Weekends are the hardest for me. Maybe it’s because I’m off of work on the weekends, and the days drag until it hits Monday. The weekend gives people like me too much time to be inside their heads and question every life choice and decision we’ve ever made.
I sit on the sofa in the living room, scrolling on my phone with my feet resting on the coffee table in front of me. Skylar walks down the stairs and walks right passed me, pushing my legs off the coffee table. I look at her; she walks to the mirror next to the front door. She looks at herself way longer than she typically does.
“You’re good, Sky?” I asked her from the sofa. She turns around and looks at me. She sighs as if she’s stressed about something.
“No,” she started. “I feel like my hair is wrong and my outfit is wrong and I hate myself.” I couldn’t help but chuckle. Skylar Ashmore doesn’t get insecure, ever.
“Sky,” I begin to say. “You look fine. Your hair is cute, and your outfit looks good.” Skylar looks at me. I know she doesn’t believe me. She turns back around to look at herself, nitpicking everything. I get up from the sofa; I have to stop the self-sabotage before it even begins.
“I just want to look perfect,” Skylar says.
“Since when?” I questioned. It took a while for Skylar to answer. I really didn’t need the answer. I had a feeling why. I sighed before she could answer. “Sky, he’s not gonna care about how you look.”
“But I do! I want to be the only woman he stares at today!” Skylar whined.
“Trust me, if I know anything about Shawn, he will definitely have his eyes glued on you,” I stated. Skylar turned around and looked at me like a lost puppy.
“You think so?” she asked.
“Yes,” I answered. “You’ve never been this way with a guy before. Did he tell you anything that made you feel… I don’t know; insecure like this?”
“No! Oh my god, he would never,” Skylar explained in a panic. “He’s just… worth it.”
Skylar and Shawn have been talking and hanging out almost every day since meeting each other at The Voyage. I could tell Skylar is serious about spending her time with him. She’s not one to apologize for anything, so when she came to me one night to say sorry about leaving me at the bar that night, I knew this one was different.
“You really like him, huh?” I asked, smiling halfway into my question. Skylar’s face lights up. She doesn’t even have to tell me at this point.
“He’s such a gentleman,” she started. “Like, he’s a huge goofball and his English is so tiny and adorable and he’s just so… handsome too.” I nudge her, teasing her as I laugh.
“He’s… definitely a character from I’ve witnessed and heard from Jamie,” I started.
“Seriously, the next time you see Jamie, you need to tell him I said thank you for bringing Shawn with him to The Voyage that night,” Skylar said as she fixes her makeup in the mirror. I looked at her, scrunching my eyebrows.
“What makes you think I’m gonna see him again?” I questioned. Skylar stopped what she was doing. She turns around, scoffs, and then continues to do what she was doing.
“Girl, stop lying. Tell him what I said the next time you see him,” Skylar says. Skylar’s confidence about this bothers me. It’s like she has no care in the world about how I might be feeling or how Jamie may be feeling. Skylar only knows so much about Jamie and I’s past. She thinks it’s easier said than done to just “see” Jamie again. It’s not. I don’t think it ever will be.
“Who said I was lying?” I said, in a more serious tone. I walk back to the sofa as Skylar turns around to finally face me.
“Grace, come on. We’re talking about Jamie,” she pleaded.
“And?” I responded; nonchalant.
“I don’t know why you keep torturing yourself by believing things you even know aren’t true,” Skylar admitted. I crossed my arms, getting annoyed with Skylar and this conversation. Of course, she doesn’t let up. “If you didn’t want to see Jamie, you wouldn’t have gotten out that night.”
“Yeah, the night that you dragged me out for,” I debated back. “Plus, I didn’t call his number; you did.”
“And you’re the one that kept his number,” she spat back.
“Yeah, on my nightstand where you shouldn’t have been snooping in the first place,” I said back, now feeling more annoyed than before. Skylar rolled her eyes at me.
“We’re getting off-topic,” Skylar stated. “I’m just saying that you have to let go of whatever happened in your past with him. It’s in the past for a reason.”
“Yeah, well it’s not as easy as you think, Sky,” I bickered back at Skylar. “Jamie and I have a… long and complicated past. It’s just not as easy as picking up the phone and asking to hang out.”
“No, it actually is,” Skylar responded. She’s definitely trying to make something out of nothing. “If it was as messy and difficult as you think it was, Jamie wouldn’t have agreed to come and meet you that night. He also wouldn’t have given you his number, Grace!”
I sit on the sofa, not really knowing what to say next. Skylar is right; why would Jamie agree to go out that night if our past was just full of bad memories and heartbreak? Does Jamie see it differently? What is his motive in the long run? Does he even care about the past anymore?
“It sounds like you’re the only one torturing yourself with your past,” Skylar concluded. She walked over to where I was sitting, and hands me my phone that was on the coffee table in front of me. “Call him. See what he’s up to. If you really want to see things through with him, you should make your move. Don’t make him be the one always making them. It’s your turn now.”
Skylar looks at the time on her phone and quickly grabs her bag and keys near the front door.
“I gotta go! Wish me luck!” Skylar waved back as she left the house. I look down at my phone, not really knowing what to do at this point. Skylar is right. He has shown time and time again that he just wants us to be cordial. I open my contact list in where Jamie’s name and number is located. What if he’s busy? He literally is on a vacation with two of his friends. I took a deep breath and backed out from my contacts. But Skylar literally is going out with Shawn, and Kevin is… well Kevin. Plus, Jamie did mention he has a serious girlfriend he’s always calling and chatting with…
“For fuck’s sake, Grace, it’s not the end of the world if you ask him to hang out,” I tell myself out loud. Asking is okay; it’s just an invitation and if the person declines, at least I tried, right? But fuck, it will hurt if he doesn’t want to hang out. Jamie has always been good company, and life in California where I don’t really know anyone besides the cousin that literally is out every single day of the week. My life was back in NYC, and California is sometimes too quiet for my brain to handle. Jamie will always be good company to have.
“Fuck it,” I said as I go back into my contacts. Without hesitating, I clicked Jamie’s name and the phone began to ring. I panicked. I begin siking myself out. I can’t do this, what the fuck was I thinking? I get ready to hang up the phone before he answers it.
The phone stops ringing.
“Hello?” Jamie’s voice comes from my phone.
Fuck.
Letters From Liz. 