Author: liz

The Teenage Monologues: Season 3

Frenemies Reunion: A Milo Monologue.

liz

I couldn’t focus in vocal today, and the time was dragging so it wasn’t like I was going to get out of there anytime soon. My dad kept having us rehearse this specific section in a piece that a lot of us was messing up on; not me, though. It was exhausting hearing the same section mess up the same notes for 10 minutes straight.

“Mr. Serrano,” my dad called out at Aaron. “That note is sharp, not flat. I need you to clean that note up so your section doesn’t throw off the Tenors.” I looked over at Aaron as he scribbled on his sheet music, nodding his head at my dad. I looked over to Mollie out of curiosity and, of course, she looks more stressed than Aaron does. I couldn’t help but roll my eyes as I fidgeted in place. “Class, do we need to do quartets? It looks like you guys do not know your music the week of the damn show!” my dad shouted at the class. Everyone looked frightened; I wasn’t.

The class went on and practiced the song, making the same mistakes that we all went over not too long ago. My dad stops the rehearsal and stands up from behind the piano. He looks at the class and doesn’t say a word.

“Everyone take a seat,” he calmly said. “When I call your name, please stand up; clearly you all think is is some sort of joke.” He scans the room in silence. “Quartets.” I rolled my eyes, wishing that the bell would ring to end the period. “Chelsea Steele for Alto, Aaron Serrano for Baritone, Daniel Parrilla for Bass, Milo Kamalani for Tenor, and Mollie Castro for Soprano,” my dad called out. I sighed loudly as I got up from my seat; it immediately alarmed my dad. “Problem, Mr. Kamalani?”

“I know my music,” I spat back at him. “I don’t get why you’re quizzing people that actually know their music,” I rolled my eyes as I said.

“If one of you doesn’t know your music, then all of you don’t know your music,” he responded back. “You think those in the audience can tell who knows their music if one of you are completely off-pitch? No; they judge you as a whole. Does that answer your question?” I didn’t say anything back; I was one talkback away from getting my dual majors taken from me. My dad finally stopped looking at me and faced the rest of the class. “Kyrie in D Minor.” My dad went and played the starting noted for each section. After counting us in, we all sang.

Quartets were only scary if you had absolutely no idea what your parts were in the songs. You can tell those who knew their music versus those who didn’t; those who did stood up straight and confident meanwhile those that didn’t fidgeted in their standing place. The 5 of us began singing the latter half of Mozart’s Requiem; the half where all parts sing along to different words and miraculously come together before the end. I shut my eyes as I sang, trying to focus on my part as I continue hearing Aaron’s baritone facts be slightly off-pitch in every start of each measure. Fuck.

“Stop, stop,” my dad stood up and saved. We stopped singing and looked in his direction. “It sounds like the only person who knows their music in this round are the ladies, and Mr. Parrilla,” he commented.

“I know my music,” I said out loud. “Don’t blame my mistakes for me not knowing my music when–“

“Mr. Kamalani come see me after class,” my dad dismissed. “In the meantime, you can sit down.” I sat back down in my seat, annoyed at the entire situation. I hear snickering in the row behind me. As I turned around, I see Mollie laughing and shaking her head to herself. You should be embarrassed that your boyfriend is one of the weakest links in this damn ensemble…

…

The bell rings and everyone begins to pack up for the day. I wanted nothing more than to just go home and be by myself for the night. Of course, things were easier said than done. I watched my dad silently talk to Aaron at his desk, probably to scold him about not knowing any of his music. Will his dual major status get jeopardized like how mine was, or is Aaron just forever off the hook? I looked up to see Mollie walk right past me. On some days, it hurt that we acted like we were complete strangers, especially knowing what our after-school plans used to be.

“Ms. Castro,” my dad looked up as Mollie walked by. “I need to see you once I’m done with this conversation.”

“Why?” she questioned. She seemed annoyed. “You said I knew my music and–“

“Mollie,” my dad simply said. She rolled her eyes and walked to one of the seats in the classroom. Oh, this wasn’t a vocal-related discussion. My dad dismissed Aaron, but he turned around to look at Mollie.

“Is she going to be long, Mr. Kamalani?” Aaron asked. My dad crossed his arms and sighed at the question.

“My suggestion is that you go home and practice your music, Mr. Serrano,” my dad began to say. “It’s unacceptable for a dual major to be so behind in his major’s studies.” It looks like Aaron didn’t fight it; he waved at Mollie before exiting the vocal room. Once the door closes shut, it’s like the switch goes off for all three of us.

“Seriously, Mr. Kamalani?” Mollie began to complain.

“Jennifer asked me to bring you to our house today,” my dad responded back. “Lydia and Alex aren’t going to be home until later tonight.”

“I’m 15; not 5,” Mollie pointed out as she rolled her eyes. “Just because she can’t trust her stepson being home alone doesn’t mean she can’t trust her sister–“

“What?!” I immediately shot up from my seat, completely shocked at what’s going on. “You told her?!” I yelled at my dad.

“I didn’t say anything,” my dad insisted, seeming just as confused as me. “Mollie, how do you know this?”

“Jennifer is bad at keeping secrets,” Mollie answered, leaning back in her seat. “When she’s upset, she’s like an open book.”

“Well tell your sister that she has no right telling you about my business!” I shouted directly at Mollie. “My god, are all the women in your family the same–“

“That’s enough, the both of you!” my dad shouted, hushing the both of us. “I am sick and tired of the both you constantly at each other’s heads. All you two do is fight; whether its outside of school or during class. I’m not asking you to make up, but I am demanding you fix it somehow.” I rolled my eyes and looked away from Mollie. What was there to fix? A friendship that was built on judgment and lies?

“First of all, Mollie, Jennifer has nothing to do with you staying with us for the night; your mom told her to tell me,” my dad then turned to face me. “Secondly, Milo, do not disrespect Jennifer or their family; at the end of the day, we are all considered family.”

“By law,” I scoffed, shuffling in my seat.

“By love,” my dad corrected. “The same love that you and Mollie used to have for each other before you guys got all grown and into the opposite sex.” My dad began to walk to his desk and gathered some of the papers on his desk. “I can’t tell you guys what to do; I can only hope you both do the right thing.” My dad picked up his bag and grabbed his keys from his desk. “Let’s go.” Mollie and I got up from our seats and began to walk out of the classroom, clearly not happy with the certain circumstances.

My dad opened the door to Jennifer’s studio room at the house, allowing both Mollie and I enter. It was weird being back in this room; I haven’t been in here since I got caught with Sophie in here. The mats on the corner of the room are still messed up from Sophie hiding there.

“Why are we down here?” Mollie was the first to ask. For once, I agreed with something that she said.

“We have painters upstairs,” my dad answered, putting his things down on top of the piano in the room. “Micah is in after school and the girls are with Jennifer t the studio.

“Why couldn’t I just go to the studio with her?” Mollie asked again. My dad turned around before heading towards the staircase at the back of the room.

“Because she hasn’t trusted you to go to the studio for actual dance rehearsals,” Milo responded back walking up the stairs. I couldn’t help but laugh to myself. I grabbed my books from my bookbag, completely ignoring Mollie in the rehearsal room. She took out her phone and immediately started to text someone with her keyboard sound loud and clear. Every now and then between keyboard clicks, a new message notification sound would go off. It made Mollie laugh to herself, yet it annoyed the fuck out of me. I slammed my notebook on the ground and sighed loudly. That surely grabbed Mollie’s attention.

“What’s your problem?” Mollie asked, rolling her eyes afterward.

“I’m just trying to do my homework in peace,” I said as calm as possible. “Would it be possible if you just put your phone on silent mode?”

“Whatever,” Mollie said, switching her phone to silent. I went back to doing my homework, but it wasn’t shortly after that Mollie began laughing every 5 minutes. I threw my pen into my book, getting up from my seat.

“Just because you don’t give a shit about your studies, doesn’t mean everyone else around you doesn’t either,” I confronted Mollie.

“Oh please,” Mollie said, looking down at her phone. “You’re only worried that you daddy is gonna scold you if you don’t do your homework while you’re grounded…”

“You think you just know everything, huh?” I said, closing my notebook. “You think you have all the answers in the world, and that you got everything figured out–“

“Don’t blame me because you decided you wanted to be fast with your fake girlfriend,” Mollie pointed out, raising an eyebrow. “Like, really Milo? That’s low, even for you.”

“I don’t know what Jennifer told you, but clearly you heard things wrong,” I corrected Mollie, trying to gain back the narrative. “I didn’t do anything with Sophie–“

“Yeah, keep telling yourself that, Mr. “Making Out and Dry Humping”, Mollie laughed as she turned around in her seat. If there’s one thing I’m not going to tolerate it’s Mollie thinking she knew everything. I got up from where I was sitting and turned her chair around. She definitely didn’t like that. “The fuck is wrong with you?”

“The fuck is wrong with you?” I repeated back. “You’re so invested in what Sophie and I are doing; is Aaron not satisfying your needs anymore?” I mocked her, giving her a taste of her own medicine. “Can’t get it up or something?”

“Unlike you, Aaron respects me enough to take things slow,” Mollie rolled her eyes. “You, on the other hand, view Sophie as this piece of meat, you just are dying to try her out–“

“You don’t know shit, Mollie,” I spat back, walking away from her. “You swear that you have me figured out when in reality, you are just as clueless as you are with your actual relationship.” I turned around to look at Mollie in the face this time. “Why don’t you help your dual major boyfriend remember the correct notes in our music.”

“Like you’re the perfect vocalist,” Mollie commented. “From what I remember, you also didn’t hit the correct nots in quartets either.”

“That was because your stupid boyfriend kept throwing off the rest of our section,” I snapped back, feeling extremely defensive. “Like I said, you need to be helping him with his music so that he doesn’t ruin it for the rest of us–“

“You know what, Milo?” Mollie spun in her heat and shouted. “I don’t have to prove anything to you, and I don’t have to engage in your pathetic clapback just because you think you have the upper-hand in this situation. The fact of the matter is that you’re mad that I found out about your stupid fucking decision and are only mad because you know it was fucking stupid!”

“I’m mad because out of all of the people in this world, you think you are entitled enough to judge me when you’re in a relationship with a well-known womanizing asshole!”

“Don’t talk about him like that!” she shouted at me.

“Don’t talk about Sophie like that!” I spat back at her. At this point, my blood was boiling. It was confirmed long ago that Mollie and I can’t ever be friends; I wanted nothing more than for Mollie to get out of my face and out of my life for good. “Honestly, Mol; just got the fuck out of my face.”

“Fuck you, Milo,” Mollie hissed back, grabbing her things and walking towards the door of the rehearsal room. I sighed, watching her stomp with each step towards the door.

“Mol,” I began to say. She quickly turns around, visibly angry.

“I’m mad because you let Aaron and Sophie get in between pf our friendship. I was okay when you told me that you liked Sophie last year and for your sake I pushed how I felt about her to the side! But the way you feel about Aaron make you believe that because he doesn’t like you and you have some dual major competition beef with him, you think I dated him out of spite and completely disregarded my feelings for him. You know I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you on purpose. You know the only time I am spiteful is if I feel you’re being spiteful with me, and even then we would always work it out in the end–” I couldn’t let Mollie finish, because I already knew where this conversation was going.

“You’re not the saint in this situation,” I simply said, crossing my arms along my chest. “In fact, you hid your relationship with Aaron because even in the slightest way, you were doing it out of spite. You knew that I thought he was a bad person; you’ve been in our classes when he literally called me out in front of the whole vocal ensemble! Even in the timespan you began to date him, you never stopped him from bullying me or supported me when my dual major status was suspended because of him. Yeah, we both fucked up, but let’s be honest about the true nature of this situation.” Mollie put her hands on her face, taking a deep breath before looking back up. She seemed tired.

“You know, just put the blame on me,” Mollie concluded. “Just tell everyone that I’m the reason why our friendship didn’t work out. I’ve exhausted nearly every single thing, and we’re still talking in circles about this dumb shit.” Mollie shook her head and began to open the front door. “Think whatever you want to think. I don’t give a shit anymore.” She closed the door behind her as she left. I thought I would feel better knowing Mollie finally apologized for something, but I didn’t feel good afterward. She seemed like she was truly done with our friendship; she didn’t want to talk things out or fight for our friendship; she just seemed like our friendship wasn’t worth it to at least try to get over our differences. She just seemed like she didn’t want to care anymore.

And maybe that was enough for me to also just stopped caring. Maybe we weren’t meant to stay best friends as we got older. Maybe we were now the type of people to each other that we didn’t want in our lives anymore.

Maybe this is truly it.

y2katalogue: The Tapes

Tape #29: Conflict of Dual Interest.

liz

The bell rings at Waverly High and the students begin to go to their next class of the day. Milo takes out a huge binder from his locker; Jennifer looks at the binder in shock.

Jennifer: Dude, do they have you guys playing The Ten Commandments or something?

Milo: *confused* The Ten Commandments is not a piece of music; you do know that, right?

Jennifer: Well your binder looks as big as the book itself.

Nicki: *intervenes* Pep, The Ten Commandments is roughly about 210 pages; perhaps you are talking about Tolstoy’s War And Peace?

Jennifer: *confused* Toy Story?

Nicki: *disbelief* Leo Tolstoy, author of War and Peace…

Jennifer doesn’t seem to understand; Nicki sighs and looks at Milo, pointing at the binder.

Nicki: Is that binder all for one class, Milo?

Milo: It’s my dual major binder. I don’t bother carrying it around anymore because it’s literally like walking with a brick inside my bookbag.

Jennifer: Why don’t you just have two separate binders for each major?

Milo: Because I never know if I’m going to need both pieces of music for a rehearsal!

Jennifer rolls her eyes and Nicki takes out her binder from her locker; it’s noticeably smaller than Milo’s.

Jennifer: That is a reasonable sized binder; look what you could be potentially be bringing to your band class compared to the cinderblock you currently have.

Milo: *deadpans* Haha.

The bell rings and the friends say their goodbyes; Nicki and Milo walk to the band room at the end of the hall.

Nicki: I’m glad to see you and Pep on good terms after all this time.

Milo: Yeah, you know how I feel about Pep. I don’t like being mad at her for too long.

Nicki stops mid-walk; Milo follows.

Nicki: Don’t let that cloud your judgment either, Milo.

Milo: Whatcha mean?

Nicki: I mean don’t be so intense when it comes to Pep. You already know that she’s gonna do whatever she pleases and you can’t let that mess up your mood or your friendship with her.

Milo: *sighs* I know, Nic. I just wish sometimes she had better judgment so that I’m not out here running around like a chicken with its head cut off.

Nicki: Be her friend, Milo, not her guardian.

Milo: Easier said than done, Nicki.

Nicki: I’m just saying that Pep is never going to change her ways; you of all people should know this.

Both teens walk into the band room as their bandmates get ready for the period to start. Milo glances over to Gwen; he waves at her as she waves back. Nicki observes the two.

Nicki: You and Gwen are friends?

Milo: *nervous* Uhm… yeah, we both recognized each other from band when we were put into the same Biology class too.

Nicki: Oh. That’s… interesting.

Milo turns his head to now look at Nicki; confused.

Milo: What?

Nicki: Nothing, it’s just that she’s… not a girl any of the freshman would be in classes with. She’s the smartest person in our grade.

Milo: *annoyed* What’s that suppose to mean?

Nicki: Exactly what I meant; you’re probably in the wrong Biology class if you’re taking it with her.

Milo rolled her eyes as the two teens went to their sections of the class. Milo sits next to Gwen, again smiling at her.

Milo: Nice hat, Gwen.

Gwen: Thanks; the fluffy scrunchie adds some volume to your hair.

Gwen laughs as she teases Milo.

Milo: How’s your day been so far?

Gwen: Well, I have a midterm in my Math B class tomorrow and the review was… unendurable, to say the least.

Milo: Sheesh, Math B sounds like it’s no joke–

Gwen: *teases* You can borrow my notes when it’s your turn to take it.

Milo: At least I know I’ll pass.

Gwen rolled her eyes and shook her head.

Milo: Whatcha doing after school today? Well, besides studying for your midterm.

Gwen: Well, something tells me you’re looking to hang before I drown myself in my studies.

Milo smiles at Gwen’s cheeky remark. The teacher quiets the class down before he starts his class.

Mr. Harrison: Good afternoon, everyone. Before we start today’s class, please remember to have your permission slips for the philharmonic performance no longer than Friday. We are leaving for the performance the following morning and will not be taking anyone with a permission slip in their hands the day of.

Milo looks at Gwen, focusing on what the teacher is talking about. Milo decided to do the same.

Mr. Harrison: Of course, you are not obligated to participate in this performance. As a freshman class, you are allowed one show that you choose to not attend; only one. If you are thinking about not attending, come see me after class.

Milo: *to Gwen; whispers* You’re gonna go?

Gwen nods her head.

Gwen: I already gave Mr. Harrison my permission slip.

Milo cocks his eyebrows up, surprised that Gwen is on top of things. He looks at his unsigned permission slip still in his binder.

Mr. Harrison: Those who are dual majors; this is your reminder that you must be present for today’s rehearsal after school with the vocal program.

Milo sighed as he writes a reminder down in his notebook. Gwen notices.

Gwen: Dual major duty calls.

Milo: Of course when I finally decide to make plans after school…

Gwen tussles Milo’s hair.

Gwen: You have to do what you have to do. We can reschedule for another day.

Milo turns around to look at Gwen. She reassures him with a smile. He returns the smile. Looking from the back of the classroom, Nicki notices the two teen’s banter.

The Teenage Monologues: Season 3

Milo’s Skeletons in The Vocal Room: A Mollie Monologue.

liz

I couldn’t stay awake today in school. I haven’t been able to stay asleep through the night, especially after everything that happened in the studio with Aaron a couple of weeks ago.

“We’re okay, Mols?” Aaron stopped and asked me after closing the studio door shut. I faintly flashed a smile, hoping that was enough for him to drop the conversation. Aaron returned the smile back; he either didn’t want to get into it with me, or he really thought I was alright. Either way, he kissed me gently on the top of my hand, the opposite of what happened inside the studio not too long ago.

“I love you, you know that right?” Aaron said after kissing my hand. I nodded my head.

“I love you too,” I said to Aaron.

“Mols? Mollie? Mollie Sue?”

“Mollie Sue Castro?” I heard a voice shout out. I looked up, noticing everyone in my class look at me. I looked up at the teacher who’s looking at me. Fuck.

…

During passing, I opened my locker and looked at myself through my compact mirror. I look horrible today. I reached into my makeup bag to put some sort of color on my face when I heard someone call my name.

“Hey Mollie,” Ronnie walked over to me and said. She looks at the little bag in my hand. “Touching up your lip gloss after a make out session?”

“Shut up, Ron,” I said, rolling my eyes. “I didn’t even see Aaron today.”

“You guys good?” Ronnie asked, clearly concerned. “You guys are inseparable.”

“I just didn’t see him today, okay?” I said, now looking at Ronnie. “Maybe he’s not in school today.”

“He was in band class today,” Ronnie commented. “The first time in forever it seems like…” I put my makeup back in my bag and shoved it into my locker. I grabbed my binder for my vocal class and shut my locker closed.

“I don’t have time for your condescending conversation,” I said to Ronnie. “I get it enough from Milo; I don’t need another person doing that shit.”

“Yet you and Milo are still friends,” Ronnie pointed out, rolling her eyes.

“We’re not friends,” I said to Ronnie for what seemed like the 1,000th time. “My dumb older sister is married to his dad.”

“But you still allow his words to get to you,” Ronnie emphasized. “You’re not obligated to ever talk to him just because your family and his are connected.” The bell began to ring, which meant it was time to start the next class. I don’t respond to Ronnie; I walked away from her and my locker with my binder to go to my last class of the room.

My locker wasn’t too far from the vocal room, so I ended up being one of the first to get there… of course when I’m not hanging out with Aaron. I walked into the room to see Mr. Kamalani at his desk. He looks up before looking down again at the papers in front of his desk.

“Good Afternoon, Ms. Castro,” he greeted me.

“Hi,” I simply said, walking to my seat to drop my binder on the desk. I turned around with my bag and coat, walking to the closet to hang my things up. Mr. Kamalani had everyone in his class put their things in the closet when it was time for a serious rehearsal; he ran rehearsal time like it was boot camp at times. But, there’s a method to his madness.

I walked into the closet to hang up my things when I heard Mr. Kamalani greet another student; this time, it was Milo.

“Good afternoon, Mr. Kamalani,” he said. I heard Milo’s voice speak afterwards.

“Whatever,” Milo responded back.

“It’s just another day of class, Milo,” Mr. Kamalani said. This was the first time I heard him call Milo by his first name in class.

“Did you know I was on my way because of the AirTag or something?” Milo said.

“No, I trust you to do the right thing while you’re in school,” Mr. Kamalani responded back. “Just how I trust that you went to the West Wing today to actually practice your music.”

“What else would I have done there?” Milo asked.

“Meet up with Sophie, as you always do,” Mr. Kamalani said in a nonchalant way. I didn’t hear Milo say anything back. “I can’t look after everything little thing you do.”

“I wasn’t with Sophie,” Milo said back.

“I’m not fighting with you about this, Milo,” Mr. Kamalani said in a stern voice. “You’re bound to make your own decisions; just know that you’re making poor ones after what happened with Sophie back at the house.” I scrunched my eyebrows, curious to what they were talking about. What happened between Milo and Sophie?

“Thanks to you and Jennifer, she’s terrified to even be seen with me,” Milo spat back. Jennifer?

“You both shouldn’t have been alone in the house when we were there; you know I cannot control Jennifer and what she says,” Mr. Kamalani said back.

“We were there to practice!” Milo shouted out.

“Milo Kamalani, I am not about to have this conversation with you again; especially at school,” Mr. Kamalani nearly whispered once the second bell rang. “The fact of the matter is we found you and Sophie in the studio, making out with barely nothing on. You can’t be upset if our eyes are on you and Sophie now.” My eyes widened as I listened to the conversation. Milo and Sophie… did it?

I didn’t know what to feel after hearing their conversation. It made me upset in a way; the Milo I knew wouldn’t have done something so stupid for a girl. But, this was Sophie, and I knew that Sophie has always been bad news. Milo wouldn’t be the person he is today if Sophie didn’t get to him. I snapped out of it once I started to hear more of our choir mates walk into the classroom. I ran back to my bag and coat and blended in with everyone else coming into the closet. From the side of my eye, I see Milo walk into the closet, hanging his coat and bag on one of the hooks.

“I need everyone out and in their position in 5 minutes,” Mr. Kamalani shouted inside the closet. I looked over to Milo, clearly upset with the conversation he just had with his dad. I couldn’t help but just look at Milo. Is this who he truly was? Is this the person I called my best friend for all these years? How could Milo accuse me of doing things with Aaron as he was doing them with Sophie this whole time? He lost his virginity before I did, and with a person he can’t even call his girlfriend.

I simply walked past him, looking away as if I didn’t just witness Milo’s skeletons being pulled out from the vocal classroom.

The "Something" Series: Season 3

Something For The Road: A Grace Monologue.

liz

I was getting frustrated the longer it took me to look for an outfit to wear. Korea is in this weird “in-between” weather phase where it’s still warm during the day but freezing cold at night. Couldn’t Sahim and I just done for an early dinner? I kept tossing everything that I thought was a good pick toward my bed, not really knowing if I was actually going to wear it or not.

I heard a knock on my hotel door, which made me immediately panic. I wasn’t dressed yet, I had just finished my makeup and rolling up my hair; this was a disaster.

“I’m not ready yet!” I shouted as I ran toward the door. I opened the door and to my surprise, it was Aimee. “Aimee?”

“Well hi to you too,” she teased as she responded. I opened the door as I let her inside my room. “Thought I was Sahim or something?”

“That’s exactly who I thought you were,” I said, walking back toward my closet. Aimee followed me and sat in the chair across from me.

“Oh? Did you guys make up, or is the making up part happening later tonight?” Aimee laughed as she said. I looked over at her and rolled my eyes. It’s never a day that Aimee doesn’t turn everything into an innuendo. “That voicemail you left me that night made it sound like you guys got into this huge fight.”

“I’m dramatic; what can I say,” I said, trying to dismiss the conversation. I tried to call Aimee the night that I told Sahim about Jamie. Of course, I was only going to tell her about what happened with Skylar and I, but I vaguely remembered only mentioning that Sahim and I got into this huge fight.

“Mhm,” Aimee responded; clearly not believing a word I was saying. “And now you’re just going out with him like nothing was wrong?”

“It’s called ‘talking things out and being an adult about it'”, I said in a snarky way. “Why stay mad at each other while we’re in this beautiful country in which we leave in less than 4 months from now?”

“I guess that one way to stay delusional,” Aimee spat back before adjusting in her seat. “I just don’t want you getting hurt again. I may not have known you when you were in your last relationship with your ex-fiancé, but it doesn’t mean I can’t look out for you now.”

“I appreciate it, but I really am okay, Aimee,” I reassured her, mainly to reassure myself in the end. “Sahim isn’t like any other guy I dated. He’s a good guy.”

“I can tell,” Aimee said as she got up from her seat and toward the mountain of clothes on my bed. “If he wasn’t worth it, you wouldn’t be stressing about what to wear for a casual date with a man that’s already yours.” I rolled my eyes at Aimee and her cringe statement. I looked down at the bed with all of the clothes that were once organized in my closet. I sighed, finally picking up something to wear for this date. I looked over at Aimee, who now has a grin of approval on her face.

…

Sahim and I entered the hotpot place, walking towards the table that our waitress is guiding us towards. Sahim pulls out the seat for me before I sit down; he then sits in the seat across from me. His contagious smile never leaves his face. He’s too cute for words.

“Thank you,” I said in Korean as I politely bowed. Sahim quickly did the same after seeing me do the gesture. I looked at the menu before looking back up. I couldn’t help but giggle as Sahim struggled to read the menu. He looked up at me once he heard me.

“What’s so funny?” Sahim asked, placing the menu down on the table.

“I still find it funny that all this time being here, you haven’t grasped some of the language yet,” I teased. Sahim smiled as he rolled his eyes. Hot.

“All this time, I’ve been hanging out with Ms. Duolingo here,” Sahim teased back, cocking up an eyebrow. “I didn’t need to learn much of it.” Now I’m the one rolling my eyes as I smile.

“Well, knowing you, I think you’d like this,” I said as I leaned forward, pointing at one of the pictures. “We order a side of that, as well as the garnish pieces and just eat how much we can.”

“No dessert tonight?” Sahim looked up at me with a grin on his face. I looked down at him, smiling back.

“Room service,” I flirted back, sitting back down in my seat. Sahim let out this huge laugh and nodded his head, looking back down at the menu. The waitress came back with two glasses of water and her notepad and pen in hand; she seemed nervous to serve us tonight.

“Hi,” I greeted the waitress. She bowed and said hi back, surprisingly in English. She pointed at the menus, indicating if we were ready to order. I nodded and began to read back the order to the waitress. She seemed shocked at the amount of words I knew to express in Korean. She smiled as she bowed and walked away. I looked at Sahim who was staring at me intently.

“That was sexy,” Sahim commented as I drank from my glass of water. I definitely dribbled some of it from laughing.

“Stop,” I laughed as I said, wiping my mouth with my napkin. “I took way too long to even pick out this outfit.”

“You might have to change if too much water gets spilled on it,” Sahim flirted back. I raised an eyebrow to him. My face definitely feels hot. The waitress comes back to our table with the garnishes and meat that we ordered. In an instant, the pot in the middle of the table turns on, which shocks both Sahim and I. Without realizing, we both started to clap as if the waitress just performed some magic trick for us. Once the waitress left, Sahim started to laugh as I held my head down in shame.

It wasn’t long after that Sahim and I began to eat. It was sweet when he would prepare the food in the pot and serve it on my plate… even if he struggled for the first couple of pieces of meat. Nevertheless, dinner was going well for the both of us. But, I didn’t let my guard down too far; I’ve learned to never do that when things feel too good to be true.

Sahim’s body shifted toward me before he spoke. He rubbed his mouth, clearly perplexed at what to say to me. I know he’s going to ask about the other night. I know that it’s been bothering him since it was first brought up. He looked at me before saying anything. I hate when people looked at me like this.

“What’s going on?” I finally asked, just wanting him to rip the bandage off already.

“Grace,” Sahim began to say. “Have… you thought about what you’re doing after the production is over?” Huh?

“What?” I quickly responded. This definitely wasn’t what I thought Sahim was going to bring up.

“Have you thought about what life is going to look like once we leave Korea?” Sahim asked again.

“I… haven’t to be honest,” I answered, still feeling confused. “I haven’t had much time to really think about it. I’ve been occupied with rehearsing the choreography for these new pieces.” I looked at him briefly. “Have you given some thought to it?”

“Somewhat,” Sahim answered, looking down at the table. “Some days it’s exciting to think about getting some normalcy back into my everyday life… others, it’s scary to think what that will look like once this is all over.” I nodded my head as he spoke; in a way, I could understand where he was coming from. For the past 8 months, this has what our lives have been; this is what we’ve adapted to since being here. I’m grateful for the opportunity to be doing something that my teenage self could only dream for, but I never thought abut what happens next once it all comes o an end. Did Mom go though this when she did the production too?

“I mean,” I began to say as I shifted in my seat, now seeming uncomfortable. “I’d just probably go back to New York, see my family, maybe take my daughter on a little vacation or something,” I looked at him, smiling as I spoke. “She’s going to want to hear all the stories of the dance production when I get back.”

“Is she also interested in dance?” Sahim asked.

“She’s starting to show some interest in it,” I answered, sighing afterwards. “She likes other things more, but her father has expressed that she’s been interested in dance ever since watching the production’s opening show.”

“She knows her mom is one of the best,” Sahim mentioned. I rolled my eyes, clearly not agreeing with him.

“My mother was much better than me,” I stated. “I didn’t know much about her growing up, but my dad showed me videos of her dancing when they were teenagers and she was crazy talented. I guess in a way, without really knowing much about her, that I wanted to be like her when I grew up.” I was sullen at the thought. I remember those nights in Virginia growing up when I would ask my dad if I could see another video of mom dancing. I remember how mesmerizing it was to see her on stage in a sparkly dance outfit as the glitter reflected off from the lights. I wonder if Willow feels the same thing when she sees me dance. I wonder if this is just now a never-ending cycle.

“Well I’m sure that your daughter thinks you’re the coolest mom ever dancing on television,” Sahim commented, smiling afterwards. I looked at him and smiled at him. Thinking about the future was scary; the truth was I had absolutely no idea what was going to happen once the production ends. Sure, I leave this country and go back to New Yourk, but what happens after that? Do I go back teaching at the academy? Do I retire being a dancer? Should I go back to being a lawyer? Do I just repeat this vicious cycle until I feel some level of satisfaction? In this moment, I didn’t know what the future has in store for me, but looking at Sahim makes me feel okay in the moment.

“I hope you’d come to New York and meet her one day,” I said as I smiled. He smiled at the suggestion before letting out a sigh. What was that about? The waitress came by our table with the bill as I thanked her for her services tonight. Sahim immediately took the booklet from me, raising an eyebrow.

“Dinner’s on me tonight,” Sahim said.

“I guess I’m on dessert then,” I teased, looking at Sahim as he signed the check. He glanced over at me with a cocked up eyebrow before gently kissing me on the lips.

Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: “Newsflash, They Were Right All Along.”

liz

You think that everything adults tell you is bogus when you’re a kid and a teenager navigating through life. You roll your eyes during every uncomfortable preach session they give you; telling you that you must do this before doing that and that must happen in order for this to happen and blah, blah, blah. It goes in one ear and out the other. We always think that as kids (more so teens and even young adults) we just know better than adults. I mean, sure, sit’s not always the case where every adult tells you the right thing, but in situations where the adult– i.e. your parents, mentor, therapist, etc.– is giving you advice about life through personal experience… even then we don’t listen to them–

Until we officially become the adults.

I’ve been quite vocal about how different my perspective on life as been since turning 30 earlier this year. I briefly spoke about the idea of a “Saturn’s return”, which occurs roughly between the ages of 27 – 31 when you go through this major transitional stage of your life and figure out… well, life. Sure, we have our 20s to discover ourselves and experience life in ways we weren’t able to as teenagers. In our 20s, we are college students; some living away from home or others commuting to their classes in hope to graduate with their degree in four years. Some of us are working their first 9 to 5 jobs making their first bit of pocket change that is solely ours. Needless to say, our 20s are reserved for uncertainty and experimentation; it’s the time when we’re suppose to make mistakes and hopefully learn from them.

But something definitely shifts when you’re nearing your late 20s and gearing for your 30s. I swear, it’s like something chemically changes when you reach a certain age. This is something I’ve witness with a lot of people within my age range; once careless and wild turned into responsible and a civilized human in society. Sure, everyone grows up at one point in life, but I guess it just hits different knowing you’re nearing 30; who knows.

Needless to say, the older we get the more we begin to reflect on the things we were told when we were younger. For me, these moments occur when I find myself being in these same situations I was once told about. I can’t help but shake my head, regretting not listening to this specific advice the first time around.

And now, we are those adults saying the same things to the generations beneath us; they roll their eyes, huff and puff all annoyed that some adult is giving them some unsolicited advice. We tell them that we were just like them at their age, in which they’ll sigh even louder thinking that we don’t have any clue in how they feel or think we’re cringe for even trying to relate to them. We’ve been there; all of us.

I don’t regret not following the advice that I got from adults when I was younger. I think it’s inevitable that we don’t; we simply do not see things in the same lens as we do when we are older, and I think our first reaction to getting advice from someone older is, “I still have time to do what I want about this situation.” Sure, that much is true until you realized that you’re now 30 and reminiscing about the days when you were counting down to finally being 21-years-old.

You too will come to the realization one day that everything they told you about life was pretty spot on, and they were right all along.

y2katalogue: The Tapes

Tape #28: A Change of Heart.

liz

Milo runs down the block with his bookbag on his back and his instrument case in his hand. He makes a hard turn and runs up the next block; the block that Jennifer and her family live.

He runs up the front steps and knocks on the door. Lydia, Jennifer’s mom, opens up the door. Milo is visibly out of breath.

Lydia: Milo?

Milo: Hi, Ms. Lewis; I lost track of time at our band rehearsal after school.

Lydia cocks up an eyebrow. She sighs.

Lydia: Don’t let it happen again, solely because I don’t want to have to explain to your parents where their son was all day.

Milo: I’m sorry; it won’t happen again.

Lydia opens the door and lets Milo in. He gently drops his instrument case on the ground and walks upstairs towards Jennifer’s room. He sees Jennifer laying down flipping through a magazine. She looks up from the magazine briefly to look at Milo; she rolls her eyes.

Milo: Hey, Pep.

Jennifer doesn’t say anything back. Milo sighs and pulls the desk chair to sit down near the bed.

Milo: Can we talk?

Jennifer: There’s nothing to talk about…

Milo: Pep.

Jennifer sucks her teeth and forcefully closes the magazine.

Jennifer: What do you want me to say? I’ve said everything I needed to say and clearly that wasn’t enough for you.

Milo: Look, I’m sorry for the way that I acted.

Jennifer cocks an eyebrow; not convinced.

Milo: I’m being serious. You had your reasons for doing what you did, and they are valid whether or not I agree with them or not.

Jennifer: I just don’t understand why my word wasn’t enough in the first place. Yes, I had my reasons for not telling you, and that’s not because I don’t value you as my best friend or something. I just knew that you wouldn’t have took it lightly and honestly I just wanted to forget it even happened.

Milo: I know, and I’m sorry for what I said about you not being a good friend and all that nonsense when I was angry. *reflects* I’m glad that Danny was able to help you out in that time of need. I guess he’s not as bad as I thought he was.

Jennifer: Do you think I’d set Nicki up with someone that I knew was a complete asshole?

Milo: *guilty* No.

Jennifer: Exactly… *sighs* But I know you were just looking out for me in the long run and… I can’t be mad at someone that actually gives a shit about me.

Jennifer gets up from the bed to sit at the corner. She prompts Milo to sit next to her. Milo smiles at the gesture.

Milo: We’ve been best friends since pre-school, Pep. You were the first person to stick up for me and have my back when I was too shy to stick up for myself. Plus, you actually wanted to be friends with me for me. Our friendship not only means a lot to me, but you also mean a lot to me.

Jennifer smiles and sighs, adjusting in her seat. She’s now relaxed and comfortable.

Jennifer: You mean a lot to me too, and again I’m sorry if I’ve been on the edge lately and snappy and all of that. I feel like everything around me is changing and I guess I’m just scared of us changing.

Milo: We’ll never change. I promise you that.

Milo gives Jennifer a hug to solidify their friendship. Once they release from the hug, Jennifer plays with the ponytail Milo has in his hair.

Jennifer: Why do you have your hair in a ponytail?

Milo: *nervous* Oh, I, uh, wanted it away from my face for once.

Jennifer: *teases* It makes you look like you have a huge head.

Jennifer laughs as Milo nudges her on the shoulder. All is well between the two best friends.

Jennifer: So, I meant to tell you this before we started fighting, but my Spring recital is next week. I asked Nicki but she’s going away for Spring Break with her family, so I wanted to see if you wanted to come.

Milo: Of course! I wouldn’t miss one of your dance shows for the world.

Jennifer smiles at Milo; Milo mirrors her. They both continue to hang out in Jennifer’s room, catching up on everything that they’ve missed these last couple of days.

The Teenage Monologues: Season 3

Visions of Us: A Sophie Monologue.

liz

I picture us kissing passionately.

Milo has his hand caressing my head, bringing me closer to his face as we continued kissing. He bites down on my bottom lip, completely shocking me in the process. I can feel the heat coming off of his face as he kisses me. His entire body is hot to the touch. I want nothing more than to feel his body close to mine–

“Sophie?” I hear a voice call out my name. I snapped out of it, realizing I’m sitting in the middle of my Advanced Chemistry class.

“Yes?” I quickly answered the teacher.

“It’s not like you to be so distracted in my class,” my teacher said as she turned around to face the chalkboard. “Please pay attention as this is very important information for the midterm.” I feel my face getting hot for all of the wrong reasons.

The bell for lunch finally rings. The hallways fill up with different students, going to their next class in passing. I immediately rushed to the West Wing, hoping to grab a rehearsal room to get lost in for a period.

“One rehearsal room, please,” I requested to the woman at the desk. She gave me a look before taking out the clipboard to sign in. She handed it over to me with a pen in hand.

“Not with that boy today?” the lady asked me. I looked up at her shocked that she’d even say something like that.

“No, just me,” I said, nervously laughing it off. She was not laughing with me. I handed over the clipboard as she gave me one of the room keys.

“You have until the end of the period,” she simply said. I thanked her and quickly walked away. She always had this unsettling aura about her.

I walked into the rehearsal room, closing the door behind me. I shut my eyes closed for a brief second, and in an instant I saw Milo and I together. Kissing. Hugging. Touching.

I immediately opened my eyes wide once I heard the door of my rehearsal room being knocked on. I turned around and looked through the window of the front door. It’s Milo. I quickly opened the door and grabbed Milo by his collared shirt.

“What the hell are you doing here?” I asked Milo in a panic. “Did the front desk lady tell you I was here?”

“She did,” he answered quickly. “I was honestly gonna ask for a room until she mentioned you were in one.” I felt my face get really hot. Have we spent so much time together in these rooms?

“I’ve tried texting you earlier,” I began to say. “I’m guessing your parents took your phone away.” Milo pulled out his keychain with a dangling AirTag. I looked back at him.

“This is my brother Micah’s tag by the way,” Milo explained, rolling his eyes as he put his keys ack into his pocket. “Sorry though; I didn’t mean to make you think I didn’t want to talk to you after-“

“After promising me that we wouldn’t get caught again?” I finished his sentence, crossing my arms together. “Do you know how humiliating it was to sit in Jennifer’s van as she drove me home afterwards? I felt dirty sitting in the backseat.”

“I know, and really I’m sorry,” Milo began to apologize. “I honestly just wanted to hang out with you on my birthday. It was shitty and annoying and I just really wanted to spend it with you.” I felt my face soften up as he spoke. I was upset with Milo for not telling me the truth, but I couldn’t stay mad at him. He’s the one that’s grounded for an eternity; I’m just part of the reason why he is. I pointed at his pocket where the AirTag was in.

“Your dad is going to know where you are with that tracking device on you,” I reminded Milo. “Maybe being in the same rehearsal room with me isn’t the smartest thing.”

“He’s not gonna come up to the West Wing just to check if I’m in a rehearsal room by myself or not,” Milo responded, annoyed at the situation. “That would be completely out of hand.” Yeah, as if a tracking device isn’t. “But enough about me; are you okay? Did Jennifer say anything to your mom?”

I shook my head no. “She didn’t. She just dropped me off in front of my house and drove off once I got in the front door.” I remember the night clearly; I sat in the backseat of the car in the dark. Jennifer didn’t even put the radio on to fill the awkward silence. It very much felt like I was sitting in the backseat of a cop car; this might’ve been a lot worse.

Milo let out a sigh of relief, finally sitting down in the seat next to me. He doesn’t look at me right away, and I can’t help myself from looking at him.

“Milo?” I quietly said. He turned his head and looked at me. He looks exhausted and I don’t know if it’s because of the mess we got ourselves in, or if the dual major program has officially got to him. I felt bad to see Milo so burnt out like this, and I can tell he was trying to hide it. I sighed before I said anything else. “I know you’re going through a lot. You don’t always have to be strong.”

“I know,” Milo said as he smiled. “Everything else happening doesn’t bother me when I’m with you, so I’m genuinely feeling okay right now.” I smiled, glad that Milo is alright despite everything going on.

We looked at each other longer than we should have. Needless to say, I wasn’t the only one fighting the flashbacks from that day.

Milo looked down at my lips before slowly getting closer to them. I didn’t make any subtle movements; I allowed him to take control of the situation. He closed his eyes and gently kissed me on the lips. I missed this feeling so much.

We continued kissing until I opened my eyes and spot the camera at the corner of the room. I immediately pulled away from him, now in a frenzy.

“Milo,” I said, pointing at the camera. “The camera!”

“What about it?” Milo asked, turning around to face it. I immediately get up from my chair, away from Milo in a panic.

“They can suspend us from using these rooms doing things like that!” I panicked, grabbing my things in a hurry.

“Scout, calm down; they never actively look at those damn cameras anyway,” Milo explained, rolling his eyes at the thought. “We’re fine, just relax.” I looked at him, letting out a huge sigh as he reassured me. “Easy there, Scout.”

“Let’s just get out of here,” I looked down, walking away from Milo. As much as the kiss made me feel good, it ultimately made my stomach turn. What if Milo saw me differently now that we just… kiss each other? Does he think I’m just… easy now?

“Scout?” Milo called out. I turned around, faking a faint smile on my face. I guess it was convincing since he smiled right back. “Pizza after school?”

“Okay,” I said.

“Are you sure you’re okay with this?” Milo asked after he first kissed me in the studio room. I looked up at him, feeling like all of the butterflies were released from its cage in that moment.

“I’m okay,” I said, smiling at Milo. He smiled back and leaned in to kiss me once again; this time, it lasted longer than it ever did before.

The "Something" Series: Season 3

Something That Brothers Do: A Jamie Monologue.

liz

It’s been a rough couple of days trying to get my head back on straight.

No matter what I focus my energy on these days, they are constantly going back to that night where I found Grace just sitting on my front doorsteps. For her to even remember my address on the letters I wrote to her all those years ago… something about it was telling.

But maybe she simply had no other choice that night, considering she’s in a foreign country.

I began typing out this week’s progress report in my office; it was one thing I left to do at the very last minute, which wasn’t the ideal thing to do. Needless to say, I was glad that this assignment would take up most of my time today…

Until it didn’t.

I heard a slight knock on my office door. I looked up to see one of the assistants slowly opening the door. He bowed as he greeted me.

“Mr. Kim, you have a visitor,” the assistant said. The other person walked inside my office; it was Shawn.

“Thank you, Junhwan,” I said as he closed the office door. Shawn stood in the middle of my office, taking a good look around.

“Still in this hole in the wall, huh?” Shawn teased. I scoffed as I shook my head. He smiled as I got closer to give him a hug.

“Ya; how have you been?” I asked as I let him go from the hug. He sighed, walking around the office to avoid sitting in one place. I could tell he was nervous.

“I’ve been better,” Shawn admitted. “Things have been quiet.”

“Is that a good thing or bad thing?” I asked, watching him roam around the office.

“A little bit of both,” Shawn answered, stopping in place to look back and answer. “Sky and I have been going about our day as if nothing happened, which I guess is good considering she could’ve broke things off by now–“

“Ya,” I groaned, not liking Shawn’s attitude. “She wouldn’t leave you, she just needs some time to process things.”

“She hasn’t been acting like herself though,” Shawn emphasized. “I wish I didn’t propose to her while we were here. Now it just feels like she’s checked out.”

“She’s slowly losing her father,” I gently explained, trying to make Shawn understand the situation clearer. “You didn’t do anything wrong, and she knows that this isn’t about you or your relationship.” I was being completely honest with Shawn. Knowing that you’re losing a parent changes the way you see the rest of the world around you. You don’t know how to let those you love that it’s never about them, but you know that you can’t mentally be the same person you were before this occurrence. It was one of the many reasons why Seohyun and I didn’t work out. As my father’s health began to decline, I felt like I was also drifting away from the people around me. It wasn’t Seohyun’s fault that her boyfriend couldn’t mentally juggle his relationship with her and the one he had with his family.

Isn’t that always the case?

I looked at Shawn again, focusing on the present. Shawn sat in the seat playing with the zipper of his windbreaker.

“Why don’t you and Skylar come over for dinner one of these nights?” I insisted, leaning back in my chair. “I’ll have Haram come over that night as well.”

“Yeah,” Shawn said, not really convincing.

“Mwo?” I asked. “What?”

“I sense that Haram doesn’t really… approve of Sky,” Shawn said, getting more nervous as each word come out of his mouth. “Cultural differences, it seems like.” Aigoo. Was she that obvious the last time?

“Haram values her culture, but it doesn’t mean she dislikes people that aren’t familiar to them,” I defended. “Tons of people even in Korea don’t solely value the culture the same way–“

“Hyung, thankfully you’re a prosecutor and not a defense attorney,” Shawn teased, chuckling to himself. “I appreciate you trying to bring all of us together, but I think it’s just… weird.”

“Weird?” I repeated.

“Weird,” he solidified, looking directly at me. “Haram seems like a great, sophisticated woman, but every chance I saw her she was looking at Sky like she was some… some stereotype–“

“Haram isn’t that shallow,” I interrupted, getting annoyed with Shawn. I didn’t want to fight with him about this, only because he had other things on his mind. I sighed before leaning forward toward my desk. “How about we just do something with the guys. You, Kevin, and me. We haven’t all been in the same room as each other since–“

“Since we were last in America,” Shawn finished the sentence. “And that was the last time I saw Kevin in person.” Shawn and Kevin used to be best friends; they were closer than I was to any of them at the time. I tried to convince Shawn to talk to Kevin when we got himself situated back in America, but Shawn holds onto his pride tighter than any other person I know. Shawn was able to go after the love of his life, yet he still held this resentment towards Kevin when we all had to fly back after his girlfriend told Kevin she was pregnant.

“I think making amends with Kevin will help you see things clearly with Skylar,” I admitted. Shawn didn’t like that.

“What?!” he reacted, nearly jumping out of his seat. “What does Kevin have anything to do with my relationship with Sky?!

“Talking to me about Skylar puts you in the middle of a very messy triangle,” I began to explain. “Plus, I think Kevin can really give you some good advice on how to handle everything happening. You know JooAh said no to his first proposal, right?”

“Yeah, I know,” Shawn answered, growing annoyed now. “And it wasn’t until he knocked her up that she finally said yes. Is that what you’re telling me? Get Sky pregnant or something?”

“Ya,” I roared, making Shawn’s rambling come to a halt. “Listen, you know you are my brother for life; as is Kevin. And I know you and Kevin were like blood brothers before all of this happened. Kevin had no control over what happened back here in Korea with JooAh, just how you don’t have any control what’s happening in America with Skylar’s family.”

“It’s completely different–“

“Yeah?” I got up from my seat as I slammed my hands on top of my desk. “You do know that sooner or later, Skylar is going to need to go back to America to be with her family. What if I get never talk to you again because I was mad for you leaving me in Korea by myself having to deal with Grace?” Grace? What?

“Grace?” Shawn questioned. “What does Grace have to do with any of this?”

“Nothing, it’s just a theoretical situation,” I quickly tried to cover up my slip up. “The point I’m trying to make is that you wouldn’t have liked it if one of us treated you the way that you treated Kevin.”

“So what; you’re demanding me to come over to make up with Kevin? I don’t have to do anything you want me to do.” Shawn crossed his arms along his chest, looking away from me.

“You don’t,” I started to say. “Hell, you don’t even have to listen to word I’m saying, but I’m telling you what you don’t want to hear because that is just something that brothers do. They say the shit that they know they don’t want to hear, but they say it anyway because they care about them.” Shawn finally looked at me but didn’t say anything back. A knock on my office door is what broke the silence; it was Junhwan again.

“Mr. Kim,” he began to say. “Hangyeol-nim is expecting your completed report.”

“Thank you, I’ll make sure it gets to him within the hour,” I said and smiled as Junhwan closed the office door. I sighed, immediately letting go of the smile as I looked at Shawn. “Before you go back to America, please consider the three of us having dinner together.” Shawn doesn’t say anything; he just sighs as he gets up from his seat to walk towards the exit. “Shawn?” He turned around to look at me, waiting to see what else I had to say.

“Tell Skylar I said hi,” I simply said. Shawn faintly smiled before opening the office door, and leaving.

Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: “What Worked For You Then May Not Work For You Now.”

liz

One thing they do not tell you about your 30s is that truly, the chemicals in your brain shift.

It may not be in a literal sense, but figuratively it feels like something switches on as soon as you hit 30. Everything looks different to you. Everything feels different to you. You’re left in a place where you don’t really know what to expect or how to adjust because the switch doesn’t give you the time to prepare. It just happens, and when it does, it’s crucial.

In 3 months, I will be 31 years old, which is shocking since it feels like I just turned 30 but at the same time lived so much life being 30. These last 9 months have changed me as a person. It changed how I thought, felt, and even how to regulate those said things.

And I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s been fucking scary.

Hi, my name is Liz, and I am learning that the survival tactics I created for myself no longer work for this version of who I am.

I grew up being an entirely different person than I was when I was younger. I had a fairly normal childhood; I never felt like I had to be older than my actual age or deal with the world in the way other kids may had to. I am the youngest in my family so that deemed me the “baby” of the house. We are deemed the spoiled ones; we got away doing a lot of the things our older siblings didn’t and rarely got blamed for any wrongdoing that we done.

But many of the times our concerns and worries were never addressed or concerned because we were the youngest; parents thought they had the formula of parenting down by the time they have their second or third kid. In many cases, it’s our younger siblings that keep their thoughts and feelings to themselves because they’ve accepted the fact that no one asks them how they were doing.

We involuntarily assign ourselves the role of being the strong one. The one that seems to always be put together socially, personally, and mentally. The one that succeeds in everything that they do without showing any signs of a struggle. The one that always has a smile on their face despite the situation. The one that everyone assumes is so independent, they don’t need to check-in on them.

I don’t know when I assigned myself this role. I think these roles are assigned to people without them even realizing it, to be honest. I didn’t know this was my role until much later in life, when it started to affect me in a way it never did before.

My role simply isn’t indefinite, and the power it holds does not serve me in the way it once did.

“Just because you‘re strong doesn’t mean you have to be strong all the time.” Those are words I’ve said to other strong people who are hurting and thinking it was that easy to shed the role I only know how to be. I understand why hearing that can be frustrating; how do you just unlearn the habits and beliefs you grew up with? How do you tell yourself to not be strong in this moment when that’s all you know what to be when you’re in survival mode?

As I’m writing this, I still don’t know the answer, nor think I’ll know it anytime soon.

I think with everything complicated in life, you learn the answer as you go (and grow) through the experience. I look back and think about the things I once feared of doing due to how much it took me out of my comfort zone. I’ve realized that I had to be uncomfortable in order to find what works for me and how to adjust myself in the future. There’s a lot I’ve done in the past couple of years that made me uncomfortable, but I am where I am because of it.

Half of the challenge is to completely unlearn the beliefs that ultimately shaped you into the person you are today as well. For me, I feel like a lot of things I’ve done and accomplished was because of believing I had to. I had to be nonchalant and pretend what I was going through wasn’t as bad as I was making it out to be. In a way, it positively shaped me into who I am today, but as I get older I am realizing that even with the work being done, it is okay to ask for help. Asking for help will not make you any less strong.

It’s okay to say that what worked for me back then may not work for me now.

Moving forward, I have to learn to live my life. I have to learn to be strong for myself the same way that I am strong to others. I have to learn to be gentle with myself the same way I am gentle to others. In a nutshell, I need to say and believe that the love I had for others can also be used for myself. I have to learn a lot about what it means to put myself first even in the situations where we’ve learned that loved ones and family should always take priority in your life. At the end of the day, they are people that have to look out for themselves as well.

I have to learn that it’s okay to let go of survival tactics that do not help me survive anymore, and that doesn’t mean you can’t handle it anymore. It simply means you’re able to survive without needing that tactic anymore.

And that alone makes you even a stronger person than before.

The "Something" Series: Season 3

Something For Us To Work On: A Grace Monologue.

liz

I was glad to have had a day without having rehearsals. After the night I had, I don’t think my body was strong enough for an intense rehearsal before a show. I needed to rest my mind for the day; before I was able to do that, I needed to get in contact with my family back in America.

I walked out of the elevator in my building and turned the corner to go down the hallway. I was so happy to finally be back at the hotel. Of course, nothing I ever need comes easy and was faced with something else I needed to handle: Sahim.

I see Sahim sitting on the ground outside of my door. I slowly walk down the hall, closer to him. He looked up and quickly got off from the ground. He looked like he wasn’t happy.

“Sahim,” I said as I stopped in front of my door. “What are you doing here?”

“I’ve tried calling you this morning to check on you,” Sahim said, seemingly annoyed. “You weren’t answering so I tried to stop by your room and check on you instead.”

“I just had to clear my mind off of everything that happened yesterday,” I sighed as I said, then giving Sahim a faint smile. “I’m okay now. Just needed some fresh air or something.”

“Where’d you go?” Sahim asked.

“Just out,” I said, not knowing what else to say. “I woke up really early and just went for a walk.” Sahim looked at me, analyzing my clothes. I know he’s wondering why I’m wearing the same clothes from last night.

“How are you feeling though?” Sahim softly asked me, changing the subject. “I know yesterday we didn’t end the night on good terms; it’s one of the reasons why I wanted to come by and see you.”

“I know,” I began to say, playing with the string of Sahim’s pullover hoodie. “I’m sorry for how things went yesterday. I didn’t mean to get angry at you for something you had nothing to do with.”

“I should’ve gave you your space when you asked for it,” Sahim insisted, returning the faint smile back. “And we should’ve had our conversation when you were ready to have it.” I sighed, knowing exactly what conversation he was talking about.

“Regardless, it needed to be had,” I stated, looking directly at Sahim. “It wasn’t fair for me to keep something like this from you.” Sahim’s expression on his face doesn’t change, which makes me worried. What if we can’t get past this? What if I ruined yet another relationship thinking I was doing the right thing? “Do you want to grab some coffee or something?”

“Grace,” Sahim simply said as he sighed. “I don’t want you bottling up things to keep the peace.”

“I’m not,” I quickly said, a little annoyed. “I just want to get some coffee and get my day started. So do you want to come with me or not?”

“We really need to talk about things,” Sahim emphasized. I rolled my eyes, which made Sahim scrunch his eyebrows together. “We can’t just brush it off like things weren’t said.”

“What is there to talk about?” I questioned, crossing my arms along my chest. “What happened yesterday had nothing to do with you—“

“Besides the point that you said Jamie was your ex,” Sahim recalled. “Would you have been so nonchalant if the roles were reversed?”

“I wouldn’t have made it such a big deal after explaining to you the circumstances,” I spat out. “Shawn and Jamie are like family, snd Shawn is dating Skylar. It’s not weird if I bump into Jamie at gatherings because of that.”

“Then why didn’t you ever tell me?” Sahim asked. “If it wasn’t a big deal, why did you act like you and him didn’t know each other?”

“Because we would’ve had the same useless conversation we’re having now,” I answered, rolling my eyes. “Seriously Sahim, I have other things to worry about besides my ex-boyfriend. I have to worry about my family and what’s going on back home.”

“I get that and I respect that, but it’s not fair to backlog this just because it doesn’t matter to you. What if this matters to me?” I was getting annoyed with Sahim thinking I didn’t care about our relationship enough to talk things out.

“This does matter to me,” I began to say. “But I literally have to deal with my family first. We will talk later; I promise.” I smiled at Sahim to reassure him that I was being serious. I really did care about Sahim and wanted to work things out with him, but I couldn’t have this conversation with him right now. For fuck’s sake, not when I just got back from spending the night at Jamie’s.

“Okay,” he simply said, looking down at me. “How about we go out tonight? That hotpot place we’ve been meaning to try out?”

“I would love to,” I smiled as I said, kissing him on the cheek. “Meet me in the lobby by 7. I should be ready by then.” Sahim smiled and kissed my forehead before walking away from my door. As soon as he turned the corner of the hallway, I let out a deep breath and opened the door to my room.

I immediately threw my bag on my bed, sitting at the edge of it to make this phone call. I shut my eyes as I dialed my dad’s number. I didn’t know what was going to happen, but I needed to get this off of my chest.

“Grace?” I hear my dad’s voice answer the phone.

“Hi dad,” I greeted, feeling relieved as soon as I do. “How are things back home?”

“Everything’s good,” he answered. “We have Willow for the week while Max is away with his wife. Mom took her to the beach today as I got some work done on this case. They’re both pooped from today.”

“I’ll definitely have to video chat with her later this week,” I said, smiling at the thought. “Max told me that Willow’s new obsession are collecting seashells.”

“She brought her box of seashells with her to add more this week,” my dad laughed as he explained. “Luckily, your mom loves the beach. But how’s everything going with you? We haven’t heard from you in awhile.”

“Yeah,” I sighed as I answered. “With the production a little past the midway point, I’ve been tasked to work on a couple of numbers for the show.”

“Like choreographing?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I answered, smiling. “It’s been exciting. It’s making me excited to go back and teach at the academy.” I enjoyed being on stage each night and performing all these different numbers of the production, but I feel like my best work is when I’m creating the magic behind the scenes; putting together the story through movement and making sure that the dancer is efficiently telling that story. There are times I want to do nothing but go back to the academy and do just that, but a part of me knows I have to finish this production; not just for the sake of it all, but for myself. I can go back to the academy and start this new life once I finish this one.

“That’s great, Grace,” my dad said. I could tell he was smiling through the phone. “Are you making sure you take time to yourself? Eat? Exploring the country?”

“Yes, dad,” I said, adjusting my seat. “I’m actually going to this hotpot place for dinner tonight. I’m definitely doing some exploring while I’m here.” There was a moment where both of us was silent. “Dad, I–“

“I know,” he said, sighing as he did. “Uncle Mason called me. Skylar called him in a frenzy late at night.” I squeezed my eyes shut. Fuck. I should’ve called last night.

“So you weren’t going to tell me what was going on?” I asked, feeling annoyed. “You were just gonna leave me in the dark about Uncle Mason’s condition?”

“This isn’t something you need to be worrying about,” my dad began to explain.

“I still should’ve known what’s going on!” I said loudly, now getting angry. “God forbid if he’d just dropped dead while I was in Korea–“

“It wouldn’t get to that point, Grace,” my dad stated. “He’s doing okay for now. He’s in the right hands and he’s taking it easy but he’s doing okay.”

“It’s the fact that no one was going to tell me what’s going on back home until shit was too late,” I argued. “I have the right to know what’s going on back at home; for fuck’s sake, I’m still a part of the family–“

“Grace,” my dad interrupted. He sighed before he continued. “I’m sorry that we didn’t tell you. I know how much Uncle Mason means to you and you should’ve known what was going on despite being so far away. We just didn’t want to distract you or worry you; you already have so much on your plate over there.”

“I refuse to be left in the dark about my family, dad,” I emphasized once more.

“And you’re not going to be,” my dad responded back, now in a stern way. “I promise.” Nothing else was said after that; it was kind of hard to jump to another topic of discussion after having such a heavy one. “So, mom is already planning this huge welcome back party for when you get back.” I started to laugh; that sounds like my mother.

“Yeah?” I asked.

“She’s excited for you to get back,” my dad said. “That’s all she talks about.” The thought makes me smile. I’ve learned to move past my resentment toward my mother the older I get and the more I understand the decisions she made. In a way, I made the same decisions with the same logic she made when she was my age. I’ve learned to accept that her mistakes were hers to make, and they are not a reflection of the ones I made in my life. I see just how much she cherishes her family after thinking she lost it all those years ago. Because of her willing to get her family back, I was able to never lose mine.

“I’ll call you and mom during the week before Willow goes back to Max,” I smiled as I said.

“That sounds like a plan,” my dad said before letting out a sigh. “Well, let me get back to finishing this paperwork before I call it a night. You work later today?”

“I have off today,” I answered. “I’ll probably relax before our next round of rehearsals start this week.”

“Make sure to enjoy your time there, Grace.” my dad reminded me. “I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Bye, dad,” I said before hanging up the phone. I sighed, walking toward the window of my room to look out to the city. I really should do some exploring.