Hey guys, welcome back to TNTH!
Even more so: welcome back to another installment of:
I’ve been wanting to do more of these little sitdown rants about just what’s been up with me and what I’m currently feeling and going through, but I always try to gear my conversations on TNTH general and broad so that they can be relatable to a larger audience.
Still, I miss these voiceless rants.
Anyway, as October flies on by and December is practically rolling around, the thought of my 2017 New Years Resolutions came up, and it had me wondering if I ever achieved them this far into the year.
On the first morning of 2017 (and by morning I mean 4 o’clock in the morning), Obie and I stayed up and ate a late-night meal after spending the night at the bar, celebrating the new year. Something personal in my life happened that night, and I was still very shooked up about it, and Obie could see in my eyes that I was clearly still upset about it. I was visibly getting more upset because that’s the type of person I am; if someone can see that something is wrong with me, I completely break down. Tearfully, I just told him “Just talk. Talk to me please.” The first thing he said was “what is one thing you want to accomplish this new year?”
“All I want this year is to be fearless,” I said.
I pictured 2017 to be better than 2016. Last year, I’ve set a new years resolution to finally be peaceful and happy, and I accomplished that. It was one of the best years I had in a really long time, even if I did have some problematic areas in my life. I realized that I was beginning to get anxiety when I graduated college and started grad school. I began regretting and doubting a lot of things in my life, even if they were the smallest things like “damn, I shouldn’t have worn this outfit today.” It was getting really bad.
So I decided to enter 2017 with the mindset that I wanted to be fearless. I wanted to do simple things like work out without feeling fat-shamed, go to social gatherings without feeling extremely anxious, and make choices because I want to do them, not because I have to. I wanted to stop being so afraid of taking chances, and I committed to doing so in 2017. It’s pretty much how TNTH came to be. But like everything else, life happens, and New Years Resolutions get forgotten by the second or third week of the new year. LOng story short, most of the year didn’t go as planned. I kept making rational decisions about this in place of “taking risks”, and my anxiety rose up as grad school got more tedious.
For the most part, I didn’t do what I wanted to do in 2017.
As the year comes to an end, I came to revisit this idea of being fearless. I still want to stop feeling anxious over the littlest things and take risks without regretting it. I want to defend myself in situations where I feel people are taking advantage of me or my kindness. I wanted to feel great in my skin because I’m good enough to feel good in my skin. Ultimately, I didn’t get to achieve those things. But the year isn’t over yet.
In the last two weeks, I found myself taking risks. I spontaneously got my second tattoo, I defended myself in a school situation I was a part of, and I bleached my hair as well as cut it even shorter. Now, I know that for most people, hair isn’t important but to me, it’s an accessory. I feel my best when my hair is done the way I want it to be, and in the last year, I cut about 6 inches of my hair. For a while, I was one of those girls who kept the length of their hair just to say that it was long. I grew tired of it, I was playing it safe. Up until this point, I told my sister to “trim it just to keep the length”. The last time she cut my hair, I told her to cut it “as short as it needed to be because of the damage my hair had. Currently, it’s really short. I’ve had people all around me try to discourage me and say that “I look like a boy” and “I should stop cutting it because I look ugly with short hair and all I’ve said to those people is why does it bother you so much?
Short hair is liberating. New tattoos are liberating. Standing up for what I believe in is liberating. Defending myself in situations is liberating. Being fearless is liberating.
Although I am nowhere near I want to be, I know that I am not afraid to get there. Being fearless is something that I haven’t been since I was a child, a time when I didn’t have anything to lose. Being fearless is basically the opposite of who I am and how most people know me, but I’m ready to do it as an adult. I’m ready to get the respect I deserve not only from others but from myself too. I let things dictate the way I live my life and at the end of the day, I suffer from it.
To not go off on a tangent, I am ending this year on something I started on at the beginning of it.
I know it’s still way too easy to make New Years Resolutions for 2018, but I hope that I don’t give up on myself. I hope that the struggles and obstacles I’m facing currently don’t completely affect my mental health. I hope that I am able to take on tasks and make decisions just for the sole reason being that I can say that I tried doing it. I hope that I continue to work hard on my studies, to finish grad-school on time, go for job interviews without letting my social anxiety get to me, to conquer every self-doubt I ever had about myself.
If you had new years resolutions you forgot about, take a moment to think about them. Why did you want to achieve that in the first place? Why did you stop going for it?
Most importantly, would you try again?