Topic Tuesdays: Raw & Personal

10/18/20: to my best friend.

There’s a different type of love I have for you in this friendship of ours.

We are freakishly common and in sync but also so incredibly different; I feel like I get to know new things about you every day whenever we talk and I’m always amazed to learn just how unique and different you are to what I thought you were.

For starters, I was scared of you. You already know that, but yeah, I was scared of you because you were the type of personality that seemed like it would clash with mine. You were loud and outspoken and assertive; I was quiet, shy, and immensely submissive. You engaged in conversations with me and I thought to myself, “how is this person just talking to me? Like, do they actually want to be my friend?” I don’t know how we went from strictly talking about our Victon boys, to doing watch parties every other night during the summer, to having theoretical conversations about Victon if they weren’t idols and created “AUV”, to where you are now the person I constantly talk to everyday on the phone, through video chat, wherever; for most of my day. This is just the beginning the story of how two people became best friends within two and a half months of knowing each other.

Like every friendship, there will be things that I love about you and things that make me want to knock the dumb-bitch juice out your hand and make you listen to the words coming out of my mouth. The things I love about you, though, outweigh the other things. I love how passionate and creative you are when it comes to this AUV fanfic (novel) that you are writing. You created these characters based on our boys and us and they seem to amze me on how they feel like real people. They deal with real life situations, they experience emotion that hits close to home, and might I say that my AUV self is someone that I’m aspiring to be because she’s a bad ass bitch that takes no shit from anyone! I love how we can spend hours on end theoretically talk about what is yet to happen and what’s going to come next based on what is written in paper. I love how I can guess what things are yet to come and you respond with “get out of my head, Liz!” because, again, we are motherfucking twins from another life. I love how I can get lost and join you in this universe; this happy and safe space, and read about how our lives would be like if we were just these two small girls who fell in love with Seungsik and Chan while dealing with some real life situations and problems, getting to know all these amazing characters and their different personalities and, too long didn’t read, I love how you got AUVLiz down flawlessly. To know that you’ve picked up on some of my infamous words and mannerisms and write them down on paper makes me believe that you are someone that actually listens to me when I speak, and pays attention to how I say things and the way I behave and react to certain things. It’s something that a best friend of mine has never took the time out to notice about me.

I love how whenever we are on video chat, you can constantly make me laugh. Like, stomach hurts and I can’t breathe type of laugh. It’s the type of laugh that not many people can bring out of me, and perhaps it’s just because you touch my inner beeg dumb energy and you get my dumb humor, but no matter what we are doing on video chat, you make me laugh, actually you leave me wheezing. The filters you put on during our video chats will forever leave me weak; we could honestly laugh for 5 minutes straight without any words being said. No thoughts, just laughs. I love how we can just be on video chat for hours on end, like we are doing in this very moment while I write this and you pack kpop orders, and we can just sit in silence, being each other’s company while we do whenever we got work to do. We’ll check in on each other every now and then, talk for a bit, and then continue what we were doing, again in each other’s company; being each other’s company, while we live in different states.

I love that I am able to be hella affectionate with you. I love that I can tell you to be careful and take care and that I love you when we end our calls. I love that I know that when we meet up in person in the future, we will be cuddling and holding hands and constantly hugging each other because we both are not afraid to show love to one another. I love that I can call you pretty, or beautiful, or a total hottie, and not feel weird about it or be afraid that I’m coming off a bit too flirty. I love that I can be my complete self with you and be the way I want to be with my friend, which is show platonic intimacy and value the friendships I make in this chapter of my life.

I wish, though, you saw the value in yourself the same way I and many of your friends do. I wish you saw just how much of an amazing person you are and how smart, funny, interesting, kind, and helpful you are to me and many of us. I wish you were able to see that you are a human that deserves love, that deserves happiness, and that deserves to get back what you give out to the world. I wish you were able to take care of yourself, that your body needs you to take care of it to feel better and to be as present as you can be. I wish that you would listen body cues, to relax when you need to relax and take care of yourself when your body needs you the most. I wish you weren’t so hard on yourself, that you didn’t see yourself the way that you do, that you didn’t based your decisions on your self-image and self-worth. I wish you were able to believe me when I say you’re one of the most important people in my life and I would literally be so heartbroken if anything happened to you.

I hate how much I worry about you. I hate that I constantly feel worrisome when you’re having a bad day. I hate that sometimes I don’t know the right thing to say. I hate that there will be times when I feel like the absolute worthless best friend because I won’t have the answers to your problems, that there will be things that I will not be able to give you my unbiased advice on, and that sometimes I won’t always be there to pick you up from your darkest places. I hate that sometimes that while we call each other twins and we are able to understand each other really well, there are times where I’m not able to connect with you, that there are things I won’t ever understand and won’t ever comprehend due to our different lifestyles. I hate those days and nights where we don’t feel as in sync as we typically are, and perhaps those days are just not our days, but no matter what we always end up coming back to each other, when we are ready to goof around and accompany each other’s agendas via video chat.

I want you to know that I always worry about those bad days. I worry about those days when you’re feeling absolutely worthless and hopeless, where you’re crying and you’re feeling lost and you don’t know what to do; those days scare me because of our distance. I want you to know that despite your bad days, you are never alone, that I’m always a phone call away, a message away, a video call away; I am always closer than you think, and because of that I will always keep my promise on being be your side and for always being there for you. I say that out of pure love for your being, that not only have I fallen in love with you as my best friend, but I have fallen in love with you as a human being.

At the end of the day, you are my person. You are the person I would always come to for any type of support; whether that is work support, personal life support, mental health support, literally any type of support I need I will always come to you first, because you get me. You are the person that no matter how many disagreements and no matter how many disconnections we may have on certain things, we can always set those differences aside and do what we do best for each other: be there, love, and support one another and be each other’s person to always go to if we need to. I thank you for allowing me the space that I need in you, to voice note you in a panic about my work or to cry on camera about my worries about you and myself and everything in between that my anxiety strives off of. Thank you for understand how my mental health looks like, because you deal with your own and see it to the same importance as I do. Thank you for being as present as possible and for seeing so much fucking worth in me and our friendship; it’s highkey a first and it still blows my mind to have someone that I really fucking care about care about me in the same way I do for them. It’s a feeling that I never got to experience in a friendship, so thank you for being my first best friend to allow me to feel this.

I love you, and I hope you stay safe, stay healthy, and remember that I care and love you so fucking much.

사랑해요 ~ !!

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