Something You’d Like to Ask: A Monologue.

There’s something so beautiful about the rain in the city.

The way the raindrops hit the concrete and bounce off, the way people run into the nearest store to buy an umbrella since they forgot theirs at home, and just the way the sky turns grey and the city lights turn on earlier than usual. Summer rain was always my favorite part, mostly because it would cool down the streets for a bit.

I looked up and saw a black umbrella opened above me. I look to my right and see Jamie holding the umbrella in one hand, and put his free hand around me. I felt small in his arms, but so protected. I’ve realized Jamie knew me better than I knew myself sometimes. I don’t know how someone that I met just under a year ago knew me better than any other person in my life. Did he find the time to get to know me and listen to me? Does he just understand me better than anyone else? I don’t know what it was, but Jamie always made me feel safe. And dry as well.

I didn’t realize Jamie was talking to me until I heard him call my name. I looked back up in his direction.

“Should we head back home before it gets bad?” Jamie asked. A part of me didn’t want to go home. A part of me enjoyed this scenery with Jamie and being present in this moment. I grabbed him by the hand and pulled him to a nearby park.

“Gracie, where are we going?” Jamie wondered. I looked up at him and finally let go of his hand when we got inside the small park. I ran out from under the umbrella and twirled in the rain. “Gracie!” Jamie called for me.

“Come and join me!” I excitedly said. The rain felt good against my skin. I had taken off Jamie’s blazer and placed in my tote bag. My dress began to stick to my skin as the rain hit me against my body. Jamie stood there, clearly confused at my behavior in that moment. After seeming like he was questioning it, he finally smiled and closed his umbrella. He squealed as the heavy rain began to hit his body.

“Wow, this rain is pouring down!” Jamie found himself yelling over the sound of heavy rain hitting the ground. I run up to him and grabbed his hand.

“Doesn’t the rain feel good?” I asked.

“It’s definitely something I haven’t felt in ages!” Jamie responded.

I let go of his hand and began dancing in the rain. My arms were stretched out and I looked up towards the sky with my eyes closed. I twirled in place, my hair hitting my face every time I stopped twirling. I couldn’t stop laughing. In this moment, I felt happy. In front of me was a man I found myself deeply in love with; his black hair sticking to his face, his glasses gathering all the fallen raindrops. He looked absolutely stunning in the rain. I ran up to him and kissed him. He seemed taken back from it, but he didn’t protest after a couple of seconds. He placed his hands on my jaw and kissed me back.

We break up the kiss and look at each other. He smiles.

“What was that for? I mean, I’m not complaining.” Jamie said. I laughed and wiped the wet strands of hair off of my face.

“Just felt like it.” I answered. He smiles back at me and goes in for another kiss.

I never been kissed in the rain. I thought that shit only happened in those cheesy Hallmark movies, yet here I am, kissing Jamie in the rain like it’s something we always do. Jamie was an interesting man, to say the least. He felt more like a gentleman than any other man I dated or been with. He also has really been the only one to allow me to be as silly as I can, as spontaneous as I can, and be as much of myself as I can. He made me want to show parts of myself I never got the chance to. I always had to be this “tough-as-nails” independent woman. I could never be gentle and small, and soft. Jamie allowed me to be both, and I enjoyed that there wasn’t no favorite side of his. He just took me for all of me, despite how imperfect I am.

Jamie grabbed my hand. He guided us out of the park after running around the park like two little kids. The rain was letting out, and we walked all the way back home in our wet clothes, without a care in the world.

…

He gave me his hoodie to wear after I stripped out of my clothes. He must’ve known I was cold or else we couldn’t have given me one of his over-sized hoodies. He comes out our bedroom in a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt on.

“Feeling any warmer, Gracie?” Jamie asked. He sat down next to me on the couch as I hold a cup of tea in my hands.

“Yes. Thank you for making the delicious tea, by the way.” I answered.

“You’re absolutely welcome.” He looked down at his hands and starting to pick at his nails. He seemed nervous about something. It made me feel uneasy; familiar to when he was going back to Korea back in December. I was worried I was going to hear it again.

“Is there something you’d like to ask?” I asked.

“Huh?” Jamie responded. I took a deep sigh before moving forward.

“Just say it.” I finally said. Jamie looks at me, confused.

“Say what?” He questioned.

“That you’re going back to Korea.” I finally admitted. Jamie looks even more confused than he did before.

“Why would you think I’m going back?” he finally asked me.

I looked at him, realizing that the day he told me he had to go back to Korea was something I still haven’t healed from. It’s something I worry about constantly these days; his three months were also over, and although he is applying for a work visa to stay here for an additional 9 months, things can go wrong. Good things don’t happen to the people who are in my life.

“You’re almost close to wrapping up your case, which means you’ll be out of work and your three months will be over and you’ll have to go back–” I couldn’t stop talking. I felt stupid feeling this hopeless over something I wasn’t even sure of, but I can’t lose him again. I can’t.

Jamie looked at me; he looked concerned. It look like he was honestly trying to put two and two together.

“Grace, I don’t know where this is coming from, but that’s not at all where I was going.” Jamie finally stated. I didn’t believe him. I don’t know why I didn’t, but my first instinct was to not believe him.

“You said that last time.” I spat.

“I didn’t know when I was going back last time.” Jamie spat back.

I got up and placed my glass on the coffee table and walked away from Jamie.

“Gracie–” He called out.

“No, Jamie,” I spat even harder. “Do you know how it feels to be walking on eggshells every time you have to say something or ask me something important. I know you’ve been spending all this time with me because you’re getting ready to leave me.” Grace, what the fuck are you even saying?

I don’t think I ever seen Jamie look as heartbroken as he did standing there. Maybe he knew I was right. Maybe this was his way of softening the blow before he admitted he had to go back to Korea. I spent stupid; embarrassed to even fall more in love with him knowing he was more than willing to go back. i couldn’t face him anymore, so I just turned away and headed for the bedroom.

He never came in that night.