Category: Topic Tuesdays

Topic Tuesdays: Random

Third Tattoo: Story + Meaning.

liz

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They say once you get a tattoo, it becomes addicting. In 2014, I told myself this was going to be the first and last tattoo I’ll ever be getting, yet here we are 5 years later talking about the third one I recently just got.

So yeah, on September 14th around 5ish on a nice ass breezy evening, I got my third tattoo.

I wanted this tattoo to be a little different than the ones I previously got. You see, my first tattoos are simply just lettering, which I thought was going to be the only tattoos I would ever put on my body. I told myself I wanted to be covered in words since I am a writer, and honestly, I would’ve stood by that goal if it wasn’t for the inspiration I had behind this tattoo.

My first tattoo was an homage to a TV show that ultimately saved my life back in 2013 and 2014, my second one was inspired on what I do, and this third one I wanted to dedicate it to the album that has saved my life a couple of times throughout the years: Kelly Clarkson’s My December. I’ve definitely spoken about this album in detail plenty of times on the blog, but one thing I left out was that even when I was a teenager, I wanted a tattoo that symbolized the album in a unique way. Of course, I never had an idea for what I would get to do so, so after a while, I just completely forgot about the idea. Until recently.

What makes My December such a beautiful album is that no matter how old I get and how young I was when it was first released, I related (and still relate) to those songs on the album. Kelly Clarkson has made it apparent that this album was written during one of the darkest points in her life, yet it’s honestly the most honest and real albums I’ve ever heard of music coming from an artist. Kelly fought for this album to be released; her recording label didn’t agree on the genre that she was now gravitating towards, which lead to poor promotions and record-low sales for an album of hers. Many people may not know this album when I tell them about it, but I certainly do, and it continuously impacts me the same way it did when I was 13-years-old back in 2007. It was a masterpiece in my opinion.

So, on Track 4 of the album, Sober, is possibly one of Kelly’s best songs for many reasons. The message behind it takes about the loss of toxicity in your life and having to rebuild yourself in a more positive matter, and whenever Kelly gets the chance to perform the song, it’s beautiful. She once told the story of how the song was inspired by a quote a friend once told her: “you just have to pick all your weeds and keep the flowers.”

And it’s so true.

For a person that hoards a lot of things in life, sometimes holding onto them hurts you more than it would if you let go. Sometimes, the weeds that are in your garden of life is killing the other things in it, and you just got to pick them all out in order to let the beautiful things in life, the flowers, remain beautiful. Also, sometimes removing the distracting weeds allows you to see the good things that are going for you in life.

So, I got this tattoo (template was found online) and thought that this was a perfect representation of the lyric.

Of course, I went to my usual guy in Brooklyn to get it tattooed, and the rest is history. Honestly, I’m in love with it.

I love how delicate and sweet the drawing is; it’s feminine, it’s a fine line tattoo, and I love how clean the whole thing came out. I can’t lie; I was in a lot of pain at some points where the needle hit the most sensitive spots, and all I could think about is how do people sit in these chairs for hours getting a tattoo. This one was probably 10 minutes tops, and it felt like I was there for 30. I did bleed a lot, which worried me because I never bled as much as I did with my other two tattoos, but apparently, I have “great tattoo skin”, and doing such fine lining like this is usually difficult to achieve. So, I’m glad for my “good tattoo skin”. 

It was a bittersweet moment going to the spot where I got my first two tattoos because it brings back a ton of memories. The first time I ever been there to get tattooed, I was 20, blonde, and someone special to me accompanied me for the journey. The second tattoo, I got into a great conversation with the tattoo artists about my favorite TV show ever while getting tattooed. This time around, it felt like I came full circle in an odd way.

I say that because I never thought I would get something drawn on my body. I was always too afraid for image pieces tattooed on my body. I knew I couldn’t handle the pain, I thought I would look ugly with a bigger, image piece on me, and I thought I would regret it once the high of getting a tattoo wore off. But I did it. I got through it, I love it, and although I shouldn’t get too deep about a damn tattoo, this truly represents a life that is continuously introducing me to new things.

So, yeah, I guess I’m picking the weeds and keeping the flowers. Hopefully, my garden of flowers will turn out beautiful.

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Topic Tuesdays: Raw & Personal

“I Matter.”: A Suicide Prevention Story.

liz

It’s not that I want to die, it’s just that I wish that the pain I feel would go away permanently.

The last time I cut myself was three weeks ago. 

For once, the physical pain of my scars was masking the mental pain I was feeling in that moment. It felt good for a brief moment, up until I recollected my thoughts and asked myself why did I resort to self-harm in the first place? Am I going down the rabbit hole again? Will the next time be more intense? What got me to finally relapse after years of being free of self-harming?

You see, the last time I cut myself was 6 years ago, in 2013. No therapist, no medication, not even fully aware that the things I was feeling and going through were major signs of depression. For 6 years, through the hard times and the rough patches, I was strong enough to not pick up a sharp object and cut my skin to mask the mental pain with physical pain.

But, that doesn’t mean I never had suicidal thoughts.

The suicidal thoughts were intense when I was eighteen. I was going through a major dark time in my life, and back then I actually wanted to die. I don’t know how I honestly got through it and out of that place, but my very limited memories of that time in my life are just me being intensely depressed, cutting myself on the bathroom floor, writing poems that were disguised as suicide notes.

Maybe it’s because I’m older that I now have a better understanding of life. My brain isn’t aware of that I feel the same type of pain I did back then, but I now have more value and respect for my life. I know I want to live. 

I want to live because I am only 25, and I still have an entire world to explore. I want to live to see my friends get married and start families of their own, I want to live to see myself get engaged and married in the future, I want to live to see who I am by the time I’m 30, 40, 50 years old. I want to live because I know my life is not over yet, and I know that I will get through this.

But to even get to that specific headspace takes so much willpower. Sometimes, there will be people that take more than one pill at a time just so that they get some well-needed sleep, and unfortunately, commit suicide in the process. Sometimes, there will be people who cut their wrists too deep and unfortunately commit suicide in the process.

As an active fighter against my own demons and survivor of defeating past ones, I stand here today to let you know that things will always get better, and your life matters.

You matter because people do love you. They will miss you. They will mourn you, and regret that they couldn’t help you when you’re alive. You matter because your unique talents and passions can make a difference not only to your life but also in the world. You matter because there is no one else like you; sure, other people may have similar qualities, but no one is going to be exactly like you in this world. Losing you means we lose your sense of humor, your style, your spunk, your passions, and the imperfections that make up the beauty in you. You matter.

I matter.

So while I’m getting the help needed in order to keep on living on this planet, I hope you are too. Ask for help, go and talk to a professional, you can even go online and talk to someone on NYC Well if you live in the NYC area (of course, there are other hotlines you can reach out to if you are not in NYC). Most importantly, create a safety plan for yourself in order to become aware of your behavior and thoughts when it goes through this crisis mode:

  • What are some of the things that trigger you into this crisis mode?
  • What are some of the behaviors you portray when they happen?
  • What are some things you can do to help cope when you are by yourself?
  • Who are some of the people in your life you can text or call when you are having a crisis mode?
  • What are some of the professional resources I can use if I can’t reach anyone personal in my life?
  • How can I prevent myself from self-harming in the future?
  • What are some of the reasons you want to live?

Simply creating a safety plan to live by and remember whenever you feel a lack of control in your life and going through crisis mode can honestly save your life. I created my own safety plan with my therapist a couple of weeks ago after admitting to her that I had recently cut myself after weeks of my depression becoming more intense. I now have a better idea of the moments and feelings that drive me to a negative headspace, and I now know what to do if I ever come confronted with those moments and feelings, and have other outlets to depend on instead of taking it out on my body. I now know what to avoid when I’m in that negative headspace, and I now know the unique objects and places that can help me through the negative thoughts and intense emotions.

It’s the little things that may actually save your life in the long run.

I’m an advocate for mental health, especially suicide awareness and prevention because I’ve been a victim and I’ve been a witness to it. It’s such a terrible thing to have to experience and hear about on the news, especially those who are in my age range and even as young as pre-teens. While we are having more conversations about mental health to prevent suicide, it is still one of the highest death rates within younger age groups, and I hope that at least sharing my story to one of you guys will help you understand that you aren’t alone, the thoughts and emotions you feel aren’t just yours alone, and that you can come out stronger and happier in the long-run.

Also, don’t feel bad if you relapsed in any way. I might have relapsed after 6 years of being self-harm free, but it doesn’t mean that the way I handled things in the past was right for my mental health. It also doesn’t mean all the process I’ve made since then is now gone. We all have our moments, and sometimes we don’t even have control over ourselves, but please – make sure you have some sort of safety plan so that your relapse isn’t an accidental suicide.

We don’t want to lose you because you matter.

And let those around you who are struggling to find reasons to live that they matter too.

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Blogust 2019: The Series, Topic Tuesdays: Random

Day 27: I’m A Horrible Multitasker.

liz

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Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

For a person who juggled school life, romantic life, personal life, and social life all at once during my student days, you would think I have a pretty good grip on how much I am able to accomplish within a certain amount of time, right?

Boy, I wish.

I think after I stopped being a student, I lost those multitasking skills because nowadays, I’m horrible at multitasking. It’s also weird; I feel as if people my age are always multitasking, yet if I attempt to do it, I break down. Truly, I do. 

If you’re anything like me, you would know how hard it is to fit things in your schedule, not because you’re extremely busy or anything, but once you have one or two things planned for the week, you then feel like you have a lot of shit on your plate and simply can’t juggle it all. Like that last sentence; make sure to take a breath during that lengthy explanation. 

I’m not bad at being organized and I don’t have a problem doing things on a deadline and whatnot, it’s more so I’m bad that “killing two birds with one stone.” I mean, if I have a therapy session to get to, but I have to walk the extra blocks to my pharmacy to pick up my medicine or something, it’s a trip. In fact, I almost died of exhaustion the last time I did that. 

But it’s simply not because I don’t want to do it. It’s more so of the fact that in my routine, the one my homegirl Anxiety and I have compromised together, doesn’t leave me feeling out of place or comfortable.

Lemme explain.

You see, we anxiety-ridden peeps (I apologize for the usage of “peeps” and I apologize for targeting my anxiety-ridden life yet again), function on having a routine. We all (if not most) hate the thought of change or a shift in our routine. When there is a shift of routine, we are pretty much only thinking about that one thing all day, until that event comes. When you find out what routine works best for you, it’s extremely hard to try to get out of it because it’s then our anxiety telling us to not break the routine. For example, if on Wednesdays I have therapy, but this particular Wednesday I have to do laundry either before or after my session, I’m all out-of-whack. I feel like I don’t have control over my own day. Is it nonsense? Uh, yeah, but does my homegirl named “Anxiety” care? Nope.

So, if there’s only one major thing you can handle out of your days, then so be it (for now)! Remember that routines are always bound to change, whether we’re aware of them or not! Some routine changes are going to be more difficult and uncomfortable than others, but I encourage to always find opportunities to switch things up a bit just so I get more comfortable in switches in my routine.

A good example is getting a job: most of my routine is now me at my job, doing what I have to do, and getting through the day. At first, it was scary to have such a big change in schedule in such short notice, and it just took me some techniques and exercises to adjust my body into the new routine. Does it mean that I’m any better at multitasking? No, it just means that I’m becoming more accepting to routine changes, which means if anything comes up, I’m able to learn how to multitask without freaking out that I had too much in my hands.

So, don’t beat yourself up if you can’t juggle more than one thing at a time. Maybe you’re just built to focus on one thing at a time, while others are able to tackle more than one task at a time. It doesn’t mean you’re lazy, it just means you’re a little more slow-paced and articulated about the activities you do during your routine.

So, hey if you’re a horrible multitasker, that’s fine! Welcome to my exclusive club.

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Blogust 2019: The Series, Topic Tuesdays: Raw & Personal

Day 13: Let’s Talk About Non-Binary Pronouns.

liz

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Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

I’ve might’ve said this about 20 times on the blog already, but we really do live in such a progressive time. A lot of changes (good and bad) are being made, and a lot of our ideologies about things are not simply black and white anymore; instead, they are gray.

A lot of the gray areas that are now being discusses is the concept of gender. It’s always been that at birth, you were born as either a boy or a girl; penis or vagina. Many of us grew up with that ideology and when it was questioned (i.e. being transgender or dressing in drag), many of our younger selves mocked it. I mean, the Maury Show used to have a whole segment on drag queens trying to guess if they are a man or a woman? Don’t lie; your younger self loved that shit. 

But, we grow up and we decide to start thinking for ourselves. We start questioning society roles and society’s rules about everything, and when you join a group that relates to the struggles you may be having as a person, you then finally feel like you belong in a community that is just like you.

I can only imagine how many guys and girls grew up feeling like something was wrong because they didn’t feel like a guy or a girl.

Although I am a cis, straight woman, I do have a non-binary sibling, and it’s been extremely hard to not slip up on their pronouns.

My sibling has been open about their identity for a few years now, and when the process first started to happen, it was really hard to accept just because on the other side, you feel like you are losing someone that you knew your whole life. While I am now more acceptive of the pronouns and become more aware of the non-binary ideology, it’s still a concept that you definitely have to train your brain to learn. Many of us do identify others and their relationships simply by their gender/sex, and when the person tells you it’s otherwise, it feels foreign. But, I know at the end of the day, it’s not about me and how I feel, it’s about what makes them happy and if they feel like they are finally being seen as them, then that’s all that matters about the situation.

It’s easier to catch myself slip up when writing about my sibling and using their proper pronouns, but verbally speaking it’s still a challenge. Yes, “she”, “her’s” and “her” still slip from my mouth when referring to my sibling. Yes, I call them my sister. Little by little I am trying to show my sibling that I am supportive of their identity and that it’s going to take some time for me to get used to their pronouns, but it does not mean that I don’t care or don’t listen if I slip up.

If you are anything like me, a person with a sibling that identifies as non-binary, then please be respectful of your loved ones who identify as such. I could only imagine how difficult it was for them to open up and discuss a concept that many of us are not familiar with and one that many people do not accept. Be gentle, kind, and respectful. Also, don’t treat them any differently! Just because your sister or brother uses the oppositely signed pronouns, it doesn’t mean that their interest and the things that bonded you guys in the first time disappeared.

We, as a society, have to stop thinking that male and female are forms of identity. Maybe they are to some but to others, they don’t mean a thing. No, your reason to not respect your child’s wishes to be called the opposite or non-binary pronoun because “you gave birth to a boy/girl” is not valid. Your feelings as a cis person do not matter in these situations.

If you truly love someone, whether it’s a family member, friend, spouse, whatever they are to you: you would accept them for all that they come. Nothing is truly changing about them, just their unofficial society-written concept of gender.

Love you, Meg. ❤

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Topic Tuesdays: Random

Whatcha Been Up To, Liz?!

liz

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

So, it’s the end of July, and to be quite honest with all of you, I’m going through a really bad writer’s block. All of the content I’ve been writing for this past month has been for preparation for Blogust, which starts in TWO DAYS!

Because of this, I feel like I’ve been sort of away from the blog in a way. Meaning, I feel like I haven’t had any sort of update on my personal life and what’s currently going on that’s not this blog.

So, whatcha been up to, Liz?!

Well, in regards to being productive, I am currently in the research part of my project with my co-writer. For the last two months, we’ve read tons of articles for our collab article piece, having meetings to discuss some of the key points, and we are soon going to start the writing process, which I’m the most nervous about. It feels like I’m writing my thesis all over again, just with a higher and more qualified person helping me write it as well. Nevertheless, the writing process is going to be a long one, so I’m happy to at least entering the second, and longest stage of the project!

This past month, I read Vershawn Young’s newest book, Other People’s English: Code-Meshing, Code-Switching, and African American Literacy, which discusses a lot about languages being used inside the classroom setting and how minoritized groups of students should be able to express themselves in the language they are most comfortable in and without forcing them to strip away their identity to “act white” in their writing in academic and professional settings. In other words: SAE shouldn’t be the only language that is considered a “successful” one. Like the Obamas who’ve used the technique of code-meshing to maintain their identity in a position of power, we can still be ourselves and be successful. Just saying.

So yeah! A lot of writing studies and rhetoric composition being read this summer!

While I do that, I’ve also been job hunting, which has been a process within itself. It’s taken me a lot of self-talks to become a little more realistic in what I would like to do, and some encouragement from my partner to keep me level-headed every now and then whenever I find myself being more of a dreamer than a person with a plan. I’m not saying dreams aren’ unreachable, but work needs to be put into them to be able to achieve them, and sometimes that requires doing things you wanted to avoid. Yeah, maybe working a couple of hours of retail may help me achieve my goddamn dreams in life. I am still quite okay with the process I’m making, but I am getting a little antsy hoping that something will strike.

Regarding mental health: I’ve been doing pretty good! My anxiety and depression aren’t as troublesome as it usually is during the summer (I easily get more depressed in the summer) so I consider that an enormous step towards my healing journey! Of course, there are times when I go through a depressive episode and there are times when I’m feeling extremely anxious to the point of having an anxiety attack, but I am opening and more comfortable having them because I have a better understanding of what I have to do in order to overcome them. So, I’m good, she’s good, and the house we live in is good as well.

I’ve still been trying to enjoy my summer every now and then, whether it’s going out with my partner on the weekends, or going to the community pool with my sibling. Instead of letting the hot weather control me (which it still does to an extent), I am trying my best to enjoy it for what it is and to stay happy and productive! It’s so easy to just stay in the house cooped up in my room with my AC on, and although it’s nice to do something like that after a long day of productivity, I wouldn’t want to spend all of my days just sitting there.

Nothing is that exciting in my life, but I’m glad that it’s going a lot better than it did this time last year. Last year, I had just lost my grandfather to cancer, and dealing with that plus my mental health was a lot for me to handle, and I honestly wasn’t in the greatest place last summer. I’m just happy that this summer, I am a lot calmer and mentally healthier.

That’s about it! I hope you guys are excited for Blogust 2019! We’ll be returning some series throughout the month: voiceless rant, creative pieces, Overexposed, and maybe even some Self-Appreciation Saturdays Sundays! I hope you guys enjoy all the content coming your way!

Thank you guys for your neverending support.

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Topic Tuesdays: Music

Initial & Post-Finale Thoughts on Mnet’s Produce X 101.

liz

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

So, we’re doing something a little different on the blog today. Today (as in the day I am writing this) is Thursday, July 18th. I say that because it’s pretty important to point out that this section of this post is before the official results of the final lineup on Produce X 101 is revealed, and before that happens TOMORROW (8pm in Korea, so roughly about 7am in NYC), I wanted to share my ideal lineup, as well as the predicted lineup that I feel will most likely be revealed tomorrow.

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Before we start, I would like to give a little background on the Korean survival show. Produce X 101 is the fourth installment of the wildly popular Produce series. Season 1 put together girl group IOI, season 2 put together boy group Wanna One, and season 3 (which was called Produce 48) put together girl group IZ*ONE. With that being said, this season was now looking to put together a boy group! This season, like the last season, played around with the rules of the show a bit, which was interesting considering many of its viewers were beginning to predict how these final line-ups were going to look like under the old rules, which was just simply Produce 101. In Produce 48, the trainees were a mixture of both Korean trainees under Korean entertainment agencies, as well as Japanese idols under AKB48, a popular company in Japan. This season, although has some global trainees in the show, is known for the X, which is the unknown position. In other words, the top 10 boys at the finale will debut no matter what, but they are debuting 11 boys. In other words, 11th place at the finale would normally be the one to debut, but instead, the X boy is the person with the most votes in the entire season will be the one who debuts. You’ll understand later on.

With that being said, this is my ideal top 11 boys:

  1. Wooseok (aka Wooshin in UP10TION) seems like a strong face to become the center of the group, not only because he has already debuted in a group, but he has this aura about him that makes him the perfect center for these boys. While being on the show, he has played the center for some of the performances throughout the season, so seeing his willingness to stand out and be a center has been proven. Image result for wooseok pdx101 gif
  2. Yohan has been a favorite of mine ever since he sang a song with wheelies on at his first evaluation in episode 1. He’s cute, he’s funny, and he’s improved so much throughout the season; it’s crazy to think that this was a boy that only trained for three months prior to the show. He’s proven himself time and time again that he’s flawless at everything, no matter what he does. He’s definitely debuting. Related image
  3. Hyeongjun has also been a favorite of mine since the beginning because he just had that idol appeal to him. Although he was showcased as a shy kid who didn’t want to dance for the judges during his evaluation, he’s definitely proved himself to be an all-concept type of guy. I’m glad that Korea sees something in him because I was truly afraid he was going to be eliminated early on. Plus, his iconic “OWW!” during the Finesse performance was behind cute.Image result for hyungjun pdx101 gif
  4. Dongpyo, our PDX101 center for “X1-MA“, is the cutest thing and he has stood out since the first episode. His personality, aura, and looks remind me a lot of IZ*ONE’s Yena, and I hope Mnet portrayed him that way because he was no doubt going to debut. As of lately, his ranking has been going down, and as of now, he sits at 12th place, which is concerning because I feel like this group will feel empty if Dongpyo isn’t in the final lineup. I also believe he’s center material for the final lineup because he is that cutesy, yet sexy concept switcher. I mean, his Believer performance was… out of this world. I hope he debuts in the top 10! Related image
  5. Seungwoo (a member of VICTON) was someone that I believe flew under the radar until just recently when he got more screentime. As of the top 20, he is the oldest contestant on the show (he’s 25 in Western age, but 26 in Korean age) and he just oozes in both sex appeal and overall likability. He has one of the most amazing voices on the show, and if he debuts, I believe he would make an amazing leader for the group. His high-note in “U GOT IT” is just mesmerizing.Image result for seungwoo pdx101 gif
  6. Jungmo was someone I thought wasn’t as popular as he really is, but he’s been in the top 10 for most of the season with the exception of is ranking currently, which is 15. He’s definitely someone that’s interesting; because he is widely popular, he will most likely be the X boy that debuts. His accumulated votes as of now rank him as one of the highest, so if every single boy that has more votes than him debuts in the top 10, he will be the X boy.  I would prefer him to be one of the top 10 boys instead of the 11th because second after him would be Dongpyo to debut if he doesn’t rank in the top 10, but needless to say, he’s debuting. Probably.Image result for jungmo pdx101 gif
  7. Dohyun as our maknae please! He is the fiercest 16-year-old ever and I believe he would be a great addition to the group because of his rap skills and versatility. He was also another person who was under the radar until he got put into the top 10 throughout the season. He definitely started to stand out for me when he rapped for the position evaluation in episode 6.Image result for dohyun pdx101 gif
  8. Yuvin (a member of MYTEEN) is a pretty damn good vocalist if you ask me. He has a lot of color in his voice, he’s able to control it well and be stable due to his experience, and he does have pretty good stage presence. In the following weeks, his ranking has fallen and I believe it’s because people are becoming less interested in him, but I still hope he makes the group and becomes a main or lead vocalist!Related image
  9. Wonjin is such a humble and hard-working trainee, and it saddens me that he hasn’t been ranking high like he was at the beginning! I hope he gets to debut with this group because he has color in his voice that a lot of the trainees don’t, and it would be nice to have someone in the group that sounds a little different. Plus, he’s hella funny! Also, I believe he has the potential to be the leader of this group as well because he is so hard-working!Image result for ham wonjin pdx101 gif
  10. Tony has been my absolute favorite since the beginning and I’m so shocked and happy that he has made it to the finale of the show. Although I don’t think he’ll be debuting (not a lot of people are rooting for him because of lack of screentime and being lost in the rankings), I feel like he would be a good fit for the group. Being the only foreign trainee left on the show, I feel like he would be a good representative for the group for the international fans, and even fans in Asia (since he is Chinese). I feel because they want this group to be global, it wouldn’t be right if there wasn’t a foreign trainee in the group! Tony is such a hardworking trainee, he speaks perfect English (like perfect fucking English) and he’s cute! I hope he debuts in the top 10!Image result for tony pdx101 gif
  11. Mingyu will debut. No doubt. He’s the Sakura of this season. He can do no wrong to voters, and even though he isn’t anything special, he will debut due to his popularity. I feel like he has a lot of room to improve and if he does debut he will, but I don’t see anything special about him. He’s just… there. But, he is a very hard worker and he’s always ready for a challenge!Image result for mingyu pdx101 gif

Prediction Line-Up:

  1. Yohan
  2. Wooseok
  3. Mingyu
  4. Jinhyuk (became popular & currently high-ranking. Fire ass rapper!)
  5. Seungwoo
  6. Eunsang (another popular & high-ranking trainee. He’s okay in my opinion.)
  7. Hyungjun
  8. Dohyun
  9. Seungyoun (a trainee I wouldn’t mind in the lineup!)
  10. Junho (another popular trainee I don’t care for.)
  11. Dongpyo

Let’s see what happens tomorrow!

July 20th, 2019:

Hello! Saturday Liz here, also known as “the Liz with tears in her eyes as she’s writing this”. I just finished watching the finale of Produce X 101 and my god was it a roller coaster. There were twists and turns, and tons of tears cried from everyone watching, but for the most part, I am happy with the lineup of this new boy group, X1!

Lots of familiar faces, huh? I’m a happy camper, even if some of these members were not in my ideal top 11, I actually do like most of these boys in this lineup. The official rankings and positions are as follows:

  1. Yohan (OUI) – Center, Sub-Vocalist, Lead Rapper
  2. Wooseok (TOP Media) – Lead Vocalist
  3. Seungwoo (Plan A) – Main Vocalist
  4. Heongjun (Starship) – Lead Rapper, Lead Dancer
  5. Seungyoun (Yuehua) – Lead Vocalist, Lead Rapper
  6. Dongpyo (DSP Media) – Lead Dancer, Sub-Vocalist
  7. Hangyul (MBK) – Main Dancer, Lead Vocalist
  8. Dohyun (MBK) – Main Rapper, Maknae (Youngest in Group)
  9. Junho (Woollim) – Lead Vocalist
  10. Minhee (Starship) – Lead Vocalist
  11. (X) Eunsang (Brand New Music) – Sub-Vocalist

It’s sorta crazy how I predicted 9 out of 11 members of the final line-up, yet I was still shocked to read the final rankings yesterday morning when they were first announced. (Funny story: I was at a job interview looking at them) Anyway, I really do like the line-up of this group more than I did when Produce 48 announced the members for IZ*ONE. I feel like for a group that will be promoting for 5 years (the longest in the Produce series), I’m very excited to be a fan of these boys. I’m so glad that Dongpyo made it into the final line-up the most; he was always one of my top picks and I think he’s going to do a great job in this group. I’m also quite content with Yohan as X1’s center; he truly is the face of the group and even this season of the Produce series. Plus, he deserves it so much.

Of course, I am devastated for Yuvin and Wonjin the most out of the top 20; they were both visibly upset after the announcements and it’s a shame that their talents will not be showcased in X1. Of course, Yuvin will be back in MYTEEN with other Produce X 101 trainee, Kookheon, and I hope their group will now gain more fans and fame now that they were on the series. The same goes for Jinhyuk; although I bawled my eyes out when he was sad he couldn’t debut with fellow UP10TION member, Wooseok, I just know that UP10TION will now get the hype and love from fans of the show. As for the Starship boys left who didn’t debut, I hope that they could possibly debut in a cutesy boy concept within their company; they were all so incredibly talented and well-loved! 4 out of the 5 made it into the top 20 after all! As for my first-ever pick, Tony, I hope he has gotten the recognition he got being on the show and possibly start doing some solo work within his agency and become the global star he’s bound to be!

I know a lot of the fans of the show came up with a concept that the first season of Produce girls who ranked 12th to 19th place (I believe) did after the show; it was to become a group within the eliminated trainees. This fan project for the Produce X 101 boys is called BY9 (Be Your Nine) and I’m honestly all here for it and hope someone takes the opportunity to debut them as a group.

I was very surprised to see that Starship’s Minhee was announced as a member of X1. He was never in the top 10 during the season, and he was always just overshadowed by everyone throughout the season. I believe him becoming the main vocalist for the concept evaluation saved him in all honesty. I wasn’t that surprised to hear that Woollim’s Junho and MBK’s Hangyul made it into the final line-up; they both had a lot of fans and support throughout the season. This was also Hangyul’s first time being in the top 10 in the season, and I’m happy that he’s in the group! As for Junho, well, maybe I’ll get to know him better when he debuts in X1.

As for the X member, I was shocked to hear that it was not Jellyfish Entertainment’s Minkyu that was the trainee with the most accumulated votes. He was always in the top 10 throughout the season (although I don’t understand why) and was wildly popular for his visuals. He was hard-working, yes, but I’m not that upset that he didn’t debut. If anything, he should leave his company to try to debut with someone else. It’s no doubt he will. I’m quite happy it was Eunsang that debuted as the X member; he was also a good vocalist on the show.

It’s just very interesting to see how straight-forward the results were this season. Last season, a lot of people were upset at the lineup for IZ*ONE just because a lot of them were just visuals and not that talented. I had my favorites and was upset when they didn’t debut, but to see how successful IZ*ONE is now and to see the improvements of those questionable members, I can’t see them being anything else than what they are now.

And that’s it for Produce X 101! I’m excited to see what next year has to offer in the Produce series, as well as being introduced to all of the female trainees waiting to debut!

As for now: X1 hwaiting! ❤

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Topic Tuesdays: Music

TWICE Mina’s Sudden Extreme Anxiety & What It Reveals About the KPop Industry.

liz

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

Many of you know that I’m a huge KPop fan, and most of the music I listen to nowadays is just straight up KPop music. I’m not the only westernized person to enjoy the music; KPop has now made its way into mainstream media and millions of people listen to it as well. Because of this, it has changed the KPop industry tremendously; companies are working twice as hard to put out new groups and music in hopes of becoming as big as “the big 3”, and KPop idols are now looked at through a microscope even more than they were before.

Like any industry, there are issues that occur and questionable things that happen behind the scenes. There have been reports of some idols becoming sick and overworked to the point of fainting on stage, idols (especially women) are losing so much weight to fit Korea’s obscure beauty standards, and these idols are really giving up their freedom to pursue their dreams of becoming KPop idols.

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In recent weeks, TWICE member Mina has been taken out of appearances with the group due to health reasons, and while most fans thought it was just a temporary illness and she would return for their tour, JYP Entertainment realized a statement that due to Mina’s “sudden extreme anxiety and insecurity while performing on stage”, she will not be attending the remainder of the world tour, which is definitely sad for a lot of the international fans that are attending the tour dates scheduled for later this month. At their most recent tour stop in Singapore, the members were visibly saddened about Mina’s absence.

Because we don’t have any more detail on what’s to come with Mina, fans of the group are a little on edge. What’s going to happen? When is Mina coming back? What happened to even cause such a reaction anyway? It worries a lot of fans because members leaving temporarily due to health reasons is one thing, but there are a lot of incidents where members permanently leave the group due to these health reasons, and they fear that with time, this will be the same fate for Mina. While I personally don’t believe a departure from any TWICE member is coming anytime soon, I do believe that it was right for the company to pull her out of activities for her mental health, and although a place like South Korea may not hold mental health to the same value we do here in America, it’s important to talk about it and to bring awareness that these idols are not robots, and even through their smiles, they can still be hurting.

To the people commenting on this situation with “sudden extreme anxiety doesn’t just happen”, it actually does. Sure, it may not happen overnight, but anxiety happens to all of us on different levels. We may be fine one week, but then we’re anxious about something the following week, and sometimes, that anxiety just doesn’t go away. We don’t know how long Mina has been fighting this anxiety; just because she appeared to be fine on previous activities following up to this, it doesn’t mean that she didn’t get off that stage and didn’t have an anxiety attack.

Mina, being known to be one of the quietest ones of the group, could’ve been fighting anxiety all their life, as well as any other member of TWICE and any other idol in the KPop industry. Training in a company for years with no real answer whether you’ll debut or not is anxiety-inducing within itself. These trainees question whether or not they are good enough to debut, they’ve been torn down for most of their career and wonder if they are capable of fitting the shoes of their seniors in the company. If these trainees do get the opportunity to debut, who’s to say they aren’t anxious to see how long they will last as a group and how many comebacks they’ll actually get the chance to have? Many of these idols and trainees probably deal with anxiety but are too afraid to show it because of mental health being looked upon as a taboo. 

Be sincere to your favorite idols in the KPop industry. Don’t try to automatically blame a company for lying or covering up something even more severe, because anxiety IS severe and it could happen to anyone, even to someone as successful and well-loved as Mina. If you are attending any of the US tour dates later this month, let TWICE know that you support them no matter what and you care for them and you have Mina in thought on that day! Be the support that sadly many of these idols don’t have in their personal lives. Be gentle and be kind to anyone that you admire; they are also human too.

Get well soon, Mina. I hope you fight through this & come back stronger than ever. Mina 화이팅! ❤

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Topic Tuesdays: Raw & Personal

My Truth About Healing From Trauma On My Own.

liz

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

Now, I’ve tried to write this post a couple of times during the month of June, but quite frankly I wasn’t in the mood to talk about this, but I also feel like a letter like this could help a lot of people out with their own individual traumas in life, because I know I didn’t have anything (nor really anyone telling me) that helped me at least start my healing process from my traumas.

Now, there are a lot of things in my life that was quite traumatic for me to experience, but this letter will focus on the trauma that I’ve normally talk about: my eighteen. If you’ve been an active Letters Reader (even when it used to be TNTH), you know that I’ve been open and honest about the things I’ve experienced and the raw, personal feelings and emotions I felt during that time, and even after. Although there will be times when I feel like talking about it makes me uncomfortable and uneasy, I remind myself of a quote an author said at her reading at my college during my sophomore year of college:

In order to help people survive, you must tell the story of your own survival.

To this day, I really do live my life with this quote in mind, even after all these years.

The truth of the matter is is that people heal differently. Some people are very private about their traumas, others neglect ever thinking about them, some move on from them in their own ways, and me? I write about them.

I am a writer after all, and that’s my truth on how I’m healing from my trauma.

The very first time I wrote about my trauma was during a creative writing workshop class in college. Our first assignment was to write a creative non-fiction piece, which in other words like a memoir piece. I don’t know what prompted me to write about one of the worst days of my life, but I did.

I wrote about the day I ran to my guidance counselor’s office as I was having a mental breakdown during school.

Not only was it nerve-wracking have to relive that day as I wrote down the story, but it was even worse when it was my turn to share my piece with a group of writers during our workshop. It was the first time I told a story about my trauma to a group of strangers, who didn’t know me as a person outside of these classroom walls.

I don’t know how my story got across to these people, but the workshop then turned into this supportive group that kept telling me, “it is all not your fault.” And I truly think that was the beginning of this healing process over my eighteen trauma; I had to take responsibility for the shitty things I’ve done, but I shouldn’t put all the blame on myself.

I’ve had other creative opportunities to write about this time in my life and share with our writers who also possibly shared their own life secrets in their writing. I’ve written theater scenes about my trauma, perspectives between me and the parties involved during this time in my life; it was the singlehandedly the only thing that would pop up in my head when I got the assignment to write about something that affects you to this day.

And I’m still writing about it.

I don’t write about this time in my life to get attention, or because I feel salty about it. I could honestly care less about the past because it’s just simply not a representation of the person I am currently. I write about it for myself before anything else, to heal my soul and come to peace with what I went through, and then I write it for the people who feel like their trauma clouds their happiness. I hope that whoever may be reading this, feels confident enough to overcome their traumas and see that things do get better, and life does go on.

Of course, growing up and letting time pass has helped the process a bit. Therapy also really helps with my healing process; our session two weeks ago was solely about this time in my life and I’ve come a long way from where I was even a couple of months ago with this trauma.

And that’s my point: I’ve been working it out without that “closure” everyone thinks will heal them permanently from their trauma. Some of us are lucky to get that closure and officially close that book for good, but also there are some of us that never, and will never get that closure.

I never got that conventional closure. I never got to tell the people who hurt me most that what they put me through damaged me for years. I never got the chance to express that although time has passed and I’m getting better, the trauma still exists, and for years it has hindered some of my abilities in life, that it took a long ass time to love the person I am and to forgive the person I was, and even then, I’m still healing from the past and I’m learning how to honor the girl I was because Lord knows if I gave up and lost faith in myself back then, I’d probably be dead by now. 25 wouldn’t have been here to finally see how it feels like to love herself.

I got my own closure when I started to write about it and not be so afraid to talk about it anymore. 

Writing may not be for everyone, so I hope that if you are going through any sort of trauma and want to begin your healing process that you find a healthy and helpful way to kickstart your journey. Mine took years to start, and it’s taking years to end – but as long as you’re coming to term with what happened and that your trauma will never win and define you, things will get better. You WILL get better, and you will come out stronger than you were before.

I’m still here because I write.

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Topic Tuesdays: Random

Is Learning a New Language Considered “Cultural Appropriation”?

liz

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

So, my self-judgment has been speaking to me as of late. As a matter of fact, she’s been screaming at me for the last couple of weeks as I started to partake in a new hobby: learning a new skill. Although I try to not listen to her, I can’t help but see some truth in the things she says. I mean, a self-judgment side usually tries to twist some truth in your beliefs or make you change something that you’re doing, right?

She has accused me of engaging in “cultural appropriation.”

Lemme explain.

Image result for korean language

For the last couple of weeks, I started to teach myself how to read and write in Korean. I decided that after being frustrated in waiting for English subtitles to be written and released for my favorite girl group variety shows and competition shows, I wanted to see if I could at least understand the characters, Hangul, that is used in Korean. So, I downloaded Duolingo (#notsponsored) and started to learn the Korean Alphabet. As of this moment of me writing this, I’ve learned the consonants, vowels, and native Korean numbers pretty well and currently learning some essential words and sentence structure, which is quite hard to learn on your own, in my opinion. 

As happy as I am learning a new skill and keeping my mind productive and busy, I do sometimes feel as if I’m engaging in cultural appropriation. Am I learning this new language for the right reasons? Am I now this “koreaboo”? Why am I so embarrassed to share the fact to my family and friends that I’m learning Korean?” It’s this weird, complex situation where I’m interested in learning the language due to my interests, but ultimately sticking by it to build a new skill and gain a new hobby to keep my mind productive and out of the places where my anxiety could heighten. But, I do understand what the self-judgment is coming from.

You see, in this Quora forum, the question exists, and many of the people in the forum talk about how ridiculous it is for people to possibly think that learning a new language (which in NYC is mandatory to take a language class in both high school and college), is now considered to be a form of cultural appropriation. The top answer to on this forum comes from a linguist actually, and he does an amazing job explaining how in certain cases, it could be seen as cultural appropriation.

He explains that in certain scenarios, learning a language can be seen as cultural appropriation. For example, a classroom full of anime lovers learning Japanese could be seen as cultural appropriation because the only thing they really know about the Japanese culture is its anime. Another example is learning an endangered language (one that is becoming extinct, like Hawaiian) just to “save” the language from dying out. Another interesting example (which I didn’t even consider) is learning a language for job-related purposes, like a translator or interpreter, ultimately taking the place meant for a native Korean speaker. He explains in cases where you are learning more universal languages (i.e. English) and other big languages (typically the ones you learn in high school/college courses) it isn’t considered cultural appropriation.

So, where do I personally stand?

To be quite honest with you, I think I’ll always believe I’m in the unfamiliar gray area of the scenario. While my interest in Kpop and Korean shows influenced me into specifically learning Korean, I’m also in no ways trying to appear more Korean or pass as being Korean, nor am I practicing their ideas, beliefs, or think their culture is superior to every other culture. As for the definition of cultural appropriation, it’s “the unacknowledged or inappropriate adoption of the customs, practices, ideas, etc. of one people or society by members of another and typically more dominant people or society.”

I just simply want to learn the language and find the process to be really good for my mental health. That is all.

So, is learning a new language considered cultural appropriation? It’s crazy to think that in certain scenarios, it could be. To believe that wanting to learn a new language for the sake of learning a new language is now a part of the spectrum of cultural appropriation really does baffle me. Are we all really engaging in it in our language classes all these years?

What do you guys think?

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Topic Tuesdays: Raw & Personal

SAD: One Year Later.

liz

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz.

It’s crazy to believe that we are already in month six of 2019, and about to start the summer season in a couple of weeks. It just comes to show just how fast time goes, and the same is true reflecting back on this time last year.

On June 6th, 2018, I was officially diagnosed with social anxiety disorder.

Social anxiety is probably one of the biggest disorders people have nowadays for many different reasons. While social anxiety can be “cured”, there are some cases where it can’t be; it’s chronic. My social anxiety is chronic.

I wasn’t surprised when I first got the diagnosis; a part of me always knew that I had some form of social anxiety, and as the years went on, it just got worse. To finally get the diagnosis didn’t really change how I felt, it just made a lot of things more clear – especially the things I was confused about.

It doesn’t mean that life got easier.

To be quite honest, the diagnosis made things a lot worse for me because it was hard for me to adjust to the fact that this wasn’t just “anxiety everyone deals with”, I experience anxiety on a clinical level, and adjusting to that while trying to explain to my loved ones what was happening was a difficult transition.

After many confusing nights and days where I felt misunderstood, I started to regret even getting the diagnosis. You got the diagnosis and just ran with it, Liz.

In simpler words, I didn’t know how to live with this new information and accept it for what it was. It took me getting on medication and some intense therapy sessions to finally realize and ultimately tell myself that I am not my anxiety, I just have it, and it’s going to take a long time to adjust being more aware of my own unique patterns and behaviors regarding my anxiety.

A year later, and I’m definitely doing a lot better, and I really have to thank the process of going to therapy and taking my medication. I say this, in all honesty: yeah, I’m going to have my episodes where I don’t want to do anything but lay in bed and escape the stressors of the world, but those days don’t last as long as they used to.

Quick story about the epiphany I had about my progress: Last week in therapy, I explained to my therapist that the day before my partner’s birthday, he had a couple of family and friends come over to ring in his birthday with him at midnight and although being in a social setting like that with a handful of people would normally be overwhelming for me, that night my anxiety didn’t even cross my mind. Talking about it made it more real for me, and before even speaking about it it didn’t register as progress, but I left her office feeling so proud of myself for being able to socially interact with other people without feeling any sort of anxiety. It’s definitely moments like that where I feel like I made the right decision to seek therapy a year ago.

Of course, I am far from the end. My mental health journey does not end once I conquer just one aspect of my anxiety. I’m still a working progress, and I hope that with the months to come in 2019 that I am able to conquer those other aspects, and truly see the growth from now, until then.

Of course, my experience with therapy isn’t the ideal experience for therapy; it’s uniquely my own. Not everyone is going to have a positive outlook on therapy and maybe therapy isn’t in the plan of their own healing. I still do believe, though, that everyone who is going through a hardship in their life that they can’t get through on their own should at least try therapy to see how it feels for them. Some will be successful, and others may not. It’s about how the process works for every single individual.

Personally speaking, it’s been some of the hardest work I’ve done, yet some of the greatest work I’ve done in my life.

I really do have to thank my sibling, Megan, for continuously telling me I should seek out therapy for the issues I was having late 2017 into 2018 due to grad school. Of course, I wish I took their advice earlier when I was actually in grad school, but things happen for a reason, and I believe I had to go through what I went through in grad school to get where I’m at now.

I also want to thank my therapist, Cathy, or getting to know me as a person and telling me without a doubt the truth to the situations and behaviors I was experiencing. She taught me a lot on how to fight my inner demons and I’ve told her some of my darkest trauma secrets, yet she is still there to help me get through them along the way. Although she is now on maternity leave for the season, I really cannot wait to show (and tell her) the progress I’ve made since she’s been away.

I also wanted to thank my temporary therapist, for the time being, Andrea, for taking the time to get to know me and try to pick up where I last left off. Although it took some time to get comfortable with her and allow her into my “world”, as I say, she’s has been a major help and always keeps the atmosphere lively and energetic. I’m definitely in the right hands until I return back to my regular therapist.

And the support I’ve gotten from my family and my partner: it means the world to me that I have people in my life willing to understand my SAD, depression, and not judge me for it. I appreciate the efforts that you guys go through to understanding and support.

So, with that being said, here’s to going on year two of bettering myself and my mental health.

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