Author: liz

Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2025, y2katalogue: The Tapes

Day 9: Tape #52 – The First Serious Talk of Many.

liz

Milo walks down the very block he did about a week ago; this time without any of the excitement he usually feels. His stomach is in a knot; each footstep forward feels harder to make than the last one. He finally reaches his destination: the treehouse in front of Gwen’s yard.

Milo looks up, hoping to see some movement in the treehouse. He sighs, about to give up and head back around until the front door of Gwen’s house opens. Milo quickly turns around, noticing Gwen’s mother standing there.

Beth: I’m sorry; are you looking for Gwen?

Milo: *nervous* Uhm, uh–

Beth: My husband and I have noticed you walking up and down our street all week and–

Gwen walks up behind her mother.

Gwen: *embarrassed* Mom…

Beth: What? Do you know this young man?

Gwen looks over at Milo; it was the first time Milo has physically seen Gwen since the night in the treehouse.

Gwen: *to Beth* Yes, mom. He’s… a friend from school.

Beth and Gwen look back at Milo, who is now awkwardly standing in the middle of their yard.

…

Gwen opens the door of her bedroom and walks in, letting Milo follow behind her. She doesn’t say anything to him; she simply goes to the corner of her room where a window stoop-now-seat is with a munch of books piling up. Milo stands in the middle of her room, observing her.

Milo: That’s surely a lot of books to read for the first day of summer break.

Gwen: It’s for AP English; they gave us a reading list of books to finish before the school year starts.

Milo: That’s… a lot.

Gwen: I’ll manage.

Gwen turns her back on Milo, flipping through the various pages of books. Milo slowly walks closer to Gwen, watching her every move. He notices her side eyeing him as he gets closer. He slowly sits next to Gwen, facing her as she skims.

Gwen: *not looking up* I doubt you’re here to help me read these books…

Milo: You haven’t been on AIM in days.

Gwen’s head shoots up to look at Milo; she doesn’t say anything.

Gwen: I don’t feel like IMing anybody–

Milo: That’s completely fine, but I’m not just anybody.

Gwen shuts her book hard, making a thud sound against its pages.

Milo: How are you doing?

Gwen: *crosses her arms along her chest* That’s a stupid question.

Milo: It probably is, but it doesn’t mean I don’t want to know.

Gwen: I’m fine, Milo…

Milo: *stern* Stop it.

Milo and Gwen stare at each other for a moment before Gwen looks away; preferable trying to hold back her tears.

Milo: I already told you, I’m not going anywhere.

Gwen: Milo–

Milo: And I meant it.

Gwen doesn’t say anything else; she just looks at Milo as he speaks.

Milo: Mr. Harrison petitioned to remove me from the dual major program.

Gwen: *shocked* What?

Milo: He hounded at the fact that I missed the dual major and strings performance and said I wasn’t fit to be in the program.

Gwen sighs as her face softens.

Gwen: Because you came over here… I’m so sorry–

Milo: You did nothing wrong.

Gwen: *confused* You missed the show because of me.

Milo: You think I care more about a stupid program than you?

Gwen: *concerned* Milo, you worked hard to be in the dual majors program. You earned your spot and for Mr. Harrison to petition you be removed is not fair–

Milo: You matter more, Gwen.

Milo pauses before he speaks again.

Milo: You and… the baby matter more.

Gwen doesn’t say anything back. She watches Milo gently put his hand on top of hers, slightly squeezing it for reassurance.

Gwen: *softly* How are you so… calm about this?

Milo: Believe me, I’m screaming inside; but one of us has to be the one to make sure the other is alright. I rather be that one.

Gwen smiles before she lets out a deep sigh.

Gwen: *worried* Milo… we have to make a decision about this.

Milo looks at Gwen, a bit confused.

Milo: A decision?

Gwen: We’re only 15. We’ve just finished freshman year of high school. You have to deal with the dual major issue, I have tons of work for these AP courses, you have your band, I have my extracurricular activities–

Milo: What are you trying to say?

Gwen: *dumbfounded* What do you mean ‘what am I trying to say’?!

Milo: You’ve said nothing but the obvious things, Gwen–

Gwen: *annoyed* The obvious things are the obvious reasons we can’t keep it.

Milo freezes in place, not knowing how to respond.

Milo: Is that what you want to do?

Gwen: *impatient* You want me to make the decision?

Milo: It’s your body, Gwen. I don’t have a say what you should do with your body–

Gwen: This isn’t just my baby–

Milo: *annoyed* Would it matter what I say in this situation though?

Gwen gets up from where she’s sitting and walks to her desk. Milo sighs, getting up to follow Gwen.

Milo: This is… all new to me, Gwen. Having any say in a decision like this feels wrong only because it sounds like you’ve already made up your mind.

Gwen: Made up my mind?

Milo: You don’t want to keep the baby.

Gwen scrunches her eyebrows, hearing Milo finally saying the taboo thing out loud.

Gwen: Do you also not want to keep it?

Milo: Gwen, I can’t make that decision for you–

Gwen: *stern* Convince me why we shouldn’t keep it then.

Milo looks at Gwen, not understanding where she is going with this.

Milo: You just said the obvious reasons why we shouldn’t–

Gwen: But I’m not convinced.

Milo’s eyes widen, finally piecing together the true nature of this serious talk.

Milo: You… want to keep the baby?

Gwen doesn’t say anything right away; she ponders her answer before speaking. She finally turns her chair to face Milo.

Gwen: I know it’s not the right decision… but… getting rid of it also doesn’t feel right either. What if this is a sign?

Milo: A sign?

Gwen: What if I don’t get the chance to have a baby when I get older? What if this baby happened for a reason?

Milo: Gwen, you’re talking in riddles now.

Gwen: *sighs* What if this baby happened because this is the only chance I’ll ever have to have a baby? It’s like… the universe is telling me it had to happen now because I won’t be able to do it in the future?

Milo takes a moment to understand what Gwen is trying to say. He hates hearing her talk about her life as if it’s ending, but understands why she views it in such way. He understands why she’s viewing this in the same way as well.

Gwen: But… I can’t make this decision alone, Milo. I can’t make this decision knowing that you don’t want the same thing.

Before Milo has time to think and come up with an answer, Gwen’s mother knocks on the bedroom door before entering. The two teens separate from each other, creating some distance before her mother sees them.

Beth: Dinner’s ready if you both want to come down and eat.

Gwen looks at Milo and puts a smile on her face.

Gwen: Would you like to stay for dinner, Milo?

Milo takes a moment to answer. He sees just how scared Gwen is, and how hard she is trying to hide it from the outside world. In this moment, he feels the need to protect not only her, but their baby as well.

Milo: Sure.

Gwen gets up from her seat and begins to walk out of her bedroom door. Milo follows, closing her door behind them.

Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2025, Voiceless Rant: The Series

Day 8: A Voiceless Rant, 2025 Edition.

liz

Another year, another post to just throw out some random thoughts on a screen and label it as a rant. Yes, if you haven’t guessed it already by the title, this is the 2025 edition of:

I feel like the older I get, the less inclined I am to actually express myself (personally) in my blog writing. Sure, we have Overexposed as a series, but I find myself very much enjoying having the ability to share what I want to share versus what I don’t. This doesn’t mean I’m not a writer anymore, it just means that my inspiration and my focus is more on the stories I write, telling the stories of the different characters that live in my brain for most of the day.

The most I’ve shared about myself was my OCD diagnosis, which is something that I chose to share for the sake of being transparent and authentic with myself. Like I previously spoke about, it’s been a challenge understanding how this diagnosis looks like on me, and in the process of learning and being more aware of my rituals, compulsions, and rumination, it’s very apparent that all of those are mental for me. I learned a lot about myself in this journey, not even realizing that the inner voice in my head that never shuts up is a OCD symptom. Needless to say, this is something that I am still learning about, all while “unlearning” the techniques and mechanisms, disguised as OCD.

I was worried that this new diagnosis would mentally put me in the place I was in when I first started therapy, and using my anxiety diagnosis as the bible to explain why I was the way I was. It hindered my progress, and it really wasn’t until a couple of years later that I figured out how anxiety looked on me. In an ironic way, it’s my OCD fearing that because of this new diagnosis, I will treat it as a crutch as I did with previous diagnosis’. I know it’s a ridiculous thought, but it feels real, and OCD strives on thoughts that feel real. I am (still) learning that every thought is just a thought, whether or not it’s fake or real. I am (also still) learning that not everything I struggle with is stemmed with OCD, and that things that are currently happening and real need to be processed correctly. In a nutshell, my belief that emotional processing will cause me to spiral out of control was an OCD thought that developed through a traumatic experience.

One of my compulsions is hair pulling. Not only does it stress me out that I do it and know that it’s a body repetitive focused behavior, but I have trained my brain that pulling my hair allows my mind to escape the real situations and real emotions I am currently going through. For me, it’s dealing with the “mental changes” from young adulthood to adulthood, battling with themes and feelings that are very new in this body.

As I write this, I am trying to be more discipline with myself. Knowing myself, I am trying to quit cold turkey with hair pulling. I’ve tried looking at it in a different perspective, replacing the behavior with something similar; everything. After many discussions with different professionals about my hair pulling, I am at the stage where I’ve gained awareness of the behavior, but have not strictly stopped myself from doing the behavior. While it’s not ideal to quit turkey since this is a behavior, not a habit, I am trying to control the situation by visibly seeing this huge STOP sign in my mind when I find myself wanting to pull, or mindlessly pull. So far, it’s been going well with some moments of me looking at my hair and pulling and going, “oh shit, you’re doing it again.”

I have tons of goals for myself entering 2026 related to this. So far, I have not cut my hair short out of impulse, and I’ve been letting my eyebrows grow (again) after they burned off with bleach.

“Oh, what makes this attempt to grow out your hair and eyebrows any different than the last couple of times?” I wasn’t aware that even this thought was OCD driven.

What makes this time different is now I have the resources needed to at least try something different. I am able to take note of the places and time of day when I am prone to pulling my hair. I am able to take a step back and think what truly is the underlying issue causing these urges to pull.

Of course, there’s always a chance I will need to revise my plan, and be okay knowing the fact that it may not work. There’s always a chance I will pull and not know how to get myself out of it. There’s always a chance that the guilt and shame of relapsing will drive my need to continue to pull. There’s always a chance that this time may be like the other times in the past. But, at least I can say that I tried, and am actively trying to break the cycle.

The Unwritten Pages., Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2025

Day 6: That One August Day, Ten Years Later: Written as Milo.

liz

“Milo!” I shouted across the apartment, packing a couple of snacks into Milo’s knapsack. I shook my head when I don’t get a response back.

It’s a noticeably hot, summer day today; the forecast says it’s going to be at least 95 degrees by the time it hits noon. I fan myself with an envelope left on the kitchen table, hoping to finally get this air conditioner to start working before then.

“Milo!”

“I’m coming!” I hear his voice shout from his room. I walked over to the closed door, opening it to see what was taking him so long. Milo turns around when he hears the door open.

“Dad!” Milo said, shocked. I couldn’t help but sigh seeing the state of his bedroom.

“Milo,” I began to say. “Didn’t I tell you that your room needed to be cleaned before you went to Mollie’s?”

“I couldn’t find my swimming shorts.”

“Bud, they are always in the same place every single year.”

“Not those shorts,” Milo emphasized. I couldn’t help but laugh; Milo has expressed the fact that the swim shorts his grandmother bought him one year were not meant for boys. Of course, Mollie was the one that made the revelation and brought it to Milo’s attention.

“Okay, that’s understandable,” I said before walking into his room as he gathered his things. “I expect this room to be cleaned as soon as I bring you back home.” Milo sighed as he grabbed his book bag from his bed, dragging it towards the exit of the room. It’s not easy being a single father to a nine-year old that tends to act like he’s nineteen.

…

I was grateful for Lydia still letting Milo around Mollie, her youngest daughter. Her and Milo were born just a month apart from each other, and since then they’ve been inseparable. After Pep and I’s falling out last year, I was glad that it didn’t affect Milo’s friendship with Mollie. Oh, to be a kid again when all you fought about with your best friend was who ate the last cookie in the bag at recess.

Leaving Milo with Mollie also gave me time to finish up any assignments for grad school, on top of grading papers for the vocal class I teach at Waverly. It’s a bit surreal to be working at the place where it all started, ten years ago as a freshman. It’s crazy how fast time flies as soon as you graduate from high school.

As I continued to work on some assignments for school, my phone rings. I sigh, knowing exactly who it is. “Hey, man.”

“Milo?” Danny said. “How’d you know it was me?”

“It was either going to be Nicki or you, and knowing just how pregnant your wife is, I doubt she wants to be bothered.” Nicki and Danny got engaged as soon as they graduated college in 2014. With the help of Nicki’s very successful and rich sister, they were able to plan the wedding and ceremony all in a year and a half. They got married last year in April, and it look like they waited no time to get pregnant with their first child.

“Dude,” Danny starts to say. “How’d the hell did you survive a pregnant woman at 15?! Doing it at 25 is seeming impossible!” I couldn’t help but laugh. Danny and I have always been like brothers, even if in the beginning of our friendship it wasn’t like that. It seems like these last couple of months I’ve become more of a OBGYN for him, telling him my experience being around a woman with child.

“I’m still trying to figure that out,” I replied, trying hard to remember what life was like before Milo was born. “How are you guys doing up in Valley Stream anyway?”

“Dude,” Danny begins his sentences with ‘dude’ when he’s going through it. “Between the soccer mom vans and the long drive thru lines through McDonald’s—”

“Wait, what does one have to do with the other?”

“You try having a hangry Nicki sitting in the passenger seat, craving a Big Mac with two fish patties instead of the beef patty and having the drive-thru worker look at her like she’s an alien or some shit.”

“It sounds like you have a lot on your hands,” I said, leaning back in my seat. “Meanwhile, I’m sitting here in my apartment kid-free for the whole day. Cherish these times, Danny.” He deadpans over the phone as I get up from my seat, walking to the balcony door and opening it.

“Yeah, yeah,” Danny dismissed. “You’re still coming to the baby shower next weekend, right?”

“Of course,” I answered, leaning on the railing of the balcony and looking out towards the neighborhood. “What kind of godfather would I be not showing up?”

“You’re still on this godfather thing,” Danny stated unenthusiastically stated instead of asking. “What’s text? You’re going to talk with an Italian accent and smoke a fat cigar?”

“I don’t know who you’re going to have to break the news to, but I’ve called dibs on godfather as soon as you guys told me you were expecting. Being ‘Uncle Milo’ isn’t enough!” Before Danny said anything else, I could Nicki shout from the back; possibly about her phone being used for this phone call. A little tussling was heard before I heard the phone go still. “Danny?”

“Please take Danny out of the house,” Nicki began to say. “I’m trying to organize all this shit in the nursery and he’s literally up my ass like—”

“Hi, Nic,” I finally said before she go too detailed.

“Hi, Milo,” she sighed as she answered. I smiled; I can only imagine how uncomfortable she’s been. Gwen was a lot to handle towards the end of her pregnancy with Milo, and a lot of that was just being uncomfortable all the time. “Can you please take Danny out for the day?”

“I sent my kid to his friend’s house already,” I teased, knowing what to expect as an answer.

“Just fucking take him, Milo!” She yelled. “For fuck’s sake, I’m just trying to get everything in order before this fucking baby shower and everything is hurting and I’m stressed and—” I hear her voice crack. Ah, yes; the hormones.

“Okay, okay; I’m sorry,” I quickly said before Nicki started to cry. “Tell your man to meet me at my place; we’ll go and do guy things while you get your mommy things done.”

“Thank you,” she simply said before shouting away from the phone. “Danny I will be fine! Go, before I divorce you for being too fucking annoying!” The phone hangs up and I can’t help but shake my head and laugh.

…

“Four hours?!” I repeated to the technician, who’s knee deep in the AC unit in my apartment. “You’re telling me this is going to take four hours to fix?”

“We have to turn off this circuit to access the mechanic causing the system to jam,” the technician said, grunting as he got up from the ground. “I would suggest finding a cooler spot to hang out in while we fix this.” As if this was some sort of 90’s sitcom, Danny arrives at my open front door, giving it a courtesy knock before looking into the apartment.

“Dude, it’s hot as fuck in here,” Danny pointed out. I held the bridge of my nose, letting out a deep sigh. I looked at the technician before speaking.

“Please call me when the AC is fixed; I’ll find some place to go in the meantime,” I said before gathering everything I needed in order to kill time. Danny follows me throughout the apartment before we both finally head on out on this hot, August day.

Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2025, y2katalogue: The Tapes

Day 5: Tape #51 – The Last Day of Freshman Year.

liz

The final bell of the school year rings, which prompts the students of Waverly High to leave for the summer. Danny and Nicki walk out together, noticing that Jennifer is already outside, talking to some other people.

Nicki: *to Danny* When do you think she’s finally going to snap?

Danny: As soon as you mention his name.

The two teens walk down the steps together and toward Jennifer. As they get closer, Jennifer turns her head and smiles at them.

Jennifer: Hey, guys! You guys met my friends, right?

She points to three complete strangers. Nicki and Danny doesn’t say anything.

Nicki: I don’t belie–

Jennifer: Nicki, Danny; this is Michelle, Theresa, and E-Dot.

Danny: ‘E-Dot?’

E-Dot: Short for Edward.

Nicki: Oh! Like the Twilight book series?

E-Dot: *confused* Uhm… I guess…

An awkward pause between the group of teens; Jennifer clears her throat to break it.

Jennifer: I’ll see you guys at Nate’s studio later tonight!

The other teens wave goodbye to Jennifer and walk away. Jennifer turns around and faces Nicki and Danny.

Jennifer: You guys have anything to do tonight? We could all go to Nate’s together.

Nicki: Pep–

Jennifer: *ignores* It’ll be fun! Him and his brothers are gonna play some music and chill and his friends are–

Nicki: *stern* Pep.

Jennifer stops.

Jennifer: What?

Nicki doesn’t say anything. Danny intervenes.

Danny: Uhm… is everything okay with, uhm–

Nicki: Pep, you can’t just act like Milo doesn’t exist.

Jennifer: *annoyed* Who said anything about Milo?

Nicki: Exactly. One day you’re like oh-em-gee, we made up and are best friends again and now you cringe every time we mention Milo.

Jennifer: I’m allowed to change my mind.

Nicki: Just because he did something stupid that you weren’t involved in?

Danny’s head quickly turns to face Nicki.

Danny: Babe–

Jennifer: *getting mad* Nah, let Nicki speak her mind. *to Nicki* How would you feel if your best friend keeps this huge secret from you for months, acting like it’s nothing serious, and then misses your most important show of the season to tell me that he got some random chick pregnant?

Nicki: Gwen isn’t just some random girl. She’s a girl in his section in band–

Jennifer: She’s random to us, Nicki! When has Milo ever introduced Gwen to us as his friend? If he had time to lose his virginity with her, he had time to introduce her to the important people in his life!

Danny: Maybe he felt like he couldn’t.

Nicki: Babe–

Jennifer: *defensive* I’m starting you feel like you guys are taking Milo’s side in this.

Nicki: *annoyed* This isn’t about taking sides!

Jennifer: You either agree with what he’s done, or you don’t–

Nicki: Just because I don’t agree with it doesn’t mean he’s a bad person, Pep.

Nicki takes a moment.

Nicki: Milo was there for you when you were in this situation.

Jennifer: Real class act, Nic; bringing up the past I had with your boyfriend to prove a point–

Nicki: I don’t give a shit about that!

Danny rubs Nicki’s shoulder to calm her down.

Danny: Nic–

Jennifer starts walking away from the couple; Nicki follows her, and Danny follows Nicki.

Nicki: You can run away all you want from this, but if you want to continue to run away from your problems, then go right ahead–

Jennifer stops in place and turns around, causing Nicki and Danny to jolt in place.

Jennifer: Milo had every opportunity to tell me who Gwen was. Milo had the opportunity to bring this girl around and properly introduce us to her. Instead, he decided to keep her a secret; and for what?!

Danny: He was probably afraid you would say something negative about Gwen, especially if he likes her–

The girls turn around to face Danny.

Danny: I’m just saying.

Jennifer: So, we had to find out about a crush he has on a girl by telling us he got her pregnant?

Danny is speechless; Jennifer rolls her eyes and attempts to walk away. Nicki grabs Jennifer by the arm, stopping her to do so.

Nicki: We didn’t know Milo liked Gwen like that.

Jennifer: *confused* Like that?

Nicki: I had a feeling he liked her, but–

Jennifer: So you knew about this?

Nicki: Pep–

Jennifer: *mad* No! I’m sick and tired of everyone knowing what’s going on, and I’m in the dark being the last one to find out! What; does Milo flirt with Gwen in band class? Sit next to her and help her with her music and stares all loving at her and then acts like she’s ugly outside of class?

Nicki: It’s not even like that–

Jennifer: It feels like that; that’s my point. It feels like I was placed in the middle of a story, not knowing what happened before that. It feels like my own best friend, who was angry at me for not telling him the entire story about Danny and me, but then does the exact same thing. And you both knew something was going on between them and never told me.

Danny: Milo never said–

Nicki: It’s fine, Danny. *to Jennifer* You’re right. Milo did the exact same thing he was upset at you for doing. That’s not right, but what good is it to tell us how you’re feeling and not Milo himself? Would you have believed me or Danny if we told you we suspected Milo liked Gwen?

Nothing is said.

Nicki: Exactly, and even then; you know me well enough to know that I don’t tell other people’s business. That was not my story to tell you, Pep.

The bus across the street begins to pull up at the bus stop. Jennifer takes note of it.

Jennifer: I gotta go. I’ll see you tomorrow for practice; if there’s even still a band to practice for.

Jennifer runs across the street to catch the bus, leaving the teen couple standing on the other side of the sidewalk.

…

Milo opens the front door of his house, letting out a huge sigh. He drags his feet towards his room, taking the shortcut so that he doesn’t have to pass his parents in the kitchen and living room. He enters his bedroom and puts his bag on the floor and plops his back on the bed. There is a knock heard on the other door of his bedroom.

Elise: *outside of the door* Milo?

Milo squeezes his eyes shut before he gets up, opening the bedroom door. Once he does, he walks back to his bed.

Elise: How was your last day of school?

Milo: It was okay. Just chilled in our classes before getting dismissed.

Elise begins to pick up various pieces of clothing from the floor, and places it in Milo’s hamper.

Elise: I would’ve thought you were going to hang out at Jennifer’s after school.

Milo: I wasn’t really feeling good in school today so I just came straight home.

Elise: Oh, okay; well take it easy for today, and make sure to have everything put away when you’re feeling better—

Milo: Okay mom…

Elise: And don’t forget that those summer job applications are due later next week too, so try to finish them up and hand them in please—

Milo sits up from the bed, looking at his mother.

Milo: Why is dad forcing me to get this summer job anyway? The dual major program in Waverly is expecting us to work on some pieces before—

Elise: Your father doesn’t want you to sit around for two months doing nothing; especially if we’re called for a business trip in between school break.

Milo: *annoyed* So I can’t have a summer break, but you and dad can work in some foreign country for a couple of weeks?

Elise sighs before she smiles at Milo.

Elise: When you graduate high school and then college, you can decide where in the world you’d like to work from; for now, it’s here for Summer Youth.

Milo rolls his eyes as his mother walks out of his room with some laundry in a bin, closing the door behind her. Milo sighs and walks to his computer, signing onto AIM. Gwen’s screen-name is still logged off. He shuts his eyes closed, tight as if he’s trying to vanish the thoughts away from his head. He hovers Jennifer’s screen-name to see that her away message is some cryptic sad song lyrics. Milo sighs one last time before logging off of AIM himself, turning his computer monitor underneath his desk with his toe.

Milo gets up from his desk and walks to the mirror. He looks at himself, not recognizing the person in front of him.

Milo: *to his reflection* What the fuck am I supposed to do about this? How did this even happen–

Before he could finish his sentence, his father opens the bedroom door without knocking.

Milo: *annoyed* Dad, you’re suppose to knock–

Montrel: Your mom shouldn’t have to be doing your own laundry, son.

Milo: *defensive* I didn’t tell her to do my laundry, she came in here and–

Montrel: And those job applications? When am I going to hear that they were sent out?

Milo: I’m working on it, dad–

Montrel: I’m telling you now; you’re not sitting in this house all summer doing nothing; today isn’t an exception.

His dad closes the door, leaving Milo feeling frustrated. Milo grabs his house keys and a drawstring bag from his desk, exiting the bedroom door from the opposite end, out of sight from his parents.

Overexposed: A Self-Love Project., Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2025

Day 4: Sit with the Discomfort.

liz

“The crossroads you described – not knowing which direction to go? That’s actually exactly where you need to be right now. You’re between the old identity that doesn’t work anymore and a new one you haven’t defined yet.”

The year is 2012, and an 18 year old Liz is crying on her bathroom floor, wishing to stop feeling everything all at once. All she wants is a quiet mind, because all of the things affecting her are things outside of her control. There’s no answer in fixing them. The morality beliefs, the fear of something bad happening to me or my family. The never-ending feeling of every single emotion that got me to this place. That Liz was suicidal. She had thoughts of standing in the middle of the street so that a car can hit her. She had thoughts of allowing all of the bad things happen to her because she felt like she deserved it. She lived in this mindset for years until one day she found a solution. Being selfish with herself.

What she didn’t realize was that she was even being selfish to herself, subconsciously limiting her access to get any deeper than the surface level of every worry and negative situation. She saw the change as being overprotective; to make sure that she would not ever fall back into the place she was sitting on that bathroom floor, alone and scared for the next day.

But the year is now 2025, and 31-year-old Liz is softer. Kinder to herself. On the path to break generational curses by knowing she deserved so much more than what she grew up around. The stoic and emotionless version she created doesn’t serve her purpose anymore. It’s now hurting her. So, where does she go from here? Does she continue to sacrifice herself and drown, or does she survive?

She survives, and survival sometimes means to be uncomfortable. To feel discomfort.

Hi, my name is Liz, and I am learning to practice the art of discomfort.

Lemme explain.

In my short journey navigating what OCD looks like for me, I realized a lot of the internal (and external) work has been difficult because I’ve masked what I was truly feeling. I’ve explained in the past that in the last couple of years, I feel like there has been some sort of disconnect with my mind and body. I feel like I’ve done a lot of the mental work over the years, but I still didn’t have control over my behavior (or body) when things were happening that I had no control over.

Life since the COVID-19 pandemic drastically changed in my life, especially when it came to the relationships I had with those I grew up with. Getting older means that you start to see things for what they are, whether that’s being aware to the familial issues that you didn’t see as a kid, or the other adult-like problems that we didn’t have to worry about as kids or teenagers. The pandemic made it hard for society to develop and grow; it feels like it hindered us as a society, even years later. For me, it was changes within my family. It was changes with my own body, and it was changes with my psyche. I was no longer letting the surface level petty shit get to me like it would in the past, to be quite frank: I had bigger fish to fry. But, it doesn’t mean I was processing everything correctly. As a matter of fact, I learned the act of avoidance without ever having to teach myself, but now it serves no purpose in life. I have to feel the emotions in order to process them, even when they are extremely heavy to deal with in the first place.

Last night, I processed something for the first time in a really long time. It was one of the first times in awhile that I cried, and although that feeling sucked, I was still allowing myself to feel an emotion in order to process it. I didn’t need to find a solution to fix it or feel better, I just needed to be okay to feel it in its entirety.

I needed to realize that feeling the emotion was an option, and discomfort is a part of the process.

For me, this directly applies to my OCD and my core fear of inflated responsibility. “I need to find a solution to this so that everyone can feel better afterwards.” “I need to be strong for other people because they rely on me to feel better, or help give them some clarity on their issues. The fact of the matter is that thought process will always be impossible to satisfy, because I can’t control other people thoughts, beliefs, and actions. I am not a superhero, and I can’t fix, or save people. I can only be my own superhero, yet for years I’ve been my own villain in my story.

It’s not going to be easy to allow myself to sit in the discomfort. It’s going to feel like I’m doing something wrong, or that being uncomfortable in processing the emotions means I’m a bad person. It’s going to take tons of internal work to be okay of discomfort; whether that spectrum is fighting the urge to engage in hair pulling, or processing a distressing, or negative emotion.

See it through this lens: we think that avoidance is strength, that being nonchalant towards real situations is strength. What we fail to realize is that it’s a lot easier to avoid than to fully take things on without any certainty, and to sit in the discomfort of not knowing how things will turn out. That’s true strength.

I am leaving this year with a new outlook on adulthood, and how it looks like on me. I am in this in between space where my old self, my old “identity”, and the lessons I’ve learned in that stage of my life simply don’t work for me anymore. It means I am changing. I am growing, learning, and challenging these things, all while still trying to define who I am in this stage. I am sitting in discomfort, and it’s exactly where I need to be right now.

The Teenage Monologues: Season 3, Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2025

Day 3: A Little Bit Longer: A Sophie Monologue.

liz

I let out a deep breath as I stand in line with my bandmates in the strings section. I nervously bounce my leg in place, waiting for Mr. Harrison to walk us onto the stage. I hear the audience clap for the performance before us, followed by the stage curtain to the backstage flip open. Two teens walk out with Aaron; it seems thrilled after his showcase performance. Mollie follows the boys afterwards, noticeably looking down towards the ground.

“Sophie!” I hear a boy’s voice call out my name. Thankfully, it wasn’t Milo, but surprisingly it was Allen.

“What’s up?” I asked as he shimmered his way down the line next to me.

“I just wanted to wish you good luck on the solo tonight,” he said, faintly smiling as he spoke. “I know I was against this whole thing but, it’s pretty exciting to be performing at a dual major showcase.” I nodded my head, hoping that the conversation ended there. It didn’t.

“Thanks, Allen,” I said, turning around back in place with my violin. I heard him clear his throat before he said anything else. I turned around, looking at him as if he had something to say to me.

“I know this will probably be our last time doing something like this, but I have to admit…” Allen took in a deep breath before he continued. “I think this is the first time this school year that I actually felt proud being in the strings ensemble.”

“Same here,” I faintly smiled, agreeing with Allen. “It’s definitely a change of scenery from the band room, right?”

“I just hope we could keep this momentum,” Allen commented, seeing a bit worried. “All I want is to get the same opportunities as the other majors in Waverly.” I nodded my head, agreeing with every word that Allen says. It was true; just seeing our individual names listed on the program felt good. It felt good to get some recognition after constantly being in the shadows of the other majors here at Waverly. Sure, half of that was because of Milo considering us to be in his showcase, but its because of us that we even were glanced at by a dual major… even if that dual major was the boy that I’m hopelessly in love with.

It hurt the longer I waited to speak up. The uncertainty in everything has tainted any sort of innocence Milo and I had. We were no longer just two middle schoolers working on a final project with each other. We were… two high school freshmen that aren’t in a relationship, yet did what we did in that treehouse. My relationship with Milo was complicated now, and I don’t know how to feel knowing that it will never be what it was with Milo again. He doesn’t want me to be his girlfriend. If he did, he would’ve asked me out months ago…

“We will,” I finally said to Allen, smiling at him. He smiled back at me, as if it was that exact moment that he realized I understood what it was like to feel like him. I understood what every strings bandmate felt like. For once, I was excited for us, not just Milo getting the standing ovation.

We finally begin walking onto the stage, behind the curtain that separates us from the audience. This will be the first time that tons of people will watch us. This will probably be the first time that a lot of Waverly students realize that we’re here. This is the first time we are finally being seen. Of course, I thank Milo for giving us this opportunity, but I thank us for being able to do what we’re about to do. I am my own person outside of Milo. My talents are more than just Milo’s to showcase.

I took a quick glance at Milo, frantically trying to get everything into place before the showcase begins. He doesn’t even look over to me to wish me good luck; not even a smile in my direction. I wonder if this was all just something Milo did to get his way. What if I was just a pawn in his game? What if everything that has happened was because he simply just wanted it in the moment? What if I thought I knew what type of person Milo truly was?

“Next on our program is one of the last band/vocal dual major showcases of the night. Also a part of our freshman ensemble and freshman choir is Milo Kamalani Jr with an arrangement performed by our very own freshman string orchestra. Please give a round of applause to Milo and the strings for “A Frigid Winter!” The curtain opens and the lights immediately hit our faces. I look over at center stage and finally see Milo up close. He’s wearing this maestro-looking jacket, standing straight with his arms up, ready to conduct. We all finally begin the song, and Milo enters with his vocals.

Milo capitates the stage in an almost theatrical way, playing towards the lyrics as an act in a way. He looks super hot on stage. For every chorus, Milo forcefully turned around and faced the strings, conducting the super fast part of it. For once, our section seemed cohesive. We played as if it was coming straight out of the studio. The “ooos” and “ahhhs” of the audience felt amazing; it meant that we were exceeding their expectations by a long shot. It meant that we were able to sound just as great as the other ensembles; the whole ensemble! It meant that Milo knew what he was talking about in getting us to perform in the first place. He was the only one that believed in us.

Milo begins to walk over to me, indicating that the solo part was coming up. He looked directly at me with those eyes, the ones where the tint of purple turn into the darkest shade of gray. They were the type of eyes Milo had whenever he felt passionate about something. They were the eyes he had the day we spent at the treehouse. Hungry. Yearning. Perplexed. Intrigued. I stand up from my seat, playing the solo of the bridge as Milo sang.

“You don’t know what you’ve woken, now all you see is a beast,” Milo sang as I played. The strings of my violin were making my fingertips red with each chord; it felt like I was going to draw blood in any moment of that solo.

It was the way his lip drew blood when I bit his lip with my teeth as we kissed. He pulled away for a moment, holding his lip with his fingers.

“Oh my–” I began to say, reaching for my bag for some tissues. “I am so sorry–“

“It’s alright,” Milo said as he wiped his lip with his hand. I immediately swatted his hand away from his face and dabbed the tissue on his lip. He did nothing but look at me with those eyes, barely reacting to the visible cut on his lip. “I can barely feel it.” I looked up at him, mesmerized by his glaze.

“That still doesn’t excuse my teeth thinking you’re some piece of meat,” I responded, still dabbing his lip. He slowly put his hand around my wrist, stopping me from continuing giving him aid. I try to fight it, seeing that blood was still coming from the little puncture hole. “I’m good, Scout.”

“A little bit longer,” I said, trying to put the tissue back on his lip. He’s way stronger than me, pulling my arm away from his face and pinned it against the wall of the treehouse. “Milo–“

“Just…a little bit…longer,” Milo dragged out the closer his lips got to my face. I could smell the vanilla flavored chap stick on him, resulting my frantic applying of it prior to seeing him. The smell was enticing on him. He gently kisses my lips before he deepened it; he was now the one biting my bottom lip.

“You never guessed this would be another side of me,” Milo sang out loud as he was looking at me. I was looking at him. He drags out the high note of the bridge, which means I’m now dragging the last note of this measure before it goes back to normal. He just kept looking at me, and I was completely taken over with his assertive in this situation. It was like he was telling me, “a little bit longer”. He finally ends that final note, gasping for air as he turns around towards the audience, and I sit back down in my seat. The audience reacts in a positive way, applauding as I finished the solo of the piece. It wasn’t long after that the piece finally ended, and as expected the audience loved it. Milo turns around and gestures us to take our bow. He quickly comes toward me, dragging me from my arm to stay standing and walk towards the center of the stage. He puts his arms out in my direction, prompting me to take another bow as the soloist. The audience roars in cheers, which completely takes me off guard. To hear people actually applaud for my violin playing was something I never thought I’d hear being at Waverly.

And of course, it was all because of Milo.

I make the same gesture toward him now, prompting him to take his bow for his unbelievable performance. I can see Milo’s family stand up from their seats, cheering as loud as they can in the school auditorium. I looked at Milo as he looked at me, and the curtain began to close in front of us. It was finally over. If only that moment lasted just a little bit longer. Maybe if we were on that stage for just a little bit longer, I wouldn’t feel this hollow feeling in my chest when he walks away from me, hi-fiving the other members of the string ensemble. As he should. So why do I feel completely empty now?

…

“Ms. Lee,” Mr. Harrison called out as he entered the band room. The other members of the band looked in my direction, unaware of what was happening. “You guys did great tonight,” he commented towards the other students. “Make sure you guys practice that other piece for NYSSMA next week; we will be hopping right on that tomorrow.” The other students grabbed their things and left the room. Mr. Harrison finally put his attention onto me. “I wanted to speak to you before you go home for the night.”

“Is everything okay? Did I mess up on one of the chords on stage or something?” I begin to worry, not knowing why Mr. Harrison would possibly need to talk to me after a performance.

“Quite opposite actually,” Mr. Harrison sits at his desk; I sit in the chair across from it. “We had gotten word that one of the recruiters were interested in one of the students in Milo’s number.”

“Milo got recruited?” I immediately assumed, considering it was his showcase performance. “That’s so exciting, but–“

“No,” Mr. Harrison interrupted me as she responded. “They were interested in you.” He hands me a folder of papers; the folder has a Julliard school logo on it. Julliard?!

“Wait, what?” I shot my head up, looking at Mr. Harrison. “Julliard?”

“They would like for you to join their prospective students program where you would train with their faculty in preparation for admission auditions when you’re a senior. They spoke highly of your performance tonight.” Mr. Harrison looks at me and folds his hands on his desk. “I think this would be a great opportunity for you, Ms. Lee. Not only will it build your confidence in your skill, but it will force you to continue working towards something that not many students are thinking of as freshmen.”

“Not thinking of?”

“College,” he clarified. “You’ve been one of the only students in my freshman class to have asked about music programs in different colleges. Consider this opportunity a reward to your hard work and dedication.” I felt like the smile on my face is glued on my face. Was this really happening? Was I actually good enough for someone important to recognize? Was I actually good enough for anyone?

“Thank you so much, Mr. Harrison,” I quicky said as I get up from the chair. I was so excited that I found myself racing to the front door and anticipate sharing this news with–

Milo.

“Mr. Harrison?” I said as I turn around. “Was I the only one the Julliard representative was interested in?” He had to have spoken to Milo. He had to have told Milo that he was recruited for this program.

“Just you and another student,” he answered. I finally walked out of the band room, trying to replay the sequence of events that just transpired. I was grateful that I was given this opportunity, but guilty that I got it through Milo’s own performance. At least another student also got the folder too.

…

“Hey Soph,” I hear Allen say to me. I turned around and waved at him. He surprisingly sits in the seat next to me in the band room, as if he actually wants to have a conversation with me. “You did great last night at the showcase.”

“Thanks,” I said as I took my binder out of my backpack getting ready for class to start. “It was cool to see people react to our performance for once.”

“It felt good,” Allen added. “To be seen for once.” I looked at Allen, nodding my head. It was exactly how I felt about the strings section. It was nice to experience the same exact feeling as someone who gets it.

“And heard,” I added. “I’m sure we’ll get more opportunities like that.” Allen nodded his head in agreement.

“And you have a direct connection too,” Allen mentioned. I tilted my head, confused now.

“What do you mean?”

“Milo Kamalani,” he replied. “Being friends with benefits with a dual major has its benefits.”

“What?!” I turned my head quickly toward Allen. “What are you talking about?” Allen looks at me as if he just said something he shouldn’t have said out loud.

“I mean, you didn’t hear this from me, but when you were at the graduation earlier, Aaron Serrano was being… Aaron Serrano. He was going on about how people were only talking about the strings at the showcase.” I swallowed hard, fearing the absolute worst. He wouldn’t have–

“And he mentioned you and Milo,” Allen continued to explain. “He said something like, oh Sophie only got the solo because she’s–” Allen looked at me, probably noticing how horrified I look right now. “It’s none of my business, but I felt like you needed to know that was being said about you.”

He did.

Allen gives me a tight smile before clearing his throat, getting up from his seat. That’s when I see it in Allen’s hands. The folder with the Julliard folder.

Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2025

Day 2: Top 5 Songs of 2025!

liz

Dear, Readers – welcome to day 2 of Lizmas!

Before I say anything else, let me put out this disclaimer: my relationship with music has drastically changed. I don’t know if I officially got to the age where most of my playlist is considered “oldies”, but I cannot get myself to like mainstream music currently. There are some artists I still follow that release new music, but as for listening to new albums and all of that… well, it’s a top 5 song list instead of top 5 albums.

But! We stick to tradition around here, and we are going to talk about the top 5 songs I personally liked that was released in 2025.

That intro was short and sweet (no pun intended), so without further ado: let’s start this list!

5.) “Icarus” – Shadow Academy

This song was an unexpected find during this year, but came into my life during a time I was internally struggling with my OCD diagnosis. Danny Avidan (or Danny from Game Grumps) and Jim Roach make up the band “Shadow Academy”, and their music is on the opposite spectrum of genre that we are used to hearing. It’s a more serious band, with the genre falling under more alternative and indie.

Dan’s singing voice has always been smoothing and nostalgic in my opinion. His tone reflects his admiration for 80’s music; it’s smooth, and doesn’t strain when it hits notes higher than his usual range.

“Icarus”, for those not familiar with Greek mythology (aka, me) was a figure known to have traveled too close to the sun, and tells the story of the consequences behind overachievement and ambition. For me, the song definitely portrays that story: where do you go once you’ve everything you wanted to accomplish as a person, but still don’t feel complete? This summer, I found myself going through that thought process, and this song got me through a lot of the difficult thoughts and conversations regarding my OCD diagnosis. I still find myself listening to this song on days where I need to be reminded that there is a balance needed in life.

4.) “White Cat” – Yves

I don’t know the name of the company that Yves is under, but whatever voodoo they did to Yves image and music is a literal genius. I feel like she was previously on a list of my music favorites, but if I didn’t: Yves was a member of Blockberry Creative’s 12-member girl group, LOONA. After the members successfully terminated their contracts with the company, many of them went their separate ways, and some decided to remain as a group under a new music company. Yves, being one of the members that chose to go solo, as (in my opinion) the most potential to be an international solo artist. Her music is just different, and doing something that most a lot of soloists are doing. The imagery of the music videos and the sound engineering used has been unique and very outside of the box. Personally, she’s been a consistent favorite of mine since her first release, “Loop”, last year.

This song has been on repeat since it hit my playlist! Her voice and melody of the music almost melt together in a way, which makes my ears very happy. Sure, I still wonder what the song is actually about, but who cares! It’s good music, and it would’ve been a crime if it wasn’t on my list for this year.

3.) “Smashing Concrete” – WOODZ

When I tell you I was so excited to see that WOODZ was back from the military making music (!!!) it felt like it was 2023 all over again, crying over “Drowning” being performed at his concert. When X1 first disbanded in early 2020, WOODZ made his “unofficial official” solo debut (he was a soloist prior to being on Produce X 101) later that summer, having more of a true “K-pop solo artist” type of sound. He has always been the type of artist to experiment with different sounds, and no two songs sound alike on that album. His later albums sort of stepped away from that K-pop sound and into a K-R&B one, to then a K-Rock sound. His rock sound has been my absolute favorite simply because he has the vocal pipes for them.

I’m so excited that WOODZ is back making music, and I look forward to see what he comes up with in the future. WOODZ was my first ult bias (before Seungsik came along), and has been an artist I enjoyed because of the sheer talent he has. Not only does he sing, he composes, produces, and writes his own music. To me (and I know many other people agree), WOODZ is one of those special artists; one that puts their stamp on the industry and is notable when not in it.

2.) “LIKE JENNIE” – Jennie

Dare I say this is the only song on this list from my July top 5 list? If I had to pick a favorite album that was released in 2025, Jennie’s Ruby would be my first answer. Jennie, being known as one of the members of K-pop girl group BLACKPINK, made her solo debut (under her own company, btw) in March 2025. When she teased “Like Jennie” in her highlight medley for her album, the internet simultaneously gagged. It was a song that was truly fitting to Jennie’s sound and image, going back to her rapping days on possibly one of the sickest beats in a song this year.

With this popularity comes people with their opinionated judgement, constantly commenting on something she says or does. She never publicly responded until releasing this song, which was pretty much like a fuck you to the people who talk about her. Because it’s true; everyone finds themselves comparing their standard in K-pop popularity to Jennie’s.

Also, don’t anybody come for me for saying this, but her album (to me) was the album out of all the BLACKPINK girlies that became an instant hit at first listen. Seriously, it’s such a good album!

1.) “Here All Night” – Demi Lovato

Since being 14 years old, listening to Demi singing her ass off on Disney in 2008, I always felt like she would become my next favorite artist. (Of course, Kelly Clarkson will forever be my main). Demi has also been an artist that had tried different genres throughout her career: pop-rock, pop, dance, R&B, rock; you name it. Her 2022 release, Holy Fvck, was my number 1 pick that year, as I always enjoyed Demi’s rock sound. I even went to her concert later that year, experiencing for the first time hearing her vocals live. With that album, she discussed a lot of her struggles from over the years: her drug abuse, overdose, and thoughts on what life has felt like since being sober. It was like listening to her own personal journal at the time, so when her got lighter with support, new management, and found love, it was understandable that her music would be more upbeat, going back to her pop days after metaphorically holding a funeral for her pop music.

“Here All Night”, Demi’s second single from her recent release It’s Not That Deep is a fun, dance-pop song. The lyrics paint this picture of a person who, for lack of a better term, was ghosted by the person they were romantically connected with, and to get over the heartbreak, they go to the club to dance all night, hoping the music makes them feel better. Even after listening to her entire album, this song is still my favorite, and I cannot wait to see her again on tour in Spring 2026!

There was so many good songs that didn’t make it to this list, so here are the honorable mentions of 2025:

  • “THIS IS FOR” – TWICE
  • “Perfectly Imperfect” – Kang Seungsik
  • “Summer” – Lim Sejun
  • “House Tour” – Sabrina Carpenter
  • “Can You Entertain?” – Kim Lip
  • “BURNING UP” – MEOVV
  • “Blue Valentine” – NMIXX
  • “Gameboy” – KATSEYE
  • “Abracadabra” – Lady Gaga
  • “BEBE” – STAYC
  • “No Need To Talk” – Jonas Brothers
  • “GALA” – XG
  • “ExtraL” – Jennie (feat. Doechii)
  • “ZEN – Jennie
  • “JUMP” – BLACKPINK
  • “Gnarly” – KATSEYE
  • “Manchild” – Sabrina Carpenter
  • “out of body” – Khalid
Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2025

Day 1: Reintroduction, 2025 Edition.

liz

Dear, letter readers – it’s that time of year again!

First and foremost, welcome back to Letters From Liz. I am beyond grateful that 9 years later, there are people on the internet that actually read my blog in this little corner of it. The blog has definitely shifted within the last couple of years, but one thing has always remained the same:

Ladies and gents, it’s the most wonderful time of the year!

Just like every year, we start off the first day doing an informal reintroduction, just in case there are new readers that may not know the person behind the different series on here. Oh! And if you’re interested in reading last year’s Lizmas posts, you can read them here.

Without further ado: Hi! My name is Liz!

First and foremost, I was diagnosed with OCD during the Summer. I think the biggest thing that changed for me this year was that I finally got some answers to some questions I used to deem as unanswerable… or just deemed them as personality quirks. Just with any diagnosis out of the blue, I didn’t believe that I actually had it. I had this misconception that OCD was truly how it was depicted in the media, and for me it was nothing like that. The more research I did and the more I sat with this diagnosis, I’ve realized that the behaviors and thoughts I deemed as a part of my personality was OCD diagnosing itself in “quirks”. I did not realize that mental compulsions, rumination, people-pleasing and seeking reassurance were all a part of the OCD cycle. Being the only person I personally know to have OCD, it was hard to see how it looked like on other people. It wasn’t depression or social anxiety, and a lot of the learning came with really sitting down with my thoughts and talking them out loud. Personally, I find myself getting clarity through a mobile app that was specifically designed for OCD. It allows me to fully talk out what’s going through my mind, while getting specific answers and guidance on how to navigate an episode.

It hasn’t been easy to manage, as it questions nearly everything coping mechanism and technique I’ve used to ease my mood and anxiety. It’s literally me retraining my brain, unlearning everything I thought was true, correct, and real. I’ve had my ups and downs, especially over the summer when I was still trying to figure things out with the new diagnosis. But! I’m now taking medicine to help with the compulsions, especially the ones that involve my hair. In the time I’m writing this (shoutouts to November being a quiet month for me in the office so I can write and prep posts, haha) I am growing out my eyebrows (again), and keeping my hair growth goal in mind every time I get the urge to pull, cut, or dye it impulsively.

I’ve fully embraced my sports side and now officially a baseball girly. Last postseason, the 2024 New York Mets (aka the NY team I was born into liking because of my dad) had considerably created history by not being even remotely close to making the postseason to then making it all the way to the NLCS; aka the “semi-finals” of major league baseball. The postseason was so inspiring to watch that I was extra excited for the 2025 baseball season. Guys… I followed the entire season and had my heart broken when the Mets missed the postseason by ONE game. It’s okay though; I realized that I just really like baseball! I truly think for the 2026 season, I am definitely going to some more games; the one game I went to this past season with my dad was so much fun! (Despite the Mets losing to the Tampa Bay Rays and it being cold and rainy).

I’m always excited to discover something new that I like, and I haven’t felt this way since the pandemic, being in the K-Pop community. This time, I was able to share this interest with my partner and actually sit down on some nights to watch the different baseball games on. It feels good to finally be accepting to a new interest or hobby without making it my entire personality, y’know?

Gosh, what else can I say?

I am continuing to navigate my 30s by balancing adulthood with my youth. One thing I’ve noticed about my 30s is that it’s looking a lot different than my 20s. In my 20s, I was taking life a little too serious without having the necessary resources. I was still a student, I didn’t have any prior work experience, and I was still battling my mental health in the midst of trying to find my identity. These days, I find myself being a little ease with life, truly taking it one day at a time without the pressure of needing to have everything figured out. Sure, there’s tons of things I need to learn and manage better (money, I’m looking right at you), but I can honestly say that my 30s have been some of the best years I’ve had because I have such a better understanding on who I am without–yes, this is also OCD related— believing I’m doing everything wrong.

As always, here re some other facts about me that have not changed:

  • I’m a proud owner of two of the cutest boy cats, as well as a 6-year old turtle that likes to stare at himself in the mirror on his rock.
  • I’m still living in NYC, which still will never change…but maybe I’ll finally live on my own in the future!
  • I have a ton of tattoos; some dedicated to my time being a K-Pop stan (many of them being related to my ultimate favorite K-Pop group, Victon). Do I want more tattoos? Of course, what kind of millennial would I be?
  • I no longer do penpal writing, but still use my calligraphy skills to make up beautiful holiday cards for my job and birthday cards for my loved ones.
  • I still spend a lot of my time outside of my 9 to 5 hanging out, exploring new places to eat with my partner or simply checking out a place I’ve passed by on walks and such. One of my favorite finds this year was CityPoint BKLYN, an underground simulation of what a food street market looks like! Another highlight of a day adventure involves being in Fort Greene on the day that Spike Lee had this whole pop-up, meet-and-greet event over the summer. Although I didn’t go to many concerts this year, I made it up with more local events and attending gigs with my partner.
  • Although I still find a lot of my interests changing (reading back to last year’s post, I guess I was getting into the Pokémon trading card world, which sadly I grew out of quickly, haha), I’m still very glad that I am open to trying (and liking) new things. I discovered a lot of new music I like, a lot of hobbies I like to do in my down time, and even reintroduce some of my old hobbies (like listening to the K-pop groups I liked before leaving the community). It helps me debunk this theory that constantly changing your interests or hobbies makes you “fake” or “disingenuous”.

And that’s about it! Although a lot hasn’t changed between last year and now, I truly feel like I am learning and growing each and every year I reflect and write these posts.

Anyway, cheers to the next 11 days of Lizmas! Stay tuned for more writing series, and some more of the traditional Lizmas type posts. See you back here tomorrow!

The Teenage Monologues: Season 3

Aaron’s Mollie VS. Milo’s Mollie: A Mollie Monologue.

liz

My mind has about 30 different tabs open, and I don’t know what to focus on. I’m sitting in a room in the West Wing, bouncing my leg anxiously as I wait for Aaron’s band teacher call us up to the stage. I didn’t realize just how theatrical these showcases are compared to the regular concerts everyone else does. From my understanding, dual major showcases have recruiters in the audience. Apparently, if they are interested in a certain student, they can sponsor them for the school they wish to go to when they graduate. Depending how early on they sponsor you, the better chances you had on making an impact in the industry you desire to work in.

I only know all of this because of Aaron. His rehearsals have been pretty intense as today got closer. He wasn’t the Aaron that would reassure me if I missed a note or forgot a lyric in the song. He was now the “get it right the first time I tell you” Aaron that rubbed me off the wrong way. It was confusing, once we were alone and out of practice, he was the Aaron I knew. The Aaron I loved.

The door opens and I immediately stand up, thinking it was Aaron or Mr. Harrison to tell us we were up. I tilted my head when I realized it was not either one of them; it was Milo.

“What are you doing here–” I began to question, but Milo had other plans for this interaction.

“You told your stupid boyfriend?” Milo immediately asked. I scrunched my brows together, feeling even more confused than before.

“What?”

“Don’t play stupid, Mollie,” Milo spat out. “That shit isn’t gonna work this time.

“I don’t know what the hell you’re even talking about,” I finally said, getting annoyed now.

“I thought the least we could do is still respect each other,” Milo said. “And now I have your boyfriend threaten to call Sophie out of her name because you decided to tell him her business.”

“Wait, you think I told Aaron about you and Sophie?” I genuinely asked.

“He knows, Mollie,” Milo emphasized. “He literally just told me the exact same thing that I told you to keep to yourself.”

“I didn’t tell him–” I tried to explain to Milo. I tried to explain to Milo that I meant that I said I wouldn’t tell anyone about what they did. Who the hell told Aaron? “You sure Sophie isn’t opening her mouth and telling people?”

“Sophie’s not like that,” Milo answered, angry that I would’ve even say something like that about her.

“Oh, but you think it’s like me to tell someone a secret that I told you I wouldn’t tell?” I rationalized. Not only was I feeling attacked in this conversation, but now I felt like I was being antagonized for something that I didn’t do.

“I don’t know who you are anymore, Mollie! I don’t know if you told him out of anger, or out of spite, or if you and Aaron are so miserable that you guys get off talking about other people and their lives!” I looked at Milo as he spoke, trying so hard to not let him get the best of me. I’m trying so hard to not cry in this moment; not because I was overwhelmed with everything that’s happening, but because Milo believed I was this horrible human being. Nothing I could say would change his mind.

“Believe what you want to believe, Milo. I don’t care,” I said, defeated.

“So you’re not going to admit telling him? You’re gonna stand here and pretty much tell me that you broke a promise, and now Sophie is probably going to stop talking to me because you couldn’t keep your mouth shut?”

Before I could respond, Mr. Harrison opens the door to the room. He looks at Milo before looking at me.

“Aaron is on stage already, the set begins in 10 minutes,” Mr. Harrison says to me. “Milo, didn’t I tell you to stay with your team?” Milo didn’t say anything else. He simply walked past Mr. Harrison and out toward the hallway. I’m still trying to fight back tears.

I find my way towards the stage, seeing Aaron and his band prepping the instruments before the set starts. I simply walk to the microphone stand and adjust the height of it, not saying a word.

“Alright Mols,” Aaron walks over to say as he gets his guitar strap on. “We’re going to change the setlist due to the limited time we have; I think it would be best to perform ‘So Long, Goodnight” instead.” I don’t say anything back, and for once… Aaron doesn’t notice. He shouts to the rest of the band, letting us know of the change.

“This is our moment, guys,” Aaron shouts to us. “We have the potential to get recruited tonight; something that we’ve been working hard for so long. He have the most potential out of all of these performers tonight, so let’s show them what they want to see, alright?!”

“Got it, bro!” Both the guys responded back. Aaron looks at me and walks up to me like a military agent of some sort.

“Alright?!” Aaron yells out at me. I look up to him, seeing fragments of the person Milo said he was. He’s just using you so that his band can go far. He’s more in love with his band than his actual girlfriend. “You hear me, Castro?!”

Castro? Maybe it was true. One single tear ran down my right eye as I looked at Aaron, unable to see the boy I fell in love with anymore.

“Shit,” Aaron said as he checked his phone, getting up from the couch in the studio. He zips up his hoodie and begins to gather his stuff. Another time that Aaron and I got close to finally having or first time, ruined due another meeting of some sorts. “Dean is calling me.”

“Of course he is,” I said, getting up as I put my blouse back on. Aaron doesn’t say anything back; he walks away and answers the call. I looked around this studio space that I’ve become so custom to being in; if we weren’t in here rehearsing for some show, it was Aaron and I hanging out, in hopes that maybe this would finally be the time it happens.

Aaron walks back over to me, ending the call as he gets closer. He looks down at me to reach for his bag that I was supposedly sitting next to. “I have to meet Dean at his office to talk about some business stuff–“

“Again?” I asked, annoyed that this has become the new norm for Aaron and I. I simply don’t remember the last time we even went somewhere without it being band related. “How much business stuff can you guys talk about?”

“There’s more to the band than you see, Mols,” Aaron commented as he put his jacket on. “You get to do the fun part of it.” He smiled at me. I couldn’t help but sigh, knowing what that smile does to me.

“You promise that we’ll hang out afterwards? Just me and you?” I stood up in front of him, straightening the collar of his jacket. “Without talking about the band?”

“Of course,” Aaron smiled as he kissed my forehead. “Once I handle this business and get everything in order, we’re going to have the best time ever. We’re so close to getting what we want, Mols. We’re in this together.” His reassurance made me smile.

“Text me when you’re around,” I said. Aaron nods his head before his cellphone rang again. He turns around and walks out, answering the call. He never did text me that day.

“Yeah,” I said with tears in my eyes. Aaron’s eyes softened when I said. We both turned our head once we hear Mr. Harrison speak on the other side of the stage.

“Next on our program, we have Aaron Serrano from our freshman class. Outside of Waverly, he is the lead guitarist of his very own band, Quiet Division. Accompanying him tonight is freshman vocalist, Mollie Sue Castro.” The curtain opens and I see the audience.

The curtain opens and I see the audience. Standing on the stage in my dance outfit, I take a deep breath.

I stand on the stage with Aaron and his band, letting out a deep breath.

I smile as I spot Aaron in the audience, watching me dance at my recital. The first person I ever allowed to come to one of my shows. He smiles back, and I begin to dance.

I let the remainder of the tears fall down my cheeks before I hear Aaron play the chords of the song.

y2katalogue: The Tapes

Tape #50: … They Crash and Burn.

liz

Jennifer sits on the sidelines of the auditorium next to her dance members within her academy. It’s the night of the end of year recital; something she’s been working on in addition to her school activities. She bounces her leg in place, nervous as she watches the other dancers perform their numbers on stage. She continues to look back into the audience, still only noticing her family, and Nicki with Danny a couple of rows behind them. She shakes her head, annoyed that the one person she wants to be here, isn’t.

…

A couple of hours before the show, Jennifer is getting ready in her bedroom, listening to music on a tiny speaker as she focuses on putting her hair in numerous Bobby pins. There is a slight knock on the door, in which enters Nicki.

Nicki: Look at the pretty ballerina!

Jennifer: *rolls her eyes* I do more than just ballet, Nic.

Nicki: I know, but your hair is in the tightest sock bun I think I’ve ever seen on a person, and I should know since I have AP English with Mrs. Peter’s.

Jennifer looks at the door, which makes Nicki turn around to look as well.

Jennifer: Milo, it’s okay to come in; no girls are naked in this room.

Nicki: Milo’s not here.

Jennifer scrunches her brow, looking at Nicki.

Jennifer: You didn’t meet him at his place?

Nicki: *shakes her head* Mrs. Kamalani said he wasn’t home. Maybe he’s meeting us at the show?

Jennifer: He always meets me here before a show… where the hell did he even go?

Jennifer grabs her phone from her vanity and flips it open. She notices that Milo isn’t signed on in AIM.

Jennifer: This is so weird; he never signs off of AIM; that’s how we communicate…

Nicki: Maybe he’s just doing something before he comes to the show. You know Milo has never missed one of your dance shows.

Jennifer ponders in thought before she sighs, continuing to do her hair and makeup.

Nicki: Forget about Milo; is Nate going to your show?

Jennifer: He said he can’t; him and his family are in New Jersey right now.

Nicki notices Jennifer’s excitement on her face fade away, Nicki takes it upon herself to turn the chair around to face her. Jennifer looks up at Nicki.

Nicki: Things happen, Pep. It doesn’t mean it should make you less excited for your dance performance. I know how hard you worked on this piece.

Jennifer: Yeah, but what good is it even if your best friend is M.I.A and the guy that you like can’t make it?

Nicki bends forward to give Jennifer a hug.

Nicki: You have me and Danny cheering you on! It’s not the entire group, but we’ll be loud enough so that it feels like the entire group is there.

Jennifer smiles and returns the hug before Nicki steps back.

Jennifer: Is he out in the hallway because he’s afraid there’s naked girls in here?

Nicki: Oh no, he’s meeting us there; I told him I needed some girl time with you before your show.

The girls laugh as Nicki turns Jennifer’s chair back around, helping her put in the last hair clips in Jennifer’s hair.

…

The audience claps their hands after the first dance number is done. The girls on stage bow before exiting to the right side of the stage. Jennifer’s dance teacher comes out toward the stage with a microphone.

Madison: Thank you ladies for that beautiful rendition of Fergie’s “Big Girls Don’t Cry.” Next on our program, we have another one of our girls from our senior division dancing a lovely contemporary piece to Kelly Clarkson’s “Beautiful Disaster”. Give a round of applause to Jennifer Ann Castro!

The audience claps, with a few voices cheering as Jennifer walks out on stage. She looks out toward the audience one last time, hoping to see Milo in the back somewhere. The music starts. She doesn’t see him.

Jennifer dances her piece, hitting every beat with each move that she rehearsed. Her mind is everywhere but on the dance floor. In the audience, Nicki watches Jennifer, noticing how distracted she looks on stage. Danny rubs Nicki shoulder for reassurance.

Jennifer finishes her piece, and the audience begins to applaud. Her family stand up to give her a standing ovation. Jennifer bows solemnly as she exits to the right side of the stage.

…

Nicki, Danny, and Jennifer sit in a booth at the pizza parlor. Nothing is said between the three friends, but Nicki looks at Danny for some guidance with this situation. Danny clears his throat, looking forward at Jennifer.

Danny: Your dance was really nice, Pep.

Jennifer: Thanks.

Danny and Nicki look at each other, bickering on what to say next.

Jennifer: You guys don’t need to try to make it better, you know.

Nicki: Pep, you’re clearly upset that Milo didn’t show.

Jennifer: *angry* He didn’t even message me to tell me he wasn’t going! He never missed a show without telling me!

Nicki: It had to have been something serious then.

Jennifer scrunches her eyebrows together as she looks at Nicki.

Jennifer: Are you seriously taking his side right now?

Nicki: *defensive* I’m not taking sides, Pep; I’m trying to rationalize why he would do what he did—

Jennifer: Because he’s a horrible fucking best friend! It’s as simple as that!

Nicki: *sighs* You guys just got on good terms…

Danny: *to Jennifer* I may not know the exact extent of you and Milo’s friendship, but that guy cares about you a lot.

The two girls look at Danny.

Danny: I’m just stating what I’ve seen.

Jennifer: You know what I’ve seen? Milo spending all his free time with Gwen.

Nicki: What do you mean?

Jennifer: Come on, Nic. An idiot can see that whenever Milo isn’t with us, he’s with her. *annoyed* If you didn’t introduce him to her, he probably would’ve made it to the show.

Nicki: *annoyed* Don’t put that on me, I’m sure Milo would’ve spoke to her considering they play in the same section in band…

Danny puts his hands out, trying to be the peacemaker.

Danny: We’re not blaming no one but Milo for his actions, guys. *to Pep* I’m just saying that knowing what I’ve seen from Milo, he cares about you a lot and probably has a good reason why he missed the show tonight—

Jennifer: Oh, I guess you’re taking the side of the person who thought you were a piece of shit after what happened last year—

Nicki: Pep—

Jennifer: *sighs* Look, I appreciate you guys for coming to the show tonight. I know it may not look like it now, but I really do appreciate it. I just… want to be left alone for a bit before I go home.

Nicki and Danny look at each other before Nicki ultimately stands up. Danny gathers their stuff as Nicki looks at Jennifer.

Nicki: Just let us know when you get in the house, Pep.

Nicki and Danny are about to leave the pizza parlor when the door opens. Coincidentally, Milo enters the pizza parlor, surprised to see Nicki and Danny standing here. Milo looks at the booth before the two teens exit the parlor. Milo slowly walks over to the booth where Jennifer is sitting. She looks up at Milo before she rolls her eyes dismissively.

Milo: Pep–

Jennifer: Oh wow; look who finally showed up after being M.I.A for the entire day! Seriously, why are you even here? To apologize?

Milo: Pep…

Jennifer: *not listening* I didn’t know it was hard to send out a simple message letting me know you couldn’t make it, or is that asking for too much from the person that’s supposed to be my best friend–

Milo: I… I know, and I’m sorry; really…

Jennifer: You never missed a show! You’re always there in the crowd cheering me on and we always go and get pizza afterwards and then we walk home and hang out and *takes in a deep breath* You promised things wouldn’t change between us, no matter what.

Milo doesn’t say anything, he just looks at Jennifer with a certain look. She takes notice of it. It wasn’t an apologetic look; his face was pale and ill-looking. She scrunches her eyebrows together.

Jennifer: Why do you look like that?

Milo takes in a deep breath and shifts in his seat. Jennifer’s brows soften, realizing that something else is going on.

Jennifer: Milo?

Milo finally looks at Jennifer. He takes a moment before his eyes revert back toward the table, letting out a deep breath.

Milo: Gwen’s pregnant.

–End of Tape, EJECT.–