Author: liz

The Teenage Monologues: Season 2

The Day I Changed: A Mollie Monologue.

liz

I couldn’t stop reading Milo’s last text to me. I couldn’t believe Milo would say something as cruel as he did. We’ve known each other since we were babies. His decision to hit send on that last text made me question everything I knew about him. I immediately blocked his number and all of the social media accounts we’d followed each other on. Milo is fucking dead to me.

I looked down at my phone once the screen lit up on my bed. I wiped my eyes of all the tears I’ve cried because of that text. Of course, I went to the one person I knew I could trust. I picked up the phone, wiping my nose with the back of my sweater.

“Aaron,” I answered, clearly stuffy after crying. “I’m sorry for spazzing out, I–“

“Hey, it’s okay,” Aaron calmly said over the phone. “Are you okay? What happened?”

“I just,” I began to say before I felt the tears start to build up in my eyes. “I need to get out of the house for a bit. Get my mind off of things and I just really want to see you.” I couldn’t help but wipe the tears already falling down my face. “I’ve been having such a shitty day and I just–“

“Meet me at the studio,” Aaron said. “The guys are leaving in 20 minutes but I’ll stay around.” I sniffled and smiled.

“Thanks,” I simply said before hanging up the phone. I wiped my eyes and took a deep breath before opening my bedroom door to exit.

Walking down the stairs, my mom and Alex are in the kitchen putting groceries away. Alex was the first to notice me walk into the room.

“Hey, kid,” Alex greeted me. My mom turned around, still continuing to empty the grocery bags.

“Mol,” my mom called out for me. “Would you mind helping me set the table later on for dinner? Jennifer is coming over to celebrate Milo’s birthday. ” Fuck Milo.

“I was actually going to ask if I can go out for awhile, ” I asked, leaning against the doorframe. “I wanted to rehearse a couple of the songs for vocal with my friends.”

“Is Milo going with you?” my mom asked. I couldn’t help but roll my eyes every time she mentioned his name.

“No,” I quickly said. “He had made other plans.” Lies. I don’t give a shit what that loser was doing for his birthday. My mom stopped what she was doing and put her hand on her hip, now looking at me.

“Do I know these other friends?” she asked. I sighed, already annoyed that this was taking so long to do.

“Mom,” I simply said. “It’s practice for a show that’s literally in a week.”

“Let her go, babe,” Alex said to my mom. “She’s in high school now.” I looked at Alex, surprised that he was siding with me on this. My mom sighed loudly before picking up another grocery bag to continue her task.

“Just be back home before 6,” she said as she opened the cabinets. “Jennifer should be here by then.”

“Thanks,” I said as I quickly ran back upstairs to my room. I grabbed my bag from off of my bed and hurried back out to finally meet up with Aaron.

…

I looked for the studio that him and his band were practicing it. I finally see one of the doors open and his bandmates start to walk out. One of them accidentally bumps into me to which he immediately turns around.

“Oh shit, I’m sorry Mollie,” Xavier said to me. I smiled, waving it off as it being nothing. He turns around and calls out for Aaron. “Yo bro, your girl is here!”

“My girl has a name, X,” Aaron said, walking toward the front of the studio door. He smiles once he sees me. “Hey, Mols.”

“Hey, Aaron,” I simply said. Nothing else is said; Aaron looks at his bandmates, giving them a sign to leave. It looks like they get it as they start to pack their things up and leave the studio. I waved goodbye to them as Aaron closed the studio door behind them. He points to the sofa at the corner of the small studio space, gesturing me to sit down.

“So tell me what happened,” Aaron said, jumping straight to the point. “I don’t like to hear you sniffling and crying over the phone.”

“I’m sorry,” I started to say. “It’s just… I had gotten this really nasty text message and it just made me upset when I read it.”

“What did it say?” Aaron asked. I was afraid to tell him only because it involved him in a certain way. I didn’t want Aaron to get himself in trouble because of Milo. I couldn’t hide the worry in my face; he immediately knew it was bothering me. “Mols?” I didn’t want to say the words out loud; it felt dirty to actually do so. I felt defeated; I gave him my phone so that he can read the messages himself.

I see the expression visibly change on Aaron’s face has he read the messages. He was angry, most definitely, but was trying to mask it every time he saw he look at him. He sighed and handed the phone back to me. He looked down at his feet as if he couldn’t look at me anymore. It made me sad. Why does this have to be so difficult to enjoy?

“Just say it,” I said coldly, not looking at him. I can see he lifted his head up to look at me. I didn’t look back at him. “Just fucking say it–“

“What do you want me to say, Mollie?” Aaron finally said, turning his entire body to face me. I finally look up to face him.

“That I deserved it. I was the one that started the whole text thing. I should’ve just kept my mouth shut.” I started to list off all of the rational things I did wrong in this situation. “But I’ve been hurt by Milo for so long now that I couldn’t help myself. I wanted to hurt him the way he’s hurt me.”

“Why do you let someone like Milo even get to you?” Aaron asked. “Seriously, Mols. I understand that you guys have been friends since the beginning of time. But, for fuck’s sake, he is the worst example of what a best friend should be.”

“That doesn’t mean that what he does or says doesn’t hurt, Aaron,” I argued back. “Like Milo and I–“

“Milo has made it clear time and time again that he does not see the same value in you the way you do for him,” He stated. “I don’t care how much shit you give him about what’s-her-face. A guy should never tell a girl what he said to you.” At this point, I couldn’t help but start crying. The last 11 years of my life that I visibly remember were full of memories that involved Milo. We hanged out with each other every single day during summer break as kids. We went on vacations together. We stood up for each other at school. We always put each other first when our friendship was put to the test. This time feels absolutely different. This time, I don’t think we will ever be what we once were.

Aaron immediately put his arms around me and pulled me in for a hug. I couldn’t stop sobbing in Aaron’s body. I felt bad for him. He seemed to consult me more whenever Milo upsets me. It felt like I wasn’t doing anything that made him feel like I was actually his girlfriend. He lifted my head with the palm of his hands to look at me. His thumbs brush off the tears that were falling down my face.

“It’s going to be okay, Mols,” Aaron said as he looked into my eyes. “Whenever you’re upset, it makes me so angry. I’m trying my hardest to not punch Milo in the jaw for what he did.”

“If it was some random guy I’d say go for it,” I said, trying to lessen the tension of this conversation. I sighed once I realized Aaron was serious. “But it’s not even worth all the trouble it’ll cause. You’ll lose your dual major status, and I would never hear the end of it from my sister.” I looked at him before giving him a faint smile. “I appreciate your need to protect me though.” Aaron returned the gesture; faintly smiling as he let out a deep breath. I couldn’t stop looking at him in this moment.

I protect those I care about,” Aaron said in a cryptic way before looking into my eyes as well. “But you? I’m so in love with you, Mollie.” His words bubbled in me like a can of freshly opened soda. I wanted to scream it out to the world. I finally felt what love truly was. I know that there’s so much about love I still have to learn. In this moment, I felt an undeniable truth. I was also completely in love with Aaron.

He leaned in to kiss my lips and I immediately accepted it. This kiss felt different than the ones we typically share. Sure, we’ve made out before, but this felt more than just that. In a way, it felt like it was pure lust. I wanted nothing more than to feel Aaron’s skin on mine.

Jennifer always told me that you will know when our first time is meant to happen. “You will know when you’re with the right person to share that moment with. You’re not going to have that feeling with just anybody.”

I suddenly start to unzip Aaron’s hoodie as we continued to kiss. He helped by taking his arms out of the sleeves to place his hands on my face. He deepened the kiss as he grabbed the back of my neck and ran his fingers down my spine. Whoa. I get up from the sofa, breaking the kiss to stand in front of him. I looked at him sitting on the sofa as I began to take off my sweatshirt. Our eyes were locked on each other. In the heat of the moment, I sat on top of his lap, facing him to continue kissing him. I was feeling things I never felt before until I felt Aaron break up the kiss.

“Hold on,” Aaron said, catching his breath. “Are you sure you want to do this?” I looked at him, trying to not reveal just how vulnerable I was in this moment.

“Do… do you not want to do this?” I asked, looking at Aaron. He didn’t answer right away and I was beginning to feel too exposed. I was about to get off of Aaron, grab my things, and leave the studio. I’m stupid to ever misread his true intentions.

“I do,” Aaron started to answer. “More than anything, but–“

“But what?” I asked him, not letting him finish his sentence. “But you think I’m not ready or something?”

“Is this your first time doing it?” Aaron asked me, which took me back for a moment. “Is this where you want your first time to be?”

“Well, we would share our first time here together,” I try to persuade him. Aaron didn’t look convinced.

“Mols, this wouldn’t be my first time,” Aaron admitted. I looked at Aaron, surprised to what I just heard. I get up from his lap, backing away from the sofa.

“What?” I asked. I couldn’t say anything else but just that. I really wanted to ask the hard-hitting questions. Why didn’t I know this before? When was your first time? Who was it with? What made you decide that would be your first time? “What?”

“I don’t want our first time being on some dingy sofa in the studio,” Aaron explained, getting up from the seat. “I want your first time to be everything you’d imagine.”

“So, it’s true,” I said, disappointed. “I’m… I’m not your first?” I hated that my words were coming off this way. I didn’t want him to think I was saving myself for him, especially now that I knew he didn’t save himself for me. I feel so fucking stupid. I looked back at him, feeling angry more than anything now. “Why wouldn’t you tell me that you’d had sex already? Why was it this big secret?”

“We never spoke about this before,” Aaron answered, getting a bit defensive. “It wasn’t a big secret; you never asked.”

“That’s because I assumed you never had sex either!” I shouted back, reaching for my sweatshirt from the ground. “Like how are you gonna tell me moments before we do it that this isn’t your first time?”

“Mollie,” Aaron said my name in a stern way, keeping a straight face as he spoke to me. “The first time I had sex was with my girlfriend of two years. My last relationship. The one you know about.”

“Stop lying to me, Aaron,” I spat back, grabbing my things as I spoke. This was stupid for me to do. I feel so… fucking… stupid. “You’re trying to tell me you were having sex with your girlfriend in middle school?!” Aaron looked confused as if he couldn’t understand the language I was speaking in. “Were you just fucking girls behind my back these last couple of months and didn’t tell me?” His eyebrows scrunched together, visibly getting mad at me.

“Maybe if you didn’t jump to all of these conclusions, you’d allow me to speak,” Aaron spat out. “We clearly need to do more work before we both start thinking with our body parts–“

“Just fucking say it, Aaron!” I yelled out now, wanting nothing more to crawl out of my own skin and disappear. “Just say you don’t want to have sex with me because I’m inexperienced and you want someone who knows what they’re doing–“

“For fuck’s sake Mollie, I’m older than you!” Aaron admitted. “Have you thought about that possibility? I am not the same age as you!” I stood there in complete shock. I felt my heart drop to the pit of my stomach.

“You’re what?” I asked, now feeling extremely uncomfortable. I start to panic in the studio as I gathered my things to leave. “Oh my god, I can’t believe this, I can’t–“

“Mollie,” Aaron said as he grabbed my arms to look at me.

“Let go of me!” I screamed. I got out of his grasp, picking up the things I had dropped. “I can’t fucking believe you! You wouldn’t tell me something as important as you being older than me?!”

“Mols, it’s only by a year,” Aaron clarified. A year? I feel the tension leave my shoulders. God, I feel even more fucking stupid.

“A year?” I asked softly. “So… so you’re–“

“Gonna be 16 this year,” Aaron finished my sentence.

“Then how are you in all the freshman performing art class–“

“I’m a sophomore that transferred from another school, therefore placing me in those freshman classes,” Aaron further explained. “Mollie, why do you take things to the extreme without even letting me explain myself?” I don’t say anything back. I knew I fucked up and ruined what was suppose to be a memorable moment between us. I always tend to fuck everything good up.

“I understand if you want to break up with me,” I said, trying to keep my composure. “I understand if I’m too dramatic or if I freak out over the littlest of things and you honestly deserve someone that–” Before I could continue, Aaron kisses me hard on the lips; deepening it every time we both separated for air. Once we came out of the kiss, I looked at him straight in the eyes. He already was looking into mine.

“I’m sorry that we didn’t talk about this sooner,” Aaron began to say. “I didn’t expect us to move so fast like this.” Aaron placed his hand on my cheek, caressing my chin as he slowly lifted it close to his mouth. “But I meant what I said earlier, Mols. I love you.” I couldn’t stop staring into his eyes. My emotions were all over the place, and maybe that’s just because I wanted this to work out.

“I love you too, Aaron,” I gently said as I softly kissed his lips.

y2katalogue: The Tapes

Tape #26: Sight of Dopamine.

liz

Milo rushes into the band room, looking around to see if Nicki was sitting in her assigned seat. He sees the back of her head and immediately walks in her direction.

Milo: *stern* Nicki–

Milo stops once he sees Nicki is sitting with Gwen, now also looking up toward Milo.

Milo: *shy* H-hey.

Nicki: Hey, Milo; everything alright?

Milo lets out a breath before answering. He takes a quick glance at Gwen before looking over at Nicki again.

Milo: Yeah, everything’s fine.

He looks at Gwen one more time before walking away, going toward his seat. He shuts his eyes before letting out a deep breath. He open his eyes as he sees Danny walk into the class. Aggravated, he takes out his books and instrument as class begins.

…

The bell rings, which ends band class for the day. The other students start to pack their bags to leave the classroom. Milo hangs around, in which Mr. Harrison looks at him.

Mr. Harrison: Class is over, Milo…

Milo: Is it okay if I just practiced some more? It’s my lunch period and just wanted to practice this piece for the showcase…

Mr. Harrison: That’s why we have rehearsal rooms in the West Wing. I can’t keep you in here without a teacher being present.

Milo sighs as he gets up from his seat, gathering his things and leaving the room. Once he gets out of the room, he notices Gwen standing near the door.

Milo: *surprised* Gwen!

Gwen: Hey, Milo.

Milo: You were waiting for me to get out of class?

Gwen: I wanted to check on you more than anything. Are you okay?

Milo and Gwen start to walk down the hallway toward the West Wing.

Milo: Yeah, I’m okay…

Gwen: Don’t lie to me.

Milo stops in the middle of the hallway and looks at Gwen. She doesn’t budge.

Gwen: I saw how you looked at Nicki when you came into the class. You definitely looked like you were upset about something.

Milo raises an eyebrow, still looking at Gwen.

Milo: You’re right. I needed to talk to Nicki about… something.

Gwen: *questionable* Something?

Milo: Yeah. Nothing you need to worry about.

Milo smiles and starts walking again. Gwen follows Milo; he looks at her with the corner of his eye. He stops once again, which prompts Gwen to also stop.He can’t help but smile.

Gwen: What?

Milo: Nothing, I’m just… surprised you want to hang out with me involuntarily.

Gwen: *embarrassed* Oh, uhm.. I’m sorry–

Milo: You don’t need to apologize. I just figured you’d go to lunch and hang out with your friends…

Gwen looks at Milo, seeming uncomfortable. Milo takes note of Gwen’s body language.

Milo: Do you always have lunch by yourself?

Gwen: If you’re asking me if I have any other friends to eat lunch with, the answer is usually no.

Milo: *embarrassed* No, I didn’t mean it like that I–

Gwen started to giggle, which made Milo sigh in relief.

Gwen: I don’t really know a lot of the freshmen besides those in our band class. Most of other classes have upperclassmen, so I’m usually just eating lunch by myself.

Milo looks at Gwen intently as she speaks.

Gwen: Or, I’m in the West Wing. *teases* Don’t you have friends to eat lunch with?

Milo rolls his eyes and lets out a sigh.

Milo: I’m not on the best of terms with my friends right now… *looks at Gwen* They all kept this huge secret from me about my best friend and I’m just annoyed with them.

Gwen: I’m guessing that’s what you were trying to speak to Nicki about in class today.

Milo: *defeated* Yeah. Nicki and I have this friend… well, my best friend, who kept this huge secret from me and only told Nicki and her boyfriend. It just pissed me off since this girl is suppose to be my best friend–

Gwen: The other girl in your band; is she the best friend in question?

Milo nods his head. He looks at her; shocked she remembers his friend group.

Milo: Yeah. I just feel betrayed, that’s all. But, I’m glad that you were sitting with Nicki in class today… I feel like you saved me from blaming something on her that she had nothing to do with, you know?

Gwen: *shocked* Oh! Well, I’m glad I can keep you grounded.

Gwen smiles, which makes Milo smile.

Milo: Whatcha doing after school today?

Gwen: I don’t do much after school besides do my homework and practice.

Milo: *teases* Gwen, live a little! It’s the last day before spring break starts! Let’s do something after school; something that’s not related to band or school.

Gwen: *nervous* What would we even do?

Milo: Anything we want; go to the park, catch a movie or something, get a slice of pizza. It’s totally up to you.

Gwen ponders on the thought. Before she can answer, a teacher calls out to the two teens left in the hallway. They both continue to walk toward the West Wing, side by side.

Black Sheep in Society: Season 2

Black Sheep Dressed in Red: An Epilogue.

liz

The ringing in my ears intensified the longer I stood around in the alleyway. The cars passing along the streets were moving in slow motion; the horns were muffled. I couldn’t see anything clear, just two figures leaning towards me.

“Rosie?” I heard someone’s muffled voice say my name. I couldn’t move my body; everything felt numb. I slowly opened my eyes and saw two silhouettes over me. I start to panic, not knowing what was happening. Red. Red was all I saw as I looked down at my hands. I opened up my eyes, backing away from the two figures in an utter panic.

“Stop! Please! Help!” I began to scream out. The two figures try to calm me down, telling me to keep quiet and that everything was going to be alright. Nothing was ever going to be alright in these situations. I quickly got up, running past the two figures out of the alleyway.

“Rosie!” I hear another voice call out my name; a guy’s voice this time. I ran as fast as I could away from the alleyway, despite the immense amount of pain I was feeling. I didn’t care; I needed to get out of there before things got worse. I turned the corner, trying to catch my breath as I winced in pain. It was like I was coming in and out of conscious as if I was dying and being revived enough to come back to life to do nothing but feel this pain. I slid down the brick wall as my legs began to give out. I felt like I was going to die tonight.

Maybe I did. Maybe I didn’t. I couldn’t tell what was real from reality anymore. Black. Black is all I saw.

…

I power-walked down the block toward Rosie’s apartment, passing every person that was standing alongside the sidewalk. I told Dani and Tanner to stay with Rosie and call for help without making it a huge scene. Let me handle this motherfucker once and for all.

I looked for visible signs that Prescott was still around nearby. He wouldn’t be dumb enough to just leave incriminating evidence behind. I walked back upstairs, hoping her friend knew anything about Rosie beyond the point of just school. I looked in the crowd of people for this girl. I finally spot her at the corner of the room, talking to a bunch of other girls. Cutting through the crowd of people, I made my way to her friend.

“Yo!” I called out for the girl. She immediately turned around, not amused that I called her in the way I did.

“My name is Nat,” she reminded me. I nodded politely, masking the true emotions running through my mind.

“Sorry, question,” I quickly said. “Can I talk to you for a minute?” I noticed the girls look at Nat with raised eyebrows. “It’s about Rosie.” The girls turned their heads away from us, not interested in the topic of choice. Nat walked away with me from the group of girls and outside the apartment where it was quieter.

“You’re a good friend of Roe- Rosie’s, right?” I asked, trying to remain as coy as possible.

“If you mean good enough to help you get with her or something, you’re out of luck,” Nat responded. “She’s–“

“With Prescott Jones?” I finished her sentence, already knowing this piece of information. “You know she’s dating that billionaire guy, right?”

“Yeah, why?” she asked, seeming to be more annoyed than concerned.

“Did you see him here tonight?” I asked her, trying to put together the pieces of this twisted puzzle. “Did you see him come here for Rosie by any chance?”

“He was the one that took her aside,” she admitted. “Literally she came here to chat and then, like, not even 5 minutes after he came and asked if he could borrow her for a second.” I was beginning to panic, not trying to show Nat just how furious I was.

“And you haven’t seen her since?” I asked, looking at Nat directly in her eyes. She tried to read the expression on my face, confused.

“No, why?” she asked once again. I didn’t answer right away; instead I looked out from the balcony of Rosie’s apartment, hoping to see that white Porsche somewhere in the streets. “Micah?”

“Micah!” I heard a girl’s voice call out. Rosie? I walked down the stairs to see it was Dani. She looked panicked.

“You left Tanner with Rosie?” I asked, walking quickly away from the apartment toward the alleyway. Each step I made was progressively faster than the last, which led me to run the closer we got to the alleyway.

“Micah, Rosie–” I stopped immediately once I saw the white Porsche parked on the street across the alleyway. Red. Red is all I saw when turning into that alleyway.

Prescott’s back was faced toward me, looking down at the ground like he was looking for something. Red. Red is all I saw. I walked toward Prescott, unaware what was going to happen next.

“Micah!” Dani yelled out loud, which makes Prescott immediately turn around. I don’t give him a chance to react.

Black. Black is all I saw.

— End of Season 2 —

Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: The Day That Changed My Life (For the Better)

liz

It was just a typical Wednesday morning during the first week of classes. Our office was busier than usual considering the Fall semester had just started a couple of days prior. I had got into this rhythm of getting to the office earlier than everyone else after getting used to working full-time hours. It was a normal Wednesday morning until my boss came in and walked into her office, signed onto her computer, and called my name as soon as she sat down at her desk. I walked into her office and told me that all of the paperwork needed for my full-time position was approved and that I was now officially resigning my College Assistant line as of today.

Hi, my name is Liz, and August 29th, 2023 was the day that ultimately changed my life for the better.

Professionally, I was excited that I accomplished one of my goals before turning 30 just a couple of months later: be hired full-time. It was about time that I did what I needed to do in order to get a full-time position. The only thing that was holding me back was the fact that I really enjoyed the office I was working in, and the college legit was like a second home to me. It was hard to get full-time at a place that wasn’t openly offering it, so when I got the opportunity to have a line created for me in the office, of course I wanted to take it. After 8 months of constant updates and paperwork needing to be filled out, I was finally getting the full-time position I wanted. My first day as an aHEO (Assistant to Higher Education Officer) was literally spent writing my resignation letter as a College Assistant. A year later, and I am now permanently hired as an aHEO. I don’t just have a job anymore; I now have a career.

Being hired full-time in an environment that supported me and fought for me to stay in their office made me feel like I was an important piece of the puzzle in this unit. When I first started my job as a CA, it took me a couple of months to even feel secure enough to do simple tasks without asking dumb questions. Even when I was offered this full-time position at the time, I was nervous to finally carry a role that came with a responsibility that I felt like I wasn’t deserving of. Even now I deal with some level of impostor syndrome because of the higher title, but it has gotten better with experience and with time.

Something changed in me when I got hired full-time though. It was like I gained this level of confidence that I didn’t have before, as well as gain some certainty and security regarding my future. That following night after work, I went out and celebrated with my partner on possibly the most beautiful night of the entire summer. Looking back at that day now, everything else in my life began to come into place, and since then… well, I’ve been the happiest I’ve ever been in my life.

I don’t know where I would’ve been right now if I had not taken the opportunity when it came. I would’ve probably been some COA at some other college, going through all of the steps again just to find my sense in belong. Who knows; I might’ve still been in the same office working part-time, thinking about whether or not I should leave to go find full-time work elsewhere. I think a apart of me believes that once I got this position, I felt like I was able to plan other parts of my life out in a way. This position is secured for life; no matter what I will always have my job unless I decided to leave out of the company altogether. Because I felt secured professionally, I began to view other parts of my life in the same lens. Once I knew that I needed to feel that same level of security with myself as a person, everything else would fall into place.

Of course, not everything is black and white and not everything that I deal with falls in that umbrella of security. There’s always going to be things out of my control. I’m learning that I only have control in the things I know I have control over, like my thoughts, ideas, beliefs, and even the way I problem solve. I’ve wrote a blog post a couple of months ago that I needed to set boundaries with myself in the same sense I would to people that were toxic for my well-being; that still reigns true as I get older and discover that there are beliefs and actions I have to unlearn as a adult in society. Not everything is going to look like how it did for us in the way it did when our parents were growing up, and not everything is going to be concrete and solvable when you want them to be.

In a sense, I’ve learned a lot about how time works. I’ve learned that while yes, you shouldn’t wait for things to come to you if you really want them, I’ve learned that they will come to you as time passes without you even knowing. A lot of the things I’ve wanted to happen have happen not only because I’ve remain persistent in obtaining them, but I also allowed time to help me grow as a person and to mature in ways in order to handle the things I wanted out of life.

I’ve waited nearly a year to be permanently hired in this position, and God knows where it will take me this time next year. This time last year, I had no idea how to be a person in my position and felt completely unworthy of it when there were other people in the office that worked there even when I was a student myself. I had no idea where this position would take me or how it would differ to what I was doing as a CA, but I’ve allowed time to help me grow into it, and feel that sense of belonging that… well… I guess I always am looking for in life.

I don’t know where the rest of my career is heading, but I am excited to see what the future has in store for me. Now that I am hired permanently in my position, I now have some things that I can start focusing on, like potentially returning to school to get my doctorate degree.

Happy anniversary to the day that change my life for the better; here’s to many more.

The Teenage Monologues: Season 2

The Day We Changed: A Sophie Monologue.

liz

It was unseasonably warmer on this day. Perhaps the weather was being nice considering today was Milo’s birthday. I was glad to be spending the day with him after seeing how down he looked over video chat. I know that practicing our music for band would also get his mind off of things.

I walked up the steps to Milo’s house, texting him that I was downstairs. It wasn’t long until he opened the front door. He had a huge smile on his face.

“Hey, Scout,” Milo greeted me. His smile made me smile. Seeing Milo always made me smile. “Thanks for coming.”

“Of course, it’s your birthday,” I said, walking into Milo’s house. I reached in my bookbag and grabbed the small box. Milo looked confused.

“Scout,” he said as he looked at the box in my hand. “You didn’t have to get me anything.”

“I wanted to,” I said, handing the box to him. “It’s only your birthday once a year.” Milo looked at the box and slowly lift the box up. He smiled once he saw the homemade beaded bracelet.

“This is dope!” Milo said as he took the bracelet out. “You made this?” I nodded my head as he looked at me. He smiled and immediately gave me a hug. My face got really hot. “Thank you, Scout.”

“You’re welcome,” I said as I hugged him back. He gave the best hugs. We finally let each other go as Milo opened the door to the rehearsal room. Milo closed the door behind us once we both entered.

“You ready for the show next week?” Milo asked as he grabbed his binder from the bag on the ground.

“I’m always nervous about these shows,” I said, taking my violin out of its case. “I’ve accepted that the strings section always has to fight extra hard to get the audience to listen to us play.” I had to admit it; I slowly felt my passion for music slip through my fingers the more we did these performances. It’s disappointing that I’ve allowed the opinions of others really take away my love for the violin. I’m disappointed I’ve allowed my own opinions of my father ruin the violin for me.

“Hey,” Milo said before putting his hand on my shoulder. “You do know that the strings are just as important, right?”

“I guess,” I answered, getting my binder out of my bag.

“It is,” Milo sternly said. “My parents were both in the strings section when they were at Waverly.” I looked up at Milo. This is the first time hearing about this.

“Are you just saying that to make me feel better?” I asked, half teasing Milo but also being serious at the same time.

“No, I’m serious,” he continued to say, clearly telling the truth. His face was stoic. “That’s how my dad met my mom. They were both violinists in the ensemble.”

“I don’t take your father as the violinist type,” I said, trying to picture it. “And wasn’t he a dual major?”

“First of its kind at Waverly,” Milo added, sitting on the ground with his legs crossed. I followed him, also sitting on the ground across from him. “My mom wasn’t, but she was, like, the valedictorian of their grade.” I nodded my head as Milo spoke. I was always nervous whenever he spoke about his biological mum. From what he has told me in the past, his mum didn’t make it to her graduation day. She passed away just days after she had Milo.

“I bet the strings section was super popular when they were in it,” I commented, wondering how did it become what its become nowadays.

“They were the underdogs,” Milo added. “The vocal program was the most popular program at Waverly. He would always tell me how the vocal program was more so a popularity contest than talent. Jennifer was in the vocal program.”

“Isn’t she a dance teacher though?” I asked, trying to piece together the complexity of Milo’s family. Milo smirked as if I already knew the answer to my own question.

“Exactly,” Milo simply said. I leaned back as I looked at Milo. She was suppose to be a dual major too.

“So what happened?” I asked. “How did the strings go from being the best in Waverly to the laughing stock?”

“That I don’t know,” Milo started to answer. “But you have time to make it great again.” He leaned forward; it was like I saw the stars light up in his eyes when he looked at me. “You are the only girl in the string section, and you always know your music and you’re super fucking smart. Once you start believing in your abilities, more people will pay attention.”

“Is that what you do?” I asked, teasing more than seriously asking.

“Yes,” Milo answered honestly. “I honestly don’t think I’m that much greater than those in our band class and in my vocal class. Dual major is just a fancy word that means faking it ’til you make it.”

“Stop,” I immediately said. “Milo, you’re super talented. You are so deserving of your status.”

“Scout, you’re a better musician than me. Mollie’s a better vocalist than me. Shit, sometimes I believe Aaron is a better–“

“Stop,” I said, now more stern. “I will not allow you to talk down on yourself on your birthday of all days. Aren’t we all our worst critics? Why can’t we just tell ourselves the things we tell those we care about? Life would be much easier if we just accepted the fact that we are all deserving of the good things we have.” Milo smiled as I spoke. I couldn’t help but sigh and think about Milo’s words. You’re a better musician than me.

“Whatcha thinking about?” Milo asked. I shook my head, looking around as I came out of deep thought. “And don’t say nothing because I know when you’re so deep into thought that you’re literally in outer space.” I faintly smiled, still shocked that Milo has known me long enough to pick up these random things about me.

“My father was the one that encouraged me to keep playing,” I said, looking down at the ground, fidgeting with my hair. “My mum wanted me to do something more practical, like become a lawyer or a doctor or some sort of researcher. They used to bicker with each other, trying to convince the other what I should go and study as I got older.” As I spoke, I began to replay all of those moments in my head; when my family was actually whole back in the UK. “When my father went to prison, I was ultimately going to give music up. It just… reminded me too much of him and it was painful to continue doing something I used to do with him.”

“What changed your mind?” Milo asked, eyes locked onto me as I spoke. What made me change my mind? Waverly wasn’t my first choice of school despite knowing how great their performing arts programs were. I know for a fact that if my father was around when it came time to choosing high schools, Waverly would’ve been one. I would’ve practiced different level of pieces to show the admissions committee by diversity, I would’ve made sure my music was memorized, and I would’ve made auditioning for Waverly a bigger deal than I actually did. But even after all of that, what made me change my mind?

“You did,” I said out loud to Milo. “When we were doing our exit project and we went to The Den for the first time. I guess you were just so persuasive,” I added just to tease him. I laughed as he smiled.

“You auditioned for Waverly because of me?” he asked as if he didn’t believe me. I nodded my head.

“Yeah,” I softly said. “I guess in a way… you’ve helped me rediscover my love for music again. Some of my happiest moments are just sitting around with you and rehearsing. You make it feel exciting and inspirational, so it bothers me when you say that you don’t think you’re good enough because–” I stopped myself short. I looked at Milo, not realizing that he was looking directly at me as I spoke. “I think you’re more than good. You’re great.”

“That means a lot, Scout,” Milo said, smiling. I smiled back, finally letting out a deep breath. I took Milo’s music binder, flipping through the various pages of music. He got up from the ground. “So what piece do you want to practice?” He asked. I flipped through the pages, trying to see which of the songs would be best for us to practice as Milo walked over to get our instrument cases. I flipped to a page with Milo’s handwriting on it with words accompanying some music notes on a staff. “Stay for tonight / if you want to / I can show you / what my dreams are made of / as I’m dreaming of your face.” As I continued to read it, I heard Milo call out my name. “Scout?”

“Huh?” I looked up as Milo stood in front of me. He looked down at his binder and immediately tried to take it from me. “Whoa, whoa! Wait!”

“That’s nothing,” Milo quickly answered, getting red in the face.

“I didn’t ask what it was,” I said, crossing my arms along my chest. “So clearly it’s something. You write your own music?” I asked.

“Not seriously,” Milo answered, flipping away from the page. I tried to flip it back while he kept shooting me away.

“I wanna hear it!” I said excitingly. “I want to be the first to hear a Milo Kamalani original.”

“Scout, it’s really not that good,” Milo debated. “It shouldn’t have even been in this binder in the first place–“

“Milo,” I walked in front of him, now looking at his face. “From what I read before you got all ‘it’s nothing’, it was really poetic.” Milo didn’t say anything back, but he definitely was in deep thought. “Looks like you’re the one now in deep thought.” I teased. Milo snapped out of it, smiling at me.

“I… wasn’t expecting to ever sing this,” Milo said, looking down at the binder. “I don’t even know if I remember the chords; it’s been so long–“

“Then just read it to me,” I suggested. “Like a poem.” Milo took a moment to look away from me. He sighed, looking down at the binder again.

“Stay for tonight if you want to,” Milo began reciting the words. “I can show you what my dreams are made of as I’m dreaming of your face.” Milo briefly stopped and hums to himself as if he was remembering the chords to the song. He’s totally putting them together in his head. “How the hell did you ever pick me,” Milo started to read the page again; this time singing the words out loud as lyrics. “Honestly, I could sign you a song, but I don’t think words can express your beauty…” He looked up at me once more, confidently singing the lyrics, remembering how they went. “They say that love is forever; your forever is all that I need,” Milo locks his eyes with mine and it was in this moment I felt that feeling I was afraid of ever feeling again. This time, it felt right. It felt good.

The feeling that I knew I was falling hard for Milo Kamalani.

“Can’t promise that things won’t be broken, but I swear that I will never leave,” he continued to sing. “Please stay forever with me.” He sighed when he stopped, as if he was nervous about what I was going to say. To be quite honest, I didn’t have any words to say; he had summed them all up perfectly in a song that he thought wasn’t good enough for me to hear.

All I could say–or rather do– in this moment was gently kiss him.

I felt him hesitate as soon as I kissed him, but he immediately relaxed once I did. Kissing him this time around was different; it felt natural. All of the other times nearly felt like mistakes; we never spoke about them and pretended as if they never happened but this kiss felt like it was supposed to happen. I couldn’t deny how I felt about Milo anymore; I knew for a long time I liked him. But to feel this sense of possibly falling for him was scary. Maybe that’s why I pretended nothing was happening between us; maybe I knew I would fall for this boy eventually.

And eventually, it came.

Milo continued to kiss me, caressing my neck with his hand as the deep began to get deeper. I knew I should’ve stopped it before it got too intense, but I simply did not want to experience another moment when I wasn’t kissing his lips. It was intoxicating, and I felt myself wanting more the longer we kissed. I took my hoodie off, feeling hot in my skin. Milo stopped the kiss, watching me take it off. Dammit. I looked at him as he looked at me, hoping he was able to read the expression on my face: “why did you stop?”

“I’m sorry–” I quickly said, beginning to regret even getting kissing him in the first place. Before that thought even began to stick onto my brain, Milo placed his lips on mine once more, kissing me harder. His skin was hot to the touch, noticing his sweater was still on his body. I don’t know what came over me, but I wanted my hands to touch his skin and sink into it as if it was hot lava. I began to tug at his sweater to remove it, but it wasn’t long until he took the entire thing off himself. Our skin was touching, our lips were touching; what was to become of this moment?

I didn’t care. All I know is that this was as honest and open I’ve been since developing these feelings for Milo. Are we… falling for each other?

Milo’s 15th birthday was the day that we changed. It was the day that I knew I won’t ever forget, even if later in life we’d go out separate ways. It has now become a part of my story; one that I truly did not expect.

I quickly broke off the kiss once I heard the door of the rehearsal room open, which made Milo turn around. I grabbed my hoodie off from the ground, running to hide behind a pile of yoga mats at the corner.

“Dad! Jennifer! It’s not what it looks like!” Milo quickly spat out, completely now in panic mode.

y2katalogue: The Tapes

Tape #25: Bestie Backlash.

liz

Milo walks out of his house with an overnight bag; not enthusiastic whatsoever. His mother walks out of the front door, closing it behind her.

Milo: I still don’t understand why I can’t just say home–

Eloise: We had this discussion countless times already; you are too young to stay home by yourself for a week…

Milo: I’m 15, mom!

Eloise: And no 15-year-old should be left on their own for a week, and that’s that!

Milo sucked his teeth as he and his mom crossed the street and began to walk up the front steps of Jennifer’s house.

Eloise: Seriously Milo, what has gotten into you lately? You’re staying with Jennifer and her family; this isn’t the first time you done so…

Eloise knocks on the front door; Milo loudly sighs. The front door opens; Jennifer’s mom, Lydia, is the one that answers the door.

Eloise: Lydia!

The two ladies greet each other and hug.

Lydia: Where are you and your husband going this time?

Eloise: Just a quick conference in the Chicago area; we should be back in a couple of days.

Lydia looks at Milo and smiles. He politely smiles back.

Eloise: Thank you again for caring over Milo while we’re away, Lydia.

Lydia: Milo knows he’s always welcomed here.

Milo politely smiles; removing it once no one is looking. Lydia opens the door, letting Milo into the house. After saying goodbye to Eloise, Lydia closes the front door behind her.

Lydia: You can leave your bag down here for the time being; Pep is upstairs in her room.

Milo: Thank you, Lydia.

Milo turns around and walks toward the staircase, leading upstairs to the bedrooms of the house. Milo walks down the hall; to his surprise, Jennifer’s door is open. He looks into the room; Jennifer looks up from her desk and rolls her eyes, looking back at her computer.

Milo: Well hello to you too.

Milo walks into the room and sits on Jennifer’s bed. She immediately looks up at him.

Jennifer: What are you doing?

Milo: … sitting on your bed?

Jennifer: Who told you you can sit on my bed?

Milo: *confused* I always sit on your bed when I come over?

Jennifer rolls her eyes and goes back to looking at the computer. She furiously types on the keyboard.

Milo: Telling Nicki that I’m at your place and you wish I drop dead in a ditch or something?

Jennifer sighs; annoyed. She finally faces Milo and crosses her arms.

Jennifer: I don’t know who told you we were friends again; clearly we aren’t.

Milo: You really think I want to spend the next couple of days with someone that doesn’t put the same value in me as I do them?

Jennifer: *angry* Really? We’re playing that game now?

Milo: Pep, you still haven’t told me the complete truth about what happened between you and Danny, and that bothers me. It doesn’t make any sense that you would let someone like him get close to you; not only in the band, but to your other best friend?

Jennifer: Why does it matter–

Milo: *angry* Because I’m supposed to be your best friend, Pep! I’m suppose to be the one to protect you from scumbags like that! I’m suppose to have these guys fear even fucking with you because they know if they do, they have to go through me!

Jennifer: *scoffs* You think you can do all of that for me? Please, you know you’re not even the type to do all of that anyway…

Before Jennifer can turn her chair back to the computer, Milo turns it around to face him.

Milo: I’m serious, Pep. What the fuck are you hiding from me about this guy? Why are you even protecting him–

Jennifer: *angry* Just fucking drop it already!

Milo: *louder* What the fuck is the truth, Pep?

Jennifer: *screams* You wanna know, asshole?

Milo: *screams* Just fucking spit it out already–

Jennifer gets up from her seat and grabs Milo by the collar of his shirt, bunching it up into a fist.

Jennifer: Danny was the one that took me to get an abortion, douchebag.

Jennifer releases Milo and pushes him back toward her bed. Milo straightens himself out quickly.

Jennifer: You fucking happy now, Milo? Huh? Huh!

Milo: *in shock* Wait… what?

Jennifer: *angry* Will that fucking satisfy your need to be absolutely fucking annoying–

Milo: *gets up* Pep!

Jennifer and Milo look at each other for a brief moment; nothing is said.

Milo: What. The. Fuck?

Jennifer rolls her eyes and goes back to her desk.

Milo: Why the fuck didn’t you tell me this when it happened?

Jennifer: *angry* For this exact reason. You wouldn’t understand the decisions I had to make and the reasoning behind letting all of this be in the fucking past.

Milo: *speechless* You… you were pregnant?

Jennifer: *annoyed* You keep asking all these dumb questions I already told you the answers to–

Milo: *angry* So you were just going to keep that secret from me? Does Nicki know?

Jennifer doesn’t say anything back. Milo nods his head, already knowing the answer.

Milo: So, Danny knows because, well, he was there with you when it happened; and Nicki knows because if she didn’t, she wouldn’t have ever made any advances towards a guy that literally fucked you and dipped–

Jennifer: You don’t know the story–

Milo: And I’m suppose to be your best friend, the one person that wouldn’t have known anything like this if Danny didn’t mention it.

Jennifer: … Danny told you?

Milo: No, he told me to ask you to tell me the entire story before I put any judgment on him; I guess he really is some stand-up guy since he was capable of telling me some truth–

Jennifer: *angry* This had nothing to do with you, and just because you’re my “best friend” doesn’t mean you have to know everything that’s going on with me.

Milo: *angry* That’s literally the job of being a best friend! They are the one person that should know everything going on with them!

Jennifer rolls her eyes and gets up from her desk chair.

Jennifer: *scoffs* Yeah, and you’re trying to tell me I know every little thing happening in your life now?

Milo hesitates for a brief moment.

Milo: I don’t have anything to hide from you, because you’re my best friend.

Milo gets up from where he was sitting to walk towards the bedroom door.

Milo: But like I said, it seems like I’m the only one being the decent best friend in this friendship.

Milo walks out of Jennifer’s room as she slams the door shut. Milo shakes his head and begins to walk down the stairs towards the living room where his overnight bag is located.

Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: A Letter to Summer 2024.

liz

Dear Summer 2024,

As always, you teach us just how fast time can pass. It feels like it was just yesterday we were putting our light jackets and sweaters in our closets and taking out our swimsuits for the season. It feels like it was just yesterday we were telling our students and faculty to have a great summer. It feels like it was just yesterday that I was planning and looking forward to all of the things I had planned for the season. But just like time, it finally came, we experienced it, and now it’s a memory.

For me, I started off my summer checking another K-pop group off of my list to see live in concert. For context, I was actually really nervous at first to go to a TXT (Tomorrow X Together) concert considering that they are one of the more popular K-pop groups in the industry, and K-pop stans can really be intense. Needless to say, I was really excited to see these guys live, and they did not disappoint! Sure, the K-pop industry is currently saturated with different groups as the genre becomes more westernized, but there are a select few that really know how to put on a performance; TXT being one of those at the top of that list! It was also the first concert I went to that I nearly lost my voice at, which wasn’t surprising at all.

I spent my afternoons this summer going out to eat and getting drinks; particularly to celebrate the accomplishments and blessings that were coming our way. This summer, I finally got my notary license after passing the test earlier this year, and I was now further getting into the process of being hired permanently at my job, and my partner released his first ever music video to one of his original tracks! In hindsight, I saw just how different celebrations are in your 30s. For me, celebrations in my 20s were always clouded by this self-hatred and doubt I had for myself because I never felt I was deserving enough to have the things I actually worked hard for. Maturing made me realize that time simply passes by too fast to not celebrate these accomplishments, no matter how small they may be to everyone else. Yes, I’m going to celebrate the fact that I aced this second job interview after nearly stressing out about it for two weeks straight. Yes, I’m going to celebrate the fact that I got my Notary license after studying non-stop for a month straight, thinking I failed. Yes, I am also to celebrate the people around me and their accomplishments, because everyone deserves to be recognized for them as they also worked hard to achieve them.

Summer 2024 was also the first time I was able to go on a summer vacation! My partner and I went away to Atlantic City in July; it was my first time ever going to the place that nearly every person within the five boroughs has gone to. Despite me getting sick during our vacation, I had such a good time walking the boardwalk, going to the casino to win a little bit of money, getting drinks in The Quarter, and going to the outlets where we shopped ’til we dropped. It was a well needed vacation after months of working and nearly burning out because of it. I came back refreshed and recharged, ready to tackle the Fall semester that was to come.

One thing about the trip that stood out to me the most was when we were in our hotel room, relaxing after having dinner one night. We were watching all the 90s/00s sitcoms; this particular hour they played Girlfriends. Tracee Ellis Ross’ character, Joan, was experiencing a huge shift in her life; she had left her current job and broke up with her serious long-term boyfriend. She chats with her younger co-worker, who is very serious about her hot-dog food court job, about having set up these expectations for herself that nearly make up her identity. She sits her down and tells her, “Trust me, you don’t want to be 32 and never stopped to smell the roses.” Both my partner and I looked at the TV and said “Whoa”. It was real. It made me realize that this summer was truly about enjoying the simple things in life and learning how to slow down, even when time doesn’t.

This summer not only marked my one-year anniversary being in this full-time position, but it also was the marking of actually being hired permanently into it! For the last year, I was on a temporary line of the position, awaiting for HR to put together the listing for that I could officially apply for the position. After months of resume building and various job interviews that caused an acne breakout throughout the entirety of June, I was given the official news that I was being hired officially in my position! This upcoming academic year will be the first in where I am completely working in this role, so I’m a little nervous about the transition. Nevertheless, I am excited to finally be secure professionally; now it’s time to cross some other things off of my bucket list.

It was great while it lasted, Summer 2024; thank you for the memories and for allowing me to see just how important it was to enjoy the summer; both celebrating the accomplishments I worked hard for and taking some time to slow down and simply live.

Until next summer.

The "Something" Series: Season 3

Something Detrimental, Times Two: A Prologue.

liz

My mom was worried that I wouldn’t be back in time for my father’s birthday that specific year. It was like she knew that this was going to be the last one he would ever celebrate; maybe she had some sort of female intuition that none of us, including his children, had during this time. I was surrounded by piles of written document from the trail case I was working on in addition to the case study I was writing for my final project in law school. It was raining hard that particular night; it was the beginning of the seasons changing and in Korea, we would get tons of rain after the winter season covered our streets with snow. I had just finished listening to the voicemail my mom left me two days ago about my father’s birthday; she must have called while I was either in class or at the firm working on this trial case and just forgot to get back to it. These days, time is simply just a concept of passing empty space with no real grasp on it. I sighed, placing my phone down back on the desk.

Shortly after, the room of my dorm opened and in comes Shawn. He turns on the room light, which instantly makes my eyes hurt.

“Ya,” I said as I squinted my eyes. “Why would you turn on the light so abruptly like that?”

“Because the room was dark?” Shawn answered, looking at the mountains of paper on my desk and bed. “What is all of this?”

“My work,” I answered, looking back down at my documents. “I’m so close to finishing this case study and the trial case is coming to an end in a couple of days.”

“Then Kevin and I will finally have our friend back?” Shawn asked sarcastically. “We haven’t seen you all semester, Hyung.”

“This is my last semester in law school,” I looked up at Shawn. “Something that you and Kevin wouldn’t know anything about until you get there.”

“This trial case was something that you didn’t need to do,” Shawn expressed out. “You chose to be an intern for this firm while still doing your studies here.”

“If I do well on this case, I’m guaranteed a job once I graduate from here,” I tried to explain to Shawn. “You’re just going to graduate law school and then what? Mindlessly look for someone hiring lawyers?”

“I don’t know about you, but I’m actually focusing on graduating first,” Shawn scoffed, looking at the paperwork on my desk. I quickly covered it, looking up at him.

“Breach of confidentiality, Shawn,” I reminded him. “Basic rule of thumb, or haven’t you been studying for your classes?”

“Why are you even here this week?” Shawn asked without acknowledging my prior response. “Everyone went home to their families for the holiday.” Before I turned around and asked Shawn the same exact question, I quickly stop myself. I already know why Shawn is here, yet alone coming into my room unannounced. Shawn was never super close to his family, and half of that being is because his family lives hours away from the university and cannot afford to travel back and forth to visit. I don’t rub it in Shawn’s face despite him constantly rubbing things in mine; I know if it were up to him, he would have other plans to spend the holiday weekend with anyone he cares about. Most of the time, that time is in my dorm room.

“My trial case is in two days,” I explained, tidying up the papers on my desk. “I’m not going to have time to travel back and forth.”

“Yeah,” Shawn simply answered, not really sounding convincing. “Have you spoke to your family recently?”

“Yeah, I actually got to call my mom back,” I said, not thinking too much of it. “She’s been on my case about making it for my dad’s birthday.”

“How is he doing anyway?” Shawn quickly asked. I looked at him, not really wanting to answer any questions about him. “Is he doing any better?”

“Same as before,” I sighed as I answered, getting up from my desk. “My mom has been taking care of him since he refuses to get a nurse to take care of him.”

“I don’t blame him,” Shawn responded, sitting on the extra desk chair in my room. “He’s trying to be as normal as possible.”

“Yeah, I guess,” I said, dismissing the conversation. I know my father wasn’t doing so great, and my family tried to hide his worsening condition from me while being away in school. If I think about it for too long, the guilt eats me from the inside out, so I avoid thinking about it at all. I looked at my phone as I heard it vibrate on my desk. Shawn looked at it before getting up from the seat.

“I’ll leave you alone; that’s probably Seohyun calling to spend time with you this weekend,” Shawn said as he began to walk out my room. I nodded as he left. It wasn’t Seohyun; she had broken up with me two months ago after not being available for her as much as much as she needed me to. Shawn doesn’t know that; neither does Kevin. I knew it was my mom calling once again to make sure I didn’t forget about my dad’s birthday.

“Eomma,” I began to say as I answered the phone. “I swear I will make it for appa’s birthday this week; I just have to wrap up this work for school and–“

“Jaemin, it’s Lia,” my sister said over the phone. I looked at my phone screen, seeing it says my mom’s contact name. “Listen, you have to come back home.”

“Lia?” I asked, confused. “It’s everything alright? Where’s mom?”

“Jaemin,” Lia kept repeating my name. “You need to come home.”

“Lia, I will be home right after this case ends this week,” I said, gathering my papers together and putting them into my briefcase. “I’m almost done, I promise I will be home once I’m finished.” I heard the other line of my phone being called; looking at the screen, it was the law firm. “Look, I have to go, the firm is calling. Tell mom and dad I love them and I will be home soon.” I quickly hung up the phone and answered the call from the firm.

Two days later, the trial case came to an end. I had won the case for the person I was representing, which immediately secured my position at the law firm.

It was also the day my father died.

…

“Grace?” I said as I walked closer to the front of my building. She quickly got up from the steps, wiping off the dirt from her clothes.

“Hi,” she simply said. I looked at her, not really knowing what to say next. I didn’t expect Grace to show up to my apartment in Korea. I didn’t expect to see Grace again, ever.

“How did you–” I began to ask her, but quickly stopped once she began talking again.

“Your letters,” she answered as she fidgeted with her zipper on her hoodie. “Your address was on the letters you sent to me…” I almost forgot about the letters I had sent her all those years ago when we first met. She kept those letters? I simply nodded, not saying much after. I walked to the door to unlock it. I looked back to Grace, holding the door open.

“It’s getting late, you should come in,” I said. Grace would’ve normally fought with me, trying to convince me she was good on her own and that she would find her own way back home. Surprisingly, she listened this time. She walked into my apartment, passing me as I closed the door behind us.

As I took off my shoes near the door, Grace looked around the living room of my apartment.

“You have a nice place,” she commented, looking at the decor on the walls.

“Thanks,” I said, finally walking into the living room, standing there as I watched Grace walk around. “Do you want a cup of coffee, or something to eat?”

“I’m fine,” Grace answered, still looking at the pictures on my wall. She focuses on one in the middle of the wall. “Is that your nephew?” she asked as she pointed at the picture. I walked over to her, realizing what picture she was asking about.

“That’s… me,” I answered. “That’s me and that’s my father,” I pointed at the man in the picture next to me. Grace turned around, seeming embarrassed. She walked away from me; I don’t blame her as we were standing too close to each other.

“I’m sorry if I’m here unannounced,” Grace began to say. “I just…” She sighed before looking at me again. “I just didn’t have anywhere else to go.” I understood where she was coming from. I was once the lost and confused foreigner in a country I had knew nothing about. Sure, you learn about the restaurants and the shows you go to during the day, but where do you possibly go when everything and everyone is fast asleep as your mind continues to race?

“It’s fine,” I reassured her. “If anything, you’re better off being here than in some random convenience store in town.” I gestured her to sit down and make herself comfortable. She finally sat down on the couch. Nothing much was said after that.

I was always afraid talking to Grace when she’s clearly not in the greatest head space. Sometimes, it seems like Grace was always in this detrimental space, and everything in the outside world made it worse times two. I knew Grace was a complicated person with a complicated past, but how long do you hold that over someone’s head? How long do you continue to look at a person as this fragile being that you needed to be cautious about? It was clear that her family did not want to break the news about her uncle becoming ill while she was in Korea. It was clear that she didn’t know much about what was going on back in America besides the things they wanted her to know. They didn’t want anything coming in her way while she was doing the production here, just how my family didn’t want anything to hinder me from completing law school, even if that meant losing my father along the way.

“Thanks, I just need to get away from my room and Sky and just everything that was going on,” Grace said out loud, more to the air than to me. This is what Grace does: talk out loud to make everything racing in her mind make sense.

“Are you okay?” I finally asked her. She looked at me before sinking into the couch, looking up at the ceiling.

“I tried calling my dad, but he didn’t pick up,” she began to say. “Then I realized that he’s probably at work and busy–“

“But also it’s late here, so he’s going to suspect something is wrong with you,” I added. Grace looks at me. “My mother couldn’t stop calling me when she realized I called her at, like, 2 in the morning back in America. Thought I was in jail or something drastic like that.” Grace faintly laughed, shaking her head as she sat back up in her seat. Her laugh. She quickly sighed afterward.

“Sorry for how I reacted back at the hotel,” Grace said. “A part of me feels like I’m being over-dramatic like it was my own father going through this. Sahim was trying to calm me down and remind me that it wasn’t my own father going through this–“

“But it’s still your family,” I interrupted, not agreeing what Sahim made her believe. “Sure, it’s not your dad, but it’s still someone you love and care for; anyone in your shoes would’ve reacted the way you did.”

“I guess,” Grace said as she nervously rubbed her hands on her legs. “Again, I won’t be here long; I just needed a space to get my head together and–“

“Grace, it’s fine,” I continued to reassure her. “And if you need to vent, I’m here to listen if you want.” It was like everything Grace and I fought about within the last year didn’t matter anymore. Sure, we had tons of baggage that needed to be aired out and sorted out if we ever wanted to move forward with our lives, but tonight wasn’t that night. Tonight was about being a person that Grace could depend on as she worked out some of that baggage on her own.

“Don’t you have work in the morning or something?” Grace asked. I smiled thinking it was sweet of Grace to still think about others in a time like this.

“Don’t worry about me,” I simply said. “Just worry about getting some rest tonight.” I got up from the couch to grab some extra pillows and a blanket from the closet.

“I should get going then,” Grace began to get up from her seat, in which I immediately interrupted her train of thought.

“It’s late and you’re not getting in a cab at this hour,” I said in a stern voice. “I will drive you back to your hotel in the morning; as of tonight, you can crash here.”

“Jamie, I–”

“Ya,” I scolded in Korean. “I said what I said.” To my surprise, Grace didn’t fight as much as I thought she would; it’s either she finally is listening to me or she is just beyond exhausted to fight with me. Either way, she sits back down on the couch.

“Fine,” Grace said. “But we’re out of here first thing in the morning; I don’t need Sahim thinking I went AWOL or something.” I nodded, not wanting to say anything after that. “Thanks again, Jamie.”

“Of course,” I said, placing the pillows and blankets on the couch. “I’ll grab you something to sleep in.”

“I’ll just sleep in this,” Grace said as she looked down at her dress and hoodie. She looked back up at me and I guess my face said it all already. She rolled her eyes at me. “Fine.”

I smiled as I started to head upstairs to grab Grace that change of clothing.

Black Sheep in Society: Season 2

Black Sheep Seething (Part 2): A Micah Monologue.

liz

I sat in front of Dani’s floor mirror in her studio apartment, tying my hair up away from my face. Music played in the background; it was always playing whenever I would come over to their place. Dani walked out to the living room already dressed up. She looks at herself in the mirror behind me, brushing the wrinkles off of her dress.

“Damn Micah, can’t you use the bathroom mirror for this kind of stuff? I’m trying to see if these shoes match the dress,” Dani whined. I rolled my eyes, getting up from the ground and letting Dani take over the mirror.

“Who cares,” I started to say. “It’s going to be a dark room with LED lights; no one is gonna see how your dress and shoes are two different shades of blue.” I laughed as Dani nudged me. Tanner walks into the living room from the kitchen being the only one fully dressed and ready to go.

“You guys still aren’t ready?” Tanner asked us.

“Blame it on Micah,” Dani pointed out. “He just told me the blue in my shoes do not match the blue in my dress!” Dani walks away from us, slamming her bedroom door shut. I couldn’t hep but laugh as Tanner loudly sighed.

“Dude, why do you guys get on each other’s nerves?” Tanner asked.

“That’s our love language,” I teased, looking at myself in the mirror once again. “She’ll be fine though.”

“Everything is set up at Rosie’s place?” Tanner asked as he changed the subject. I sighed hearing her name, thinking about the conversation we had earlier at her place. I guess Tanner picked up on the utter excitement hearing her name. “You guys alright?”

“Yeah, yeah,” I dismissed, putting my jewelry on. “She was just being a cranky bitch earlier today.” I didn’t even feel bad calling Rosie a bitch; that’s exactly what she was when we last spoke. Tanner winced at my response.

“I wonder why all of a sudden she was acting like one,” Tanner said in a sarcastic tone. “Possibly because of that magazine that you told her about–“

“Dude, the crazy bitch bought the magazine,” I turned around, facing Tanner. “Like, why the fuck would you waste your money in buying that bullshit magazine?” I was growing angry at the conversation. I didn’t understand why she even bought it in the first place and why she was pinning it on me. You bought it, Roe; not me.

“Maybe she was afraid of it being seen out in public,” Tanner suggested.

“She bought one copy; not the entire store,” I corrected him. “She made it this huge deal when really it’s nothing. I guess power-hungry girls get like that though.” Tanner didn’t say anything back. Dani walked back into the living room with a different dress on.

“Better?” Dani asked, annoyed. She now had on this lime green plaid shirt and navy blue top, actually matching the shoes she wanted to wear.

“Cute,” I began to say. “You’re skirt is gonna glow in the dark under the black lights. Dani rolled her eyes at me, grabbing her purse from the sofa.

“Let’s just get out of here,” Dani said, opening the front door.

…

I placed my headphones over my head to hear the music that was playing throughout Rosie’s place. There were more people here than I expected; a lot of them were people that I didn’t even know went to our school. Some people were dancing and mingling throughout the apartment; some occasionally would come up t the DJ booth to request a song here and there. I didn’t even get to see Rosie yet; the only time I physically got to see her was when we got to her place prior to the party even starting. Nevertheless, the party was going good and everything was working out in our favor. After playing the final song from my first set, I faded the outro and picked up the microphone to officially welcome everyone to tonight’s party.

“What’s up, everyone!” I shouted as everyone faced the DJ booth and cheered. “I hope everyone is having a good night! I’m your DJ for the night, DJ Salem; my goal for you all is to have a good time, ladies shake some ass and fellas to dance along with them!” The ladies cheered as the guys clapped their hands. “Of course, tonight wouldn’t have been possible with my co-host, Rosie Delgado,” I pointed at Rosie, finally noticing her for the first time tonight. I immediately was taken back; Rosie’s hair was straightened, which made her hair look even longer than usual. She was wearing a tight, cocktail dress that fit in all of the right places. I didn’t even know her body even looked like that. Some people clapped for Rosie as I pointed at her. I had to clear my throat before continuing the greeting. “Let’s have a good time tonight, everyone!” The party goers cheered as I began to play a random mix on the mixer. I took the headphones off, walking towards Rosie. She had her camera strap around her neck, taking pictures of the party scene. She finally looked up from the camera as I got closer to her, sighing once she saw me.

“Hi,” Rosie said in a monotone way. “Don’t you have to do your DJ thing or something?”

“I have a mix playing,” I answered. “I just wanted to see how you were doing and–“

“If you’re asking me if I’m doing my part of the project, then you don’t have to worry,” Rosie interrupted me, lifting her camera up for a brief moment. “No need to check on me.” Rosie started to walk away from me, trying to end the conversation there.

“Wait, Rosie–“

“What?” Rosie turned around, facing me. I took a deep breath before finally speaking about the elephant in the room.

“Are we… good?” I simply asked. “I don’t like how things ended between us earlier. We were doing so good and–“

“You don’t understand, Micah,” Rosie interrupted me once again. “You think you know me so well and think we are so alike and because of that assumption, you think that whole magazine thing is just stupid.”

“Alike or not, the magazine cover is stupid,” I emphasized. “You know how many stories that tabloids have twisted about me whenever I was seen out with Kalia? You think I gave a shit about what they thought about me–“

“This is pointless,” Rosie said as she rolled her eyes. “Let’s just focus on this party and this project tonight.” Rosie walked away as she began taking more photos with her camera. I couldn’t stop looking at Rosie. I couldn’t just let this go.

“Roe,” I called out, turning around in the direction she was walking. “Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to not say anything about the magazine. For me, I didn’t see any harm in it, but that doesn’t mean you didn’t.” Rosie turned around and sighed, finally facing me.

“It’s not your fault the magazine thing even happened,” Rosie finally said in a gentle voice. “I’ll deal with it in my own way, but let’s not come for each other’s throats about it. We’re supposed to be friends.”

Rosie was right. Our friendship was at its strongest when we weren’t thinking too hard about our lives outside of it. We clearly cared about each other enough to let ourselves figure out our own lives, but I personally hated the way she would stand up for Prescott. But the things she said earlier keep replaying in my mind like a broken record… is that the person Rosie truly is? Was I trying to convince myself of Rosie being something that she clearly wasn’t? Should I just accept Rosie for what she told me?

If it meant saving my friendship with Rosie… if it meant me actually being a friend to Rosie… then I guess I have to.

“You’re right,” I said, smiling afterwards. “And as your friend, I have to tell you that you have super long fucking hair when it’s straightened, like a horse!” Rosie nudged me as I laughed, but I was glad that she laughed as well.

“At least mine doesn’t look like a mop,” Rosie teased back, ruffling my hair with her hand. I swat her hand away, rolling my eyes as she laughed. “Let’s actually enjoy this damn party.”

I grabbed Rosie by the hand and walked her over to the DJ booth with me. She seemed nervous at first but seemed excited as soon as she saw the lights on the mixer.

“I’m gonna queue the next song, and I want you to play it when you feel like it should be played,” I directed Rosie. She immediately widen her eyes, clearly very nervous.

“What if I fuck up the transition though?” she asked as she looked down at the mixer, then back at me. “What if I fuck up vibe of the party by messing this up?”

“You won’t,” I reassured her. “I’m right here if anything goes wrong.” Rosie looked at me one last time before turning her head to face the mixer. She bumps her head along to the song currently playing, putting her finger close to the queue button. I look at Rosie, placing the headphones over her head to better listen to the song. She looks so fucking cool being in the DJ booth. It wasn’t long after that she caught the beat and transitioned into the next song. The people up and dancing looked up toward the booth, bumping your heads even more along with the new song. Rosie looked excited as she took the phones off and looked at me.

“That was so badass!” Rosie said as she smiled. “I’m about to change my whole profession and become DJ Rosie!” I couldn’t help but laugh at her excitement. How could she be so cute but be the hottest girl in this party? I let the song play for longer, grabbing Rosie’s hand to guide her toward the dance floor. To my surprise, she accepted the invitation to do so. We began to dance along to the song, getting engulfed into the flashing lights and loud music. Our dancing started off as playful; just being two friends having a good time. Rosie was the one that grabbed my hands first to place it on her hips. I was thankful the lights were low during the party or else she would’ve seen just how red my face got in that moment. She had turned herself around; her back now facing me. She started to dance up on me, moving her hips side to side to the beat of the music. We started to get closer to each other, closing the gap that was between us. It was like we were the only two dancing here, as if we were just dancing alone in her house.

I immediately snapped out of it as soon as I heard the final chorus of the current song.

“Shit, the next song,” I said as I quickly ran back up the DJ booth. I scrolled through the various playlists on my laptop, queuing the perfect song to play. When the timing was right, I blended the songs and transitioned to the next song. Rosie watched me, dancing to the next song that played. She threw her hands up, dancing next to the DJ booth. I couldn’t help but smile, feeding off of her good energy in that moment.

…

I finally had the chance to catch up with Dani and Tanner as they sat in a couple of chairs at one of the corners of the room. I wrapped my arms around both of my friends, standing in between them.

“How’s my posse doing?” I asked, clearly feeling good. Dani laughed as Tanner turned around and took a good look at me.

“Dude, you’re so smacked right now,” Tanner pointed out playfully. “You high off weed, or high off of dancing all up on Rosie?”

“You and Rosie were dry-humpin’ on the dance floor?” Dani teased, laughing as soon as she asked the question.

“We were dancing,” I corrected the both of them with a smirk on my face. Tanner couldn’t help but call my bluff.

“Nah, you guys were bumping body parts for real,” Tanner teased some more. I didn’t bother to fight it anymore; that’s exactly what we were doing on the dance floor. “Speaking of your dancing queen, where is she anyway?”

“She went to talk to a couple of her friends she invited,” I answered, looking toward the direction of her friends. I scrunched my eyebrows when I noticed she wasn’t with them anymore. “Well, she was.”

“Maybe she went out for a cigarette or something,” Dani intervened. “Maybe she drank too much; that would explain why she was bumpin’ and grindin’ on you earlier.”

I don’t know why, but something felt wrong. Sure, Rosie is allowed to do whatever she wanted, but she wouldn’t just leave her own apartment. I know Rosie well enough to know that she would’ve texted me if she needed a breather. I know Rosie well enough to communicate what she was doing and where she was going if it wasn’t in sight.

“She doesn’t smoke cigs or drink alcohol,” I quicky said before I walked away from my friends, toward her one friend she was talking to before. The girl quickly turned around once she felt me tap her shoulder.

“Hi, uhm, sorry to scare you,” I began to say to the girl. “I’m Micah; Rosie’s friend. Do you know where she went? She told me she was with you.”

“I haven’t seen Rosie all night,” the girl said, looking confused. “She came by earlier to take a couple of photos, but besides that we haven’t had a conversation all night.” This girl’s response caught me completely off-guard. Rosie told me she was going to chat with her friends about an hour ago… why would she just lie to me? I looked around her apartment through the various crowds of people in her apartment. Something doesn’t feel right. I walked away from the girl to walk toward the front door. At this point, I just needed some fresh air and some quietness to try to call Rosie’s phone.

I took my phone out of my pocket and dialed her number. She never picked up; it kept ringing before it suddenly went to her voicemail. Where the fuck are you, Roe? This isn’t like you. I began to walk down her front steps, redialing her number to call her again. I sighed as it began to ring without any answer. I finally got down to the sidewalk, trying her phone one more time before I got angry at her for not checking in. The line began to ring the same time I heard a faint ringtone near me. I looked around, but the further I got away from Rosie’s apartment, the less people were outside. I ran her line again and heard the ringtone play again; this time it sound like it was a lot closer than before. I looked around, scared out of my mind that I was hearing Rosie’s own ringtone play every time I called her. I eventually saw something glowing near a tree as I ran toward it.

It was Rosie’s phone in a small camera bag. I picked up the phone; the screen was completely shattered. The camera inside of the bag was nothing more than three big, broken pieces. My eyes widen in shock.

“Rosie!” I looked up, calling out her name in the street, looking around. “Rosie!” I began to panic, thinking the absolute worst happening to her.

“Micah!” I heard a girl’s voice call out. I turned around and let out a disappointing sigh; it was Dani running down the block with Tanner. “Dude what are you doing?”

I held up Rosie’s phone and camera bag toward Dani and Tanner. No words were able to come out my mouth.

“What’s that?” Dani asked.

“Is that–” Tanner began to ask, but i began to immediately panic.

“Rosie!” I called out her name once more, louder than before. I ran in the middle of the street, calling out her name once more. Dani and Tanner start looking around the block as they try to help me track down Rosie. My breathing began to shorten; I tried my best to grasp the little air left in my lungs. I couldn’t help but think that Rosie was injured in some way or went out with some random ass stranger from the party, leading to her disappearance. Rosie, please.

“Micah!” I heard Tanner call out my name. I immediately turned around and followed his voice; he had stumbled upon an alleyway between the abandoned building Rosie lived in and the one next to it as well. I ran inside the alleyway and saw Dani standing next to Tanner. She looked horrified as Tanner mimicked that same expression. I looked at them before looking down at the ground.

It was Rosie.

y2katalogue: The Tapes

Tape #24: The Secret Life of a Teenager.

liz

Milo and Gwen enter Central Park on this particularly nice Spring day. Gwen looks around in her surroundings, worried. Milo walks facing forward without a care in the world. He turns around and notices Gwen still nervous being out of school.

Milo: First time, huh?

Gwen turns around to face Milo.

Gwen: I never missed a class while being in school. You’re a horrible influence, Milo Kamalani.

Milo smiles once he realizes Gwen is teasing him. They continue to walk further into the park, into a grassy area where they can sit and hide from potential cops, looking for teenagers cutting school.

Milo: Have you been to Central Park before?

Gwen: I don’t really stay in the city if I’m not in school.

Milo: The city is such a beautiful place though! Brooklyn is fine and all of that, but if I can live in the city, I would.

Gwen: Maybe when you make it big in the music industry, you could live in the city.

Milo: *scoffs* I doubt that…

Gwen: It’s possible! Playing at Carnegie Hall with the most prestigious orchestras around the world?

Milo takes a moment to look at Gwen, taking in her beauty.

Milo: Is that what you’re aiming for?

Gwen: Huh?

Milo: Do you hope to play at Carnegie Hall with your violin one day?

Gwen shakes her head, in disbelief.

Gwen: I… don’t think so.

Milo: Don’t doubt yourself, Gwen. You’re an amazing violinist, and if any of us gets to play with the Philharmonic in the future, it would be you.

Gwen smiles and looks at Milo.

Gwen: You’re the dual major though.

Milo: *sigh* That doesn’t mean anything to anyone besides those in Waverly.

Gwen: It’s still something to feel accomplished for. You worked hard to be in the dual major program; the first of its kind!

Milo takes one more look at Gwen; she begins to look uncomfortable.

Gwen: What?

Milo: You also work hard. You’re, like, the smartest girl in our grade. You’re gonna be able to go to any college you want when you graduate in 2010.

Gwen: I guess–

Milo: *stern* Hey.

Gwen looks at Milo.

Milo: You have to learn how to give yourself credit the way you do for others.

Gwen: It’s hard when you’re in a constant battle with yourself.

Milo: But we all are; even me, and you just said that I am more capable of performing at Carnegie Hall than you because of my dual major, but you fail to realize that they’ll pick someone like you due to your accolades. It’s all about perspective.

Gwen: *smiles* Thanks.

The two teens sit in a brief silence as a warm breeze passes through. Gwen immediately holds her head with her hand; Milo notices. Gwen anxiously looks over at Milo; they both know what is on each other’s mind.

Milo: You don’t need to talk about it if you don’t want to. It’s none of my business about what you choose to do and–

Gwen: I have to wear it.

Milo looks at Gwen, allowing her to talk.

Gwen: High school is ruthless if you don’t look a certain way.

Milo: Having long hair? You don’t need to have long hair to be considered pretty, Gwen. There’s tons of girls in Waverly that wear their hair short.

Gwen: Of course, but–

Milo: And you can always grow your hair long if you wanted to–

Gwen: Sure, but–

Milo: You shouldn’t be ashamed for not looking like all of the other girls that the guys go crazy for! You’re pretty just the way you are–

Gwen: *annoyed* Milo!

Milo is taken aback by Gwen’s shouting voice. Gwen closes her eyes and shakes her head as if she is trying to gather everything Milo blurted out to her.

Gwen: Wait… y-you think I’m pretty?

Milo: *shy* Uhm… y-yeah. *solidifies statement* I think you’re really pretty. You are pretty.

Milo’s face gets red as he talks, which makes Gwen laugh.

Gwen: Thanks, Milo.

Gwen pats Milo’s lap with her hand, again sharing another silence for a brief moment. Gwen’s face slowly disappears before letting out a sigh.

Gwen: I used to get called pretty all the time. It made me feel good about myself since I was never like the other girls that actually get asked out. They always commented on how long my hair was; comparing me to Rapunzel and all of those cliche comments. It felt good to be… seen, after years of being invisible.

Gwen plays with random strands of the black hair hanging down her shoulder.

Gwen: Then… my hair just wasn’t the same anymore. My parents had to keep cutting it shorter and shorter and I just wanted to feel seen and pretty again.

Gwen looks at her fidgeting fingers before Milo looks at her. Gwen looks at him in return as he begins to reach for the black hair. Looking at Gwen, she doesn’t fight him off. He slowly slides the wig off of Gwen’s head, revealing her short, chin-length, blonde hair. He smiles at her once it’s completely off.

Milo: You are still pretty, Gwen.

Gwen smiles and gives Milo a hug. Milo is caught off-guard but immediately returns the hug. He smiles, holding Gwen close to him.