Breathe in, Mol. Breathe out.
I stood on the sideline backstage, watching a band perform to the audience on stage. The crowd seemed lively tonight, which made me excited but even more nervous than usual. I’ve performed in front of tons of people, so I didn’t know what made this time different. I took a deep breath and sighed it out; I guess it caught Aaron’s attention.
“Mols,” Aaron said as he walked toward me. “You good?” I nodded, faking a smile before looking back at the stage. I felt Aaron’s hand slip into the palm of mine, tugging me away from the stage. He pulls me behind a part of the curtain away from the other bands and people and looks directly in my eyes.
“You’re going to be fine,” Aaron reassures me before saying else. “You know you’re gonna kill it, you always–“
“This is different, Aaron,” I interrupted him, looking at him now. “This isn’t some 20-person vocal choir where if I mess up on a note, no one will notice.”
“No, but that’s not going to happen,” Aaron debated. “You’ve never forgotten a single note of music since I’ve met you.”
“But what if it happens tonight?” I questioned. “This is something that I’ve never done, and this is a whole new crowd of people that don’t know me and I don’t know them and–
“Breathe, Mols,” Aaron grabbed my shoulders and took in a deep breath. I mimicked him, hoping that it would help in any way possible. In a way, it did, but he could definitely tell I was still anxious. “It’s nothing that you can’t do.”
“And how do you know that?” I kept questing Aaron. “You never performed with me before–“
“But I did,” Aaron said, now interrupting me. “You don’t remember? Open House showcase earlier this year? We sang the two solo parts in the closing song?” I looked at Aaron, nearly shocked that he remembered that one performance out of the dozens we already did for vocal. That performance was one of the first that we did as a freshman class. I remember being so nervous for that performance. Being on the stage next to Aaron singing that solo felt comforting in a way I never felt before. “That was the moment I knew that you could do amazing things when you sang on stage.”
“You’re just saying that,” I said. “You have to say those things.”
“I say them because I mean them,” Aaron said as he kissed me on my forehead. “And they’re true.” I looked at Aaron and just smiled. Was it normal to be this much in love at my age? How does one even know what love feels like? Aaron smiled at me before he leaned in for a kiss. He held my hand as we walked back toward the backstage area; along the way, Xavier and Willis come running towards our direction.
“Yo,” Xavier started to say to us. “Did you realize that–“
“Alright, give it up for Child’s Playpen!” the host of the event begins to say. The audience cheers as the band gets off the stage. “Next on our roster, we have one of our regulars! She’s back to bless us with her angelic vocals! Give it up for Rina!” I walked towards the back of the stage to watch the next performer. I was nice to see another girl performing tonight where most of the people in these bands are guys. I applaud for the girl as she walks closer to the microphone.
“Mol–” I heard Aaron’s voice call out for me, but turned back around when the girl on stage started to talk.
“What’s up Victorian Hall!” The girl shouted out, which made the audience cheer just as loud. “Y’all already know who it is! But those who don’t; I’m Rina! I used to be in a band before venturing out into solo stuff, defining my sounds and recreating the image I wanted to put out. This first song was one I co-wrote a while back and performed once or twice. Anyway, I revamped it to fit my style and I hope you guys rock the fuck out!” Everyone cheered as the girl began to get ready to start her performance.
“Mol,” Aaron says again, trying to get my attention.
“Shhh,” I turned around and said before looking at the stage. The band behind the girl begins to play the song; it sounded catchy, like something I once heard or something. She finally starts to sing the lyrics of the song, looking out to the audience. I was listening to the words, seemingly knowing each and every word of the song. I was confused; did I see this girl perform this song before? She began to jump around the stage, anticipating the chorus drop, and when it finally did… my heart dropped along with it.
This… this is the same song we’re performing.
The lyrics finally click once I hear Rina sing them; it’s a send off to an ex. Aaron had told me it was about a cheating partner getting hit with karma after doing them dirty in their last relationship. I couldn’t turn around and look at Aaron; it was hurting too much to even feel him standing behind me.
“Mol,” Aaron finally said, lower than the previous times. Before any tears could come down, I quickly walked away. “Mollie, wait!”
I yanked the curtain away as I walked through it; I wanted nothing more than to hide under a rock and never be seen again. I felt my heart breaking in pieces in my body. I knew Aaron had a girlfriend before me, but I didn’t know she was a part of his band. It made me mad to even think that Aaron was using me just for his band. Maybe he didn’t really like me to begin with. It wasn’t long after that Aron came rushing through the curtain, sighing once he sees me there.
“Mollie,” Aaron began to say.
“You’re kidding, right?” I immediately spat out. “Tell me I’m being pranked or something–“
“It’s not what it looks like,” Aaron started to explain. “Rina and I wrote the song for the band; not her.”
“She still went up there and performed it, Aaron!” I shouted, angry now. “She still felt the need to take the song and perform it knowing that the band was here tonight.” I looked at Aaron; this was the first time he genuinely seemed at a lost of words. It was like he wasn’t believing the words coming out of his mouth. It was like he didn’t know what to do in this moment. “Are you not over your ex?”
“What?” Aaron quickly asked defensively.
“You heard me,” I spat back. “Are you not over your ex and the cute little band you guys used to have so you had to drag me into it and try to replace the void of yore precious Rina?”
“Do you even hear yourself?” Aaron said, now getting mad. “Do you think if that was the truth, then why did you even decide to join the band in the first place?”
“I didn’t know your ex was in your band!” I yelled out. “Why would you even teach me a song that you and your ex wrote while you two were together?”
“Because it’s one of our songs, Mol,” Aaron answered, now getting annoyed. “Is this really about the song or is this about seeing my ex at this show?”
“I wouldn’t have known she even was your ex if she didn’t perform our song.” I debated back, crossing my arms along my chest. “You think I would’ve joined your band if I knew she was the lead vocalist before me?”
“And even if you did, why would it matter?” Aaron fought back. “She’s my ex for a reason, and she left the band for the same reason–“
“So you’re telling me that you’re just going to replace the lead vocalist of your band every time you date and break up with them?” I spat out. It hurt me knowing that Aaron did not actually ask me to be in his band because he liked me or my voice or thought I was the perfect fit for the band, but because this is what he usually does.
“Mol,” Aaron simply said, seeming upset now. “I should’ve told you about Rina, yes; but to actually believe that I would do something like that to you makes me question if you really know me.”
“Did you really want me to be in your band because of me?” I simply asked, trying to hold back the tears. I wanted Aaron to make everything feel better; he usually knows what to do or say to calm me down in times like this. Who do I turn to when my source of happiness is also the source of my sadness?
“Mol,” Aaron sighed as he began to say.
“Answer the question,” I demanded. “Did you want me in your band for me, or were you just looking for a replacement for your band?” To my surprise, Aaron didn’t answer right away. I nodded, trying to keep my composure.
Before anything else was said, Xavier came rushing through the curtain, looking for us.
“Dude, we’re up in like 2 minutes,” he said to Aaron.
“Give us a second,” Aaron responded. “We’re in the middle of something right now.”
“We’re good,” I said, walking away from Aaron. “We have to be in position for the performance.”
“Mols,” Aaron called out.
“Remember to cue me in when your solo is over in the second verse,” I said to Aaron, dismissing everything that was spoken about before.
“Mollie,” Aaron said one more time before we hear the host speaking on stage.
“Alright! The last performers of the night aren’t strangers to the lounge. Give it up for Quiet Division!” The audience cheers as we all walk on stage to our positions. I wanted to be anywhere else besides being in front of all these people singing a song that Aaron and his ex wrote. I took a deep breath, trying to not let this get the best of me.
I closed my eyes before looking over at Aaron running his guitar. He quickly glances up to look at me. I remember seeing Aaron do the same thing the first time I ever saw him perform. At the time, he seemed like he knew what he was doing and he looked so genuine doing it. There was no doubt Aaron cared about his band a lot; he was passionate about it. He spoke about how much he hoped he and his band became famous in the future. At the time, it was inspirational to see someone care about their craft so much. I felt like in that moment, I was able to finally relate to someone who gets it.
“You’re talented and passionate,” Aaron said sitting across from me while we practiced in Mr. Kamalani’s room. “It’s hard to find people that have that same value in their craft.”
“Sometimes I feel like a fraud though,” I admitted, flipping through the pages of sheet music. “This isn’t my craft.”
“But you take it seriously,” Aaron added. “You’re naturally a person that works hard to be the best at what they do.”
“So, being a perfectionist?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Being a dreamer,” Aaron said. “With hard work, your dreams can come true.”
“Is that so?” I scoffed, sighing at Aaron’s cheesy speech. “What makes you believe something like that?”
“I have to if I want the band to succeed,” Aaron explained. “Just how you want your dance career to succeed.” I rolled my eyes; it was hard to believe that something that I could possibly dreamt of being can com true if I worked hard enough to achieve it.
I didn’t realize that at the time Aaron was basically telling me he’d do anything for his band to succeed, even if that meant hurting my feelings in the process.
I took a deep breath and smiled toward the crowd. “What’s up, New York City!” The crowd cheered and applaud as I spoke. “Thank you to the Oxy Lounge for having us tonight; we are Quiet Division and we’re here to put on a good fuckin’ show for you!” As the crowd applaud, I looked over to Rina in the crowd, I’m assuming with a bunch of her friends. “We have a sick set for you all, so let’s get started with the first song… something tells me you guys already know the words to this one.” I looked over at Aaron, cueing him to start the song. He looked at me for a brief moment before he began playing the starting chords. I quickly turned my head to face the microphone, trying to sing the song.
I didn’t allow this hiccup to mess me up. Even though singing isn’t truly my passion, I am generally a passionate person. I will always be the best at what I do. I started to dance around the stage, singing along to the songs and interacting with the band members to give off that rockstar aura. The lights hitting me on stage and seeing the audience dance along to the music.
“When you’re laying next to him, does he ever hold you tight, does he comfort you when you cry in the middle of the night?” I started to sing as I looked directly at Rina, letting her know that this was the way that the song is now sung. I walked over to Aaron, watching him play the guitar. He looks at me as he plays, and I couldn’t help but think just how hot he looked doing so. I wasn’t giving him the benefit of the doubt, but something about us being on stage together made everything bad that happened disappear. “I can see it in your eyes that you already know, how much it kills me to say that I told you so!” I belted the notes as the chords went into the closing chorus. I flipped my hair upwards; the waves of red made it look like a fire flame. I get on my knees to continue ad-libing the final chorus. The audience is going wild at this moment, and before I knew it, the song finished and the crowd loudly cheered. I catch my breath, taking in everything. I looked at Aaron, as he looked at me.
Maybe we are the same person. Passionate.
Letters From Liz. 