am in control of my own actions.

I want nothing more than to feel okay that I don’t have control over everything that involves me. I want nothing more than to feel confident enough to not let these things out of my control interfere with the things that are in my control.

Most importantly, I want to stop harming myself to have some sort of control when I feel out of control. I want to stop plucking my eyebrows excessively. I want to not rip off my acrylic nails one by one and leave all ten of my fingers bruised and cut up. I want to stop thinking I have to discipline myself when I don’t have everything under control. I want my mind to stop telling me I’m this and that when really I’m doing just fine with what I’m giving.

I am not toxic for wanting control over my life, and I’m not a “control freak” when I say that I need to be in control over certain things. I need it because I know how bad things can get. I need it because there are days when I feel like hurting myself is the only way to have control over the emotions I am feeling land mask them with physical pain instead. I am not ashamed of saying I am a person that needs control, but I wish I was able to manage what is in my control and what’s not in my control better.

Because of my control, I will figure it out.

The "Something" Series: Season 2

Something Along the Pier: A Monologue.

liz

The boardwalk was full of different people; it made me smile to see that so many other people had the same plans as the boys and me. Shawn and Kevin were more nervous; while their English has improved since being in New York, they still look for help… to come and think of it, that’s probably why they invited me in the first place; to translate for them. Either way, today was too much of a beautiful day spending it back in the house.

“Hyung,” Shawn called for me. I turned my head around, lowering my sunglasses to look at him. “Should we do pizza or hamburgers?”

“We just got here, Hyung,” Kevin responded. I couldn’t help but laugh because it’s true. Shawn always was up for eating as soon as we got to a place. Shawn looked at Kevin with daggering eyes. Kevin wasn’t even phased about it; he looks at me to continue to conversation. “Should we go towards the benches near the beach?”

Shawn sucks his teeth. “Whatever, I’m going to get some food…” Before walking away, he turns around and looks at Kevin and me. “Uhm, Hyung, how do you say pizza in English again?”

“Same way you would pronounce it in English,” I began. Shawn puts two thumbs up and begins to walk away. “Shawn-ah,” I called out. He turns around to look at me. “Make sure you get a slice of pizza,” I reminded him.

“I might want the whole thing though,” Shawn responded back. I didn’t say anything or protest. I just allowed him to go and get his food.

Kevin and I find an empty bench and sit near the railing that leads to the beach. Kevin pulls out his sunscreen from his backpack and begins to apply it on himself. I allow the sun to tan my skin for the summer season.

“So Hyung,” Kevin begins. I look over at him when he talks. “Do you like it here more than New York?” I ponder on the thought and look out towards the beach.

“California is good for a fun time, but…” I couldn’t help but think about what New York meant for me. It’s like a memory that never stays a memory; it’s also something I think about, ever since I left 6 months ago. I don’t even realize that Kevin was talking again until he points towards my wrist.

“Where’d you get that from?” I look down at the bracelet and immediately panic internally. I tried to not let it show; fuck, maybe I shouldn’t have worn it out today.

“I don’t even remember, it was so long ago…” I felt bad talking so down on the one thing that holds so much meaning to me. Kevin looks perplexed, but doesn’t say anything since Shawn was returning back to where we were sitting.

“Okay, so,” Shawn began as he sat down and ate his slice of pizza. “There’s thisreally cool bar a couple of stores down from this pizza shop, and I totally think we should go back later tonight.

“Why tonight?” Kevin questioned.

“Because I’m not trying to meet the love of my life in this,” Shawn looked down at his rushly put-together outfit.

“Love of your life, huh?” I looked at Jamie. Shawn took a bite of his slice and looked at me as he chewed his food.

“Korea doesn’t have her in there,” he answered.

“Well, if you’re serious about meeting someone serious out here, maybe we should stop at a bookstore and get yourself a dictionary,” I teased. Kevin laughed, in which Shawn nudges him to the side. “Seriously though, maybe just have some fun while you’re here.”

“This is coming from the person who hasn’t dated a woman like–“

“Hyung!” Kevin stopped Shawn mid-sentence. I let out a deep sigh, and get up from the bench.

“Well, I guess we’ll come back tonight then for Shawn. And me,” I said. I was lying, but I was tired of Shawn and Kevin tip-toeing around me regarding women. I know I had to let Grace go. She wasn’t coming back into my life, and I’m not getting any younger. Shawn and Kevin look visibly shocked, but it was Shawn that stood up from the bench next, pounding me in the arm for support.

“Alright! There we go! Let’s have some fun tonight!” Shawn skips away from Kevin and me, as we walk along the rest of the pier. Kevin stops me in my tracks by grabbing my arm. I look at him.

“What?” I asked.

“You’re serious? Are you really moving on?” Kevin genuinely looked concerned, and it honestly annoyed me that he phrased it in a way where I was somewhat joined in with Grace.

“At this point, I’d be stupid for not doing so,” I answered, forcing myself to believe in what I was saying. But it was the truth; I have to move on. I need to move on.

“But you love–” Kevin started to say. I wouldn’t let him say it out in the universe.

“I don’t. Not anymore,” I said. I kept on walking, following Shawn, lying to Kevin, and lying to myself.

Black Sheep in Society.

Intervention for Black Sheep: A Scene.

liz

Dani and Tanner walk out of their cab in front of Micah’s house. The cab drives away, leaving the couple standing in front of the house. Dani begins to walk towards the front porch until Tanner notices something and stops Dani.

Tanner: Babe.

Dani: What?

Tanner points in the direction he’s looking at.

Tanner: That’s the motorcycle Micah’s been checking out at the shop. He was able to afford it?

Dani: *not interested* I don’t know, we can ask him after we’re done cursing the shit outta him…

The couple walks up to the front door and ring the doorbell.

…

Dani and Tanner are accompanied by Jennifer, Micah’s mother. She walks them inside the living room area.

Jennifer: Micah should still be in his room; it’s not like he’s been anywhere else for the last couple of days. Maybe with you two here, he’ll feel better.

The couple nods and Jennifer smiles in response.

Jennifer: Well, you know where his room is. Daniella, tell your mom I said hi and that she and your dad need to come to visit us soon!

Dani: Will do! Thanks, Aunt Pep.

The couple walks down the hall, towards Micah’s room. When they reach it, Tanner hesitates and gets nervous to knock on the door. Dani, on the other hand, isn’t afraid and begins to knock on the door.

Dani: Micah?

Without an answer, Dani storms into Micah’s room; Tanner is right behind her. When they enter the room, the room is dark and smelly. Dani walks towards Micah’s windows and opens the blinds which summons Micah from under the covers of his bed.

Micah: Come on, it’s too bright…

Dani: *annoyed* Bitch, it’s 2 in the afternoon, get your ass up!

Tanner: Babe.

Micah removes himself from his covers to quickly pull down the blinds. Dani loudly sighs and turns on the light in Micah’s room, which annoys him.

Micah: I don’t remember calling you guys over.

Dani: You didn’t, so we took the liberty to come over to talk some sense into you.

Micah rolls his eyes and ties his messy dreads up in a bun.

Micah: Well, you’re wasting your time. I’m completely fine.

Dani: Not leaving your house for days on end isn’t “fine.”

Micah: *annoyed* Look, I already get enough shit from my family, I don’t need it from you two! So if you’re gonna be like that, y’all can leave!

Micah sits at his desk and turns around, not facing the couple. Tanner walks up towards Micah and sits at the edge of his bed respectively.

Tanner: Listen bro, we’re just worried about you. You missed amateur night this month at the Oxy Lounge, we haven’t seen you on campus in a while, and you’ve been MIA online. As your best friends, we just want to know what’s going on.

Dani: And it better not be because–

Tanner: Dani, I got this.

Dani doesn’t say anything else, she just sits with Tanner on Micah’s bed.

Tanner: What’s going on, bro?

Micah finally turns around from his desk and takes a deep breath, letting it out in a big sigh.

Micah: This shit fucking hurts, man. I fucking loved that girl and she just let me fucking rot.

Tanner: Why did she break up with you in the first place?

Micah: She’s shooting a movie in Sweden–

Dani: We know that, but that can’t be why she broke things off with you–

Micah: *annoyed* It was a lot of things, okay? Like she barely has been my girlfriend ever since she’s been trying to make this acting thing happen.

Tanner: But you knew this was the price you had to pay to be with her.

Micah rubs his face with his hands; frustrated.

Micah: She wasn’t so distant when the tabloids discovered she was living in New York though. She was still herself, not caring about the media and all of the bullshit, and–

Tanner: She was also into music, too.

Micah doesn’t say anything for a moment, he just picks at his fingernails.

Micah: She was so fucking dope, bro. She played in the all-boys band in high school without ever letting those other guys get to her and her confidence. She was such a badass.

Tanner: That’s also the girl you fell in love with, and I think that’s the girl you’re holding onto when you say you loved her.

Micah looks at Tanner, offended at what he said.

Micah: With all due respect Tanner, just because you’re studying to be a therapist doesn’t qualify you as one without a degree.

Dani: You’re lucky he’s the one talking to you and not me!

Tanner: Babe!

Dani: No! It’s my turn! Micah, we told you a long time ago something just felt off about Kalia. She never wanted to hang out with all of us, she always had to “leave early” whenever you guys would hang out, and that bitch just had no personality which is ironic since she’s trying to be a damn actress–

Micah: Fuck you, Dani!

Dani: Do you hear yourself right now? Defending someone who’s literally across the fucking globe not giving a shit about anything else besides her new shiny acting career! The tabloids were keeping your relationship with her more together than she ever was, dude!

Tanner: Dani, please–

Dani: *keeps going* Now you’re letting her affect your own career and your fucking education! One of your classmates literally came to us the other day and asked if we heard from you because your professor was threatening to fail you!

Tanner: *yells* Dani!

Micah is surprised to hear this new information.

Micah: Wait, what?

Dani: Some girl came up to us to ask you where the fuck you’ve been since you haven’t been to class in God knows how long…

Micah: Who was it?

Dani: *annoyed* I don’t know her name! But she sure cared more about you than I ever saw “your girlfriend” showed us.

Micah: *angry* Just get the hell out of here, guys. I don’t want to talk anymore about this.

Micah turns around towards his desk, ignoring the couple. Dani extends her arm to turn the chair back in their direction which makes Micah furious and stands from his chair.

Micah: For fuck’s sake, leave me alone!

Dani: So you can sulk about that pathetic bitch?

The two friends begin the bicker as Tanner is the one having to play peacemaker with him. He gets fed up and yells.

Tanner: Shut the fuck up and calm down, both of you!

The volume of Tanner’s voice shocks Micah and Dani. They both quiet down.

Tanner: Micah?

Micah: What?

Tanner: How did you get the motorcycle?

At first, Micah is confused.

Micah: What?

Tanner: The motorcycle that was at the shop. The one you were eyeballing. Where’d you get the money to buy it?

Micah doesn’t say anything, but Tanner pieces two and two together.

Tanner: She bought it for you, didn’t she?

Micah: *annoyed* You should know; you’re the one that told her about it.

Tanner: I didn’t think she was serious when she asked though! Did she really buy you the motorcycle?

Dani: *interrupts* I’m sorry, but what does this have to do with anything?

Tanner: *realizes* She bought you the motorcycle as a parting gift, didn’t she?

Micah doesn’t answer, his face is sullen.

Dani: Are you fucking serious? That bitch planned this?!

Dani gets up and angrily walks around Micah’s room. Micah is too exhausted to fight back.

Tanner: It hurts, bro; but don’t let this shit stop you from doing what you want to do.

Tanner gets up from the bed and gets Dani so that they can leave.

Tanner: Come on, babe.

Dani: Nuh-uh! Not until I get some answers–

Tanner: *stern* Dani.

Dani: Fine fine! *as she walks out* When the hell did you get so assertive like this? I’m rubbing off on you or something…

The door closes behind the couple. Micah sits back down on his desk chair and grabs his phone from the charger. He scrolls through his messages and begins typing one on his phone.

Micah: Hey Roe. I'm sorry for what happened the other day. That was stupid and unlike me to do that. Thank you for having my back. See you in class.

Sent.

Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: 100 Pounds.

liz

Back in August 2020, I had my first-ever nutritionist appointment for bariatric surgery. I wore my hair up in a ponytail, and I wore one of my summer dresses that was a size 4X. She took my weight and to my surprise, I was 323 pounds; that was the highest weight I’ve been. I brushed it off as it being “COVID weight”, something I felt many people gained during the lockdown period of the pandemic in 2020.

Shortly after, she asked me, “what is your weight-loss goal post-surgery?” I thought about it a little because I wanted to be realistic. I didn’t want to sit there and say, “I want to be, like, 130 pounds and mad skinny!” My real answer didn’t sound realistic at first either. I asked myself “how the fuck was I supposed to do this and would I even ever get to the weight I wanted to at least be after surgery?”

I answered, “I want to lose at least 100 pounds.”

Hi, my name is Liz and I officially lost 100 pounds since having surgery.

There’s a funny story behind this little milestone: I didn’t realize I had hit my 100-pound goal until I weighed myself on the same day that I had possibly the worst day I’ve had at my job. I weighed myself since it had been a while since I last did so, and the scale read 211 pounds. I was 311 on the day of surgery.

Losing 100 pounds is something that I didn’t think I would ever be capable of. I wasn’t even able to keep 20 pounds off pre-surgery, so it felt really weird to put this standard on myself when I said I wanted to lose 100 pounds.

2020.

I don’t sit here and recommend everyone to have this surgery. I can’t sit here and say that surgery would fix all of the problems that you had before having surgery. It helps you lose weight, but the necessary steps to get to this place are a lot. It’s tedious, it’s time-consuming, and you have to be able to give up a lot of your favorite foods for a while or completely. For me, I had to stop drinking soda, which is something I was addicted to for years. The withdrawals from Pepsi were intense, and just like quitting anything cold turkey, it’s constantly on your mind and you want nothing more than to cave in and just feed into your addiction. I haven’t had a soda since February 2021 and haven’t really craved it since.

Post-surgery, I had to give up enjoying my favorite foods because I simply can’t eat the portions I once did. For instance, I feel like although I still love Chinese food, I don’t enjoy it the way that I did. It’s sometimes frustrating to have a favorite food still but not be able to enjoy it because you can’t have much of it anymore. A combination would be eaten in one night; it takes me three days to finish a combination and even then I throw the rest away after.

Much of this information is redundant, but this is what my journey has been like for 10 months. There were points when I didn’t have many options for food and fixated on things like soup for months on end. As of right now, it’s surprisingly ramen, but at the beginning of my post-op journey, food was limited and not an enjoyable experience.

These last 10 months have been full of great accomplishments and weight loss that allowed me to feel more my age. I went from being a 4X in dresses and tops and a 30/32 pants size to now being a 1X and 18/20; a clothing size I haven’t been since my teenage years in high school. Documenting my journey since July 2021 on Instagram has been trippy considering that I don’t notice the changes unless I put on clothing that is too big for me now or if I look at photos of myself from a year ago. It’s a bittersweet feeling, but there are days when I feel like an impostor or like I’m not deserving of the accomplishments since I took the “easy way out” to lose weight. There are days when I don’t feel like my body is mine. There are days that I try to remember how I used to feel when I was heavier. There are days when I feel like I betrayed the fat girl community.

That last one is conflicting. I remember starting this series based on the fact that I accepted my body for what it’s become over the years. I feel like there are times were I betrayed that girl, or that I lied to a community of people who found comfort in the stories I told as a fat girl. I told those stories because they were my reality and those were my stories to tell. I was constantly fat-shamed, I was body-shamed and bullied for being fat, having the first insult anyone would call me when they were arguing with me was “fat bitch”; I’ve experienced similar stories with other fat girls, and now I feel like I’m in a space where I can’t relate to the experience anymore because I had surgery to lose weight.

Maybe I am reading too much into this and this is just my poor self-judgment telling me things. Maybe I am deserving of these results because I’ve worked hard and changed so much of my life in order to have them. Maybe no one is looking at me saying that I’m not “body positive” anymore. Maybe there are, but I have to remind myself that only I know how my journey is going. I decide what to share what I want to share about my weight loss these days. No one else sits with me on a day-by-day basis to see what my journey looks like now. Only I do, and I’m proud to have hit a milestone that I thought I would never experience in my life.

In this body I trust; we got this.