Author: liz

October 4th, 2018.

It’s way too hot for it to be considered Autumn. I flipped through all of the drawers of my dresser to find something to wear on this already frightening day. It was finally the day I got up in front of my grad students and spoke about my thesis and grad school experience for the majority of the class. No matter how many times I rehearsed it in my head, in the shower, in an empty room of my apartment; I was still fucking nervous. To say the least: I was an anxious mess in the hours prior. I worried if I was validated enough to even do something like this. Will they like me? Will they appreciate hearing my experience? Will they find me a nuisance? Something bad was bound to happen, I kept telling myself in my head, and I hope that it wasn’t true.

I arrived later to the campus than I actually wanted to; that’s how much of a mess I was for most of the day. By the time I got there, the class was about to start in 30 minutes, and I had just a little amount of time before it was finally time to get up there and share my experience, and how I got where I’m at. I smiled and said hi to all of my grad students when they walked into class, trying to distract myself from what was going to happen. My former thesis advisor walked up to me and greeted me, to in which I blabbered out how nervous I was. Of course, she reassured me, telling me I was going to be fine and that ultimately, this is about me and my process. After one class presentation later, it was now my time to do my thing.

Please let me get through this without any hiccups.

I placed my powerpoint slides on the projector and panicked a little when my former thesis advisor left the room to grab some water and start without her. Shit, I’m basically in control now. I looked out into the classroom of grad students looking up at the board, at me, wherever really. I didn’t know how to start this presentation without it being way too awkward, so I just opened it up with some background of where the hell these slides came from and how much of my thesis I’ll be reading from tonight. I even made a joke about how if I were to read my 40-page thesis, we’d be here until next Thursday. Some laughed. Some didn’t. I took a deep breath and began reading what I prepared.

I began the reading feeling okay about it; it was nothing to be worried about besides here and there where I got nervous and stuttered a bit. You got this, Liz. Fuck that speech impediment and do your thing, girl! I looked up here and there to see if the class was into what I was saying because I’m insecure like that, and noticed that there were these friends who were talking among each other, laughing. Immediately, I felt exposed. Not knowing if they were just having a conversation about whatever to themselves or laughing at me for stumbling over easy ass words here and there, I immediately felt myself disappear.

The words looked blurry on the paper. It felt like my heartbeat was in my ears. I couldn’t hear the words coming out of my mouth. My vision was impaired, my body felt sniff, I felt like I was floating, yet I had no control over what I was doing. My body was not mine at that moment, it just felt like a statue.

Liz, you’re dissociating. It’s fine, it’s cool, just fucking focus. Don’t let your anxiety win tonight. Prove yourself wrong.

I took a deep breath. I made it known that I was extremely nervous. For the most part, the class supported me. They said I was doing great. To keep going. So I did.

I don’t know when I began to focus, and I don’t know when I stopped caring if people were listening to me or not, but I remember looking calm. I remember feeling calm. I remember cursing like a sailor because I tend to curse my mind out when I’m nervous and passionate; good thing you can’t tell the difference in person, but most importantly, I remember reminding myself why I’m there in the first place. I wanted to help others out by sharing my story in a sense. I wanted to give others the guidance and advice I didn’t get when I was in their position. I wanted to reassure them that they will make it out with a damn degree like I did. I also wanted to conquer my own fears of public speaking and challenge my anxiety a bit. Standing up there every week for that class is a constant battle I am fighting against my anxiety.

I challenge my anxiety and sometimes anxiety fights back by having me dissociate from time to time.

Standing up there every week, I find myself dissociating. It may not be publicly noticeable (most dissociation isn’t), but I know when I am. I don’t hear the words come out of my mouth, I get sidetracked, I forget what I’m saying mid-sentence & have to pause to remember what the hell I’m talking about, but I eventually get over that feeling. I began to focus and observe the class. I take mental notes on how I’m doing and how the class is doing and I remember why I’m there.

**Dissociation is something you shouldn’t feel ashamed of if you experience it! Just because you dissociate doesn’t mean you now have DID, so please do not confuse the two! DID is a mental disorder, dissociation is a behavior/reaction due to a very nerve-wracking/anxious environment! Of course, not everyone experiences dissociation the same, so please acknowledge that the way I experience it will be/can be completely different than someone else!**

In other words: it happens, especially when you’re challenging yourself in the environments that trigger the most anxiety. The key to overcoming it, in my opinion, is to challenge it back. Don’t let it take over you and defeat your purpose of doing something. Don’t let it discourage you and hating an experience that didn’t actually go as bad as you think! In my experience leading a class that night, I received feedback I didn’t expect and it felt fucking amazing. 

In my self-discovery, I am learning to challenge these parts of myself in order to take back control of my body. Dissociation & anxiety do not own me. Neither should it own you.

 

-Liz. (:

Hey, guys – welcome back to TNTH!

Can you believe Christmas is nine days away? I mean, wasn’t it just Halloween, and now Christmas is around the corner? Before you know it, TNTH will be celebrating its 2nd year being a blog!

Whether you are a writer yourself, or just a person who likes to read other people’s work, I know how scary and hard it could be to start a new project. To be honest with you guys, TNTH was a blog that just… happened. It wasn’t this big planned thing that I was dying to do for years. TNTH honestly just happened one Friday night out of curiosity and here we are, almost two years later.

Other people who start huge create projects similar to a blog or a YouTube channel or whatever will probably tell you a better reason they started theirs; it’s a passion of theirs, they want to kickstart their business, they want to spread their word around the internet, etc. At first, I started TNTH for me. I had just wrapped up my first semester of grad school at the time, and I began to feel like I had no opportunity to write creatively anymore. In order to keep myself and my writing as creative as possible, I started TNTH. The name TNTH, (or Today’s News, Tomorrow’s Headline), came about because it was the name of my Tumblr blog back when Tumblr was at its highest peak. I wanted to use Tumblr as a real blog, but quickly fell into the hole of just reblogging images from other people. So, in creating TNTH on WordPress, I wanted to share all of these things that I never did before: I wanted to give people tips on how I survived college and grad school. I wanted to talk about the type of music that other people might enjoy listening to. I wanted a platform to express my thoughts on issues without writing a novel-length status on Facebook. As I started to see what type of content I enjoyed writing, I started to realize what my purpose of TNTH really was.

I wanted to be the voice for people who were too afraid to use theirs.

As a person who was once afraid to speak up and express myself, I know how beneficial it is to read and see how other people like me got to where they are. I followed many introverts on their journeys to success and wondered just how they got to the place they are in now. It’s inspirational, it’s motivational, and it feels good to know that there are people out there just like me who are able to make their dreams come true, or just live healthier lives. It’s extremely difficult to break out of patterns you are so used to; you even start to feel if not speaking out is just a part of your personality. But, everyone deserves to be heard. Everyone deserves a chance to express who they are as people and the things that make up their being. It’s so interesting to hear other people’s and their stories; everyone has one to tell. So, I made it my mission to use TNTH as a place to place help people realize that their voices matter and that it’s their strongest and loudest instrument. It definitely became an even stronger mission when I began to struggle with my mental health late last year/this year.

So, I wish my origin story was an interesting one. I wish it was something as storytelling as some famous YouTubers in why they started their channels all those years ago. But, my story and my mission was always simple: I just want to keep my voice going, while showing people that you could have your voice heard.

So, here’s to almost two years of TNTH! Thank you guys so much for being a part of my journey, and for continuing to come back and support TNTH. If you are thinking about starting a new big project, I say go for it. Now is the right time to do something that you’re passionate about. Do it because you can at least say that you tried it out. Do it because you want to!

Just friggin’ do it already. You never know what could happen.

 

-Liz. (:

Hey, guys – welcome back to TNTH.

One of these days, I really should thank my therapist for helping me come up with ideas for Self-Appreciation Saturdays; a lot of what we discuss are easily SAS posts within themselves. I say that because, in the recent months, we’ve both noticed a pattern of behavior that could possibly link most of my anxiety together: I’m a person that seeks approval from others.

And she’s not wrong. I know for a fact my anxiety flares up the most when I feel like I’ve disappointed another person for if I’m doing something that a loved one may not approve of, and I constantly worry about bring issues up because I don’t want to upset people in the making. It’s weird though: I find myself doing these things because they just are so natural to me when in reality, there are the same reasons why defending myself and making big decisions in my life are so hard for me to do, but that’s a different story for a different day.

What I’m trying to point out is that seeking approval from others isn’t such a foreign thing to do; many of us do that. Seeking approval from others typically stem from places of self-doubt, insecurities, and low self-esteem. It stems from a lack of self-confidence. Normally, seeking out advice is not a bad thing to do preferably for some guidance through something, seeking approval is pretty much saying that these other people have your life in their hands. You don’t allow yourself to make risky decisions and learn from them yourself. It restricts you from your freedom. 

By seeking approval, you’re losing such important parts of yourself that ultimately make you, you. You’re left living your life like a Sim character, to say the least. Your decisions are influenced by those around you, you’re left constantly telling yourself that you don’t mean shit unless someone tells you that you are validated. Your self-worth is left in the hands of other people, and I’m slowly learning that no matter how much it feels good to have other people see worth in you (I mean, doesn’t that say that to the universe that you’re a good person?), if you don’t feel that and know it for yourself, you will forever be seeking that validation of self-worth. RuPaul said it best: if you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love someone else?

As a person who is actively trying to make decisions and seek validation for myself and to myself, I understand how hard it could be to break out of that toxic cycle. I know how hard it could be to not be so afraid of what other people may think or say regarding this big decision or anything regarding yourself in that matter. I know how frustrating it could be to have this desire to stop seeking approval or to had built up this courage of thinking and doing things for yourself and then ultimately regret it because you’re back to seeking that same approval from others. It’s not an easy thing to do, so please give yourself some time, patience, and persistence to achieve something to this degree. Doing this goes completely against who you are as a person and what you learned as a human being. But please, let’s stop seeking approval and start just doing because it’s our life and our decision to make.

Let your journey of self-discovery begin, guys.

 

-Liz. (:

Hey, guys – welcome back to TNTH!

First and foremost, I will like to welcome you guys back and I apologize for being gone for so long! A lot has happened since then, to say the least. Not only have I found some light at the end of my own personal dark tunnels, but I also learned a lot of life lessons that I hope to carry on throughout the rest of my journey, and even more so the rest of my life.

To start things off, we have to go back and explain where I’ve been. A little over a month ago, I was in a really dark place. I was diagnosed with major depression, which was something that I wasn’t shocked at. I was crying every single day, I felt like I was sad more than happy during my days, and I felt hopeless and without purpose. This time last month, I was suicidal, and it was the first time that I had a plan to execute if I were to ever get deep enough to do it. That scared me. It scared me because I felt like I was on constant survival mode, it’s like I had to protect my life from myself if that makes sense. When word came out about these suicidal thoughts to my therapist and psychiatrist, it was a lot to handle, to say the least. It was hard to explain what I was feeling in those low moments. It was hard to explain why and what was causing these thoughts to get to this place. Mostly, it was uncomfortable to hear myself voice out why I was suicidal in the first place. From that moment, I knew I had to take some time to get my life back together. It was about time I took care of myself. Along the way, I made rash decisions for a quick fix. I’m glad I was able to reverse those rash decisions now that I have a clearer mind. But the process was necessary. The process of literally sitting in my room, alone, allowed me to see that nothing and no one was going to help me out of this funk and that I needed to do this for myself in the long run.

So, in my time off, I tried to get out as much as possible. I tried to challenge my anxious thoughts and do as much as I could fit into my schedule. I went and finished my TAship this past week, I spoke at a thesis panel for another graduate class, and I spoke about my anxiety in front of an audience for the first time at an old friend & fellow writer, SparklyWarTanks, event. The more I was able to get myself out of the house and kept busy, the more I was able to focus on other things, and have things to look forward to. Slowly, I am learning that remaining productive is what keeps me going, and it keeps me focused on the task at hand. I finally feel like I’m going towards the right direction toward things, and I finally feel like I’m gaining the confidence and assertiveness I’ve been keeping in mind throughout my whole mental health journey. Of course, I am far from where I would like to be, but at least I know I’m working to get there.

As for where I’m going: I’m not sure yet. 

Of course, I am taking every day one day at a time, and for a person like me it’s scary to not have a plan in order for my future, but things happen for a reason. Perhaps the path and journey I am on will lead me to bigger and better things in the future. Maybe something unexpected will come my way, maybe the work I am doing now will pay off in the future. Whatever life has in store for me, I know it was meant for me to witness, learn, and grow from the experience. The holiday season is in full swing, the new year is just weeks away, and my birthday is next month! Also, I am currently spending the weekend with an old college friend that I haven’t seen in over a year, so I’m excited to see what the future holds!

As for anyone who may be going through their own dark place currently, it will get better. You will get through whatever you may be personally going through. You are strong, you are worth it, and your life is worth living. Don’t ever stop fighting, you are worth the fight.

Here’s to 12 days of TNTHmas, and the countdown of a new year!

Happy Holidays!

-Liz. (:

Hey, girl. It’s about time we had a good long talk.

First and foremost, I wanted to say thank you for teaching me a lot about life this past year. You taught me that in certain situations, there is more than meets the eye. You taught me to not be so naive to the evils in life, and that sometimes you come around because there are legitimate times where I need to protect my heart, soul, and mind from those said evils. You’ve witnessed evils enter my life in the past, and I know you’re around to help me figure out what’s real in things, and what’s there just to watch me fall.

You taught me diligence. You showed me that the things that matter in life deserve a second glance at, that you exist solely for me to be careful with the things that hold great value to me. You exist because a deeper part of me is trying to tell my body that I can do better, be better, and grow without losing the things that make me, me.

You taught me patience. You proved to me time and time again you’re a force to be wrecking with, and that this time, you were not going away unnoticed and unheard. I heard you that one night when I wandered in my neighborhood five days before Christmas wondering how my life got this fucking shitty in a matter of months. I heard you crying out the night I cried out while writing a thesis draft, working on a group presentation, and writing a short paper all due on the same day. I heard you screaming that one night where I couldn’t breathe and couldn’t put in words to my partner what was happening to me. I heard you, and I’m patient with you. You showed me that my coping mechanisms weren’t going to work this time; I was not a teenager anymore that had most of her life planned out by her family. I’m a twenty-four-year-old woman with no one holding my hand anymore because I’m the one holding it.

You taught me acceptance. You made it known that you exist, and all you wanted for me to do was accept you for what you are; that you are a hot mess living in the gray areas of life, not ever having a definite answer about what’s the right or wrong way to things. That you are sadness and self-judgment and low self-esteem that built itself from middle-school bullies, misunderstandings, failed relationships, emotional abuse, weight-gain and unhealthy solutions to these issues. You are fear of never being good enough, you are a comfort zone, you are a villain. But you are also a part of me that will never completely vanish; yeah you may become less malicious, but you are a part of me as I’m a part of you. Because of that, I accept you for your flaws, and I’m not ashamed to speak about you for my own well-being.

Lastly, you taught me self-awareness. You taught me that there are parts that are dark, sad, fearful, and worried; the opposite of what I try to portray to everyone else. You made me aware of my human-ness again, that I’m allowed to be sad and have bad days. I’m allowed to cry. I’m allowed to be cautious. I’m allowed to be afraid and scared. I’m allowed to go through the spectrum of emotions that make me human, and that these demons that reside in me have been living in me for far too long. You showed me that I’m going through a transition in life that was not meant to be easy, but to get through it, I needed to be honest with my complete self, which meant that my toxic and bad traits needed to be aware of. 

While I am thankful for you teaching me these things, I’ve noticed you overstayed your welcome. You’ve started to take over parts of me that are damaging to my body and my outside world. You seem to be making me hate myself more often. You seem to be encouraging behavior in me that I will not tolerate.

With that being said, I am picking up where you left off, and healing in a way that benefits me. 

Every day, I am finding new ways to take care of me and this body, all in while trying to live my life as a young adult. I am finding ways to manage your erratic outbursts, I am trying to not let you make me believe that I’m in this alone and that I don’t deserve anyone, ever. I am worthy of good things, I am worthy of laughter, I am worthy of happiness without the constant wonder of its authenticity. As I’m taking the necessary steps forward to grow, prosper, accept, and to honestly just live, I am also learning how to overcome you.

Thank you for teaching me all these things that make up my being, but it’s time for me to use them on my own.

It’s my turn.

Hey, guys – welcome back to TNTH!

With November just making its entrance, you all must’ve heard to get up off your asses and vote in this year’s election! Although the Presidental election isn’t for another 2 years, it is extremely important to not make the same mistake we made during the last presidential election in 2016. So please, go and register to vote!

I say this because, in every aspect of your life, your voice matters. You are allowed to be heard. You have the right to express yourself and use your voice hopefully for good. Spread awareness about the things that matter the most, like expressing outrage of the Trump Administration trying to erase the identities of transgender people currently happening and how he wants to abolish the 14th Amendment by ending birthright citizenship. Express yourself on issues such as discrimination and injustice, women’s rights, mental health; pretty much everything that matters right now in the world.

I will be the first to admit that I take my voice for granted. I sometimes feel like my voice is just one little squeaky thing in a room full of louder, better people. Sometimes, I fail to realize that all voices are voices, period. They express, they discuss, they have something to say, and taking it for granted isn’t right. We live in such a progressive time where changing the status quo and changing the type of voices being spoken for us need to change.

Using your voice is more than just speaking out. It’s writing your truth for awareness. It’s getting up from your house and taking a stance at a voting booth and vote for change in our democracy. It’s standing up for a person who is forced to be silent. Using your voice is about being outspoken in so many different areas, and truly not giving a fuck what anyone thinks or says about you.

I speak because I was told my anxiety and my mental health didn’t matter at one point. I speak because I was mentally abused. I speak because I have people in my life who I love that are being targeted by either having them killed or having their identities erased as if they aren’t real fucking human beings. I speak because I am tired of being afraid to speak when I know that my voice matters.

Many of us are tired of being silenced in one aspect of our lives, and it’s slowly changing.

-Liz. (:

Hey, guys – welcome back to TNTH!

It’s been a hot minute since we’ve spoken about music on this blog! In all honesty, there just hasn’t been a lot of great music out for a while, but boy did October come through with some goodies!

Like old times, I’ll be talking about some of my favorites, and my own personal Spotify playlist will be linked at the bottom!

Without further ado, let’s begin!

Continue reading “October 2018 Music Favorites! 🎃” →

Hey, guys – welcome back to TNTH.

Raise your hand if this week was an extremely stressful and long one for you. I’m raising both of my hands if that helps explain the week I had. It’s okay to have those types of weeks; you are only human, remember? We feel a wide range of emotions on the daily, and that includes all the negative ones that contribute to our bad days, our bad weeks, and even our bad months.

Healing isn’t a product, nor will it ever feel like we’ve been completely healed. Healing is a long, exhausting, and tedious process, and even then we aren’t that sure how long we’ll be okay for.

I’ve come to this realization when I finally thought that I had my life figured out and controlled just a little over a month ago. I was managing my anxiety pretty well, I was leaving my house more often and being sociable, and I felt like my self-image was getting better by the days. Then suddenly, that switch went off.

To keep some of these things private as I deal with them in real time, I will not be getting into extreme details of what’s been going on with me. I am currently trying to deal with it, and I would like for only the people I already told what’s been happening to be the only people who know. But to summarize it all: my healing process took a wrong turn.

What I’ve learned about healing and its process is that it’s an extremely difficult one. It’s a series of ups and downs and uncertainty that will never have an answer. You can never be completely healed; you may heal from past experiences or dilemmas that bothered you, but who’s to say when a new situation comes about, you won’t be affected by it? I guess my point is that healing is never a product. It’s not a thing that you’ve mastered in life. It’s always going to be a process, and that process is different for everybody, every scenario, and every stage/phase in your life.

For those who are reading this and are in a similar state of mind, be gentle with yourself and take care of yourself in any way possible. I know personally how lonely it could be being in such a process where you think others don’t understand you or you think others are judging you; there’s a chance there is someone in your life who will listen and comfort you because they care about your well being. Sometimes, it’s the negative thoughts that are stopping you, not your fears of speaking out. I am not speaking as a survivor of this “stage in life”, I am speaking as a person currently going through it and trying to get better as well. It’s hard, it’s sacrificial, and it makes you focus and see things that you repressed in your memory and soul for months, even years on end. But the best things in life aren’t easy to get, and your process and journey of healing are worth going through to become a better version of you.

 

-Liz. (:

I learned something new about myself last week in therapy.

I had been nervous and anxious about going to my session this particular week. I really only get this way when I try to bring up something that I’m ashamed of, or that I’m already secretly judging myself for doing. See, if there was one thing that I’ve learned being in therapy for the past 5 and a half months, it’s that it’s better if I’m being completely honest to myself, about myself, and with myself. I have to remind myself on these days that therapy isn’t a place of judgment, it’s a safe space to talk out these thoughts without feeling like I’m the stupidest person in the world.

In this particular session, I told my therapist about some behavior I found myself doing during certain moments of my day; many of them were when I felt a lack of control of my own life and the situations surrounding it that may not be in my control. I was glad she didn’t stare at me like I had 15 heads but bringing this certain thing up (which I will like to keep private for now) caused me having to bring up other things that I honestly haven’t thought about in a while.

It’s no stranger that I had a very dark past a couple of years ago. I share that part of my life to not just help other people overcome similar struggles, but for me to overcome it myself. A lot of the issues I carry on in my everyday life stem from various places within that time: I avoid confrontation like the goddamn plague, I am afraid of being assertive, and I easily dissociate whenever things get bad between me and people in general. While it’s not hard for me to talk about that part of my life because I took responsibility in playing bad parts of it, I still find it hard to forgive myself for my actions to this very day. It’s painful to reflect and it’s extremely hard not to be full of regret. Half of that reason was that I’m just naturally extremely hard on myself, the other half is because I never got proper closure, and probably never will.

I guess you can say that I hold onto grudges against everyone that was involved in that time of my life.

In general, I always thought I held onto grudges. I seemed to be the person that never ended things in a good way. When things got messy and rough and too much for me to handle, I vanish. I leave people behind without explanation and act like they never existed. I lived my life like this because I always thought I was forgettable; I was nothing special to remember. But doing that never left me feeling good; it just leaves me with painful memories and regrets and shame that I quickly have to get over before I dive into the “I fucking hate myself” part of my brain.

I reminded my therapist that the grudge I keep currently reminds me a lot about the one I kept since my dark past: Both dealt with people who were narcissistic, selfish, toxic, and manipulative. Both people left me in a state of loneliness and sadness, yet didn’t recognize the damage they have caused. The person from the past never apologized for putting me in a state so far in depression I was ready to kill myself. The person in my life currently never apologized for their behavior and hurting my family and myself. Because of that, I cannot “forgive and forget”. I cannot excuse the behavior and manipulation for pure “sickness and immaturity”. I cannot see them as good, changeable people anymore.

“Well, that’s not holding a grudge, Liz. That’s feeling resentment towards these people.”

What the fuck was the difference? Wasn’t being resentful just as equally bad as holding grudges? I didn’t know if my therapist was just trying to comfort me or spit out some true facts at me, but I was left confused. I asked her how are they different? Aren’t they both just as bad? Aren’t they both negative things I don’t wanna have to keep feeling?

“Holding a grudge and being resentful are two different effects that can come from a similar background. From a psychological standpoint, holding a grudge typically occurs when a person has owned up to their wrongdoings and took responsibilities for their actions in treating you unfairly, and perhaps you’ve forgiven them, but you never really will forgive them for what they did, no matter how much they’ve proven to be better people now. Being resentful is when the person who treated you unfairly never apologized or took into consideration that their actions affected you in any way, even if they changed for the better or don’t reflect the type of person they were during the time they treated you poorly.

You’re resentful, which isn’t such a bad thing to be. You may not completely see it now, but you’re acknowledging your self-worth and showcasing assertiveness by being resentful. You demand an apology when someone has disrespected you or has done something to negatively affect you in some way because you know you deserve it. Because many people are not willing to swallow their pride in order to take on such big responsibilities like that, you don’t wait long for that apology. Hence, you feel resentment towards the people who treated you unfairly.”

I was in complete shock. It explained so many things about my life and myself that I was never able to answer. Why did I allow people to hurt me to the point of no return? Why wasn’t I ever able to talk things out with people in my past and move past those wrongdoings in our lives? Was it really me running away to avoid confrontation or did I always knew how much I really deserved out of people and out of life in general? I thought I was always the bad person for “holding grudges”. I thought I was petty or spiteful if I still felt negative things about a person way after things changed or after I moved on. Why would these random people, who I do not miss having in my life whatsoever, bring me some sort of post-trauma? Why would those things that happened to me all those years ago influence how I resolve issues with people in general? Am I now a bad person for constantly running away from people, and pretend they never existed? Am I only hurting myself in the end?

I’ve realized that I had no control in “holding my grudges”, which is why I always thought I was this horrible person. I couldn’t see past all the harassment, manipulation, and threats. I couldn’t see past the catalyst for my major depression and suicidal thoughts. I simply couldn’t forgive.

But what is there to forgive if nothing was ever apologized for?

And that’s where it clicked. 

I left my therapy session feeling a lot better than how I entered it. It had felt like I lifted six years of weight off of my shoulders and I was finally able to breathe again. In a sense, I was also able to lift my current resentment towards family off of my shoulders as well. I was able to be okay to feel the way I felt about these two separate situations, and it was okay for me to move on without feeling like I’m this “petty” person for not forgiving people who never apologized for hurting me or abusing me verbally and mentally. People who never took responsibility for their actions and never apologized for heir behavior is not worthy for you to just drop it and act like nothing happened. At the end of the day, you are not wrong for still being resentful towards a person who has hurt you and never cared about/acknowledged the fact that you were mistreated. 

We tend to forget that people are actual fucking human beings; we forget that we all have real human, complex emotions that have opinions and thoughts about everything in life. When we unintentionally hurt people, we have to know how it feels to be in their shoes. You have to see things their way and ask yourself what was it that made them upset or mad at you in the first place. We then get a sense of the idea of what made them feel this way, and we apologize for unintentionally hurting them. No one is ever not going to apologize for unintentionally hurting someone unless you don’t plan on seeing things through the other person’s eyes. If you can’t sit back and reflect on your actions toward that person and think how it made them felt, you aren’t going to feel like there’s a reason to apologize. And that’s when resentment builds. If you would like someone to apologize to you when you are hurt, apologize to the people that you’ve hurt.

Just how being selfish with yourself doesn’t make you an asshole, feeling resentful because you know you’re worthy for apologies isn’t selfish. It’s wanting what you give back. It’s about getting respect. It’s about being honest and truthful and doing the right thing in situations.

I know the people in my life who I resent will never offer me any type of an apology, and I’m okay with that. I’m okay knowing that there are people who will acknowledge and apologize, and others will ignore and move on. I’m a resentful person, and as of now, I am happy that I am. I am still learning how to pick all the weeds and keep the flowers like Kelly Clarkson once said! I am allowed to hold resentment towards people who’ve hurt me the most, but I also know when to move on and start prioritizing my needs and my self-worth. Maybe part of my process right now is being resentful.

Be kind, but be assertive for your respect. You deserve it just as much as the next person, Y’all.

 

-Liz. (:

Hey, guys – welcome back to TNTH.

So, to keep it sweet and straight to the point: They are a lot of different people in this world, obviously. But there’s something we typically don’t think about a lot about people, and that’s what type of aura they carry and what kind of soul do they have. If you’re still wondering what the hell is this chick talking about, ask yourself this: have you ever saw a person for the first time and already had a judgment about them? Maybe you saw a girl that you would typically stay away from because they carry this “tough-as-nails” aura. Maybe you lean towards someone who had a friendly or bubbly aura. Almost everyone you encounter will have some sort of aura about them, and when you get to know people better, you’ll start to understand how and where that aura comes from in the first place.

In the past couple of months, I realized that what I’m passionate about and what I want my place in this world to be is me helping others. I’m a mental health advocate, I’m all about exploring your authentic voice and self, and I’m willing to help those who may feel silenced be more accepting to their voices and own their stories by expressing themselves. I like to think that my a part of my soul was meant to heal people.

Being a healer, I know how difficult it is to heal yourself when you need it.

I feel like healers have the worst judgment of themselves; they may feel like their healing process doesn’t matter or worthy enough for energy, we’re most likely insecure ourselves, we have personal issues about our image and self-worth that we try to disguise or mask most of the times, and we decompartmentalize for other people’s sake. The best example I could give of a person being a healer is YouTuber Shane Dawson; he is responsible for the “docuseries” type of videos that are being popularized on YouTube and where he goes to help other YouTubers out with their channels, images, or just themselves in general. He’s a healer, but you can clearly tell that he represses some of his own healing by helping others out, and healers seem to be known for doing that. It’s like that whole quote of “the loudest in the room is usually the weakest” or “the happiest person is usually the saddest” – I feel like the people who heal others are the ones who actually need the most healing.

So, how do you heal?

That honestly depends on how you want and how you need to heal. It’s different for every person, but it always requires you to be a little selfish with yourself. First and foremost, you had to realize that you matter and how you feel also matters and just like everyone else, you deserve to heal as well. Healers are more so selfless, and it doesn’t hurt for them to be a little bit more selfish with themselves. Acknowledge how you feel, recognize the things that are preventing you from your own process of healing. What is it that you’re masking and disguising for the world? Once you realize these things about yourself, you’ve pretty much already told yourself that you’re worth healing and are at the beginning stages of that self-awareness.

I recognize that my behavior was a warning sign that I needed to do some healing for myself. I began to not feel like myself as a person, and I began to feel disconnected from people who I loved the most. I’ve never experienced something that drastic in my life before and immediately began to be self-aware of the things that made me feel the way I felt and what type of behavior that resulted. It took me a lot of rock bottom moments to start my own healing process because a lot of the time I believed that my own struggles were not worthy enough to start my healing process. I believed that other people had it worse than I did, and focusing my energy on myself felt like I was being self-centered and selfish with myself for all the wrong reasons. But healers are human too, and we deserve to heal in whatever we need to heal from.

So to all the healers silently trying to keep their shit together for the sake of others: take care of yourself and begin your process. As my first Tori once told me: “you can’t fill someone else’s glass when yours is empty.” In other words, take care of you before you take care of anyone else! It’s possible to be your own healer as well, and it’s important that you do so.

 

-Liz. (: