It was the last class of the day, but I dreaded going to my dad’s vocal class. I know that if my dad were to ever revoke my dual status at Waverly, he would purposely take me out of band just so that I was still in his line of sight at school. My dad has shown me time and time again that he doesn’t trust me no matter what I do, so the best way to keep me in line is to threaten my status and take away the only thing I give a fuck about in Waverly.

I walked into the vocal room and looked around; all of my classmates were talking among themselves. I glanced over at Mollie sitting in one of the corners with Aaron. At this point, there was nothing I can do to save my former best friend from utter heartbreak, and eternal embarrassment. She simply made her bed and now she has to lay in it. I turned away, looking at my dad talking to a couple of students near his desk. I sat in my assigned seat without saying a single word. I had nothing to say to anyone; my status was on probation all because Mollie decided to drop me as her friend. Best friend.

…

I walked out of the vocal room once the bell rang; I had to have been the first one out of there. I wanted to leave as quickly as possible. I felt like I was suffocating all period; having to hear Aaron’s voice through quartets and looking at my father’s direction every time Mollie and Aaron did a thing. It’s like he wanted to create any opportunity to revoke my status, which didn’t make any sense considering he pressured me in becoming a damn dual major.

I walked toward the hallway, leading me to the exit of the school. I was power walking at this point, desperately trying to get out of this bad luck of a school–

“Milo!” I hear a girl’s voice call out. I immediately stopped, turning around to see Sophie in the middle of the crowded hallway. Everyone began to move in slow-motion; the only thing that was focused was Sophie. What is this feeling? Why do I feel like this all of a sudden?

She walks in my direction before stopping in front of me.

“Where’d you been all day?” Sophie asked, looking up at me.

“I’ve been here,” I answered. I looked behind Sophie and noticed Aaron and Mollie walking out of the vocal room, hands intertwined with one another. I looked down at Sophie. “You busy after school?”

“I’m not,” she answered, smiling at me. “I figured that I come and find you since I didn’t get to see you in band today.”

“You were looking for me?” I asked, smiling. That’s cute.

“Well if I just said that I didn’t see you in class today, doesn’t that indeed tell you I was looking for you?” If there’s a debate club around, Sophie needs to join it.

“I guess so,” I teased. Sophie began to walk toward the school exit; I willingly followed behind her.

“Where to, Scout?” I asked Sophie. She doesn’t answer right away, but I’ve noticed that we’re walking opposite of what we usually walk after school. “Scout?”

“The Den,” Sophie answered as she walked. The Den was what we called the stage at the park Sophie took me to for our middle school project. Why would Sophie just take me to her spot all of a sudden? We haven’t been there since the project. I didn’t say anything back; I didn’t want to ask her all of these questions if she already has something planned in mind. These were some of the things I’ve let Sophie take control of; pacing her time to sit down and talk about whatever might be on her mind. For me, it was an agonizing waiting game before getting to The Den.

Once we got there, Sophie walked ahead of me, jumping on the stage and walking around on it. I slowed down, walking to the front row and taking a seat. Sophie turned around and faced me.

“What?” she asked me with a smile on her face.

“Nothing, just giving you your deserved time to shine,” I teased, pretending to cheer her on. She laughed as she sat down at the edge of the stage. I get up from my seat to go and sit next to her on the stage. She watches me as I do. “I feel like I haven’t talked to you in so long.”

“I know,” Sophie said, looking down at her hands. “I guess it’s been a rough couple of days for us, huh?” I sighed loudly, reflecting back on those days. Life has felt weird since having that talk with my dad; it feels like I am constantly walking on eggshells in school, hoping nothing would put my dual status in jeopardy.

“Yeah,” I simply answered. “You want to talk about it?” Sophie looked uneasy. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to, it’s just that we’re–“

“In my safe space,” Sophie finished my sentence. She put on a faint smile before taking a deep breath. “Everything has been stressful. Between the rehearsals and showcases and performances and just life in general… I feel like I haven’t been able to breathe.”

“I know how you feel,” I agreed. I paused before I began to vent what was on my mind. “My dad kinda threatened my dual status after my fight with Mollie in his class.”

“What?” Sophie said, shocked. “Why?”

“He thinks I’m not taking the program seriously,” I explained, growing annoyed. “So he told me that if I get into any trouble, he’ll personally revoke my status.”

“Which major would he revoke from you?” she asked, looking worried. I didn’t answer right away, but I know Sophie already had an idea of which one I’d be removed from. “Why would he take away your band major?”

“Because he knows–” I began to say, but quickly held back. My dad was willing to take my band major away from me for two reasons: he knows that I prefer it over vocal, but also because he knows this is the only class I have with Sophie. He wasn’t stupid; he knew exactly how to make my life a living, walking hell. “Because he knows how to make my life miserable, that’s why.”

“I don’t think that would be the reason,” Sophie debated, playing with the chain of her necklace. “You have been getting in trouble a lot in school, maybe he’s just trying to scare you into behaving better.”

“I know my own dad, Scout,” I nagged, not appreciating the fact that she wasn’t supportive or agreeing with me. “I know when he’s doing the absolute most just to make my life harder than it needs to be.”

“What he’s doing is seeing your full potential being in the dual major program in the first place,” Sophie pointed out, crossing her arms along her chest. “You’re allowing Mollie and Aaron to jeopardize your status.”

“I’m not allowing anyone to do anything,” I snapped back, getting upset. “Are you Team Mollie and Aaron now or something?”

“I’m Team “Doing the Right Thing” Milo,” Sophie spat back at me. “Your dad is only trying to look out for you. People like Mollie and Aaron are going nowhere but to each other to hang out, kiss, and be a couple. They do not give a damn if your status gets revoked, but you care so much about them and what they are doing.”

“Mollie was my best friend!” I yelled out, getting up from the stage. “My dad’s only agenda is to make sure Mollie and I stay friends to keep Jennifer happy! He doesn’t give a shit about how I feel or what I’m going through as long as I follow in line and do what he wants me to do–“

“At least your father cares about you!” Sophie yelled at me, also standing up on the stage. She looks up at me, straight in the face when she does. “Your dad actually cares about your wellbeing and wants you to do better because he knows you can do better! How dare you say he only does these things for his benefit! I know what it’s like to have a parent that only does things for his own benefit!” I didn’t say anything back to Sophie. I just looked down at her, waiting for her to continue. “My father attempted suicide in prison last week! He tried to end his life because he couldn’t take being in prison anymore without considering what it would have done to my mum and me!”

“I-” I began to say, random sounds slipping out of my mouth trying to put a response together. This is what she wanted to talk about. This is why we came here in the first place. She trusted me enough to tell me this.

“Save it,” Sophie dismissed, grabbing her bookbag from the ground and putting it on. “I’m leaving–“

“Sophie, wait,” I tried to get her attention; she clearly did not want to hear it at this point. “Listen, I didn’t know–“

“Of course you didn’t; how would you,” she mocked, walking towards the stairs on the side of the stage. “It doesn’t matter now.”

“Of course it does,” I shouted across the stage as Sophie stopped. She didn’t turn around to face me; she simply just stood there looking forward. “It’s always gonna matter, and if you needed to talk about it out loud, then I am so sorry for making it about me.” Sophie still doesn’t turn around. “I knew you needed to tell me something, or else we wouldn’t have come to your safe space today. I know that because I listen to you, and I care about what you have to say.” I meant what I said, Scout.

Sophie slowly turns around and looks at me; her eyes are puffy and her nose is red. She was crying. I began to walk over to her, faster and faster the closer I got to her. Once I finally got to where she was standing, I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her. One thing that I wish I got a lot more of were hugs. A hug to let me know I was protected and safe, that my feelings mattered and that whatever I was going through actually made sense. If I couldn’t get that, I would want the next person who needed it get it. Sophie; she needed it much more than I did in this moment. I squeezed her tight as I hugged her, hearing her quietly weep in my chest. She depended on me, and in a way I knew I depended on her too. We both needed each other to keep ourselves grounded in the mist of teenage chaos.

I felt her loosen her grip, which made me let her go from our hug. She sniffled, wiping her eyes with the sleeve of her sweater.

“Sorry, I’m a mess,” Sophie said as she wiped her tears from her cheek. I shook my head, looking down at her.

“Not even close,” I reassured her. She looked up at me and faintly smiled. At that moment, I wanted to do nothing more than kiss her front and in center stage. I’ve wanted to kiss her since the last time I got to kiss her. We stood there, staring at each other for what felt like literal hours; nothing else around us mattered. Maybe I should kiss her…

Before I was able to lean in to kiss her, we both jump up to a voice of an adult. We looked out towards the seating area and noticed a park-keeper talking to us.

“Hey! You’re not allowed to be here!” they shouted as they began to walk closer to us. We both grabbed our bags and jumped off the stage, running out of The Den before we got in any more trouble. That’s the last thing I need to happen to me today.

“Hey Mollie,” I heard Ronnie call out my name during hallway passing. I stopped and turned back, waiting for her to catch up to me. “Dude, where have you been?”

“Grounded,” I rolled my eyes as I continued to walk. “I was at my dad’s house for the weekend.”

“Oof,” Ronnie reacted. “Your mom sure knows how to ground you, huh?”

“It’s stupid,” I began to complain. “Like I didn’t know standing up to a bully was now deemed as punishable these days.”

“You know our parents will never understand our generation,” Ronnie concluded, opening her locker door. “They still think telling a teacher is the right thing to do when really, if someone sees you snitching to a teacher, your social life in school is completely destroyed.” I listened to Ronnie as she spoke and took her books out of her locker, slamming the door shut when she was done.

“Yeah, like I can’t even hang out with Aaron after school because my sister has made it her mission to also punish me,” I said, rolling my eyes.

“Why is your sister punishing you?” Ronnie asked, walking down the hall with me.

“It’s a long story,” I dismissed, not wanting to go down the rabbit hole of my family tree. “But I haven’t been to dance practice in awhile because I’ve been hanging out with Aaron after school.” I looked at Ronnie as she cocked an eyebrow up. “What?”

“I mean, you have been hanging out with Aaron a lot these days,” Ronnie mentioned. “I feel like I haven’t seen you at the pizza place with Milo in so long–“

“Well, Milo decided he wanted to spend all of his time with Sophie, so–” I began to say, annoyed at Milo’s name being brought up.

“Wait, he’s dating Sophie? Like, Sophie Lee?” Ronnie stopped in the middle of the hallway. “I knew they were, like, tied to the hip in band class, but I didn’t know they were together like that.”

“Who knows,” I rolled my eyes, starting to walk down the hall again. “My point is that Milo and I don’t hang out that much because he decided he wanted to be wrapped around Sophie’s finger 24/7.” Ronnie stopped in the middle of the hallway again, now with a confused look on her face.

“But, you’re always with Aaron,” Ronnie began to explain. “So you can’t be mad at him for doing what you’re also doing.”

“Milo is doing it out of spite,” I argued, now annoyed. “Aaron and I are actually dating, hanging out, working on things outside of dumbass Waverly.”

“I’m just saying Mollie, Milo isn’t just another guy that you became friends with; he’s your best friend,” Ronnie said to me. “Like, Davy is even noticing it with Milo, and it seems like you both are in the wrong.”

“That’s not my problem; neither is it yours,” I dismissed. The late bell rang, alerting us to go to our final class of the day. “I gotta go, Mr. Kamalani’s class isn’t the one to be late to.”

“Think about what I said, Mol,” I har Ronnie shout out as I walked away. I was tired of people immediately justifying Milo’s actions. If he’s just as much in the wrong, then why isn’t no one starting their conversations saying that he’s in the wrong?

…

I finally got to Jennifer’s dance studio after school, looking through the glass to see if there was anyone already in there. Jennifer is in the studio dismissing a class of younger dancers as I watched. Life was much more simple when I was just a young dancer. I tapped on the glass to let Jennifer know I was here. She looked at the front door where I was standing and walked over to it, opening it for me.

“Wow, you’re actually early for once,” Jennifer said before closing the door behind me.

“There’s nothing else for me to do when your every move is being tracked somehow,” I said, putting my stuff down on the floor.

“Ahhh, the memories of being grounded are flooding back,” Jennifer teased, walking back to the studio floor.

“It’s not funny, Pep,” I said, following my sister. “Like when was it ever wrong to stand up to a bully for someone in this world?”

“When you continuously keep going back and forth with that bully even after the teacher told you to stop,” Jennifer added, looking at me. “You should always let the teacher handle it.”

“Did you ever let a teacher just handle it?” I asked, folding my arms across my chest. I’ve heard of the stories of Jennifer as a teenager from my second older sister, Maryette; she wasn’t a saint when she was my age.

“You’re not me,” she answered, giving me the side-eye. “Plus, I never publicly fought with my best friend over a boy–“

“Puh-lease,” I interrupted, tying my pointe shoes on the ground. “I don’t believe that for one second.”

“But my best friend and I were able to talk things out and realize that our friendship meant more than what we were fighting for.” Jennifer added, turning around now to face me.

“Remember; I’m not you,” I emphasized, getting up from the ground. “Milo was the one who keeps starting it, or did he tell you something different?” I hated talking to Jennifer about Milo at times. It sometimes felt like she got the story from him first since she’s married to his dad, already getting a perspective of the situation that wasn’t entirely true.

“I haven’t spoke to Milo about this,” Jennifer answered, crossing her arms. “I wanted to talk to you about this.” Wait, really?

“Why me?” I said, not wanting to show her my true feelings.

“Because this is more than just some petty fight between two best friends,” Jennifer mentioned. “You guys are in high school, and feelings are much more intense at this age.” She started to walk closer to me, finally sitting down next to me. “Mol, about Aaron–“

“What about him?” I asked, getting defensive.

“I know he showed up at dad’s house the other day,” she admitted to me. “He wasn’t really discreet about leaving the fire escape when I came to pick you up for Mom.”

“He was just visiting me–“

“That boy more than just likes you, Mol,” Jennifer finally spat out, which made me feel uncomfortable. “I know he’s your boyfriend, whether or not you want to admit it or not.” I didn’t say much back; I didn’t know what I could say in this moment with Jennifer. “You wouldn’t jeopardize your friendship with Milo for a boy you just casually had a crush on.”

“What are you trying to say, Pep?” I finally asked, trying to get off this topic as quickly as possible.

“I’m saying that you’re growing up, Mol,” Jennifer began to say, more stern than before. “Your feelings for boys are going to get so intense, you’re not going to know what to do with them. The same thing with boys that like you back. I don’t want you to make decisions solely off of the things that you are feeling. You have to think rationally.”

“I was thinking rationally when I was sticking up for the guy I really like,” I finally admitted. “Milo was in the wrong for saying what he said–“

“This isn’t about you and Milo at this point,” Jennifer dismissed, now becoming more aggressive and annoyed. “I’m talking about you, Mollie. I’m talking about the fact that when you and Aaron are alone and by yourselves with all of your pent up feelings for each other, what are you going to do when things get serious?” I looked at Jennifer, dreading where this conversation is going. I didn’t want to ever have this conversation with my family, let alone my oldest sister. I would rather hear about this in health class this semester.

“I-I don’t know,” I said, actually not knowing what to do if I were to ever be in that situation. “I didn’t think that far ahead.”

“That’s somewhat of a relief,” Jennifer commented. “But it’s going to happen, and you’re going to want to do it and when that day comes, it’s really going to divide you and your friends.”

“How?” I asked, growing more annoyed and uncomfortable. “Why would something that I chose to do with someone I really like divide me from my friends–“

“Because if going through puppy love is having you get suspended, imagine when you finally are having sex,” Jennifer spat out. Hearing her say the S-word really made me cringe and feel icky. Aaron isn’t with me just to… do that with… right? “You have to work things out with Milo.”

“Why?” I said, getting up from the ground again to put my bag on the bench. “Why should I even say sorry or be the bigger person if he refuses to be one himself?”

“Because despite what you guys may feel about each other, you are all the other person has as support,” Jennifer answered. “I learned that the hard way, and I learned it way too late after I first had sex with someone I thought I was in love with.”

“I’m not you, remember?” I said in a sarcastic tone. Jennifer sighed, walking past me and toward the stereo at the corner of the room.

“You have a number to rehearse for,” Jennifer said nonchalantly. “Let’s go.” I walked to the middle of the studio space and looked at myself through the mirror. I then looked at Jennifer who was still standing in the back. She now looks at me through the mirror and I can tell she was frustrated. I didn’t want to let her know how I was feeling in this moment and all of the thoughts running through my head about this conversation. I’m just here to dance.

My father was the person that introduced me to the violin.

My father played music on the side whenever he wasn’t on a busines trip of some sorts. Back in the UK, I used to stare at him play the violin through the screen door leading out to our backyard. The sound of the wind gliding through the trees and the high-pitched chords he used to play always fascinated me as a child. One day, my father noticed me sitting by the door watching him. He smiled as he opened the screen door and picked me up from the ground.

“You’ve been watching papa play this entire time?” he asked me, smile on his face. I nodded my head, pointing at the violin on the patio table. He placed me on his lap as he grabbed the violin, allowing me to touch it. I touched the strings of the violin gently, amazed on how thin they felt on my tiny fingers. “Let me teach you a note.”

…

I sat in my bedroom with my violin on my bed. The case is buckled close. I was frozen in place, just staring at the violin case. The rain was coming down pretty hard today, which was expected for weather in the Spring. I sighed loudly before getting up from the bed, walking toward the window to close it shut. It was now completely silent in my room; not even the sound of rain was present.

It rained the night I heard the front door loudly being knocked on. I got out from my bed, scared for my life. We had only been in America for three months and I was afraid that something had happened, like deportation or something along those lines. I quietly walked out of my bedroom door, slowly walking toward the end of the hall to look downstairs. I don’t see much of what was happening, but there were at least a dozen officers near the front door. Of course, all I could see is my father being handcuffed. All I could hear is my mum asking a million questions to the man in the suit.

I hear a knock on my bedroom door, which makes me turn around. My mum walked in, poking her head in between the doorframe.

“Soojin,” she said softly. I don’t say anything back. She sighed before she walks into my room completely. “Do you want some ramyeon for lunch?”

“I’m not hungry,” I said, not looking at her.

“You haven’t eaten more than kimbap in the last day,” she recalled. “You have to eat something.”

“I’m not hungry!” I turned around and yelled at my mom. Her eyes widen, obviously shocked about me talking back to her.

“Ya, watch your tone when speaking to me,” my mum said stern, letting this one time slide. “I know you’re upset about your father–“

“No,” I corrected. “I’m upset at my father…”

“You shouldn’t be too hard on him,” she insisted.

“Why not? He made these choices! He has to live with them!”

“Soojin, it’s not that simple,” my mum tried to explain. “Everyone has to fight their inner battles–“

“Going to jail for five years wasn’t a choice?” I argued back. “Committing a crime wasn’t a choice that he made?”

“You do not know the entire story,” my mum responded, now getting upset with me. I didn’t care anymore about how she felt or what she wanted me to feel regarding my father. I was getting older, which meant I was able to understand things and have my own opinion on situations, especially the ones your parents tried to influence you towards. “You mean the world to him, Soojin–“

“He left me, mum!” I yelled again. “He wasn’t thinking about me when he decided to do the things he did! He wasn’t considering how this would affect me growing up, or how he wouldn’t be there for my graduations! Showcases! Birthdays! Nothing!” I was on the verge of crying now. “I should not feel bad for a person who actively made those decisions, and then made the decision to make us feel sorry for him by trying to end his life in jail!”

That’s enough!” my mum yelled back at me. “He needs us the most right now, and if he were to find out that you said all of these things or haven’t forgiven him for what he’s done, he would feel absolutely terrible.”

“I don’t care,” I spat out, aggressive as each word left my mouth. “I don’t forgive him, and this stunt he pulled off doesn’t change anything.” I turned back around to face my window; the rain hitting against the glass even harder now. I wanted to come off as this strong girl, holding people accountable for their actions when they should be. But he’s my father. He was my entire world. He was my inspiration, my muse.

My mum didn’t say anything after that. All I heard was the bedroom door slammed shut. This is the start of it all: permanent daddy issues.

…

It was weird to go back to school after being away for a week. Life continued without me being at Waverly; other classmates roam the halls with their friends and chatting among each other, going to their next classes in between the bell time. I felt frozen in time; my mind and body were still stuck in time from two weeks ago, especially after walking past the main office. My next class of the day was the class I was dreading the most; band. I had no desire to play the violin today as it did nothing but remind me of my father, back in the UK, playing out in the backyard.

I entered the class and went straight to my seat. I took out my binder with my sheet music in it, placing it on the music stand in front of me. I turned my head around to look at the back of the room, and to my surprise Milo wasn’t there. Maybe he’s sick? Maybe he’s absent today or something? I turned forward and bent forward to take my violin out of its case.

“Hey,” I hear someone talk in my direction. I looked up to see it was Aaron Serrano.

“Hi,” I said, not saying much to Aaron. There was nothing to talk about with him, but I also didn’t want to be rude to him.

“I just want to say I’m sorry for making you think your section sucks,” he said. I looked up at him, questioning why he was even talking to me in the first place.

“Is that all?” I asked, wanting this conversation to be over.

“Yeah, just wanted to say sorry,” he said, walking away from me. I turned around, needing to know what was his motive.

“Why the change of heart?” I asked, really only wanting to know that.

“No reason,” he said, shrugging his shoulder. “Just thought you needed the pick-me-up.”

“I don’t need anything from you,” I spat back, rolling my eyes. All he does his chuckle to himself, as if I was funny or cute.

“Gosh, you’re definitely loyal to Kamalani,” Aaron commented before going back to his seat. I rolled my eyes, facing forward again. I didn’t have the energy to fight anyone’s battles today, yet alone Milo’s.

Where the hell is he anyway?