Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: Impostor Syndrome & Ageism in the Workplace.

liz

Back when I was a bookseller, I didn’t understand the work ethic of my assistant manager.

Our workplace had opinions on how she worked and interacted with her staff. She wasn’t a horrible person to interact with, but I would always tell myself and those around me “if she was a bookseller, I think we’d all get along with her better. As the assistant manager though…” We all, to some extent, agreed on this statement.

We were all a pretty young group; we were the new generation of store managers and booksellers after a long reign of notable booksellers and managers. We were swarmed with faculty and administrators looking for the old store managers and hoping that they would “fulfill this request” like they would have in the past.

I was the oldest in our group of booksellers. I was 25; a year out of grad school just trying to get some work experience so that I was able to move forward with what I really wanted to do down the line: help students on the college level. Those around me were fresh out of college or just starting college, looking to get a job either on campus so that they were able to attend their classes before and after work, or those that lived within 15 minutes of the college. After me was my manager, who was 27 at the time that I started my job at the bookstore. To be 27 and run an entire campus bookstore? That took balls to do. Although she was young, she was professional and felt wiser beyond her age, and she was older than all of us so of course we showed some respect.

Our assistant manager came in during the first day of classes, or what was “rush” for us. “Rush” was the first week of classes that we were the busiest. We all thought she was just another bookseller being added to our team, until we were told she was our assistant manager.

Later in the months to come, we found out that she was just 20 years old, making her the second youngest amongst us all.

Back then, I didn’t understand why she worked the way she did. I didn’t understand how someone knew what they were talking about, but had a hard time communicating that to us. I didn’t understand why she managed us so drastically different than how our store manager did.

I didn’t understand how someone that was one of the youngest in our workplace even have enough experience to get into a managerial-level position until I did.

Hi, my name is Liz, and I am the youngest person in my office in a managerial-level position with only 2 years of experience under my belt.

I sometimes wonder if my old assistant manager felt this constant pressure of being older in the workplace. You should dress like this and you should talk like that and you should present yourself in a way where you look like you know what you’re talking about. You think that you have to act like you’re older because you had an encounter where a student thought you were a student and didn’t believe anything you were saying to them. You think that you have to change your language and code-switch to a more professional-sounding voice; using “I am following up with an inquiry you addressed per your last email” instead of “I’m reaching out about that request you sent in your last email.” You think that you have to be this person that is older beyond your years, without realizing that your youth brings something special and new to the table.

Instead, you are slammed by faculty, administrators, and former students whose age is way past the mid-life crisis phase for sounding “too young”, therefore “not knowing what I’m talking about”. You start to wonder if you’re even worth of the position you’re in because of these various factors. You develop some extreme imposter syndrome, deeming anyone and everyone who’s older and wiser than you a better fit.

In higher education, I’ve learned that these things I’m feeling are very apparent and visible to those who experience it. Those who work in it work in the field until retirement. They make connections with each other in different departments, trusting each other with their work and are constantly doing favors for one another due to the fact that they worked together on making a situation right. Being new and young in higher education makes it hard to gain that with other people, and people are not willing to trust newcomers that they don’t know or haven’t ever heard of before.

They deem you as new, they deem you as entry level, and they deem you as incompetent of sharing information and being correct about that information. She’s young; she can’t possibly know what I’m talking about. I’ll ask *insert someone older than me* instead. Being young in a workplace that has notably older than your generation makes you feel all the things you think others are projecting onto you: you’re too young to be in the position you’re in, so you have to constantly prove yourself.

Prove that you’re knowledgeable, wise, and competent, while trying to maintain your youth.

At my desk in my very-big-girl-job are stuffed animals that once lived in my room growing up, and crochet chicks that I did over the winter break. I have two Care Bear plushies with my cats pictures on them. I had a Kpop themed 2023 calendar, and still have Victon’s Seungsik calendar on my desk. I currently have Valentine’s day hearts hanging from the rim of my desk. I am known to unapologetically be myself in a setting that can suck the fun out of things. In everyday life, I am the things I place on my desk; bright, colorful, and festive, so why must I dim my light to fit the standards of working in a professional setting? Why can’t we be ourselves and be professional? Why can’t we be wise, smart, professional and young? Why must I sacrifice my youth when in all reality, my generation of professionals are going to be the ones running the same offices in 10, 20 years from now? Why can’t we use our youth as a way to relate to our students; to make them understand that we are not all ancient and dusty and detached from reality?

Why must I feel like the only reason I experience impostor syndrome isn’t because I think I don’t do my job well or don’t know what I’m doing in this position, but because of my age? When are we going to stop believing that we aren’t worthy of our place in professional settings because of our age? I know that this feeling will pass one day. I know that I will one day feel like I’m worthy of my place in my career as I grow more into this role. I know down the line, I will see people even younger than me in positions like my own, and I hope to one day meet them and ask them if they feel the same way as I do.

Nothing that I do professionally is ever conventional. In a field of scholars with PhDs and accolades under their belts, I was able to publish my first ever article in an academic journal at the age of 27; something only those with experience and education do and be taken seriously. This time around, I am in a position that most people tend to have later in their 30s/early 40s. I guess this is just something that I do.

And maybe, that just says something about me and my work ethic.

The Travel Diaries

Los Angeles, California.

liz

I actually had an anxiety attack before leaving for vacation. Only I would cry just hours before a well-need vacation.

Our flight was early Monday morning, which meant that my traveling actually started Sunday night. I grabbed my bags, heavy winter coat and scarf, and took a cab Downtown to spend the night with my vacation-partner-in-crime. He definitely could tell I was nervous; after knowing me for 15 years, I’ve become pretty predictable when it came to these things. Anyway.

Perhaps the 6 hour flight ahead for us was what kept us up all night because clearly, we did not sleep. It was fun to stay up all night, anticipating a fun trip across the country to some warmer weather after being in the cold NYC season for what has felt like decades now. January alone has already felt like a decade. It was now roughly 4:30 in the morning and our ride came to pick us up, driving us all the way to Jersey to depart from the Newark airport. It was times like this that I really wish we had flown out from JFK, because neither of us really knew just how far the airport was from us.

In a ride that normally would take about an hour or so, we got there within 30 minutes. Since it was pretty early on a Monday morning, the airport was actually pretty empty! We were able to go through Security in what felt like 5 minutes, and before we knew it, we were sitting at our gate, waiting for our plane to arrive so we could finally board.

On this particular day, our plane was delayed about 30 minutes which didn’t help my anxious mind whatsoever. In retrospect, 30 minutes isn’t even that long considering there are people that wait hours in an airport for their flight to depart. Although I mentally prepared myself for the longest flight I’ve had to date, nothing could compare to how long the flight actually was. In hindsight, I learned that because of the jet stream, it’s always takes longer to go west than it is to go east; on this day, it took us 7 hours to get to California. I never wanted to get off of a plane so fast in my life, I’ll tell you that.

But we landed! We hopped off our plane at LAX (yes, cue Miley Cyrus singing) and managed to grab a bite to eat before heading to our hotel. The weather when we got there was beautiful; something completely different than what it was like in NYC where it was snowing by the time we got into California. As a northeast coast resident, I am always fascinated by the sight of the palm trees; how could these trees be so skinny and tall yet feel like summer all year round? We took tons of our pictures near the palm trees because, well like I said, we are your typical northeast coast born and raised residents.

After a long day of traveling, we finally checked into our hotel and my god, it was such an amazing experience. Personally, this was my first time ever staying at a hotel for a vacation; every trip I’ve been on so far I’ve stayed with family or friends that I was visiting. I now understand why people would rather get a hotel than sleep over their friends or family’s house. For starters, the bed was enormous weighing in as a King sized bed. I sank into that bed and nearly took the longest nap of my life; 5 hours to be exact.

We got up and decided to explore the area in which we had found a dispensary within walking distance to us! Now, there are tons of dispensaries here in NYC after it became legal here, but to my surprise, only 11 of them within the five boroughs are actually licensed and legal to sell. Eleven! That’s insane considering there’s at least 11 smoke shops within the vicinity of my neighborhood and the one next to it. Anyway, this place was legit, to say the least. They had armed security at the door and upon entering, you must show your ID in order to browse the shop. Upon looking around, the various strains were in these plastic bubbles with a rubber seal that you were able to remove in order to smell them. Perhaps it’s because I’m not really a smoker, but everything smells the same to me with like a hint of different smells and such. We first decided to start off small, which actually affected me the same way that it would in NYC. Every now and then we would go downstairs to the front of the hotel and lounge by the pool and jacuzzi area to smoke; my favorite time to do so was at night. The first night, the sky was clear and the air was warm for the most part. I think this was my favorite part of the entire trip.

As someone who grew up watching The Parkers on broadcast television, one thing that Kim and Nikki Parker would always talk about was getting food at a restaurant called Sizzler. With locations now mainly in the west coast, it was only right to go and try their food. We had gotten the riblets with mashed potatoes and jumbo shrimp; man, that food was too good! The atmosphere was great and the people working there were genuinely nice, which is something you don’t typically see in chain restaurants similar to Sizzler these days.

The weather wasn’t that great towards the end of our trip, which pretty much limited our activities. For one, I was not properly dressed for a California-like winter where the warmest part of the day was from noon to 3PM each day. On our last day, we went to a little fish and chicken place not too far from where we were staying and I swear, why was all this California food so good?! For starters, the fried chicken was made close to perfection, the jumbo shrimp was so tasty and even the fries were seasoned! The highlight of that restaurant was the various fountain sodas they had. Of course, I had to get myself a black cherry soda as it’s my number one choice for any fountain soda type of drink. If we do go back to California in the future, we definitely have to make it back to this place!

Before we knew it, it was time to get ready to pack our things to head back to New York the following morning. Every morning at the hotel. We got up bright and early to make it to the free breakfast. The first morning we were there, we didn’t think much about the quality of the hotel breakfast and didn’t eat as much. By the second day, we were taking plates of food back to our room to eat breakfast in bed, watching television. That morning we were scheduled to leave for New York, we ate breakfast one last time before getting our bags together and ready for our flight. The flight back home was much smoother and only took us 4 and a half hours to land into Newark. By the time we got back, I was already missing the warmer weather of California, freezing in the little leather jacket I was wearing.

I didn’t realize just how sad I got as free coming home from vacation and getting back to normalcy living in New York. I realized a lot on this trip; I wanted to spend this new decade of my life traveling. Each and every trip I go on, I am making it a mission to go further and further so that in the future, I’m able to sit on longer flights, like to Europe and eventually to Korea! As of now, I plan to take little bus trips in the time being.

Cheers to the rest of the year being 30, and here’s to more travel diaries on the blog!

LFL's Anniversary Blogging Celebration!, Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Hello, 30.

liz

Hello, 30.

I know we just met and we’re getting to know each other, but I wanted to let you know that I am excited to finally meet you. I’ve dreaded to do so in the past, feeling like meeting you would mark the end of my youth and things would just start to feel and get more serious. I was like I wasn’t ready to take on the responsibility that I would inevitably have to take, and for quite a while thought I wouldn’t ever be ready for.

But here I am, meeting you for the first time, not feeling as scared as I once was.

I know my 20s have gave you all of the insight you need to know about me. I know my 20s told you how impulsive I can be; changing my appearance and wanting to control every little thing about myself since having weight loss surgery at 27. I know my 20s told you that I challenge my anxiety every single day by doing something outside of my comfort zone ever since being first diagnosed with a disorder at 24. I know my 20’s told you that even though you are meeting me at the best part of my life, they have seen me at my lowest: 21. 23. 25, 26, a bit of 27.

I know my track record doesn’t look that great; sure, I’m in the best place I’ve been in my life, but that only came after becoming burnt out studying and getting two college degrees in the process, losing family members through sickness and cancer, losing childhood pets and animals to old age, losing friends in the various stages of my life– for fuck’s sake, I lost a lot during my 20s, and I am constantly afraid of losing anything else I have. I know they told you that it nearly took me a decade to finally figure shit out and learn things that although I’ve been told a thousand times, needed to figure out in my own timing.

You will come to learn that I am a walking diary, and this new decade of my life is just the start of another book to document all that is to come in this next decade. You will come to learn that I write down everything because I remember almost everything; I guess that comes with being a writer though. You will come to learn that I mark my success and my growth through the years—if you haven’t figured that out yet. You will come to learn that I’m trying to do things differently than what I grew up seeing and what I was taught to be when it was time for me to grow up. You will come to learn that I’m a simple being that simply wants to feel happiness after decades of feeling like I wasn’t deserving of it. You will come to learn that I hold myself on a high pedestal after decades of convincing myself it was selfish to actually see worth in yourself.

I know my 20s have told you all about me, and I know you’re not too sure how to proceed with me, but I know that you’ll learn that I’m just a creature of exploration, passion, dedication and motivation. I know that you’ll be able to talk me through the toughest decisions this next decade of life has like saving money for rent and utilities, taking care of family in the way they took care of me, appreciating the smaller things in life that I overlooked in my 20s, and so many other things that I know I won’t ever be prepared enough for. But I have faith in you, 30s, to continue teaching me and guiding me in the direction that I am meant to go on, and to continue help me grow as a person and seeing just where I fit in in this world.

I am excited for you, and I am ready for you. Hello, and welcome, 30s. My name is Liz.

LFL's Anniversary Blogging Celebration!, Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: A Letter to my 20s.

liz

To my twenties—

I wish I celebrated you more when I had the chance. I don’t regret it, but I wish I knew what I know now about what life would be like in your twenties. But I guess that’s the point of being in your twenties: you learn things about life that you didn’t know you needed to learn.

I learned that the past will always be the past, and you have control over what lessons you take from it. I learned that I have embedded traits; the ones where you want to desperately want to change but in the end can really never shake off. I learned that there are always going to be gray areas in things that are back and white, and what works for the next person may not work for you in the long run. I learned that mistakes are inevitable no matter how wise you’ve become.

I learned that these years are meant to be the messy ones: you learn that your circle of friends get smaller and smaller once you’re out of college and into the real world; and speaking of college, you learn that your college education and degrees truly don’t guarantee you a job once you graduate; you get them by utilizing the people you’ve met in these years and networking with others in your field. You learn that your relationship at 21 in a big city will not always look like a relationship at 21 in a small town; you will not be married by the age of 26, which is what I thought will happen prior to entering my twenties.

I learned that it’s okay to not know what your path of life is after leaving college; I learned that you’re not fully an adult at 22 as much as life wants you to be one. Shoot, you’re not truly an adult even after graduating with your masters degree at 24. I learned that you will go through a dozen different versions of yourself, trying each one out like a new pair of clothing and see which one feels the most comfortable in; the most authentic you. I learned that in these years, you are meant to still live life and feel young; something I took for granted in my own 20s thinking I needed to have my life figured out by then. I learned that we are not our parents, nor in their generation, and the things that they did during our age will not look like the things we are doing in ours. It’s okay to be in your 20s and still live at home. It’s okay to not want to have children in those prime years of your 20s if you do not feel fit to be a parent. It’s okay to readmit into college after 25 and who cares if you are taking the same coursework as those just entering their 20s?

I’ve learned that it’s okay to be a late bloomer– whether that be professionally, socially, academically, or spiritually– in your 20s.

I learned that your 20s are meant for constant change. These are the years that you go through different phases in your life, like a full-blown K-pop stan stage from 26 to 28 or a true-crime screenwriter stage from 20 to 22. I learned that these interests will never completely identify you, as you are constantly growing in and out of things through your 20s. I entered my 20s wanting to become a TV screenwriter and now leaving my 20s working as a professional administrator in higher education. Sure, we choose the paths we want to cross during our young adulthood but you learn that you never truly end up where you thought you’d be.

I learned that your life isn’t over when your 20s are. I learned that your 29th year on this earth will be your most influential one; it will test you for what’s to come if you are not prepared for it. I learned that what those people told you throughout your 20s is true about your 30s: you stop looking for validation from other people and other things because you already are in a space where you’re able to validate yourself. You don’t care what other people have to say about you or how they feel about you because you already know how it feels to be your own best friend, enemy, cheerleader, and judge by just getting to live in your skin 24/7. You feel secure in who you are and what you are because you spent the majority of your 20s finding out what that means for you.

I think I will celebrate my 30s knowing that my 20s deserved to be loved and supported in every way possible. I know my 20s spent the first half trying to heal from my teens and that the last half was spent to give everything my teens couldn’t get. I guess my 30s will be just that: celebrating everything that I gained, lost, yearned for, and received in my 20s.

To my twenties— thank you for such a monumental decade of my life.

This is Liz, signing out one last time in my 20s.

LFL's Anniversary Blogging Celebration!

29 Things That Happened/I Learned While Being 29.

liz

Things That Happened:

  1. I rang in the new year coloring my hair to a bright red color and bleaching my eyebrows.
  2. I cut ties with the group of people I was friends with during the pandemic.
  3. I shaved my hair into a buzzcut and dyed it purple.
  4. I took the CUNY full-time exam and passed it.
  5. I went to see NMIXX in concert during their “Nice to MIXX You” U.S Tour.
  6. I spent my summer sunbathing before my shifts at the community pool.
  7. I was promoted from a College Assistant to an Enrollment Coordinator at my job.
  8. I went to a live-taping of The Kelly Clarkson show at 30 Rockefeller Plaza.
  9. I attended my first adult Halloween party and went as a 1920’s flapper girl.
  10. I went to see the Jonas Brothers in concert during their “THE TOUR” U.S. Tour; I was randomly selected to upgrade my seat near the stage area near the band and occasionally interacted with a JoBro.
  11. I went to see WOODZ in concert during his “OO-LI AND” World Tour; I was also upgraded to an aisle seat in which during the encore, Seungyoun walked the aisles and I was literally six inches away from him at one point.
  12. I attended my job’s Holiday party this year after having to miss out on last years; I specifically started the electric slide which made everyone get up from their seats and dance.
  13. I booked a flight and a hotel to celebrate my 30th birthday in California for January 2024.
  14. I bought my sibling and I tickets to see Chicago on Broadway in February 2024.

Things I Learned:

  1. It’s okay to push your beauty standards to explore things you normally wouldn’t do.
  2. Sometimes your path in life does not align with those in your life, and it’s okay to go your separate ways if it’s for the better for both parties involved.
  3. Identity crisis is a real thing that can happen at any stage of your life.
  4. It doesn’t hurt to try to better yourself professionally, even if that meant you have to start over at a new place.
  5. Summer concerts are more intense than those you go to in the colder seasons.
  6. Don’t be afraid to do solo activities, even if that means at a public pool.
  7. Hard work always pays off and does not go unnoticed.
  8. Sometimes, you have to say “fuck it!” and try out for things; you never know if you’ll get it!
  9. Anxiety will always be a part of me, but it will never define me as a person or hinder me from doing the things I want to do.
  10. You are deserving to have one-in-a-lifetime experiences; also, I now know why people pay so much money for floor seats at a concert.
  11. Always go after what’s on your bucket list because it’s the most rewarding.
  12. Once again, make the most out of these experiences and don’t be afraid to create the vibe of a party!
  13. Be extravagant for the moments that you’ll talk about in the years to come.
  14. Your brother/sister/sibling is your one true friend in life.
  15. I’ve learned how to set boundaries with myself for the greater good of life.
LFL's Anniversary Blogging Celebration!, y2katalogue: The Tapes

Tape #11: Something About Gwen.

liz

It’s another day for Milo in his Biology class; he purposely rushes to get the seat he’s hoping to get. He gets to the class before his classmates do, taking the seat he wanted. Everyone else begins to walk into the class after him, including Gwen.

Gwen takes her seat alongside Milo. He flashes her a smile in which Gwen awkwardly looks away from.

Ms. Swanson: Good morning, class; today we’re doing study prep for the exam marking the end of the marking period. This test is very important toward your final grade for this marking period, so please take advantage of the time we have today.

Milo takes out his notebook and looks at Gwen.

Milo: Is it okay if we worked together?

Gwen looked up at Milo. She shrugged her shoulders up.

Gwen: Sure, I guess.

Milo smiled as he moved his seat closer to Gwen’s desk, carrying his textbook and notebook in hand. Gwen watches Milo as he does.

Gwen: So, what do you want to cover first?

Milo was shocked that Gwen was being cooperative with him.

Milo: Uhm, let’s start with the anatomy section first.

Gwen nodded her head as she flipped through the pages of her notebook. Her notes were organized by different colors of highlighters. Milo was impressed.

Gwen: So, I think Ms. Swanson is going to start us off with the basics, like the vocabulary and definitions of them.

Milo: *sighs* Of course she would.

Gwen: It’s simple memorization. If you find keywords in the definitions, you’ll be able to figure out the term for it.

Milo: Really?

Gwen nodded her head, flipping through the pages of her notebook.

Gwen: For example, “cranial” has the word “cranium” in it, which is related to the brain. If the definition has either of those two words in it, you’ll be able to figure out by process of elimination the proper definition.

Milo listens to Gwen intently. Occasionally, he’ll take down notes in his notebook. Gwen watches him.

Gwen: You really don’t know what’s going on in class, huh?

Milo: *defensive* Science isn’t my strong suit.

Gwen doesn’t say anything back. Milo looks up at her and notices that Gwen looks uncomfortable.

Milo: Sorry, I just… don’t like when people do that to me.

Gwen: No, no; I’m sorry. I shouldn’t had assumed anything.

The table is now silent. Milo takes a deep breath before saying anything.

Milo: I just don’t get it the way Ms. Swanson teaches it. I get that she’s trying to be as informative as possible, but the way she teaches it just sounds a lot more confusing than it already is.

Gwen: It’s understandable. If a certain subject isn’t your strongest, it could be a little bit confusing to understand. For me, it’s band.

Milo: *shocked* Wait, really?

Gwen nods her head before fidgeting with the pen in her hand.

Gwen: Pathetic, isn’t it? To have trouble in your own major?

Milo: Just because you’re good at something doesn’t mean you can’t have trouble with it.

Gwen’s face softens as she looks up at Milo. This is the first time Milo is actually looking at Gwen straight in the face. He notices her eyes are a unique shade of blue and grey; more like purple.

Milo: If you ever need help with the songs, you can ask me.

Gwen: *dismissive* Oh no, it’s fine. I sort of already get extra help from Nicki; a girl in our strings section. Do you know her?

Milo: *excited* Of course I know Nicki! She’s one of my best friends.

Gwen: She’s really nice to me. But she’s been helping me out, sometimes during our lunch breaks and stuff. But thanks again for offering.

Milo smiles at Gwen. Ms. Swanson is heard asking the class to wrap up their study discussions. The bell rings, officially ending the class for the day. Milo quickly snaps back to reality, getting my books packed into his book bag. A moment later, he hears Gwen call his name.

Gwen: Hey, Milo?

Milo: Yeah?

Gwen: I apologize for all that dual major talk I gave you the other day. Most of the dual majors I’ve come across seem to all be the same.

Milo: True. *reassuring* Not me though.

Gwen smiles at Milo’s response. He smiles back at her. There’s something about Gwen that simply intrigues him.

Black Sheep in Society: Season 2, LFL's Anniversary Blogging Celebration!

A Black Sheep Scorned: A Micah Monologue.

liz

This gig was important to Tanner and Dani, as this was the first time Dani was performing alongside her boyfriend and her best friend; me. For years, we tried to start a band, but with school and being the girlfriend of an up-and-coming actress, our plans never really took off. It wasn’t until after Kalia broke up with me last year that I finally said, “let’s fucking do this!” Not knowing something else was now occupying my mind.

A black sheep named Rosie Delgado.

I snapped out of my thought when I hear Dani yell my name out. I looked up and I wasn’t surprised that Dani looked pissed as fuck.

“Dude, you’re playing the wrong track,” Dani complained.

“Sorry, sorry,” I said, queueing the right track. Dani turned back around to face the microphone in the studio space. I play the song, in which Dani starts to sing as Tanner plays the guitar. Tanner and I met in high school; we were both in the same band class. I was actually the one that introduced Dani to Tanner during our senior year of high school, and the rest is history. I hate to admit it, but they are good for each other. If only love came that easy for me.

I stopped the track midway, which made both Dani and Tanner turn around.

“Tan, tune your guitar a bit; that last one before the chorus is a little off,” I said. Tanner went to sit down and tune the strings on his guitar, and Dani began to walk toward my direction, close to the DJ booth.

“How were you able to hear that with your mind clearly on something else?” Dani asked. I rolled my eyes, looking back down at my laptop.

“You fail to realize this is literally all I do,” I said. “Also, I’m fine.”

“Mhm,” Dani said. “How’s everything going with Kalia?” I looked up at Dani, knowing she knows exactly what’s going on with Kalia.

“She’s fine,” I said nonchalantly. “She’s starting a press tour for the movie she’s in.”

“Oh,” Dani added. “So I guess you’re going to see her while she’s on her New York stop of her tour?” Dani knows all the right buttons to push.

“If she visits, then sure,” I said with a tight mouth. I didn’t want her knowing that she was getting me mad. Thankfully, Tanner walked toward us to tell us that he was ready. Dani slowly walked away from the booth, back to start the rehearsal again. Thank God.

…

Rosie had left before I woke up the night after we hooked up. Ugh, I hate calling it that. I thought that maybe she had moved to the living room to sleep or something. She wasn’t anywhere to be found. I had tried calling her phone to see if maybe she went back home or something. She didn’t pick up.

“C’mon, Roe,” I said to the phone as her voicemail began to play. I hung up the phone, worried about Rosie’s whereabouts. I was upset that she would just leave and not tell me where she was going. I was hurt that she literally hit it and quit it.

I walked out of my room to hear the keys unlock the door of the apartment. Of course, my folks came at the perfect time: when the house is a mess from yesterday night, and when I’m panicking trying to get in touch with Rosie.

“Micah?” I hear my mom call out. I walked into the living room area, trying to play it cool.

“Hey, Mom,” I said, leaning on the kitchen counter. Reagan and Dylan entered the house behind my mom, walking straight towards their room. “How’d it go?”

“Dylan had fun, Reagan was a different story,” my mom said, taking off her coat to hang it up.

“Where’s dad?”

“He went to your brother’s to help him with a project,” she said, finally taking a look at the house. “Micah, why does this house look like this?” I looked around, nervous she was going to spot something before I did.

“Sorry, I was gonna start cleaning before you guys got home,” I said, looking at the time on the stove. It’s 2pm. “I guess I thought it was earlier than it really was.”

“Please clean this place up before I start dinner later,” she said, walking to the bathroom. I began to pick up the clothes from the floor until I instantly remembered. “Salem Micah Kamalani!”

Fuck. The ashtray.

…

“I have to get going,” I said, unplugging the equipment from the speaker. Both Dani and Tanner turned around.

“What? We just started,” Dani mentioned.

“I told y’all; my mom has been on my ass,” I said as I closed my laptop. “I was even lucky she let me do something other than chores.”

“Dude, you know you’re almost 21; how the fuck are you getting grounded?”

“When she finds the fucking ashtray on the bathroom floor,” I said, annoyed at Dani. I packed my things up and started to leave the studio space. “I’ll see you guys on campus.” I walked out of the space and didn’t look back at them. The truth of the matter is that it was more than just the ashtray. Yeah, she had found the ashtray and she had a fit about it. What truly sent her over the edge was the fact that she had found the condom wrapper on her bedside. The one I used when Rosie and I hooked up.

LFL's Anniversary Blogging Celebration!, The "Something" Series: Season 3

It’s Something to Leave Out the Story: A Grace Monologue.

liz

I couldn’t stop yawning the next morning. It was brutal since this was our final rehearsal before we had constant shows coming up in the next week. The choreography became second nature to me at this point. Every time the music would play, it’s like every dancer immediately dances the routines due to the muscle memory.

As I begin lacing up my pointe shoes, I see another set of torn up pointe shoes in front of me. I looked up to see it was Aimee.

“Girl, you need to get another pair of pointe shoes,” I teased.

“Girl, you need to keep your eyes on your own damn pointe shoes,” Aimee snapped back, laughing as she sat in the ground next to me. “These bad boys make me dance better than I normally would.”

“I bet,” I said, smiling as I tied my own points shoes. I did a big yawn afterwards, and of course, Aimee had to say something.

“Damn, you didn’t sleep last night?” Aimee asked. “You know we had an early rehearsal today.”

“I got home late last night from my cousin’s place,” I said, finishing up with a tight knot. “She and her boyfriend are leaving for Seoul today, so I wanted to see her before she did.”

“Weren’t you supposed to stay over or something?” Aimee asked once again. “At least that’s what Sahim said yesterday.”

“You spoke to Sahim?” I asked. It sort of took me by surprise that Aimee would go to Sahim to ask about me.

“Yeah,” Aimee said. “I was trying to see if you wanted to come to my room and hang out with me and Maurice, but when I knocked and I didn’t get an answer, I assumed you were with Sahim for the night.” I shook my head and laughed; Aimee always thought I was with Sahim.

“Well,” I began to say. Before I was able to say anything else, Aimee shot her head up and got closer to me, waiting to hear some gossip. “He did come with me last night.”

“Oh?” Aimee simply responded. “Introducing him to family now?”

“It’s not even like that,” I dismissed quickly. “He was my ride there technically.”

“So wait,” Aimee said as she readjusted herself. “He was your ride, but he was back at the hotel before you apparently.” I looked up at Aimee, not really knowing what to say. I didn’t want her finding out the truth; that Jamie was the one that dropped me off last night.

“My cousin drove me on her way to the airport,” I said, hoping it was convincing enough. It wasn’t long after that I see Sahim walking into the rehearsal space with a cup of coffee in hand, toward Aimee and I.

“Good morning, ladies,” Sahim greeted as he walked closer to us. “Grace,” Sahim said as he handed me the cup of coffee.

“What am I; a ghost?” Aimee said to Sahim. “Where’s my coffee?”

“Still at the cafe,” Sahim teased. Aimee rolled her eyes and started to get up from the ground.

“Well I guess I’m going to get me a damn coffee myself,” Aimee said as she walked away from us. I looked up at Sahim as he sat on the ground next to me.

“You should’ve gotten Aimee one,” I began to say. “Now I’m going to have to hear her all throughout rehearsal now.”

“Well tell her the next one will be on me then,” Sahim concluded. “Heard you got in late last night.”

“Is that why you got me coffee today?” I asked, taking a sip from the coffee. Sahim has been bringing me coffee long enough to know how I perfectly like it. It was the littlest things that made me smile.

“I always get you coffee,” Sahim said. “Today, there’s a shot of expresso.” I take a sip of the coffee and immediately taste the shot. Sahim laughs at the face I make after drinking it.

“Well, that’ll most definitely wake me up,” I said. I looked up at Sahim and smiled. “How’d you know I got in late last night?”

“Oh,” Sahim simply started to say. “Aimee was looking for you yesterday. I told her you were at Skylar’s.” I was a little confused. Did he see me come in with Jamie last night? Is he not telling me? I immediately put the coffee down on the floor beside me, getting ready to get up from the ground.

“I should start heading to the stage,” I said, trying to not show any conflicting emotion on my face. I didn’t want Sahim to think he said or did anything wrong; he didn’t. I did, letting Jamie drive me back to my hotel just hours after Sahim met the guy.

“You got this, tiny dancer,” Sahim simply said, taking the coffee from the ground. He smiled before walking away. This time, his smile kills me in more ways bad than good.

LFL's Anniversary Blogging Celebration!

Where Was I in 2014?

liz

To say that 2014 was ten years ago is truly baffling to me. Like, why does 2014 feels like it was only just a few years ago? It’s crazy, I am feeling nostalgic, and here’s this year’s installment of:

Where the hell was Liz this time 10 years ago?

In 2014, I was officially leaving my teenage years behind to now enter the next decade of my life: my twenties. I can’t lie; I feel like I was excited to leave my teenage years behind me. Up to this point, the last couple of years were rough for me, whether that was the transition from high-school to college or trying my best to heal from the trauma that still affected me at that point. I was ready to go into this new stage of my life, even if I had no idea where or what I wanted to go in the long-run.

I didn’t do much for my birthday this year since it fell on a weekday and, well, I was an unemployed college student currently in between semesters. Speaking of which; I was a sophomore in college that just finished the Fall semester and boy, it was a hard semester. I still had a couple of general education classes I needed to take before I was able to begin taking all my major coursework. Let’s just say that I was a pretty average student, but this one Biology class was my first and only D grade I ever received. By the time the Spring semester started, I was now traveling to and from my college 5 days a week. Ironically, it was one my favorite semesters I had as I vividly remember spending my breaks in between classes at the library watching Criminal Minds on Netflix every Friday afternoon. I was also wrapping up all of the gen ed requirements I needed and started to take the writing courses needed for my English Writing concentration degree.

My first writing class was “Craft of Creative Writing”, which was basically just an overview of the four genres of writing that my college taught and specialized in. We all sat in a circle, having to write for different prompts in different styles of writing. I remember this being one of the very first times I shared my story about the trauma I carried from high school. I wrote a short narrative piece in the point of view of that girl that lived through that trauma day-by-day, hour-by-hour. After sharing my piece, it was nice to have a group of writers to talk to about the piece but to also hear some of them say “you don’t have to carry that on you anymore. You took responsibility of that situation and that’s all you can do. Don’t punish yourself for something that you should be forgiving yourself for.” I think that was one of the first few moments where I truly began to finally heal from that part of my life, although it would be years after this moment that I finally let it go and let it live in the past.

In addition to that, I also got into screenwriting! After being heavily a part of the fandom for the true-crime drama, The Killing, I had found an appreciation for creative writing in a way that I hadn’t thought about before, which was character development. I can go on and on about how much I loved Sarah Linden and Stephen Holder as characters of this damn show, but to keep it short and simple: 2014 was when the last season of The Killing aired exclusively on Netflix and I wanted to write the way that Veena Sud wrote these characters! I knew I wanted my first tattoo to be something related to the show in the long-run, so when the series finale gave us the infamous “home was us” line that Linden tells Holder, I just knew that was it.

2014 Liz also had long hair for the first time since having to cut it short after bleach damage in 2012. I rocked the trendy ombre look for most of the year until I finally caved in and became a blonde; this time being on the more natural looking side. I can’t lie, I totally miss those long hair days, and I hope that one day in the future I’m able to get my hair to be that long again, but it took a lot of patience and hair care to even get my hair healthy looking again. I guess I’ll tell you how that went when we come back next year to talk about Liz in 2015…

And just to take you back in time, here were some of the things that I remember happening in 2014:

  • Ariana Grande was taken the music industry by storm in preparation on her sophomore album, My Everything.
  • “First things first, I’m the realest” was the one thing everyone was singing and/or saying it every chance they had.
  • Kylie Jenner was deemed as the “it girl” with her teal color dip-dyed bob haircut and liquid lipstick makeup.
  • Grunge-pastel was a thing. It was inspired by Tumblr. Yes, everyone at this point had one to reblog six gifs and dumb aesthetic looking photos.
  • Boy and girl groups were becoming popular once more after the success of One Direction. Fifth Harmony was a product of that popularity in the music industry.
  • The biggest movie blockbuster to come out this year was Disney’s Frozen.
  • Barack Obama was two years into his second term as the President of the United States.
  • Becoming a YouTube creator was everyone’s aspiration, whether it was in gaming, lifestyle, or in makeup.

Sheesh, I still can’t believe it’s been ten years already.

LFL's Anniversary Blogging Celebration!, The Teenage Monologues: Season 2

Time Stops For Us: A Sophie Monologue.

liz

It was cold on this particular afternoon. It had rained the night before and the freezing temperatures made the ground slippery and slick as it turned into black ice. The bus I would normally take to Milo’s wasn’t running due to the ice, so I had to take the train. The train wasn’t that bad on a weekend; I didn’t tell Milo that took the train though since he’s always worrying about the bad things happening underground in the subway stations. Maybe it’s a cultural thing, but the subways in the UK were either for traveling long distances. It was nice to take a train that took you two stops and boom, you were where you needed to be.

I walked up Milo’s block and immediately felt this sense of comfort. I liked hanging out with Milo, especially now that we were in the same band class and had tons of pieces to rehearse for these days. I also never feel like playing the violin sucks as the rest of the ensemble believes. Milo always made me feel like it was cool playing in the strings orchestra; I always liked seeing his smile as our section had separate rehearsals outside of the overall ensemble. I haven’t had anyone really support my violin playing since my dad was still here.

“Hey, Scout!” I hear Milo call out. I looked over towards his house and saw him outside on the steps, waving at me. I couldn’t help but smile.

“Why are you outside? It’s freezing,” I said as I walked closer to Milo’s place.

“I was cleaning the steps for my family,” Milo said, putting the shovel aside. “Sucks being the oldest.”

“I can imagine,” I laughed, following Milo back up toward the front door of this house. “Are your parents home?”

“Uhm, yeah,” Milo quickly said before opening the front door. We entered the hallway of Milo’s house and immediately took a left towards the door leading to the studio. I always found it so cool that Milo’s family had a studio inside their house. I know it’s technically Jennifer’s home dance studio, as Milo has told me, but from what I understand it’s now more of a rehearsal space for Milo and his dad. Upon entering the studio space, I see Milo’s drum set in the corner of the room.

“That’s such a pretty set,” I mentioned, walking towards the drums. MIlo followed behind me.

“Pretty is such a weird way to describe drums, Scout,” Milo teased. I looked back at him and scrunched my nose, disagreeing with him. Milo laughed at my reaction before he said anything else. “But thank you, it’s a pretty old set.”

“Was it your dad’s?” I asked, walking around the set to look at it closer.

“Nah,” Milo answered, grabbing the drumsticks from the msuic stand. “My dad got them for me as a graduation gift. They’re cool.” He walks toward me and hands me the drumsticks in his hand. I was confused at what was happening.

“What are you doing?” I asked, nervous at Milo’s intention. He smiles and grabs my hand, guiding me towards the seat behind the drum set. “Wait, wait; Milo I-“

“I’m gonna show you how to play a simple measure,” Milo finally admitted, standing next to me behind the drum set.

“Milo, I don’t know how to play the drums,” I said as I looked at Milo.

“I know,” he said. “That’s why I’m going to show you.” He placed the drumsticks into my hands before he held onto my wrists. “So you would count down this piece by simply hitting the top of the drum like this.” He softly guided my hand as he played the first beat of the piece.

“Okay, that’s not that bad,” I said, calming down.

“You say that now,” Milo teased. “Until you hear this being the drumline of the piece we’re learning.” With my hands still on the drumsticks, Milo takes my wrists one more and plays the drumline of the song. It’s fast and it’s technical, but so insane to think that during band class, this is what Milo is playing. Every beat of the drum felt like it was traveling through my body; it was liberating. It wasn’t long after that Milo stopped guiding my arms. It quickly took me out of the trance I was currently in.

“That was amazing!” I said to Milo, nearly freaking out over the adrenaline I was feeling. “I can only imagine how it feels when you play during an actual performance.”

“It’s easily one of the best feelings in the world,” Milo explained. We switched positions; he is now sitting behind the drum set as I walked towards the front of it. “It’s why I prefer to play the drums more than any other instrument. The more passion you have while playing, the better the sound is. I feel like I’m dancing along to the music rather than playing it during a performance.” Sometimes, I take a glance over at Milo during a performance and see just that: him feeling the music rather than just playing it like the rest of us. I can tell just how much this means to him; being able to play music is something that Milo seems to always look forward to. I don’t blame him; he looks the happiest whenver he plays.

“It must be fun in the percussion section, huh?” I asked, intrigued by his conversation.

“Yeah, when it’s just me,” Milo said in a snarky way. I forget that Aaron is also in the percussion section. Shoot, sometimes i forget he’s eeven in our band class due to the amount of absences he currently has. “It would be even more fun if your section was near ours.”

“Something tells me I wouldn’t get much work done if that was the case,” I joked, tasseling Milo’s hair. His face immediately turned red, which makes my face suddenly feel hot as well. “Should we begin rehearsing?”

“Uhm, yeah,” Milo said, clearing his throat. I sit in the chair directly across from Milo’s drum set. I took out my violin from its case and began to set my posture up. I placed the violin on my shoulder and leaned against the instrument on the chin rest. When I didn’t hear Milo say anything, I looked up at him. To my surprise, he’s sitting there just looking at me.

“Is everything okay?” I asked, placing the violin back donw on my lap.

“Yeah,” Milo answered. “You turn into a different person when you have your violin in your hand.” He smirked at me. “It’s interesting to see so close up.” Once again, my face feels immensely hot.

“Thanks,” I laughed as I began to put the violin back up in position. “Shall we begin?”

“We shall,” Milo said, counting us both into the piece.