Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: Saying Goodbye To This Body.

liz

As the days come closer, I am anxious, stressed, and going through a whirlwind of emotions.

It is December 5th, 2020. I am sitting here, writing this post with the thought in mind that in a month, I will most likely have more information about my next chapter than I do now. I might be in a place where I’m already in the beginning of changing my life around, just weeks away from making possibly the biggest change in my life thus far. I will be entering my 27th year, thinking about the year ahead and how different that will look for me further along 2021.

Hi, my name is Liz, and I’m in the process of closing this chapter of my life.

Last November, I went to my primary care doctor and asked me something I was scared of asking for a really long time: “are you interested in weight-loss surgery?” I told her I was, and I started my journey of this weight-loss program in January. Before the pandemic, I would’ve been scheduled to have this surgery back in July/August. It baffles me that my life would’ve been so different if the pandemic wasn’t a thing. Would I have met the people that I know now? Would I had been in a mentally good place? Honestly, where would I’ve been?

Fast forward to the end of 2020 and I’m nervous more than ever about this process.

This month, I start the month-long pre-op diet; for the next month prior to surgery I have to follow a strict diet in order to prepare my body for the upcoming surgery. It’s been difficult for me to grasp this feeling that my body is going to change and that the way I eat and live my life will be different. It’s been hard for me to even get ready for this diet and it’s definitely been causing me an immense amount of stress and anxiety just… thinking about my reasoning and beliefs in doing something like this.

I’m afraid of my body changing so much, my social situations even change. I’m so worried that once I get this surgery and follow through with it and start to visually look different, I will gain attention from people. I will “look good” and I will “get compliments on how great I look” and I don’t know… that leaves an awful taste in my mouth.

Do people not think I “look good” now? In this body? Weight and everything? Fat?

It used to not bother me as much in the past, but I guess as the time gets closer and the responses I’ve been getting from people around me, it has me wondering just how much I was “in love” with my body. Last year, I started this series to talk about my journey of self-acceptance and loving myself in this body. I started the Overexposed series to remind myself that I should be okay in the body that I have and that if anything, I should love the skin that I’m in, despite how much of it is there. What changed?

I don’t know. Maybe it’s just the energies around me. Maybe it’s my new expectations for myself. Maybe it’s the fact that I told myself I was so happy with my body but mistaken it for settling for it instead of improving for my own self-esteem reasons and confidence. Maybe the fact that this surgery is just around the corner has got me really in my bag about this.

Maybe it’s the fact that it’s becoming more real as the days pass. I will be saying goodbye to this body in a couple of months, watching her change and look different than it ever has before. I mean, it’s technically still my body. It’s still my skin. Are we really saying goodbye to my body? Maybe just the way it is in its current state, but it’s still me. I still come with the way I am and the things that I like and don’t like and at the end of the day, nothing is changing besides the way my body is built.

But still, it feels like I am saying goodbye to the Liz in the photos that are on my social media platforms, my Polaroid pictures, and the pictures that live inside my camera roll on my phone.

So, I guess this is a goodbye then. Goodbye to the Liz that had to find her self-worth later in life due to society’s outlook on overweight, short girls. Goodbye to the Liz that at times holds a lot of self-image issues because of old photos of her youth. Goodbye to the Liz that I’ve known in this body for the last 26 years.

But man, hello to the Liz that I’m excited to become.

Creative Pieces, The "Something" Series

“Let Me Ask You Something” : A Scene.

liz
I Never Thought I Fall For You (Dark Pit x Reader) *Re-Writing* - Chapter 5: Unexpected Meeting - Wattpad

The night sky in NYC is pink with the street lights enhancing the snow falling. Max steps out of a cab in front of a modern apartment building; he power walks towards the entrance and swings the door open. The lady at the front desk waves in Max’s direction; he’s definitely been in this apartment complex building a ton of times within the last year. He walks to the elevators and goes to the 16th floor.

The elevator doors open and Max looks straight forward once they do. A man with blonde hair, wire-thin glasses, formal casual attire, and a beige wool coat is seen standing there. Both men briefly lock eyes. The blonde guy walks into the elevator while Max walks out; the doors close shut once he turns around to look at the blonde man. Max walks towards an apartment door and knocks on it.

Moments later, the door opens. A petite woman with curly auburn hair stands here in a black knitted fit-and-flare dress. Her eyes widen.

Grace: Max?

Grace opens the door wide enough to let Max walk into the apartment. Grace peeks out to the hallway for a brief hallway.

Max: *without looking back* Blondie left.

Grace slowly closes the door and looks at Max. Max turns around to face Grace.

Max: Cute dress, Ashmore.

Grace: What are you doing here, Max?

Max walks around the tiny kitchen area. Grace’s eyes follow him.

Max: So, was your date with Blondie the reason why you didn’t want to spend time with your daughter this weekend? Wanted to play with your boy toy?

Grace: *defensive* You don’t know what you’re talking about and honestly, it’s none of your business whatever the fuck I do. We aren’t together.

Max: That’s not the bloody point, Grace. The fact of the matter is that you chose some pretty boy over your daughter!

Grace: My parents have her for the night, you jerk. I’ll be picking her up tomorrow.

Max: *a little louder* What’s the point? She comes back to me anyway tomorrow night! And the night after that, and the night after! My point– Grace– is the fact that you put your needs and wants before Willow’s.

Grace: *visibly defensive* Excuse me for wanting to spend my Saturday finishing up a case that has been stressing me the fuck out and hanging out with a friend of mine!

Max: *furious* Cut the bullshit, Grace! You couldn’t even tell Emerson what the hell you were doing because you knew he would bring it up tonight!

Grace: *stern* You spoke to Emerson about me?

Max: I mean, it’s a little hard not to speak about the fact that today would’ve been our wedding day.

Grace stands there in deep thought. She looks anxious, and Max notices it. He softens up and takes a deep breath.

Max: Let me ask you something, Grace…

Max walks over to Grace and looks in her eyes. He’s soft, apologetic; a familiar side to Max that Grace knows well. Grace doesn’t say anything.

Max: Do you not miss… us? What we were, what we had?

Grace stays silent, but lingers on the thought. Her eyes hide a truth that maybe she wasn’t aware of.

Grace: What’s the point thinking about that? What does it matter? We broke up, and we didn’t work out.

Max: That’s not what I asked, Grace.

Grace anxiously looks at Max. He looks at her softly.

Max: There is reason why things happened the way they did, but, it doesn’t affect the way we feel about it. *sullen* It doesn’t affect the way I feel about you.

Silence fills the room, both Grace and Max take in the atmosphere.

Grace: *whispers* I would’ve broke you.

Max: That’s not up to you to decide that. You don’t know that.

Grace: *a little louder* Really? Working a case that nearly killed us, having an affair behind the firm’s back, getting pregnant with Willow, getting engaged, I–

Max’s deep breath stops Grace from continuing listing the timeline of their relationship. She looks down to the ground, defeated.

Grace: And look at us now.

Max kneels down to face Grace; he’s now the one looking up at her.

Max: Grace…

Grace doesn’t respond or look up from the floor.

Max: I don’t have any right to tell you how you feel, but I can reassure that the thoughts you may have about us are not true. You didn’t “break” me, nor would you have if we were still together. We’ve been through an immense amount of obstacles, and even through it all, I… I still miss you.

Grace finally looks up.

Max: I still miss waking up next to you in the morning. I miss standing in the kitchen drinking coffee and discussing our thoughts on the case. I miss the sound of your heels walking towards the office. I miss getting ready to leave for the day and go straight to your apartment to escort you out on dates.

Max gets up slowly from kneeling, but when he does, he lifts Grace’s head with his finger on her chin. She doesn’t protest. He deeply looks into Grace’s hazel eyes.

Max: I miss holding your hand whenever we walked down the streets of Manhattan. I miss hearing your loud laugh, whether it was from movies, stories, or just me being extremely silly.

His face gets closer to Grace’s, and again she doesn’t protest.

Max: I miss the way your lips felt when I kiss you…

He slowly leans into Grace and kisses her softly. She kisses him back almost immediately, but then steps back in a panic. Max is shocked and extremely apologetic.

Max: Shit, I’m– I’m so sorry, Grace, I didn’t–

Grace: Just go.

Max: Grace, please, I just–

Grace: Please. Just. Go.

Max doesn’t say anything after, he just starts walking towards the door. Grace doesn’t turn around to see him out, she just stands there, extremely sad.

The door closes behind her; she lets out the breath she’s been holding in for the last 5 minutes.

The "Something" Series, Topic Tuesdays: Music

The “Something” Series: The Playlist.

liz

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

So, I originally had something else planned for this first day of December…

Back in November, Play M announced that Victon would be making their comeback with their first full album, “VOICE: The Future Is Now” on December 1st. I was so fucking excited and ready for this comeback, like was mentally preparing for this comeback for months; we knew that they were getting ready for their first full album!

Update: VICTON Dazzles In New Group Photo For “VOICE: The Future Is Now” Comeback | Soompi

Look at Seungsik in the center with that platinum hair looking just… a m a z i n g.

Anyway, two weeks prior to their comeback date, it was revealed that a staff member at a production company the group was filming in was positive for COVID-19. The boys got tested and all came back negative, but they are required to self-quarantine for 14 days, which overlaps their comeback schedule. Their album was delayed until January 28th, 2021. All I’m saying is that I better listen to this album before my surgery or literally in my hospital afterwards because like… I need to hear it whatever the circumstances are!

TLDR, we are deciding to use this post to talk about music still!

So, my best friend, Ro (I feel like I mentioned this already but here is a retelling of it) is currently writing a really interesting book that started out as fan-fiction. 300+ pages in and a second book in the works, homie got a real juicy story happening. Their process of writing it has been with the help of some Spotify playlists! In numerous playlists named after the main characters of the story, Ro adds songs that relate to these characters and what they’re going through and writes along to the playlists. I felt really inspired to do something similar to that process, and created “the something series” playlist!

The “Ro” Playlist.
The “Chan” Playlist.

So, just as a simple thank you to those who’ve been keeping up with the lives of Grace and Jamie, I’m sharing some of the music that I listen to when writing them and brainstorming the universe as a whole!

Enjoy listening, happy reading, and I hope you find some new cool music in this!

Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: I’m a Hypersensitive Person.

liz

Perhaps I take things way too seriously.

Perhaps I read into things way too deeply and the thoughts linger longer than what a normal person would allow. Perhaps I take words and actions and movements to the heart when really their true intentions weren’t meant to be. Perhaps my anxiety makes things worse than what they truly are, but does that still invalidate my feelings?

Hi, my name is Liz, and I’m a hypersensitive person.

There as no surprise when I first told myself this information. As a matter of fact, I actually questioned just how long would it take for me to accept the fact that I am just a sensitive person. I’ve been this way for awhile; I easily can get hurt by the way people say things, I hold onto things way longer than I should, but I never seem to have people understand this side of me. There is a way I would love for you to talk to me, but even if you can’t, please be considerate and understand when your words or actions hurt.

Perhaps this hypersensitive side of me stems from my anxiety; maybe that’s why my anxiety exists in the first place.

My social anxiety stems from being and interacting in social events and situations. Typically, on good days, I am able to handle being in social situations and I’m able to be myself as much as possible. But, if I’m feeling a little off or if I’m in a situation where I’m exposed and left for judgment, I feel like I can instantly read someone’s comments and remarks wrongly, and hence me thinking about my life choices and shit for hours on end.

Sometimes I have to tell myself that things like that are not made out of malice or with the intention of hurting me, that it’s okay to take people’s thoughts and opinions with an open mind and remember that those are thoughts and opinions of other people, not myself. It’s not easy though. You want others to see that you’re good and that you’re better and that whatever you do or make decisions for are the right ones and the smart ones and when you don’t get that, you second-guess everything. You start wondering things about yourself that you didn’t think to be true prior to hearing them from other people.

I’ve realized that no matter how confident I get or how in tune I become with my mind and my body, I feel always feel this sense of relief when someone says or mentions something positive about an aspect of my life that I’m not normally confident or happy with. My hypersensitivity will always stem from a place of me wanting approval from those around me, and as much as I try changing that, it seems like I’m back to square one. It’s not that I’m being a defeatist, it’s just the fact that I have to accept that I’m just a sensitive person and when things are said of done that hurt me, I have to personally be gentle with myself and take care of my needs and before I can move forward.

Is it weird? Yeah. Does it make me dramatic and can come off as something really annoying? Absolutely. I’ve met people like me that I’ve felt that way towards because I didn’t understand how hypersensitivity works for them. I didn’t realize that these people struggle the same way I do with things that seem minor or just not relevant in everyday conversation.

For me, I think it was hard to see the difference between what were the things that honestly hurt my feelings and need to speak about them versus me being a little sensitive to feedback and opinions of others. I always would react negatively to both and allow those judgments and opinions of others influence my self-image and how I valued myself. At this point in my life, I can’t allow other people to persuade how I view myself and how i go about treating myself. If anything, just have to be aware enough to know the fact that people’s opinions are their opinions, and they don’t mean anything malice or judgmental about it. It’s just the way of life, y’know?

So here i am, claiming my hypersensitivity. Here I am, being aware that I may take things seriously. I don’t mean to, but I will, but I will realize when I do, and I will realize when I’m not. But for the most part, I will know the difference between the two.

Creative Pieces, The "Something" Series

“Tell Me Something” : A Scene.

liz

In a quiet street in Brooklyn, an apartment building with various lit windows are shown on a winter night. Street lights illuminate the street, and cars drive by occasionally.

In the small apartment a man in his 20’s, Emerson, is walking towards the kitchen and takes two glasses out of the cabinet. He pours beer into the glasses. In the living room, a man, Max, sits with one leg across his knee, laying back on the couch.

Emerson: *from the kitchen* So, the baby is at Grandma’s for the night?

Max: Yeah, Grace’s parents have her for the night. It’s one of the first nights that neither me or Grace have her, which is weird.

Emerson walks to the living room and hands a glass to Max. He sits in the chair across from the couch.

Emerson: I mean, it’s good that you’re getting a break. We haven’t had a night like this in a long time.

Max: I know, remember when I would just crash at your place on nights where I was working on the case; files everywhere and papers just piled on your counter.

Emerson laughs and raises his glass before taking a sip of his drink.

Emerson: Man, I wanted to just toss all of it in the garbage when you worked that damn case.

Max: *laughs* Well, the past is in the past.

Emerson: Mmm, *takes a sip* You miss it?

Max: Not really. I enjoy just being behind the scenes; teaching it instead of being a apart of it. My priorities changed when Willow was born, y’know?

Emerson: I feel that… not the whole “having a kid” thing but having different priorities. I mean, before I met Cami, my priorities were all out of shape. But she’s definitely helping me see more of my future, y’know?

Max: That’s great, mate. I’m happy for you!

They both take sips from their beer.

Emerson: Cami’s really good for me, hopefully within the year we could find a place together, take that next step in our relationship.

Max: At least one of us is taking steps forward. *sips from glass*

Emerson: Hey, you’re a dad. That’s a huge step forward.

Max shrugs his shoulders and takes in a deep breath.

Max: I know Grace is family and you wouldn’t ever speak poorly about her, but… *sighs* Have you spoken to her lately?

Emerson ponders in thought for a moment.

Emerson: She’s definitely been busier than lately, you know how serious she takes her job.

Max: Don’t have to tell me twice. She couldn’t take Willow for the weekend most likely because of her job. Classic Grace.

Emerson looks at Max in a uncomfortable way. Max notices.

Max: Sorry, mate.

Emerson: It’s all good. I just… I don’t know, Grace is a different type of human. She means well, she’s just… Grace.

Max looks at Emerson while sipping his beer. Emerson doesn’t make eye-contact with him. Max notices and he places his glass down on the coffee table.

Max: Tell me something…

Emerson looks at Max after taking a sip; his attention now on Max.

Max: *hesitant* Is Grace dating again?

Emerson: …What?

Max: Look I know it’s none of my business, but I just… *gathers thoughts* A couple of weeks ago, there was another man in her apartment.

Emerson’s eyes widen.

Emerson: How do you know that?

Max: I went to pick up Willow from Grace’s one weekend and there was a guy sitting in her living room… holding Willow. Holding my bloody daughter, mate!

Emerson shifts in his seat, he keeps sipping his drink and listening to what Max is saying. Max is visibly getting angry at the thought as he tells the story.

Emerson: I mean, maybe she just gave Willow to the guy when she was answering the door?

Max: *shakes head* I know Willow well enough to know when she’s comfortable with a person. She was highly comfortable sitting in that man’s lap… That wasn’t the first time Grace was around that man with Willow.

Emerson is dumbfound; truly at a loss for words.

Max: So there I am, just staring at this man holding my daughter, and I guess Grace caught on and immediately took Willow and handed her over to me. I swear he just saw there with the most worried look on his face, just waiting for her to come back from getting Willow’s bag.

Emerson: Did you tell her anything about it?

Max: I told her as soon as she walked me to the door. She insisted that he was just a friend of hers. A Sunday night just bum around with a guy that’s “just a friend”.

Emerson: I know that must be hard to see, I’m–

Max: *interrupts* To believe that today would’ve been our wedding day…

Emerson takes a deep sigh and finally faces Max.

Emerson: Listen, I’m saying this as your friend; I think… it’s time to move on, bro. Like, i’m not saying that to be cold-hearted or anything, I’m saying it because… man you deserve to move on and just focus on you.

Max: *annoyed* I appreciate the prep talk, Emerson, but quite frankly I am a single father in his mid 20’s, in what possible world will I ever have time to think and focus on myself?

Max’s arms flail as he speaks.

Max: Unfortunately, I don’t have the same luxury as Grace has. She has all the time in the world to just go out and snog whoever she bloody pleases!

Emerson looks confused.

Max: Date, Emerson, date!

Emerson: *nods his head* Gotchaaaa, I– *sighs* Still, I think what you and Grace had was great, but I think if she can move–

Max cocks his eyebrows.

Max: What?

Emerson: Nothing, I was just saying that you should–

Max: Nuh-uh, mate, you were talking about Grace moving on? Has she moved on yet?

Emerson is now nervous, he takes his head into his hands and takes a deep breath. Max gets up from the sofa.

Max: Is Grace dating that man, Emerson?

Emerson: *looks up at Max* I–

Max: Fucking hell, mate!

Emerson: Listen, I– I actually don’t know. Grace hasn’t said anything to me about this guy…

Max: She knows you’ll tell me.

Emerson: Exactly.

Max turns around and paces around the living room.

Max: I can’t believe she already moved on… it’s been 5 months!

Emerson: Look, maybe that’s just a work friend of hers, I know she’s always telling me how she has a friend that is helping her look over this case…

Max looks at Emerson, confused.

Max: He’s a lawyer?

Emerson shrugs his shoulders. Max closes his eyes and takes everything in.

Max: Emerson… I still love Grace.

Emerson’s eyes widen in shock.

Max: And for her to just move on as if our relationship never happened–

Max’s eyes widen in realization.

Max: *gets up from sofa* She told me she couldn’t take Willow for the night tonight because she had plans. *gets angry* She’s probably out with that wanker.

Emerson: Look, man – we don’t know that for sure…

Max: Emerson, you know you don’t fucking believe that.

Max walks towards the front door and gathers his winter coat, Emerson follows him; concerned.

Emerson: Whoa, where are you going? You’re not about to just show up there, are you?

Max: Why shouldn’t I? This isn’t about me, this is about the fact that the one night I wanted to be a regular 26-year-old man and hand my child to her mother, her mother declines to spend time with her so she can spend it with a complete stranger. Classic fuckin’ Grace.

Emerson: Max, wait–

Max leaves out the front door and Emerson paces near the door, wondering what is about to happen at Grace’s apartment.

Creative Pieces, The "Something" Series

“Say Something”: A Scene.

liz
Tips for Planning Your Best Stay-Home Date Night

The city lights illuminate the skyline as tables and light conversations are heard throughout the restaurant. A live smooth jazz band is playing music on the little stage in the room, and the lights are slightly dimmed with candles lit on every table. Two people walk in, hand-in-hand, and stop at the reservations stand. After giving the waitress their name, she guides the couple to a booth next to the window that is overlooking the Hudson River and the rest of the city.

The couple, Grace and Jamie, take their coats off; Jamie helps Grace with her coat and places it in the seat next to him. He kindly helps Grace into the booth before he slides in opposite of her. The waitress hands them menus and gives them time to discuss.

Grace: This is… mad fancy. We didn’t have to come here.

Jamie smirks as he opens the menu.

Jamie: A special dinner for a special girl.

Grace smiles to herself and hides her blushing face into the menu. Thoughts are running through her head as she looks at the dishes on the menu. She panics once she realizes the menu is all in a different language. She places the menu down and looks at Jamie, who is still browsing.

Grace: *whispers* Jamie…

Jamie looks up towards Grace attentively. Wow, who would’ve thought a person would drop everything they were doing to just look at her this way? She places the menu down and leams forward to the table a bit.

Grace: This menu is… not in English.

A lightbulb goes off in Jamie’s head; he raises his hand for a waiter and says something in Korean. Grace has absolutely no idea what is going on, but moments later, another menu is placed in front of her, this time in English. Jamie bows at the waiter, and Grace follows along.

Jamie: Sorry about that, I should’ve let them know to bring out a English menu.

Grace: The fact that this place does something like that makes this place 500 times fancier, like wow.

Jamie laughs and his eyes smile along with it. It has become one of Grace’s most comfortable sounds to hear in the world.

Jamie: They are actually based in Korea, the franchise has expanded and I definitely had to try it when I was in New York. Of course, it’s great to experience this with someone though.

Grace: *smiles* Ahh… girlfriend back in Korea was your plus one?

Jamie: *playfully* Are you asking me if I have a girlfriend waiting for me back in Korea?

Grace: I don’t know, I think only the most boujee of men take their girlfriends or wives to places like this.

Jamie scrunches his eyebrow in confusion.

Jamie: “boo-jay?”

Grace laughs a hearty laugh and quickly covers her mouth to mute the loud laugh.

Grace: No, No, “boo-zhee”, it means fancy and fabulous and like… high class.

Jamie shakes his head in understanding.

Jamie: I would go out with my friends for celebrations and birthdays to this restaurant, no girlfriends.

Grace: Ahhh, no time for a girlfriend?

Jamie looks up at Grace, and Grace immediately wishes she was more careful with her words.

Jamie: Do we really have time to do anything but our work in this profession?

Grace plays with the rim of her drink, she takes in a deep breath.

Grace: You don’t have to tell me twice.

The waiter comes back and asks for their orders. Grace stares at Jamie casually talking to the waiter in Korean and telling her the orders that they decided on. Grace notices just how comfortable Jamie is when he’s talking in Korean. When the waiter leaves, his attention is instantly on Grace.

Grace: How did you learn English?

Jamie: *sarcastically* The same way you did.

Grace: *sucks her teeth* You know what I mean. Like, you live in a country where you don’t really need to know English to get by. But, like, you speak it extremely well.

Jamie: My mother always told me and my older sisters that math is important and every other subject is too, but you won’t get far in life if we don’t study English. My sister decided her life was in Korea and she married young and had kids but for me, I wanted more than just a life in Korea. So, here we are.

Grace: Is this your first time in the States?

Jamie: No, I was in California a few years ago on vacation. But, nothing for business. This is my first business related trip to the States.

Grace nods her head, hands crossed in a ball near her face, elbows on the table.

Jamie: It’s funny, because on my first trip here, I remember carrying a “Korean-to-English” dictionary everywhere I went. Of course, My accent was more apparent a couple of years ago, so you would think the English words I was saying was still in Korean. So many people did not understand me just asking where the restroom was in public places.

Grace: *giggles* That’s… mad cute.

Jamie leans forward with his arms crossed.

Jamie: I’ve noticed that you say that word a lot, and I always meant to ask if you’re actually… mad?

Grace laughs and shakes her head.

Grace: No, no, in this situation, “mad” doesn’t mean “mad”, it means “really” or “very”. It’s not necessarily a part of the English language, it’s just slang.

Jamie: *nods his head* Ahh, I see. So if I say that you’re really pretty, I can just say that you’re “mad pretty”?

Grace’s eyebrows cock up in surprise and without her realizing, her face turns red.

Grace: That’s correct.

Jamie smiles at Grace, and Grace does the same for Jamie.

Grace: Say something to me in Korean.

Jamie: Just anything?

Grace: Well, something that I can use in situations where I’ll need to know Korean.

Jamie: *laughs* How about I teach you how to say “thank you”? For the waitress when she comes back.

Grace claps her hands together in excitement and Jamie just admires the small, excited girl in front of him.

Jamie: Okay, okay. So it’s more than a simple thank you. The polite way to thank someone is “gamsahabnida“

Grace: *blinks in confusion* I’m sorry, what?

Jamie: *giggles* I swear it’s easy: “gam-sahab-ni-da”.

Grace: *sounds it out* “gum-say-hob-knee-da”

Jamie laughs and says something else in Korean, this time in a cute-like voice.

Grace: Hey, that’s not fair, you can’t just say another word and not let me know what it means!

Jamie: *smirks* It means “cute”. Try it again: “gam-sahab-ni-da”.

Grace: *carefully* “gam-sahab-ni-da”.

Jamie: There you go! Now you know how to say something in Korean. I can always teach you more if you’re ever interested in learning.

Grace: *a little flirty* Just tell me where and when class begins and I’ll show up.

Grace’s eyes widen and immediately hides her face in embarrassment. Jamie shyly looks away and his attention us now towards the drink on the table.

The waiter comes back with the plates of food, and before Jamie speaks, Grace bows down and says “thank you” in Korean. The waitress cocks her eyebrows up and smiles, she bows for Grace and walks away. Jamie smiles a huge smile at Grace.

Grace: She probably knows you just taught me that.

Jamie: *laughs* Possibly, but she smiled at you when you said it, not me.

Grace rolls her eyes and starts to eat the food in front of her. Jamie proceeds to do the same. They eat and carry the night eating their dinner, carrying conversation, and having drinks.

Meanwhile…

The dark apartment lights up and two people walk into it. Jamie closes the door behind them while Grace forcefully takes her heels off near the door. Jamie helps Grace out of her coat before putting it on her coat rack near the front door. He watches Grace walk towards her couch and put her legs on top of the coffee table.

Grace: *looks at Jamie and pats at the spot of the sofa next to her* Come.

Jamie awkwardly stands near the front door, still wearing his coat.

Jamie: Are you sure? How are you feeling?

Grace gets up and walks to Jamie.

Grace: I had 2 drinks, Jamie, I’m perfectly fine.

Grace giggles and takes Jamie by the hand to lead them to the couch. He doesn’t protest; he simply follows her. They sit down as the music playing next door surrounds the room. Grace lays her head on Jamie’s shoulder. Their hands never unclasp from each other’s.

Grace: I really had a good time tonight. Thank you again for taking me out.

Jamie: It was my pleasure taking you out from under your paperwork for one night.

Grace looks up at Jamie, then straightforward. The conversation pauses to listen to the music playing next door.

Grace: Did you think that in your time in New York, you’d be sitting in a woman’s living room, who’s as fucked up as me?

Jamie looks at Grace, confused. She doesn’t budge or look at him; she just continues to look ahead. Jamie doesn’t say anything.

Grace: *pity smirks* The answer is no. Because why would you assume that you’d be caught up with a woman like me…

Jamie: And what type of woman would that be?

Grace rubs her thumb along Jamie’s; she doesn’t say anything right away, but she’s deep in thought.

Grace: The type that doesn’t have her shit together. The one that lives in a one bedroom apartment by herself and not with her daughter. The one that’s 25 and still far along from her career; the one she gave everything up for.

Grace faces is sullen as Jamie never takes his gaze away from her. Grace releases a deep sigh and takes her hand away from his.

Grace: Sorry, I shouldn’t have put that on you–

Jamie: It’s okay. You can talk to me.

Grace’s gaze breaks as she hears Jamie’s voice. She looks at him intently. She looks down and puts her hand back in Jamie’s. He squeezes it in reassurance.

Grace: I’m just not the type of woman you’re supposed to be with. I break things. I break promises.

Grace’s eyes get watery. She widens her eyes to prevent the tears from falling.

Grace: I would’ve gotten married today.

Jamie takes his free hand and lifts Grace’s chin, which causes her to look at Jamie.

Jamie: Hey, it’s okay.

Grace stares at Jamie for a moment before saying anything.

Grace: Say something.

Jamie: *confused* Uhm, uhh–

Grace: In Korean.

Jamie’s face gets closer to Grace’s.

Jamie: “dangsin-eun wanbyeoghabnida”

Jamie cups Grace’s face and gently kisses her. She kisses him back, taking her free hand and runs her fingers through his hair. He pulls away from the kiss and rests his forehead on hers.

Jamie: You are perfect.

Grace looks at Jamie before kissing him again and gently tugs at his shirt towards her, causing him to lean forward onto her as she lays back on the couch. The soft music is still heard playing next door, and the cars on the busy street are heard driving by.

Creative Pieces, The "Something" Series

Something about Him: A Scene.

liz
18 photos show how the NYC skyline has changed in the past decade - Business Insider

Grace sits at a desk in an office in the middle of New York City. The sun is going down and it’s time for her to leave the job behind and enjoy the weekend to come. She doesn’t stop. She’s flipping through pages in front of her, occasionally placing a pen in her mouth every time she was deep in thought. Before she was able to get anything concrete on paper, a knock is heard at the door. Grace rolls her eyes.

Grace: *shouts* Whoever that is, I hope it’s for a good reason!

The door opens and Ari, a tall, model-like woman with long, black hair walks in; the heels she is wearing is making her look even taller.

Ari: I mean, that is no way to be talking to the girl who’s here to remind you that you have a hot date to get ready for!

Grace smiles and laughs to herself; Ari is her best-friend who is currently interning for the firm. She met Ari during one of the firm’s social gathering events when Grace was still dating Max. She recalls Ari calling Max a “British snacc” before realizing Grace was his girlfriend. With both of their strong personalities, they instantly hit it off, and since then they have been best friends; both in work and outside of work.

Grace: I have too much work to worry about that, I can just go like this anyway.

Ari: *baffled* You’re kidding me, right?

Ari walks up to Grace’s desk and takes the papers from her desk.

Grace: What are you–?!

Ari: *interrupts* You are not going to overwork yourself when you have a hot Asian man coming here to take you on a date; I mean how long has it been since you had a man dick you down?

Grace rubs her eyes.

Grace: Ari, remember I am your superior.

Ari: Bitch, it’s 6:30, work ended like an hour ago for you!

Grace deadpans Ari. Ari cocks her eyebrows up; Grace knows Ari’s right. Grace rolls her eyes and finally puts the remaining papers down on the desk. She takes a deep breath.

Grace: Should I just cancel? I mean, we’re both probably going to be tired from work anyway…

Ari: Any man that likes a woman isn’t cancelling on her, no matter how tired he is from work. Are you nervous or something?

Graces folds her arms across her chest. She doesn’t say anything. Ari takes a seat across from the desk.

Ari: Grace Ashmore, afraid of a little innocent date with a man? *playfully* Unless this date isn’t so innocent, if you know what I’m saying. *winks*

Grace: Ari…

Ari: Talk to me, babes! What’s wrong? Why are you so not excited for this date? Is he a creep? Is he ugly? Is he not packing?

Grace: *annoyed* Ari!

Ari shuts up. Grace takes a deep breath; a loose hair in front of her face flies up when she exhales.

Grace: I’m just… really nervous. I don’t date.

Ari: Ain’t that the truth, which sucks in my opinion, but go on.

Grace side eyes Ari.

Grace: *sarcastically* Sorry, I don’t feel like ruining another man’s life by giving them a baby and then ultimately leave him with so-said-baby.

The air gets tense.

Ari: Grace, you gotta move on from that. Like yeah, you and Max were cute together, but it didn’t work out. You shouldn’t dwell on that and fuck up the opportunities you have now for happiness.

Grace: I’m a mom, Ari. I was fucking engaged to Max. We were suppose to work out. We worked and I just–

Ari: No.

Grace: *confused* What?

Ari: *in a serious tone* I will not allow you to sit here and think about the what if’s. It’s not fair to Jamie.

Grace looks uneasy. She doesn’t say anything.

Ari: From what I hear about this guy, I can tell he’s diggin’ you so hard, Grace. For starters, he fucking adores Willow. Like, for most men, a woman with a baby and some baby daddy is just too much to deal with. Plus you’re a workaholic? Grace, he’s diggin’ you, and it’s not fair to him that he’s literally telling you that he likes you and you just brush him off because you think you’ll scare him away.

Grace sits there in silence; she starts to think about the last couple of weeks with Jamie. He feels… different. He feels like Jamie genuinely enjoys her company whether they are together. He doesn’t feel complicated; most of the days they are together she’s working on her case while he’s working on his own work or reading a book or just looking after Willow for the time being; nothing major has to happen and nothing really has to be said. They just… enjoy each other’s company.

Grace shakes off the thought.

Grace: He’s just really good company, Ari. Nothing more, nothing less.

Ari: *rolls eyes* Well, whatever you guys are, let him know what the deal is tonight; don’t string him along if you don’t feel the same.

Ari shrugs and walks towards the door, she shouts something as she’s walking out.

Ari: *in a distance* Your outfit is hanging up in your bathroom, you’re welcome.

The door closes. Grace runs her hands through her hair. She gets up from her chair and walks to the bathroom.

Meanwhile…

Ari is talking to the woman at the front desk, papers in hand, coat & purse on her as she gets ready to leave for the day. The revolving doors spin, Ari turns around to see who it is. A man dressed in black dress shoes, brown mock-neck sweater, and a beige pea-coat walks in; he’s holding a small bouquet of flowers.

He walks to the front desk as both women hush their conversation. The man smiles before he speaks.

Jamie: Hi, I’m looking for Grace Ashmore.

Ari looks at Jamie.

Receptionist: She’s out of office for the day, she won’t be available until next–

Ari: *interrupts* He’s not a client, Mai. *to Jamie* 15th floor, first door on the left.

Jamie smiles and bows down in respect.

Jamie: Thank you, have a nice night, ladies.

Jamie walks to the elevator as the two women look back at him.

Mai: Is that…?

Ari: Oh yeah. Grace better not fuck this up.

Upstairs…

Grace walks out from the bathroom in her date-night outfit; she’s wearing a turtleneck sweater knit dress with knee high boots and black stockings. She fixes her hair and touches up her makeup until she hears a knock on the door.

Grace: *loudly* Ari, I have a word to pick with you for putting condoms in my–

Grace opens the door and to her surprise, it’s Jamie. She’s in shock.

Grace: Oh! Jamie! I– Uhm–

Jamie smiles at the nervous woman in front of him. Grace just stares.

Grace: Wow, you look so good. *realizes* Fuck, I didn’t mean to think that out loud, I–

Jamie laughs to himself and hands the flowers to Grace. She takes them and looks back at Jamie. He looks at her in awe.

Jamie: You look… absolutely stunning tonight, Grace.

They both stand there for a moment, admiring each other’s presence.

Topic Tuesdays: Raw & Personal

11/8: love me, even with my anxiety.

liz

To my future lover,

I don’t know how we will meet. Possibly you’ll come from a mutual friend and they introduce me as “Liz, she’s my short, sweet and sassy friend!” and maybe you’ll find that really funny. Maybe I will meet you on my way to work and you notice the pins on my denim jacket and ask me what they are. Maybe I’ll meet you at my future job, during a job event, talking about the things that interest us or about the funny things that happen at our job. Maybe I will just shoot my shot one day, come to you and say that your tattoos look nice or that your hair looks so bad-ass. Maybe I’ll be bold enough to see you at my current job at the bookstore, write my phone number on your receipt in hopes you’ll call or text me. (For reference, I did that to a guy earlier this year and although we aren’t dating, he’s an amazing fucking friend).

I say this because I will probably tell you that I like you way too early in our relationship, I will probably get flustered and red when I say or do something that I think is major when really, you didn’t even read too much into it. I will probably get way too attached way too soon and express the fact that I will be afraid of losing you because there have been so many in the past that have left because I was “doing too much” or I left because I thought “I wasn’t good enough”. You were probably catch on extremely quick to the fact that I’m hypersensitive, I’m anxious, and the sweet fun-loving girl you got to know isn’t always going to be there. Sometimes, I’ll be the opposite; sometimes I will push you away because I feel like I’ll hurt you or that I’ll be too much for you in my bad moments. Sometimes I will hold onto things for hours on end because my anxiety will not let it go for the life of me. Sometimes, I may annoy you, disappoint you, anger or frustrate you due to the way I handle things.

I hope that you love me through it all.

Reassure me. Tell me that I can be loved. Tell me I’m good enough. Tell me that my feelings are valid and that whatever bad things I may be thinking or feeling, that they will pass soon. Hug me when it looks like I’m about to fall apart. Shush me when I cry while you rub my back. Listen when my irrational thoughts are pouring out and I can’t stop. Distract me with things that will make me smile, like silly random videos, or pictures of my favorite Kpop group; literally about anything that leaves a smile on my face.

Most importantly, I hope that after the storm, after the tears and the anxiety attacks and episodes, you still smile and see me and love me for… me.

Love me for the moments when I’m laughing and I can’t breathe because of the laughter. Love me for the moments where we go on adventures and explore the city together. Love me for my body, big or small, short or tall, and love me for my hair; light or dark, short or long; love me by being here and by being my favorite person in the world.

Love me, even for my sadness. My bad days. My lonely days. My mental disorders. For me.

Weekly Life Updates

Happy 4th Anniversary, Victon! ♣️

liz

Happy Anniversary, boys!

It’s insane to think that a year ago around this time, you were completely wrecking my ult group, X1, with your 5th Mini Album, nostalgia, and how fucking personal and beautiful every song on the album was. At first, it wasn’t my cup of tea, but after watching the music video and watching the performances of the title track, “nostalgic night”, something about you boys captivated me.

I was a PDX101 fan; I remember watching the show over the summer and being so mesmerized by Byungchan’s visual and Seungwoo’s vocal and how well put together they were as trainees on the show. They were debuted idols already, getting a second chance at not only redebuting in a new group, but in hopes that if they did not make the final lineup, their fans will come back to them in Victon and fall in love with them as a group. In an industry with a BTS, NCT, and other monster boy groups, Victon’s success was subpar. Many people didn’t know of them despite being a group that debuted in November 2016. Prior to “nostalgic night”, they never had a music show win. Long and behold on 11/12/19, Victon had their first win, and wow – it was an emotional one; one for finally getting that win, for going through a time in their careers where disbandment was being discussed, and because Seungwoo was promoting in the PDX101 project group, X1, at the time.

It was their chemistry that got me during the summer of 2019. Watching their old reality show from 2017, it made me realize that they were more than just a group of 7 guys. They were legitimately a family, and they loved each other like brothers. In an industry where Kpop is heavily scripted and put together artificially, Victon never felt fake. They were honest, and real, and their tears and love for their fans (Alice) never felt like they came from a manufactured place. After having Victon literally destorying my life for the latter half of 2019, I finally came to terms like these boys were my boys, and they were the group that I was meant to ult. That day was 1/9/20, on my birthday, while listening to their song “The Chemistry” on the bus on my way to work.

It’s been one hell of a year for me, and it’s not even over because they are making a comeback in December with a full length album; the first in their discography. But, within the year, they’ve had two concerts, one fanmeeting, two comebacks, and so many amazing things for them as a group and for them individually!

For me, I’ve became a kpop collector; solely a Victon collector. I created a trading account in the kpop community on Instagram and in the process met so many amazing people that finally understood my love for a genre and a group as Victon. I met my best friend solely through our mutual love and utter trash for our boys. I’ve been the happiest I’ve been in a really long time because this is the first time in a really long time I felt like I was owning my damn identity. I have tattoos (3 actually) that are Kpop inspired. I wear pins and buttons and jewelry with Victon on them; I have Seungsik’s name on me in my outfits all the time because that man is my ult and like, wow the love for that man is unreal. TLDR; although there are moments where I feel like I don’t fit in due to my own worries and anxiety, I still can step back and see just how much I finally do belong in a community.

So, in all honestly – thank you, Victon, for being the catalyst for the many things to happen in 2020.

사랑해요 ~~ ❤

Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: Tainted Judgment.

liz

“You don’t know what it means to have friends because you don’t know how to be a good one, Liz. It’s why all of them left your life.”

I grew up having a ton of friends. I don’t know how I was able to have these group of friends and be able to keep them for longer periods of time, but I did. Maybe because it was just a lot easier to communicate with people that didn’t have responsibilities at the moment. I don’t know how I literally lost everyone in my life; perhaps it was because I got lost in a boy for the last decade, maybe my social anxiety just got bad; maybe I just changed as I got older and well, adult friendships are just harder to keep.

As I got older and started to find myself and who I was, I started to build friendships with people. I was starting to figure out that I was able to make friends, but I always struggled keep friendships for longer period of time. I never understood why some of the closest people in my life would disappear with absolutely no rhyme or reason, I figured it was just my lack of ability to keep friendships due to my social anxiety, but I’ve come to realize that it may be something that I’m subconsciously doing that isn’t fair nor healthy to do.

Hi, my name is Liz, and I sometimes allow my tainted judgment of people ruin the friendships I make with them.

I don’t know how of why I allow myself to think this way, but I started to realize that I was allowing my feelings and my emotions take the best of me in situations, which then lead me to feel like my friendships with people were now tainted. For example: I am learning through my best friend that even though we may disagree on how we handle things and we will argue about our thoughts and opinions in those confrontations, I shouldn’t allow the things that they can’t control to hinder how I see them or taint the friendship overall. I love my best friend, and there are amazing things about them that I never had in a best friends before, and I think because of that, it allowed me to see that perhaps I was being shitty in some of my past friendships with people and allowed my hurt, unsaid feelings to completely take over the friendship, which lead to resentment, which lead to me disappearing.

I’m tired of disappearing.

I’m tired of not speaking up when I feel like I’m hurt in a situation or like I feel like I’m not being heard, but I’m also tired of allowing every little thing get to me and taking things personally. I know that people say things out of frustration and out of anger, and I know that sometimes the way I may say things or the things that I say may come off as hurtful or defensive. We are all human, and we are all going to react the way we react. It doesn’t mean that when the confrontation is over, we don’t come back, talk things out, and carry on with the friendship. We are adults, and if the friendship is as valuable as we say it is, we will talk things out and see the positive things in said friendship.

I am learning that there are going to be things about me that my friends don’t like, but they won’t see me any differently or treat me or the friendship any differently, so why should I do that to them? It’s not fair, and it’s extremely biased to take those things about my friends and allow them to be deal-breakers when really it’s just a misunderstanding.

At the end of the day, friendships are a two-way street; you treat your friends the way they treat you. If they treat you with respect and they genuinely want the best for you and care about you, then you do the same. If they treat you like shit, you treat them like shit. IT’s simple as that. But! Don’t allow your sensitivity and clashing of personalities influence the overall goodness of a friendship. Sometimes you need that different perspective to see situations in a different light. Sometimes, you need a personality in your life so different than yours to spice things up while learning and doing things that you haven’t done before! It’s so important to have these friendships in life because they bring something exciting to the table, but also you learn how to interact and handle different people within your lifetime.

Don’t throw away your friendships when you feel attacked. Talk about it, understand it, and deal with the uncomfortable nature of these situations for the sake of the friendships.