Category: Misc.

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz.

It’s been way too long since I sat down and wrote something that wasn’t creative writing related. I’ve been really enjoying being on the blog and writing out The “Something” Series because it allows me to be in a head space where I don’t have to worry about personal things or thoughts that would trigger my anxiety. Also, I’ve been really enjoying living in these world of characters, so that’s why the blog has been mainly creative writing as of lately.

I wanted to come on here and just free write some shit because I sometimes miss it. There are days when I want to sit down and write these type of blog posts but worry that I might be saying something too personal or simply no one cares about what’s up with me. I guess in the long run I do these type of posts for myself; to allow myself and time and space to air out some things that have been on my mind or just some things I want to share to the public.

First things first: surgery has not happen yet. My last test needed to take was delayed due to scheduling conflicts and availability, so I had to wait a couple of months to get the test completely done with. Two weeks ago, I went to the sleep center to take my sleep study test; it primarily tracks your sleep to detect any sleep disorders and issues regarding sleep so that when they put me under for surgery, there’s no problems or issues. It was extremely different than what I thought; they hooked me up to about 20 different wires and then had to hear a net around my head but nevertheless, I went to sleep and woke up and now it’s finished. I have some blood work that I had done last week and now we are waiting for the results and then I’ll officially be in the pre-op process. This process has been an extremely long one; sometimes I fear that I’ve done all the testing and preparing for nothing because God forbid one of these very last things on the list doesn’t clear me or something. Sometimes it feels unreal that this is a process towards weight loss surgery, but here I am, almost at the very end.

Secondly: the journal article process is also coming to an end! (Hopefully!) My mentor and I got reviews back from the editors a couple of weeks ago and we have just one minor revision to do and hopefully we are good to go! This article has also taken way too long to conclude: we discussed possibly doing a collaboration piece back in Fall 2018 when I was a Teacher’s Assistant for Ro, my mentor. We then started to do some brainstorming and reading over the Summer of 2019, but then I got hired at my job at the bookstore and things were put at a halt while I was working and she was teaching at the college. Then the pandemic happened which then I used it as an opportunity to reach out to Ro and ask her if she was still wanting to work on he piece since we both now had time, and long and behold: our very first draft was 30 pages and it was written in a week. Personally, I enjoy writing (and reading) academic pieces like this and it’s a field I would love to be a part of one day without the whole slaving myself at a graduate school trying to get my PhD in Rhetoric Composition and Writing Studies. Within this process I’ve been diving into some Zoom conferences about the topics I would love to be more well-rounded on and taking notes on the presentations and whatnot. But yeah: mid-April is our next submission month and hopefully it’s our last before publication!

I’ve been diagnosed with something new. It’s something that I figured I was dealing with for years, but always stayed silent or believed it wasn’t that much big of a deal until I realized I literally had a breakdown and had to talk about what was happening to me. In hindsight, I spoke to both my therapist and psychiatrist about what was happening and both came to the conclusion of PMDD. It’s pretty much a severe case of PMS and it usually is onset before your 30’s. Severe depression and impairment of functioning is usually apparent during the first two week leading up to your period and boy it’s not fucking pretty. Since then, I’ve been taking medication to regulate my mood swings throughout the month. So far, I’ve been feeling a bit better and my last cycle wasn’t as brutal as the one in late January/early February. I still have my highs and lows, but for the most part I am trying my best to get through each month as calm and okay as possible these days.

Lastly, I am just taking it one day at a time. I go to work on the days I am scheduled, I go to my appointments whether they are for my bariatric surgery or mental health, and I’m still doing my collecting thing! I’ve been finishing up my Seungsik album collection for Victon’s latest comeback and gathering the other photocards that I want for my collection. I’m thinking about redoing my binder collection and my collection area: I have some more space and are getting into a lot more groups that have really good discographies! I’m also trying to be a bit more active on my collection account because it does give me great joy to make layouts and post parts of my collection! Also, two of my favorite boys in Victon have birthdays in April, so I got to plan ahead on those collection pictures for that!

That’s all I really have to talk about! Life’s just been slowly going as the days pass and I’m taking it one day at a time, especially while I wait for this bariatric surgery clearance process goes on.

Welcome back to the blog, readers. 🙂

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

So, quick question: why does January feel like it lasts longer than 31 days ever single year? Don’t get me wrong, January is my birthday month, we love her, but she definitely sticks around for way longer than every other month in the year.

Nevertheless, lots of cool and exciting things happen in this month alone (plus it’s been a hot minute since we did one of these things) and why not end this never-ending month with some highlights and favorites?

Highlights:

I turned 27!

Goodbye 26, hello 27! Earlier this month, I turned 27-years-old! I didn’t do much on my actual birthday (I mean, you really can’t considering the whole pandemic) but nevertheless, I had a really chill and good birthday. I spent time with my family, I spent some time with my closest friends though video chat, and ate some really good food and cake. It was also my Aliceversary, which in case you didn’t know was when I first really got into Victon as a group and began to stan them immensely hard. My tattoo, “The Chemistry”, was inspired by one of the b-sides off of their debut mini album, “Voice to New World”, which was the song that I first heard from them and instantly fell in love with them. So yeah, not only is January 9th my birthday, but it’s also my blog anniversary and now my Aliceversary. We love that.

My 4 Major Clearances are Complete!

Almost a year after entering the program, I can finally say I am (almost) complete with all four major clearances! Last week, I took my last test and sent the results back with to my doctor and now I’m just waiting to get that clearance before I take the very last steps before I get a surgery date! It’s really crazy and scary to think that in a couple of weeks, this surgery can potentially happen. To be at this point into the process and only have some minor preparations left is still something so mind-blowing and seems so unrealistic. It’s definitely caused some minor/major (all-around really) anxiety because it’s just something that is so tangible and achievable that I sometimes think if I’m actually ready for something as major as this. Nevertheless, I know I’ll be okay and ready when the time gets even closer.

Victon Made Their Comeback!

Two days after my birthday, Victon made their comeback with their first full-length album, VOICE: The Future is Now. (If you would like to read my thoughts on the album, you can read that here.) Not trying to be biased or anything, but wow this album was so good and like the whole thing is a certified bop… no cap. Anyway! They promoted their album for two weeks and honestly every performance of theirs just got better and better. Here, take this special video performance of their b-side track, “Flip A Coin” as context to the type of shit they were on for this comeback.

Favorites:

Victon’s VOICE: The Future is Now :

And to transition to some favorites: This album is definitely my favorite thing of this past month. Like I mentioned this before, this was definitely one of my favorite albums of theirs and it’s a literal masterpiece. Ugh, so proud of my boys!

Olivia Rodrigo’s “driver license” :

Gotta thank the Instagram reels that are just reposted TikToks for this discovery! There was something so raw about this girl’s voice and the fact that it really gave me some writing inspiration that made this song an instant hit for me. I know this song has some Disney drama behind it and it’s literally giving me some Hilary Duff, Lindsay Lohan & Aaron Carter vibes (man can you guess how old I am from that statement), but the lyrics are just so amazing and heartfelt and again, this girl has pipes! Ugh, such a great song.

For now, that’s all the stuff for this month! Let’s see what February has in store for us!

To my future lover,

I don’t know how we will meet. Possibly you’ll come from a mutual friend and they introduce me as “Liz, she’s my short, sweet and sassy friend!” and maybe you’ll find that really funny. Maybe I will meet you on my way to work and you notice the pins on my denim jacket and ask me what they are. Maybe I’ll meet you at my future job, during a job event, talking about the things that interest us or about the funny things that happen at our job. Maybe I will just shoot my shot one day, come to you and say that your tattoos look nice or that your hair looks so bad-ass. Maybe I’ll be bold enough to see you at my current job at the bookstore, write my phone number on your receipt in hopes you’ll call or text me. (For reference, I did that to a guy earlier this year and although we aren’t dating, he’s an amazing fucking friend).

I say this because I will probably tell you that I like you way too early in our relationship, I will probably get flustered and red when I say or do something that I think is major when really, you didn’t even read too much into it. I will probably get way too attached way too soon and express the fact that I will be afraid of losing you because there have been so many in the past that have left because I was “doing too much” or I left because I thought “I wasn’t good enough”. You were probably catch on extremely quick to the fact that I’m hypersensitive, I’m anxious, and the sweet fun-loving girl you got to know isn’t always going to be there. Sometimes, I’ll be the opposite; sometimes I will push you away because I feel like I’ll hurt you or that I’ll be too much for you in my bad moments. Sometimes I will hold onto things for hours on end because my anxiety will not let it go for the life of me. Sometimes, I may annoy you, disappoint you, anger or frustrate you due to the way I handle things.

I hope that you love me through it all.

Reassure me. Tell me that I can be loved. Tell me I’m good enough. Tell me that my feelings are valid and that whatever bad things I may be thinking or feeling, that they will pass soon. Hug me when it looks like I’m about to fall apart. Shush me when I cry while you rub my back. Listen when my irrational thoughts are pouring out and I can’t stop. Distract me with things that will make me smile, like silly random videos, or pictures of my favorite Kpop group; literally about anything that leaves a smile on my face.

Most importantly, I hope that after the storm, after the tears and the anxiety attacks and episodes, you still smile and see me and love me for… me.

Love me for the moments when I’m laughing and I can’t breathe because of the laughter. Love me for the moments where we go on adventures and explore the city together. Love me for my body, big or small, short or tall, and love me for my hair; light or dark, short or long; love me by being here and by being my favorite person in the world.

Love me, even for my sadness. My bad days. My lonely days. My mental disorders. For me.

Happy Anniversary, boys!

It’s insane to think that a year ago around this time, you were completely wrecking my ult group, X1, with your 5th Mini Album, nostalgia, and how fucking personal and beautiful every song on the album was. At first, it wasn’t my cup of tea, but after watching the music video and watching the performances of the title track, “nostalgic night”, something about you boys captivated me.

I was a PDX101 fan; I remember watching the show over the summer and being so mesmerized by Byungchan’s visual and Seungwoo’s vocal and how well put together they were as trainees on the show. They were debuted idols already, getting a second chance at not only redebuting in a new group, but in hopes that if they did not make the final lineup, their fans will come back to them in Victon and fall in love with them as a group. In an industry with a BTS, NCT, and other monster boy groups, Victon’s success was subpar. Many people didn’t know of them despite being a group that debuted in November 2016. Prior to “nostalgic night”, they never had a music show win. Long and behold on 11/12/19, Victon had their first win, and wow – it was an emotional one; one for finally getting that win, for going through a time in their careers where disbandment was being discussed, and because Seungwoo was promoting in the PDX101 project group, X1, at the time.

It was their chemistry that got me during the summer of 2019. Watching their old reality show from 2017, it made me realize that they were more than just a group of 7 guys. They were legitimately a family, and they loved each other like brothers. In an industry where Kpop is heavily scripted and put together artificially, Victon never felt fake. They were honest, and real, and their tears and love for their fans (Alice) never felt like they came from a manufactured place. After having Victon literally destorying my life for the latter half of 2019, I finally came to terms like these boys were my boys, and they were the group that I was meant to ult. That day was 1/9/20, on my birthday, while listening to their song “The Chemistry” on the bus on my way to work.

It’s been one hell of a year for me, and it’s not even over because they are making a comeback in December with a full length album; the first in their discography. But, within the year, they’ve had two concerts, one fanmeeting, two comebacks, and so many amazing things for them as a group and for them individually!

For me, I’ve became a kpop collector; solely a Victon collector. I created a trading account in the kpop community on Instagram and in the process met so many amazing people that finally understood my love for a genre and a group as Victon. I met my best friend solely through our mutual love and utter trash for our boys. I’ve been the happiest I’ve been in a really long time because this is the first time in a really long time I felt like I was owning my damn identity. I have tattoos (3 actually) that are Kpop inspired. I wear pins and buttons and jewelry with Victon on them; I have Seungsik’s name on me in my outfits all the time because that man is my ult and like, wow the love for that man is unreal. TLDR; although there are moments where I feel like I don’t fit in due to my own worries and anxiety, I still can step back and see just how much I finally do belong in a community.

So, in all honestly – thank you, Victon, for being the catalyst for the many things to happen in 2020.

사랑해요 ~~ ❤

I am always worried that time isn’t on my side. I think if there’s one thing I’m afraid of more than dying is the fact that time goes by extremely fast and I will always be left behind. I feel like my processing of things has gotten a lot more slower as I got older; perhaps I now take the time to go through and feel the things happening in my life rather than “pushing it under the rug” until the hill is at it’s highest and I cannot walk over it anymore. Being in this current body, we are now more present and aware of things and sometimes it takes us hella long to get through it and move on.

It’s already the middle of October of 2020 and sometimes I still feel like I’m processing the things that occurred in my last relationship that ended late summer of 2019. While it doesn’t affect me and bother me as much as it did when it first happened, it still lingers and trails behind me like a distant memory, reminding me what my life was a little over a year ago and how different things were. It’s crazy to think that I wasn’t working at the bookstore, I didn’t have the friends I have now, and my appearance was much different than it is now. So much has changed, and time definitely has passed by, but I feel like I’ve been stuck here. Perhaps I’m just struggling to let go of my past and the moments that linger into my present.

You know time is passing by when the seasons change, which is weird because I am always looking forward to a new season. Every season feels like a beginning of a new chapter, a new chance at doing something amazing and cool, and the outfit changes you are able to make is also one of the best things to do during a season change. Even with those exciting changes, I still feel like I’m constantly left behind, like I still have so much I’m holding onto, waiting to just gather more shit as the time catches up to me.

I understand this may be a weird concept to grasp; aren’t we all worried about time passing by too quickly? What if we missed the good things to come being too worried about the time passing by? Aren’t we all taking time for granted because no matter what, time is forever moving along whether we’re ready for it for not?

I ask myself these questions every day. Am I really the only one that dwells in time while everyone moves forward and lives their lives like normal people in society? I feel like I’m constantly thinking about how my life should be like in this present moment; how much time is enough to move forward with my life? How much time to I need to process things that are happening and things that happened in the past? Will I ever be willing to move with time within the same pace? Sometimes I try to see if I can move with time, to keep up with it and live my life according to how fast it goes, but no matter how hard I try, time passes, seasons change, people and their daily lives change, and I have no control of what happens when it does.

I can’t control how this virus is working. I can’t control how quickly it’s spreading again and how slowly it’s taking to resolve and be done with. I can’t control how my daily life looks like; socially, personally, and professionally because of this virus. I can’t control how much time has passed and I don’t feel that same love for my job like I did a couple of months ago. I con’t control the things that are constantly changing, so why am I so caught up on the things that are said and done, dead and gone, which no hope of resurrection in my life? Why can I just enjoy the time I have in this moment instead of holding onto time that doesn’t exist anymore?

It’s time to let go and have spend time the way it’s supposed to be spent: well and present.

It’s time to be present and to only think about what is happening in this very moment. It’s time that I laugh with my friends and appreciate their presence. It’s time that I start doing things that I want to do in this very moment and not think whether or not my past is making me think otherwise. It’s time that I take more pictures and cherish the moments in that present time. It’s time that I appreciate the time spent with family, with friends, with coworkers, with moots in the kpop community, and with potential new people that come into my life in the future. It’s time that I become more present; physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I just want to be here for everything before time runs out, before my presence disappears, before other people’s presence in my life disappears due to time passing; I just want to be here.

Although we love and support celebrities and idols in the media, we also have to be aware that they aren’t perfect and they are allowed to make human mistakes. Just because they are well known and have to upkeep this image, it doesn’t mean they can’t slip up and make mistakes.

Especially if they are kpop idols.

This isn’t something that many kpop groups and idols haven’t dealt with before; Kpop as a genre of music is now on a worldwide scale which comes with the responsibilities of being more aware of the things they say, post, and do in the media. Fact of the matter is that South Korea isn’t the United States. They aren’t as open and vocal about the things that we are here. There are some topics an subjects that are not widely known in South Korea; to the commoner, people may not see what these kpop idols do wrong when they do or say insensitive things. If it directly doesn’t disrespect their own culture, why bother? Well, Kpop idols are not just commoners. They are people in the spotlight, they are targeted to a larger audience, and no matter what – people are watching them, even across the world.

I think a lot of kpop groups don’t realize just how big they really are sometimes. That includes Victon, a kpop boy group that slid under the radar for the first three years of their career. They are slowly but surely being a household name in kpop, and although for them as people may not see that, their fans see that, and because of it, it’s about time they start to take in for consideration that they now reach a larger audience outside of Asia.

For context: about a week and a half ago, Sejun posted a video on his Instagram page of him, Seungsik, and Subin dancing with a choreographer.The song they were dancing to was Toby Nwigwe’s “I Need You To”, which is a song about Breonna Taylor, an unarmed Black woman that was fatally shot in her own home earlier this year. It has caused an uproar in the media with people demanding justice for her death by convicting the police officers involved. This story was a big thing here in the United States and it’s something that is still happening here.

When Victon’s Sejun posted the Instagram video, he had taken it down immediately hours later, on the same day. Of course, the internet still had opinions and thoughts about it, how insensitive and ignorant it came across for these boys to dance to a song that had such a deeper meaning to it and no doubt many people had emailed Play M, Victon’s company, to express their outrage on this matter. Days later, Sejun came onto VLIVE, the live-streaming site for Kpop idols and K-related media, and spoke briefly about the situation and how sorry he was for not being more aware on the meaning of the song. It wasn’t greatly executed since the atmosphere of the VLIVE was more chill and laid back, which made the apology more so lackluster.

Two days later, Sejun posted a proper apology video on his personal Instagram page, Subin (who was also in the video clip) apologized on his personal Instagram story, and Seungsik apologized on the official Victon Instagram account.

Here you can find the original posts and translations of the posts:

View this post on Instagram

[#Victon Instagram Story Update] ✯ ————————————— #빅톤 #앨리스 #빅톤앨리스 #빅톤승식 #강승식 #승식 #スンシク #昇植

A post shared by ✯빅톤(Fanbase) | 앨리스✯ (@victon11.09) on Oct 26, 2020 at 7:56am PDT

View this post on Instagram

[#Sejun Instagram Story Update] ✯ ————————————— #빅톤 #앨리스 #빅톤앨리스 #빅톤세준 #임세준 #세준 #セジュン #势俊

A post shared by ✯빅톤(Fanbase) | 앨리스✯ (@victon11.09) on Oct 26, 2020 at 7:17am PDT

View this post on Instagram

[#Subin Instagram Story Update] ✯ ————————————— #빅톤 #앨리스 #빅톤앨리스 #빅톤수빈 #정수빈 #수빈 #スビン #秀彬

A post shared by ✯빅톤(Fanbase) | 앨리스✯ (@victon11.09) on Oct 26, 2020 at 7:44am PDT

Here is the real issue behind this whole thing, in my opinion…

These boys, were present with their choreographer when this video was posted; you can tell this was their choreographer because this person was the one counting them down before dancing, the one that was looking over their dancing while they did it, and if you know the group, they are clearly not one of the members of Victon. Now, I totally understand and respect that people were upset that these boys would willingly dance to a song that was made for awareness, but we have to realize that this song is in English, which these boys are not fluent in. Also, the subject matter (although some idols spoke out about the BLM movement during this time) was most likely not advertised in Southeast Asia, so even if they knew what the lyrics meant, I don’t believe they would’ve put two-and-two together and realized this song was about an actual event going on.

While as idols that are being widely popular and well-known throughout the globe (meaning they now have a solid international fanbase in a place like the United States), it is their job to now start thinking about their actions and their words on a universal scale. They are now being observed by more people; it’s not just Asia that knows their existence. Personally (and this is outside of Victon because although they are getting bigger, they aren’t on a BTS/ATEEZ level of popularity), companies need to realize that if they want to target larger audiences with their groups, they need to become aware of the issues and the culture difference that is across the world. I’m not saying that they have to know every little thing happening here in the U.S (it’s simply impossible for kpop groups to know everything happening in the countries that have huge fanbases in), I’m simply saying that in circumstances where they are given something to dance or sing to or even wear, they need to be more aware of the message they are sending to their international fans. We’ve been here with Jihyo’s Halloween costume back in 2018. We’ve been here with Hongjoong’s hairstyle in ATEEZ’s comeback during the summer. We’ve been here with so many other kpop groups and while some of them are the idol’s responsibility to learn and be more sensitive to what they say and do, we need to realize just how constructed the kpop industry is.

People dress them. People make their music. People come up with the dancing of said music. People do their hair and makeup. These idols, as sad as it many seem, are just programmed to follow the rules and their agency because it’s how they were brought up in this industry. They were trained and trainees to be this way and as debuted idols, they follow the same lifestyle.

While people are upset at Sejun for posting, Seungsik & Subin for being present in that video, and all three of them for not saying anything until people said something, it’s not their fault. I’m not even saying this because these boys are my absolute everything in this group, I’m saying this because it was the job of the choreographer to not let shit like things slip up and make their people look bad. As a company, you would think they would whatever it takes to not make their talent slip up like this, y’know?

But no one is on this choreographer for listening to this song, coming up with choreography, giving it to the boys to learn, have the boys learn it, and then thought it was a good idea for someone to come in and record it for them. No one is literally talking about how as a choreographer and a person who works within the company, it is their responsibility to know these things before they give these things to their idols.

We can’t expect kpop idols to be fully aware of the things that are happening around the world, just how we aren’t “expected” to know things that are happening in other places outside of the United States. While yes, we we do have people that can inform us and we have social media to keep us inform of the things that may be happening around the world, we may not know every little thing happening, and we aren’t expected to as shitty as that sounds. So, why do we expect those in non-Westernized entertainment industries to know? They need to be respectful and aware enough that sometimes their actions have consequences, but in this situation, it was more of their choreographer’s responsibility to have that awareness before they decide to teach their idols a lesson.

I’m in no way giving my boys in Victon an easy pass just because they are my favorite kpop group to date. I think that something should’ve been said as soon as that video was taken down and I think Sejun shouldn’t have tried to apologize through VLIVE the other day without proper PR guidance. I’m glad that these boys came out and apologized for what happened, and I really do hope that in the future, they become more aware of the fact that these things exist in the world and as someone in the public eye (whether or not they understand to what extent their popularity expands to) and that as public figures in the entertainment business, you should be cautious about the things that you post and allow yourself to do.

No, we shouldn’t cancel them, because cancelling people for having a language and cultural barrier doesn’t solve the issue at hand. What does, though, is educating their idols that there are certain songs, styles, and situations that are simply not meant to be interpreted in song or dance and are not meant to be expressed by them. Allowing your idols to educate themselves on issues like the Breonna Taylor tragedy is not just an “American” thing. It’s a human rights thing. At the end of the day, no one’s life should be jeopardized due to the color of their skin, their culture, or how they identify. This isn’t something that just happens here in the U.S; this can literally happen to anyone.

Those are the type of things our kpop idols need to be educated on.

There’s a different type of love I have for you in this friendship of ours.

We are freakishly common and in sync but also so incredibly different; I feel like I get to know new things about you every day whenever we talk and I’m always amazed to learn just how unique and different you are to what I thought you were.

For starters, I was scared of you. You already know that, but yeah, I was scared of you because you were the type of personality that seemed like it would clash with mine. You were loud and outspoken and assertive; I was quiet, shy, and immensely submissive. You engaged in conversations with me and I thought to myself, “how is this person just talking to me? Like, do they actually want to be my friend?” I don’t know how we went from strictly talking about our Victon boys, to doing watch parties every other night during the summer, to having theoretical conversations about Victon if they weren’t idols and created “AUV”, to where you are now the person I constantly talk to everyday on the phone, through video chat, wherever; for most of my day. This is just the beginning the story of how two people became best friends within two and a half months of knowing each other.

Like every friendship, there will be things that I love about you and things that make me want to knock the dumb-bitch juice out your hand and make you listen to the words coming out of my mouth. The things I love about you, though, outweigh the other things. I love how passionate and creative you are when it comes to this AUV fanfic (novel) that you are writing. You created these characters based on our boys and us and they seem to amze me on how they feel like real people. They deal with real life situations, they experience emotion that hits close to home, and might I say that my AUV self is someone that I’m aspiring to be because she’s a bad ass bitch that takes no shit from anyone! I love how we can spend hours on end theoretically talk about what is yet to happen and what’s going to come next based on what is written in paper. I love how I can guess what things are yet to come and you respond with “get out of my head, Liz!” because, again, we are motherfucking twins from another life. I love how I can get lost and join you in this universe; this happy and safe space, and read about how our lives would be like if we were just these two small girls who fell in love with Seungsik and Chan while dealing with some real life situations and problems, getting to know all these amazing characters and their different personalities and, too long didn’t read, I love how you got AUVLiz down flawlessly. To know that you’ve picked up on some of my infamous words and mannerisms and write them down on paper makes me believe that you are someone that actually listens to me when I speak, and pays attention to how I say things and the way I behave and react to certain things. It’s something that a best friend of mine has never took the time out to notice about me.

I love how whenever we are on video chat, you can constantly make me laugh. Like, stomach hurts and I can’t breathe type of laugh. It’s the type of laugh that not many people can bring out of me, and perhaps it’s just because you touch my inner beeg dumb energy and you get my dumb humor, but no matter what we are doing on video chat, you make me laugh, actually you leave me wheezing. The filters you put on during our video chats will forever leave me weak; we could honestly laugh for 5 minutes straight without any words being said. No thoughts, just laughs. I love how we can just be on video chat for hours on end, like we are doing in this very moment while I write this and you pack kpop orders, and we can just sit in silence, being each other’s company while we do whenever we got work to do. We’ll check in on each other every now and then, talk for a bit, and then continue what we were doing, again in each other’s company; being each other’s company, while we live in different states.

I love that I am able to be hella affectionate with you. I love that I can tell you to be careful and take care and that I love you when we end our calls. I love that I know that when we meet up in person in the future, we will be cuddling and holding hands and constantly hugging each other because we both are not afraid to show love to one another. I love that I can call you pretty, or beautiful, or a total hottie, and not feel weird about it or be afraid that I’m coming off a bit too flirty. I love that I can be my complete self with you and be the way I want to be with my friend, which is show platonic intimacy and value the friendships I make in this chapter of my life.

I wish, though, you saw the value in yourself the same way I and many of your friends do. I wish you saw just how much of an amazing person you are and how smart, funny, interesting, kind, and helpful you are to me and many of us. I wish you were able to see that you are a human that deserves love, that deserves happiness, and that deserves to get back what you give out to the world. I wish you were able to take care of yourself, that your body needs you to take care of it to feel better and to be as present as you can be. I wish that you would listen body cues, to relax when you need to relax and take care of yourself when your body needs you the most. I wish you weren’t so hard on yourself, that you didn’t see yourself the way that you do, that you didn’t based your decisions on your self-image and self-worth. I wish you were able to believe me when I say you’re one of the most important people in my life and I would literally be so heartbroken if anything happened to you.

I hate how much I worry about you. I hate that I constantly feel worrisome when you’re having a bad day. I hate that sometimes I don’t know the right thing to say. I hate that there will be times when I feel like the absolute worthless best friend because I won’t have the answers to your problems, that there will be things that I will not be able to give you my unbiased advice on, and that sometimes I won’t always be there to pick you up from your darkest places. I hate that sometimes that while we call each other twins and we are able to understand each other really well, there are times where I’m not able to connect with you, that there are things I won’t ever understand and won’t ever comprehend due to our different lifestyles. I hate those days and nights where we don’t feel as in sync as we typically are, and perhaps those days are just not our days, but no matter what we always end up coming back to each other, when we are ready to goof around and accompany each other’s agendas via video chat.

I want you to know that I always worry about those bad days. I worry about those days when you’re feeling absolutely worthless and hopeless, where you’re crying and you’re feeling lost and you don’t know what to do; those days scare me because of our distance. I want you to know that despite your bad days, you are never alone, that I’m always a phone call away, a message away, a video call away; I am always closer than you think, and because of that I will always keep my promise on being be your side and for always being there for you. I say that out of pure love for your being, that not only have I fallen in love with you as my best friend, but I have fallen in love with you as a human being.

At the end of the day, you are my person. You are the person I would always come to for any type of support; whether that is work support, personal life support, mental health support, literally any type of support I need I will always come to you first, because you get me. You are the person that no matter how many disagreements and no matter how many disconnections we may have on certain things, we can always set those differences aside and do what we do best for each other: be there, love, and support one another and be each other’s person to always go to if we need to. I thank you for allowing me the space that I need in you, to voice note you in a panic about my work or to cry on camera about my worries about you and myself and everything in between that my anxiety strives off of. Thank you for understand how my mental health looks like, because you deal with your own and see it to the same importance as I do. Thank you for being as present as possible and for seeing so much fucking worth in me and our friendship; it’s highkey a first and it still blows my mind to have someone that I really fucking care about care about me in the same way I do for them. It’s a feeling that I never got to experience in a friendship, so thank you for being my first best friend to allow me to feel this.

I love you, and I hope you stay safe, stay healthy, and remember that I care and love you so fucking much.

사랑해요 ~ !!

I woke up to the sound of my alarm clock reminding me to take my anxiety medication this morning. We did, after it what feels like an eternity since I actively started to take it again. My best friend, Ro, yelled at me for not taking it one night and since then, I’ve been trying my best to remember to take my medication in the morning. It was a weird day for me; today I mourn the loss of my former self, the person that I was in the last decade, the person that needed to grow and prosper and although that person is forever grateful for what they went through, they simply don’t belong in this version of my life anymore. I was reminded of the first time, on this day, so many years ago. I remember that person, what she was wearing, where she was walking home from, what fucking happened that day in school. I don’t think I’ll ever forget how the events of this day happened, but I’m allowed to let it go for my own well-being.

Being in the city today, spontaneously taking a trip with my sibling to help them find a place they’ll be going to in a couple of weeks felt refreshing. To get a metro-card, slide it into the subway station, and sit on trains that I haven’t taken (and in the direction towards the city) since August 2019 felt like I was accomplishing something. I felt like I was able to not block myself off from a part of my city because I was afraid of everything coming back. I was afraid of seeing the old version of me walking those streets, getting off those train stops, surrounding themselves in the scenery of what felt like a second home to them; I was always afraid of looking back. But here I am, taking the train to the train stop where I always got off, where I got most of my goodbye kisses, where I passed through for the last decade of my life. I took it and wlaked like nothing ever happened within that train platform.

Nevins Street. Hoyt Street. Borough Hall. Clark Street. Wall Street. Fulton Street. The train ride to our destination didn’t take too long, but taking the train nowadays always gives me a great deal of anxiety. It reminds me of the time where a man grabbed my wrist to keep me on the train when I was trying to get off on a stop that clearly wasn’t mine. It reminds me of the time when I got into the hugest fight with a partner in the middle of a subway platform and broke down in tears. It reminds me of the fact that I was stuck on an above-ground train coming home one night in a full-crowded cart. The trains were never my friend, and I now avoid them at all costs. For my sibling, though, I would try to forget and let those things go in order to help them get somewhere they needed, and if anything – I never have to ride the train again if I don’t want to. Nevertheless though, riding the train was something that I feel like real New Yorkers do. I felt like a real New Yorker today, going into the city doing city shit, the typical New Yorker shit.

I used to go into the city a lot when I was younger. When I was 17, I spent practically a week and a half traveling back and forth to Carnegie Hall for rehearsals with my choir. I remember the night of that performance, some of my choir mates and I rode the train home and started to sing on the cart. A woman and a man, who didn’t know each other whatsoever started to sing “S&M” by Rihanna with us, and might I add they slayed with their vocals. We were all in total shock; just a whole train cart of talented singers on a Sunday night.

When I was 22, I met up with a couple of my acting friends during the summer to go out for dinner. We traveled to Chinatown to this Ramen place that had possibly some of the best Ramen I’ve had in a really long time. We laughed, we took pictures and videos to post on Snapchat, and we walked through lower Manhattan through a festival happening in Little Italy. We traveled pretty much everywhere in the city; even to Times Square for Coldstone Ice Cream to end our day. It was one of the days I will forever cherish because I was at my happiest that year. Those people made my year possibly the best out of my college experience. They were my squad.

It wasn’t long until I found myself back in the train station, telling my sibling where they would need to go and what side of the train to take in order to get home the day of their test. I don’t know when or how I became one that just knew the subway line system well, but I did, and my sibling always depends on me to help them get to places in the city that they may not ever been before. I guess the fact of the matter is, I traveled the city a lot. I’ve been all over the city, all over Brooklyn, in parts of the Bronx and Queens and I mean, even Staten Island; I always loved traveling around the city because I was able to see different places other than the neighborhood I lived in. There’s so much to see in the city, and I sometimes take that for granted because I know one day I won’t be here, I might not reside in New York when I get older and live on my own, I may not have the time to see the city for what it si and how it’s constantly changing into what the world currently is. I may not be able to take a spontaneous trip to the city with my sibling to just help them out and get to a place they need to get to. I may realize that New York will always be my home, despite where I may be in the future, where I may go, live, travel; whatever I may be, I can always come back home to this city.

Despite where I may go in my life; the people that come into it, the events that happened, and the versions of myself that I was, I will always find my way back home. I will always have this body and this space where I can grow and learn in, where I can continue to be when life moves forward and I face new challenges and make new memories. Despite what happened and how I got here, I’m still here, and I need to let go of what was.

My future needs me, my past doesn’t.

I looked up at the blue sky yesterday afternoon and took this picture. I wasn’t laying down on grass or anything, but I was surrounded by the trees that were living their last days being green, sheltering me from the sun beaming too harshly on me, protecting me from anything blurring my vision.

I used to come to this park when I was 19-years-old. I wasn’t in the best place in 2013; being a freshman in college and wanting to drop out, living my life in constant fear due to death threats, and constantly thinking about every car driving by hitting me in the streets because I just didn’t want to be inside my own mind anymore. 19 was just a duplicate of 18, just not in high-school anymore.

When I felt the worst on days, I would walk 2 miles towards no destination, and then walk 2 miles back. I sometimes would walk to the dog park to watch the dogs be carefree and happy with their owners, I sometimes would walk to the bridge and sit near the water and take the view of the borough across from where I was. In the winter time, I used to walk down the blocks with the most Christmas decorations. No matter where I went, I discovered something about the neighborhood that held some beauty to my eye.

On most of my adventures, I would stop in this little park about halfway through. It’s a little park with some benches, no playground, no kids, no noise. I would come here to sit on a bench and rest for a couple of minutes; grab some water, check my phone for any messages or calls I missed, and just breathe. I don’t know why whenever I would walk that way I felt the need to stop here, but I did, almost every single walk I went on.

I remember one of the last times I came to this park. It was August 2013 and I was saying my last goodbyes to a person that I loved dearly, but needed to let go in order to prosper and take care of my own well being. While that was the last time I ever saw that person, I guess the memory of sitting with them on that bench was too hurtful to ever return there again. Life got busy, and I ultimately stopped walking.

1:16pm:

Coming back here as a 26-year-old in a new decade with practically a new life compared to my 2013 one, I sat on the bench I always sat on and watched around me. There was a couple cuddling and talking to one another, there was man reading a book, another man with his bike chugging down a water bottle, and a man playing catch with his dog. Despite everything that may be happening, the world moves forward with people doing their own thing, spending time the way they want, and I guess those other people and myself decided we wanted to spend our time being in this moment, in this park, just taking in whatever it is we need to take in for our own peace of mind.

For me, it was the fact that for a really long time, I haven’t had the time to think about myself. I’ve felt like I haven’t been able to actually think and take care of my needs, and I guess my mind and body kept telling me that I needed to slow down. Because I haven’t had the time to do the things I wanted to do, I’ve found myself losing a lot of my interest in the things that made me happy; kpop collecting, writing the blog, etc. I’ve been so mentally and physically exhausted from the constant working and appointments/tests for bariatrics surgery that I haven’t had a moment to myself and just… not be busy or think about anything else that is normally on my mind.

1:34pm:

I’ve been living in another universe a lot these days. My best friend, Ro, has been writing a “novel disguised as a fanfic”; that’s as good as I can describe it. In this universe, I am the spunky and spicy fireball of a best friend that doesn’t take shit from no one and makes sure her voice is always heard. Sure, she’s a character that is somewhat based on me, but as a writer myself, I love living in the universe of characters, and I’ve been really invested in Ro’s writing universe. During my time at the park, it give me time to have some really cool conversation with them about this universe and where they are thinking about taking the narrative and story as a whole and it was just a feeling I enjoyed a lot; it was a feeling that I didn’t want to stop feeling because it was me at my most peaceful state for a really long time.

I also found out that some of my peace stems from picture taking. These days, I am finding myself stopping in the middle of the street, randomly taking pictures of different things I found interesting or picture-worthy. Whether I’m on my way to work surrounded by campus trees and open space or I’m walking on a crowded street in Brooklyn’s Chinatown, I feel the need to capture the things I see with a camera. I’m no photographer, but I’ve been really enjoying capturing the moments I see around me.

2:17pm:

Perhaps I just want to be a little artsy and creative since being in this really long writer’s block. I’ve been putting my creative energy in taking pictures and posting them on my personal account on Instagram as a “journal entry”, sorta just going through the thoughts I may be having that particular week or something. It’s not much and it’s not a whole thought out piece like my blog, but it’s something. It’s still allowing me to create and put together word that I have to say, and if anything, that makes my voice still being heard, and me having things left to say.

Welcome to how life has been for me lately.