“One regular slice and one pepperoni slice,” I said at the counter of the pizza parlor, looking behind at their fridge of drinks. “Can I also get two cans of Coke as well?” It was quick getting the pizza slices for both Danny and I, and it was nice to have someone come back to our stomping grounds in the pizza parlor after all these years.
“Thanks, man,” Danny said as I handed out his regular slice. I guess growing up means you don’t swoon over the meat lover’s special slice anymore. “Man, I love Nicki, but she’s literally been scarier than all of the villains in a scary movie!”
“She’s 5 months pregnant, bro,” I reminded him. “She’s just now realizing that her body is carrying another human being.” I looked at Danny, who immediately got white in the face. “Plus, she’s Nicki. She sucks under stress.”
“I just wish I knew how to help her,” Danny said, seemingly genuinely worried. “When I see her in pain, it just makes me feel bad that I did that to her.”
“Bro, she was there when it happened,” I mentioned, hoping to make Danny feel better about the situation. “Don’t listen to her when she says she hates you for making her go through this. She is not going to mean it.”
“I still can’t wrap my head around the thought that Nic and I are about to be parents,” Danny admitted, pulling his hair back in a stressed way. “When did it hit you that you were gonna be a father?” Ever since they announced to me that they were expecting, Danny had these nonstop questions about the process and my experience with pregnancy, forgetting that my experience was completely different than his.
“I can’t say, to be honest,” I said, taking a bite out of my slice. “I couldn’t really act like I was going to be a dad at the age of 15.” Danny rolled his eyes, knowing he’s heard this explanation a thousand times in the last 5 months.
“But you had to feel like one at some point,” he argued back.
“Yeah, when Gwen passed away and was left being the one to discharge Milo out of the hospital,” I recalled. The day Milo was born was a chaotic one, and totally unexpected. In the span of 12 days, my whole world had turned upside down.
“I don’t mean to bring back bad memories,” Danny apologized.
“The birth of my only son isn’t a bad memory, it’s just an experience that can’t connect with yours. You’re married to Nicki. You guys live together in a nice house, planning a baby shower to celebrate the birth of your first child. Gwen and I didn’t have that.”
“But you still went through the motions of being a man getting ready to bring a child into the world—”
“I was a kid having a kid,” I corrected. “But I understand the feelings you are going through. They’ll always be there when you’re about to become a father.” Danny nodded at me, sharing an agreement to one another. There’s a slight pause before Danny finishes his canned soda; the hollow noise hitting the tabletop.
“So, when are you gonna have another kid?” Danny said bluntly. “My kid needs a friend.”
“Bro, what?” I laughed as I asked.
“Milo is getting older, dude; when are you gonna have another kid?”
“How the hell am I suppose to know?” I scoffed. “I don’t even have the time to clean my apartment, yet alone go out on a date with a woman.”
“You’re not dating anyone yet?” Danny asked as if it was the most shocking discovery in the conversation. “Are you still not over Marielle?” I felt my body tense up hearing the name of my ex girlfriend.
Marielle and I were students at the same college, and one of my electives as a junior was something she was taken towards her major. She was studying to be an actress and was pursuing this once-in-a-lifetime experience at Oxford, all the way in London. She told me late last summer that she got accepted into the program at Oxford, and was going to live in London for the next two years. Knowing that long-distance wouldn’t have worked for us, we both agreed to call it quits.
“I haven’t spoken to Mari since she left for London,” I emphasized. “Why try to date when a.) the women our age aren’t looking to be with a man with a kid already, and b.) eventually it’s not going to work out?” It was true; dating as a single father was strange, considering I’ve been a single dad since I was a sophomore in high school. Surely, women dated me later in high school and in college, but the elephant in the room was always my son knocking on my bedroom door when I had a woman over. Clearly, they never wanted a second date with me.
“So, that’s it? Mari leaves for London and Pep leaves for North Carolina with her fiancée—” My body tenses up to the sound of Pep’s name. Danny immediately stopped the thought and jumps on a new one. “Have you heard from Pep lately?”
“The last I heard was that her fiancée unfortunately passed away,” I said, recalling that conversation with Lydia one day. “Her mom told me, but I haven’t spoken to Jennifer—”
“Pep,” Danny corrected.
“I haven’t spoken to her since she left for North Carolina last summer,” I finished my sentence, dismissing Danny’s correction.
“I just don’t understand how best friends like you and Pep just have a huge falling out like that,” Danny questioned, finishing the last of his slice.
“You should know, you were there when it happened.” The last time Pep and I spoke was the night before she was leaving for North Carolina. She was moving closer to her fiancée’s family since he was dealing with a chronic illness. I was against her moving so far away from her family; she deemed it as jealousy for being able to move her life along while mine was forced to stay here because of my son. It was the last straw after breaking them in half to create more, but for the sake of Pep and me, we ended our friendship and communication there on that same night.
Before we got any deeper to the conversation, my phone rings on top of the table, noticing the number as the repairman. “Hello?… Yes, speaking… That’s great, thank you again.” I hung up the phone and began to get up from the booth. “Thank god they were able to fix my AC unit—”
“Dude,” Danny said as he put his hand on my shoulder. “It’s okay to let things go for the sake of your own future. Yeah, your whole world is your son, but don’t forget you’re allowed to include your own wants and needs into that world.”
At the time, I didn’t understand why Danny worded things like that. The more I analyzed this day out with him, the more I realized that him and Nic had something up their sleeves this entire time—
And I was the fool that fell for it.
Letters From Liz. 