Author: liz

I walk out towards the balcony of the condo and look out into the California scenery in the morning. The mornings were the best time to be outside; it wasn’t too hot yet and the streets weren’t crowded with people and cars traveling in the city. California was a lot different than New York City, but not too different.

Whenever I think of New York, I think of Ari and remember just how much I miss her. I couldn’t help but call her on this warm morning, although she will probably hate me for calling her before noon.

“Bitch, it’s 10AM here, what the fuck are you calling me at 7AM?” Ari answers the phone right away. I couldn’t help but roll my eyes and smile. Same bitch named Ari.

“Well good morning to you too, Ari,” I said back. Ari sighs on the phone and wrestles around. She was most likely still in bed.

“Morning, Grace. What’s up?” Ari finally responded as I heard her possibly rolling in between her bedsheets.

“Nothing much, just on the balcony before I go and, you know…”

“Grace,” Ari began. “Saying the word “therapy” isn’t a sin. You’ve been going for almost a year now; why are you still so weird about it?” Ari was right. I’ve been going to therapy for about a year now, yet it was still something I only told Ari about.

Ari was the one that drove me to my first session when I was still in New York. I can still vividly remember her using the spare key for my apartment and dragging me out of my bed and into her car to go for my appointment. I was pissed at her in the moment when she did that, but I also am thankful she did. Because of that, I’ve been quite serious about going to my appointments on time and having them frequently. I guess it’s still something so personal that I wouldn’t want anyone to know.

I walked back in from the balcony and into my room to start getting ready for the day.

“I don’t know, I just am I guess…” I answered. I put my phone on speaker and placed it on my nightstand before walking towards the closet.

“Well, tons of people go for therapy, and if it’s helping you keep your shit together, then it’s a good thing,” Ari preached. I rolled my eyes and smiled at her words. I take out a dress from my closet and place it on the bed.

“Enough about me though,” I said, changing the subject. “Are you and Dean going to do some wine-tasting today?”

“You fucking bet we are! We are so pumped. I might be more excited to do this than go shopping for the wedding dress,” Ari answered. Ari and Dean got engaged a couple of days before I left the city. I was supposed to tell Ari that day I was leaving New York but I didn’t want to ruin her moment or her engagement day. I feel bad not being able to be there with her as she preps for her big day, but she knows I’m always here for her in spirit… and on Facetime whenever she’s indecisive about something.

I walk over to my nightstand to grab my keys and my wallet from the drawer, and I’m instantly reminded of the piece of paper that I put in there a couple of nights ago. Jamie’s number. I take it out and read the digits on the paper and Jamie’s name underneath it.

“Whenever you’re ready.”

“Hello? Grace?” Ari called for me on the phone. I snapped out of my thoughts and focused my attention back on my phone.

“Yeah, sorry; what was that?” I asked. I dropped the piece of paper on th nightstand and grabbed what I needed instead.

“I said I’ll talk to you later; since I’m up I might as well make breakfast for Dean and I,” Ari said. We both said ou goodbyes and ended the phone call. I took a deep breath and walked out of my room.

I passed by Skylar in the living room, hoping I could walk out without her stopping me to help her find something but yet again, SKy got me where she needed me.

“Oh! Grace!” Skylar stopped me in my tracks.

“Sky, I really have to get going, I’m a little busy today–“

“Can I please borrow your sunglasses for the beach today?” Skylar asked. I sighed, knowing this isn’t the first time Skylar has asked to borrow something of mine.

“Don’t you have your own pair?” I asked.

“I have to go get them fixed, some guy stepped on them the last time I went to beach… he was cute, I should’ve gotten his number…” I rolled my eyes and sighed even louder. Sky was such a horny 20-something year old at times; I can’t believe that I was once also in my 20’s doing the same thing.

“Whatever Sky, they’re in my nightstand drawer; don’t lose or break these!” I warned her. Sky sucked her teeth and began walking towards my room. I used the opportunity to book it towards the front door.

…

“So how has your week been, Grace?” Chelsea asked me. Chelsea is my therapist that I started to see once I came to Cali. Chelsea and my therapist in New York actually know each other, so when I told my old therapist I was moving to California and didn’t know what to do regards to staying in therapy, she recommended me see Chelsea. I understand why; Chelsea was someone that allowed you to speak when you needed to speak about things, but she also would tell me when it was time to stop messing around and be honest with what was going on.

I sat across from Chelsea with my legs crossed on the cushioned chair. I took a deep breath before starting.

“The week has been alright. Work at the cafe has been the same and Sharon is still uptight most of my shifts…” I recapped the week.

“Has things at home with Skylar improved?”

“Yeah, for the most part” I begin to answer. “She seems to be more aware about our space and treating it with respect… she tries to not have any guys over when I’m there since the condo is pretty small.” Chelsea nodded her head and continued typing on her computer. I looked out her office window to see the sun peaking in through the shades.

“Come on,” I whined as I covered my head with the comforter. His laugh echoed in the bedroom.

“Jagiya, you have to get up! We have plans for the day,” Jamie said as he sat on the side of the bed I was in. I took the covers off of my face and saw him. He had his gentle smile on, and the sun coming in from the window was making him glow.

“Can’t we just postpone them?” I asked, still quite sleepy. Jamie sighed and then lifted the covers off of me. Before I went to grab them back, he gets into the bed and under the covers with me. I was confused. He looked at me and smiled.

“Fine, we can stay in bed for another hour, but then we absolutely have to get ready, okay?” he said. I smiled at him and cuddled in his chest.

“Something on your mind, Grace?” Chelsea said. I look back at her, realizing I wasn’t paying attention to what she was saying.

“No, no; I’m alright–“

“Grace,” Chelsea stopped typing. “You’re typically more proactive in our meetings, but today you seem to be a little distant mentally. Is there something you want to talk about?” I hate how right Chelsea could be at times. I haven’t been this absent in a session since–

“Jamie,” I said without context. Chelsea raised an eyebrow.

“Jamie? Your ex-boyfriend from South Korea?”

“Jamie’s in California, and I don’t know how to feel about that,” I admitted. “He showed up at my job one night and–“

“Did anyone tell him you were now living here?” Chelsea interrupted before I continued. I shook my head no.

“He seemed just as surprised to see me at the cafe as well… we didn’t speak for long since he had to get going and, well, Sharon being a bitch, but…” I had to rethink that night in my head again. Maybe I was happy he somewhat found me here in Cali, but a part of me wishes I was still hidden in my own universe.

“How did you feel seeing him for the first time in a really long time?” Chelsea asked. I looked at her, not really knowing how to answer her. How did I feel finally seeing him after so long?

“The dreams came back. I’m not really sleeping that well because of it,” I said. Chelsea nodded her head, finally typing on her computer again. She stops for a moment and then looks directly at me.

“You’ve made so much progress within these last couple of months. You’ve been going to the AA meetings I spoke to you about, you’ve been following up with your medication and appointments well, and I have to say: you haven’t brought up your ex-boyfriend in a session for quite some time now.” I knew Chelsea was talking to me more than just my therapist at this point. She was talking to me as the person who saw me probably at my lowest. She was the person who I had on call when I relapsed and was hospitalized a couple of weeks into living here. She was the person that would make sure I checked in with her when I was trying to get back on my feet. I know this portion of our therapy session was more personal than the other things we spoke about. “Grace, you have to do what’s right for you. From what I know, Jamie brings back a lot of negative memories from your past, and it’s easy to get caught up in that once more now that you know he’s in California. If you got the closure you needed already, then he is just another human being in the same state. You don’t have to get closure if you were already in the process of getting it on your own.”

I leaned back on the chair and sighed. I know I was doing a lot better knowing that Jamie didn’t know where I was and that I didn’t know where he was either. Jamie represents my old life, the one that nearly destroyed me inside and out.

“Also,” Chelsea continued. I looked back at her, wondering what she was going to say next. “You have Willow to think about. She’s getting bigger, and she’s going to need her mother to be in a good mental space to help her get through her childhood smoothly.”

Willow. I couldn’t help but begin tearing up when I heard her name. The fact of the matter is is that my relationship with WIllow has improved so much since I started therapy and since I started to leave my old life behind me. It still kills me that I wasn’t able to be in New York when she started her first day of pre-school earlier this year, but I made sure I’ve been there for her if she ever needed me. I was always just a phone call away.

“Yeah,” I simply said. I knew that if i wanted to contact Jamie again, I would’ve done so by now. Maybe my soul already was telling me it wasn’t the smartest thing to do. I have to go and throw his number out when I get home.

But I guess Skylar already did when she got my sunglasses from the nightstand earlier. Better he than me, I guess.

I woke up to the sun hitting my face. The curtains were slightly blowing from the morning breeze. I rubbed the sleepiness out of my eyes and turned around to face the other side of the bed. I see him laying there, under the mountain of blankets. I slowly pulled them away from his face to see him.

He wasn’t there, and I panic.

I wake up when I hear the alarm go off on my nightstand. I looked around my room frantically, not realizing that it was just me in my room. These fucking dreams again? I threw the covers off of my body and got it out of bed. I checked the time on my phone; it was 9AM. You definitely need coffee.

Before reaching for my glasses on my nightstand, I see the piece of paper that I left there last night. I can’t help but feel the last couple of months flash before my eyes. I never would’ve thought that the worries and life I had back in New York would carry here in Cali. It’s like the higher-ups in life just don’t want to give me a break.

My phone ringing is what got me out of my thoughts. I look down and see it was my mom.

“Hey mom,” I answered. I tried to kill, like, 5 birds with one stone by getting ready and still talking to my mother. What the hell is she even doing up? Isn’t it like 6AM in New York?

“Morning, Gracie,” she responded back. “I have that information you needed for the studio.” When I left New York, I told my mother that I wanted her to run the studio while I was gone. Let’s be honest: my mom was more passionate about the studio than I was. She practically grew up in that studio, and I could tell deep down that she really wanted to help run the business. I’m grateful for her passion for the craft; sometimes I feel like I have no passion for anything, not the way other people have it.

“Oh good, how’s everything going?” I asked as I hopped into my overall shorts.

“Things are going as planned; the recital for the end of school show is starting to look like a real dance,” Mom stated. “We will probably hold auditions after the 4th of July for incoming dancers for the Fall,” she continued. I’m listening as I brush out my very knotty hair. “How’s everything going with you? Your dad and I miss you.”

“I’m fine,” I responded quickly, not really wanting to get into this at this time. Or ever. “I’m getting ready for work, and then I have practice tonight.”

“Busy day ahead for you, huh?” my mom teased. I rolled my eyes as if she could see me do so. In some weird way, she knows when I do.

“I just try to stay as busy as possible,” I said as I slipped on my shoes while sitting on my bed.

“You and me both, kid,” my mom laughed. “Well, your father and I are going out for breakfast today, I’ll text you the practice video when I record it later.”

“Alright, have a good day. Tell dad I said hi.” I said.

“Will do; bye, sweetie!” The phone line went dead after we said our goodbyes. I look at myself in the mirror, trying to get myself together before I walk downstairs and see Skylar. Skylar was a handful, needless to say. My uncle, Mason, told me that Skylar lived here in the Bay Area of Cali a couple of months before I left New York. Uncle Mason was relieved knowing that someone would be watching over her, considering she was fresh out of college and on the “wild” side. Skylar, despite being in her “do whatever I want and can” phase, she’s been a pretty cool roommate. Since I was an only child growing up, Skylar was like a little sister to me, and no matter what, we always had each other’s backs.

I see the time on my phone and realize I’m running a little late. I grabbed my bag and exit my room, heading downstairs.

Skylar is sitting on the sofa, flipping through the channels on the TV, drinking the biggest cup of iced coffee I’ve possibly seen. She looks at me for a moment and then looks back towards the TV.

“You’re leaving already?” Skylar asked. I grab my dance bag from the floor next to the front door, getting ready to depart.

“Yep, today I have practice,” I began to say. “Please no strange boys in the house, Sky.” I looked back up to Skylar, who looks at me as if she is offended at what I said.

“I don’t bring strange boys home,” Skylar argued.

“My bad, I meant weirdos,” I continued. Skylar rolled her eyes and went back to doing what she was doing.

“Whatever, mom,” Skylar responded. Between the two of us, I am definitely the responsible one. Me? Responsible? I know, it shocks me too. “What time are you getting home?”

Before I open the door, I turn around one last time towards Skylar.

“Don’t know, so make your plans strategic this time around,” I smiled and left the condo. Another day, another dollar.

I grabbed my bike from the building’s parking lot and ride my way to work. Driving in Cali literally doesn’t exist. I thought driving in NYC was bad until I came to Cali. I invested in getting a bike because it saves me the little money I make, and gas prices are literally insane here. And I mean, the weather is always nice here, so why not just ride my bike? I get on my bike and begin to ride. The wind goes through my hair as I pedal; these rides to work in the morning are possibly the highlight of most of my days.

…

I lock up my bike on a pole in front of the studio before entering it. I walked to the front desk, in which Eduardo greets me.

“Hey, Miss Grace!” he smiles and says. I smile back, greeting him as well.

“Good Morning, Eduardo,” I politely answered back.

“Studio 25; correct?” Eduardo asks as he grabs the key for the studio. I take it from him and thank him once again before heading to the studio. The studio space is small, but I tend to make ends meet here. I open the storage closet and see my video setup for the choreography videos I record for the studio back home.

“Almost ready?” A man’s voice is heard next to the studio door. I look over at him, smiling and inviting him in.

“Ready as can be,” I said as he wrapped his arms around my body. I look back up at him, who is looking down at me with reassurance.

“You got this, jagiya,” Jamie softly said.

As I set up, I can’t help but think about last night at the cafe. A part of me still believes it was some sort of fever dream I was experiencing; maybe I didn’t drink enough water or something. Jamie just looked like a different man. When we first met back all those years ago, he looked smaller, younger; he kinda had this naive look in his face when he first came to New York. Now, he looks older, bigger; he still had some light behind his eyes, but he definitely looks like he has his guard up. He looked… sexy with his blue black hair and the little tan he has on his skin. It was a sight I didn’t think would look that good on someone like Jamie. Despite that, he just feels different… like he’s not the Jamie I once knew.

But, why am I surprised? Mad shit had happened between us since we first met, and I know it could take a roll on even the nicest person on the world. I could understand his hesistancy when he saw me. I definitely can.

I turned on the video camera in front of me and wait for the students to join into the video call. “Hey guys!” I greeted the students coming into the call. “Make sure to warm up for 10 minutes and we will get you guys started for this new choreo I got planned for you.”

I wanted to still teach those who come to the dance academy. I still wanted to create dances and still do my job in a sense, I just didn’t want to be in New York anymore.

…

I got to my job at the cafe around 7, and of course Sharon is already on her bullshit. I took this job because it was a simple one, plus it allowed me to do what I wanted to do during the day, and then make a little bit of money at night. I also just wanted an excuse to be on the boardwalk all the time, but shit, Sharon will suck the fun out of anything around her.

“Nice for you to come tonight, Grace,” Sharon said. I went to the back to drop off my things and get an apron on.

“It’s literally 7:03, I’m here,” I answered. I tried to walk past Sharon and begin my shift of the night, but Sharon stops me midway out to the cafe area.

“Grace, I wanted to talk to you about your shift last night. This is a classy cafe for people to come in and enjoy drinks and food…” I don’t understand what Sharon was saying, but then again; I don’t ever understand what the fuck Sharon is talking about half of the time. Sharon folded her arms and looked at me. “You’re not here to pick up numbers from tourists, you’re here to do your job.” Sharon walks away before I could even say anything back. It wasn’t even worth arguing with her… I mean, she just better not talk all crazy and fire me or some shit, because then she’s really going to get these hands.

I couldn’t help but worry that Jamie would come back to the cafe. Like, maybe I should just quit? Maybe it’s best if I just go somewhere else so that Jamie doesn’t keep coming back here. I mean, as much as I wanted that, I also found myself looking towards the cafe door whenever a customer entered. Maybe I was just overthinking this. Maybe Jamie moved on… he has every right to do so.

The thought instantly makes me focus on the cafe at the moment; it was just better to not think about things that will just hurt me in the end. This fucking blows.

Jamie power walks away from the cafe and back towards the direction where his friends are in the bar. He brushes his hair back, still in shock about what happened in the cafe. He doesn’t stop walking and he doesn’t turn back to look.

Jamie finally arrives back at the bar; he looks around for Shawn and Kevin. He hears Kevin call out from him a couple of tables down from where he was. Jamie tries to return back to his friends as unbothered as possible.

Kevin: Hyung, where were you? We gotta get Shawn back home before he makes a dumb decision.

Jamie: When doesn’t he make a dumb decision? *looks around* Where is he anyway?

Kevin: I don’t know, somewhere on the dance floor.

Kevin gets up from his chair and tries his best to get Shawn out of the crowd of people. When he successfully does so, Shawn notices Jamie.

Shawn: Hyung! We were supposed to mingle with the ladies tonight! Where were you?

Jamie: I had to grab a coffee, get some fresh air.

Shawn: For an hour?

Jamie was shocked that Shawn was well-aware enough to notice that he was gone for that long.

Jamie: *dismissive* Come on, let’s go back to the house; it’s getting late anyway…

Shawn agrees and leaves the bar with both Jamie and Kevin.

…

Back at the house, Jamie is in his room for the night; his glasses are back on and his hair isn’t brushed back anymore. He unscrews a pill bottle and takes two pills from it; his head is pounding. He looks back up towards his nightstand and still sees the Iced Americano that he bought from Grace. He holds his head in his hands and shuts his eyes; all that he sees is Grace back at the cafe from earlier.

Jamie: *to himself* What the hell is she doing in California? What are the fucking odds she would just be there and–

A knock is heard on Jamie’s door, in which he stops talking and looks up. He sees that it’s Kevin.

Jamie: Kevin-ah?

Kevin: *walks in* Hey, Hyung…

He sits on Jamie’s bed next to him. Jamie looks at Kevin.

Jamie: Everything okay?

Kevin doesn’t say much. He takes in a deep breath.

Kevin: Joo-Ah’s mad that I went out tonight to the bar.

Jamie: She told you she was mad?

Kevin: Not exactly… she just seemed like she was annoyed like I went out…

Jamie takes a sip from his coffee and places it back down.

Jamie: I don’t think she’s mad at you. I think she’s just worried about you being in a foreign country. She means well.

Kevin: Was Seohyun the same way when you first came to America?

Jamie looks at Kevin, exhausted and not wanting to get in with Kevin. Jamie has learned that Kevin sometimes will say things to piss him off, but other times he just genuinely says what’s on his mind.

Jamie: *nods* She was. She even told me that nothing good ever comes from being in America…

Kevin starts to laugh. Jamie looks back at him, not realizing why she all of a sudden started to laugh.

Jamie: What?

Kevin: I mean, I guess she was right.

Kevin gets up and walks out of Jamie’s room. Jamie, now annoyed, gets up from the bed and grabs his iced americano. He throws it into the garbage bin.

…

Lights turn on in a small condo. Keys are heard being put in a tray next to the door. Grace takes in a deep breath and sighs. She drops her bag on the floor and sits on the sofa. Moments later, she hears a door open from upstairs. Grace turns around and looks towards the flight of stairs. A younger woman walks downstairs towards the living room. She has blonde hair and a fresh tan.

Skylar: You’re home early tonight, Grace!

Skylar is Grace’s cousin from her father’s side. She resembles the family a lot more than Grace does, considering Grace’s father is a twin and Skylar looks like her father.

Grace gets up from the sofa and tiredly rubs her eyes.

Grace: Sky, I always get out at 10pm…

Skylar: On a Friday?

Grace turns her head to the side, questioning Skylar’s jumpy behavior. Skylar isn’t that much younger than Grace, but Grace definitely looks out for Skylar in the way Skylar looks out for her.

Grace: You’re acting really weird…

Skylar: *defensive* And you’re weird for being home at this hour all of a sudden!

Grace: *suspicious* Is there a boy in your room?

Skylar: No?

A man’s voice is heard on the second floor; he calls out for Skylar. Grace raises her eyebrows and looks at Skylar. She stands there, busted.

Skylar: He was going to be out of there before you got home!

Grace: He shouldn’t even be here, Sky!

Skylar: Sheesh, just because you don’t invite a man into the condo, doesn’t mean I have to live like you…

The man comes out in a bathrobe. Grace widens her eyes at the sight and then quickly back down and away.

Man: Oh! I didn’t know you had company, Susie…

Grace blinks in shock, just watching the interaction happen.

Grace: *confused* Susie?

Skylar: *looks up* Sorry. You gotta go now that she’s home.

Man: *confused* Oh… she doesn’t want to join?

Grace coughs in shock. Skylar turns her entire body and looks upstairs.

Skylar: Boy come downstairs and leave!

He comes downstairs and Skylar’s pushing him towards the front door.

Man: But my clothes!

Skylar grabs a pile of clothes from the floor and tosses it to the guy. Without saying anything else, she closes the door on him and turns around towards Grace. Grace stares at Skylar back.

Grace: Where’d you meet that one?

Skylar: At the club on Terrance.

Grace shakes her head and begins to walk upstairs until Skylar calls for her. Grace turns around.

Skylar: You never answered me! Why are you home so early on a Friday? You’re never this early.

Grace: I just wasn’t feeling good.

Grace turns back around and walks back up the stairs into her room. Once she gets into her room, she goes into her pants pocket and pulls out the phone number Jamie put in her apron earlier. She looks at it once more, then throws it on her nightstand.

Grace: *to herself* He can’t be here. Why the fuck would he be here? How would he know to be here?

She can’t muster up the energy to take off her work clothes. she just lays back on it and rolls over to her side. She just stared at the piece of paper on her nightstand until she falls asleep.

It was Grace standing there.

It was Jamie sitting there.

She kept fidgeting with her memo pad and pen in her hands. She kept looking back to the woman who clearly looked like the owner of this cafe. I couldn’t stop staring at Grace; is this even Grace? Have I lost my mind to the point where I’m now seeing her and hearing her voice in places that I shouldn’t be?

She quickly turns her head back towards me. Her red hair was shorter, a lot shorter; her curls bounced whenever she turned her head.

I looked back at Jamie, not really believing it was Jamie. What were the odds he was at the same place I was in? Ari wouldn’t tell him where I was, or anyone for that matter. I felt tonight’s dinner turn in my stomach, like this couldn’t be Jamie. His hair wasn’t blonde anymore; it was the darkest shade of blue-black I could imagine. It was wavy, pulled back, and he didn’t have his glasses on. Who was this man? Why does he look and speak just like Jamie?

I realized I didn’t say anything for a while and I haven’t moved from the spot I was standing. I cleared my throat, telling myself that I only had an hour left to my shift.

“Wh-What would you like, sir?” I said, trying to remain as professional as possible. He’s just another customer… that you fell absolutely in love with at one point in your life. He doesn’t stop looking at me, so I quickly look back to Sharon, my bitch of a boss who takes her job way too seriously for a cafe on boardwalk.

Jamie takes a while to respond. He places the menu back on the table.

“I’ll take an Iced Americano,” I said to Grace. She looks down at her memo pad and quickly turns away from me.

“You want it with a little bit of creamer, right?” She said it so quickly, I didn’t even realize that she remembered. She stopped in her tracks, probably regretting that she remembered. I look back at her as she turned around. She looks so different with some color on her skin.

“Yes,” I answered back. She didn’t say anything to me; she just walked towards the back of the cafe. I felt like I could finally breathe, knowing that she wasn’t near me anymore.

I felt like I could finally breathe, knowing that he wasn’t near me anymore. I placed my memo pad on the counter in the back, shutting my eyes tight in hopes that I was possibly dreaming. He can’t be here. That’s not him. That can’t be Jamie; the Jamie I know wouldn’t ever wear blue jeans, first of all. Also, he nearly looks unrecognizable without his glasses on.

The barista in the back of the cafe hands me the Iced Americano. I take a deep breath and exit the back. The sooner I give him his drink, the better.

She comes out from the back, and I felt my face get hot once more. She walks towards my table and places the coffee on it.

“Here you go,” Grace politely said. I nod my head, thanking her for it. “Do you need anything else?” she asks.

I shake my hand in protest. “No no, I’m alright. Thank you,” I answered back. She looks down at my every move.

“Fuck,” Grace quickly said, then immediately regretted it once she saw my reaction. I was genuinely confused at what came over her. She sighs, pointing at my wrist.

I couldn’t help but notice. I should have kept my mouth shut. What was the use anyway? It’s already out there.

“Your bracelet,” Grace finally says. I look down at it, surprised she remembers it.

“Yeah,” I began to say. I looked back up at her, nothing but seriousness in my eyes. “The love of my life gifted me this.” I don’t know what came over me and why I even said it. I guess because she knew. She knew exactly what it was and noticed it. I had to let her know what it meant to me, but I was afraid I was going to scare her away.

She froze in place, and then looked back at the woman in the back.

“Is that your boss?” I immediately changed the subject. I didn’t want her to run. She turned back around, now looking a little calmer than she did before.

“Yeah, she’s an uptight bitch,” Grace said, and I couldn’t help but laugh. It was like I got a glimpse of the Grace I know, or knew. The thought fades my smile away slowly until Grace speaks again.

“I could feel my boss’ eyes on me, wondering why I’ve been standing in the same place for too long,” I said while fidgeting in place. He smiles once more, and I can’t lie; it was a sight that I missed. The way his eyes smiled when he did. It’s like I could see him perfectly now that his glasses aren’t on.

“Well,” Jamie began to say, getting up from the table. “I should be getting back to my friends at the bar.”

Without hesitation, I began talking to him like it was just normal for us to carry a conversation. “Oh? Shawn and Kevin?” I asked. I knew it had to be those two. If brotherhood was a living, breathing image, it would be Jamie, Shawn, and Kevin. But I couldn’t help but wonder if they’re here because they’re doing another case. What was it about America that these three loved anyway?

“Yeah,” I said as I nodded my head. “They’re at the bar a couple of stores down on the boardwalk,” I continued.

“Ugh, that place?” Grace said without even hesitating. “That very much screams Summer tourist attraction central,” she continued. I couldn’t help but laugh. Grace always knew how to make me laugh even when she wasn’t trying.

“Yeah, so I should go back to them and help them out,” I calmly said.

Seeing Jamie get up from the booth took my breath away in ways I didn’t even realize. How the fuck did this man still have this affect on me? Even after everything that has happened between us, it’s like he always had this fucking hold over me.

“Uhm, maybe,” I began to say. He looks back at me; his eyebrow slightly scrunched in curiosity. I felt the wind literally knock the words out of me. Fuck, what am I doing? Why am I getting Jamie involved in my life again? “Maybe we could grab a coffee sometime… of course, in another coffee shop; it doesn’t have to be here, or–” My voice began to get hoarse. Jamie didn’t say anything back right away, since my boss calls out for me and I turned my head to face her.

Grace was something else. I wasn’t expecting her to want to ever speak to me again, yet here we are. I hesitate at first for a moment; I truly didn’t want Grace to feel like she needed to speak to me, and I also didn’t want to feel obligated to speak to Grace because of our history. It was a rough one, and for most people this wouldn’t have gone the way it went for us. Other people would’ve cause a scene, accused one another of foul behavior and then stormed off without a trace. Not us. We were never conventional anyway.

She looks back at her boss once she hears her name being called. I knew right then and there I had to do something; she was going to run off and I couldn’t let that happen. I will not let her run off, truly because I waited so long to finally see her and hear her voice.

I grabbed her memo pad and pen, which made her quickly turn around back at me.

“I don’t want you to get in trouble,” I began to say as I wrote in her memo pad. “And I should get back to Shawn and Kevin before they do something illegal or something…” I wrote my phone number down and ripped it out of the memo pad. I looked back at her; my God she was beautiful. I looked at her and folded the piece of paper and placed it in her apron pocket.

“Whenever you’re ready,” I simply said.

“Whenever you’re ready,” he said as he placed a piece of paper inside the pocket of my apron. I don’t say anything back; Jamie just starts to walk out of the cafe with his iced americano in his hand. I couldn’t help but watch him leave the cafe up until the very last moment the door closed behind him. I went to get the paper in my apron pocket. I grabbed the piece of paper and unfold it. I bite the inside of my lip when I read the phone number on the paper with his name on me.

Fuck. What did I get myself into again?

Back at this damn pier. Shawn, Kevin, and I walk on the boardwalk together; lights surround the different storefronts and people are still very active on the pier. Shawn is the one that leads us on the boardwalk, knowing where this bar is. I couldn’t pretend and act like I wasn’t nervous. I nearly poked my eyes trying to put in my contacts in them. Kevin was shocked to see that for the first time in a really long time, my hair was brushed back and I was putting on contact lenses. I guess I had to play the role of “someone who was ready to mingle”. I definitely wasn’t.

We finally reach the bar on the boardwalk. It’s definitely a tourist attraction, considering how many people were already at the bar. All three of us stand in front of it. Shawn, who is the most excited, turns back around and looks at Kevin and me.

“Isn’t this a cool place?” Shawn asks us. I can’t lie, it was a really nice place. Maybe tonight will be a good night.

“Let’s have some fun!” I said. Kevin looks at me and sighs when I walk into the bar with Shawn. He follows behind us.

We look around and see a lot of different women in the bar. Mainly are with other women, on the dancefloor with drinks in their hands. Before I know it, Shawn pulls me towards the bar to begin drinking for the night.

“Ya, aren’t we gonna wait for Kevin?” I asked Shawn. I looked over at Kevin, who is slowly walking towards us, not amused at the environment. Typical for Kevin, even if he wasn’t in a relationship.

Before I got an answer, Shawn orders a round of shots for us. He looks at me as he waits for me to get my shot off of the bar top. He holds it up before cheering us on for the night.

“To us having the time of our lives in America!” Shawn toasted with his shot. We both clinked our drinks before chugging them down. It was definitely a harsh shot. I believe it was Tequila?

…

The night progresses and Shawn and I have moved to the dance floor. The shots definitely helped me loosen up for the night. The music is loud, and women begin to walk towards us to dance. Shawn grabs the hand of one woman and begins to dance with her. A woman walks up to me; she’s short and petite with brown hair. Her hair is braided to the side. She was cute; really cute to be exact.

“I’m Selena,” the woman confidently said. She began to dance with me, and I felt the drinks and situation rush straight to my head. I don’t know if it just was hot in the bar due to the summer heat, but my face was sweaty and immediately red. “What’s your name?” She looked up at me.

“Jamie,” I shyly answered. She looks at me and smiles, then giggles. She’s definitely drunk.

“That’s a cute name! Are you from around here? I don’t think I ever saw you here!” She asked. I’m not in the right mind to understand her completely; it was like my English was quickly disappearing from my knowledge.

“Eung,” I didn’t even realize I answered back in Korean, but she was so lost in the crowd and music that she didn’t even realize that it wasn’t English. She giggles and grabs my hand to drag me towards the middle of the dance floor. She begins to press her body against me, and suddenly the bar is spinning. I don’t see Shawn on the dance floor anymore, and I don’t see Kevin at the bar stand anymore.

“Grace, you need to rest. Come on–” I began to help Grace to sit on the sofa, but she yanks her arm away from me and continues to cry.

“No! I- I need to let this out or else it’s just gonna eat me alive!” She cried out.

“You could tell me in the morning, come one you had too much to drink–“

“I’m so sorry, Jamie, I-I couldn’t keep it, I–“

I back away from the girl, in which she turns around to look at me.

“You’re okay, John?” she asked. I don’t answer her, I just walk away from the dance floor quickly, and straight out of the bar.

I walked out and took a deep breath. It was definitely cooler out on the boardwalk than it was in the bar. My head finally stops spinning. What the fuck was that about? I haven’t thought about that last night with Grace since returning back to Korea a couple of months ago. I thought I was over it when I lost contact with her. I was supposed to “let her go”. I was trying to let her go. Tonight was supposed to prove that I was letting her go. Maybe it’s just useless. Maybe Grace is just that one that got away. She was. She is.

My phone begins to ring in my pocket, which I picked it up. It was Kevin.

“Hyung, where’d you go?” Kevin asked. The music in the background was making my head pound all over again.

“I had to get some air, I’m not really feeling good…” I respond back. I can hear Shawn shouting, telling Kevin to tell me to come back. I felt bad leaving Kevin with Shawn, but I couldn’t go back in there.

“Are you going home?” Kevin asked.

“No, no… I’m just going to go for a walk. I’ll be back in a few,” I answered. Kevin said his goodbyes for the time being and hung up the phone. I look further down the boardwalk to see if there was a place open that wasn’t greasy, massive or just something that wouldn’t make me puke the alcohol in my system up. I began walking down the boardwalk, seeing everyone around me have fun on this summer night. For a trip that was meant to be a last hoorah with the guys and fun, it’s looking like this is possibly the worst trip to America I had. Even my dictionary days were better than this.

I see a small cafe open and suddenly I knew I needed some coffee to keep me together. I didn’t hesitate to walk in. It was a cafe very suitable for the boardwalk; it was tropical summer-themed, which I found cute. It was also called “Brew Ha-Ha Cafe”. Can’t go wrong with a cute little cafe to help out this tipsy foreigner.

I walked in and sat at a booth. Mna, it feels good to just sit down in a quiet place. There weren’t that many people in here at this time of night; I’m not surprised though. I began to look through their drink menu and opted for the Iced Americano.

I don’t remember how it happened, probably because I thought it was the alcohol getting the best of me. I thought I was hearing things. Aigoo, please just leave me alone. I placed the menu on the table and looked up.

She looked back at me, mortified. Perhaps I did as well.

“Grace?” I softly said to her.