Author: liz

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

My name is Liz, and I have Social Anxiety Disorder; I mention this at least twice a month on my blog, don’t look so surprised. What does that look like you might ask? Well, it started out as a fear of traveling on public transportation, then as a fear of leaving my house, and although I’ve been getting better at managing it, there are some things I don’t think I’ll ever get good at. Yes, that means my mother is still the person in my life making important appointments for me. Yes, I cannot order my own food over the phone. And yes, I still get anxious interacting with people. 

So how does one person with SAD live their lives in a social matter? Well, it’s different for every case.

Some people are more outspoken than others, while some are just extremely afraid of human interaction and feel most comfortable being by themselves. I like to believe I am in the middle: I enjoy my alone time way too much to the point I forget to socialize every once in a while, and when I do, I pretty much become okay with interaction.

My biggest struggle in life, though, is friendships. I don’t have many of them.

You see, my social anxiety has a hard time believing that long-distance friendships can work and that it’s not awkward to keep in touch with people you don’t see on a regular basis. I don’t tend to lose friends because I want to, it happens because not everyone is going to understand how SAD works for you, and that’s fine; you can’t make people understand why it’s hard to keep in touch. Also, my social anxiety tends to make me look like a shitty person because I’m not a consistent person with people. What I mean by that is I could have a whole conversation with you at the moment just because I’m comfortable, but if you catch me at a time where my anxiety is absolutely through the fucking roof, I’ll talk to you like you’re a stranger again. This type of scenario happened a lot during my college and grad school days, simply because semesters come and go and you may not ever see them again… until you guys take another class together again. My point being is that friendships are still the trickiest thing for me to understand.

So, how do you keep friends while having SAD? It also depends on the person who has it.

For me, I don’t have many friends because I just have major trust issues with people and I’m super overprotective with myself around new people who want to become friends with me. I don’t mind being cordial with acquaintances that have the same agenda as me, but when I feel like someone actually wants to be my friend, I shut down and I run away. Maybe that’s due to my trauma, maybe it’s SAD; who knows?

But the friends I keep (aka my partner and college friend that now lives across the damn east coast) must understand how SAD works for me. With that comes communication and agreements, really, that sometimes I’m going to be a shitty friend because of SAD but for the most part, I will be absolutely loyal to you as a friend. I always use my friend, Tori, as an example of someone who gets it; we may not see each other for a while and we may only do some text message check-ins every once in a while, but she knows that keeping in touch is extremely uncomfortable for me at times, and she understands that I order to help me be comfortable, the atmosphere stays the same. In other words, we both grew up since our days in college Acting, but the vibe our friendship has never left. And as with my partner, well, there’s a whole set of other things that play a role when you are involved with someone romantically.

The most important thing I am learning as a person with SAD is that people don’t know that they are truly signing up to become friends with two people instead of one. Anxiety, especially on a clinical level, is really living your life as a Jekyll and Hyde. One of them is truly you, the quirks and smiles and the relatable, likable side that likes to socialize and be around people, but then there’s the other side, her name is Anxietina, that truly wants to keep you all for herself and have control of the body that you both live in. You don’t have to be a person with depression or anxiety to completely understand the duality, but recognize that someone with SAD struggles with this other entity every single day. I know I do.

I may not be the greatest example of a person with a social life that has SAD, but I know there are so many people out there who are the leader of their friend groups and still deal with some levels of social anxiety. As someone with SAD, we always want to be able to be social with other people; what’s the fun of just being by yourself all of the time? We just have a harder time with some areas of life than others, and that’s okay.

So, what is the ultimate guide to friendship, told by a person with SAD?

There is none.

It’s about being able to challenge your anxiety, as well as respect it in order for others to respect it. Not every friend will, and not every time will you be able to challenge your anxiety, but hey – that’s the beauty of learning and growth. 

Also, it’s about remembering to be yourself.

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

Today’s post is going to be short and sweet: I wanted to share some music with you guys! I know it’s been a while since I shared the music I’ve been listening to on the blog, but I always found it a lot easier to share the playlists I’m listening to on here, so here I am – posting my playlists to help you get through the week!

Whether you are a KPop fan or an old-school fan, these playlists will help you guys get up on your feet and get your day started!

Here’s to a new week of opportunities, life, and progress!

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

It’s been a crazy couple of weeks for many reasons, but the main reason is that I’m finally going on some job interviews! I’m extremely grateful that after a year of not getting anything set in stone, I’m finally starting to hear back from some places and getting offered job interviews!

I had my first interview after 5 months of nothing in the middle of July for a program that is located in Harlem. Of course, I was nervous, excited, anxious, everything normal to feel for something like this, and I prepared myself to the point where I felt most confident. This was also not like any interview; this was a group interview, and from what I heard from others: they aren’t good. They suck.

Coming out of it and now having the time to reflect on it, I am learning a lot about myself in the process. At the time I am writing this, I have interviews booked for the upcoming month and I’m taking what I’m learning about job interviews and myself to not only help me professionally but personally as well!

I’m definitely learning that work experience may not always be what people are looking for. As a person who decided to fully commit to their studies, I don’t have a lot of the work experience that jobs may be looking for. My credentials are in my education, to be honest. I may not be the smartest person in the world, but I’m confident with the knowledge I have and the degrees I received. I ultimately want to work within the college setting or any academic community, and I believe that my studies and my passions back me up when going into these interviews. I’ve learned that this group interview that many of these candidates really do come from different walkways of life, and although you may not have the experience your other candidates have, you have something that these people liked.

With that being said, I’m learning not to be so hard on myself because of my lack of working experience. While this particular job requires a lot of social working skills, it requires a lot of knowledge regarding education and how to treat students within an academic setting. I’m learning that I, too, have something to offer, and maybe that what an employer may want.

In addition to that, I’m also learning how to ask for help when I need it. My job hunting process was very limited in regards to people knowing my process and progress, but there’s nothing wrong with asking someone for help or advice about job hunting and interviews. My former professor, who is now my friend and mentor, has given me tons of professional tips while my partner has helped me with a lot of the social things that comes with the job. I honestly feel like because of this, I am able to feel more comfortable in talking about these things that were once private to me, y’know? In any situation, it’s okay to ask for help or for advice; it doesn’t mean you failed on your own!

Lastly, I’m learning how to introduce myself out to the world. Yes, my blog also helps me out as well, but I’m learning how to introduce myself professionally. In other words, I’m learning where I want to be and who I want to be in this world. After having to introduce myself through cover letters, job applications and job interviews, I’m getting a better understanding of what it means to introduce yourself in a professional matter.

Anyway, I’m very excited to see where this journey goes! I hope ya girl is employed and rejoiced very soon! Even more so, I’m excited to grow from these experiences.

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

During last year’s Blogust, I reacted to an old poem that I wrote back in 2012, and I found it both fascinated and embarrassed to look back at the travesty that was my work.

Guess who’s back to do it again!

The poem that I’m reacting to this time around was a shitty one nevertheless entitled, “Charm Bracelet”. It wasn’t that great back then if we’re going to be honest here – but I wanted to share this one because I feel like a lot of the things said in here I thought were true, and reading it back, you could clearly see that I wasn’t my own mascot during these times. The references to killing myself in all of my poetry back then were just read as being an “angsty teen”, but man, I truly did forget just how much of a bad place I was in while writing this poetry. Maybe that’s why I don’t write it anymore? 

Anyway, “Charm Bracelet” is a metaphor for the labels and qualities you carry around with you in life. I guess my teenage self thought that I was always wearing my labels on me like different charms of a bracelet, while everyone was seeing it. Anyway, here’s this very interesting poem:

Continue reading “Day 8: 25-Year-Old Liz Reacting to Old Poetry I Wrote… Again.” →

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

Being in our twenties, we are still trying to figure out our place in the world and what it ultimately means to be ourselves. While some people figure those things out faster than others, it’s still such an important milestone to discover when you are living in your 20’s.

But getting to know yourself means getting to know your limits, boundaries, morals, values, and the things that just make up the entity of you. In other words, we become more self-aware with the things that in the past we were not able to fully comprehend. Maybe we were embarrassed to be a certain way in our teens, maybe you felt shameful for being a certain type of person; whatever the case may be, we just simply don’t care about what image we have and ultimately take care of ourselves when we are more self-aware. Therapy has helped me become more aware of myself over the past year, and because of it, I do have a lot of restrictions and boundaries I’ve created because I just have a better understanding of what I like and don’t like. I have a pretty good idea that if you guys are anything like me, your boundaries and restrictions are set up in the same way.

That doesn’t mean we are complaining.

As I’m writing this, we are currently going through a heatwave in NYC. I’ve known for years how much I don’t enjoy the summer; I get sick easily, I’m more depressed in the summer, I seem to never be cooled down, and I’m a lot more cranky and isolated during the hotter months. Because of this, I tend to trap myself in my air-conditioned room and let the day pass by. Of course, it’s not the healthiest thing to do, but it’s the way that I cope. Yes, I will tell you that I’m not coming out because it’s too hot. Yes, I will tell you I didn’t run my errands because it was too hot. Yes, I will not do a damn thing in this damn heat because it’s too fucking hot.

While I understand that everyone is feeling it the same way I am, my body is going to respond the way that it’s going to respond, and it’s my job to listen to her when she needs assistance. If I feel light-headed and dizzy and that I can’t breathe, I’m going to sit down and rest for the day. If I feel a little on-edge this particular day, I’m sorry but I’m just having a bad day. If I’m fine one minute and then all of a sudden I’m having an anxiety attack, my internal world stops in order to assist my body in whatever she may need to get out of that situation. I’m not trying to say that my problems are uniquely my own, I’m saying that I respond to them the way that I do, that’s all.

Of course, to the public eye, restrictions and boundaries are sometimes translated into “I can’t”, which again, isn’t the worst thing in the world. Saying no or that you can’t doesn’t mean you have a negative perspective on things, it just sometimes means at this moment, your boundaries or restrictions are not looking for any wiggle room. Yeah, that could change in the future, but at this exact moment, I’m listening to what my body needs and I’m going to put her first.

We are just self-aware of the things we can handle and what we can’t at this moment, so please be respectful of that. For many of us, this self-awareness took years to be discovered and heard and we are still new and unfamiliar with its contexts. Don’t just assume we are “complaining” about our problems or having a negative perspective on something. We are just human, and we always have room to grow.

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

I hope everyone is enjoying their summer thus far; whether you’re working, in summer school, or just cooped up in the house, I hope everyone is enjoying the warmer weather in their own way! Of course, if you are a person who gets a bit depressed in the warmer seasons, then I hope you are finding (healthy) ways to beat that depression and enjoy yourself!

As a person who’s been very active in their own mental health awareness within the last year, I’ve noticed that there are just times where I feel an intense wave of sadness. I could have a really awesome day before, and then the next day comes and it’s a complete 180. Sometimes, I am able to identify the things that get me sad, meaning that at times, my sadness acts as a reaction, but there are just times when I have no idea what is causing this sudden wave of sadness. The people around you will continuously ask you what’s wrong, yet you don’t even know what’s wrong yourself.

As a person battling their own waves of depression, I’m here to tell those who may be battling it themselves AND the people who may not understand it that sadness is first and foremost an emotion, and like other emotions, it is about the chemicals in your brain.

The average person normally looks at depression as just sadness, which to a certain extent is true. Although depression is simply not just sadness, it is a contributing part yet it isn’t always because something is happening or because something has happened to us. Sadness, like happiness, can occur at any moment. While we can be happy and content for no apparent reason, the same applies to sadness, and that’s because both emotions are caused by chemicals in our brain.

When we are feeling happy, we have a lot of serotonin going on in our brain, because serotonin is a “feel good” type of chemical. Dopamine, another chemical in our brain, is sorta the same thing, but it plays more on our pleasure elements in our emotions. In anxiety, our dopamine is low because instead of enjoying ourselves, we are very fearful and worrisome, whereas in Schizophrenia it’s extremely high, often leaving people with the disorder having a grandioso persona of themselves, and having a feeling of invincibility as well. In depression, both our dopamine and serotonin are low, which causes us not to just feel sad, but unmotivated to do anything as well. It’s why you hear many people with depression having a hard time getting out of bed, struggling to pass their courses, and even keep their jobs. Having MDD (major depression disorder) is actually considered a disability because in severe cases, it leaves people unable to function in society.

But in less severe cases, like mine, I just sometimes get sad out of nowhere without knowing the true meaning behind it, and I’ve learned to accept it for what it is. “Yeah, I’m feeling sad in this exact moment, and even if I don’t know why I’m sad, I know I’ll be okay.”

To an extent, I’m saying that it’s okay to be sad. It truly is; we wouldn’t be human if we didn’t experience the ups and downs of our emotions. It happens, but like happiness, IT’S TEMPORARY AND THINGS WILL GET BETTER. Acknowledge your unspecified sadness and realize it’s just an emotion; not everything in life has an answer, so why would your emotions have one too? As a society, we are so caught up on the fact that if we are sad, it’s because something made us sad when truly, that’s only half of the reason! We could be sad because, at this exact moment, our chemicals in our brain are not running high and that’s okay! It will go up again! Stop trying to figure out what is wrong with you when you don’t know what it may be; truth be told, forcing a reason for you to be sad is just going to actually make you even sadder.

Make it apparent to yourself and those around you that just because you may be feeling sad today, it doesn’t mean it’s the end of the world and it doesn’t mean that you are “broken and have to be fixed.”

For me, it took me a while to stop trying to find out the reason that I was feeling sad whenever there wasn’t no true reason behind it. Yes, there were times when I was sad and there was a reason, but I honestly accepted sadness as its own entity when I accepted that it’s just another human emotion, and there will be days when I feel it, and there will be other days when I don’t. It’s that simple. 

So, the next time someone in your life notices that you’re sad and asks you what’s wrong, just tell them, “Nothing’s wrong, really. I’m just feeling sad today, but I’ll be okay.”

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

Yes, it’s a SAS post, and yes, I know it’s not Saturday. For Blogust, SAS posts are on Sunday for the time being, so hi, welcome back!

Again, I really must thank my therapy sessions for inspiring me for these type of posts; I learn a lot about myself and life in general through those sessions, and they make really good content to share with you guys!

In the last couple of weeks, I’ve been having to recap some of the major milestones I’ve made since first going to therapy and document if I’ve personally seen any change regarding my anxiety and depression. At first, it was a little difficult. I was only able to think of things at the top of my head like “being more assertive” and “more self-aware of my mental health”, and it honestly took someone who’s only known me for 4 months to tell me more about myself than I could. She explained to me that victories and victories, no matter how big or small they may be. While yeah, that’s true and all, we have to define what’s truly something big and that’s something small, and she described it in the most perfect way: “sometimes, when something is not tangible, we tend to forget that those things still exist, so when we talk about victories, those things that you unknowingly worked on are considered victories as well. 

So, here we are for this SAS post.

The little things I looked over, like being able to trust and express a little more and having a better balance of my feelings and the feelings of my loved ones are some of the things I’ve worked on without truly ever realizing it. Looking back, I don’t remember the last time I didn’t say nor do something just so I didn’t hurt anyone’s feelings. I don’t remember staying silent about something just to protect someone else’s feelings. I also don’t remember the last time I allowed my anxiety to say “no, we’re not going to that social gathering”. Also, I don’t remember the last time I told my therapist that “no one understands me.”

This idea of documenting the intangible victories applies to more than just the mental health victories you’ll make. Feeling defeated because it seems like the hard work you put in your projects or agendas isn’t paying off? The fact that you keep coming back every single day to just try is a victory. The fact that you’re putting things into action is a victory within itself. Feeling like your goals are too far away to reach even after actively working on them? You still working on achieving your goals is a victory; you didn’t give up!

At the end of the day, you really can’t be too hard on yourself for only seeing the major victories in your life. Most of the time, the big ones can only happen if the small ones are constantly being met, so take things one step at a time! I must say this every time there’s a post about this, but Rome wasn’t built in a day! Every day, people actively put in the work to see it become something in the future. Take it from somewhere who is tremendously hard on themselves when there seems to be little to no change in their life: be patient and keep going. Document those intangible victories to keep yourself going!