Category: Topic Tuesdays

Topic Tuesdays: Random

Get To Know Me: Social Distancing Style!

liz

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

I hope everyone is doing okay and are staying safe! In these times, it’s so easy to isolate yourself from people since we can’t actually be in the same spaces as them physically. For someone with SAD, I know the internal struggle you have about reaching out to people on your own time and actually starting conversations with them, so I was hoping to change that with a self-introduction! Let’s be a couple of social distancing friends!

So, hi!

BB7F9BBB-69A0-4C0C-AA90-B8C835A2CE66

  • My name is Elizabeth, but no one ever calls me by my first name and I like to keep it that way. Don’t get me wrong, I like my first name, but I hate how distant it sounds. I find myself introducing myself as Liz more than Elizabeth; I vividly remember my first day at work and introducing myself to everyone like “I’m Elizabeth, but please call me Liz.” Even the name on my lanyard for work says “Liz” and now everyone calls me Liz.

NVVA5705

  • I am 26-years-old and it sometimes scares me to know that I’m now closer to my 30’s than my 20’s. I don’t feel like I’m in my mid-20’s because, well, I’m a late-bloomer, and a lot of the things I’m doing now are the things that most people in their early-20’s do, but hey! Everyone goes within their pace, and mine just happens to be a bit slower than everyone else. No, it does not mean I’m immature either, it just means I’m 26 and I’m not engaged, married, or have kids, which is something I don’t want. 
  • I am the youngest in my family. I have an older (almost 30) sibling, and they are my only sibling so again, that makes me the youngest. Because I am the youngest, I’m not used to being around people who are even younger than me, but my coworkers have definitely taught me that it’s okay to be the oldest in a group and still be myself!

IMG_9485

  • I am demiromantic. I sort of “came out” in November last year after figuring out that I just wasn’t romantically attracted to heterosexual guys, but girls, gay men, gay women, queers, any human being with good energy. I process romantic attraction and friendship attraction pretty much the same way; if we’re friends and I’m really into your energy and we can connect on a deeper level, there’s a chance I really like you. At first, I was skeptical about sharing this information because I didn’t want anyone to judge me or think I was following a trend out of the blue, but now “I don’t really care what people say, I am just who I am”, or something that ITZY said. 

xfirst_ITZY1300x650,282,29.png.keep.fff.png.pagespeed.ic.97WGr9j_zK

unnamed (1)

  • Speaking of music, I am the ultimate KPop stan. I talk about Kpop way too much, I listen to almost all Kpop music and being a multifandom stan, it’s a lot to follow along to. My ultimate bias groups are ITZY and VICTON, I have all of their albums and will continue to collect them as they come back with more music! I’m always looking for new people to talk all Kpop with; I don’t know many people who listen to it to the same degree that I do, so please – let’s talk Kpop if you’re absolute trash like me!

fullsizerender-18

  • Besides writing, I also sing. I used to take it seriously back in my teenage years when I went to a performing arts high-school; it was my major and I had performed all over the New York State within the three years I was in the advanced choir. Nowadays, I still sing every now and then, but it’s strictly just a hobby of mine rather than my whole life like it was back in the day.
  • I’m a big mental health advocate and will always be. Back in 2018, I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder and major depression and with the right medication and weekly therapy sessions, I’ve gotten a lot better since first being diagnosed with them. Being self-aware of the behavior and patterns I have when I’m feeling myself getting into an episode has helped me cope better, go on personal missions to forgive my past, and become more confident in my ability to see myself in a better light and become more of a social being again.

dribble_icons

  • I was once ashamed of being into the things I like until I met an awesome person who shared most of the same interests as me! Funny story: I knew me and this person would be friends once he walked into my workplace and said that he had seen the Game Grumps live after looking at my Game Grumps-themed t-shirt one day. Once I realized that I shouldn’t be so ashamed of showcasing my interests, I became very vocal about them. So, in a nutshell:
      • I am a huge Game Grumps fan. If I need a mood booster, an episode can instantly make my shit day better. I also tend to watch hours long of their complication to help me fall asleep every single night.
      • Speaking of gaming, I very much belong to the gaming side of YouTube… if I’m not hanging out in the Kpop side of YouTube. I very much like watching YouTube gamers on my time off and it’s crazy that every time I would wear something related to that side of my interests, there are people that share with me that they enjoy it as well!
      • Kelly Clarkson will forever be my idol. I loved her since her American Idol days, I’ve seen her live in concert (and cried) and I pretty much know all of her songs lyric-by-lyric by heart.
      • Speaking of music, although Kpop is my superior genre of interest, I very much listen to anything and everything. I grew up around music and different styles of it, which very much reflected on the music I shared and was interested in hearing from others. From classical and acapella bops to some straight out of the projects hood shit, I’ve listened to it.
      • I have a passion for rhetoric and writing composition all thanks to my former thesis advisor/ now friend and mentor, Ro! She taught a rhetoric class I took in grad school and it changed my perspective on writing completely. I totally look up to her career-wise, and although teaching isn’t in my plan, I hope to be completely in the rhetoric world as she is when I get more advanced in the field.
      • I’m not the biggest movie person in the world, but I most likely have seen the show you reference in your conversations. If you say anything that came out of The Real Housewives Franchise, I most likely know it. If you say anything that came out of The Golden Girls, The King of Queens, and my favorite TV show of all-time, The Killing, I will most likely know it.

FXWS3518

  • I’ve crossed some things off of my bucket list this year alone! For starters, I went to my first ever Kpop concert and I traveled to Florida! So, I have a heavy list of things I want to do in my life. For starters, I want to go to South Korea for a vacation possibly for my 30th birthday. My coworker gave me that idea while we were talking about dream destinations, and I thought it would be a great idea to put it on my bucket list! I also want to go to see Victon live in concert if they ever come to the States for a tour and if not, guess I’m flying to South Korea sooner than later, but in general, I want to travel so fucking much, and I’m glad that my trip to Florida popped my airplane cherry. Yeah, she was a first.
  • Where do I see myself in 5 years? In 5 years, I’ll be 31-years-old, and I hope by that time I’d done everything that I wanted to do in my 20’s. It would be great if I’m in some serious long-term relationship by then, but I just see myself possibly being the version of myself I was meant to be as an adult.

And that’s pretty much it! Let’s talk! Let’s share some interests together in this world of social distancing!

hand endnote

Topic Tuesdays: Advice

The Scary Thing About Mental Health During The COVID-19 Quarantine.

liz

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz.

For many of us, we are weeks into the quarantine phase of this whole COVID-19 outbreak. Living in NYC, it’s been extra stressful for us to live in a state that has become the epicenter of the virus in the U.S. Living in a predominantly Asian neighborhood, nearly everything is closed, once a crowded area is now deserted, and it’s just an intense time to be living, in all honesty. It’s scary, but we’re all trying to get through this time as efficiently and safely as possible.

With that being said, it’s not only important to focus on our physical health, but our mental health is just as important! Being home without any other social interaction besides whoever lives in your household (which sadly some of us live alone) can take a major toll on your mental health. Like I mentioned in my letter about COVID-19, some of our home environments are not the most healthy spaces for us to be, and our jobs, schooling, or just routines out of the house are the things that keep us grounded and our mental health in a healthy state. When those things are taken away from us so abruptly like it was, it’s difficult to transition into the current new “normal”.

Personally, I find myself not only getting back into old behavioral patterns, but I’m also aware of just how depressed and “not myself” I’ve been lately. I’m aware that the last time I felt this way, I was unemployed and stuck in the house for most of my days for the majority of last year. I know this because a lot of my thinking feels the same as it did, and slowly but surely, I’m finding it hard to be productive, stay motivated, honestly to just get out of bed. It’s the uncertainty, it’s my surroundings, and it’s just my cycle coming back around, and this time I don’t have my routine to help control it.

Of course, I am probably not the only one. In fact, I believe many of us are in the same boat, whether or not they are diagnosed with any mental disorders. It’s a difficult time for everyone; it’s the anxiety of contracting the virus and harming those with compromised immune systems, it’s the anxiety of sheltering and living under this quarantine with very limited supplies left, and it’s the depression of all of this plus the fact you feel like you have no control of your life and what to do with it. Sure, we could watch all the TV, videos, and movies all we want, but we are social beings. Once our body needs that social interaction with other people other than the people in your household, we want it. 

Sadly, there are going to be people in situations where they are constantly triggered and to not have an escape to go to, things could get dangerous and serious.

That’s the scariest part.

Being in an environment that’s mentally draining and unhealthy for your mental health plus the anxiety and depression of COVID-19 could leave anyone feel like they have no control over their own lives. The fact that we have all this time now to overthink and sulk in our negative thoughts, it could be potentially dangerous for those with more severe mental illness. There’s no routine for those who rely upon it, there’s no actual “getting up out of your house to go to therapy” anymore, there’s not even a damn escape place you can go to because everything is closed. It’s that feeling that you have no control over anything that makes everything feel ten times more difficult.

This letter isn’t making you feel any better, I know, but I just wanted to voice out the concerns and the misunderstandings that people may have about this time; it’s more than just “getting the virus”. It’s the fear that comes behind it, it’s the day-by-day life and how that looks like for most of us, it’s not knowing what type of security we have financially; it’s a lot of things, and our mental health is the thing that takes the biggest toll in times like this.

So please, try to take care of your mental health throughout a time like this. It’s so easy to get sucked into all this madness, but make sure you check-in with yourself mentally: how am I doing? Do I feel happy/sad/angry/drained/okay today? What are some things that I could in the house that can help keep me focused on good energy? 

Stay safe, and take care of yourself!

hand endnote

Topic Tuesdays: Random

How Liz Got Her Groove Back (in Poetry).

liz

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

So, about a little over a year ago, I remember publishing a post on the reason why I don’t write poetry anymore. TLDR, it basically was because poetry reminded me about some dark parts of my past and the person that I was when I was writing poetry. In a way, the craft was tainted for me; I have some of my closest friends at the time tell me that I should stop writing because it wasn’t good and for a while, I listened to them. I haven’t written a single piece of poetry since 2013.

That was, until recently.

You see, poetry was a quick and artistic way of me to express how I was feeling and what was going through my mind. It was more like mental check-ins than poetry, which was just my style of poetry, but the people around me made me try even harder to seem “dope” or “cool”, hence the try-hard poetry started. Don’t get me wrong, some of those pieces are still my favorite pieces I’ve ever written, but I never wanted my writing, especially my word-vomit of poetry, to be taken so…seriously? Well, I guess so try-hard like.

IMG_0180

I stopped writing because I was just scared of starting again. I felt like I lost my passion for poetry after a while, and it was hard for me to just finish a piece every now and then. I don’t know why or how I got back into writing “poetry”; maybe it was just another outlet to express the things that were happening to me, but I started to just do a “iPhone note poem” every night and sharing them on my social media and the rest is history.

9E60B1A1-1847-41ED-BF32-997DCFAD91CD

In a way, writing these little poems became therapeutic on the days that I just had a lot to say but no one to say it to. Many of these poems are inspired by therapy sessions, the ones that require me to dig up old shit and think about it in order to heal from it. I’m glad that they do because every time I write something regarding a heavy topic on my mind it helps me put those feelings into words and let it out of my system. Of course, when I first started writing them, it was very hard for me to accept the fact that they weren’t so poetic as my poetry once was. These little note poems are simply just thoughts on a paper (well, phone screen); in other words, it was a very low-stakes type of writing. It meant that I wouldn’t judge myself too hard on how “good” the poem was and that the fact that I was writing again was the only thing that mattered.

So, rekindle an old passion you once had. Stop believing that your art is not good enough, it’s the fact that you’re even doing it in the first place is all that matters! We gotta stop being so hard on ourselves, especially when it comes to our craft! It’s taking me a lot of work to embrace just doing it; no judgment, no comparison, nothing that influences your want to just do it.

So, yeah. I stopped writing poetry because I thought I wasn’t a good enough writer. Now I write it because it allows my thoughts to have a voice for once.

And that’s how Liz got her groove back (in poetry).

hand endnote

 

Topic Tuesdays: Music

Dear Kpop Stans, Stop Being a Toxic Community.

liz

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

So, it’s no surprise that I’m a huge fan of Kpop. If you follow me on any social media platform (particularly Instagram), you will see that my love for Kpop is pretty… visible to say the least.

To keep my Kpop story short, I started listening to Kpop and getting interested in it in 2018 when I was doing laundry with my mother at an Asian laundromat while they played TWICE’s “KNOCK KNOCK” on their TV. After listening to a couple of their songs on Spotify, the rest is truly history.

Image result for twice

It took me a while to gain an interest in other Kpop groups; there were just so many to listen to and I didn’t know where to start my search for other groups. While watching Korean variety shows and browsing playlists online for other Kpop groups, I had a pretty intensive repertoire of artists that not only did I enjoy their music, I enjoyed them as a group.

In other words, I became a stan.

Image result for x1 kpop

Once you get yourself into a world of particular interest, it could either be pretty supporting or pretty toxic, and it truly determines whether or not new people who are looking to join that world truly do it in the long run. When I started to watch and get really into the TV Show, The Killing, a couple of years ago, the community I joined were a very supportive and loving one; we joined together to fight for the 4th season of the show to be picked up by Netflix (which did) and it was honestly a community that saved my life back in 2013 when things in my personal life were rocky.

Although the Kpop community is a large one and supportive in their own way, there’s a reason why I like to stay in my own personal bubble of Kpop and not openly discuss my views or likings with other members of that community.

Truth be told: the Kpop community is toxic to those who are multi-fandom stans.

Image result for izone

As I browse most of my day on Instagram looking at Kpop photos and things to share on my stories, the comments and some discussions I find on these photos are just… baffling to me. You have people tearing other people down because they don’t hardcore stan “their bias” or get into arguments about who’s the better singer, dancer, the prettiest – whatever – in the group when really the group is a group for a reason and are all equally talented? Don’t get me wrong, I have my favorites in my favorite groups: Seungyoun in X1, Seungwoo & Seungsik & Sejun (oh my) in VICTON, Yeji & Ryujin in ITZY, and Jeongyeon & Chaeyoung in TWICE, but I won’t ever go on social media and belittle any of the other members of these groups to make my “bias” look better. Also, I don’t try to force my favorite groups, or just Kpop in general, to other people because, newsflash: not everyone is going to like what you like. 

Image result for victon

As a community, we can do some amazing things. When X1 announced their disbandment in early January, K-One its and International One its have been actively trying to get the group to debut again and back together and by doing that, they have been raising money for events and protests in South Korea in order to show these agencies that X1 deserves another chance together after being completely innocent in the Produce series manipulation scandal. It’s been a beautiful movement to witness online and see just how much impact the X1 fandom is fighting for their beloved group. In times like that where a group has been mistreated and punished and treated unfairly, Kpop fans are hardcore and ready to call out the bullshit and protect their idols at all costs. That’s the type of community we should be, not the one that’s aggressive, mean to others, obnoxious and scary for newcomers.

Image result for itzy

Instead of attacking each other and trying to make our favorites superior to everyone else in the industry, our energy should be towards supporting the idols and their music, coming together to enjoy the music of these idols and their events. One thing I realized being an international KPop fan going to a Kpop concert in NYC, the best energy spent with these idols are ones where they feel like we are one, together, and connected like a family. Whether you’re a ONCE, One It, WIZ*ONE, Alice, or a Midzy, we’re all there for the same reason: for the love of music!

So as I wrote this to our Kpop community: let’s be more welcoming to newcomers, supportive for multi-fandoms, and kind-hearted.

image0

hand endnote

Topic Tuesdays: Love/Relationships

26-Year-Old Liz Reacts to her Favorite Poem She Wrote to Date.

liz

Our Life Through a Kaleidoscope

I’m in love with the way you look next to me.
You always grab a hold of my hand and kiss the palm of it like a
promise telling me I’ll always have you in the reach of a fingertip.
I’m in love with the long walks we take through Fort Greene Park as you
hug me from behind and continue to walk down the bumpy path while we
take breaks to sit on fallen tree trunks and talk;

I love that we talk.
And talk.
And talk.

I love how we can talk for hours:
on the phone whenever I ask you to come over because I’m terribly upset,
The midnight conversations on video chat until the sun comes up to tell us to finally get some rest,
and even the slightest moment before we make love to each other;
We are always talking to each other.

I love that you are the epitome of sex appeal.
I love staring at your heart-shaped lips whenever you bite them with your teeth,
I love how you say my name in your sexiest voice, even if you don’t have to do much to make it sexy,
I love the way you smell like Vanilla even if your skin is the perfect chocolate tone,
you make my teeth hurt just by walking my way,
my goodness, you make yourself edible.
I love how you taste when we kiss;

I love the way you passionately kiss me.

I love how your kisses always feel like fireworks over the beach in Coney Island,
how they leave me dizzy like a Cyclone but somehow I never get sick of them.
I love the slight moment after we kiss where we are against each other’s noses just looking into each other’s eyes,
I love the way your eyes look at me, even when you do something completely stupid,
I love that we can fight
and fight
and fight
and be mad at each other for a while and come back like nothing ever happened,

I love how forgiving your heart is.

I’m in love with your forgiveness after the many “I’m sorry” sentences that came out of me like a broken record,
And for the record, I love how you have been the only person who truly understands my mind,
especially during the times late at night, I’m hysterically crying because I’m just lonely,
when everyone else thinks I’ve gone crazy.

I love that you are crazy with me.

I love how much we have in common,
You’re like the family that never understood me,
the bedroom that I never had to run away to whenever I needed some privacy,
I love that you were my place to run to;

I love how you feel like home.

The hugs that would caress my body and shelter me better than any house I ever lived in,
The laugh that should’ve won a Grammy because it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard,
The way you protect me from the robbers trying to steal my heart away from you,
I still love
the sacrifice you made to even be here so that I knew what it felt like to finally be home instead
of wrecking everyone else’s.

I’m in love with your words.
I’m in love with the feel of your existence,

But I am not in love with you.

This was the last poem I ever posted on Facebook, and it was the last poem that I wrote in a long while for personal reasons.

This poem, in particular, is one of my favorites because it perfectly described a moment in my life where I was in love with the gestures of lovers but really had to question if I was in love with them. This was written during a weird time in my life, in the midst of everything happened in my life, all in everything with emotion and feelings. 

After 7 years, this poem truly still relates to me in the present day.

I’m still trying to learn the difference between loving someone versus being in love with someone and which one truly coincides with romance. Did I just love these people because they were unique, interesting, different? Did I just love the aura of romance I had with these people? Despite everything, was I in love with them? Yeah, I was. 

This poem was about a love I had that I was trying to let go because it was hurting me more than it felt good. I’m a hopeless romantic, and the gestures of love are one of my many weaknesses, even if there were times I was heartbroken and hurt by this person. I still had mad love for this person, but I wasn’t in love with them anymore, and this poem was one of the first poems I wrote that pretty much let me start this journey of letting go because I needed to love me more than I loved this person.

The same applies to what I’m currently going through.

That even though it’s been a half a year things ended in my last relationship, I still have a hard time letting go of the gestures of love that were shown in that relationship. I could still love the person for them, but I can’t be in love with them or else I’ll never be able to move on, and that is going to take more than 6 months to try to work out with myself.

I called it “Our Life Through a Kaleidoscope” because of my life and romantic was never clear enough. It was never a clear image of how love was supposed to look like, how the romance was supposed to feel like; it was just something I truly never had a glimpse of, but it was still pretty to look at. 

Sometimes, that’s the thing about love: when you’re in them and when you portray this image to the outside world, it looks pretty, shiny, something you want for yourself, not ever knowing that behind close doors or the truth of it all is that the love that you admire so much or are afraid of losing is not real or obtainable as well as you thought.

19-Year-Old Liz was a true ass poet, y’all.

hand endnote

Topic Tuesdays: Raw & Personal

I Stopped Taking Birth Control Because of my Mental Health.

liz

Dear, guys – welcome to Letters From Liz!

One thing I promised myself to do this year is to discuss some real ass shit on the blog without any boundaries, so here we are, coming back on the blog, talking about the most taboo thing no one likes to openly talk about: birth control.

So, I started to take birth control later in my twenties; it was a very stupid thing to wait so long to get on it after years of, you know, but as I was getting older, wiser, smarter, whatever – I started to take birth control. At first, I was beyond scared to miss taking pills to the point that I used to set an alarm to take it with my anxiety medication. I was funny y’all. The months passed by, the periods became something more manageable, I wasn’t too nervous about being late on my period during the stressful times in my life, and well, birth control was just something routine in my life that many people take in their everyday lives.

But, I started to realize something about my behavior and my mind when I was on birth control.

Photo Credit: Refinery29

To give some background on birth control (sex education, y’all), you typically take one pill daily; 28 pills come in a pack because on average, your period cycle is approximately 28 days. The first three rows, or “weeks”, are the actual hormonal pill, the pills have estrogen in them to help do all the funky stuff in your reproduction system. It’s called birth control because it helps control the egg from dropping during ovulation, which prevents you from getting pregnant. Other uses for birth control is to regulate your period cycle for people who have irregular, heavy periods, and for people who have other reproduction system issues. Finally, the fourth row, or a week, is the placebo pill, “sugar pill”, which in certain prescriptions excludes that row, simply because it’s a pill that has nothing inside of it; it’s just a pill to keep yourself on track with and remind you to keep taking your pills.

I was on birth control for almost 2 years before I decided to stop taking it. I stopped taking it for several reasons at first; for starters, I was now not having sex anymore and decided to not want to have sex anymore for personal reasons and for the simple fact that at this time in my life, sex is just not for me. Because I mainly started to use it because I was sexually active, I felt that because I was using it for that main purpose, it felt like I was just taking the pill to take the pill despite me feeling how I felt whenever I was on the pill.

I ultimately ditched birth control after I realized that the longer I was on it, the more depressed I was feeling, to the point where suicidal thoughts come here and there on the months where I was at my lowest. Now, don’t get me wrong, my mental health goes up and down all the time; with major depression, there are parts of my life where I’m not the greatest, but the type of depression I felt when I was on birth control was some of the worst depression I’ve experienced in my life. I would be depressed for half of the month, and only feel like myself whenever I was on the placebo week of my birth control.

But Liz, how did you know it was the birth control and not just the depression? Well, at first I didn’t. It wasn’t until I did some research on birth control and depression and even some experimenting to realize that birth control was just something that contributed to my poor mental health.

I started to see the change in my behavior and my mood when I stopped taking it. I saw that my depression on my lowest days wasn’t as severe or unmanageable as it was while being on the pill. I also realized that I’ve been more of myself for more of the month rather than the opposite, sure the PMS still lives on and I sometimes just need my me time, but I haven’t been at the point where I’m unmotivated, uninspired, unable to get out of bed and be productive. Possibly other things contribute to that now, but I realize I don’t bring myself down or degrade myself as a person as much as I did while being on the pill.

I’ve been off the pill for a couple of weeks now and I can honestly say I’m so happy to be off of it.

I’m not saying birth control doesn’t have its perks;  it helps millions of people get through their cycles and their reproductive issues and I’m grateful to live in the time when resources like birth control and other forms of contraceptive prevention available although they should be more widely and universally available; that’s another argument for another day.

I’m also thankful that I’m not tied down to taking birth control. Again, preventing pregnancy was the main reason I was taking the pill, but now that I’m not sexually active, there are more cons for me to continue taking it rather than pros.

I recommend every to talk to their doctor about taking birth control and please let them know the effects that birth control causes! There are other forms that may be more suitable and right for you! Ask your doctor to discuss the pros and cons of birth control, and don’t just jump into it just because “you’re a ‘woman’ who should be on it.” If you suffer from clinical depression, ask your doctor and let them know your concerns about your mental health while being on the pill. These are literal hormones you are putting in your body, which will chemically inbalance everything else in your system!

Of course in the future, I will be back on it if I’m truly trying to live that no kids’ life, but as of right now, this is the best decision I can make for me and my mental health.

And please, let’s remove the taboo-ness of talking about birth control. It’s life, no matter what people may think.

hand endnote

 

Topic Tuesdays: Raw & Personal

This is My Farewell to You.

liz

The only way to diffuse the energy behind the negative things in your life is to talk about them.” – Dr. Cathy Burns.

To the man I’ve mourned for the last couple of years,

I miss you. You weren’t always perfect, and sometimes you didn’t know how to emotionally be there for us, but you still cared and loved us to the best of your ability. You came to shows, graduations, celebrations, and you always sang ‘happy birthday’ and made your best effort to make it seem like Santa truly came through our fire escape window on Christmas Eve.

Although the old you is the person I would forever mourn, it’s about time I let you go, for the sake of my mental health, the trauma these last couple of years have brought me, and simply because the person you now embody is toxic to my being.

I’ve tolerated the comments, the behavior, the long nights of loud yelling, simply the person that I’ve grown to hate for the last couple of years, and I simply can’t anymore.

I will not love a fragment of who you were, because you are not him anymore. I will not continue to support a person as misogynistic, hurtful, degrading, and not willing to get help for the issues you carry anymore. As an adult, I can say that I appreciated you caring and loving me as a child; the moments where we watched wrestling on Thursdays and NASCAR Racing on Sundays are some of the moments I’ll cherish forever, but I simply can’t hold onto those moments and hope that I get to experience something even similar to them now.

The reality is that I will never get you back, and the person you are today will never remember those moments, these moments of my life, and the moments and milestones I make in the future.

Quite frankly, I can’t have you so involved in my life, and I could only try to love you from afar, or not anymore.

Because I will not inhibit you calling those I care about disgusting names. I will not inhibit your drinking problem by lending you money. I will not inhibit you calling me a bitch out of anger and proceeding to laugh and say, “that’s why your ex dumped your ass.”

And even if you will never remember the hurtful things you say and apologize for saying them, I will always remember them, and they will leave even deeper cuts than before.

Because of that, I will not allow you to be a part of my life anymore.

I will not allow you to verbally and emotionally abuse me & my family and expect me to respect you just because you are blood.

A daughter should never have to hear the things you say about her, her sister, and her mother; mentally ill or not.

So, this is my farewell to you. This is my letter to the person I do not know anymore. This is my letter to the person I will always hold close to my heart, and a reminder to the old you that you will never be forgotten. This is my farewell letter because I’m tired of being hurt by your actions, and I’m tired of proving myself every time when I say this new version of yourself does not see me as your daughter, but your illness sees me as one of your enemies.

This is my farewell letter to you, because it’s about time I start to heal from this. This is my farewell letter to you, in hopes that the old you, if even still inside you, realizes that you need to seek help to repair the relationships in your life.

As for now, this is goodbye.

Topic Tuesdays: Random

Fourth Tattoo: Story + Meaning.

liz

EGQJ2148.JPG

25 had taught me that you truly only live once and if you really want to do something, go and fucking do it.

On a Thursday afternoon on the bus on my way home from work, I decided that I wanted to get my fourth tattoo.

Whenever I decide that I want to get a new tattoo, it typically means that something in my life has saved me in a sense, and I decide to document (or honor) that thing through a tattoo idea. My first tattoo honored my favorite TV show of all time, The Killing, the second one honors my passion for writing, the third one represents Kelly Clarkson’s My December album, and this fourth one needed to represent the new thing that has saved me a couple of times: KPop.

KPop was introduced into my life about a year and a half ago during one of my laundry days with my mother. I live in a predominantly Asian neighborhood in NYC, so the laundromat we go to is owned by an Asian family. One day during our laundry days, they played TWICE’s “Knock Knock” on the TV, and the rest is history. It was catchy, it was cute, and I had to go home afterward and find the song on Spotify and listen to it. It then led me down a rabbit hole of everything KPop related. Since then, it’s become pretty much the only genre of music I listen to, and I know a lot more than I should about Kpop, in all honesty. At the end of the day, KPop music makes me extremely happy, and it has saved me through a lot of dark moments of my life within the last year and a half. It was only right that sooner or later, I’d get something that symbolized KPop tattooed on my body.

It’s not common for KPop idols to have tattoos; in fact, most idols with tattoos have to wear a skin-colored patch over their tattoos on music shows just so that they look more “clean” and “natural”. Tattoos in South Korea aren’t as widely accepted as they are in westernized countries, but people do have them and some of them happen to be KPop idols. Particularly TWICE’s Chaeyoung has gotten a couple of tattoos in the last few months which I’m all for, but also two members of X1 have multiple tattoos of their own: Seungwoo and Seungyoun.

Whenever they are allowed to show their tattoos at events and whatnot, one tattoo of Seungyoun’s always caught my eye. I mean sure, Seungwoo’s “Don’t rock me up” tattoo was the true star of the “U GOT IT” performance back in PDX101…

Related image

Ugh, take me back. 

Anyway, I didn’t realize Seungyoun has this tattoo on his wrist until I began to see it in promotional pictures for their album as well as fancam pictures at their fan-signs. On Seungyoun’s wrist, he has a read sad, crying face next to a plus sign and then a yellow smiley face. In an article, it states it represents both of his sides (duh), but also that he got them when his former group, UNIQ, was in an indefinite hiatus.

Image result for seungyoun tattoo

I really liked the overall tattoo, although personally for me, I’m not a fan of colored tattoos. I can only imagine how many Seungyoun fans now have this tattooed on their bodies as well, and I guess I’m one of them now, but I truly wanted to get it a little different than his. Atlas, my tattoo came to life.

Not only does this tattoo represent my love for KPop, but it also has another true meaning behind it. Where there is sadness, there is happiness. Where there’s bad, there’s good. Where there are downs, there’re ups. You can’t have one without the other, and together, they make up life.

I didn’t know if I was really ready to get this tattooed on my body, but something told me that this was the perfect multi-meaning tattoo I could possibly get for myself. So, I said “fuck it”, and stopped at the tattoo parlor I usually go to and got this walk-in by one of the guys there named Alex. It took 15 minutes tops; 10 minutes to set up his station, 5 minutes to tattoo it for me. I absolutely love it. 

I don’t know if this will be the last tattoo (probably not, my sibling and I need to get our matching ones still), but I know that whatever I decide to get in the future, it would mean something to me and represent that part of my life.

I’m glad that this impulse decision was a good one! 😉

hand endnote

 

 

Topic Tuesdays: Music

My Thoughts on SM’s New Global Kpop Group, SuperM.

liz

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

A little disclaimer before we begin: I know I’m a couple of weeks late and my opinion on this boy group probably doesn’t count at this point, but I really wanted to share my thoughts regarding one of the most highly anticipated debuts in the Kpop industry this year.

So, for all of my non-Kpop viewers, let me give you some background on how the Kpop industry works.

The music industry in South Korea is definitely different than how American music industries work. For starters, American artists are usually signed under a record label are guaranteed some sort of exposure or music being made; Kpop idols take years to build up. KPop artists before they debut are trainees within entertainment agencies, and just because they get accepted into an agency doesn’t mean they will get the chance to debut right away. Some trainees are just luckier than others, but some trainees don’t get the chance to debut until years after they became trainees. For example, TWICE’s Jihyo was a trainee under JYP Entertainment for 10 years before she got the chance to debut. Of course, then there are situations when you finally get your chance to debut, but the turnout of your debut isn’t as successful as your company expected it to be. It’s one of the reasons why a lot of already debuted idols (i.e Victon’s Seungwoo & Byungchan, UNIQ’s Seungyoun, IM’s Hangyul, UP10TION’s Wooseok & Jinhyuk, Fromis_9’s Gyuri and many others that I cannot think of right now) go on popular survival shows as trainees: it’s their second chance at success as idols.

Although there are dozens of Korean entertainment agencies and although many of them are well-known for creating successful Kpop groups and soloists, the top three entertainment agencies that are guaranteed success no matter what comes out of there are SM Entertainment, JYP Entertainment, and YG Entertainment. SM Entertainment homes groups like Girls’ Generation, Red Velvet, EXO, NCT (U, Dream, 127, and all the other sub-units), SHINee, and f(x). JYP Entertainment homes groups such as TWICE, ITZY, GOT7, Wonder Girls, Miss A, DAY6, 2AM & 2PM. Lastly, YG Entertainment holds groups like BlackPink, iKON, 2NE1, BigBang, WINNER, and even soloist PSY, famous for “Gangnam Style” (He actually now runs his own agency called P Nation).

Now that you have a good idea on some of the background behind some of Kpop’s biggest names, let’s get to the meat and potatoes, shall we?

SuperM. Man, do I have a lot to say about this new boy group. 

SuperM debuted earlier this month after being announced last summer as SM Entertainment’s new Kpop project group. The purpose of this new “supergroup” was to pretty much create the next big thing in western culture; with BTS’ huge success in the United States and opening the door for third-generation Kpop internationally, many other agencies are now trying to mimic that success with groups of their own. For example: TWICE went on a four-stop North American World Tour during the summer, Blackpink has been on various daytime & nighttime talk shows to promote their music and United States appearances (like Coachella), and many other boy groups from other companies are traveling to the United States in hopes of exposure.

SM Entertainment is known as one of Kpop’s biggest successes within the second generation of the genre, and although their groups are still successful within third generation Kpop, the competition is just becoming too real, and they are slowly becoming the third biggest company out of the big 3; like seriously, TWICE is breaking records left and right and are possibly the biggest and most successful girl group of all time, which used to be SM Entertainment’s very own Girls’ Generation about a decade ago.

So, with that being said, I’m not surprised that SM made a decision like this one.

Again, I’m not blaming any of the members of SuperM, and quite frankly they are doing this because they follow what their company wants them to do; I’m pretty much exposing the fact that SM Entertainment took the easiest route of success and “debuted” well-known Kpop idols in a group together in order to target the American audience.

SuperM is a seven-member boy group consisting of members within three other SM groups: SHINee’s Taemin, EXO’s Kai and Baekhyun, and NCT’s (127 & WayV) Taeyong, Mark, Ten, and Lucas. If you’re a Kpop fan, you’ve probably heard of these groups, and these members of their respected groups; these three boy groups are wildly popular and have a huge following in South Korea, and even internationally. 

So, of course, it would make sense that SM Entertainment would put together a group of all famous well-established idols and target the American audience for just a quick success-rate.

This is where I have a problem:

There are thousands of trainees in Korean entertainment agencies that are fresh, young, and talented. They work hard and they train hard in hopes of their agencies seeing their potential to debut in new projects, and it really does sadden me that SM Entertainment doesn’t have faith in their trainees to debut a new group all-together or promote their already successful boy groups internationally. It also pisses me off that SM Entertainment only gave this opportunity of expansion to male idols when really it’s a female Kpop group we need in the United States to blow up. Maybe the American music industry isn’t so accepting of girl groups due to their cutesy image & the US really only acknowledges “girl-crush” groups, but still – SM Entertainment could’ve easily debuted a badass vocal Kpop girl group that could shut the American music industry down. 

But nope: try to recreate the success of BTS with already famous idols because it’s an easier way to success.

I probably wouldn’t have been so salty if their debut single wasn’t so… awful. First of all, it’s barely considered Kpop anymore when the entire song is pretty much an English song with four or five Korean lyrics sprinkled in there. Again, I know it’s targeting international audiences, but it still is a Kpop group; native English speakers in America didn’t fuck with Kpop because it was cool; it was because of the music!

The debut single is called “Jopping“, which is the words “jumping” and “popping” put together. Don’t get me wrong, it’s catchy and I think it slaps, but for an anticipated supergroup like SuperM, a concept in Kpop that hasn’t been done before might I add, it was just underwhelming for a lot of people.

This is why I believe this group was put together for a guaranteed success that required no actual work on the company’s part.

What SM should’ve done was to either push their existing groups (it’s not like they are failing anyway) to transition them overseas, or create a Kpop group with trainees that fit this overall concept; get some Korean trainees who could be the face of the group when promoting in Korea, get some foreign trainees (Japanese, Thai, Chinese, Korean-American) that can represent the group in their respective countries, and definitely have some of these members cater to English speaking audiences by having some fluent English speaking members in the group.

What I’m saying is that talent is talent, and I can only imagine how much work it truly is being a trainee to potentially an idol in South Korea. It looks difficult, it looks exhausting, and I bet you that many of these trainees who are still young as fuck are sacrificing being away from their families in order to follow their dream of becoming a Kpop idol.

BTS didn’t have any special members to make them famous in the US.

So in conclusion, in my opinion, I probably wouldn’t care to follow this group and their activities because here’s my very unpopular Kpop opinion: I don’t really like nor know these guys or the groups they come from. Of course, I’m a nobody, and if you want to “stan” them, go right ahead – these idols deserve the love they get from their fans! I just hate that the company decided to make a move like this in order to obtain more success and money from international fans, especially in the United States. I mean, how does a Kpop group from South Korea under a South Korean entertainment agency doesn’t promote, perform, or tour in South Korea? If anything, it’s immensely important to become a big deal in Korea first: if you blow up in Korea, you then blow up in all of the East Asian countries (and China) surrounding Korea – it’s happened for every single Kpop group I’ve been following. 

But hey, what do I know? I’m just Kpop trash.

hand endnote

Topic Tuesdays: Advice

Let’s Talk About Empathy & Sympathy.

liz

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

New month, new beginnings, new adventures, new lessons, and new experiences to grow from. Every month for me is truly a journey, and for the 9 months of 2019 we went through, it’s been a long, hard journey.

I wanted to talk about this idea that I feel many of us misinterpret or misuse when talking about desires, personality traits, and resolving conflicts with people. We’ve all heard of sympathy; we can hear other people and their stories and understand where they are coming from, and because we understand, we can respect others for sharing their emotions and feelings to the public. Being sympathetic is a good trait to have; people trust other people who are willing to hear them out and understand their feelings and emotions about a specific situation. Those closest to you are trusting of you enough to allow them to express their feelings and emotions without any judgment, but it also allows the person receiving and listening to still keep their distance emotionally for their own personal sake.

So, why would people rather have someone to talk to who is empathetic than sympathetic?

Well, let’s define what empathy truly means. Empathy, in its most simple form, is when the person listening to the person who is expressing their feelings and emotions not only understands how that person feels, but they also feel how that person is feeling. In other words, someone who is empathetic knows how it feels to be in similar shoes of the person who is expressing their emotions and feelings. Sounds good, right? Wouldn’t it be great to have a friend or two in life who are willing to feel the way that you feel about something to the same degree? Wouldn’t it be right if the person you’re talking to also feels the way you feel in certain situations? Wouldn’t empathy be the great trait to have in friendships or relationships because as humans, all we want for the people we care for the most is to feel how we feel about certain scenarios and situations?

On paper, it sounds like a better trait. In practice, not so much.

For a while, I thought I was one of the special ones and thought I was empathetic more than sympathetic. I’m always taking what people tell me in confidence to heart, whether it’s a negative or positive situation. I thought I was the type of person that you could come to and talk about feelings and emotions because I knew how to respond to them and how to handle people in their most vulnerable state. Especially when it came to mental health, I thought I knew that because I go through mental health issues myself, it automatically enrolls me into the Empathy Club.

I believe I showcase empathy in certain situations, but I’m not an empathetic person.

Maybe I haven’t figured out the balance of being empathetic and still keeping my inner core strength, but in the years I’ve done experienced empathy-focused conversations and discussions, I do not have that power yet to separate myself from those said scenarios. In other words, every time I allowed myself to feel someone else’s emotions and feelings, it negatively impacted me and my mental health.

Empathy is truly a blessing and a curse; it’s great to be the person who can feel the emotions others are going through, but it also takes a toll on your own personal being, and from experience, it becomes this toxic cycle of needing empathy from other people when in hindsight, I believe no one can ever fully be empathetic.

Well, I can only speak for myself. 

It doesn’t mean that I’m this cold-hearted bitch that you can’t talk to without making you feel like shit; I do believe I’m a very sympathetic person. I’ve always been sympathetic and I’ve always understood (if not, then I tried to understand) where another person is coming from and where their headspace is at. I try my hardest not to judge people and allow them to come as they come because I know that’s how I want to be treated in return. I can be sympathetic and understanding of one’s feelings and emotions, but for my own personal mental health reasons, I can’t allow myself to feel, nor will I ever fully feel how someone else is feeling.

I mean, how can you possibly feel what another person is feeling? I’m not talking about intimate relationships either, but the everyday relationships you have with your family, friends, co-workers, strangers, etc? You don’t know how it feels to live in the life of those in your life. You don’t know the type of struggles they go through, what they have to deal with on a day-to-day- basis, nor why they act the way they act. You simply don’t know, all you can do is understand. 

If I learned anything within this year, it’s the fact that I won’t ever feel the same way a person feels. I may know how it feels, I may understand how it feels through experiences in life, but I will never feel what other people are feeling. People’s triggers, breaking points, breaking good/bad news will always be different for every individual, hence the way they act or feel about it is unique to them.

But maybe I’m just being too logical about this. 

Maybe there is a way where you can feel another person’s feelings and emotions without losing yourself in the process. Maybe you can understand what caused a person to feel the way they do, and experience it yourself internally or something. Maybe there are ways where you could be aware enough to the point whenever you approach someone with your own emotions and feelings, you ask in advance if they can handle you at this given moment.

Maybe empathy is something you have when you’re confident enough with yourself. Maybe being an empathetic person isn’t my alignment because I’m on this “good selfish” path where I’m finally prioritizing myself. Maybe being sympathetic is all I can offer to people at the moment, not because I’m self-centered, but because I still care about people and the way they feel; however, at the end of the day, the way I feel and my mental state of mind comes first.

Being sympathetic isn’t a bad thing, y’ know! Of course, there will be people disguising themselves as sympathetic people because it’s the right thing to try to understand where a person’s feelings and emotions are coming from. People vent to one another in hopes that the other person understands them and, if asked, suggest some advice to them!

Emotionally keeping your distance from people isn’t always a bad thing. Yeah, it sounds like it’s bad, but it doesn’t have to be. Keeping your distance when someone is expressing their feelings and emotions towards you allows you to see the situation through an unbiased lens. If you have a friend who’s telling you she slashed her ex-boyfriend’s tires after looking through his DMs, you gotta let her know that all that shit was unnecessary and now she has a bigger problem in her hands. You can understand why she did it, but it doesn’t mean that what she did was right. In another scenario, if you have a friend who opens up to you about domestic violence in their household, you still can have the distance away from the situation to be there for that friend. You can understand the pain she’s going through without allowing your feelings and emotions to get in the way of the situation.

So, whether you are an empathetic person or a sympathetic one, those are two good traits to have at least one of. You become a resource for the people in your life that might have no one else to discuss things with. You’re reliable, trustworthy, and kind enough to understand or feel what others are telling you in confidence. For years, I’ve been the person that my friends came to whenever they had hardships in their lives, and whether or not I’ve personally gone through similar situations (yeah, I’m talking about middle school Liz who gave out relationship advice with NO relationship experience), I’ve listened and helped out in the best way I could.

There isn’t no wrong or right way to be there for the people you care about, as long as you’re doing what’s right for you and for those who you care for. Empathy, sympathy, whatever works best for you, you are still being a helpful friend to others.

hand endnote