Hey, guys – welcome back to TNTH.
I don’t know about you guys, but I feel like April is just flying by us. It feels like I blinked and somehow we are on April 18th. I find it really crazy that in a month my last semester of school ends and that in a month and a half I graduate with my Masters. I am feeling all different types of emotions at the moment, so I decided to come on here and write what I write best:
I know many of you probably don’t read these posts solely because I tend to express some of the same ideas again and again: grad school, mental, health, blah blah blah. Maybe there are some of you who read to be informed or to relate to your own situations, but for the most part, these posts are mainly me just talking about what’s been on my mind, and for the past year or so, these topics have been on my mind.
Anyway, I’m writing this today as a reminder to my future self that the decision I made was the right one, despite currently feeling otherwise at this moment.
Last week, I finally spoke up to my doctor about my ongoing anxiety and requested to seek therapy.
I know I mention time and time again in my posts about mental health that those who need special attention with their mental health should not be/feel ashamed in seeking professional help. I preach this all the time, and yet it took me nearly two years to suck it up and finally ask for some help. It would’ve saved me so many restless nights of anxiety and crying spells if I just have spoken up sooner.
Guys, please don’t do what I did and wait. We are all different and the way we handle our own issues and situations vary as well. Just because I waited this long to reach out, doesn’t mean it was the right thing to do.
As a society, we are so quick to run to the emergency room or to our doctor when we physically don’t feel good. Got the flu? Doctor. Broke a bone? Doctor. Got a bad cough or a sore throat? Doctor. We are quick to check out the things that are physically hurting us, yet so many of us will live in the dark about our mental health. We deem our mental health as “self-curable” and the cure to a sad or gloomy day is positivity and smiles. It doesn’t work that way.
I’ve been that girl. I’ve analyzed my feelings and made myself believe that what I was feeling wasn’t that serious and that I was being overly dramatic. I told myself countless times over and over if I focused my energy on positivity and just smiled all day long, I would feel better. If I was having a good day, I forced myself to stay that way because I was tired of feeling sad. I overworked my mind and my body just so that I didn’t have to deal with all the bullshit that my mind likes to feed me, and I believed that once I went to seek for help, those around me would deem me as “weak” even though I knew that wasn’t true. I believed that I was a stronger person if I handled my own issues myself.
At the end of the day when the sun goes down and all the people around you go to sleep for the night and you’re up at 2 in the morning sitting in your bathroom crying for absolutely no fuckin’ reason and begin to feel anxiety creep on you yet you’re calm, you know what you’re telling yourself is a goddamn lie.
Some issues you can’t solve on your own because you just don’t understand how they occur, and I’ve had enough of trying to save myself when I already tried all that I could.
My first appointment for therapy is next Wednesday, and yeah I’m feeling more anxious than usual. I am out of my comfort zone and sharing with another person who does not know me the things that I haven’t even expressed in detail to my own family. It’s nerve-wracking and honestly, you are going to feel some level of shame at first and deem yourself as “crazy” because of the stigma mental health has.
Let me reassure you guys and even to myself that taking the first step of getting some professional help is probably the hardest part of the progress. You’ve acknowledged your mental health and you deemed it as significant if you’re bringing it up to your doctor. You’ve become aware of the fact that something just doesn’t feel right, and you decided that you are going to prioritize it and attempt to make it better. In no way shape or form, you’re now weak for speaking up about your mental health. In a sense, you are now a part of the movement that is trying to make mental health just as common and acceptable to talk about in society.
As for me, I hope that seeking help with my mental health allows me to gather some of myself back. I long for the days I could feel inspired and passionate about the things that drive me. I long for the days I smiled and laughed and stayed happy for months on end because I was genuinely happy. I long for the days that I had a better sense of who I was. I know many of these things are going to be long and tedious and will probably cause me even more anxiety the more I am forced to get out of my safe space/comfort zone, but I am ready to make a change. I’m ready to be a survivor to those who are simply not brave enough yet to speak up. I want to be an example to people. I want to tell the story about how I got through possibly the hardest time in my life as a young adult. I want to end that story with,
“here I am, better than ever.”