Category: The “Something” Series: Season 3

I was glad to have had a day without having rehearsals. After the night I had, I don’t think my body was strong enough for an intense rehearsal before a show. I needed to rest my mind for the day; before I was able to do that, I needed to get in contact with my family back in America.

I walked out of the elevator in my building and turned the corner to go down the hallway. I was so happy to finally be back at the hotel. Of course, nothing I ever need comes easy and was faced with something else I needed to handle: Sahim.

I see Sahim sitting on the ground outside of my door. I slowly walk down the hall, closer to him. He looked up and quickly got off from the ground. He looked like he wasn’t happy.

“Sahim,” I said as I stopped in front of my door. “What are you doing here?”

“I’ve tried calling you this morning to check on you,” Sahim said, seemingly annoyed. “You weren’t answering so I tried to stop by your room and check on you instead.”

“I just had to clear my mind off of everything that happened yesterday,” I sighed as I said, then giving Sahim a faint smile. “I’m okay now. Just needed some fresh air or something.”

“Where’d you go?” Sahim asked.

“Just out,” I said, not knowing what else to say. “I woke up really early and just went for a walk.” Sahim looked at me, analyzing my clothes. I know he’s wondering why I’m wearing the same clothes from last night.

“How are you feeling though?” Sahim softly asked me, changing the subject. “I know yesterday we didn’t end the night on good terms; it’s one of the reasons why I wanted to come by and see you.”

“I know,” I began to say, playing with the string of Sahim’s pullover hoodie. “I’m sorry for how things went yesterday. I didn’t mean to get angry at you for something you had nothing to do with.”

“I should’ve gave you your space when you asked for it,” Sahim insisted, returning the faint smile back. “And we should’ve had our conversation when you were ready to have it.” I sighed, knowing exactly what conversation he was talking about.

“Regardless, it needed to be had,” I stated, looking directly at Sahim. “It wasn’t fair for me to keep something like this from you.” Sahim’s expression on his face doesn’t change, which makes me worried. What if we can’t get past this? What if I ruined yet another relationship thinking I was doing the right thing? “Do you want to grab some coffee or something?”

“Grace,” Sahim simply said as he sighed. “I don’t want you bottling up things to keep the peace.”

“I’m not,” I quickly said, a little annoyed. “I just want to get some coffee and get my day started. So do you want to come with me or not?”

“We really need to talk about things,” Sahim emphasized. I rolled my eyes, which made Sahim scrunch his eyebrows together. “We can’t just brush it off like things weren’t said.”

“What is there to talk about?” I questioned, crossing my arms along my chest. “What happened yesterday had nothing to do with you—“

“Besides the point that you said Jamie was your ex,” Sahim recalled. “Would you have been so nonchalant if the roles were reversed?”

“I wouldn’t have made it such a big deal after explaining to you the circumstances,” I spat out. “Shawn and Jamie are like family, snd Shawn is dating Skylar. It’s not weird if I bump into Jamie at gatherings because of that.”

“Then why didn’t you ever tell me?” Sahim asked. “If it wasn’t a big deal, why did you act like you and him didn’t know each other?”

“Because we would’ve had the same useless conversation we’re having now,” I answered, rolling my eyes. “Seriously Sahim, I have other things to worry about besides my ex-boyfriend. I have to worry about my family and what’s going on back home.”

“I get that and I respect that, but it’s not fair to backlog this just because it doesn’t matter to you. What if this matters to me?” I was getting annoyed with Sahim thinking I didn’t care about our relationship enough to talk things out.

“This does matter to me,” I began to say. “But I literally have to deal with my family first. We will talk later; I promise.” I smiled at Sahim to reassure him that I was being serious. I really did care about Sahim and wanted to work things out with him, but I couldn’t have this conversation with him right now. For fuck’s sake, not when I just got back from spending the night at Jamie’s.

“Okay,” he simply said, looking down at me. “How about we go out tonight? That hotpot place we’ve been meaning to try out?”

“I would love to,” I smiled as I said, kissing him on the cheek. “Meet me in the lobby by 7. I should be ready by then.” Sahim smiled and kissed my forehead before walking away from my door. As soon as he turned the corner of the hallway, I let out a deep breath and opened the door to my room.

I immediately threw my bag on my bed, sitting at the edge of it to make this phone call. I shut my eyes as I dialed my dad’s number. I didn’t know what was going to happen, but I needed to get this off of my chest.

“Grace?” I hear my dad’s voice answer the phone.

“Hi dad,” I greeted, feeling relieved as soon as I do. “How are things back home?”

“Everything’s good,” he answered. “We have Willow for the week while Max is away with his wife. Mom took her to the beach today as I got some work done on this case. They’re both pooped from today.”

“I’ll definitely have to video chat with her later this week,” I said, smiling at the thought. “Max told me that Willow’s new obsession are collecting seashells.”

“She brought her box of seashells with her to add more this week,” my dad laughed as he explained. “Luckily, your mom loves the beach. But how’s everything going with you? We haven’t heard from you in awhile.”

“Yeah,” I sighed as I answered. “With the production a little past the midway point, I’ve been tasked to work on a couple of numbers for the show.”

“Like choreographing?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I answered, smiling. “It’s been exciting. It’s making me excited to go back and teach at the academy.” I enjoyed being on stage each night and performing all these different numbers of the production, but I feel like my best work is when I’m creating the magic behind the scenes; putting together the story through movement and making sure that the dancer is efficiently telling that story. There are times I want to do nothing but go back to the academy and do just that, but a part of me knows I have to finish this production; not just for the sake of it all, but for myself. I can go back to the academy and start this new life once I finish this one.

“That’s great, Grace,” my dad said. I could tell he was smiling through the phone. “Are you making sure you take time to yourself? Eat? Exploring the country?”

“Yes, dad,” I said, adjusting my seat. “I’m actually going to this hotpot place for dinner tonight. I’m definitely doing some exploring while I’m here.” There was a moment where both of us was silent. “Dad, I–“

“I know,” he said, sighing as he did. “Uncle Mason called me. Skylar called him in a frenzy late at night.” I squeezed my eyes shut. Fuck. I should’ve called last night.

“So you weren’t going to tell me what was going on?” I asked, feeling annoyed. “You were just gonna leave me in the dark about Uncle Mason’s condition?”

“This isn’t something you need to be worrying about,” my dad began to explain.

“I still should’ve known what’s going on!” I said loudly, now getting angry. “God forbid if he’d just dropped dead while I was in Korea–“

“It wouldn’t get to that point, Grace,” my dad stated. “He’s doing okay for now. He’s in the right hands and he’s taking it easy but he’s doing okay.”

“It’s the fact that no one was going to tell me what’s going on back home until shit was too late,” I argued. “I have the right to know what’s going on back at home; for fuck’s sake, I’m still a part of the family–“

“Grace,” my dad interrupted. He sighed before he continued. “I’m sorry that we didn’t tell you. I know how much Uncle Mason means to you and you should’ve known what was going on despite being so far away. We just didn’t want to distract you or worry you; you already have so much on your plate over there.”

“I refuse to be left in the dark about my family, dad,” I emphasized once more.

“And you’re not going to be,” my dad responded back, now in a stern way. “I promise.” Nothing else was said after that; it was kind of hard to jump to another topic of discussion after having such a heavy one. “So, mom is already planning this huge welcome back party for when you get back.” I started to laugh; that sounds like my mother.

“Yeah?” I asked.

“She’s excited for you to get back,” my dad said. “That’s all she talks about.” The thought makes me smile. I’ve learned to move past my resentment toward my mother the older I get and the more I understand the decisions she made. In a way, I made the same decisions with the same logic she made when she was my age. I’ve learned to accept that her mistakes were hers to make, and they are not a reflection of the ones I made in my life. I see just how much she cherishes her family after thinking she lost it all those years ago. Because of her willing to get her family back, I was able to never lose mine.

“I’ll call you and mom during the week before Willow goes back to Max,” I smiled as I said.

“That sounds like a plan,” my dad said before letting out a sigh. “Well, let me get back to finishing this paperwork before I call it a night. You work later today?”

“I have off today,” I answered. “I’ll probably relax before our next round of rehearsals start this week.”

“Make sure to enjoy your time there, Grace.” my dad reminded me. “I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Bye, dad,” I said before hanging up the phone. I sighed, walking toward the window of my room to look out to the city. I really should do some exploring.

My mom was worried that I wouldn’t be back in time for my father’s birthday that specific year. It was like she knew that this was going to be the last one he would ever celebrate; maybe she had some sort of female intuition that none of us, including his children, had during this time. I was surrounded by piles of written document from the trail case I was working on in addition to the case study I was writing for my final project in law school. It was raining hard that particular night; it was the beginning of the seasons changing and in Korea, we would get tons of rain after the winter season covered our streets with snow. I had just finished listening to the voicemail my mom left me two days ago about my father’s birthday; she must have called while I was either in class or at the firm working on this trial case and just forgot to get back to it. These days, time is simply just a concept of passing empty space with no real grasp on it. I sighed, placing my phone down back on the desk.

Shortly after, the room of my dorm opened and in comes Shawn. He turns on the room light, which instantly makes my eyes hurt.

“Ya,” I said as I squinted my eyes. “Why would you turn on the light so abruptly like that?”

“Because the room was dark?” Shawn answered, looking at the mountains of paper on my desk and bed. “What is all of this?”

“My work,” I answered, looking back down at my documents. “I’m so close to finishing this case study and the trial case is coming to an end in a couple of days.”

“Then Kevin and I will finally have our friend back?” Shawn asked sarcastically. “We haven’t seen you all semester, Hyung.”

“This is my last semester in law school,” I looked up at Shawn. “Something that you and Kevin wouldn’t know anything about until you get there.”

“This trial case was something that you didn’t need to do,” Shawn expressed out. “You chose to be an intern for this firm while still doing your studies here.”

“If I do well on this case, I’m guaranteed a job once I graduate from here,” I tried to explain to Shawn. “You’re just going to graduate law school and then what? Mindlessly look for someone hiring lawyers?”

“I don’t know about you, but I’m actually focusing on graduating first,” Shawn scoffed, looking at the paperwork on my desk. I quickly covered it, looking up at him.

“Breach of confidentiality, Shawn,” I reminded him. “Basic rule of thumb, or haven’t you been studying for your classes?”

“Why are you even here this week?” Shawn asked without acknowledging my prior response. “Everyone went home to their families for the holiday.” Before I turned around and asked Shawn the same exact question, I quickly stop myself. I already know why Shawn is here, yet alone coming into my room unannounced. Shawn was never super close to his family, and half of that being is because his family lives hours away from the university and cannot afford to travel back and forth to visit. I don’t rub it in Shawn’s face despite him constantly rubbing things in mine; I know if it were up to him, he would have other plans to spend the holiday weekend with anyone he cares about. Most of the time, that time is in my dorm room.

“My trial case is in two days,” I explained, tidying up the papers on my desk. “I’m not going to have time to travel back and forth.”

“Yeah,” Shawn simply answered, not really sounding convincing. “Have you spoke to your family recently?”

“Yeah, I actually got to call my mom back,” I said, not thinking too much of it. “She’s been on my case about making it for my dad’s birthday.”

“How is he doing anyway?” Shawn quickly asked. I looked at him, not really wanting to answer any questions about him. “Is he doing any better?”

“Same as before,” I sighed as I answered, getting up from my desk. “My mom has been taking care of him since he refuses to get a nurse to take care of him.”

“I don’t blame him,” Shawn responded, sitting on the extra desk chair in my room. “He’s trying to be as normal as possible.”

“Yeah, I guess,” I said, dismissing the conversation. I know my father wasn’t doing so great, and my family tried to hide his worsening condition from me while being away in school. If I think about it for too long, the guilt eats me from the inside out, so I avoid thinking about it at all. I looked at my phone as I heard it vibrate on my desk. Shawn looked at it before getting up from the seat.

“I’ll leave you alone; that’s probably Seohyun calling to spend time with you this weekend,” Shawn said as he began to walk out my room. I nodded as he left. It wasn’t Seohyun; she had broken up with me two months ago after not being available for her as much as much as she needed me to. Shawn doesn’t know that; neither does Kevin. I knew it was my mom calling once again to make sure I didn’t forget about my dad’s birthday.

“Eomma,” I began to say as I answered the phone. “I swear I will make it for appa’s birthday this week; I just have to wrap up this work for school and–“

“Jaemin, it’s Lia,” my sister said over the phone. I looked at my phone screen, seeing it says my mom’s contact name. “Listen, you have to come back home.”

“Lia?” I asked, confused. “It’s everything alright? Where’s mom?”

“Jaemin,” Lia kept repeating my name. “You need to come home.”

“Lia, I will be home right after this case ends this week,” I said, gathering my papers together and putting them into my briefcase. “I’m almost done, I promise I will be home once I’m finished.” I heard the other line of my phone being called; looking at the screen, it was the law firm. “Look, I have to go, the firm is calling. Tell mom and dad I love them and I will be home soon.” I quickly hung up the phone and answered the call from the firm.

Two days later, the trial case came to an end. I had won the case for the person I was representing, which immediately secured my position at the law firm.

It was also the day my father died.

…

“Grace?” I said as I walked closer to the front of my building. She quickly got up from the steps, wiping off the dirt from her clothes.

“Hi,” she simply said. I looked at her, not really knowing what to say next. I didn’t expect Grace to show up to my apartment in Korea. I didn’t expect to see Grace again, ever.

“How did you–” I began to ask her, but quickly stopped once she began talking again.

“Your letters,” she answered as she fidgeted with her zipper on her hoodie. “Your address was on the letters you sent to me…” I almost forgot about the letters I had sent her all those years ago when we first met. She kept those letters? I simply nodded, not saying much after. I walked to the door to unlock it. I looked back to Grace, holding the door open.

“It’s getting late, you should come in,” I said. Grace would’ve normally fought with me, trying to convince me she was good on her own and that she would find her own way back home. Surprisingly, she listened this time. She walked into my apartment, passing me as I closed the door behind us.

As I took off my shoes near the door, Grace looked around the living room of my apartment.

“You have a nice place,” she commented, looking at the decor on the walls.

“Thanks,” I said, finally walking into the living room, standing there as I watched Grace walk around. “Do you want a cup of coffee, or something to eat?”

“I’m fine,” Grace answered, still looking at the pictures on my wall. She focuses on one in the middle of the wall. “Is that your nephew?” she asked as she pointed at the picture. I walked over to her, realizing what picture she was asking about.

“That’s… me,” I answered. “That’s me and that’s my father,” I pointed at the man in the picture next to me. Grace turned around, seeming embarrassed. She walked away from me; I don’t blame her as we were standing too close to each other.

“I’m sorry if I’m here unannounced,” Grace began to say. “I just…” She sighed before looking at me again. “I just didn’t have anywhere else to go.” I understood where she was coming from. I was once the lost and confused foreigner in a country I had knew nothing about. Sure, you learn about the restaurants and the shows you go to during the day, but where do you possibly go when everything and everyone is fast asleep as your mind continues to race?

“It’s fine,” I reassured her. “If anything, you’re better off being here than in some random convenience store in town.” I gestured her to sit down and make herself comfortable. She finally sat down on the couch. Nothing much was said after that.

I was always afraid talking to Grace when she’s clearly not in the greatest head space. Sometimes, it seems like Grace was always in this detrimental space, and everything in the outside world made it worse times two. I knew Grace was a complicated person with a complicated past, but how long do you hold that over someone’s head? How long do you continue to look at a person as this fragile being that you needed to be cautious about? It was clear that her family did not want to break the news about her uncle becoming ill while she was in Korea. It was clear that she didn’t know much about what was going on back in America besides the things they wanted her to know. They didn’t want anything coming in her way while she was doing the production here, just how my family didn’t want anything to hinder me from completing law school, even if that meant losing my father along the way.

“Thanks, I just need to get away from my room and Sky and just everything that was going on,” Grace said out loud, more to the air than to me. This is what Grace does: talk out loud to make everything racing in her mind make sense.

“Are you okay?” I finally asked her. She looked at me before sinking into the couch, looking up at the ceiling.

“I tried calling my dad, but he didn’t pick up,” she began to say. “Then I realized that he’s probably at work and busy–“

“But also it’s late here, so he’s going to suspect something is wrong with you,” I added. Grace looks at me. “My mother couldn’t stop calling me when she realized I called her at, like, 2 in the morning back in America. Thought I was in jail or something drastic like that.” Grace faintly laughed, shaking her head as she sat back up in her seat. Her laugh. She quickly sighed afterward.

“Sorry for how I reacted back at the hotel,” Grace said. “A part of me feels like I’m being over-dramatic like it was my own father going through this. Sahim was trying to calm me down and remind me that it wasn’t my own father going through this–“

“But it’s still your family,” I interrupted, not agreeing what Sahim made her believe. “Sure, it’s not your dad, but it’s still someone you love and care for; anyone in your shoes would’ve reacted the way you did.”

“I guess,” Grace said as she nervously rubbed her hands on her legs. “Again, I won’t be here long; I just needed a space to get my head together and–“

“Grace, it’s fine,” I continued to reassure her. “And if you need to vent, I’m here to listen if you want.” It was like everything Grace and I fought about within the last year didn’t matter anymore. Sure, we had tons of baggage that needed to be aired out and sorted out if we ever wanted to move forward with our lives, but tonight wasn’t that night. Tonight was about being a person that Grace could depend on as she worked out some of that baggage on her own.

“Don’t you have work in the morning or something?” Grace asked. I smiled thinking it was sweet of Grace to still think about others in a time like this.

“Don’t worry about me,” I simply said. “Just worry about getting some rest tonight.” I got up from the couch to grab some extra pillows and a blanket from the closet.

“I should get going then,” Grace began to get up from her seat, in which I immediately interrupted her train of thought.

“It’s late and you’re not getting in a cab at this hour,” I said in a stern voice. “I will drive you back to your hotel in the morning; as of tonight, you can crash here.”

“Jamie, I–”

“Ya,” I scolded in Korean. “I said what I said.” To my surprise, Grace didn’t fight as much as I thought she would; it’s either she finally is listening to me or she is just beyond exhausted to fight with me. Either way, she sits back down on the couch.

“Fine,” Grace said. “But we’re out of here first thing in the morning; I don’t need Sahim thinking I went AWOL or something.” I nodded, not wanting to say anything after that. “Thanks again, Jamie.”

“Of course,” I said, placing the pillows and blankets on the couch. “I’ll grab you something to sleep in.”

“I’ll just sleep in this,” Grace said as she looked down at her dress and hoodie. She looked back up at me and I guess my face said it all already. She rolled her eyes at me. “Fine.”

I smiled as I started to head upstairs to grab Grace that change of clothing.

Sahim slowly opened the door to my hotel room and turned on the light. I slowly walked in, dropping my purse to the ground next to the door. I was exhausted from tonight’s events; all I wanted to do was just crawl under the covers and hide from the world.

“Grace,” Sahim softly called my name. I turned around to look at him before siting at the edge of my bed, yanking the heels off from my feet. “You should get some rest.”

“I can’t,” I said with a hoarse voice. “I have to call my dad…”

“That could wait until tomorrow,” Sahim insisted.

“No,” I firmly said. “It’s about 11 o’clock in the morning in America and I need to speak to my father now.”

“What you need to do is rest,” Sahim sternly responded back. “You need to have a clear mind to go into this type of conversation, and you’re clearly moving from emotion and–“

“No, Sahim; it can’t wait!” I yelled at this point. This was the first time I ever truly yelled at Sahim like this. I felt guilty; I know he just wanted to make me feel better and be there for me. But this is who I truly am: just somebody that needs to be left alone for her own well-being.

“Grace,” Sahim grounded himself, trying to help me focus. I didn’t want to; it was far too late to try to think rationally about this situation. “What good is it going to be to make a panicked call to your family across the country when you can’t even regulate your emotions in front of me?” Regulate?

“Because, I am tired of this shit!” I shouted even louder, not caring if anyone could hear me on our floor. “Do you know how it feels to be so far away from your family, but not just your family but from your own daughter, wanting nothing more than to be with her and hold her and let everything I’ve been worried about just erase away for a moment? This was her first birthday that I missed since she was born! I missed her first day of school, her first day on the school bus on her own going to school for a full day! Her firsts in everything this past year because I am across the country trying to fulfill this want and need and to just discover myself in a new country and leave my past in the past and yet here I am with the past and everything consistently reminding me of it!”

The room went silent. The city traffic was the only audible thing in our vicinity. I looked at Sahim as he looked at me trying to digest everything that just came out of my mouth. It was all true. It was all bottled up in me.

“Why are you running from your past?” Sahim asked softly. “How is your past here with you if this is your first time being in Korea?”

“My past follows me everywhere, Sahim,” I answered, defeat in my voice. “And I should’ve known that coming here would be the same way.” Sahim sat on the bed next to me, looking at me as I looked toward the ground.

“Grace,” Sahim gently said; his voice husky. “You can’t keep living in the past; it’s going to do nothing but eat you alive. You are here because you are meant to be here–“

“But at what cost?” I interrupted, questioning him. “My own family can’t even contact me to let me know what’s going on back in America, isolating me even more than I already was when it came to my family.”

“You also have to be able to contact them when you feel this way, though,” Sahim pointed out. I couldn’t help but look at him. It felt like he couldn’t understand what I was saying or where I was coming from. I couldn’t blame him entirely; he doesn’t know the full story. I shook my head, getting up from the bed and sighed.

“I shouldn’t have done this,” I said, looking around the hotel room.

“Done what?” Sahim asked.

“This!” I shouted. “I should’ve stayed in New York and lived on with my day as some lawyer that spent their free time in some stupid cafe with my daughter on the weekends and avoided coming to the one place I should’ve avoided–“

“Why would you avoid–” Before Sahim can even finish the sentence, I finally blurted it out. I yelled it so loud, the echo of my voice ringed in my ears.

“Because my fuckin’ ex lives here, that’s why!” I admitted, feeling angry more than relieved. “Everything was perfectly fine until it wasn’t, obviously.” Sahim scrunched his eyebrows together, seeming a bit upset about the secret I’ve hid from him.

“Have you’ve seen your ex since we’ve been…” Sahim tried to finish his sentence although he really wasn’t looking for an answer to it. “Since we’ve started dating?” I don’t answer right away. I was tired of lying to Sahim, and I was tired of hiding things from him at this point. What more can I lose at this point?

“Yes,” I answered, nonchalant. “I have.”

“So, you weren’t going to tell me you were secretly meeting up with your ex?” Sahim crossed his arms, now annoyed. “While already being in a relationship?”

“It’s kind of hard to avoid your ex when his best friend is your cousin’s boyfriend,” I spat back, feeling defensive. “Ask before you assume, Sahim.”

“It’s kind of hard to fully trust in your girlfriend when she tells her boyfriend months later that her ex lives in the one country she’s doing a production in,” Sahim snapped back. “I guess it makes sense now; you regretting coming here for work. Did you just come to win him back or something crazy like that?”

“Crazy?” I repeated, growing more angry at Sahim. “You of all people should know how much this production means to me. I left my daughter in America for this–“

“Yeah, you keep mentioning that,” Sahim responded. “But again, failed to mention that you’ve been in contact with your ex since being here!”

“For fuck’s sake, Sahim; Jamie is my goddamn ex!” I finally admitted out loud. “Jamie, you know, the guy that Shawn literally calls for everything when there’s trouble! You know, the guy that is dating my cousin, who literally calls me for everything when there’s trouble! It’s out of my power that he’s still in my life; it’s unavoidable at this point if I want to be in my cousin’s life!” Sahim clearly is now thinking before he says anything else; I can see he is trying to find the right words to say in this moment.

“Jamie?” Sahim asked.

“Yes,” I faintly said. “Jamie.”

…

“Jaemin,” I hear Haram call my name as soon as I get into the driver’s seat. The parking lot is dark, and all I wanted was to drive Haram back to her place in utter silence. I knew it wasn’t going to happen. “Jaemin–“

“Aigoo,” I whined. “Haram please; I have such a massive headache.”

“Jaemin, I have a bad feeling about that American girl,” she admitted, looking out the passenger’s window. “The way she talks to Shawn is so unlady-like. Maybe the universe is telling him he shouldn’t marry her.”

“Haram, you don’t know them,” I tried to explain. “Shawn and Skylar are not your conventional couple.”

“Yeah, I know; she’s American,” Haram emphasized. “The way she behaved in front of everyone did not make her look good. She seems like one of those women who only date Asian men to say they dated Asian men. No consideration to their culture whatsoever–“

“Ya,” I said, growing annoyed at Haram’s attitude. “You talking about another woman behind her back after witnessing her distraught does not make you look good.”

“I’m speaking from what I witnessed,” Haram argued. “It just doesn’t seem like they are even compatible, yet alone get married–” Once I got to a red light, I stopped the car abruptly, jolting Haram and I forward in our seats.

“Let me say this one more time: you do not know them well enough to make any type of assumptions like that,” I stated, looking back at the road and started to drive again. “I’ve known Shawn forever now as he was my own brother. Skylar is the first woman he’s been serious about because she is the type of woman he needs to balance him out.”

“Why are you defending her more than Shawn was back at his hotel?” Haram questioned, annoyed now. “What’s so special about Skylar that you are choosing to excuse such poor behavior? Would you have excused that behavior if I did it in front of your closest friend and his girlfriend?”

“You’re not Skylar; her etiquette is different than ours,” I deadpanned, trying to get off this conversation already. “Look, let them work things out regarding their relationship and they’ll be fine–“

“Until the next time he’s running to you for help with his relationship,” Haram rolled her eyes as she said. “You won’t ever be able get out of this vicious cycle if you don’t set a boundary with him. You are not their relationship therapist, Jaemin.”

“Shawn is my friend, Haram. Wouldn’t you go and help your friends when they are in need?” I questioned as I drove.

“My friends don’t need my constant reassurance that their relationships are actually working out,” Haram spat out, shaking her head. “My friends know I have a life outside of them.”

“Well, that makes us different,” I dismissed, wanting to drop the entire conversation already. Haram turned around in her seat; her body now facing me.

“I am just voicing my opinion on a situation that you dragged me into tonight,” she pointed out. “You don’t need to be so defensive over your friend’s girlfriend.”

“You don’t even know what you’re talking about; that’s my main issue,” I raised my voice, needing her to understand where I was coming from. “You don’t know Skylar to be making those assumptions, as I told you, like, 10 minutes ago–“

“How did they even meet?” Haram asked. Her question caught me off-guard.

“Huh?” I said, not really knowing what else to say.

“Did you introduce Skylar to Shawn or something? You’re defending her as if she was once your girlfriend or something–” I immediately stopped the car on the side of the road, turning on the light in the car to finally face Haram.

“What is your problem tonight?” I argued. “You’ve done nothing but talked badly about the people I chose to introduce you to. It means I care about you enough to introduce to people that mean a lot to me.”

“Answer my question, Jaemin,” Haram demanded. “How does a native Korean man just know some random, American girl without some sort of a connection?”

“Does it make any difference?” I said even louder. All I wanted was for Haram to let this go and to stop asking all of these questions. No, I do not want to continue having this conversation about somethin I am constantly battling internally with.

“She was your girlfriend, wasn’t she?” Haram scoffed and turned her body away from me, facing the window. “That’s unbelievable, how you would just allow your ex-girlfriend to fall in love with another man, but I guess–

“Ya!” I shouted, now fuming. “Skylar isn’t my ex-girlfriend, Grace is!” I looked at Haram, who is now looking back at me.

“Grace? Who–” Haram asked before realizing who I was talking about. “The redheaded woman that was with us at the hotel room?”

“Yeah,” I said, “Skylar’s cousin.”

…

I finally get back to my house after dropping Haram off at her apartment. She didn’t say anything to me once I told her about Grace. She simply looked out the window and didn’t even bother looking at me for the rest of the car ride. I dropped her off in front of her apartment building, and told her I would call her. She slammed the door, walking straight to her apartment, never looking back at me.

I parked my car on the street and got out from the driver’s side; I wanted nothing more than to just go straight into my house and collapse into my bed. I didn’t. I froze in place as soon as I got to my front steps.

“Grace?” I said, looking at her sit on the steps. She looks at me and gets up, brushing off the dirt from her clothes.

“Hi.” She said.

Aigoo, Shawn. I tried my hardest not to speed down these roads, but I was so anxious in what I was going to walk into when I got to Shawn.

“Oppa,” I hear Haram say. “Slow down a bit, please?” I let out a deep breath and began to slow the car down. I didn’t need for her to get hurt in the process of my utter panic.

“I’m sorry,” I said to Haram at a red light. “Shawn was in Seoul not too long ago, so I don’t understand why he’s back here now.”

“I’m sure he is fine,” Haram reassured. “Maybe he needs a favor from you or something.” Yeah, and God knows what the fuck is happening.

“He was in Seoul with his girlfriend to meet his family,” I began to explain. “Aigoo, what if he tried to propose to her and she said no?”

“Why would she say no?” Haram asked. “I’m sure that her family and his family are willing to come together for a beautiful ceremony here–“

“Haram, she’s a foreigner,” I added, briefly looking over to her before looking at the road. Haram didn’t seem phased at my comment.

“Foreigners marry Koreans all the time,” Haram added. “One of my coworkers married a Japanese man and were able to work all the details out–“

“No, you’re not understanding what I’m telling you,” I interrupted her, looking toward the road as the light turned green. I was growing annoyed now. “She’s from America.” Haram doesn’t say anything back; she knows exactly where I was going with this.

“Well that’s a pretty valid reason for her to say no to a marriage proposal,” Haram commented, looking out the window. “It’s not like she can move her entire life in a foreign country like Korea and I doubt Shawn would want to move so far away from his family.” I couldn’t be upset over Haram’s logic; she had never been in the shoes of someone that loved a person from a foreign country with a completely different culture. I didn’t want to have her thinking she did or said anything wrong, considering that she has no idea that I knew what it felt like to be in Shawn’s shoes.

…

We finally got to the hotel that Shawn sent us the address to; I quickly got out of the car as soon as I parked it. Haram followed behind me.

“Ya, what room and floor are you on?” I asked Shawn over the phone, power-walking into the hotel. Haram and I walk inside and straight to the elevator, pressing the number floor Shawn told me. I hung up to phone once the elevator started to move. Haram looked at me, trying to calm me down.

“Jaemin, it’s going to be fine,” she started to say. “Shawn would rathe have his friend be more level-headed since he’s going through something.” I took a deep breath, releasing all of the nerves stored in my body. Once we reached the right floor, we walked down the long hallway towards Shawn’s hotel door, knocking on it.

“Ya,” I said, growing anxious the more time passes. “It’s Jamie, Shawn.” The door opens and there stands Shawn. His face is red and his eyes are puffy. “Shawn?”

“Hyung,” Shawn whimpered before collapsing on my chest, crying his eyes out. “It’s over.”

“What?” I asked, moving this conversation into the hotel room. “What’s over?”

“My relationship with Skylar,” he said out loud. “She said no to my marriage proposal in front of my family.” I sighed, feeling hurt for Shawn. I looked over at Haram who stood behind me, watching everything happening.

“Can you get me a bottle of water for Shawn, please?” Haram nodded and walked towards the kitchen area. I looked back at Shawn as I started to hand him some tissues. “What happened?” I asked Shawn.

“Everything was going great,” Shawn began to explain. “My family was getting along with Skylar and I thought it was the perfect time to finally pop the question.”

“Shawn,” I began to say, knowing that this was a bad idea to begin with.

“I finally popped the question and she looked at me horrified,” Shawn sobbed as he spoke. “She ran to the bathroom and just,” Shawn couldn’t finish his sentence without crying after each sentence. Haram came back with the water and handed it over to me. I thanked her before giving it to Shawn.

“Where is she now?” I asked.

“She went out,” Shawn answered. “She said she needed to clear her head but that was like four hours ago.”

“You let her go out by herself?” I questioned. “Shawn, we aren’t in America; where the hell would she go for so long?”

“I don’t know!” Shawn shouted. “Who knows if she went to the airport and flew back home? This is Skylar we’re talking about!”

“If she’s still staying with you, she wouldn’t leave without you,” I said, trying to reassure Shawn. I don’t know Skylar that well to know what is going through her mind, but what I do know is that she’s smart and she wouldn’t leave a foreign country by herself. “Maybe she just needed to clear her mind. She’ll be back–“

Before I could finish, the front door opened and Skylar walks in. She’s not alone, but I wasn’t expecting her to be with her cousin. Not tonight. Not right now. Skylar looks at Shawn; frozen in place. I look at Grace, standing behind her boyfriend, Sahim.

“Of course you called him,” Skylar spat out at Shawn. Shawn wiped his eyes, now angry at the situation.

“Of course you called Grace!” Shawn shouted at Skylar. I immediately stepped in between the two, especially to calm Shawn down. I’m assuming Grace was doing the same with Skylar since we briefly bumped into each other.

“Sky, relax,” I hear Grace tell her cousin. I turn around and look at Shawn.

“Ya,” I looked at Shawn as I said. “You have to calm down.”

“Now the whole fucking town of Changwon-si knows about us,” Shawn growled, looking at Skylar the entire time. I tried to block his view from her as best as I could; all I needed from Shawn was to focus and not be driven toward emotion in this moment.

“Now the whole city of Seoul knows that you proposed and I said no!” Skylar spat out over Grace’s shoulder as she tried to keep Skylar away from Shawn.

“All you had to do was say yes and we wouldn’t be having this discussion right now!” Shawn responded as I continued to hold him back. For one brief moment, my back touched Grace’s as I tried to keep Shawn away from Skylar. I immediately felt her jump in place when I did. I turned around the apologize to her, but she quickly responded before I did.

“Watch it,” Grace said in a low voice. I didn’t say anything back to her. As soon as Grace and I looked at each other, both Shawn and Skylar were out of our vision. They began to argue in the middle of the hotel room and now everyone got involved in separating the two once and for all. Haram came up to me to help with Shawn as Sahim went to go help Grace. At this point, everyone was talking on top of each other. Skylar was the one to shut everyone up.

“That’s enough!” Skylar shouted at the top of her lungs. Everyone went quiet, including Shawn. He wasn’t happy, but he obeyed his girlfriend. Skylar looked at Haram first. “I am so sorry; I don’t even know who you are and here I am just yelling at him,” Skylar cocked her head toward Shawn. I held Shawn to the chair once I felt him about to get up from his seat. “I’m Skylar, Shawn’s girlfriend–“

“You should–” Shawn spat out. I immediately slapped his shoulder to shut him up. If he wanted to eventually marry Skylar, he needed to learn how to shut up.

“I’m Haram; Jaemin’s girlfriend,” Haram bowed as she introduced herself. Aigoo. I quickly looked at Grace but her back was facing me as she looked at Sahim.

“You would call Jamie when he’s with his girlfriend, Shawn?” Skylar pointed out to Shawn. Her face was red; I’m assuming she was embarrassed for behaving this ay in front of someone she did not know.

“You called Grace when she was out with her boyfriend!” Shawn spat out, attempting to get out of his chair once again. Sahim finally walks forward to speak as if him contributing to anything will change the outcome.

“Let’s get the story before we start making assumptions,” he said, looking at Skylar. “Skylar, you go first.”

“Shawn and I were in Seoul to see his family. This is the first time I ever actually got to meet them in person, so of course I was nervous. Everyone is eating a lovely dinner that his mother cooked and put together and everything was going completely fine until he had to dig into his pocket and put me on the spot and asked me to marry him!”

“You could’ve told me in a more discreet way!” Shawn commented. “Instead, you ran out of the living room and locked yourself in the bathroom!”

“Where else was I suppose to go? I am in the middle of a country that I have no access around!”

“Alright, alright,” Grace finally intervened, stepping in between Skylar and Shawn. I did the same, worried that the two of them would step over her. She is the smallest person in this room. She turns her head toward Shawn. “Did you plan on proposing when you came out here?”

“I’ve been planning to propose to Skylar for months,” Shawn admitted. “I wanted to do it away from all the chaos that was happening in California.”

“Chaos?” Grace questioned, looking at Skylar. She doesn’t say anything.

“I would’ve thought you told your own cousin about your dad,” Shawn pointed out.

“What’s wrong with Uncle Mason?” Grace asked Skylar. Again, Skylar doesn’t say anything. “Sky?”

“Nothing, Grace,” Skylar answered, annoyed. She looked over at Shawn. “You feeling sorry for me doesn’t give you the right to randomly ask me to marry you.”

“Randomly?” Shawn asked, annoyed.

“We did not discuss marriage in our future, Shawn!” Skylar pointed out.

“Something like doesn’t get discussed! People who love and care for each other and see each other in their futures get married!”

“I think what Skylar is trying to say,” Haram intervened. I quickly looked at Haram, hoping she was able to read the room. She wasn’t able to. “Is that for her, she would’ve rather something like this be done when both of you are ready.” Shawn looked at Haram before turning his head to me.

“Hyung,” Shawn simply said. I turned to Haram, gently pushing her away.

“Haram, this isn’t the time–“

“I think Haram is right,” I hear Sahim add to the conversation. I turned around, annoyed that he’s even here putting any input on a situation he knows nothing about. “Skylar was probably going through a lot and couldn’t respond in the way she wanted to–“

“Shawn is known to be… spontaneous with the things he cares about,” I added, not really knowing where I was taking this.

“With all due respect, I don’t care how either one of you guys feel,” Grace said, walking in between Skylar and Shawn and slightly nudging me away from the standing space. She turned around to Skylar. “You called me on my date with Sahim to be a comfort for you when you’ve been hiding something from me this whole time?”

“I haven’t hid anything from you,” Skylar corrected. “This isn’t any of your business to begin with–“

“If it involves my family, it does!” Grace shouted, not allowing anyone speak about the proposal anymore. “How could you share something about my family to Shawn, but not me? Is it because I’m not in America or something?”

“Grace, just drop it,” Skylar now raised her voice, getting angry at Grace. I didn’t want this to get anymore out of hand, especially if this is the place that Shawn and Skylar are staying.

“Grace,” I tried to move back to where I was once standing, to be in charge of the conversation so that a resolution could be made. I forgot how combative this girl can be.

“Don’t fucking touch me, Jamie!” Grace spat out, yanking her arm away from me. “Skylar, what the fuck is going on–“

“My dad is dying, for fuck’s sake, Grace!” Skylar finally admitted. “He got screened for cancer and guess what fucking came up? Cancer!” Grace doesn’t say anything back. Skylar looks at Grace with tears forming in her eyes. “There! Are you fucking happy?”

“I–” Grace’s voice was hoarse. She grabbed her purse from the bed and starts to walk out of the room. “I have to call my dad–“

“Grace,” I said, quickly looking at Sahim. He also called out for her as well. Grace opened the door and walked out, and of course Sahim followed behind her. I couldn’t do anything about it. I couldn’t comfort her. I couldn’t be the one to drive her back to her place and help her with anything she needed at this time. Sahim was the one that needed to do that. I just need to be there for Shawn right now.

“Shawn,” I began to say, looking down at him. “You have to talk to Skylar with a straight head on your shoulders.”

“But hyung, I–“

“Ya,” I shouted, not wanting to hear another excuse come out of his mouth. “You need to talk to Skylar. You need to sit down with her and talk to her, not at her. She is human, Shawn.” Shawn doesn’t look at me this time; his face is looking down at the floor now. I turned around and see Skylar standing there with her arms crossed. “I apologize on Grace’s behalf.”

“You didn’t do anything,” Skylar said.

“Grace is going to be the last to know about a lot of things because she’s so far away from home. No one is going to call her. No one is going to message her about any bad things happening back in America. No one wants her to worry while she’s here. Grace needs you as much as you need her.” She wipes the tears off from her face, still trying to keep a strong face on. I look at Shawn once more before I let out a deep sigh. “Both of you; try not to kill each other tonight.” I started to walk out of the hotel room, dragging my feet along the carpet with exhaustion in my body. I can hear Haram follow me before she says something out loud.

“It was nice meeting you, Skylar,” Haram said. Again, read the room. Skylar doesn’t say anything back to her.

…

I walked out of the hotel front doors, racing to get back to the car. Haram follows me, trying to keep up with y walking pace.

“Jaemin, hold up,” I hear Haram’s voice and footsteps running toward me. She looks at me. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, Harm; just exhausted,” I said, finally getting to our car. Before I enter the driver’s side, I notice another couple near a car on the opposite side of the parking lot. I know it’s Grace. The taller person hugs the smaller one and kisses her forehead for comfort. Suckerpunch, right in the gut.

“Jaemin?” Haram called out for me from the passenger’s side. I shake off the feeling and I’m back to reality. I looked at Haram and immediately opened her side of the car. I finally entered the driver’s side to leave.

Something told me that once I finally let someone in my life love me again, it would all eventually go downhill. It wasn’t because the person will eventually get sick of me and stop loving me, but my life was incapable of allowing another person to love me. I figured this out on my first official date with Sahim one night.

I ran back to my room after practice one night, stripping everything off my body and getting into the shower. I didn’t have much time to think about what I was going to wear or do with my hair, but knowing Sahim he wouldn’t care so much about that. I couldn’t lie to myself and say I wasn’t nervous; sure, Sahim and I have spent a lot of time together as if they were dates, but this was the first one that we went on where we were now officially dating. Since telling Aimee, she has called me non-stop, wanting details of what our first date was going to be.

“Girl, we’re just going to some karaoke bar downtown,” I said over the phone as I looked in the mirror. “This is the most simple first official date I’ve had at this point.”

“But that’s the thing,” Aimee began to say. “This is your first date with Sahim as his girlfriend.” I felt my face get hot hearing Aimee say it; I haven’t even said it out loud to myself.

“It’s going to be fine,” I tell myself more than Aimee. It’s just Sahim, your co-worker-turned-lover-boyfriend… “I’m more worried about him hearing how I sound singing karaoke than being on a date with him.”

“Oh he’ll tune you out,” Aimee teased before laughing. “Seriously though, go out and have fun. You’ve had a lot on your plate ever since Sonia gave you this side-project for the production. Aimee wasn’t wrong; I feel like I haven’t had the time to actually enjoy my free time since taking on these dance projects. Not only did I have to choreograph a completely new section of the production, but Sonia wanted me to actually come up with a solo routine for the closing portion of the show as well. I didn’t have much time left in Korea; the production has exactly 20 more weeks left before it’s over. It sounds like a while from now, but to think that we’ve already been here for the production for nearly 6 months now is mind-blowing.

“I know,” I said as I began to do my hair. I didn’t have time to straighten it, so a updo was going to have to do the trick for this date. “I’m excited though. It should be fun tonight.”

…

Sahim and I went to this karaoke place in downtown Changwon that Summer had suggested. Although surrounded by other brightly-lit stores, it was located on a street that wasn’t as busy with tourists. Sahim opened the front door for me as we both entered the place.

We walked into one of the karaoke rooms fill of blinking LED lights accompanied by two microphones and a TV up on the wall.

“This is a cute little spot,” Sahim said as he looked around the room. I looked back at him, in awe just how excited he gets for the most simple things.

“Summer told me about this place; I figured it would be a cute first-“

“Date?” Sahim smiled as he looked back at me. I felt my face getting hot once again. He grabbed my waist to bring he closer to him.

“Sahim, this isn’t America,” I began to say. “We’ll get banned if they found us in the room this close.” Sahim couldn’t help but laugh. “But to answer your question; yes.” I walked over towards the big book of karaoke songs on the table next to the microphones. Sahim takes ne of the microphones and stands in front of the TV.

“Alright, Tiny Dancer, pick a song for me to butcher the hell out of,” Sahim said, confidently. I laughed, skimming through the pages of the book. I come across Dreams by Fleetwood Mac and suddenly feel my stomach drop to the floor. The thing about music is that because it was so universal, it always has enough weight to carry memories and past versions of yourself. I quickly flipped the page, erasing the memories, ignoring all of my past selves. I take the remote and type in the number of the song I picked. New memories. New selves.

Sahim looked at the blank screen before it came back on with the background of Elton John sitting at a piano at one of his concerts. Sahim laughed out loud, not believing I would chose this song for him to sing.

“Tiny Dancer? Really?” Sahim asked as he laughed.

“Come on, lets go!” I said to Sahim, pointing at the screen as the words started to appear. He begins to poorly sing the song, which makes it even cuter to watch him. He misses a couple of words here and there, trying to catch the beat when he does. I didn’t realize that someone can do so poorly at karaoke. The song finally ends and the score appears on the screen: a 70%. Sahim turns around in disbelief as I cover my mouth.

“Not this karaoke grading you like it’s an exam,” Sahim said as he pointed towards the TV. I couldn’t help but finally laugh.

“This one is pretty brutal,” I agreed. “They take their karaoke singing seriously.” Sahim puts the microphone on the table and sits next to me on the sofa.

“Well,” Sahim began to say before snatching the book from my lap. “It’s now your turn.” He kisses me quickly on the cheek before skimming through the book. I sighed, grabbing a microphone from the table and standing up. Sahim looked up at me for a brief moment before he started to laugh.

“What are you laughing at?” I asked Sahim, crossing my arms along my chest.

“You’re standing there as if this is a chore, babe,” Sahim said as he flipped through the book. “Let me remind you that this was your idea.”

“What else were we supposed to do for a first date as a couple, yet alone in a foreign country? Sit around our hotel room and eat expensive room service all night?” I playfully argued.

“Don’t worry, baby,” Sahim teased. “We’ll eventually get to that type of date.” He points the remote at the screen and chose the song I’ll be singing to. I turned around and looked at the screen. To my surprise, it’s a Kpop song.

“Sahim!” I turned around as he laughed. “I can’t sing Korean! This is unfair!” I walked over to Sahim to grab the remote from him. Because of his height, he was able to keep the remote from me in a good arm’s distance. I fall over onto him sitting on the couch as the instrumental plays on the TV. I looked at Sahim as he looked at me. I kissed him hard, using my hand to tussle his hair in between my fingertips. He smiled so good today. His smile was so white, the black light in the room made them standing out more every time he smiled. He accepted the kiss, grabbing my waist with his free hand. Kissing Sahim wasn’t anything new; we’ve done so plenty of times in our uncertain phase of this. Kissing Sahim as a couple though… whoa. I nearly forgot how we even got to this place.

I quickly got a hold of the remote in Sahim’s hand, and quickly got up once I did. Sahim, laying back on the sofa, looked surprised.

“Got it!” I said, dancing around as I teased Sahim. He sat up, still looking in disbelief.

“A distraction; a classic move,” Sahim nodded his head as he said. “You got me there, babe.” It was sweet to hear Sahim call me ‘babe’ or ‘baby’ as soon as we became a couple. It rolled so naturally off his tongue; it was like he was always suppose to say it to me.

“Thank you, thank you,” I take a celebratory bow. I turned around nd chose the song I wanted to sing. “You get to hear how a professional karaoke singer does it.” As I turn back toward the TV, I took a deep breath before the words started to appear on the screen. I began to sing the words, softly as the song was meant to be sung slow. I know I don’ have the musical ability like my parents did, but it made these types of experiences a lot less stressful. I began to sway side-to-side in place, singing the words as the LED lights spun around the room. Shortly after, I feel Sahim wrap his arms around me, swaying to the beat with me. It made me feel warm inside for the first time in a really long time. In this moment, I feel at ease, as if I’m finally allowing myself to live in the moment.

Of course, it doesn’t last long once I hear my cellphone ringing on top of the table nonstop.

I finally turned around with Sahim and see Skylar’s name pop up on my screen. Once it stops ringing, I notice just how many times she tried calling me. She called one more time before I finally picked up the phone.

“Sky?” I answered, wondering what was going on. “Whoa, whoa, whoa; you have to slow down; what happened?” I looked at Sahim looking at me, also wondering what the hell was going on. “Okay, okay; I’ll come to you, gimme 20 minutes.” I hung up the phone and took a deep breath. “Of course something always has to happen…”

“Hey?” Sahim softly said, trying to get me to focus. I looked up at him, feeling defeated and exhausted towards everything that is yet to happen with Sky. “I’ll drive you there.”

“No; she’s my cousin,” I began to say as I gathered my belongings. “I don’t want you to get involved in the family drama-“

“I’ll drive you there,” Sahim interrupted and solidified his statement. I didn’t want to fight him; if anything, I needed to save my energy for Skylar.

“Okay,” I whispered, walking out of the room full of LED lights to face my reality.

“So do you have to get really dressy for this show?” I asked Grace as I looked inside of my closet. I walked out, pulling a matching suit from the closet. Grace sits on my bed, leaning back looking toward me.

“Jamie, it’s a show; not a wedding,” Grace teased. “A button down and some slacks should be fine. You should have something like that in your closet considering it’s all you wear.”

“Which brings me to my former question: do we have to be really dressy for the show?” I asked. Grace laughed and got up from the bed, walking toward the closet. She looks through the various hangers with clothes on them. She pulls out a collared sweater and some black slacks with my favorite dress shoes.

“You’ll be the best dressed in the theater,” Grace smiled as she said. She puts the clothes on the bed and reaches for my glasses on the nightstand. She walked back toward me and out the glass on my face. “Especially with your glasses.” I couldn’t help but smile at her.

“Jaemin?” I hear someone call out my name. I turned around and see Haram standing near the bedroom door. She’s in a turtleneck and skirt with some boots. She smiles and walks into the room, looking at the outfit I had decided to put on. “You look handsome for dinner tonight, oppa.” I turned around and looked at her, smiling. She scrunches her face, taking the glasses off of my face. “The contacts are better.”

“I just wanted to be a bit more comfortable tonight,” I walked to the vanity and take off the glasses. I take my contacts from the top drawer, looking down at them. “But anything for my lady.” I faintly smiled as Haram hugged me behind and kissed me on the cheek.

…

Every other weekend, Haram and I would go out and explore the city; our schedules were so busy during the week that we promised each other that no matter what, we’d do this. This particular weekend, I was getting ready to meet Haram for dinner and a movie. I put on the same outfit I tend to always wear: a brown collared sweater and black slacks. Today, I opted in to wear white sneakers to change the causality of the outfit; also, to get out of my comfort zone. I also wear my glasses today only because it’s better for me when watching movies.

I took a deep breath before leaving my bedroom. I walked downstairs to get ready to head out for the evening. Before I could do so, I hear the door knock. I walked to the door, opening it to see Haram standing there.

“Jagiya,” I said, surprised to see her here. “I thought I was going to pick you up today.”

“I had a feeling you needed some extra time to get ready,” Haram added, looking at my glasses.

“I know you hate the glasses,” I said, smiling at Haram’s change of expression.

“They just make you look like a boy rather than a man,” Haram teased, rustling my hair.

“Ya,” I whined, shaking my head to put my hair back in place. “It took forever to style my hair like this.” Haram giggled, helping me place my hair as it was.

“Okay, K-pop idol,” Haram continued to tease me until she put her hand in mine and walked me out of my apartment. We didn’t go that far to go out for dinner; we went to a hotpot place that always sold the juiciest of meat. We always sit at the corner of the restaurant; the table where you can look outside the window and see the city in action. We sat down in our usual seats; Haram smiling at me as she does.

“So, have you thought about teaching at PNU this Fall?” Haram asked. Haram and I have spoken about shifting my career towards teaching, especially as we speak more about our future. It was weird actually planning things out after just doing things off of a whim most of my life. She balanced that chaotic, uncertain side of myself.

“I have a meeting with the Dean in a couple of weeks,” I said, looking down at the menu. I wasn’t against leaving the firm. I’ve worked under this firm for the last 7 years and I was beginning to feel like maybe it was time to move onto other endeavors. Plus, if I wanted to ever settle down and have kids of my own, I wanted to be more involved than your typical man of the house.

“That’s great!” Haram excitingly responded, smiling as she took a sip of her drink. “It’ll be great to move closer to the Busan area; buy a house with a backyard, out of the city.” I learned early on that Haram was raised in the rural area of Andong-si. She moved to Changwon-si to teach, but she’s expressed that she will eventually like to move back into a rural area. We decided that Busan would be the best of both worlds; I would still be close enough to the city for work and she can have her own house and garden area. I smiled at Haram’s excitement.

“That would be nice,” I added. The waitress brings us our meat and garnishes for the night; both Haram and I thank her.

“Hopefully you are able to get the teaching position before Minji’s wedding,” Haram added. “Hopefully a lot of things are done before this Fall.”

“Ya,” I whined again, hearing the anxiety in Haram’s voice. “Everything will fall into place; don’t worry.” Haram doesn’t look convinced. “I promise.” The reality of it was that I didn’t know how or when things would fall into place. I still had so much thinking to do and I still had to think about so many other people when it came to making big decisions like this. I had to think about my family before I was able to think about creating my own.

“I’m just mentioning it,” Haram said, grabbing a piece of meat and grilling it in the pot in front of us. “I feel like you put yourself behind everyone else, and you deserve to have just as much as a future as those you surround yourself with.”

“Like who?” I asked, genuinely curious in who she’s talking about.

“Shawn, for example,” Haram pointed out. “The night I needed you to pick me up from my job because my car broke down, you were out taking care of him after going out for drinks.”

“I had Lia pick you up that night,” I responded. “It’s not like I had you stranded in the middle of Changwon-si.”

“That’s not the point, Jaemin,” Haram stated. “My point is that we are supposed to have each other’s backs and if something goes wrong, we should be able to handle it. I was embarrassed having your younger sister pick me up instead of you.” I told Haram that I needed to take Shawn home after he got wasted at the bar that one night. The truth was that night, I was driving Grace back to the place she was staying at. Of course I didn’t want to mention it to Haram; how was I suppose to explain that I was too busy driving my ex back home because she’s a foreigner that wanted to take a sketchy cab home instead? There was no motive behind the gesture, as I’ve been in love with something else for some time now. I tell myself that to justify my decision making.

“I’m just saying, Jaemin; it’s the things that we do now that will determine how our future will pan out,” Haram said, reaching out for my hand across the table. I put my hand in hers. Sometimes I feel like she’s constantly waiting for me to make the next move regarding our future and I just hold her hand ad have her anticipate what’s to come for our future.

“I promise I will change my prioritizes together,” I said, smiling and lying through my teeth. The truth was that I never put myself first because of everyone else around me. I needed to make sure that everyone was okay before I am; I was taught that through my own father. I wonder if he felt fulfilled at the end of his life, or did he die without ever feeling what was like to put himself first?

My father was a man that did not let others know if he was struggling or going through something troubling. He was a private person, and he would only show expression through the actions h did for other people. I didn’t understand why he was like that until his passing; until I became the man in the family that needed to take care of his mother and sisters. Lia and Mina were all able to move on with their lives, but let me try to move too far away from home to get my life together.

My phone begins to ring inside of my pocket, in which I immediately take out to answer. It’s Shawn. Speaking of the devil.

“Shawn?” I answered the phone. He sounds distraught over the phone.

“Hyung,” Shawn said. “I need your help!”

“What happened?” I asked, now worried. Haram looks up at me, wanting to know the situation.

“Please, I’m in Changwon-si,” Shawn began to explain. “I just–” I hear Shawn trying to take deep breaths, possibly trying to keep his composure together.

“Shawn, what is going on?” I asked, now more stern. Before Shawn can even have a panic attack over the phone, I tried to be a bit more gentle with him. “Shawn, just send me your address. I’ll come meet you.” I look up at Haram who looks a little annoyed now. This is exactly what she was talking about. I hung up the phone and sighed, now looking at Haram.

“Go,” Haram simply said. “He’s your friend, and he needs help.”

“Come with me,” I suggested, wanting to show her that I wasn’t trying to run off without her. “It’ll be quick; I just have to check up on Shawn.” Haram sighed loudly, gathering her things from the table as I paid the bill for dinner. I hope Shawn is alright.

“Grace,” Sonia kept calling out for me during our last stage rehearsal of the night. “See me after we’re done, please.” I took a deep breath as I felt today’s lunch swirl inside my stomach. These last couple of shows have been rough for me; injury after injury and sickness after sickness. A lot of the dancers are needing to fill in for each other, so the workload has been more than one person can handle for a couple shows a week.

Because of this, many of the dancers also left the production, whether it was my choice or not. Being as far away from home for this amount of time was starting to strain a lot of us. Many of the dancers have expressed they missed being with their families; many of them with young children that they constantly video chat during our breaks. It makes me feel bad; to sit with these women of children and to not necessarily feel the same things they do. Being in Korea hasn’t been as daunting as I thought it would be; does that make me a bad mother? Just when I think I’m enough to be considered a good parent, I see how it is to actually be a good parent.

I nodded my head as Sonia continued the rehearsal. I look over to Sahim, standing on the side of the stage looking at me with a worrisome expression on his face.

All the other dancers leave the stage for the night before Sonia is able to talk to me. I bend down to tie my sneakers; of course I would hear Sahim’s whispered voice echo just inches away from me.

“You’re okay?” Sahim asked, whispering due to how quiet the theater is now. I get up and look at Sahim; he faintly smiles to reassure me. He was great at doing so.

“Yeah,” I said, sighing. “Just waiting for Sonia to talk to me.” I crossed my arms and looked offstage toward Sonia talking to some other dancers. “What if she lets me go?”

“What?” Sahim reacted. “Why would she do something as absurd like that?”

“Look how many people left the production since opening,” I emphasized. “I feel like at this point, there’s not going to be a show left to do.”

“I can’t speak for the other dancers, but I can say that it’s all about who’s willing to work through the hardships and who doesn’t. You’re willing to work through it, clearly.” I looked out towards the audience again toward Sonia, ending another conversation with the last dancer there. She looked toward the stage at me and immediately I felt the knot sink to the pit of my stomach.

“Do you need something, Sahim?” Sonia said, looking at Sahim.

“Nope, I was just leaving,” Sahim nervously answered, clearing his throat afterward. Before he walks away, he whispers something to me. “I have to talk to you about something.” I looked up at Sahim, wondering what he meant by that. He walked away before Sonia said anything.

“Grace,” Sonia finally said, walking towards the stage.

“Hi, Sonia,” I greeted her, waiting for her to just rip the bandage off already. Once she got on the stage, she grabbed two folding chairs from the side, h anding one over to me. She sighed, which meant this wasn’t going to be a delightful conversation.

“Thank you again for speaking to me after rehearsal,” she began the conversation. “I know how valuable off-time is for a dancer.” I nodded my head, still feeling nervous. “How is Mollie doing?”

“Oh, uhm; she’s doing fine,” I answered, not expecting this to be the conversation. Sonia nods her head, adjusting herself in her seat.

“Tell her that I said hi,” Sonia said, smiling. It quickly vanished off her face once she took a deep breath. “So, we’re about half way into the production season, and we are going to change some things around considering that the production is getting smaller.” I couldn’t believe that we were already half way into the season. I feel like we just started, even though my body and exhaustion knows it’s been almost 6 months.

“Yeah,” I added in, just to let her know I was listening to her.

“We are closing the show for two weeks to revamp the production, and I want you to choreograph these two pieces we’re adding in.” My eyes widened. To say I was shocked was an understatement.

“Me?” I asked; it was the only thing I could say. Sonia nodded her head.

“Grace,” Sonia leaned in closer. “You have a natural gift in dancing, and the audience can see that. You bring something different in the way you dance, and I think it’s important that not only we envision what we think the production should look like, but how our own dancers see it too.” Sonia finally smiled at me, softening her hard exterior. “You’ll have until the end of the season to work on this project.”

“Sonia, I—“ I began to say, but she immediately looked like she was going to say something else, so I keep quiet.

“I know it’s a lot of work on top of the work you are already doing,” Sonia continued. “But I know you are going to be great. You are already great.”

“Thank you,” I said, smiling at Sonia’s kind words. “It means a lot coming from someone as experienced as you.” Sonia smiled and got up from her seat, holding her hand out toward me. I got up from my seat, shaking her hand in return.

…

I knocked on Sahim’s hotel door, feeling giddy and excited for what’s to come after speaking to Sonia. I wanted to share the good news with him; I know he would be supportive and excited for me about this next step of my dancing career. I knocked once more; maybe he didn’t hear me knocking. Moments later, Sahim opens the door.

“Grace?” Sahim said. I smiled at him, feeling too excited to stand in one place. “Everything okay?”

“I have something to tell you,” I said, inviting myself into Sahim room.

“Yeah?” Sahim said, closing the door behind me. I went to sit on one of the chairs in his room, facing him.

“It’s about my meeting with Sonia,” I said. Sahim grabs a chair next to me, sitting across from me. He seemed a little distraught; nothing how he would normally look like on a good day. “Are you okay?”

“Uhm, yeah,” Sahim said, looking down at his hands before looking up at me. “I also have been meaning to talk to you about something as well.”

“What is it?” I asked, wondering what has Sahim feeling kind of distant. He doesn’t say anything right away. It was like he was trying to find the right way to start this conversation. Before he said anything, he simply just sighed.

“I know time isn’t truly on our side working on such a major production like this, so it truly means a lot to me whenever we are able to spend time together around the city, or even in our rooms.” I smile, thinking about all the time we did spend together while being in Korea. Sahim made it easy to spend time with him. Since we worked on the same schedule, we always had off the same time. Sahim, from what I collected, seeks adventure. He’s constantly wanting to go to these different places in the city, whether or not he truly thinks it will be a good place to hang out. It’s in his nature to go out and explore; from what he’s told me about his life in America, he’s never in one place. In a way, I related with him on that. I could never seem to stay in one place for long periods of time.

“Me too,” I added. Sahim just smiled before he continued to speak.

“I just want to know if we are on the right track,” Sahim finally admitted, looking at me. “I really like you, Grace, and I would hate to lose you once the production is over.”

“Lose me?” I asked, wondering what Sahim meant by that. “How would you lose me?”

“I just feel like since being here, we’ve both been living in an alternate reality, like we’ve been on this vacation together,” Sahim stated. “I feel like once the production is over, the high is over… life goes back to what it was before and– I don’t know. I would hate to have you so close now and then lose you when we go back to America.” I take in everything that Sahim is saying, and in all honesty: it’s a first. Every relationship I’ve been in ended in one of us leaving; in me leaving. Sahim opened his hand, revealing his palm. I put my hand into his as he gently squeezed it.

“Sahim,” I began to say, trying to formulate my own sentences now. “We have so much time left. There’s no need for you to be worried about the future.”

“I know,” Sahim added, taking a deep breath. “I don’t want to do this when the time comes, because it will seem like I’m only doing this because we have to leave…” Sahim looks me in my eyes, still holding my hand. I feel the knot getting tighter in my stomach. “Which is why I am looking to make things a little more official at this point.”

“What?” I asked, the shock visible on my face. Sahim looked embarrassed once he saw my face; fuck, no; that’s not what I wanted to say or react. I squeezed my eyes shut. “I didn’t mean it like that, I’m sorry; it’s just-“

“Grace,” Sahim interrupted an sighed. “I know it’s scary. I know getting into something serious isn’t something that wasn’t on your bucket list of things to do while being in Korea.” He smiles when he looks at me. It always felt good to see him smile every time he looks at me when he’s nervous. “It wasn’t on mine either.” We both laugh, which makes things feel less intense then they were before. “But, I seriously couldn’t help myself while being with you during our time here. And I guess that’s why I bring it up.”

I began to picture a life with Sahim as my boyfriend; living in a house outside of the city but every weekend going back for a dinner date or Broadway show. I picture him meeting Willow for the first time, meeting my family and sharing stories about his journeys before the production. I picture him waking up every morning to remind me I have a rehearsal that day; he was always good at keeping me on track. I picture me meeting his family and seeing every place in his neighborhood that he grew up in. I pictured it so many times before, and I just don’t know if it ever will be something I’m capable of doing.

Before I can say anything else, Sahim begins to fill in the silence. I don’t blame him; he was probably nervous that I haven’t said anything about his confession.

“I understand if your past is making you weary about us,” Sahim mentioned. I scrunched my eyebrows together, a bit bothered that he would bring up my past. “And I know I can’t change anything about it–“

“Yeah, you can’t,” I spat back, which catches Sahim off-guard. “You don’t know what I had to go through in order to be at the place I am now.”

“No one is questioning that,” Sahim emphasized, now seeming like he’s coming down from the cloud nine he was on. “I’m just acknowledging the fact that you carry baggage that makes you nervous about trusting people now. You deserve to be happy, Grace. You deserve to hand that baggage to your past. You are also deserving of love, and that’s all I want to show you.”

I knew Sahim is right. I know I am the only one holding myself back from truly being happy. What am I truly holding onto at this point? Jamie? For what? He was living his life now with someone he allowed to love him despite his baggage, so why can’t I? Why can’t I just let Sahim love me?

I simply leaned in to kiss him and to my surprise, he kisses me back. It was like we were both yearning for it at this point. I knew I liked Sahim more than I was leading on, and I knew that with time and allowance, I was capable of giving the love Sahim deserved too. It’s about time, Grace.

I slowly backed away from the kiss, looking at Sahim in the eyes. He’s still leaned forward, looking back at me with those honey eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Sahim said through his smile. “I believe you also had something to tell me.”

“It can wait,” I said back, going back in for a kiss.

I have to admit something.

Something possessed me one Sunday night to go to Grace’s show again. The night I left my mom’s house I felt uneasy. I was driving along the road back toward the city, thinking about the night I first saw her dance. The first time was coincidental; I didn’t mean to go to her show. I didn’t know that out of all of the shows playing in Korea, I would end up going to her show. The initial shock of seeing her the first time made me realize that I didn’t remember the entirety of the show. This time, I wanted to actually see the show.

Before the venue doors opened, all of today’s viewers stood in the lobby, grabbing drinks and talking among each other. I wish that I wasn’t here in secret, maybe then I’d be more inclined to enjoy the night.

…

“Are you gonna miss me when I make it big in the dance industry?” Grace playfully asked, grabbing a French fry off of my plate.

“What do you mean ‘miss’,” I started to answer. “I’m going to be at every show when you do.”

“You’re willing to watch the same show 100 times, over and over again? That’s boring,” Grace scoffed.

“I am willing to watch you dance all 100 of those times,” I said, smiling at Grace. Her face gets red, blushing before she’s able to say anything back.

“Well,” Grace started to say as she twirled the straw of her drink. “Dreams are meant to be dreams.”

“Not for you, though,” I reassured Grace. “You’re resilient, and that’s something I’m not willing to see change about you.”

…

The show begins and I vaguely remember how it opened. Every dancer is immensely talented yet they all effortlessly work well with each other to create art on stage. I didn’t appreciate the craft until Grace introduced me to it, showing me the different style of dance and even some of her own home videos from when she was younger. I appreciate the technicality behind each dance step. It wasn’t a shock that she was so articulate as a lawyer; she was born articulated and detail oriented.

Shortly after, Grace comes out for her solo. She’s confident now; she has mastered the dance after doing it for quite some time now. She’s more animated now, telling more of the story through her body and facial expressions. She frowns and smiles and closes her eyes all in the right places; it’s like it’s a completely new dance. Once her solo was over, she got the reaction from the crowd like it was the first night all over again: standing ovation and cheering. I do the exact same.

After the show, everyone starts to exit the theater. I tried to leave as soon as the show ended’ I didn’t want to take the risk of being seen by Grace or anyone else near the venue. I was almost out of the clear until my phone began to ring. I took my phone out of my pocket and see that it’s Kevin calling.

“yeoboseyo?” I answered.

“Hyung,” Kevin responded. “JooAh and I just got into town, we’ll be at your place in about an hour.”

“It’s okay,” I said, looking around the theater. “I’m currently running errands, but I’ll be home before you guys get there…I’ll see you then.” I hung up the phone after saying bye to Kevin, quickly putting the phone in my pocket. I’m almost out of the venue, but to my surprise I hear my name being called. Fuck.

I slowly turned around and see Sahim waving his hand. As a reflex, I waved back, but fully processing the fact that Sahim was the one that recognized me and called out my name. I didn’t realize just how involved he was in the show, I didn’t realize just how much time he and Grace had spent between rehearsals and off-days from the production.

Sahim began walking up to me, in which I throw on the most fake smile I can think of.

“Hey man,” Sahim greeted me, giving me a hand pound. “I’m surprised to see you here.”

“Yeah,” I began to say, trying to come up with a convincing lie to tell. “Shawn had recommended that my girlfriend and I see the show… she’s in the bathroom right now.”

“Ahhhh, really? Did you like the show?” Sahim asked.

“It was great,” I politely said. “All of the dancers were amazing on stage.”

“Yeah, they all worked really hard to be here,” Sahim agreed before placing his hand on my shoulder. “If you and your girlfriend would like to grab dinner with Grace and I, you totally can.” I immediately shook my head, not because Haram actually wasn’t with me tonight, but he had just invited my girlfriend and I to a double date with him and my ex-girlfriend. I felt the bile rise up my throat.

“No, no, it’s okay,” I quickly said, trying to change the subject. “My girlfriend and I are meeting up with our friends, so…”

“Of course, man,” Sahim said, patting the spot on my shoulder that he was previously touching. “I’m glad you enjoyed the show.” I nodded my head and said goodbye to Sahim. I quickly headed for the exit, hoping Sahim wasn’t looking in my direction. I took a look back to see if he was; thankfully he was already talking to someone else. I walked out the exit.

…

“You’re okay, JooAh?” Haram asked, pouring hot water into a mug with a tea bag for her.

“Yes, thank you,” JooAh answered, slightly bowing out of respect. Kevin walks into the kitchen area with a purse in his hand; JooAh’s I’m assuming. He hands it over to his very pregnant girlfriend and kisses her on the forehead.

“Sorry for the scare,” JooAh began to say. “Sometimes the flare ups are worse than others.” Kevin has told me that JooAh’s pregnancy has been rough for the both of them; it’s the reason why we don’t get to see them as much anymore. I’m glad that when we do, we’re able to just go with what comes at us, and I’m glad Haram is able to help out.

“Why don’t we go into the living room and catch up,” Haram said to JooAh. “Let the men catch up in the kitchen.” JooAh nodded her head and got up from her seat. Haram helps her get into the living room as Kevin watches. Once the women are out of the room, Kevin lets out a deep sigh.

“Everything okay, Kevin?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he simply said, now looking at me. “It’s been a roller coaster for us these last couple of months.” I nodded, letting Kevin talk. “How about you? Have you seen Shawn yet?”

“Yeah,” I said. “He and Skylar left for Seoul a couple of weeks ago.”

“He introduced her to his family?”

“Yeah, and from what he excitedly said, his family likes her a lot,” I smiled as I said. “I’m happy for him; he deserves it.” Kevin didn’t say anything back; I have been the moderator between Shawn and Kevin for the last couple of months, ever since we left California last summer. Although they both have been in really good places in their relationships, they still haven’t spoken to each other. “I think he’s going to propose to Skylar while they’re here.

“Mwo?” Kevin asked, shocked. “So soon?”

“You know Shawn,” I began to say. “Shawn is going to do things the way Shawn does them.

“Despite what he may think about me, I can say that Skylar is good for him,” Kevin admitted.

“I agree,” I said, taking a deep breath. Kevin kept looking at me as if he was waiting for me to say more about this topic. “What?”

“Do you keep in touch with Grace?” Kevin nonchalantly asked. “You know, since you keep in touch with Shawn and Skylar…”

“No,” I quickly said, forcing the lie to roll off my tongue. “The last time we spoke was the ngiht before leaving California. Things got messy.”

“Weren’t things with Grace always messy?” Kevin scoffed. I tried to not react to his comment; I was supposed to be completely over Grace… I am completely over Grace. “You seem a lot happier these days, Hyung. I’m glad that you were able to move forward with your life after everything that woman put you through.” That woman. I grind my teeth together to keep my mouth.

“Let’s go and sit with the women,” I got up from my seat, walking towards the living room area.

In America, small concerts were never really small. No matter what, they will try to fit 200 people in a space where the capacity is only 150 people. When I was in college, I had went to a small concert with a bunch of my college friends in the city and got caught in the middle of a mosh pit. Let’s just say my mother was livid when I came back home with random bruises on my arms and legs since my father was due to come visit the following morning. It was fun, though.

In Korea, it looks like they take their events seriously. It was nice knowing that no matter what, I was guaranteed my seat and that the atmosphere was a lot calmer than what I was used to. I looked around the venue, watching everyone take their seats and engage in small talk. Before I could take my phone out, I hear my name being called.

“Grace!” I looked up and saw Summer waving her hand at me. I smiled and began to walk towards her. I’m grateful that even being in another country, I still have family here to visit.

“Hey Summer,” I greeted as I gave her a hug. “Thanks for inviting me out tonight.”

“As someone who is appreciative of the arts, it was only right to invite you,” Summer said as we walked to our seats. “How’s the production been going for you?”

“It’s been so good,” I happily said, smiling as I answered. “I can’t believe it’s already been a month since we first opened. Before I know it, the year would have gone by.”

“Evan always tells me the same thing,” Summer agreed. “He’ll go on tour with this band mates for a couple of months and before you know it, he’s back home.” I couldn’t help but smile whenever Summer spoke about Evan; she was always so giddy whenever she spoke about him. I had met him only once back in America when Summer went to visit her parents. It was nice to see Summer in her element like this.

“He’s definitely not wrong,” I chimed in, looking toward the stage as the lights dimmed. The first couple of bands were really good. Most assume Korea is just a nation that produces cutesy K-Pop music; I definitely did when I first heard about it. I learned a lot about the music through– through Jamie— and to my surprise I enjoyed a lot of the different genres. Some of the bands were jazz-like and others resembled R&B. Evan’s band was K-Rock, which reminds me a lot of my love for rock music back in high-school.

Watching Summer smitten as Evan played on stage was cute. She would bob her head to the music and jump up and down in place, cheering him on. It was sweet to see how a relationship like this looked like. It makes me think if something like this could’ve ever happened for me. It would’ve been nice to have Willow and my family here, cheering me on show after show.

By the end of the show, Summer had took me backstage with her to meet up with Evan. It was weird to be backstage at a show I personally wasn’t performing in, but it was a nice change to the usual madness I experience in a backstage setting.

“Evan!” Summer said excitedly, running towards Evan as soon as she seems him. His smile immediately covers his entire face as he opens his arms wide. Summer runs in for a hug, softly kissing Evan on the cheek. “You did great, tonight.”

“Thank you, gongjunim,” Evan said, still holding his arm around Summer. It’s cute how he calls her ‘princess’. Evan looks at me and greets me by bowing. I return the gesture out of politeness.

“Hi, Grace,” Evan said. “Thanks for coming out tonight, and I’m sorry for not making it to your show with Summer last month.”

“It’s okay,” I said. “You were legit on a tour, which by the way you killed it out there.” Evan nods and faces Summer. She looks back up at him to look at him too. “I wish I could stay and talk, but the guys and I have a meet and greet with the rest of the artists.”

“It’s cool,” Summer said, now looking at me. “Grace and I can go back to our place and hang out. Is that alright with you?”

“Yeah,” I answered. “We finally have more than just a one day rest day between shows.” Summer smiles, which makes me smile in return.

…

“Would you ever permanently move to Korea?” Summer randomly asked me as she opened a kimbap from the convenience store. “Like if there was work out here for you, would you take it?”

“If I was younger, maybe,” I said, eating a bag of chips. “But I truly think this production is the last big gig I get at my age. I’m not what your typical dancer looks like.”

“That’s very ageist,” Summer said, looking at me. I shrugged, knowing it was the truth.

“Tell that to the industry,” I simply said. Summer rolls her eyes, getting up from her seat. “I also have my daughter back in America; I can’t just leave her there for a job.”

“But you kind of already did that,” Summer pointed out. I looked at Summer, a bit annoyed she would say something so vial and rude.

“With all due respect, Summer, you don’t know my life outside of what I tell you,” I snapped back, readjusting in my seat. “Just because I’m here for work, doesn’t mean I’m making this my lifestyle.”

“I didn’t mean for it to come off like that,” Summer said. “I meant that the hard part is already over. Willow is getting older, and if she’s doing okay with you being across the world, then imagine actually doing it as a job. Isn’t this something you always wanted to do?” Before Summer moved to Korea, we spent a lot of time hanging out at her parent’s place. My mom and her dad are lifelong best friends; family even after my aunt married my uncle. When I moved to New York for college, Summer was the one that would show me around the city on the days I didn’t have classes. Even though she was a couple of years older than me, we got along like friends. She moved way before I graduated though, and she was already in Korea by the time I had Willow. She knew what she knew about my life after college, but sometimes I felt like she still saw me as this young, carefree girl with big dreams of taking on the world.

“It is,” I finally answered back. “But things are different now. I’m different now.” Summer looked at me and shook her head before finally sitting down next to me.

“If I didn’t make the move here from America, I don’t think I’d be the person I am today. Just how if you never moved to New York, you wouldn’t have had the life you have now.” Summer was right; I know my life would’ve been completely different if I stayed in Virginia. I know that I probably would’ve been a lawyer in some small firm in Woodbridge, and my life would’ve consisted of weekends at my dad’s, being around other FBI agents, DAs, and lawyers talking about absolutely nothing. But I made that huge move once already, but to do it in a different country? I don’t think I could do it again. “Grace?”

“Huh?” I said, snapping back to reality.

“You are just as bad as when you were younger,” Summer teased, getting up and walking toward the kitchen.

“What? Did I say something?” I shouted so she could hear me. Shortly after, I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I took it out and to my surprise, it was Sahim.

Sahim: Hey, tiny dancer – how was the show? Thinking about trying a new place in the city and would love to go with my favorite company.

Grace: I’d love to go. See you at 5?

I looked up from my phone as Summer walked back into the room.

“I’m just saying, Grace,” Summer continued to make her point. ” I think you’re selling yourself short and playing it safe. We both know you’re destined to be great.”

“I guess,” I simply said, looking at my phone once it vibrated again.

Sahim: Put something formal on.

I can’t get any more spontaneous than this.

Dinner nights with my family typically mean I’m in the kitchen helping my mom prepare the dishes. I don’t mind though; as I got older, I’ve grown to actually enjoy this time with my mom.

“Jaemin,” my mom comes over and drops the kimchi in front of me. “Cut this up for me.” I listen to my mom and start cutting the kimchi for her.

Moments later, Haram enters the kitchen with two bags before placing them on the table. I turned around and smiled at her.

“I’m so sorry I’m late,” Haram said, immediately throwing on an apron and helping my mom strain the rice in the sink. “I had a faculty meeting after school.”

“Were the kids nice to you today?” I teased, walking by her to kiss her on top of her head.

“A little rowdy, but for the most part they were good.” Haram said, washing the rice.

“Are you still teaching 3rd grade?” My mom asked, chiming in.

“Yes,” Haram happily answered. My mom smiled at Haram; she really liked her. My mom and Haram got along well. My mom was very conservative with the people that we brought home. The moment my mom met Haram, they instantly hit it off. I guess that’s a good sign, right?

“So cute,” my mom simply said. “I remember when Jaemin was that little. He used to have so much hair and these big glasses.”

“Eomma,” I said, trying to stop her before she got too explicit with the information. Haram giggled and gently kissed me on the cheek. It made me smile.

…

“Dinner was lovely,” Haram said to my mom. “The garnishes were so tasty, as usual.”

“Thank you, dear,” my mom said, beginning to take some of the plates off of the table. Haram immediately gets up to help her out. I could tell my mom appreciated all of Haram’s help. I watched both of them in the kitchen, cleaning off plates and putting leftovers in containers together. I couldn’t help but smile; Haram seamlessly fits in this house which is something that hasn’t happened before. I begin to imagine life with Haram: a house with a tiny puppy that she carries around with her everywhere. I imagine Haram spending Chuseok with my family and vice versa. I wonder how life without—

“I have to get going,” Haram comes into the dining area and grabs her purse from the back of her chair.

“Already?” I said, watching her put her things together. I see the containers of food that my mom packed up for Haram.

“I do have to be at work by 7 tomorrow morning,” Haram explained. “Two more days and then I’m off work for the weekend.” My mom finally enters the dining area.

“You and Jaemin should spend the weekend here when Mina and Minji come in a couple of weeks,” my mom suggested. “I think it would be great for the women to spend some time together.” I didn’t like the idea, mainly because my sisters were extremely tough when it comes to the women I date. I know this wouldn’t be the case; maybe that’s why I’m freaking out.

“I would love that,” Haram answered for the both of us. I quickly looked at her, wishing she had let me ease into this discussion.

“It’s settled then,” my mom said, walking over to Haram and I. “I will let Jaemin know when we could all do this.” Aigoo. My mom hugged Haram before I have her a kiss goodbye.

“Let me know why you’ve made it home,” I said, hugging Haram tight.

“Of course,” Haram said before leaving the house. She leaves out of the front door and I immediately know where this conversation is now going.

“When are you and Haram going to get married?” My mom immediately asked.

“Eomma,” I whined, cleaning up the rest of the dining room table.

“You are not getting any younger, Jaemin. I would love to see my only son carrying on the Kim name—“

“Eomma, please,” I said, nearly dropping the dishes to the ground. “Haram and I just started dating a couple of months ago. There’s still so much time left until things get to that pace.”

“She’s traditional,” she continued to say. “She values family and education. She was raised in a good family that values the same.” I looked at my mom as she spoke. My mom was protective of her only son and didn’t speak too highly about the women I dated over the years. Haram was different though, and that is what makes me feel so nervous. “She suits you well. I’m glad you met someone back home like her.” I rolled my eyes as I placed the dishes in the sink, turning the water on to clean them. I knew exactly what she meant; my mom never spoke if it didn’t have motive or intention behind it. I understand that my mom wanted me to be with someone close to home and that knew the culture well enough as herself. She never told me this, but I know she was flipping out when I was in America with an American woman.

“Yeah,” I answered back, wanting to change the subject desperately at this point. My mom smiled, placing clean dishes in the cabinet as I washed and dried them. I want to make my mom proud, and I know she just wants to be the son that she raised. But, sometimes I feel like that side of me can’t come back, no matter hard I try. I still slip in English words every now and then in conversations with other Koreans, especially when I can’t remember how to say certain phrases and words in Korean due to being out of practice for some time. So, if me being with a Haram makes her happy, then it shouldn’t be that hard considering that Haram also makes me happy.

But, what if I’m not the traditional Korean man Haram needs me to be? What if I am now too westernized to ever be traditional? What if I don’t want to be traditional?

I look over my mom as her phone rings on the counter. She picks it up when she sees that Mina is calling her. She takes her phone conversation to the other room, leaving me in the kitchen by myself, lost in my thoughts.

If I was traditional, I wouldn’t be overthinking it and if I wanted to be traditional, I wouldn’t be so caught up in the anxiety behind being so.