I took a deep breath before looking through the stage curtain toward the audience. The shimmery, gold dress I was wearing moved with every nervous tick my body ejected. The other dancers back stage were running frantically into their spots, possibly just as nervous to dance for the prize of a dream scholarship to Julliard. I peeked one last time before the stage crew directed us into our spots, giving us numbers in the order we dance on stage. I took a deep breath, telling myself that this was just another dance show that I did without my family or friends in the crowd. There was nothing new or different about this time around until I got up on stage to do my dance routine. After letting out a deep breath and opening my eyes as the music started, I saw her. Out there. In the crowd.
At 17 years old, this would be the first time my mother ever saw me dance at a show.
…
I haven’t felt this anxious in my life before, and that is being said by someone that just wrapped up a whole production in a foreign country for a year. Maybe the anxiety is hitting harder because this is something I can’t control; I don’t know the music, I don’t know the choreography, and I’m simply watching it in real time just like everyone else there.
I have to had opened every single suitcase that laid on my living room floor, trying to find this one dress I brought during my time in Ulsan. I knew that I packed it up manically with everything else in my room, but I couldn’t find it for the life of me. I start getting nervous now, thinking that I’m wasting time as it passes. I can’t be late for this; I promised I would make it and—
“Is this what you’re looking for?” I hear from behind. I quickly turned around and see Jamie standing there, holding the dress I was looking for. I let out a sigh of relief.
“Oh my god,” I walked up to Jamie as he handed me the dress. “Where the hell did you find it?”
“Hanging up on the closet door; the same place you left it last night,” Jamie mentioned. “What’s all the jitters about?” I looked at Jamie, immediately giving him the death stare.
“I’m jet lagged, and I promised my 5-year old daughter that I would be there for her winter recital,” I responded, walking back towards the bedroom. I hear Jamie follow behind me.
“And you’ll get there on time,” Jamie reassured as he watched me run around the room in a frenzy. “And Willow will see you in the audience rooting her on.” I looked back at Jamie, and he smiled as a response. I appreciate that Jamie was the optimistic one between the both of us, as it helps give me some hope that maybe every wrong scenario playing in my head won’t actually happen.
“How are you so positive?” I slightly teased, trying to grab a pair of shoes from the top shelf of my closet. Jamie laughed, walking into the room now towards me. He reaches up to get the shoes for me once he sees how much I’m struggling to get them on my own. I turned around and looked at him as he hovered the shoe box over my head.
“You have to believe that everything is going to work out if you put your mind to it,” Jamie answered as he looked at me. It was crazy to think that nearly 48 hours, Jamie was casually sitting in our spot in the cafe, as if it was normal for him to even be in New York. At first, it seemed surreal as if it was some sick joke or something. But it wasn’t. He was there, sipping on an iced americano in the middle of winter, smiling at me as I looked at him.
Before I was able to say anything, he gently kissed me on my forehead before placing the shoe box on the bed. I called out for him before he had the chance to leave the room.
“Jamie?” I said. He turned around; his full attention was now on me. “Thanks.”
“Of course,” Jamie began to say. “You weren’t going to reach that shoe box anyway—”
“Not because of the shoes!’ I said out loud, laughing at Jamie. “For being here for me.” He smiled before he said anything.
“Being here for you means spending more time with you, which in my case is a very selfish thing,” Jamie teased. I walked up to him to playfully hit him on the arm as he laughed. The closer I got to him, he immediately grabbed me by the waist, bringing me even closer. “I’m glad to be here with you.” This time, I was the one that kissed Jamie first, instantly feeling all the nerves escape from my body.
It wasn’t long after that I heard my phone ring on my vanity. The loud ringtone made both Jamie and I turn around towards the phone, caught completely off-guard. I rant to go and grab it, answering it almost immediately.
“Is Willow okay? Is she nervous? Oh my god, is she crying because she’s nervous?” I frantically asked, not even greeting Max over the phone. I turned around towards Jamie, who is now guiding me to take deep breaths for my own nerves.
“She’s fine, Grace,” Max responds over the phone. “I’m just calling to ask if you got the tickets I emailed you.” My eyes widen, immediately turning around to face Jamie.
“Do we have the tickets?” I asked in a panic. Jamie pointed towards the small table near the doorway where two pieces of paper are currently on. I shut my eyes and let out a sigh of relief.
“Are you going to be okay for tonight’s show?” Max asked, probably sensing the anxiety through the phone. “You know she will understand if you can’t make it tonight–“
“I’m going to be fine,” I said in a stern tone. “I’m just trying to get everything together while trying to adjust back to New York time zones and shit.” I glanced over to Jamie, who now seems to look worried. I took a deep breath before saying anything else. “Jamie and I will be there; we’re going to take the Metro-North and meet you guys at the place.” I hung up the phone once we said our goodbyes. I looked at Jamie, sighing.
“Ya,” Jamie said as he walked over to me. He placed his hands on my shoulders, trying to relax them. “What are you really nervous about, jagiya?”
“I don’t know,” I honestly answered, feeling frustrated. “It’s like my mind and body are in catastrophic mode, waiting for something to go completely wrong.”
“But what can possibly go wrong going to Willow’s recital?” He asked once more.
“Do you really want me to go through the list of things that can potentially go wrong?” I said, folding my arms across my chest. “Because there’s a lot.”
“Yeah, but it’s something about this show that’s making you jittery and anxious,” Jamie explained. “Normally, these things don’t get to you.” I looked at Jamie as he spoke, taking in his words that somehow always reigned true. Jamie had this thing that made it so easy to talk to him, even when I didn’t even know why I was feeling the things I was feeling.
“This is my first time seeing Willow dance,” I admitted. Willow began to dance while I was in Ulsan, which meant every performance or showcase her class had I couldn’t attend. It would kill me inside hearing Max tell me that Willow had another show; another dance I couldn’t see because of the distance. It made me uncomfortable; I felt like I was living my mom’s life during her 30s and only hearing about her daughter through the mouths of other people. “This is a big deal for me.”
“I know,” Jamie nodded as he said. I knew Jamie understood. I knew Jamie understood that it was more than just nerves regarding whether or not Willow will dance well. “And this is probably a big deal for Willow too; her mom being there.”
“What if I distract her or if I disappoint her, or–” I began going through the various scenarios in my head, psyching myself out even more than I was already. Of course, Jamie had to grab me by the arms to calm down.
“Jagiya, breathe,” Jamie said as he smiled at me. “You know none of that is going to happen–“
“I don’t know what it’s like to be the parent in the audience watching their kid perform, Jamie,” I spat out, looking at him directly in the eye. “Like, all these other parents in the crowd probably watched their kid rehearse their dance a million times before the show today, helped them get dressed into their costume; did their hair, took pictures of them before heading to the venue.”
“And? Not every parent there today did that with their child,” Jamie tried to reason with me. “Some genuinely are going to see their kid perform, go out to eat with them, and then going their separate ways because that’s just how things go.”
“But I’m her mom,” I further argued. “Her mom that is a dancer. I should be the one with her doing all of these dance things with and–“
“Willow isn’t going to care about all of that,” Jamie quickly jumped in to say. “The only thing she is going to care about is the fact that she sees you in that audience, watching her dance.”
“But–” I began to argue back, but it was like Jamie already knew it was coming.
“No,” Jamie interrupted me. “The simple fact that that you are going to her show is more than enough, Grace.” I looked at Jamie, listening to his words. I had to trust him and believe that everything will be alright, and all that Willow wanted from me to be at her show, as her mom. I smiled at Jamie, finally taking a deep breath before we both left the apartment.
…
Jamie and I were never great at catching the subway; we somehow always missed it at the last minute. By the time we made it to the Metro-North, we were running across platforms to make it before the doors closed. Thankfully we made it, and we quickly walked through the aisles to find a vacant seat in the cart. We sat down, catching our breaths as we looked at each other. Jamie smiles as he does, taking my hand into his as he leaned his head back onto the seat. I couldn’t imagine doing this with anyone else besides him right now.
I looked out the window as the day was turning into the evening. The jet lag must’ve finally set in for Jamie since he passed out within the first 10 minutes of the train ride. It was nice to see Jamie so peaceful; it seems like the last couple of months have been nothing but exhausting for the both of us, and for him to finally let that go in a 45 minute train ride to Yonkers was… cute. Safe. A home-like feeling.
I don’t know what the future holds in store for Jamie and I. Sure, we’ve come to a mutual agreement that we knew we wanted to be in each other lives, but we also both knew that the last time we tried doing this, it ended in heartbreak. We want to do things right; I want to do things right this time. No rushing, no worries; just simply loving the person you’re supposed to love.
For now, I think about Willow and her future. What if she wants to do dance as a career when she grows up? Will she make decisions based on what she grew up around? Will she grow up to resent me for my decisions as she gets older, the same way I did with my own mom? I was excited for Willow to now be at the age where she’s showing interest in different things; she reminds me a lot of how adventurous and curious I was with life. It still worries me how much I can see myself in Willow, not knowing if the bad parts will make their way to her as she gets older.
Before I allowed myself to go down the rabbit hole of thought, the train announcer speaks, letting the passengers know that the next stop on is about 5 minutes away. I gently nudged Jamie to wake him up, smiling as he turned his head over and opened his eyes. He immediately smiled back when he saw me.
…
The venue was pretty big for a children’s dance recital. I remember my first recital being held in a school lunchroom; oddly enough there was a stage at the end of the space that my dance academy used to rent out for their shows. Then again, that was nearly over 20 something years ago, and this is isn’t the middle of some town in Virginia. The other parents walk around the lobby, looking at all of the pictures that the academy hung up of their dancers.
“Jagiya,” I hear Jamie call out. I turned around to see Jamie pointing at one of the pictures as I waked over to him. “I think I found little bean.” I looked at the picture and nearly had to hold my tears back. It was Willow in a ballet tutu, smiling big with her curly hair tied back in a bun. Her eyes were blue and bright; light lived behind her eyes. I couldn’t deny that as she got older, I started to see how much she looked like me as a kid.
“I guess she’s not a little bean anymore,” Jamie said, rubbing my shoulder with his hand. I simply nodded, taking a picture of the photo on the wall with my phone. Time is a thing we totally take for granted, especially when it came to children. “She’s, like a sprout now.”
“A sprout?” I repeated, laughing at Jamie’s comment.
“Yeah,” Jamie said, trying to further explain himself. “Like, she’s not this tiny little bean anymore in the baby stroller; but she’s also not grown up like a tree just yet. She’s just the sprout.” I couldn’t help but smile at Jamie; his analogy sounds ridiculous, but I knew exactly what he meant by it. It wasn’t long after that I heard another familiar voice call out my name; I quickly turned around to see Max and his wife walk over our way.
“Hi!” Max’s wife, Mariam, greets us. She immediately goes in for a hug, which took me off-guard at first. “It’s so great to see you!”
“Hi,” I politely said back to Mariam. I looked at Max and waved. “Hi, Max.”
“I’m glad you were able to make it,” Max said, looking at me before looking at Jamie. “It’s good to see you again, man.”
“You too,” Jamie said, slightly bowing out of politeness. It was nice to see Max and Jamie being cordial to one another considering where we were a couple of years ago. I cleared my throat before I spoke as I looked in Mariam’s direction.
“Mariam, this is–” I said as I turned around and faced Jamie. My mind went completely blank, not knowing if it was okay to introduce him in the way I intended to. Was it too soon? We barely even had time to discuss things. It was the way that Jamie looked back at me that solidified things. Grace, you both know the truth. “This is my boyfriend, Jamie. Jamie; this is Max’s wife, Mariam.”
“Ah! Jamie!” Mariam said as she shook his hand. “Willow has said so much about you, but thought she had a friend at school named Jamie–“
“Oh,” Jamie said, surprised. “I’m surprised she even remembers me; I knew her when she was just–“
“A little bean,” I said, looking at Jamie. He smiled at my answer. “She’s always asking about you,” I whispered to Jamie. We both looked back at Mariam.
“She’ll be so happy that you’re here with Grace,” Mariam said to Jamie. I quickly looked at Max as he has his arm wrapped around Mariam’s shoulder. I quickly smiled at him, happy that after everything we went through in the last decade worked out in the best way possible for the both of us. We are both ended up getting exactly what we needed.
“Well, we should go and find our seats,” Max intervened. “We’ll meet back here once the show’s over for dinner with Willow.” I nodded my head as they waved goodbye at us. I turned around toward Jamie once they were out of sight.
“Does Willow really ask about me?” Jamie asked. It was cute to see Jamie get flustered about Willow remembering him. I knew it meant a lot to him as they cared a special bond when she was a baby. I nodded my head, putting my hand into his as we walked toward the auditorium together.
…
The room went silent when the lights dimmed low and a spotlight appeared in the middle of the stage. Willow’s dance teacher comes out from behind the curtain as the audience clapped their hands.
“Good evening, everyone. I’m Ms. Chloe, director and main choreographer of the Movement Mosaics Dance Academy. Thank you all for coming out here to support this amazing group of dancers; they worked so hard and diligently to put together a performance for you all tonight.” The audience continued to clap as the director cleared her throat. “Without further ado, I present to you this year’s Holiday recital, ‘Baby, Let’s Dance Outside’.” The curtains opened to a literal winter wonderland setting. The dancers were already in position, pretending to play with fallen snow on the ground. The music began and the dancers got into position, beginning their dance routine.
I couldn’t help but smile wide as soon as Willow ran onto the stage when her number was up. She was in the middle, dancing with a huge smile on her face. Willow definitely stood out from the other dancers; not because I was simply just looking at her, but she danced extremely well for her age group. Willow wasn’t just dancing because she was in a recital. She was dancing like a professional. Her technique was spot on; never missing a beat and paying attention to every detail of the routine.
“She’s dancing like you up there,” Jamie whispered to me. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her to respond. She was mesmerizing to watch. It was like she was naturally born with this talent. I wonder if this is what mom felt like the first time she saw me dance on stage.
It wasn’t long after that Willow’s eyes searched the crowd as she danced, looking for the people she knew. Once she was able to see me sitting in the crowd watching her dance, her face lit up. She smiled, nearly almost having to hold herself back from excitedly waving at me. She continued to dance, hitting every step of her dance.
I couldn’t help but get a little bit emotional in that moment. I guess Jamie had glanced over in my direction, and put his arm around me when he did. I continued to watch Willow dance; my eyes were glued onto her every step of the way.
“You did it, Grace,” I thought to myself, wiping the tears fallen down my cheeks. “You were able to rewrite history.”
-Fin-
Letters From Liz. 