Blogust 2019: The Series, Creative Pieces

Day 21: “What Do You Have to Hide, Grace?”: A Scene.

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It’s a rainy evening at Grace’s residence in NYC. The light is dim in her living room; she’s sitting under the floor lamp, looking at the files of the law case. She doesn’t know what to do anymore; she seems like she can’t win the case. She’s frustrated: her partner, Max, is a liability to the case, and she can’t afford to lose this case because of someone that entered her life just a couple of months ago.

She closes the case file to open the one underneath it: it is labeled, “Maxwell Harper, Carter Law Firm” 

Grace: *flipping through the file* What do you have to hide, Harper?

She flips through the papers until one catches her eye. She stares at it intently:

LAWRENCE MAYBERRY BUYS OUT LAST OF STOCK, DETHRONING THE HARPER FAMILY EMPIRE

She’s reading the newspaper article until the knock on the door frightens her. She closes the file and looks towards her front door. 

Max: *from outside of the door* Grace, open the door! I know you’re in there!

Grace gets up from her chair and slowly walks towards the door; she doesn’t want Max to hear her footsteps. Max keeps banging on the door.

Max: The lady at the front desk said you were in your apartment, so I know you’re in there!

Grace rolls her eyes at the comment; only he would ask the front desk if someone was in their apartment. Lawyer shit. Grace gives up and walks to the front door, unlocks it, and opens it. 

Max: Hey, about time.

Grace looks at Max; his olive skin is wet from the rain, his curly brown hair looks even curlier now that it’s drenched in rainwater and my god, the thinness of his now soaked button-down shirt is revealing some of the hardest abs she’s ever seen in her life. Get it together, Grace!

Grace: What do you want, Harper? Couldn’t this wait until tomorrow?

Max: Ouch, we’re back on a last-name basis? I thought we were buddies!

Grace doesn’t laugh, nor smile.

Grace: What is it, Max?

Max analyzes Grace’s body language: it’s tense. Uncomfortable. Foreign. It feels like he’s just meeting her all over again. Something isn’t right. They had a connection, they both felt that. Shit, they practically made love in this very spot that one special night after the company’s gala. What suddenly happened? Is she on to him? Does she know what he knows?

Max: I just wanted to discuss some things about the case before the trial this week. The file wasn’t on our desk, so I assumed you had it. *looks at the file on the table next to the floor lamp* Is this it?

He walks to the chair and Grace ultimately blocks his way.

Grace: Don’t just be touching things in my apartment, Max.

Max: It wouldn’t be the first time I touched something in this apartment.

They look at each other. Damn that spark. Max reaches his hand over Grace to get the file, but she’s quick.

Grace: Again, don’t touch things in my apartment.

The playful staredown was now more intense. They are both good at what they do, yet they both can’t read what’s going on in each other’s faces.

Max: What do you have to hide, Grace?

Grace: Nothing. Why are you so eager for the case file, Max?

Max: Not eager, just determined to get some facts straight.

Grace: Is that right?

Max: It is a part of the job. Are you willing to get some facts straight, Ashmore?

Grace: Ouch, last-name basis. I thought we’re supposed to be on the same team, Harper. 

Max: Aren’t we?

Grace is now confused; for a man that’s hiding one of the biggest secrets from his partner, he’s sure confident about something. 

Max: Listen, Grace, I wanted to come down here to talk about his case with you. You’ve been avoiding my messages, my calls, shit, even my eye contact at the job. What’s going on?

Grace: You seem so eager to put this case to rest, Max. What’s the rush? You have some sort of vendetta against the Mayberry’s?

Max: *confused* What are you talking about?

Grace: Don’t play stupid with me, Max. You know what I’m talking about.

Max: *sighs and puts his hands on his hips* Grace, I’m a defense lawyer, not a psychic. I don’t know what the hell are you insinuating.

Out of frustration, Grace turns around and reveals the file on Max. She slams it on the coffee table. 

Grace: How could you jeopardize the company like this, Max?

Max: *looks down at the file* What are you doing with my file?

Grace: I knew something wasn’t right with you.

Max: *dumbfounded* I could say the same thing! What the hell were you doing with my personal file? Were you-

Grace: I know everything, Max! I know why you’ve been so damn aggressive in this case, why you wanted the lead on this case since the beginning! This was personal to you! The Mayberry’s are the reason why your family got bankrupt, why your father killed himself-

Max: *furious* Grace-

Grace: Who would’ve thought that Maxwell Harper, the suppose sole heir to the empire your family had, would be working with his number one enemy on a fraud case. You never wanted to win this case! You wanted to out Mayberry in prison! You are a damn liability to the prosecutor’s case! You want the facts so you could help them out get a case against Mayberry!

Grace is standing at one side of the coffee table, and Max is standing at the other. The room is silent; all you hear is the rain from outside. Max looks at Grace with dark eyes; he’s not the Max Harper Grace grown to know, and to some degree: love.

Max: Do you get off on ruining the relationships in your life, Grace?

Grace is taken back on the question, she doesn’t know what to say.

Max: Do you just find ways to ruin good things in your life because you never had any good things in it? I know the type of person you are, Grace. You’re the workaholic type, the one that fills the void of affection and love with your work, so you don’t have to think about the lovely nights you spend in this apartment, by yourself. You want to be on top when it comes to your work, right? You know that’s the only thing you’re good at because everything else in life you failed at.

Grace: Get. Out.

Max: *continues* One of your parents weren’t in your life growing up, huh? Knowing by your tough demeanor and willingness to survive in a male-dominant world, you probably lived with your dad growing up. FBI Agent Ashmore, right? Is that how you got the information about the prosecutor’s “liable” witness so fast? You asked for daddy’s help?

Grace walks towards Max and attempts to push him towards the front door.

Grace: Get out of my apartment, now!

Max: If you weren’t so headstrong on believing your damn assumptions, you would’ve done some more digging on me since you are so belligerent on your damn beliefs! Yeah, I am the son of Prescott Harper, the heir of the multi-million dollar empire. Yeah, Lawrence Mayberry bought out my father, yes, but he didn’t cause my family to go bankrupt. My father and his bloody gambling addition did. My father was too much of a coward to see what he has caused to his family and he offed himself when I was 11 years old. My mother, traumatized for life, now spends her days in the psychiatric ward for her mental illnesses. I was determined to make my life and my successes my own, not through other people who would turn on you once you got successful. I did this on my own; I’m where I’m at because I did it without anyone’s bloody help! So for you to make such a crazy story about me and my motives really fucking blows because I was really falling for you, Grace.

Grace just stands there; she stops fighting him out of the apartment. She doesn’t say anything because she knows she just made one of the biggest mistakes of her life. She let someone amazing out of her life because of her stupid assumptions. Maybe she does ruin relationships because she’s too afraid to keep them. Maybe she’s too afraid to fuck things up, so she does it to get it over with. But, Max was different; he always was.

Max turns around and turns the knob on the door.

Grace: Max, I-

Max: I didn’t look up your file to know those things about you, Grace. Maybe if you read my entire file, you’d know I got my degree in Psychology as well, to better understand my mother’s pain.

Max opens the door and walks out. Grace just stands there, looking at the door. 

 

— The End — 

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Blogust 2019: The Series, Voiceless Rant: The Series

A Voiceless Rant: August 2019 Edition.

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Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

It feels like it’s been an eternity since once of these posts were written and published on the blog. I mention this on almost every post, but these are some of my favorite things to write because it’s just a whole bunch of thoughts typed under one big post. Yes, here is this month’s installment of:

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Have you ever been so determined to change something in your life while you were depressed? Isn’t that uncommon for people with clinical depression to feel?

This month alone, I’ve done a lot of thinking about my future and how much I am ready to get my life started. I’m looking forward to (hopefully) get hired for a job, I’m looking forward to having my own money and to do whatever the hell I want with it, and I’m looking forward to making some life-changing decisions towards my life. I say this almost every year, but I am more determined than ever to actually stop saying it and start doing it.

I want to feel like a 25-year-old woman. I want to buy things, I want to pamper myself, I want to save for a vacation out of the state or country, man I want like 2 different tattoos! I just want to feel like I can talk my shit and back it up too, but most importantly, I want a productive routine. I want to get up outta bed, put on some clothes, and work towards something like I did in grad school. I want to feel that excitement of coming home after a long day to relax and watch the new episodes on Game Grumps each night. I just want to feel like I’m working towards something, and sometimes I feel like the work I’m doing now is just not doing it for me anymore. It’s sorta like I want to read on to the next chapter of my life.

Lemme explain.

I am coming to a place with my mental health that now feels like the perfect opportunity to take risks and do the things I was terrified to do before. Applying for jobs that didn’t fit my comfort zone was out of the question, doing anything that required socialization was scary, and becoming one with myself and my mental health was hard to grasp when I first started seeking help. Now that I’m in a place where I’m now more accepting of it and on most days doesn’t hinder me, I am ready to focus my energy on other things I may have issues with.

For starters, I’ve stopped keeping up my haircuts for my pixie cut a couple of weeks ago; I decided I’m now ready to start growing it out. Don’t get me wrong, the pixie hair has helped me gain confidence in myself I never knew existed, but I do miss my hair and my iconic ponytail. Y’know which one:

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The iconic ponytail: Early 2017

Although I have a long way to go to get back to where I was, I’m also trying to grow out my hair without dyeing it. Yep, it will be almost… uh, how long? I think 15 years since I last had virgin hair. I’m just ready for a fresh new canvas and possibly get some of my natural curls back in the process! My hair goal right now is to get my “Kpop boy band” look back, which shouldn’t take that long actually. By the time the Fall comes around, my hair should be around that long.

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The Kpop Boy Band Hair: Late 2018

Also, regarding physical appearance, I have also made it a mission to get healthy. Lemme clarify that: healthy to be healthy, not healthy to become skinny. As I’ve been accepting my body for who she is, I still do find myself struggling with things that are linked to my weight, and I know if I just change some old habits and commit to a new lifestyle change, I would feel even better if 20 pounds were off my body. Of course, I have a lot more than 20 pounds to lose, and my last resort will be surgery. I’m just way too young to be at the weight that I am, and I’m also way too young to be a borderline diabetic. It’s not good for the longevity of my health, and I think I’m finally ready to take my physical health just as seriously as I am with my mental health. They are both important!

There’s nothing wrong with feeling like you need to begin some new things in your life; it means that you’re ready for some changes! Maybe it’s a sign that you’re changing as well, and sometimes those old habits that you were keeping are just not cut out for you anymore. It’s okay to feel that way, to want more out of life. I’m ready to come into 2020 next year employed, a little healthier than before, with some beautiful healthy locks, and feel like I’m in a good place. As I realize I’m not getting any younger (people in their 30’s and 40’s are cringing reading that) I realize that I’m trying to live my twenties the best way I possibly could. Like, I want to enter my 30’s as put together as Ro for God’s sake. (If you’re reading this: Love you, Ro!) With that, comes some learning, some patience, and some growing.

Here’s to the ‘ber months working towards a better me, and hoping for some damn new tattoos on my body. 

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Blogust 2019: The Series

Day 19: Either Support Me & My Long Process Or Don’t Support Me At All.

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Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

When this publishes on the blog, I’ll actually be training for my new job! Let’s hope that future Liz is enjoying herself, getting to know this unfamiliar realm of life, finally feeling accomplished about working towards something!

Speaking working towards something, I need to go on a rant.

This has been bothering me for quite some time ever since I graduated grad school actually, and as time passes and the process prolongs, I’m becoming more and more impatient with people’s expectations for me and what I’m doing with it at the moment.

I’m simply going to start saying this from now on: you’re either going to support me through the long process or don’t support me at all.

Lemme explain.

Continue reading “Day 19: Either Support Me & My Long Process Or Don’t Support Me At All.”

Blogust 2019: The Series

SAS: What Loss Taught Me About Life. (8/18/19)

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Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz.

Today is a weird thing to think about. Today reminds me of a summer that I wish I never had, and a day I wish I didn’t have to go through so soon in my life. My grandfather’s memorial service was on this day last year.

It’s one of those memories that will live on in my head for years to come. I still remember every single detail of that day: the laughs with family, the tears with them, the reunion of sisters after years passed, and just a moment in time where we got to celebrate my grandfather’s life.

Last summer, my grandfather got diagnosed with lung cancer, and we were told that he had only a couple of weeks left to live. It was devastating; we were all losing a family member that in a way kept us together. I now see just how much he was the glue to our family, ironically enough. He was my grandmother’s second husband, after her first one, my mom’s father, passed away in 1997. I was only three. 

It was one of the most difficult deaths in my family that I had experienced, and to this day it’s extremely hard to reflect and think back, especially when I’m at family gatherings. There’s always a missing piece of the puzzle; there is always one empty chair missing at the dining room table at my aunt’s house. There is barely any laughter anymore because my grandfather was the storyteller, comedian, the glue. 

For it is one of the more major deaths in my family that I have experienced, it truly taught me a lesson about life. When someone older dies, you are reminded that everything and everyone is getting older. I’m not that little girl that I once was, my mother isn’t as young as she was, and my grandparents, well, I lost 2 within 5 years of each other and know that the pain will only happen again later in life as well.

It’s taught me important lessons about family and just how important they are. For 6 years of your life as a teenager, you don’t really appreciate the family you have; you just see them as annoying people who don’t allow you to do anything. Those years wasted on not truly appreciating your family just comes right around to bite you in the ass when you’re in your 20’s when you mature and realize that these humans are valuable figures in your life. I may not be speaking for every 20-something-year-old on this planet, but for me – this is how my journey was.

I try my hardest not to waste my days away being too sad or anxious or angry at the world, and yeah, sometimes it doesn’t work – you stay pressed for God knows how long. But, never forget that the time you have is never granted, and each day should be reflective to some certain degree. What can you do better? How can I improve these flaws of mine? How can I reflect on my life and take what I know now and apply it for tomorrow?

We are getting older, don’t let time get to you.

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Blogust 2019: The Series, Creative Pieces

Day 16: Stories I’m Working On! (Part III)

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Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

If there’s one thing I like my mind to be occupied on, it’s the different varieties of stories I have played out in my head that influence me to write some scenes and dialogues and sometimes post them on here! Being creative in this matter helps me distract my mind from reality in all honesty, and it just allows me to focus on something that isn’t so harsh to my mental health.

But, with that being said, here are some stories I’ve been working on:

1.) The Secret Affair of Two Defense Lawyers

This storyline was inspired by a visual novel on Episode entitled Toothbrush by Lucky, and I recommend anyone that likes to read visual novels to download the app and read this story first! Anyway, the main character that is used in this AI of this story is a woman that goes by Grace. She is the daughter of these two fun-loving characters and after getting her degree in law, she is now one of NYC’s top-dog lawyers. She works for a prestigious law firm that handles some of the biggest cases in the city, and when she gets on board to defend a rich family for identity fraud, she discovers her partner to be quite a handsome man, if I say so myself. His name is Maxwell, Max for short. He was born overseas to a predominantly poor family; scholarships and hard work got him to the place he is now. He’s sort of a goofball, yet he’s serious when it comes to his job and getting the answers he needs to obtain a good case for his clients. At first, Grace wasn’t really happy with the add-on, she works better on her own, as she always had, but her boss insists that “two lawyers are better than one for the Mayberry family”, and so the rest is history. While the two get to know each other and work on this “sketchy” case, things between them get… steamy. But what happens when some evidence of the case gets into the wrong hands? Grace gets his suspicions that Max isn’t who he says he is, and Max thinks the same about his very closed-in partner, Grace. What happens? I’m not sure yet!

Prior to this revamp of Grace’s character, she was following the footsteps of her mother, who became a world-known dancer by the time she was 26. After Grace became a college freshman, I didn’t know what direction I should take her, and for awhile her story ended there. But, I really like Grace as a character because she’s truly a resemblance of her mother, Mollie: a workaholic, passionate, and totally independent that really doesn’t need anyone! But, they are both very vulnerable characters behind closed doors and I really wanted to explore that with Grace after doing so with Mollie for years. This storyline very much reminds me of Holder and Linden’s relationship (minus the romance) in The Killing, and I guess I just always have to go back to the show where my inspiration started. I’m totally going to write a scene about these two for the second half of Blogust!

2.) The Abandoned Movie Theater

If you guys didn’t read the scene between Rosie and Micah earlier this month, I advise you to do so because this synopsis will make a lot more sense! Anyway, Micah Kamalani is the middle child of the Kamalani family. With his older, half-brother following his father footsteps in the music education career path and his younger teenage twin sisters who are a handful on their own, Micah is pretty much forgotten in the family. This causes Micah to act out a little bit; he’ll get in trouble every now and then, he goes things without his parent’s permission (he got his nose pierced and a tattoo both on his 17th birthday), and although his family loves him to death, they slowly lose their grasp on him by the time he turns 20. Micah is in college for music, but he has bigger dreams than just teaching it in school; he wants to play it for thousands of people one day and even produce some hit songs for the biggest names in the music industry. Rosie Delgado, on the other hand, is a 20-year-old girl who is attending college for art. She’s introduced in this short story, but after this story ends, she decides she wants to leave Philidelphia and head up north to NYC. She wants to take her passion and learn more about it so that she can make a life for herself. Of course, coming from nothing isn’t easy when starting your life in a different environment, so she works at the campus bookstore to help pay for the things she needs in order to survive. Micah and Rosie meet, and the beginning of their complicated relationship begins. Micah isn’t a broken soul as much as Rosie is, but he understands where Rosie comes from when she explains to Micah how it’s really her against the world. What Micah doesn’t know is that he got himself involved with a girl that has an even crazier and violent past back in Philidelphia. She’s secretive about something, and Micah is determined to find it out. Hence, he finds her walking into an abandoned movie theater. He confronts Rosie about it, and she admits that this abandoned movie theater is where she lives.

Rosie, in this universe I created for a fiction class back in college, is a runaway teen in Philidelphia and she finds herself wanting a way out of the street kid life, but she is already so deep into it. She has an abusive boyfriend that pimps other girls out, and sometimes that requires Rosie to do the same for money in order for her to survive. The money she does have and lends to her boyfriend goes straight to drugs, which Rosie never wanted a part of and never wanted to try. So, when she finds the opportunity to get herself out of the toxic environment surrounded by her boyfriend and drug-addicted “friends”, she takes it. She anonymous calls the police about a tip in a case they are working on, and the police raids the place and takes everyone in, as well as Rosie. Detective Sam Hudson, the man that got the call about this tip, notices that Rosie is different: she’s not doped-up on drugs like everyone else, she’s not fighting her way out of the interrogation room. Hudson talks to her and then that’s how the short story starts.

I really wanted to add Rosie to the universe that I’m usually busy creating, and decided that Rosie would be a fit into Micah’s life. They are both misfits in their own way, but they both are just troubled young adults wishing someone would pay attention to them, and they truly do confine in each other to be each other’s support system. They both see each other, or do they? Hmmm…

 

That’s pretty much the two main stories that I’m working on currently! Let me know if you’d like me to write some scenes about some of these stories in the future!

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Blogust 2019: The Series

Day 15: Five Albums That Impacted My Life.

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Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

For many of us, music is one of those powerful things that can ultimately impact a person’s life. Whether or not a certain song or album came to your life during the right time or if that song or album is just your most favorite, the music we remember the most has an impact on us. So, I asked myself a question that my Americana Literature professor asked my class 3 years ago in his class: What are five albums that you would take with you on a deserted island? 

Here are my top five picks, ladies and gentlemen.

Continue reading “Day 15: Five Albums That Impacted My Life.”

Blogust 2019: The Series

Day 14: The One Thing I Struggle With The Most.

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Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

We all struggle with something in our lives. I don’t know why but that opening sentence reminded me of a shitty opening universal message statement used in academic essays in college. 

Anyway, I still mean it: we all wish there was a solution to master and conquer that one thing that we struggle within our lives. If it’s keeping friends, being assertive, remembering important times, whatever it may be. Some of them are easily manageable and may only affect a small part of your life, and others are not so lucky. Those struggles require some professional assistance, or what I like to call: therapy. 

Although I keep in mind that therapy isn’t going to solve all of my issues, it does provide a time and place to discuss those issues. As I been to therapy in the past year a lot of the issues I have become less stressful, but there are still some things that no matter how many times I talk about it and try to do the opposite of what I’m doing, I still find myself subconsciously doing it.

The one thing I struggle with the most is the need to seek approval from those around me.

From talking things out and observing them myself for the past year, I’ve realized that it’s been tough for me to be assertive with myself and to be okay with putting myself as a priority. Although I feel like I’ve been doing good with assertiveness, I still feel like all that hard work falls apart when I’m anxious about someone’s approval. In other words, I’m still very afraid to make my own major decisions, and would most likely make them if I feel like they are the right thing to do and if other people approve of them, which yeah, it’s ridiculous, but I just seem to have trouble shaking that thing off.

Maybe it’s the perfectionist in me or just my lack of confidence in myself when making decisions, but whenever I feel like I’m making a bad decision with something, I automatically have to run and tell someone to convince me that I’m making a bad decision, as if my own judgment isn’t enough.

Although I’ve written posts and posts about how you shouldn’t seek approval, it’s still easier said than done. I’m finding different approaches to tackling this issue of mine, and as I sit here writing this, I haven’t found something that helps me stop seeking approval.

Because this is the thing: my anxiety is a bitch, and she tries as hard as possible for me to second-guess everything in my life, and although I make a decision that is best for me at the moment, she doesn’t allow me to be completely okay with my decision until someone reassures me that it’s okay. She doesn’t allow me to be assertive enough to the point where I can respect other people’s wishes, yet still, respect my own.

Will I ever break out of this cycle? Maybe one day, but I think I have to do some more growing up in order to finally feel like I can listen to my own voice without others influencing it.

What’s one thing you find yourself struggling with?

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Blogust 2019: The Series, Topic Tuesdays: Raw & Personal

Day 13: Let’s Talk About Non-Binary Pronouns.

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Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

I’ve might’ve said this about 20 times on the blog already, but we really do live in such a progressive time. A lot of changes (good and bad) are being made, and a lot of our ideologies about things are not simply black and white anymore; instead, they are gray.

A lot of the gray areas that are now being discusses is the concept of gender. It’s always been that at birth, you were born as either a boy or a girl; penis or vagina. Many of us grew up with that ideology and when it was questioned (i.e. being transgender or dressing in drag), many of our younger selves mocked it. I mean, the Maury Show used to have a whole segment on drag queens trying to guess if they are a man or a woman? Don’t lie; your younger self loved that shit. 

But, we grow up and we decide to start thinking for ourselves. We start questioning society roles and society’s rules about everything, and when you join a group that relates to the struggles you may be having as a person, you then finally feel like you belong in a community that is just like you.

I can only imagine how many guys and girls grew up feeling like something was wrong because they didn’t feel like a guy or a girl.

Although I am a cis, straight woman, I do have a non-binary sibling, and it’s been extremely hard to not slip up on their pronouns.

My sibling has been open about their identity for a few years now, and when the process first started to happen, it was really hard to accept just because on the other side, you feel like you are losing someone that you knew your whole life. While I am now more acceptive of the pronouns and become more aware of the non-binary ideology, it’s still a concept that you definitely have to train your brain to learn. Many of us do identify others and their relationships simply by their gender/sex, and when the person tells you it’s otherwise, it feels foreign. But, I know at the end of the day, it’s not about me and how I feel, it’s about what makes them happy and if they feel like they are finally being seen as them, then that’s all that matters about the situation.

It’s easier to catch myself slip up when writing about my sibling and using their proper pronouns, but verbally speaking it’s still a challenge. Yes, “she”, “her’s” and “her” still slip from my mouth when referring to my sibling. Yes, I call them my sister. Little by little I am trying to show my sibling that I am supportive of their identity and that it’s going to take some time for me to get used to their pronouns, but it does not mean that I don’t care or don’t listen if I slip up.

If you are anything like me, a person with a sibling that identifies as non-binary, then please be respectful of your loved ones who identify as such. I could only imagine how difficult it was for them to open up and discuss a concept that many of us are not familiar with and one that many people do not accept. Be gentle, kind, and respectful. Also, don’t treat them any differently! Just because your sister or brother uses the oppositely signed pronouns, it doesn’t mean that their interest and the things that bonded you guys in the first time disappeared.

We, as a society, have to stop thinking that male and female are forms of identity. Maybe they are to some but to others, they don’t mean a thing. No, your reason to not respect your child’s wishes to be called the opposite or non-binary pronoun because “you gave birth to a boy/girl” is not valid. Your feelings as a cis person do not matter in these situations.

If you truly love someone, whether it’s a family member, friend, spouse, whatever they are to you: you would accept them for all that they come. Nothing is truly changing about them, just their unofficial society-written concept of gender.

Love you, Meg. ❤

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Blogust 2019: The Series, Self-Reflection

Day 12: The Ultimate Guide to Friendship, As Told By A Person With SAD.

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Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

My name is Liz, and I have Social Anxiety Disorder; I mention this at least twice a month on my blog, don’t look so surprised. What does that look like you might ask? Well, it started out as a fear of traveling on public transportation, then as a fear of leaving my house, and although I’ve been getting better at managing it, there are some things I don’t think I’ll ever get good at. Yes, that means my mother is still the person in my life making important appointments for me. Yes, I cannot order my own food over the phone. And yes, I still get anxious interacting with people. 

So how does one person with SAD live their lives in a social matter? Well, it’s different for every case.

Some people are more outspoken than others, while some are just extremely afraid of human interaction and feel most comfortable being by themselves. I like to believe I am in the middle: I enjoy my alone time way too much to the point I forget to socialize every once in a while, and when I do, I pretty much become okay with interaction.

My biggest struggle in life, though, is friendships. I don’t have many of them.

You see, my social anxiety has a hard time believing that long-distance friendships can work and that it’s not awkward to keep in touch with people you don’t see on a regular basis. I don’t tend to lose friends because I want to, it happens because not everyone is going to understand how SAD works for you, and that’s fine; you can’t make people understand why it’s hard to keep in touch. Also, my social anxiety tends to make me look like a shitty person because I’m not a consistent person with people. What I mean by that is I could have a whole conversation with you at the moment just because I’m comfortable, but if you catch me at a time where my anxiety is absolutely through the fucking roof, I’ll talk to you like you’re a stranger again. This type of scenario happened a lot during my college and grad school days, simply because semesters come and go and you may not ever see them again… until you guys take another class together again. My point being is that friendships are still the trickiest thing for me to understand.

So, how do you keep friends while having SAD? It also depends on the person who has it.

For me, I don’t have many friends because I just have major trust issues with people and I’m super overprotective with myself around new people who want to become friends with me. I don’t mind being cordial with acquaintances that have the same agenda as me, but when I feel like someone actually wants to be my friend, I shut down and I run away. Maybe that’s due to my trauma, maybe it’s SAD; who knows?

But the friends I keep (aka my partner and college friend that now lives across the damn east coast) must understand how SAD works for me. With that comes communication and agreements, really, that sometimes I’m going to be a shitty friend because of SAD but for the most part, I will be absolutely loyal to you as a friend. I always use my friend, Tori, as an example of someone who gets it; we may not see each other for a while and we may only do some text message check-ins every once in a while, but she knows that keeping in touch is extremely uncomfortable for me at times, and she understands that I order to help me be comfortable, the atmosphere stays the same. In other words, we both grew up since our days in college Acting, but the vibe our friendship has never left. And as with my partner, well, there’s a whole set of other things that play a role when you are involved with someone romantically.

The most important thing I am learning as a person with SAD is that people don’t know that they are truly signing up to become friends with two people instead of one. Anxiety, especially on a clinical level, is really living your life as a Jekyll and Hyde. One of them is truly you, the quirks and smiles and the relatable, likable side that likes to socialize and be around people, but then there’s the other side, her name is Anxietina, that truly wants to keep you all for herself and have control of the body that you both live in. You don’t have to be a person with depression or anxiety to completely understand the duality, but recognize that someone with SAD struggles with this other entity every single day. I know I do.

I may not be the greatest example of a person with a social life that has SAD, but I know there are so many people out there who are the leader of their friend groups and still deal with some levels of social anxiety. As someone with SAD, we always want to be able to be social with other people; what’s the fun of just being by yourself all of the time? We just have a harder time with some areas of life than others, and that’s okay.

So, what is the ultimate guide to friendship, told by a person with SAD?

There is none.

It’s about being able to challenge your anxiety, as well as respect it in order for others to respect it. Not every friend will, and not every time will you be able to challenge your anxiety, but hey – that’s the beauty of learning and growth. 

Also, it’s about remembering to be yourself.

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Blogust 2019: The Series

Day 11: Music to Start Off Your Week!

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Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

Today’s post is going to be short and sweet: I wanted to share some music with you guys! I know it’s been a while since I shared the music I’ve been listening to on the blog, but I always found it a lot easier to share the playlists I’m listening to on here, so here I am – posting my playlists to help you get through the week!

Whether you are a KPop fan or an old-school fan, these playlists will help you guys get up on your feet and get your day started!

Here’s to a new week of opportunities, life, and progress!

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