Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2022, Voiceless Rant: The Series

A Voiceless Rant: December 2022 Edition.

liz

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz. God, I miss these types of posts.

When I started the blog, I created a monthly series where I just sit down and free-write anything that comes to mind in hopes it makes some type of sense at the end. I used it to do some self-reflection during a time in my life when I didn’t have the mental space to take a step back and see if I was doing okay. Those grad school years were no joke, y’all.

In the end, the series that came about this was called:

I remember this series mainly being about my mental health and how I knew I wasn’t in the right place, but I always hoped that maybe with time, things would fall into those right places. Newsflash: they didn’t, even after seeking therapy in mid-2018. I honestly don’t know what changed these types of posts; maybe was just more in love being in my writing universes than actually sitting here and writing about things that are just bland and mediocre. Maybe my life has just gotten that boring, but I’m more passionate about exploring fictional characters and their lives than my own but in a good way! I feel like as the years passed and I started to deal with my mental health in a different way, I felt like my mind is now occupied with storytelling and the characters that live in these universes I’ve created.

I love thinking about 30-year-old Grace that is still trying to figure out her life at her age and what it means to be just herself. She’s at a point in her life where she doesn’t want to be identified as something she doesn’t feel confident or comfortable in while also trying to let go of the identity she had when she was with Jamie. She thinks that her choices are what fucks everything in her life up, but little does she know it’s those choices that put her exactly where the universe wants her to be.

I love thinking about 20-year-old Micah that is eccentric and outspoken and going through the waves of college life while still trying to see where his place in society is. He’s the one in his family trying to chase after his dreams, but it’s also his family that holds him back from doing what is needed to achieve those dreams. Also, he’s trying to figure out how to live a life without his real best friend, Rosie, after the traumatic sequence of events for both of them.

I love thinking about the 14-year-old entourage Milo & Mollie, two best friends that are total opposites yet come together because they are the best friend duo. Milo is the shy and hyperfocused friend while Mollie is the spontaneous and headstrong friend, sometimes their personalities clash in a way that puts the both of them in tough situations. To see the different directions that these two friends are going in their stories is exciting to play around with, especially because they both have something that the other lacks, which makes the outcome of their storylines so interesting to portray.

I love thinking about the sub-characters of these stories and thinking of potential spin-pff series with them as the main characters. I swear sometimes my brain works like a Nickelodeon or Disney mashup; all these different characters from different stories do live in the same, wider universe and are even related. Milo and Micah are brothers; Mollie is Grace’s mother. Again, it’s interesting to see these characters and their personalities and see just how much their traits and flaws affect those that are around them. For example; Mollie as a teenager speaks a lot about how Mollie is as a young adult. We also see that in Grace as a young adult even following in her own mother’s footsteps–

Wait, when did this become a post about me gushing over these characters?

Needless to say, this is a part of my identity that I felt was neglected in the years that I was trying to get my mental health in order. I felt like I never had the space to think in depth about these characters that I developed in my imagination for quite some time now. Mollie and Milo were created when I was 14 years old back in 2008. Micah was created in 2017, and Grace was created in 2014 when I took screenwriting in college. All these years that these characters have literally lived in my mind rent-free but it wasn’t until 2020 that I actually began to tell their stories and actually followed through with them.

And that’s when these types of posts began to slow down, and in a way, I’m glad that I made the transition from this type of content to just storytelling. Sometimes I do ask myself, “should I rename the blog because I’m not really writing in the format that I used to write in?” But at the end of the day, my blog is just a space where these characters can live outside of my mind, and I’m so glad that many of you follow my blog for these characters because like, I never thought that anyone would get invested in a bunch of characters that I made up one random day of the year.

This content– the storytelling content– is the most “me” I’ve been in a while on this blog, and maybe that’s why I take posting and writing and staying on a schedule so seriously because like… I actually enjoy writing on here now. I think there will always be a special place in my heart for my old content, this type of content because it’s literally the foundation of what this blog is. But just like me, my blog grew up, and this is the best version of “Liz, the writer” I’ve been in my opinion.

… And that’s the end of this voiceless rant.

Overexposed: A Self-Love Project., Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2022

Overexposed: Life After The WLS Journey.

liz

This time last year, I was just months into this new journey that I was unfamiliar with. I was still learning how to enjoy food again, and to make connections with people without eating the same food. The holidays were a challenge this time last year; Thanksgiving felt like a challenge I thought I wasn’t going to be able to go through smoothly because the entire holiday is about eating food. Nevertheless, last year’s holiday season went okay for the most part.

This year, things are a lot different as I am now entering the final stages of my weight loss journey.

Hi, my name is Liz and I’ve lost 123 pounds in 15 months.

2020.
2022.

As the months’ pass and the weight loss slows down, I am learning to come to terms that now is the time that my journey of weight loss is coming to an end. Technically speaking, it’s not supposed to “end” until you hit the 2-year mark since having surgery, but every physical body is different and my body seems to be slowing down on the weight loss. Honestly, I don’t mind if I don’t lose any more weight; I’m at a place in my journey where I feel good in my skin, and I met the goal I initially had when getting cleared to have weight loss surgery back in 2020 and 2021. I’m now in the phase where I am trying my best to now maintain my weight by limiting the amount of sugar I take in, the amount of food I have in a day, and even working out at the gym whenever I want to tone up my body. It’s not an easy journey; I would even say that this is the harder part than what it was this time last year I had to learn my body cues and my food intake after not ever having a limit on what I can eat and cannot eat, but now that I am fully recovered and going on with my life after surgery, my body is able to handle a lot more and now its more about having self-control in what I decide to take in.

Am I nervous about what the future has in store for me? Of course. I think this will now always be something I will be anxious about for the rest of my life. This journey has been so important to me, and I would hate to become another statistic regarding failed weight loss surgery stories. Maybe that fear in me is good though; it actively makes me aware of the things I am doing with my body and even have more control over what happens to it. This journey has introduced so many things into my life and provided me a new outlook on it. Pre-surgery Liz wouldn’t have thought about going to a gym to work out her stress and anxiety away after a long day at work. Pre-surgery Liz would’ve ruled out a walk in the neighborhood because she would get too tired too fast for her liking. Pre-surgery Liz wouldn’t have taken her health so seriously because she was at a point where she felt defeated in trying to change her body. Like I’ve said time and time again, this surgery gave me a second chance at bettering my life both physically and mentally in the long run, and although my journey feels like it’s coming to an end, this will always be a journey for me that I will work on and improve on being and doing better at.

With that being said, I want to thank every single person in my life (past and present) that helped me through this process and witnessed me throughout all the stages of this journey. I still have the clearest memory of signing the consent papers and having my friends telling me to sign them because this was going to be a great new start to a better life. I remember sending them this ridiculous picture of me in the sleep study gear at the research center and laughing so hard at their responses. I still remember sending a voice note to one of my friends after having surgery just to let her know that everything went well. I still remember expressing to my friends and family that life after surgery was a difficult transition and at the end of the day I always felt like I had a good support system with those around me.

And for those who have read my story through blog posts for the last year and a half whether you’re a casual reader or wanted to hear someone else’s experience before making the decision on your own; I hope that in reading my story and following e on my journey as reassured you in your decision. In being on my journey, I’ve met a few people in the process of beginning their weight loss surgery journey, and I’m always honored when they want to hear the ups and downs of the process. It’s more than just a before and after photo; it’s months and months of physical and mental preparation and knowing that once the surgery is over, you have to redo your entire life to now fit this new lifestyle. I just hope that my honesty and my journey inspired others to take that next step in bettering themselves or really think about making that decision for different reasons.

I will forever be grateful for being able to embark on this journey and to put me in a place where I could make good changes. I am able to be who I am today because of that journey.

Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2022

Overexposed: A Thank You to My “Team Me”.

liz 
"Hey, if you have a minute (of course if you're free) could I stop by your office and talk about something?"

In grad school, I spent my nights in classes where I was silent. I was too afraid to speak and voice my thoughts and ideas and anything that I knew should be talked about. I thought differently and analyzed literature and theories differently, yet I always felt like I couldn’t express them to others without feeling dumb or stupid or like I’m constantly being judged for my “reaching” ideas. In a world where most of my peers were studying literature to become teachers or adjuncts, I wanted to be a better writer. I wanted to learn about the audience, what I was talking about and how to explain to others what I was trying to say. In a nutshell, my first grad class was “The Teaching of Writing”, which is where I met my then-professor-now-friend Ro; or, Professor Carlo. In the two years that I was in grad school and struggled mentally to keep it all together, Ro was my support. She would sit in her office with me during our thesis meetings and listen to what I needed to say and how I felt about everything regarding this Master’s Thesis, which was a piece calling out a lot of her colleagues and their teaching techniques and how toxic they were to student writers in the classroom. She always helped me keep my head high, even when all I ever wanted to do is look down and stay silent in my comfort zone.

Three years later, Ro and I wrote an academic article; one where I was able to tell my story and reflect back on my time in grad school. In a nutshell, Ro always gave me the opportunity for me, a shy and quiet young woman, to speak my mind and confidently tell my story.

And for that, I think I will always be thankful for having Ro in my life; a role model who’s accomplished so much at her young age, and no matter what wants the best for her students; past and present.

…

I am the youngest worker in the office. Nine months ago, I embarked on a new journey in life; I left my job at the college bookstore to become a college assistant at the Registrar’s office. This was my first real “big girl” job; I was now officially considered a city worker with city worker benefits, something that none of my family ever was before. I was excited to start the new year with a new journey, even though it was scary at first. It took me months to finally feel a part of the office. My boss at the time was hard to get a hold of due to how busy she was and having someone still in training didn’t make the transition a smooth one.

As months passed, I was beginning to feel like my anxiety wasn’t going to settle down, and eventually considered looking for a new job because I would end up going to work sick to my stomach because I was afraid of getting thrown into something I wasn’t comfortable in doing yet. It wasn’t until the record department was out a supervisor, and Christine, my co-worker, shared the temporary spot with another co-worker of ours.

Christine was the first (and only) person at my job to know about the passing of our senior cat back in June. I wasn’t too comfortable talking to anyone besides the other CA that was closer in my age range, but something told me that if anything, I was able to tell Christine that this had happened in my life and that if I wasn’t completely on top of my game, that was the reason why. I would even say this was the beginning of me finally opening up and trusting someone in that office with myself.

In the next couple of months, Christine would pull me into her office every start of the week to check in with me. As someone that could be struggling internally, I will not allow it to show in the workplace. Christine was able to pick that up quickly when interacting with me, so it was nice that she would check in with me at the start of the week just to see where I was at. She would call it her “mommy senses” whenever she didn’t hear from me or if I was not acting like myself. She would always mentor me and talk to me about the future and where I could potentially go if I decide to go down the “city worker in CUNY” route in life.

But, it wasn’t until I was having a major anxiety attack one day at my desk. I felt like I couldn’t breathe, and I felt nervous to do anything because of a situation with a student that escalated and now needed to involve our supervisors. I didn’t want to go home and bring “work home with me”, as Christine has told me countless times to not do. I simply texted her if she had time to talk about something and even though we were able to begin our crazy season of registration, she quickly told me to come into her office. It was then I began to talk to her about the things that were bothering me and were on my mind and having her listen to me without making me feel like my voice didn’t matter like how I felt before with my former boss. I always felt like Christine was able to understand my mindset and my struggles as a college assistant because she was once in the same position and literally sat at the same desk and worked under the same former boss, and Christine has always made it known that she sees a lot of me in her younger self, and I admire that someone understands me because they see themselves in me. I cried in her office every time she told me how much she appreciated me being there because I always struggled with feeling like I was a good enough worker and how it felt good knowing that my efforts and my hard work is showing in a positive way, even if I’m internally struggling. Even when my father was in the hospital and needed a blood transfusion after losing a ton of blood and dying, I told Christine because I trusted her with this. She constantly checked in with me whenever she had the chance to that day, and I honestly appreciated it knowing someone literally cared to see if I was doing okay and was always asking for updates. She even shared with me how this particular day was a hard one for her as well, and she also was using work as a distraction to keep her busy. It felt nice knowing she understood why I was in the office even after finding out what was going on with my dad. For the entire process that he was in the hospital, Christine checked in with me, and for that, I am forever grateful because the fact of the matter is that she didn’t have to.

"Hi Liz. I stopped by my church tonight to light a few candles and decided to light an additional candle for your dad. I hope his surgery was a success."

…

I’ve had a couple of good group friends in my life, yet it was interesting that the ones that stood around the longest are the ones that I have never even met in person before. I met Lae, my friend from California, in the K-pop community 2 years ago when she reached out to trade Victon photocards with me. I remember being nervous interacting with someone I didn’t know, let alone someone who’s been collecting longer than me. We helped each other out with our collections until we saw that someone was opening a Viction Trading Group Chat and we both decided to join it. It wasn’t until we then met Ro, my friend from South Carolina at the time, who really took a lead on the group chat helping other collectors out get the cards they needed for their collections. Slowly but surely, the three of us started to talk more, becoming the friend group that we are today. Like every friendship, we all had our ups and downs with each other, and many of those times we didn’t even know if we were all going to stay friends due to issues we had with one another. Nevertheless, this group of friends has been through some of the lowest points in my life, and my highest! They were the main ones that went through my surgery journey when I was prepping for it. Even when I’m going through tough times and just need some support, they make sure to always know that they are there when I need them, and it’s good to always come back to friends that genuinely care about your well-being. For someone that struggles to keep friends because of my social anxiety, it was refreshing to have friends that understood that flaw of mine but also were able to make sure that I don’t run away or disappear when things get hard. I appreciate these two, and it really boggles my mind knowing that these two people I have not ever met them in person, yet they both feel like the closest people in my life besides Obie.

…

"Don't think too much about it. Trust me, I've been through this, and best thing for you to do is not think of the worst, even if you feel like things are going down that path. Your dad is a fighter and you have a strong family."

I remember sitting in Obie’s bathroom one night as we smoked a blunt together. It was a good day for me, one that didn’t come around as often during my time in 2019. We spoke about the future, and I spoke specifically about the struggles I was having finding a job that I could get due to the lack of experience I had since I spent the last 20 years of my life being a student in school. Obie then told me, “what about working at a bookstore? I know that’s not what you want to do, but I think you would do well in a bookstore because it’s not as hectic as regular retail.” It wasn’t until months later, I was hired at my old college’s bookstore, where I spent the next 2 and a half years being a bookseller, where I began a completely new chapter in my life that nearly shaped the direction I’ve been on since. Even when I’m having bad days at the office and need to just escape for a night, Obie always greets me with open arms, sharing his space so that I can unwind and turn the day around with his good company.

Obie has known me for 13 years, and I think it is completely natural for me to tell him things when things happen; good or bad. When telling him about my father being in the hospital, his words were the most comforting, and not because he’s the closest person in my life, but because he spoke to me out of the experience when he went through taking care of his father before his passing late last year. At this moment, I truly thought I was going to lose my father that Monday morning after getting the news about his condition. Hearing his words to comfort me and for them to come from a place of wisdom and experience felt completely different than the usual “everything is going to be okay.” I am grateful to have someone like him in my life; someone that can always teach me something new as he gives me advice, and sometimes it’s those lessons that stick with me through the rest of my journey.

So, to my “Team Me”; thank you for always allowing me to be myself and for always supporting me in whatever I decide to do in life. Thank you for always allowing me to speak my mind, when really it’s become one of the hardest things for me to do as I got older. Thank you for seeing me, and believing in me, and always being able to make me laugh and smile.

Team Me, you are the best. ❤

Music Reviews, Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2022

Top 5 Albums of 2022!

liz

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters from Liz!

I know this blog has become more of my “writing universe just typed out in blog format”, but I really do like coming back to my roots every holiday season and writing more pieces like music reviews, overexposed posts, or even something simple as telling you my top 5 favorite albums of 2022! I did this last year for Lizmas, and thought it was only right to continue this tradition for 2022 just to see just how different my favorites were from this time last year to now!

So without further ado, here are my top 5 favorite albums of 2022!

5.) “BORN PINK” by Blackpink

Alright, y’all. So I wouldn’t call myself a Blink, which is the fandom name for Blackpink. I’m a very casual listener when it comes to them and for the most part, I enjoy their music when they release new music. Prior to this release, their last comeback was way back in 2020, and it is uncommon for K-pop groups to wait so long between releases since the industry is so fast-paced. So when “Pink Venom” was released back in August as their pre-release single, many people felt robbed of the anticipation that these girls has around them when they announced that they were making their comeback after a 2-year hiatus. I can’t lie, I was one of those people that had a love-hate relationship with the song, but when their second full-length album came out a month later, my jaw was to the floor. This album is seriously a “no-skip” album. Months later, their title track for the album, “Shut Down” still gets played every single day on my way to work and vice versa. The album showcases some vocals that we never got from the rap-heavy group, and although they experiment with more “trendy” sounds, they somehow still make it feel very much Blackpink-esque. I do hope that YG Entertainment gives them more comebacks, because as much as people want to the on them because of their popularity, as someone outside of the fandom: I understand why they are so popular, and literally with the right guidance and direction, these girls can stay on top in the midst of the fourth generation girl group battle.

4.) “ADMARE” by NMIXX

So unpopular opinion: I really enjoyed this debut album from NMIXX. Just for some background: NMIXX is a seven-member girl group under JYP Entertainment; the same company that Twice, ITZY, and Stray Kids are under. They debuted earlier this year in February, and despite everyone not liking their debut album due to it’s experimental genre, I actually was hooked when I first listened to their title track, “O.O”, and their b-side, “TANK”. The group’s concept is to literally mix genres in their songs, which is something not new to the K-pop scene, but it’s new for a girl group’s entire concept to be just that. Many listeners did not the concept or felt confused about the song’s structure, but I didn’t mind it too much because I was always a fan of the type of songs that would change melody or beats within the song. Some examples that come to mind are SNSD’s “I Got A Boy”, and last year’s mega-hit “Next Level” by aespa. Needless to say, despite their complex concept, these girls are possibly some of the best vocalists within 4-gen K-pop groups. Lily, their eldest member, has a vocal range so insane, she can literally sing high notes the same way we speak regular words. Plus, her duets with other NMIXX member and leader, Haewon, are literally so lethal and magical; I would definitely want a sub-unit promotion further down their careers because those two together are whoa. But yeah, I think for a debut, this was really strong and unique and I am excited to see their range when they release a mini-album in the future!

3.) “Colorful Trauma” by WOODZ

I need to know what crack Seungyoun puts in his songs because he’s had 5 releases since 2020 and every album he’s put out has been a favorite of mine or a “no-skip” album. Seungyoun isn’t my ult bias once Seungsik of Victon took that spot, but he’s definitely number 2 on my list. Seungyoun, or known by his stage name “WOODZ”, released his fourth mini album back in May with a pop-punk concept and I swear, he knows how to do a motherfuckin’ concept right! The title track, “I Hate You” literally is anyone’s anthem that got their heart broken and feeling angry as fuck. It definitely had my happy ass singing out loud “I hate you! I don’t need you! I forget you!” and then go over to my guy’s place and be all cute and lovey-dovey. In this case, I really enjoyed the b-sides of this album; while most still staying in that pop-punk genre, all the other songs have different messages and honestly, a lot of these songs have become inspiration for my writing universe because of the diversity and atmosphere that they all have. “Better and Better” makes me feel like I’m skateboarding down a hill with my crush as a teenager wearing baggy pants and a zipped-up hoodie and overly worn Converse. “Dirt on my Leather” makes me feel like I’m at a bar chugging cans of beer while I stand on the bar table dancing. “I Hope To Be Like You” makes me feel like I’m telling all of my mentors and my support team that, well, I hope I can be like you one day. The album takes you on a rollercoaster of feelings and I’m just saying, Seungyoun knows how to make good music. Of course; besides Victon, any other K-pop act I would want to see on tour is Woodz because every song is a fucking bop. There’s a reason why his new releases come into my top favorites every single year.

2.) “Chronograph” and “Choice” by Victon

Am I completely biased for including two Victon releases? Absolutely. It’s for good reason, I promise.

Anyway, 2022 was the year of Victon’s “Time Trilogy”, meaning that we were going to get three comebacks within the year, and honestly; as an Alice, I was excited that our boys were now getting multiple comebacks after going radio silent for the entirety of 2021 after releasing their full-length album in January 2021; VOICE: The future is now. If you would like to read more about the three releases, feel free to read my completely biased music reviews for Chronograph, Chaos, and Choice.

Chronograph was the first installment in the trilogy and was released in January 2022. This was also the first comeback since the eldest member, Seungwoo, enlisted in the military back in July 2021. It was a single album, which meant there were only two songs released. I really enjoyed “Chronograph” as a title track because it was so different than their previous release, “What I Said”. The song is super catchy and fun, and the styling was so futuristic and fun; also, Red-hair Sik is one of my top favorites ever now because of this era. Their second and only other song on this album, “Want Me” had me in a chokehold for the first latter of the year. It showcased the member’s vocals and also kept to that classic Victon sound and the lyrics are heartwrenching. It was a strong start to their trilogy and I was literally obsessed; I still am considering that I have the English version of “Chronograph” memorized word for word. Such a great era for our boys.

Choice was the third and final installment in the trilogy and was released in November 2022. It was the first comeback since former member, Chan, had left the group in early October after his DUI came out in the media. It was a weird transition for the group, and I know that this last part of the trilogy was most likely planned and recorded before this news came out, and seeing the boys dwindle down to just 5 members felt wrong. I was nervous about this comeback to say the least. But when the album was finally released, I gasped in shock. Even before I became such a die-hard fan of Victon, I was always impressed at how most of their discography had “no skip” albums. this album is the definition of a “no skip Victon album. The title track, “Virus”, has a nostalgic vibe to it, making it feel like a 2nd or 3rd gen K-pop group (which is crazy to think that these boys are a 3rd-gen group but didn’t get the recognition they deserved until K-pop was in its 4th-gen) type of song. The album tells a beautiful story; starting off being about tragic love and loss yet ending with songs like “Better Place” and “Feels Good”, which are some of the cutest fucking songs to be released by Victon ever. Needless to say, this has been the strongest mini album since Continuous, which was released back in March 2020. This album has become one of my favorites that Victon has released, and that says a lot since I am, once again, very biased for my favorite group.

1.) “HOLY FVCK” – Demi Lovato

For the first time since getting into K-pop, my favorite album of the year wasn’t actually a within that genre! Coming in at number one is my Disney Channel 2008 queen, Demi Lovato. As most of us know, Demi has had a really hard time getting her groove back when it comes to her life but also her career as well. She’s had some bops and bangers of albums even after her Disney days, but none of them truly reign in the same success as her earlier stuff did. I think a lot of Deni fans can agree that she was always our pop-punk princess; her first album, Don’t Forget had hints of pop-punk and teenage angst. Even at a young age, she slaughtered it, so it was a shame that when the music trends changed, she had to change with them as well. Don’t get me wrong, I think one of Demi’s strongest albums post-Disney years was her album Tell Me You Love Me, but when Demi began to release singles off her new upcoming album, I was hyped.

Her first single, “Skin of My Teeth” had me in a chokehold all summer. It was so fucking good and I was so excited for Demi and going back to her more pop-punk but now a little more heavy rock days. Then, she released “Substance”, which again was so fucking good and was on repeat for most of the summer as well. It was gearing up to be an awesome album so when it finally was released in August 2022, I was blown away. The album as a whole tells a story of Demi that we are not strangers to but still remains to always give us glimpses of her story that she never told before. We see this in her third single of the album, “29”, which is basically her talking about a relationship she had with an older man and how now, being 29, realizes that wasn’t okay. Other songs, like “EAT ME”, “HOLY FVCK” and “FREAK” are such fun and hard songs to rock out to, and even after it being months since her album release, these songs still are on my everyday playlist. When she announced her HOLY FVCK Tour dates and I saw that she was coming to NYC, I had to go and see her and it was no doubt the best night of my 2022 year. Hands down.

Anyway, that’s it for now! I’m excited to see how 2023 is going to be within the K-pop scene and even in the western genre! K-Pop prediction: Seungsik making his solo debut before he has to enlist in the military next year? Please and thank you. 🙂

The "Something" Series: Season 2, Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2022

Somewhere, Someday, Something: A Grace Monologue.

liz

“Momma will see you tomorrow night, sweetie,” I talk into my phone with it on my shoulder as I go back and forth from my closet to the suitcases spread out on the floor. I finally put the phone on speaker and place it on the floor as I kneel in front of one of the suitcases, organizing everything in it.

“I can’t wait to see you, mommy!” Willow’s voice says through the phone. I smile big.

“Me too, baby,” I said to Willow, looking at the phone. “I love you; put papa back on the phone.” A couple of moments later, I hear the phone being picked up and hear Max’s voice.

“What time is your flight landing tomorrow?” Max asked.

“I’m taking a Red Eye flight tonight, so I should be landing around 5:30,” I answered as I continued to pack. “Ari is picking me up from the airport.”

“Ari?” Max asked and then laughed. “Are you sure she’ll be up that early?” I smiled at Max’s reaction.

“Listen, Ari is a different woman now,” I said. “She’s an almost-married woman.” Max laughs loudly over the phone.

“If Ari actually picks you up on time, tell her I owe her $20,” Max said. I shook my head and chuckled. Max and Ari were always teasing each other; of course, whenever Max and I were on good terms. It’s been a long time since Max and I were on good terms like this. It truly only happens when there’s a distance between us.

“You guys are too much,” I responded. “I should be situated at my parent’s place by the time I should be headed to you guys, but let me know when you’re ready; it’s no rush.”

“Please,” Max scoffed. “Willow will make sure we are ready for you when you come over. Mariam is cooking dinner, so don’t feel like you have to bring anything unless you want to.” I hear a knock on my bedroom door; the door slowly opens and Skylar stands there.

“Alright, I’m going to finish packing, tell Willow I love her,” I said before hanging up the phone. I looked up at Skylar. I feel bad for leaving her in California after everything that happened. I feel guilty even; she’s going to be by herself after having her heart broken by a person I was affiliated with by association.

“Hey, Sky,” I said. Skylar walked into my room and sat at the edge of my bed.

“Hey,” she finally said after looking down at the clothes on the floor. She kneeled down next to me and started to fold the pile of clothes I previously threw on the ground. “You shouldn’t leave this unfolded; it’ll get wrinkled.” I watched Skylar fold the piece of clothing she was talking about. When she was done, she looked at me.

“Are you gonna be okay when I leave?” I asked. Skylar scuffed and began to fold the rest of the clothes.

“Skylar Ashmore is an independent woman,” she started. “I’ll be just fine on my own. I always have.”

“Sky,” I started to say. “It’s okay to still feel sad about Shawn.” Skylar and I haven’t spoken about Shawn or Jamie since the night I saw Jamie at the pier. In a sense, it became taboo to mention those two in this house. But I was leaving in a few hours, and I didn’t want Skylar to have all of this bottled inside her. She deserved to let go. To breathe. To ease her mind.

“I’m fine,” Skylar stated. I rolled my eyes at her. I swear the Ashmore women suck at lying.

“I know you’re not,” I began. “Because I told myself the same thing the first time. I don’t want what happened to me to happen to you, Sky.” I was being honest and protective more than comforting and supportive. I know how reckless Skylar can be, and I was afraid that once I left, she’d go party and drink herself into oblivion. Skylar looked annoyed with me.

“I’m not you, Grace,” Skylar spat back at me.

“You don’t have to be like me to be heartbroken because you were in love,” I said bluntly. Skylar didn’t respond; she sat there still folding clothes, most likely deep in her thoughts. “I loved Jamie. The first time he left, I didn’t know how or what to feel. I was just angry and sad and confused. I did stupid shit because I was in love, Sky, and I really look back at that time and really wish I did things differently.”

“Like what?” Skylar asked. Like what? What would I have done differently? I say this about almost everything in my life. I wish I did my childhood differently. I wish I did my high-school years differently. I wish I did college and my career differently. I wish I did things differently with Max and Willow. I wish I did things differently with my life all the time.

“I wish I was able to tell myself that it wasn’t worth it,” I finally said. “I wasted so much time being sad and heartbroken over someone that had no choice but to go back to his home country, but–“

“Then why take him back in the first place?” Skylar asked. I looked at her, not understanding her motive behind this conversation. What was she trying to prove?

“I was in love with him, Sky,” I emphasized. “When he came back, all that hurt that he caused just… went away. I was so in love with him that I subconsciously forgave him for leaving me in the first place.” Skylar got up from the ground and walked out of the bedroom. She left the door open, in which I looked out from where I was sitting to see where she went. She immediately comes back into the room and throws something at me. I looked down at my lap and saw it was a little black box. I looked back up to Skylar.

“What is this?” I asked.

“Open it,” she demanded. I slowly opened the box and saw a bracelet with a charm on it; specifically a charm of a key. I couldn’t process what was going on. “I don’t know if you ever noticed,” Skylar began. I turned the lid of the box around to see a folded piece of paper. I unfold it as Skylar continued to speak.

“It was in the mailbox. Y’know, Jamie wore that bracelet every single time I saw him in person,” Skylar pointed out. I finally unravel the note, in which it simply said, I’m sorry. I know this bracelet was Jamie’s. I know he never took this bracelet off. I noticed it on him the first time I saw him here in California. He said the love of his life gave it to him. I still remember the night I gifted him this bracelet. I felt sick to my stomach. All I could do is look at Skylar, who continues to talk. “And I know you gave him that bracelet because you asked me to get it handcrafted for you and ship it to you when you were in New York.” I couldn’t say anything back. It was like the words were trapped in my throat because if I were to say something, nothing but tears and possibly vomit would come out.

Skylar crossed her arms across her chest and looked directly at me, without any sort of emotion on her face. “If he was able to go back to Korea all of those times without batting an eyelash, then giving back the one thing he held closest to him, the one thing that he had connected to you? It wasn’t hard for him to do. He never truly loved you if he was able to do all of that.”

Was that true? Did Jamie never love me in the first place? That can’t be true. But then what explains this? He had this bracelet for years now. Why give it back? Why give it back if it wasn’t because he didn’t love me?

All I could hear is the white noise from the light on in my bedroom, followed by a sigh from Skylar. Her voice was soft now when she spoke.

“That is why I choose to be fine about Shawn leaving me,” Skylar admitted. “Because he was able to break my heart without even hesitating. Because he always knew he had to go back home when he allowed me to fall in love with him.” Skylar finally left my room and closed the door behind her. The tears couldn’t help but fall down my face. I look at the bracelet in the box. The tears kept falling into the box and on the metal of the bracelet. I couldn’t bare to look at the bracelet anymore. I chucked it on the bed, hoping that I threw it hard enough for it to disappear so I wouldn’t know where it went.

Everything made sense at that moment. It was so easy for Jamie to pack his life up and let me go countlessly in the process. It was so easy for him to let go of the things that he told me all those years ago he would never let go. He let me go time and time again and then got mad t me for trying to let him go for good. Maybe Jamie used me all this time. Maybe he said those things to me because he saw I was broken or some shit. Maybe he saw me at the cafe that day for the first time and took pity on me. Maybe he took everything we had and saw it as temporary and useless to hinder on. Maybe he didn’t see me the way I saw him. I truly did love him, but maybe he truly never loved me.

And maybe it’s that belief that I have to tell myself in order to let go. It’s about time I let him go, because holding on is hurting me more when I know the release will feel like a weight off of my shoulders, and I need that. I need to feel free again. I need to feel something else but emptiness again.

I need to feel like I have a purpose again.

Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2022

Re-Introduction: 2022 Edition!

liz

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

Also, Happy first day of Lizmas! I genuinely love having this space to freely write about anything that comes to mind; not only does it allow me to share some things about myself, but also it’s refreshing to talk about things in my own universe rather than my writing one. But! I very do much love my writing universes and because of them, I got some new readers who are very invested in those characters and their stories. It truly means a lot to me that anyone likes my very mediocre writing, so thank you for loving these characters as much as I love thinking about them and writing them on theoretical paper!

So for those who may not know the writer behind these stories or maybe you’ve been a longtime reader; it has been a very long time since I introduced myself on the blog. So, without further ado – here’s a 2022 introduction of me!

Hi once again, I’m Liz! 😀

I’m starting to phase out of my K-pop collector identity, but now I feel like I enjoy the music so much more because of that. I started collecting K-pop things during the pandemic in 2020, and I believe a lot of people who were interested in K-pop also began to collect within this time. It was when I met some of my closest friends, and that I was able to establish my identity after feeling like I didn’t have one previously. These last two years have been a crazy one, especially within the collecting community. I guess as time passed and my interests have changed, I don’t feel as connected to my K-pop collector identity as I once did.

Collecting has its toxic tendencies, and I truly look back and sometimes regret that I sent so much money on a collection just to say I collect it, y’know? A lot of that toxic mindset came when I was able to get every single Seungsik photocard that was coming out through my friend, Ro; in a way, I was deemed as the Seungsik collector because of that. But things got hectic and out of my control when it came to later comebacks and although I try to collect everything for Seungsik, I physically and financially can’t keep up. But in sight of accepting that I will never be able to collect everything out there, I also realized that I am able to enjoy comebacks and new releases more and that I’m not really a multi-collector anymore. Before collecting, that is what got me into K-pop in the first place: the insanely good music that came out of it! I still do collect my Victon boys, but I am trying my best to be okay that I can’t and refuse to collect everything these days. It’s just not a major interest of mine anymore.

2022 Liz was faced with new titles and hobbies. I left my job in early February 2022 after I was offered a position within the Registrar’s Office at the college I had gone to and worked at in the bookstore. The main reason why I took this job was that this new job had steady hours, which means I had a good idea of what my paychecks were looking like every time I got one. It was also my first “big girl job”, meaning I technically work for the city and get benefits and all of that. It was a job that gave me room to move up in without ever having to leave my job. Of course, I faced transitional challenges that took months to finally get over, but I’m glad that I took this job because I felt like this was now my second chapter in life, whereas my first chapter was at the bookstore and I felt like that chapter needed to be closed desperately.

Within this new chapter, I was also able to realize that I have new hobbies! Just recently, I began going to the gym and I didn’t realize just how much I actually enjoyed going! I try to go at least two or three times a week, but whenever I do and work out, I always feel great afterward. I was surprised that my fear of “working out and being sweaty in public” wasn’t as prominent as I thought it would be since that was one of the reasons why I never went. Needless to say, the gym just makes me feel like I can release any bad energy or tired energy in a healthy way. I’m very proud that I made it a goal of mine to start working out not just for the hell of it, but to also be in control of my body and maintain the weight I am currently.

I learned that I have challenges with control in my life. Maybe it was apparent even before having bariatric surgery that this challenge of control was present even when I was in my K-pop collecting days, but this year taught me that I face challenges when it comes to having control over my life. After having surgery back in July 2021, I didn’t really have to worry about my weight because my body was still recovering and for the most part, I wasn’t in control of my body; I had to listen and read my hunger cues and learn my body all over again because it wasn’t like how it was prior to having this surgery. It wasn’t until the weight loss began to slow down that I was worried I wasn’t doing enough or that this was the end of my weight loss journey. I didn’t know how to balance it out; some days I felt like starving myself will bring me back to where I was early on in my recovery, but then there were days when I ate because I always felt hungry even after eating.

On top of that, being the youngest and newest worker in an office where everyone has been there for the last decade was stressful and worrisome. At the time, I didn’t have the most supportive boss, which made things even worse considering I wanted to be a good worker but didn’t have any control over that since I didn’t know how to even do the job well. A lot of things from February to May contributed to my anxiety and inability to have control over my life. I still have to remind myself to this day that I can only control my actions and behavior; I cannot control other people’s thoughts or actions or behavior even if they affect me in any way possible. Within this time, I symbolized me gaining back my control by getting a tattoo! It’s sometimes embarrassing to tell people the meaning behind it when they see and huge ass “CONTROL” tattoo on my forearm, but it still holds great meaning to me and reminds me that even though struggling mentally with something so different and new for me, I am able to have control over my life.

I became a cat mom! Over the summer, we unexpectedly lost our senior cat, Babygirl, due to her old age. She was roughly 16 years old, and her passing was a heartbreaking one. She was the reason I actually started to like cats, even though she was in no way shape or form fond of me! I was like the aunt of Babygirl while my sibling was her hooman. After she passed away, my family and I went looking for a new cat to adopt, and that’s when these babies came into our lives! Porkchop and ShyGuy are brothers, and we adopted them when they were roughly 3 months old. It was definitely difficult the first couple of months over the summer since my family and I were not used to having kittens, so needless to say we lost a lot of sleep during the summer.

Because my summer hours made me stay home for most of the week, I became close to the kittens as I was playing with them, fed them, and spent time with them for the majority of their days. I didn’t realize that eventually, they would somewhat declare me as their hooman. ShyGuy follows me around like a shadow; he will follow me into the bathroom, to the kitchen, and when I’m working from home in bed or whatnot, he’s sleeping inches away from me. He’s not the biggest cuddler, but he adores getting kisses and chin scratchies. Porkchop is the cuddler. He will jump on my bed and purr to let me know that he wants to cuddle and watch some YouTube videos with me. Because he’s still a baby and really doesn’t know how to relax, he hasn’t stayed asleep on my bed when everyone else is asleep, but I know once he gets older, he’s definitely going to be the one that sleeps on the bed with me. As for now, I have to kick him off when he decides he wants to bite my computer and phone wires and scratches when I pull him away from them. But yeah! I just realized I rambled on about my two cat children like they were my human children!

With my newfound confidence, I became an assertive person. One thing I struggled with in my early 20s was the idea of being assertive. I had a hard time telling people my limits, or even how I felt if it meant I was going to get into a confrontation. I spent years in therapy trying to find ways to be more assertive and every time I felt like I was now being assertive, something came up to challenge it and it was always something I wasn’t ready for. I learned that assertiveness comes with a level of confidence I never had before. In my journey now becoming more confident, I saw just how easy it was to be assertive with myself and my energy. Some people may see this change in personality as now me “being a mean person”, but it’s not being mean if you know what you deserve and how valuable your presence and time on this earth truly is. Make time for those you love, but also make time for yourself. Tell people how you feel not because you want to be bitchy or mean, but because you know the friendship or relationship deserves open communication.

Again, I am still learning what it means to be me and how I handle new situations that I will never be prepared for. I think my worst fear out of everything is to have a really good sense of self, then allowing it to completely crumble when something happens to me that I didn’t see coming. As I get older, I realize that while there are going to be good and great days, there are going to be bad ones, and it’s really up to me to let it alter me as a person and allow it to retrograde my process as a person. Yes, my anxiety is still present in many different ways and I still have depressive episodes, but it’s truly about how to handle things and have control over yourself when unexpected things occur in life because they are bound to happen.

I think that’s it for now! I hope that wherever 2023 takes me, I continue on this path of growth and to continue learning more and more about myself! Plus, next year will be my last year in my 20’s, so it better fucking count. Haha, here’s to this year’s Lizmas and I hope you all enjoy the next eleven days to come!

The "Something" Series: Season 2

Something Coincidental: A Jamie Monologue.

liz

Grace surrounds herself with people similar to her, or maybe she just gravitates towards people she sees herself in.

Meeting her best friend Ari for the first time when I was first in New York was interesting. They had met through the law firm Grace used to work at, so when I came to pick Grace up from the firm one night, Ari made it apparent that she carried strong opinions. Even though there were times Ari would say something that made Grace instantly react in a bad way, Ari would always have her back, just like a best friend would. Ari saw Grace the way I see Shawn and Kevin: they are my closest friends through thick and thin.

So, when Ari told me it was best if I let Grace go after she left New York in January, I thought that would be the worst feeling I would ever experience. I was wrong.

“What are you doing here?” Skylar quickly walked toward me and said in a hushed tone.

“I’m sorry if Shawn hurt you in any way, Skylar,” I immediately started to try to defend my friend; the one whose heart is back home in pieces because he had to break up with someone he truly loved. I understand. “It’s not his fault that things had to be this way.”

“I don’t give a shit about that,” Skylar said bluntly. It took me by surprise. “What are you even doing here?” I was confused as in why all of a sudden, Skylar was mad at me or concerned I was even there in the first place. What did Grace tell her? What happened when Grace went home the last time we spoke?

“I made a commitment to Grace,” I finally answered her question. “I told her I was going to be here for her showcase–“

“You know, you being here will just be triggering to her,” Skylar interrupted me to say. I scrunched my eyebrows together; what the hell is that suppose to mean? “And the last thing she needs is to have her night ruined because of you.”

“I don’t know what Grace told you,” I began, but I immediately stopped. What point was I trying to make this time? What could I have possibly done to make Grace tell Skylar I was the bad guy? Why do I even care; she’s not mine to care about.

“It’s not about what Grace has told me,” Skylar cut me off before I could even start up my sentence again. “It’s about everything that has happened that has affected her. She literally left New York to get away from you, yet here you are now bringing all that old energy shit back into her life.” I didn’t understand where this was coming from at this point. It was only just a month and a half ago when she called the number I left for Grace. She was dating one of my best friends. What changed? What made Skylar say these things all of a sudden?

“If you cared about her, you would let her go,” Ari told me that night in her apartment, moments after I found out that Grace left New York. When I was walking out, that’s when Ari finally spoke again. “Grace was happy with you, Jamie.”

I turned around to look at Ari one last time before I left the apartment.

“But it’s the things that make her happy that are her biggest downfall,” she continued.

“Grace was amazing,” I randomly said. Skylar didn’t say anything in response. “She was definitely born to dance.”

I walked out of the ballroom hallway and didn’t turn back. I was mentally exhausted. I was tired of thinking and worrying about Grace. I’ve done nothing but do just that for the last couple of years. Maybe Ari was right about Grace and me when Grace left New York. Maybe this thing between us; whatever this was between us, was dying out. Maybe I was holding onto something that was just hurting us even more in the end. Maybe the pressure to hold on was what was causing the pain. Maybe releasing it all, to finally let it all go, is the only way we can both heal. I have to let Grace go for good.

It scares me that this time, it doesn’t hurt when I say that. It actually feels relieving. Because it’s something coincidental; two people in Grace’s life that probably never even met each other before share the same idea about Grace and me. We are not good for each other. Maybe I should’ve listened to Ari. To Kevin. To Shawn. I shouldn’t have listened to myself.

…

I entered the front door of the place I was staying at. I saw luggage bags already sitting near the door; they looked like Kevin’s. I shut my eyes tight. I couldn’t believe that we were leaving to go back to Korea in less than 48 hours. Every time I had to go back, it felt like I was leaving a part of me back here. I was tired of feeling that way.

I walked up the stairs and entered my bedroom. I looked around the room that I stayed in fro the last month and a half. The room I would come in after being out at the pier with Shawn and Kevin. The room that the guys would barge in to wake me up on mornings that I left my alarm going off. The room where I would pick up Grace’s calls, and go through the closet where my clothes were trying to find something appropriate to wear. The room I fell asleep in whenever I texted Grace “good night” when she would stop responding. It felt surreal to know that all those memories will be left behind in this room.

Everything about Grace will be left behind here.

I look at my wrist and see the bracelet that Grace gifted me.

“I know I didn’t need to give you anything for Christmas, but I wanted to,” Grace said as she handed me a small, wrapped box with a bow on top. I look at Grace before accepting the gift.

“Where did you find the time to even get a present?” I asked, smiling down at the gift. “You know, you are working nonstop on a case.” Grace laughed and clapped her hands together. Her laugh was warm on this cold, winter day.

“I wanted to get you a little something because you said this was the first holiday you were away from home,” Grace explained. “So, I figured I could still bring some holiday joy and cheer to you.” I looked at Grace, being in awe. Christmas wasn’t for another two weeks, yet she felt the need to get me a present and bring some of the holiday spirit in my rented apartment, in the middle of a foreign city thousands of miles away from home. I felt warm. Cozy. Cared about; just how a home should feel like.

I opened the small box and saw what was inside. “Grace,” I began to say. I lifted the dainty, silver bracelet from the box with my hand. It was simple; nothing too flashy. It had one small charm on the end of it; a key.

I lifted the dainty, silver bracelet on my wrist. The key dangled as I lifted my wrist up in the air. I slip the bracelt off of my wrist and put it in the draw of the night stand. Out of sight. Out of mind. Out of my life.

The Teenage Monologues.

Takes One To Know One: A Milo Monologue.

liz

Band class has really been the highlight of my school days lately. Every other class just feels like time doesn’t move, yet band always feels like there’s never enough time.

It’s probably because of these days, the only time I really get to see Sophie is in this class. My dad and Jennifer have been on my case about the whole Principal-warning-thing. I don’t understand why they care so much about my dual major status, but sometimes it feels like they care more about their son holding that title instead of acting and listening to their son and what they may need. But whatever, who cares anyway?

I sit in my assigned seat in the percussion area, taking out my notebook before the class begins. I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket, in which I immediately took it out in hopes it was Sophie telling me she’s on her way to class.

leesophie: Hey, Milo! I'm not in school today. I was sick this morning. 😦 Let me know if anything exciting happens in band, kay? (:

Well, fuck. I signed and put my phone into my book bag, disappointed that the one good thing about school isn’t even in school today. Before I sat back up, I see a pair of legs standing next to me. I rolled my eyes, knowing exactly who it is. I sit back up and see that it’s Aaron, waiting to get by me so he can get to his seat. I really dislike this guy; he never has anything nice to say and he thinks he’s better than everyone else in our classes. Like dude, you are in level 1 band for freshman and level 1 vocal for freshman; you aren’t that great.

“Where’s Sophie?” Aaron randomly asked me. I could feel my ears get hot. Why the fuck are you looking for Sophie?

“Why?” I asked, trying to make it as unbothered and neutral as possible. I don’t know if he bought it.

“Because I always have to kick her out of my seat,” he answered. “I was relieved to not have to break her heart today.” Aaron laughs and reaches into his book bag. Nothing this guy says or does is funny.

“She’s not here today,” I answered, trying to end the conversation there. I guess it walked since he didn’t have anything to say after that. Mr. Harrison walks into the class and quiets the class. He looks at us before beginning the class.

“Good almost noon, class. As you guys know, the October Fest is approaching us, and we are going to prepare something fun and festive to showcase.” Mr. Harrison flips through papers and begins to hand them out. “The seniors will also be paying tribute to one of our faculty members who is retiring, so I will also be asking a couple of you to accompany the senior band to do just that.” My eyes widen; the senior band sounds like they came straight out of a soundtrack for a motion picture. I can only hope that’s how we will sound when we get to that point.

“Mr. Harrison?” Aaron called out as he raised his hand. “Mr. Harrsion looks at him to acknowledge Aaron, as well as everyone else that turned their heads when his voice was heard.

“Yes, Aaron?”

“Is their a specific section of the orchestra you need for this senior tribute?” I scoffed under my breath in disbelief. This guy is so fucking full of himself, I swear.

“The senior band has to have a mock rehearsal before we can determine what it is that we need.” Mr. Harrison answered and continued to pass around the sheets. I couldn’t help but look over at Aaron just flipping through the sheet music. I still don’t know what’s his deal. What school did he even come from?

“I don’t roll like that homie,” Aaron said as he looked at me. “Either you need some notes or you just have a staring problem, dude.”

“I don’t need, nor want anything from you, Serrano,” I spat back. I wanted nothing more than for this day to be over; specifically this class.

“Whatever you say, Kamalani. Us dual majors gotta stick together,” Aaron said, as he began to make markings on his sheet music.

“Yeah, no thanks,” I rolled my eyes and responded. “Literally would rather work with anyone else but you–“

“Mollie, or Sophie?” Aaron interrupted me and asked. I looked at Aaron, not really understanding where he was going with this. Mollie? How does he know–

“I guess there’s more dual in your life than just your major, huh?” Aaron mocked back at me.

“Dude, you really need to shut up and just–“

“Kamalani! Serrano!” Mr. Harrison called out. We both looked up front, nervous that we were about to get in trouble. “Since you both love talking during my class, we can all have a chat after class as well.” I squeezed my eyes shut as Aaron sighed. I never hated anymore more than Aaron Serrano, and that’s saying a lot considering I hated Simon Hempstead back in middle school.

…

The bell rings and Mr. Harrison dismisses the rest of the class, while Aaron and I stand up front next to the teacher’s podium. I looked over at Aaron, who was typing away on his phone. He looks visibly annoyed, which I don’t get since he was part of the reason why we are both here. Once the rest of the class left the room, Mr. Harrison closed the door and had us sit in the desks in front of his.

“You both know better than to be disruptive in class,” Mr. Harrison began. This was starting to feel a lot like my last encounter in vocal with my dad; you should know better. I began to shake my leg in my seat, worried that this was the last straw and that I was going to get my dual major status revoked. I feel like a shitty President or something, one that gets into office but completely destroys everything in his sight because he doesn’t know how to be a good President. I believe Sophie told me that due to the constitutional law, it’s–

“That behavior is unacceptable for dual majors like you both, which brings me to my next point,” Mr. Harrison pulled out more papers from his desk draw and handed them over to Aaron and me. “I want you two to accompany the senior band for the tribute. Rehearsals for that begin after school on Wednesday.”

“Why do you need two people in percussion?” I asked, not really amused that I have to spend rehearsals with people I don’t know, and Aaron.

“Well, I know you two play instruments outside of percussion, so I want Milo to accompany percussion, while Aaron accompanies the bass.” I scrunched my eyebrows, a little annoyed that Aaron gets the chance to play other instruments outside of what he plays in this class. I know how to play other instruments, and probably a lot better than this douchebag. I look over at Aaron who is writing inside a notebook. Does this jerk ever give it a rest? Mr. Harrison got up from his seat, escorting us out of his class politely. “I’m not rewarding your bad behavior by giving you guys this opportunity, so by all means if it continues in class, you will be kicked out from the tribute and the showcase. I expect nothing but excellence from dual majors.”

I walked out the classroom while Aaron tried to pass me first. Aaron power-walked away from the classroom and into the hallway. I stood there, annoyed and in need to get chill until the day is over. As I walk further into the hallway to go to my next class, I take out my phone to text Mollie. 

milolani: you're free at lunch 2day?

Before I reach my next class, my phone vibrate in my hand.

mcastro: sorry dude, i gotta tutor this kid in vocal 😛

I was confused. Sure, Mollie and I haven’t hanged out in a while due to everything else happening in my life, but I didn’t know she was out here tuoring kids, yet alone in a performing arts high school.

milolani: in vocal? who?

Before I can send the message, my teacher for my next class called out for me to get her in her class before the late bell went off. I deleted it, annoyed that this day has literally gotten me nowhere with anyone. I wish Sophie was here today.

The "Something" Series: Season 2

Something that Move Mountains: A Jamie Monologue.

liz

The house has felt empty since that night Kevin told us he was going back to Korea. None of us spent time together after that. The living room was empty, the kitchen was empty, and for most of the remaining week we had left in California, none of us truly sat down to have a conversation. Kevin spent most of his time on the phone with JooAh; I feel like that was the only time I see him smile these days. It instantly fades when he hangs up the phone.

Shawn has been in his room for most of the days left here in California; heartbroken and crushed. I know that feeling all too well, and I feel so bad for Shawn. Maybe I shouldn’t have brought him with me to the Voyage that night. Maybe then he wouldn’t have met Skylar. Maybe then he wouldn’t have fallen in love with a woman that he can’t be with.

I look in the mirror and fix the collar of my button-down shirt. I brush the fabric of my slacks and look at the white sneakers I pair the outfit with. I slick my hair back, even though I want nothing more than to hide my face. I wear her bracelet even though I shouldn’t. I can’t help it; it’s truly become a part of me, just how Grace is. Was.

Kevin walks past my bedroom and stops to look inside. I turn around, not knowing what Kevin wants.

“You’re going out?” Kevin asked.

“Yeah. I made a commitment,” I answered, tidying up my room before I head out for the night. Kevin doesn’t move from the doorframe, so I stand in the middle of the room and just look at him. “Is everything fine?”

“I truly messed up, didn’t I?” Kevin confessed. I sympathized with Kevin; I know this was most likely because Kevin and Shawn were not speaking to each other. Shawn and Kevin used to be inseparable; I actually met Kevin through Shawn back in law school; I never understood how someone as introverted as Kevin became friends with someone as loud and energetic as Shawn. Their friendship worked, needless to say.

“You’re doing what’s right for you and JooAh, Kevin,” I answered. “I don’t think Shawn is mad at you for having to go back to her. He’s just–“

“He’s just in love with an American woman; I know,” Kevin finished my sentence. “But he’s acting like it’s my fault that they broke up, and it makes me feel like shit.”

“Shawn will eventually feel better; when he does, then you two need to have this conversation,” I told Kevin. It took Kevin and I months to put everything that happened in New York behind us. I know Kevin was just looking out for his friend when Grace and I weren’t on speaking terms. If he wasn’t so caught up in his own issues, he would’ve been the same way, knowing grace and I have spent time together here in California.

I pick up my crossbody bag and placed it on my shoulder. I turned around to exit the room.

“Have fun at your commitment tonight,” Kevin said. Heh, if only.

The first time I ever saw Grace was an accident. We had plans for dinner that night, and when I didn’t hear from her all day, I was worried. I watched her through the window of the studio, and if I didn’t know Grace’s presence as well as I do, I wouldn’t have thought the woman dancing was her. I still wonder what made her go into law instead of dance. Sure, she told me that she grew up watching her father working for the law and she was an amazing lawyer when she was one, but watching her dance was completely different. Grace felt like she was being her true self when she danced; the vulnerable, messy, loving woman she is. I already had fallen in love with Grace by that point, but I think I knew I loved her at that moment.

I arrived at the venue where Grace’s showcase was being held out. It was interesting to see so many important people sitting i ne room, watching young dancers showcase their talent.

“It’s in the Vermont Palace downtown,” Grace said as I wrote the address down on my phone. The sun was setting, and Grace was gathering her things to head to practice after having dinner. “It’ll be nice to have a familiar face in the audience.”

“Is Skylar not going to be there?” I asked. Grace shrugged her shoulder.

“Who knows,” she answered. “She’s busy with Shawn these days. I’m not mad at her or anything, but when she’s in this deep, she doesn’t remember anything she has to do or what others need from her.” I laughed, getting up from the table with her.

“Come on,” I looked at Grace. “I’ll drive you to your practice.”

I take a seat towards the back of the venue. The stage is lit with bright lights while the rest of the room is dark. A woman walks out and introduces herself as the co-founder of the academy, Morgan Kelly.

“Welcome to this season’s showcase, everyone. Our dancers have worked endlessly these last couple of months, and with their talents and determination, you are all are in for an amazing show. Whether you are friends or family of the dancers, or people within the business, we are happy to have you here tonight,” she greeted. Everyone clapped, and she spoke once the applause died out.

The dancers were amazing, to say the least. They all were so passionate and elegant about it. You can tell these dancers dance because this is who they are as people, just how I can tell I am a lawyer; it’s who I am. I think I always meant to be one, and I don’t regret anything that I’ve done that got me to this place.

Grace, on the other hand, was meant to do more than settle. She is a dancer.

“Our next dancer is fairly new to our academy, but her passion and talent truly speaks for itself. Originally from New York, she co-runs her family-own academy, teaching the next generation of dancers to come and change the game forever,” Morgan said. “Please give a round of applause to our next dancer, Grace Ashmore.”

Grace comes out in a flowy red dress. Red was always the best color on her. She stands in front of everyone, bows, and then looks toward the ground. The song begins to play and she immediately starts to dance. Watching Grace dance sometimes feels intrusive, like no one should be watching her be so vulnerable on stage. So expressive. So free.

I think about the stories she told me as a kid in her hometown and how she did nothing but dance. She didn’t have many friends because she was so busy being a tiny dancer. She always knew her mother was a world-renowned dancer; I wonder how hard that was for her growing up. To follow in someone’s footsteps that you never got to know until later in life, when it was too late… Grace dances for her younger self. She does it to connect with her; the one who knew nothing but dance, and that was all there was to life. When Grace’s life was simple. That’s why it feels so wrong to watch her dance, but it’s too mesmerizing to not want to watch her be… her.

The song is a simple guitar playing in the background and a man’s voice singing softly. Her body moves to every syllable of that damn song. How does she make something so simple look absolutely beautiful?

Sometimes it hurts like growing pains, at times it makes me cry like the rain, But I’d cross the ocean if I have to; I’d run through the storm to get to you right now…

It’s so natural to love you.

It’s so fucking natural to love Grace.

Grace spins and her dress moves across her body. Maybe I’m biased, but Grace has been the best dancer to perform tonight. She’s more than just this dancer that wants to dance for fun. She’s not meant to keep her talent hidden like this. She deserves the world to see her dance. Grace Ashmore deserves the fucking world, even if she doesn’t believe she does.

The song stops and Grace finishes her performance. The audience gives her a standing ovation, including me. She bows and smiles out towards us. She’s the happiest when she dances.

Shortly after, Morgan comes back onto stage and lets everyone know that there is a reception in the other room next door. As friends and family gather their things and head to the reception, I gather my things to exit the venue. I don’t want Grace to know I’m here, not after what happened at the pier last weekend. It’s best if she didn’t know. Tonight was her night, and I don’t need it to be ruined because I’m here.

As I enter the main lobby of the venue I look up from my phone and towards the front door. Even with the crowd of people standing and hanging out in the lobby, my heart nearly stops to my stomach.

I see Skylar, and Skylar sees me.

The Teenage Monologues.

Process of Elimination: A Mollie Monologue.

liz

A month into school, I’ve already made it a habit to be late to my classes every morning.

Milo and I used to walk to school together in the mornings, but since he got that one time in detention, Jennifer takes him to school. I only know this because Milo is constantly fucking complaining about how he’s in high school, yet his step-mom takes him to school because he’s been grounded for talking back to his dad in vocal class. I mean, Milo has been dead silent in that class since, but it’s definitely weird to go to our vocal class and not get my best friend anymore. His mind has definitely been in other places, but hey; that’s what happens when he’s a dual major in this school. They’ll work you like a dog.

I ran into school Wednesday morning, hoping to slide by the front desk security guards. I’ve been getting pretty good at being undetected by them; the last thing I need in my life is for my mom to be on my case about being late to school. I can’t help that the only person to get me to school on time got himself in trouble.

While the security guards talk to each other and do not pay attention to the front door, I slide into the cracked back door, leading to the auditorium. When I get into the school, I run up the auditorium to get out of it, just in case someone catches me in there. It’s kinda sad just how good I’m getting at this.

I looked at my phone for the time while I kept walking until I bumped into someone. Fuck, I’m done for. I quickly get up from the floor, beginning to apologize, playing it off just so that the teacher doesn’t tell the main office a student is roaming the halls.

“I am so sorry, I was trying to find my class,” I said as I tried to see the person I bumped into. The person picks their things up from the ground. It was not a teacher as I thought it was; it was another student. It was Aaron. My body immediately relaxed. “Oh shit, hey! I’m sorry about that.” Aaron pulled his wavy hair away from his face and smiled at me.

“No worries, Mollie,” Aaron replied. After getting myself together, I noticed that Aaron is holding two big binders in his hand. I nodded my head towards the binders, not really thinking about the words coming out of my mouth.

“Damn, what’s with the big-ass binders?” I pointed out. Aaron laughed out loud, so loud that I thought we were going to get in trouble for being out in the hallway.

“It’s kinda my whole school life in these binders,” he answered. “One for band class; the other one vocal.”

“Sheesh,” I began to say. “What are they teaching you; the first ever instrument to make a sound or some shit?”

“Oh Nah, nothing like that,” Aaron answered. “We covered that already. That’s in the first two binders back at home.” I laughed at his response. Homie got jokes.

“Well, on the plus side; you guys will easily be the most fit people in this school but the time we’re seniors,” I said. I looked at Aaron, realizing that he was more relaxed than most freshmen in this school. He’s also really confident in class, which most of us do not have yet. “Unless you are a senior already.” I spat out, again not realizing the words coming out of my mouth.

“Are you secretly a senior?” Aaron asked. “Because your talent screams ‘experienced and too advanced for a freshman’.” My face got hot; am I fucking blushing? I tried to wipe my face hard enough to make it seem like I made my own face red. I just hope he buys it. After that, we don’t really answer each other’s questions; we just hear the bell ring, which meant I missed my first class.

“Fuck,” I said more to myself than to Aaron. “I’m totally gonna fail my algebra class.” Aaron looked down at me when I spoke and started to walk down the hallway, now becoming more crowded with other students passing by.

“Do you need help passing algebra,” Aaron confidently asked. I looked up at him, kinda confused at where he was getting at. “Maybe we can help each other out.”

“You need my help with something?” I asked, a bit surprised that anyone would ever need my help with anything.

“I actually need some help in our vocal class,” he confessed. I scoffed, not believing him one bit. Aaron Serrano, the dual major, needing help in one of his majors?

“Vocal is literally one of your majors; how do you need help in that?” Aaron stopped in the middle of the hallway, which then made me stop. Oh, fuck. Did I upset him?

“I’m… not confident in vocal a lot of the times,” Aaron began to explain. “I keep fucking up the parts in our assignments and, well, Mr. Kamalani seems to trust you to always know all of your music.” I crossed my arms, amused that Aaron was asking for my help. I guess it made me feel good about my abilities, like I actually belonged in the program I’m in.

“So, you help me in algebra, and I’ll help you in vocal,” I stated more than asking him. He gently nodded his head as looked at me. Aaron always spoke directly to me, which I never had anyone really do. It felt nice to feel like someone was actually listening to me when I spoke.

“Are you busy during lunch today?” Aaron asked.

“You want to start today?” I asked, surprised at how last minute this was.

“We have quartets today, which I am scared as fuck for,” Aaron answered. His blunt answer made me giggle; it truly felt good to feel like I was good at something. I was still unsure; Milo and I always hang out at lunch together, even if there has been days where I was blown off by him because he was so busy with his band stuff. Oh, and Sophie; he spent all of his free time with Sophie in school, which pissed me off. Milo is my best friend, but it feels like I’m being replaced by Sophie as the days pass by.

“It’s okay if you can’t today,” Aaron said. I looked at him, wondering if he saw the look on my face. Maybe he felt bad for asking me. He shouldn’t, considering he’s been the only person to actually want to hang out with me, even if it was to help him with his vocal music.

“It’s okay, I can come and help with you that,” I agreed. Aaron smiled at me, and I returned the smile back. It wasn’t until a few seconds later that I heard my name being called from down the hall. I look down the hallway, and see Milo wave his hand up in the air.

“Cool, I’ll meet you by your locker at 6th period?” Aaron asked. I looked back at him and nodded.

“Number 618,” I said. He smiled and held out his fist in front of him. I gave him a pound, wondering when and how Aaron got so comfortable with me. I barely know the guy, but he talks to me as if we’ve known each other forever now.

Aaron walks down the hallway, opposite of the direction I walk to Milo. Let’s get this day started.